tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post238228094965923442..comments2024-03-19T08:40:36.481+11:00Comments on Life with Aspergers: Elastic Style Asperger’s and Neurotypical RelationshipsGavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-54304492147971513322021-03-25T15:17:55.088+11:002021-03-25T15:17:55.088+11:00Anonymous (March 2021)
I think it's incredible...Anonymous (March 2021)<br />I think it's incredible and absolutely beautiful that you're able to see past some of your ex husband's terrifying behaviour and realise the role that misunderstanding plays. <br /><br />Meltdowns are a horrifying thing that can only be mastered with years of self-understanding, self-management and a supportive family. It's one thing to master these when you're young, it's something entirely different to do it when you're older. <br /><br />This is why it is so critical that you tackle the issues that your son is facing now and with the love you're obviously showing. They're probably the most critical things in your son's life right now. More important than general education -- by which I mean, if you need to pull him out of school for some self-management classes and calming classes, then you should prioritise these. <br /><br />I wish you the very best of luck in your efforts. Gavin Bollardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-10423027327661825362021-03-25T09:16:34.532+11:002021-03-25T09:16:34.532+11:00I am going through a divorce with my aspie husband...I am going through a divorce with my aspie husband. I have diagnosed him lol well, actually our 2-year-old son has. He has been as mildly autistic, and while he is nonverbal, he is extremely interactive and communicative and demonstrates neurotypical shared interest. My soon-to-be ex husband also had a speech delay. He is extremely quiet, as is his family. Being married to him was a nightmare because I just saw him as a selfish, cruel, emotionally unstable man who didn't pay bills and had a mood that changed like the weather. I felt deceived- he completely changed after we got married and he moved in. He moved far from home to live with me, and he never really adjusted. He would literally freak out about the way the water tasted and the air smelled. He would have meltdowns and throw things, cry, or scream at me in front of my daughter. He would have meltdowns and jump out of the car and get lost trying to find his way home. He would have meltdown and pull my keys out of my car while I was driving on the highway. My daughter and I weren't just walking on egg-shells; we were afraid. He had to go. After our separation, my son received his diagnosis. Through my research, and as my son has been involved in early intervention programs, I realize that he is just like my husband. It breaks my heart to think that my husband was just misunderstood- he doesn't even understand himself. He used to get so mad when I would call him crazy and psycho during his meltdowns. But I thought he had a choice. I wish he'd been more up front about his background, because I think he and his family are aware that something is different, but in our culture most people hide these things out of shame. If I had known, I would have still married him. We would have just sought therapies and approaches for all of us to work with his condition, the same way we are working with our son. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-14407178759025711192020-12-09T01:38:54.766+11:002020-12-09T01:38:54.766+11:00Gosh I am going to get re-evaluated with a formal ...Gosh I am going to get re-evaluated with a formal diagnosis. This just makes me feel I am not aspergers. But again, women aspies are different from male aspies. I nurture him regularly, throughout his midlife crisis to if you get my drift. If anything I am the neglected party, as he rationalizes all his discomfort to be an understandable reason to not only look to a past female friend to be recipient of this attention online, but to constantly define my wiring as the reason for all of that. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-36124324625285221082018-10-04T03:24:24.777+10:002018-10-04T03:24:24.777+10:00Oh Anonymous...it feels like I am reading my own s...Oh Anonymous...it feels like I am reading my own story...My Asperger boyfriend just broke up with me, telling me exactly the same thing...<br />We are having a break, and it is up to him whether we continue or not...and I am not sure what would we best... His behaviour is very different too from the first month's, and it seems that he has already made his mind up that he cannot do this, as he had some really bad experiences in the past, which have left him very badly hurt.<br />That combined with having Asperger's, makes things very difficult.I do love him, and he is a really amazing human, but I am so confused too...<br />bluesjehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09205935025198511558noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-70431018422140588342017-10-23T14:40:51.988+11:002017-10-23T14:40:51.988+11:00Looking for some help/suggestions.
I have been i...Looking for some help/suggestions.<br /><br /> I have been in a relationship with a man with Asperger’s, In the last 7 moth he is working a very stressful job, and is highly anxious and overwhelmed. His communication with me has changed significantly. About 5 month ago he had a hug "freak out" that was pressed and jumbled and he decided he needed a break to figure out "if he was even capable of being in a relationship". It's been hard ever since. I try to give hime space and support and understanding, but overtime he feels overwhelmed he tells me he isn't "cut out for having a partner". He feels he would be better off working and going home. He tells me he loves me, but he knows he is hurting me, and really wants to figure out "why he feels this so strongly". <br />We have an appointment to see a couples therapist tomorrow, but he seems less interested in figuring out why he feels this way and making our relationship work. but it was hi idea to see someone with me. I am so confused.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-31594979604185903172017-08-26T11:25:42.040+10:002017-08-26T11:25:42.040+10:00... part 2 of my comment... ;-)
Long story made sh...... part 2 of my comment... ;-)<br />Long story made short: I keep telling him he doesn't love me, I keep asking him if he loves me, and at this point, the pressure must be too much, because he answers "I don't know if I love you. I care a lot about you.". Once I asked him if he had ever been in love, he said he had, a long time ago (but apparently the relationship wasn't a full fledged relationship because the woman was already married), that kind of hurt me, because I felt like he *could* be in love, but not with me (and I've been taking good care of him for 2 years now... but I guess the frequent fights and arguments about "love" must have drained him).<br /><br />But... the more I read on AS, the more I tell myself that all is not that dark between us. I've read on your blog that Aspies show their love with actions more than words. My boyfriend, in terms of actions, is indeed very sweet: he has taken me on very romantic trips (Rome, for example!), he has brought me flowers to work, he often has small gifts for me, or he also brought me breakfastthe other day (we don't live together, and he'd worked all night, so I know he was tired when he came to my place). When we had fewer fights and he was a bit more relaxed, he posted pictures of us on social networks (I know, it sounds childish to talk about this, but for a man like him, I guess it was an "effort" to display his feelings publicly so quickly... he says he can be kind of slow to warm up).<br /><br />All in all, I'm wondering if I should just relax and consider that, in his way, he loves me, even if still says "I don't know"? Recently, I asked him if one day he'd be ready to move back to his own place (he's been living with his father for a few years now... but he used to have his own place, he even shared the flat with his ex girlfriend for a few months, then they broke up). He always said that right now he didn't feel ready to take that leap, but after another huge emotional fight where I ended up crying (again), he started looking at ads and he even visited a flat this week. So I'm kind of confused: he says he doesn't know if he loves me, that he *has* been in love before with another woman, that he did feel in love with me for a while (but then things got too complicated between us, if I understand him well, so he kind of lost that "in love" feeling). But at the same time, he's ready to force himself to move to another place because I asked him. And he brings me breakfast by surprise.<br />I know this is a very long comment, and you must be very busy, but if you get a chance, what's your point of view? I'm kind of lost here. :S<br />Thanks a lot for this blog! And I hope I expressed myself clearly... English is not my natuve language. ;-)MarieParisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-18283988949428021072017-08-26T11:24:52.301+10:002017-08-26T11:24:52.301+10:00Wow Gavin, thank you so much for this enlightening...Wow Gavin, thank you so much for this enlightening blog! I'm an NT dating an Aspie (not officially diagnosed, but the doctor we met and I myself strongly believe he is on the spectrum).<br /><br />Being in relationship and in love with an Aspie can be tough and challenging for both partners... I've read many of your articles tonight (it's quite late here, I live in France!) and it makes so much sense! One of the main issues in our relationship is the "I love you" part. I'm very needy emotionnally andI need constant reassurance (even with an NT person), so very early in the relationship, I said "I love you"...he didn't reply back then. Then I started telling him how hurt I was that he didn't love me. So he started saying "I love you" (but ahem, it was kinda forced, see what I mean?). Then I started telling him that saying "I love you" because you have been asked didn't count as a real "I love you". And so our fights began. :( <br />I know I put a lot of pressure on him and now I realize that Aspies don't do well under pressure. I'm so desperate for signs of love that I asked him stuff like "do you want to have kids later?", "Do you think we'll marry someday?",and now I see it only made things worse.<br />(to be continued...)MarieParisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-66308937318916788802017-08-08T02:31:49.174+10:002017-08-08T02:31:49.174+10:00Anon,
I can understand how frustrating it would be...Anon,<br />I can understand how frustrating it would be. I'm sorry that things are so difficult. I write my blog for those with Asperger’s and those without. It's meant to offer hope. <br /><br />Asperger’s is not the only factor in play in any relationship. There are other factors such as upbringing, role models, life experiences and general qualities such as patience. <br /><br />Asperger’s certainly doesn't make relationships easy but I'd both partners are willing to try their best, to listen to each other and to put the welfare of others before their own interests, there is hope.<br /><br />I certainly wasn't a great husband for the first seven years of our marriage but I feel that after understanding myself and learning to listen and adapt, I've improved. <br /><br />It sounds like you and your husband need to make a conscious effort towards continuous work on the relationship but unfortunately sometimes you have to hit "rock bottom" first; to "shock" the partners into making a change.Gavin Bollardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-31245077405756302492017-08-06T16:48:05.174+10:002017-08-06T16:48:05.174+10:00Man oh man. Im in an 10 year marriage with an Aspi...Man oh man. Im in an 10 year marriage with an Aspie. Im an NT. It has been heart breaking. I am always trying to figure out why I upset him and Im walking on egg shells. Ive been battling depression and exhaustion. it is SO hard. I really can't recommend it. If I see these signs again, Id run next time. My self esteem is so low as I had no idea it was asbergers until this year so for 9 years I just rode this roller coaster of he loves me! Nope he hates me...he's angry, leaving, yelling and I don't know why. Then he's the nicest man on earth again. Then I step on a land mine. NO ONE sees his other side. Except my family as on vacation it happens to everyone - he can only be patient for 1-2 days. He is SO SLOW to change so for over a year Ive been broaching asbergers with him. I need to know if this is the best this man can do and to understand its not that he hates me half the time. Ive read 5 books and and He reads one chapter a month in ONE book, which tells an NT mind how little he cares about me. But I know he's slow and struggles so I try another approach, and another and anther and another... He now says asbergers fits him. AND MAN DOES IT. But how can I ever know what is asbergers and what is just a very selfish man who has anger issues and just choses to not help me (with any bills)? This man Gavin who runs this blog must have the slightest autism in history as he puts his marriage first over his special interests, and communicates! My husband talks to me very little and spends 10 hrs a day on his special interests and maybe 1 on me including meals. It is so so hard because he can not know his feelings or communicate them to me. Almost never can he tell me how he feels. What do you do when this is the case??? I tried to find a marriage counselor who understands asbergers but there are none with in an hr drive of us so we went to two other people 2x's each and he refused to go back and will never forgive me he says. I could go on...undiagnosed asbergers on a 45 year old is VERY HARD on the wife. Im a mess. he's FINE! Julie Lauber - I hear ya'! I don't know how you are still standing. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-32040606373649105782017-04-24T07:55:28.597+10:002017-04-24T07:55:28.597+10:00I'm gearing up to finally ask my AS partner of...I'm gearing up to finally ask my AS partner of several years, who has been living with me for most of that time, to share household expenses. I see his failure to do so as a severe example of the lack of reciprocity--he doesn't seem to understand that room and board plus a great deal of emotional support from me, requires some kind of return. It isn't something that he just deserves because he's him. If he could agree it would signal acceptance of a more egalitarian relationship between us. I have hesitated to have the showdown--and it would be a showdown--because I feel it will provoke tantrums, a shutdown, perhaps an angry withdrawal from the relationship. I don't think he'd understand why I ask. Although I'd be devastated if he left--I actually love him a great deal and we so often seem to get on well--it's the anger I fear most. <br />Any ideas of how to get through to him without making him feel rejected, victimized and on the verge of a meltdown? Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-61682624005809000692017-04-03T04:39:32.605+10:002017-04-03T04:39:32.605+10:00I have been living with an Aspergers partner for 2...I have been living with an Aspergers partner for 27 years. The affect of an Aspergers<br />relationship when you perceive the problem to be yourself is devastating. The affect of <br />this Aspergers relationship has driven me to alcohol abuse and the enlistment of just <br />about every kind of therapy available. Aspergers can be undetectable for a long time<br />as it wears you out and erodes the relationship. I have educated myself extensively<br />on the psychological destruction inherent in mental illness and hope that there is a lot<br />of help on the way. Thank you, Gavin, for your insight and knowledge.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11293235978637907822noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-14197737814964375502017-02-08T16:50:05.730+11:002017-02-08T16:50:05.730+11:00My experience was similar. I'm an NT and becam...My experience was similar. I'm an NT and became involved with a man who, I realized in short order, has AS. At some point he backed off seeing me for several months but called every third day. When I finally threw in the towel, he offered to see me, then backed off again. I enjoyed our phone chats very much, but I wasn't interested in a virtual relationship, and the anxiety of not knowing where I stood with him was eating away at my self-esteem. Then his mom became serioysly ill passed away. After a year of dating and helping him take care of his mom during her final illness, he broke up with me in a text message a few days after her funeral. I knew he was exhausted on every level, but but but ... Over the next several months, we slowly began emailing, and he refriended me on social media. So I phoned. My call went straight to voicemail, and shortly thereafter, I discovered I'd been defriended again. Following that, I received a hostile, emailed rant. It took me a long time to feel better, and the truth is, there are many things I miss about him. One thing I don't miss, however, is the anxiety I felt trying to accommodate his needs at the expense of my own. I'm now at the point where I can thank him (in my head) for the good things he brought into my life. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-81518822335518914882017-01-26T03:39:59.998+11:002017-01-26T03:39:59.998+11:00In my personal experience, I wouldn't define m...In my personal experience, I wouldn't define my friendships/relationships as elastic style ones. Being an NT woman, in my two friendships with AS men, they usually both spent the first six months being extremely clingy and needing to see me every day. Then they suddendly disappeared almost entirely for many months and when they came back, the friendship was not at all like before. I was lucky if I managed to see them once/twice a week. So in my mind, something elastic is something that, when comes back, it comes back as it was before, that is, seeing each other very often as in the beginning. Otherwise, of course I adapt, but it hurts. Is there any way to help restore the friendship as it was in the beginning? I have already tried explaining this very clearly but the only answer I got was a very cold one. Thanks for your blog, it helps a lot.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-570337318425202432017-01-16T15:25:26.463+11:002017-01-16T15:25:26.463+11:00Great, accurate article! Perfect advice.Great, accurate article! Perfect advice.Ananoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-76370398745851301182017-01-16T03:58:35.024+11:002017-01-16T03:58:35.024+11:00The biggest thing a NT partner can learn is "...The biggest thing a NT partner can learn is "Say what you mean and mean what you say!"!Stacihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05425269294651556796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-91067616897014900372017-01-16T03:58:33.467+11:002017-01-16T03:58:33.467+11:00The biggest thing a NT partner can learn is "...The biggest thing a NT partner can learn is "Say what you mean and mean what you say!"!Stacihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05425269294651556796noreply@blogger.com