tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post7571664777135638603..comments2024-03-19T08:40:36.481+11:00Comments on Life with Aspergers: Getting Empathy (Back) into Your Relationship: Part 3Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-28483218479303394692014-12-26T02:54:33.994+11:002014-12-26T02:54:33.994+11:00Sometimes I think it also hás to do with the speed...Sometimes I think it also hás to do with the speed of processing certain emotional inputs. <br /><br />I remember arriving at a surprise going-away party and it really didn't hit me until about half an hour later. And it really can't be more in your face than a bunch of happy people shouting 🎉🎈*SURPRISE!!*<br /><br />It just took that long for me to process it. <br /><br />Sometimes tho it may be a self-regulatory process. If there is too much and sudden input, such as even a jovial 🎉🎈*SURPRISE!!* then it's as though my mind lowers the volume or closes the valve a bit to prevent myself from becoming overwhelmed. It's as though I were pacing the rate of sensory or emotional input to a level that I can process. Similar to how old dial-up modems would auto-train and negotiate the speed at which they would finally connect, depending on clarity, signal strength, frequency response and noise levels. ok, ok, I admit that analogy probably reached a very narrow audience, but yeah. 😜Miguel Palaciohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02311154354365423829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-43468316821789972782010-04-09T09:09:42.859+10:002010-04-09T09:09:42.859+10:00I'd have to agree with what Rambling Taoist sa...I'd have to agree with what Rambling Taoist said above. I can sympathize fairly easily, but if I empathize at all, it's more on an intellectual level. If I've been through an identical situation as someone else is going through, I can understand them but not really feel anything.<br /><br />I haven't seen anyone mention being on the receiving end of empathy. I'm sure people have tried to give me empathy but it doesn't work. It doesn't make me feel better if I'm hurting either emotionally or physically. I find myself wanting a tangible solution to end the pain hence empathy is useless for me.<br /><br />As a result I tend to want to provide actual solutions to people problems even though I understand that empathy might be just as good for some.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-77577935691980573022010-04-06T00:21:39.392+10:002010-04-06T00:21:39.392+10:00Gavin,
I am amazed, impressed, and grateful for t...Gavin,<br /><br />I am amazed, impressed, and grateful for the energy and time you give to sharing your life's story with others. Your blog has helped me in so many ways to understand the workings of my love interest's inner mind. I realize that you wrote this last series, concerning empathy, to help others with Asperger's to interact 'more appropriately' with their loved ones. I wish people with Asperger's didn't have to 'work' so hard in order not to hurt 'our' feelings. <br /><br />The differences between us are so curious, and it is uplifting that you wish to explore this in order to help us bridge the gap. I appreciate so many of the qualities I have grown to understand in my Asperger's friend. In fact I now feel certain that some of the qualities which are common in people with Asperger's are what I find to be so attractive and seductive in his being. Of course his inability to empathize in the manner which I am accustomed is not one of those endearing qualities, however reading books and blogs help to reassure me that is normal and not deliberately done to hurt others. I know it's a feature of your intense focus within on whatever you are working on at that moment in time. Therefore it could be said that an NT such as myself could empathize better with an Aspie if they understood this and allowed them the social grace of 'getting away' with their behavior, gesture, or lack thereof. However generally when we NT's need empathizing it registers in a hurtful way for the person we care about to behave as if they do not care about us. Try as much as I do to understand and behave accordingly, I DO find myself feeling hurt over and over again. <br /><br />I am head over heels in love with this Asperger man, who I don't believe knows anything about Asperger's. We have never discussed it. I wish I could talk to him about what I have learned, but fear that I have to use this knowledge solely to help me to understand what is going on with him and why certain things happen or don't happen with us. I do feel strongly that it would be very useful if this knowledge could come out in the open, because I allow myself to be hurt repeatedly by the very miscommunications and gestures that are labeled 'lack of empathy in Asperger's'. I don't want to injure him in any way, and so allow him to 'get away' with things that hurt me. I continually rationalize that he doesn't mean anything by these comments or behaviors, and needs his time to himself to work and stay focused on his path. I know that this is an unbalanced relationship, which is definitely not as good as it could be. However I cannot stop thinking and hoping that someday we will attempt to communicate and work on these things. I realize that without the concept of him being an 'Aspie' being out in the open, that we are missing many pieces of the puzzle which may enable us to move forward into a more honest realm.<br /><br />Do you agree that it is necessary to bring this knowledge out in the open?<br /><br />If you do, could you share your insights on how to do this in a sensitive fashion? I fear that giving any human a 'label' could be interpreted as intrusive. Aspies are very private people and the last thing I want to do is to hurt anyone else's feelings.<br /><br />Thank you so much for all that you do for others.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-17842341228859976722010-04-03T11:51:40.224+11:002010-04-03T11:51:40.224+11:00As one of the commenters from the previous post wh...As one of the commenters from the previous post who indicated that he lacks the capability of empathy, let me provide an example.<br /><br />A few weeks back, one of our cats decided to jump up to sit on my wife's lap. Something spooked him halfway through the process and so he misjudged his jump. He came in way too high and lost his bearings.<br /><br />As cats are prone to do, he extended his claws to help him right himself. Unfortunately, one of these claws snagged on my wife's chest and caused her a great amount of pain. She whooped, cursed a bit and cried.<br /><br />I was sitting next to her and about all I could muster was a very flat, "I bet that hurts." She screamed at me, "Of course, it f...ing hurts!!"<br /><br />Now, I have been scratched in that way by one of our cats before and so I know what it feels like. I could tell that my wife was in pain. However, I couldn't feel her pain; my brain simply has never worked that way. I've never been able to FEEL other people's feelings.<br /><br />I can sympathize, but not empathize. I can approach such situations clinically and rationally, but not necessarily emotionally.<br /><br />This may or may not be one of the traits associated with my Asperger's. I don't know. All I do know is that it's one of the things that differentiates me from most people I know.The Rambling Taoisthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04730292897416827840noreply@blogger.com