Life with Aspergers

Showing HER Appreciation - Part 1 Flowers

2012-01-29T11:05:00.002+11:00

This is the start of a series of articles on how to show your non-aspie partner "appreciation". It follows on from my article; Working on Your Asperger-Neurotypical Relationship Part 2: Appreciation. You won't find information on living with an Aspergers partner here because this particular series is aimed at teaching aspies to become better and more appreciative of their neurotypical partners.

My point of view here will be from the aspie male in a relationship with a neurotypical female. After all, it's the only one I can speak about from experience. If anyone has any insight into the way in which the needs of neurotypical males differ from aspie males, then please feel free to note them in the comments.

If you've been dating your current partner since you were young, you might think that she doesn't care for flowers. Certainly, that was the case in my situation.

The Past
As a "first girlfriend", my now wife never expressed any interest in flowers. I knew the names of many flowering trees and she did not. She never took my mother up on her invitations for a walk around the garden or a visit to local nurseries. Most importantly however, she never actually asked me to bring her flowers.

It was therefore quite a shock to me to find out (after we broke up as teenage lovers) that I didn't "appreciate" her because, among other things, I didn't bring her flowers.

Now bear in mind that I didn't have the best of role models. My father, a suspected aspie, certainly didn't bring my mother many flowers - and we all knew that flowers were a passion for her. In fact, I have very clear memories of the one time that he did - their tenth anniversary. How my mother raved over them and dropped very unsubtle hints for more. I lived with my parents for at least another ten years and no further flowers ever materialised in the time I was there. Apparently though, now they're a little more frequent.

My then "ex-girlfriend" talked to me about her new man on many occasions. It was a very difficult experience and I found myself having to play the part of the "gay friend" since she obviously only wanted me as a "friend". I learned a lot about romance from those discussions though.

When her relationship headed south (stopped working), I pleaded with her to "drop him and go out with me". I followed up the next day with flowers - some shockingly expensive red roses which just about wiped out my wages for the week.

I didn't realise it at the time but I had competition. Her ex was competing for her affections too - and he brought flowers as well.

It turned out that my red roses beat his yellow ones. It was the first time that I'd ever heard that specific flowers could have special significance.

Flower Tips from the Present
Over the years I've tried to deliver flowers with some regularity to show my appreciation. Here are some flower tips;

Not when you're in trouble
Flowers should say "I love you", not "please let me back into the house". You can use flowers to help with forgiveness but only after you've resolved your differences with "saying a heartfelt sorry" and deeds (proving that you mean what you say).

If you give flowers as a means of prompting forgiveness, it might work sometimes but eventually it won't. Eventually your female partner will start to associate them with bad things.

You'll know this has happened when a random gift of flowers results in the question; "what did you do?"
Be regular but not to regularAgain. Flowers should say "I love you" - not, "it's Tuesday". In a healthy relationship, thoughts of love or simply things that remind you of your partner should pop into your head fairly regularly. When they do, you should decide to give them. Obviously you shouldn't be more regular than once per week but also, you should try for at least once per month.
Follow the thoughtsIf your partner has done something particularly good for you, like cooked a special meal or bought you a surprise, then a "payback" via flowers can be a good way to show both affection and appreciation.

Similarly, if you know that your partner is having a difficult time, perhaps a friend is sick, her workplace is giving her a hard time or she has simply had a "bad week" then flowers can cheer her up and let her know that you"re thinking of her - even if you can't actually be there.
Quality is better than Quantity
Flowers bought at a florist are nearly always much better than flowers bought at the supermarket. Even worse though are flowers from the bottom of the "flower chain". Petrol/Gas station flowers. These flowers have usually been poorly looked after and exposed to a lot of bad fumes. Stay away from them unless you can't get flowers anywhere else.

Note that flowers don't always have to be from a shop. There's no reason why you can't pick flowers from your yard or while on a bush walk. Just don't do anything illegal and don't steal from other people's gardens.

Finally, don't be afraid to ask advice from florists. They're usually quite happy to give it. Talk about the type of occasion and the feelings you want to convey because different flowers have different meanings. You might also want to talk about longevity. Often I'll ask for flowers which have a bit more staying power. Roses look fantastic but they usually don't last.

Keep watching for more in this series as I try to cover other ways to show appreciation.

Working on Your Asperger-Neurotypical Relationship - Part 2 Appreciation

2012-01-09T15:18:00.000+11:00

This follows on from Part 1: Talking.

Last time, I talked about the need to talk in our relationships and specifically, to ask your partner what they need. In my case, I got the rather vague answer of "I want to be appreciated more".

That answer really confused me. If she'd said, "I want to go out to dinner more" or "I want more flowers" then it would have been a specific and measurable thing but she didn't. Instead she used a vague and undefined term - and the only thing I got was that I must have done some of it but it wasn't enough. I had to do more.

I guess to really appreciate my point of view, suppose I'd been asked the question and replied that I wanted a bit more lavacultophilia (not that I actually do). My wife would be in a similar quandry (except that lavacultophilia is a real word which actually means a desire to stare at someone in a bathing suit). I got this randomly out of the Grandiloquent Dictionary. In my case, looking up appreciation doesn't necessarily give me anything I can use.

So, getting back to the point. I was left with a mental journey I needed to go on to determine what appreciation was and how to give more of it;

As far as I can tell, there are an unlimited number of parts to appreciation but here are some of the majors;

Flowers
Saying "Thank You"
Saying "I really appreciate.... " with a specific target in mind (eg: ironing, food etc)
Spontaneously helping out
Praising HER to the kids (ie: "Isn't your mother clever")
Listening and Showing Empathy
Spontaneous Gifts

It's possible that it could also mean less of the following;

Criticism
Sarcasm
Being dismissive of opinions

I'm trying very hard to be more appreciative and some of these things are working. I'll talk about flowers in my next post. The praise isn't working so well with most of my efforts being brushed off - so obviously I'm doing it all wrong.

Spontaneous help is working a little and listening/empathy is hardly working at all. I'll be working on those and will hopefully have a positive post later.

Welcome to 2012

2012-01-06T08:17:00.002+11:00

Welcome to 2012, the year the Mayans thought it was all going to end. I'm not actually a big believer myself and I'm pretty certain that I'll be writing a similar new year post next year.

2012 is set to be a momentous year for the autism community. The revised DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) will be finalized (though it's not due out until May 2013) and will bring with it some quite controversial changes which will no doubt throw some members of the autism community into "damage control mode".

If the writers have their way, Aspergers will become an obselete term and the name of this blog will no longer have any meaning. You'll notice that I'm not rushing to change it.

This year, we'll be finishing off a few articles which have a part one but no part two. The "best of the best" series will hopefully be back and we'll have some more reviews including one for the best asperger relationship book I've ever read.

We'll also be reviewing some films and hopefully looking at some android apps which will enable you to affordably get the same sort of autism assistance experience that you get on an iPad at a fraction of the cost.

All in all, it's going to be another great year and I hope you'll come along for the ride.

Executive Functioning Issues and Older Teens

2011-12-28T20:19:00.000+11:00

This post follows on from my earlier post "How a Lack of Executive Functioning May Appear in Young Adults" which actually ended up looking at children rather than young adults. (Thanks Sharon for pointing that out.) Hopefully I won't get sidetracked again. If you haven't read that post, you might want to read it before continuing here as it provides a useful introduction to the topic.

In my earlier post I defined lack of executive function and talked about the problems it can cause in day-to-day scenarios involving simple tasks, like getting dressed. As children get older however, executive functioning difficulties become more pronounced because they're expected to be able to take responsibility for more far-reaching decisions.

The decisions made by teens can affect lives and can result in legal action, injury and even death.

An Example;
Take, as an example, the problem of driving home after a night out.

The simplified executive functioning would probably flow as follows but each component would have a myriad of ordered sub-tasks as well;

Decide - Am I ok to drive home?
This would require both a knowledge of the drink-driving laws as well as a reasonably accurate count of one's own consumption. Of course, if there's a tester machine handy, this simplifies things but someone with defective executive functioning could easily miss this step and not even consider their own suitability to drive. Of course, if they're well over the limit, then their executive functioning is probably even more impaired than usual and the decision will not be made without outside involvement.
Decide - Are my friends ok
Chances are, this decision would probably not even occur to an individual with Aspergers syndrome. It's not that they don't care but simply that it takes work to put themselves in someone else's shoes and they won't pick up on subtleties. If someone's speech is slurred or if they're a little unsteady on their feet, it probably won't register but of course, if they fall over - or better still, ask directly for a lift home, they'll be helped. Even without executive functioning difficulties, this step will probably be missed.
Drive Home
Driving is an executive functioning nightmare. There are so many sequenced tasks to perform that little things, like putting a seat belt on may be missed. There's also the constant distraction of one's driving surroundings. Headlights from oncoming traffic, noise from the radio or passengers, street lights, traffic lights etc. You'd be surprised at how these things can further impair executive functioning.

So far, I've hardly mentioned the worst parts of executive functioning difficulties, distractions and unexpected change but both of these can be deadly.. Driving aged teens rarely seem to drive alone and the distraction of their passengers can be enough to have serious consequences.

Change is just as bad. You might be wondering what exactly constitutes change on the road since since everything there is in motion but I can tell you that both of my worst teenage driving accidents were the result of cars being in "unexpected places". Simply driving at different times of the day can put parked vehicles in previously moving lanes.

In the days before mobile phones, street-side telephone boxes used to be a big issue too because cars would be unexpectedly parked there when their owners were on the phone. Although these are less of a worry now, a car turning at a rarely used intersection is enough change to cause an accident.

Beyond Driving
The problems of teenagers with executive functioning difficulties don't end with cars. Unless they have extremely strong personalities, it's hard for them to make appropriate choices when peer pressure is applied. It's also more likely that they will react incorrectly under pressure.

For example, a person involved in a low-level crime, such as underage smoking, drinking or loitering, may not realize that the crime isn't serious enough for them to be hauled off to jail. Instead of standing their ground and accepting a lecture from the law, they may try to run or even worse, may react violently.

This is one of the reasons why so there are so many stories about people with aspergers being assaulted by police. It's not police brutality, it's simply that these young adults react inappropriately by either becoming overly defensive or by fleeing.

Finally, the problems are not limited to legal and driving issues. They also have social consequences. For example. a female with impaired executive functioning may go too far in flirting with someone. In particular, flirting without a clear plan or intentions. This can lead to unsavory and dangerous responses. It would be wrong to suggest that a female is responsible for an aggressive reaction but at the same time, an inability to read warning signals and a failure to plan for safety significantly increases her risk.

What can be done?
It's hard to know exactly what can be done to improve executive functioning skills in young adults and the problem is twofold;

How to recognize a lack of executive functioning?
If this has been picked up in a young child, and taught constantly, then there's an easy answer. Unfortunately however most doctors talk about autism, adhd or aspergers in general terms rather than the specifics of executive functioning.
How to teach a young adult to plan more effectively
If it wasn't difficult enough to pass on the skills of successful planning and awareness to young adults, there is also the problem that young adults are not interested in this sort of "training" from their parents. While role-playing these scenarios could be helpful, it's unlikely that it could be accomplished at home. It really needs to be done as part of their formal education.

What these young adults really need is to have role-playing (and social stories) about real-life teen situations included as part of the school curriculum. I know that it sounds a bit "sleazy" suggesting that we teach our teenagers to flirt or to prepare to depart a drunken party but role-playing these scenarios is probably the most effective means of combating the problem. There is also the suggestion that teens with aspergers syndrome should be registered with their local police station (or at least wear a medical band) in case their condition leads to police action.

I'll be very interested to hear what my readers feel could be appropriate solutions.

Working on Your Asperger-Neurotypical Relationship - Part 1 Talking

2011-12-14T09:21:00.001+11:00

Over the years I've written quite a bit about AS/NT relationships. I've written about accepting your aspergers partner for who they are and how to reach them in the relationship.

I guess that it's all been a bit one-sided but today I'm starting a series which might rectify the balance. These posts is directed at people with Asperger's sydrome and are about being the best partner that you can be.

All relationships need work. They're not "fire and forget". You can't simply say, ok we've ticked the boxes; we're married, we have a house and we have kids. That's not where the work ends.

There's a saying from Marriage Encounters which I like to repeat. "Sometimes I love my partner -- and sometimes I have to work harder at it",

Life is all about change. As aspies we often don't like change but we're powerless to stop it. Like it or not, people change and situations change. In order to adapt to these changes, we too need to change.

We may have loved our partner because among other things, she shared our love of Star Wars but that was twenty years ago. As aspies, we often retain our special interests for life but our neurotypical partners do not. We have to accept that these things change and conversations which were once interesting to them are now considered "boring".

An Example
It took me years to learn that my wife no longer loved movies. She didn't care who the director was or what else they were working on. For her, a movie at the cinemas is an "escape" from the rigurs of daily life and kids. No matter how good the movie was, she does not want to talk about it afterwards.

Of course, that's all I want to do after a film and our rides home were probably torture for her. It didn't help when she told me to stop talking about it either because she'd mostly use fake excuses like; "I have a headache". "Oh, Ok", I thought, "I'll save this interesting diatribe for some time when she's feeling better".

It was a long time before she was honest with me about her reasons and even then I'd get it wrong thinking that she didn't want to talk about that specific movie. After all, when her words were; "I don't want to talk about the movie!" what else can I think?

When it finally sunk in, I said "well, you talk then and I'll listen", probably quite snappily. She didn't talk though because she claimed to be busy driving and our conversation dropped into awkward silence which was only broken about ten minutes later with her saying; "so what? are you not talking to me now or what?"

I was confused. On the one hand, she wants me to talk about something but on the other, it needs to be things directly related to her - and outside the realm of my special interest.

Instead of a wall of talk, I need to be more give and take. I need to guess something that she wants to talk about and ask questions.

It's not easy. I'll ask about the kids or family or budget but I'm often met with "oh, so now you want to talk about it .... after I've been doing it for years....". Obviously they're not the right conversations either.

It seemed that there was no easy answer but apparently there is.

You're supposed to talk about "us". When you're out as a couple, the conversation should be about "us". The questions you need to ask are;

How are you feeling?
How was your day?
Is there anything that I can do to help?
What do you need from me?
Are you happy in this relationship?
How do you feel our relationship is going? (don't ask this one while she's driving).

Once she picks herself up off the floor and answers you, you need to think about the answer she's given you and try to find a way to work at delivering it. Also, don't be surprised if you get asked the same question back - be prepared to give an answer.

In my case, the answer was; "I want to be appreciated more" ... and I guess that's the topic of my next post.

In the meantime, if you're an aspie, then your homework is to ask your partner one of those questions. Also... If you're a female aspie, I'm keen to know if your partners have similar needs or if they're just happy to talk about special interests?

BTW: A big shout out to Aspie Wife Aspie Mom who first got me thinking about "the other side".

Book Review: What I wish I'd known about Raising a Child with Autism by Bobbi Sheahan and Kathy DeOenellas PH D.

2011-12-09T08:44:00.001+11:00

"What I wish I'd known about Raising a Child with autism: A mom and a psychologist offer heartfelt guidance for the first five years", Bobbi Sheahan and Kathy DeOenellas PH D, Future Horizons Inc, 2011.

This is a mother and psychologist writing team book with a difference. This time, the person with autism is female.

The book in general is very well laid out and there is never any doubt as to which of the authors is writng at any given time. Bobby has written the majority of the text while Kathy, the psychologist writes less frequently and always in a grey box.

There are scattered tips highlighted throughout the book and each chapter includes at least a few entitled "it bears repeating" or "what I wish I'd known".

Bobbi's writing style is breezy, funny and engaging. She covers some very difficult topics and makes it clear that as a parent nothing is ever easy.

Kathy tends to write on a whole different level and at times seems to have difficulty restraining the urge to cite all manner of research. Much of what she has to say is informative and supports bobbi's experience but I'd prefer to have heard things in her own words.

There are one or two places where the authors get side-tracked by common myths about autism but they're minor quibbles. This is primarily a book written by a mother, for a mother. It's written from the outside looking in and it tells things as they seem.

I was delighted to find Bobbi acknowledging this in a later chapter where she talks to her daughter about a long-past incident. Who hasn't had a child with asd's eat a lightbulb? I know I have. Bobbi's daughter, Grace's recollection of the incident highlights the fact that there was a lot more going on than was immediately obvious. It was a very touching moment in the book.

The book is full of great ideas and indeed, I'm already sold on a couple. It's prompted me to change my thinking on a couple of common ASD behaviours.

All in all, this book is a fun and breezy read packed with facts, experience and ideas. It's aimed at parents with children in the first five years of an ASD but I think it stretches much further than that.

It covers not only the child with autism but also the need to look after the rest of the family and the problems of dealing with others who can't accept your child. Bobbi's journey to many of these realisations is difficult and we could all benefit from the lessons she learned along the way.

I'd highly recommend this book to parents, psychologist and people supporting special needs children in general.

"What I wish I'd known about Raising a Child with autism: A mom and a psychologist offer heartfelt guidance for the first five years" is available from Future Horizons, Amazon and Bobbi's Web Site (http://www.bobbisheahan.com/).

Honesty Clause: I was provided with a review copy of this book at no charge.

TV Series Review - Doc Martin

2011-12-07T13:35:00.001+11:00

My wife and I have just spent the last few months watching every episode of "Doc Martin" a British TV series about a Doctor (not that other Doctor) who relocates from a job as a top surgeon in London to general practitioner in Portwenn, a tiny fictional village in Cornwall.

It's mostly a comedy series but it has some drama and romance elements as well. The reason I'm reviewing it here however is because Doc Martin's character is, I believe, intended to "have Aspergers Syndrome" and for neurotypical adults this gives you a good glimpse into both sides of an AS/NT relationship.

Nobody does situation comedy for Television better than the British and Doc Martin doesn't disappoint in this area. Although it is very funny, it's actually in the development of Doc Martin's relationship that the show really excels. Each story is relatively self-contained but it is strongly recommended that you watch the series in the correct order to get a good sense of this development.

The words "Aspergers Syndrome" so far have only made a single appearance in the show when a psychologist tells Doc Martin that he has it - shortly before being unceremoniously bundled out the door but there's no doubt that the writers intended it to be a talking point. Remember that there's no litmus paper test for Aspergers Syndrome and someone may display many of the symptoms without actually having it.

In Doc Martin's case, who but the scriptwriter really knows?

I will however point out a few things I've noted;

Doc Martin certainly feels emotions and empathy but usually doesn't show them in the way you'd expect. Some close people however are able to read them some of the time.
It's clear that he has an unusual gait (walk).
He has significant difficulty in conversations and minimal ability to small-talk. He does prove that he can "act normal" though but it's obviously an act.
He has two obsessions, medicine and clocks - I'm aware that you'd expect a good doctor to be interested in medicine but Doc Martin takes things a little too far at times (Series 5).
He's obviously quite confused at times as to why his remarks hurt other people.
He's clearly completely unaware of some of the signals that others are giving off (pharmacist).

If we were using the DSM IV-TR diagnostic criteria on Doc Martin, he'd arguably flag the following;
(skip past this bit if you find it dull)

Part A
Failure to share interests, enjoyment or achievements with others.
Lack of social or emotional reciprocity.

Part B
Preoccupation with one or more narrow interests which are abnormal in intensity or focus.

C. The disturbance causes clinically significant problems in social, occupational or other areas of function.
D. There is no clinically significant delay with language milestones.
E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development
F. The disorder does not meet the criteria for any other Pervasive Developmental Disorder or for Schizophrenia

But I'm not here to say whether or not he's an aspie.

It's a great show and my wife and I have gotten a lot of enjoyment out of watching him and his situations. Our discussions during and after the show have been quite good too because sometimes it's easy to see what a particular character should have done when a communications problem occurs. It's very educational for people in mixed AS/NT relationships.

Doc Martin Series 1-4 is currently available at Amazon (and it's on special). Series 5 is currently airing around the world and there's currently a campaign going around to get Series 6 filmed.

Honesty Clause
Doc Martin was recommended by my parents and I watched it purely on their advice. I was not given any review materials but sought the show out on my own.

How a Lack of Executive Functioning May Appear in Young Adults

2011-11-30T19:48:00.001+11:00

You'll often hear that people with Aspergers syndrome have problems with "executive functioning" but what does it mean and how does it manifest in young adults? In this post, I hope to give you some answers.

Put simply, executive functions are higher level functions such as planning, reasoning, problem solving, multi-tasking, attention span, inhibition, flexibility, self monitoring, self-initiation and self guidance. I'm sure I've left out quite a few.

Executive functions are important but in an animal sense, a lack of them is usually not life threatening. Eating, sleeping, moving and toileting for example, aren't classed as "executive functions". While executive functioning provides many advantages, it's not so critical in the pure "animal" sense. It's people and society that has made executive functioning critical in humans.

How a Lack of Executive Functioning Could Manifest in Young Adults
The remainder of this post will focus on an example, in this case; getting ready for school. This may seem like a single task but it is actually an objective made up of many different tasks.

A parent of a child with good executive functioning might expect to be able to say "get yourself ready for school" or even have their child realise that because it's Tuesday, they need to get ready and wear their sports uniform. This would imply self initiation of tasks.

The getting ready for school task includes sub-tasks such as;

Getting your pyjamas off
Putting your pyjamas under the pillow ready for "after school"
Putting underpants on
Deciding whether to wear a sports or normal uniform
Putting pants on
Putting a shirt on
Putting a tie, headband, ribbons etc on
Putting socks on
Washing Hands
Having Breakfast
Washing hands and face
Brushing Teeth
Putting Lunch in the school bag
Putting Books/Diary in the school bag
Putting Shoes on
Getting outside on time.

A child with poor executive functioning will see these all as entirely separate tasks. They know that "going to school" is part of the big picture but they won't be able to sequence the tasks and they won't self-start or self-monitor. If there are any distractions available they will quickly become distracted and will fail to complete the task.

If anything changes, for example, if their favourite breakfast cereal isn't available, then they will not have the flexibility to be able to cope with change. They will not be able to do tasks out of order; for example getting their bags packed before breakfast and the entire "getting ready for school" process will stop. The inflexibility may even trigger a meltdown.

Then there is the matter of lack of inhibition. You might feel that this simply refers to states of undress, and in this example it could. The lack of Inhibition however refers to a much wider issue. In particular, it refers to a control mechanism which tells us when "enough is enough" or when certain behavior is unwarranted. For example, a child lacking in inhibition may not realise when a parent is dangerously overwhelmed and may continue to "push buttons" way past a point of safety.

The Big Picture
This may sound like your child but I'm not necessarily here to offer solutions to the problems of getting ready for school. This post wasn't about that. It was about the lack of executive functioning. Take any sequence of tasks or anything for which good planning and "common sense" is required and you'll spot the executive functioning issues.

This is what we need to be addressing with children on the spectrum.

Autism Advocacy and Points of View

2011-11-16T09:03:00.001+11:00

There's been a lot of discussion in the blogsphere recently culmulating in this interesting and insightful post about drawing lines in the sand.

The ideals expressed were admirable but I could see several places where the author of the post hadn't actually met them (based on things said in comments and earlier posts). Like a true aspie champion of logic, I was about to point them out when I realised two things;

It's not very nice
My slate isn't exactly clean either

It got me thinking about the bigger picture and inspired me to take a look at advocacy and different points of view. In particular, I was wondering how I personally would go accepting all of these conflicting points of view.

The Indivisible Point of View
We're advocates right? We have to have a point of view. In my case, I'm advocating for my children's right to be accepted as part of normal society. For their right to do things that others do and for their right to live without being judged on their "genetic inheritance".

These are pretty important rights.

It's hard for me to find space in my point of view to accept the views of people who feel that their children have been "stolen by autism" or "corrupted by vaccines". The same goes for people who feel that other people's children simply "need a good spanking".

It's even harder when those points of view actually do damage, whether to a person's self esteem or to their well being. This happens via overly restrictive diets, institutionalisation, chelation, shock therapy and ... even murder.

Seeing and Empathising isn't Necessarily Agreeing
The point is that we simply can't agree with all of these points of view. It's impossible - and yet, until we've walked in another person's shoes, we're not qualified to pass judgement.

We need to accept that these points of view exist and at least try to understand and empathise with them. Yes, even murder - though I'll admit that's a very difficult one.

Note that I'm not saying that you should agree or even accept it as valid. Just accepting the fact that the point of view exists and that people may hold it is enough. It will help you to move on and ignore, advocate for change or provide gentle and supportive correction.

Points of view are one thing - actions are a different thing entirely.
All Points of View are "grey" even extremist ones.

So, having accepted that a point of view, no matter how wrong, has the right to exist; how do we change it?

First of all, we should ask the question; should we change it? Is it so wrong that the answer is black and white?

For some points of view, murder being the obvious one, this should be a no brainer. There are still some grey areas though...

Would everyone agree that the mother who deliberately drives her car into the river to kill her autistic children is wrong?

She's obviously unwell and has probably suffered a lot with her children. Her actions are likely the combination of stress with lack of support and extremes of experience. Even when these things appear premeditated, it's unlikely that any parent with their full wits about them would want to kill their own offspring.

Then there's the question of "the more socially acceptable form of murder"; abortion.

Is the couple who agree to murder a child they've never seen on the basis of a test which could be wrong any less guilty?

Why does society deem this as acceptable and indeed for some conditions such as downs syndrome, accept it as standard practice? Perhaps the issue isn't so black and white after all.

Advocating Against Different Points of View

Now that we've accepted that these different points of view and grey areas exist, is there a need for us, as advocates to change them?

Probably - but like everything, it's a case of "pick your battles".

Case in point, the immunisation debate.

We know that mercury in immunisation shots isn't the cause of autism. At least, it's not the sole cause. We also know that autism tends to follow genetic lines and doesn't need a bump on the head or a refridgerator mother. At the same time there are enough disturbing cases of children who appear neurotypical only to "become" autistic around the time of their immunisation shots.

We know that tests have been carried out to demonstrate that immunisation doesn't affect the majority of children this way but can we really be certain that a certain type of shot doesn't act in a wildly different manner in a certain type of genetic material?

It's not a battle we can win and although I'm in favour of immunisation, I think it's a perfectly good idea for a parent who has one child affected by autism (which coincides with shots) to avoid giving the second child a shot. It's a risk but it's potentially the lesser of two risks.

A few years ago, had I been asked about this, I probably would have vhemently tried to change your mind. I like to think that I've grown since then - and that I can accept the point of view. Perhaps by accepting that point of view, I'm keeping my mind open for future discoveries.

Other debates however are less acceptable to me and I feel that I can sometimes make a difference by "nudging". Ignoring the big issues because we've already discussed murder, one particular pain point for me is the negativity surrounding autism.

I've read a lot of blogs with parents discussing the negative aspects of their children and wives talking about their "husband issues" and wonder what will happen when the person they're talking about eventually reads those writings? How is it going to affect their self esteem.

I can't tell anyone else what to think but I can post helpful (not judgmental) comments. I can offer support and alternatives and I can try to promote a positive view via my blog. It's the best I can do. I can offer change but I can't force it.

As they say, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink".

Tony Attwood's Three Requisites for a Successful Relationship

2011-11-09T17:58:00.001+11:00

I just finished reading an Aspergers Relationship book today (it's excellent by the way and a review is coming shortly). The book had a great quote from Tony Attwood near the end and it's such a great quote that I've been mulling it over all day long.

I thought it was worth repeating here;

Clinical and counselling experience suggests that there are three requisites for a successful relationship.

The first is that both partners acknowledge the diagnosis.
The second requisite is motivation for both partners to change and learn.
The third is access to relationship counselling modified to accommodate the profile of abilities and experiences of the partner with Aspergers Syndrome.

- Dr. Tony Attwood, "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome"

Let's look at Tony's three requirements in more detail;

1. Both partners acknowledge the diagnosis
I know that I'm often saying that "it's just a label" and "it doesn't change you as a person" but it's still extremely important to accept the label.

An NT who doesn't accept their partner's label will simply brush off their partner's traits as;

Rude
Disinterested
Self-Obsessed
Unemotional and/or lacking in empathy
Lacking in Social Skills
Lazy
Whining
Frigid

These are all very negative and impact not only the relationship but also the aspie partner's self esteem.

In some relationships, the condition is reversed. The neurotypical partner fully accepts that their partner has aspergers but the partner with aspergers can't accept the label. Unfortunately, if you can't even accept your own traits, then you won't be in a position to change them.

2. Motivation for both partners to change and learn
You'll notice that the second requirement specifies both partners. Too often, change is driven by a single partner and ignored by the other.

The requirement doesn't specify that the level of motivation should be the same and it's often the case that one partner will have to do more work than the other to bring balance to the relationship. The rule isn't about the amount of effort one puts in, it's about willingness to change - on both sides.

3. Modified Relationship Counselling
The third requirement is a really interesting one. It suggests that normal relationship counselling will not work. You need to see someone who understands Aspergers Syndrome.

This is actually a very tricky requirement. You'd find it difficult to find even a local doctor who understands how Aspergers Syndrome presents in adults - particularly if the aspie is female. You certainly won't have a great deal of luck finding a local relationship counselor who fits the bill.

There's no understating this rule. To a normal counselor, a person with aspergers may appear cold, unemotional or unconcerned about the relationship. They may appear to care more for their "rock collection" (or other special interest) than they do for their partner.

Even if your counselor knows about Aspergers Syndrome - or Autism, it's probable that they only understand it in the classic sense. A lot has changed over the years and the perception of aspies as people without empathy has undergone a drastic change recently. Unless your counselor is aware of this, they won't be in a position to help the relationship.

Then of course, there's the subject of children. Caring for children is one thing - and it puts enough stress on a relationship. Caring for children with Aspergers Syndrome is a completely different thing altogether. Since Aspergers is at least partially genetic in nature, it makes sense that your counselor won't really be able to understand your case without understanding how children with Aspergers are different.

So there you have it.
Tony's three criteria for successful relationships in which one partner has Aspergers Syndrome. Have a think about it.... does your relationship satisfy all three criteria? If not, is there anything you can do about it?

Links

Tony Attwood's web site is here; http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/
You can get a copy of Tony's Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome from Amazon.
You can find copies of Tony's other books on Amazon too.

Medications and Special Needs - It's Your Choice

2011-11-06T18:39:00.001+11:00

This is a best of the best of the best post. Check this link after November 15 for a lot of of different perspectives on the same topic by other writers associated with Special Needs.

If you're new to the world of special needs, you'll quickly become acquianted with a list of "hot topics" ranging from debate about the use of jigsaw logos, to the words aspie, aspergian, autie and others. Of course, the biggest debate of all has always been - should we or shouldn't we medicate our children?

It's a good question and there's no easy answer.

Protest Groups
You really can't discuss this topic without talking about protest groups. There are protest groups everywhere and they all have different motivations. Some of them are against any kind of medication - including aspirin, some are based on "knee-jerk" reactions to incorrect research and some are simply reacting to "bad events" or bad press.

Of course, there are some good protest groups around too but they're usually drowned out by their noisier counterparts.

Most of the protest groups have ulterior motivations. They're often less concerned with children than with their own profits, sensationalism and beliefs. You need to be very wary of their influence. If you're reading an article and it seems particularly biased against medications, check carefully to see whether it's associated with a protest group before you trust its contents.

Protest groups are also responsible for "programming" friends and relatives to go on the attack against parents who have legitimately been prescribed medications for their children. You have to watch their sources too because as soon as an anti-medications show airs on a current affairs channel, they'll be on your back again.

Pro Groups
It might sound strange to suggest that there are actually groups out there who are "pro medication". After all, who wants to medicate children unless it's necessary? Drug companies, that's who. Unfortunately, in many countries, drug companies provide incentives for doctors to prescribe their medications to children on a long-term basis. It's in their interest to get people hooked on their product from an early age.

Sadly, there's no easy way to identify these practitioners for sure; but probably the best clue is when your doctor is constantly recommending that you try one medication after another instead of suggesting therapy and classes. For example, if your child has anger issues, it's perfectly feasible that medication could be the only answer but unless you've given the alternatives, coaching for instance, a go, you'll never know.

Medication should be one of the last resorts, with only surgery being perhaps worse.

Your Choice
The point is that not all medication is good for you but equally, not all medication is bad for you. As parents, you have to make the choice based on the available information - which is unfortunately, biased regardless of its source - and subject to change in the future.

Your best bet is, if possible, to talk to other parents who have children on and off medication and observe the differences between the children. Note that all children will react differently and although a medication works for one child, it may not work for another.

Find out from your doctor how long it should take before you start seeing effects and stick to the timetable. If the medication appears to have no effect, discontinue.

The other thing to remember is that it's your choice every day. You don't simply make the choice once and forget because you need to continually review the use of medication as your child gets older, as alternatives come on the market and as more research which could highlight the negatives of your current medications becomes available.

Keep an open mind but at the same time, keep a good eye out for safety and common sense.

International ADHD Awareness Week

2011-10-18T11:33:00.002+11:00

This week is the official international ADHD Awareness week and I thought it might be appropriate to talk about the condition - especially since it's so common in children (and adults) with Asperger Syndrome. In fact, it's very common for people to be diagnosed with ADHD first.

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder and it goes hand in hand with another disorder which was once called ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). These two disorders are now considered one, though it's quite common to distingish ADD as ADHD-I (ADHD - Inattentive).

Public Perception

If you don't have children with ADHD/ADD, you're probably imagining children who are literally bouncing off walls, throwing things and jumping across furniture. Like Aspergers, ADHD suffers greatly from stereotypes.

It's quite common for people to witness televised "extreme acts of ADHD" and blame it on the parents, red cordial, too much TV, poor discipline or any number of other things. Lots of people say that ADHD wasn't around when they were young. That children "behaved" and were harshly disciplined.

I beg to differ. ADHD was around years ago. ADHD is NOT about "extreme acts" it's about smaller everyday impulses. There have always been people who are easily distracted, impulsive or disorganised. It may not have been called ADHD in the past, perhaps they were simply "spirited" children but it was no different to the ADHD being diagnosed today.

Being Distractable

A person with ADHD may seem inattentive but the truth is that they are simply too easily distracted by their senses. A child with ADHD may find that other noises in the classroom constantly pull them off topic, that movement outside a window, or even within the classroom will constantly direct their gaze away from the board or that the smell of food in the classroom causes them to think about lunch rather than the topic at hand.

It's not all jumping around behaviour. Often it's just constant but little distractions which make it impossible to concentrate. These distractions can seriously impact the learning ability of the ADHD child.

Impulsiveness

Unlike the media portrayals, being impulsive isn't about walking up to people and hitting them. Most impulsive actions are far less visible. An impulsive child may start answering a question before it has been completely asked. In the classroom setting, this is simply annoying because it seems like an interruption but have you considered how this would affect a test?

In the classroom, the teacher can correct the child, "You didn't answer correctly because you didn't wait for the entire question". In an exam situation, the child is too busy answering the first part of the question to read the fine print. They might take three pages to answer a question that is supposed to be answered in 25 words. They may miss a vital part of the question or they may complete their test without knowing that there are more questions on the other side of the paper.

Children with ADHD already have enough issues in exams due to sensory issues and inattentiveness. Misreading questions makes it even more difficult. These are smart kids but even the best special exam considerations are simply not enough.

Of course, there are impulsive physcial actions too. A child may throw an object without taking the time to check that people aren't too closely grouped around them. They might chase a ball across a street without stopping to look both ways or they might snatch something off a friend without remembering to ask for it nicely. This isn't rudeness or deliberate endangerment, this is simply the ADHD child missing steps in a procedure.

Impulsitivty manifests at home too. It occurs when the child sits down to the table without having washed their hands. When they help to carry food to the table without being careful of spillage and when they are so eager to eat that they forget to use their knife and fork.

Being Disorganized

A child with ADHD will often live in either "the moment" or a "daydream". There's not a lot in between these states. They tend to react to things going on around them and they will often withdraw into their own thoughts. What they generally won't do is plan. Even when they do plan, their impusitivity prevents them from following a strict ordered list. They will rush out of a classroom, leaving their books still on the desk. It's not laziness, it's just steps in the procedure being missed.

They'll readily agree to go to an event but won't think to write down the date or the location. They won't consider potential clashes and chances are that if they do remember, they're going to be late. It all looks like complete disorganisation but really, it's just another way to look at impulsiveness.

Adults

Children don't grow out of ADHD. There are plenty of adults with the condition. Many of them have learned to use lists, plans and other methods to get by. Some are on medications (and some apparently swear by recreational drugs).

I'm not here to propose solutions. Today, I just want to sway a few opinions. Next time you hear about someone with ADHD, try to understand how difficult things that you take for granted are for them.

Lets try not to be so judgmental.

Special Needs Family Life

2011-10-13T09:31:00.004+11:00

This is a "best of the best post. Check the link: SOS Best of the Best Edition 11: Family Life from 15th October for more posts on this topic by other authors.

Normally I tend to keep my family life quite separate from my general aspergers posts. No, I'm not fussed about privacy, it's all there on a different blog (see:http://gbollard.blogspot.com). I just do my best to to shield my readers from the boredom of my daily life.

This month's BOB topic however is "family life" and I guess this is one of the hardest posts I've had to write. How do I make it sound interesting?

You see, apart from unexpected change, our lives are pretty much the same as everyone else's. We've got things down to a routine.

It wasn't always like this. We had years of terrible struggle until we developed all of the rules. As parents, we've gotten very good at predicting events and distractions.

For example; We can now look at food with the eyes of my eldest son and know that the texture will set him off. We're prepared. Sometimes we'll give him an alternative and sometimes we'll simply give him a smaller portion, carefully selected to avoid triggering his texture sensitivities.

We can anticipate the problems that change will create and begin warning and preparing well before the event. If classes at school are going to be largely disrupted or if there's a large unstructured and loosely supervised event occuring (like a swimming carnival), then we can simply keep the kids at home that day.

Then there's disappointment. We've learned to deal with it. Instead of shamfacedly saying, "oh well, you got an E in writing... at least it wasn't an F", we dismiss the reports and concentrate on effort rather than performance. Our kids are trying and that's all that matters. We say; "did you do your best? Well done then. Good effort".

Then there's worry about the future. It used to be part of our lives but now we're all Hakuna Matata (thanks Timon and Pumbaa). Our aim is simply happiness.

We've learned to not only accept the weird but to openly embrace it. Sure, we still have some crazy moments, like when Kaelan (10) whipped out his camera at customs and started taking photos of the officials, or when Tristan (7) booked a wedding for himself online. We still have our meltdowns, our car fights and crazy misinterpretations.

We've learned to live with those weird moments - and to celebrate them.

Every family has those things though.

So, our home life is sweet now - at least until the next meltdown, holiday or unscheduled event.

Less Confrontational Strategies for Approaching Children with Asperger's Syndrome during a Meltdown Event

2011-10-11T10:17:00.002+11:00

In my last post, I looked at less confrontational strategies to approach children with Asperger's syndrome under normal conditions. In this post, I want to look at how it's done during a meltdown.

A Brief Look at Meltdowns

I'll begin by defining a meltdown. Meltdowns are generally violent and loud events which look very much like temper tantrums with one very obvious distinction. Meltdowns are "out of control" events. The aspie is not using the meltdown as a means of getting what they want - in fact, they want the meltdown to stop more than you do.

Of course, not all meltdowns actually are violent but all have the capacity to be violent. An aspie in a meltdown state is not responsible for their actions.

For this reason, it's important for young aspies to learn their triggers and how to avoid them.

To Approach or Not to Approach

The first question that you need to ask yourself is; is it dangerous for you, for others or for the aspie?

If the situation isn't dangerous, then don't walk into it unless you're very confident that you can provide the exact kind of support that the aspie needs. During a meltdown event, no support is much better than the "wrong kind" of support.

Different ways to Attract Attention

The techniques which work for one aspie won't necessarily work for another. Many children respond well to a calm voice repeating something like "it's alright". In fact, most people with aspergers seem to respond best to "the calm voice" but as I found out during one incident, it's not for everyone.

If your technique isn't working - and particularly if it seems to be irritating the aspie then stop. Some children respond better to a stern voice or even a snap of the fingers. It's important to discuss control techniques with the parents to find out what works best for a particular child.

What not to do

Don't become part of the meltdown. The child may be using violence, shouting and abusive language but you should not. For the most part, the aspie isn't in control of the situation but you, the adult, should be.

Don't turn the aspie into a spectacle. As I mentioned before, the child in a meltdown state isn't putting this on. They're" out of control" and they really want the meltdown to end. It's very much like being a helpless observer in someone else's body. They're going to feel bad enough about the situation after the crisis without you drawing extra attention to it by pointing, laughing or taking photos/video.

Don't attempt to lecture or accuse during the meltdown. The aspie isn't in control and won't be able to process information. Save any recriminations and discussion until the meltdown is over.

What to do

Make the situation safe
Take a good look at the meltdown and the objects/people around. Look for anything which is unsafe, such as glass objects, dangerous things which could be thrown or used as a weapon and move them safely out of reach. If others are in harms way try to get them to maintain a safe distance and if you have extra supervision, have that supervisor clear them from the area.

Watchers, particularly youth watchers can often contribute to a meltdown by teasing and laughing. You'll also be helping the aspie to keep their friends if you can isolate them in times of crisis.
Remove the trigger
Although meltdowns usually serve a longer term and less visible "feeling", there is usually a trigger for a given situation. Sometimes this will be something simple, like building blocks and sometimes it will be a person. If it is possible to remove the trigger safely, then do so. If the trigger is a person, then remove the person from the room or at least out of reach/sight of the aspie.

Sometimes it will be better if the aspie is escorted away from the trigger. If that's the case, you'll need to entice them rather than attempting to drag them.
Attempt to get the aspie into a stationary position
If the aspie is moving about they're far more likely to cause harm to themselves, others or objects. If you can get them stationary, you'll be more able to control the situation.

There will be times when you do need to chase them to intercept, such as when they're heading towards a busy road. In general, however, you should allow the aspie to separate from a situation provided that they stop a short distance away. One of the cardinal mistakes that police make with aspies is chasing them or restraining them unnecessarily.

Often, if you sit down, the aspie can also be convinced to sit down - albeit, some distance away.
Desensitize the Environment
It should come as no surprise that meltdowns occur more frequently in noisy, overcrowded environments. Don't forget that aspies have a lot of sensory issues. If you can reduce these by turning off any background music, bright lights, sound etc, then it will often reduce the intensity of the meltdown.
Co-habit but don't touch
If it's safe to do so, you might want to sit near the aspie who has had a meltdown. Your presence may be enough to calm them down. Note however that if you're wearing strong scents, you could pose a sensory issue. Most importantly however, don't touch. You can tell the aspie that if they want a hug, they can have one but don't initiate. Touch is a very critical sense and during a meltdown, those senses are already on overload.
Forgive and Move On
When the aspie has calmed down enough to participate again, please don't hound them with recriminations. You'll want to discuss the incident but give them time to get over it and process what has happened before demanding apologies.
Be a Mentor
When the aspie has calmed down, discuss with them how they felt and what they could do better next time. Ask them what they think they need, what made them feel better and what made them more angry.

We need our young aspies to learn how to deal with meltdowns, and how to recognize and avoid their triggers. After all, there's a big difference between a child's meltdown and an adult one.

You might even like to practice some scenarios and develop some code words so that the aspie can leave the room safely before a situation explodes and without their classmates noticing.

Your advice as a mentor will make a huge difference.

For more information on meltdowns, you might want to read some of my earlier posts on the subject;

Less Confrontational Strategies for Approaching Children with Aspergers Syndrome

2011-10-06T09:42:00.003+11:00

For many people, particularly teachers, the first real experience with Asperger's syndrome comes as part of an intervention in a "situation". After all, aside from odd mannerisms and odd comments, many children with aspergers can appear quiet and non-participative - this can easily be mistaken for shyness.

The real problems begin to surface when an extraordinary event, such as a meltdown or shutdown occurs. Even if no such event occurs, a simple friendly intervention from a teacher can sometimes result in a unexpectedly nasty response.

When such events do occur, they can "sour" the relationship between teacher and child - and sometimes between the parents and school too.

Recovery is a long process of "walking on eggshells" for which most teachers don't have the time or patience,

In this post. I want to look at some of the ways that you can modify your approach to children with aspergers syndrome to reduce those ill effects. I'll be concentrating on an approach under normal conditions, perhaps to encourage participation in an activity. I'll look at approaching an aspie in a meltdown condition in a later post.

Body Language

Before approaching a child with aspergers, take a moment to study their body language. It's true that children with aspergers have a great deal of difficulty expressing themselves non-vebally but in general, their body language can still be read. Most of what you've probably heard about the difficulties of non-verbal aspergers language deals with facial expression. Those bits are true. You can't be sure that the facial expression of an aspergers person is really communicating their feelings.

For example, if the person is grimacing, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're in pain - or frightened. It could mean that they're thinking about something entirely outside the situation, that they're stimming or that they're actually happy. Tears and anger however can usually be trusted to be correct.

Take a careful look at how the child is sitting or standing and watch how they react as you draw nearer. Try to look at things other than their face. For example, are they holding a wall, bannister or some other part of furniture? Are they attempting to withdraw into it? Perhaps they're even hiding under a table. These are clear signs that a normal "front-on" approach will end in disaster.

Approach Carefully

Instead of approaching them front-on, try to approach them gently from the side. If they're under a table or sitting at a desk, it's a great approach to sit beside them - not opposite them. This significantly reduces the issues of eye contact. If possible, reduce yourself to their height to avoid being confrontational.

Don't touch!

Don't sit too close. Aspies usually like their space and especially, don't like a light touch. I had a counseller once ask me if it was ok to touch me on the arm. It was nice to be asked first but I felt like I needed to say "yes". Touch to us usually doesn't convey reassurance. It often simply increases the irritation of tactile stimulii. If you're touching the aspie, chances are, you're doing it for your own benefit/reassurance rather than the aspie.

Converse Carefully

As a general rule, many people with aspergers aren't too concerned with small talk, so there's not a great deal of benefit to be gained from saying "hello" because you're obviously already there and hello is implied by the fact that you just sat down next to them. Of course, if you feel that you need to teach the basics of small-talk or manners, then a couple of conversation starters can be used. Just don't expect a major response.

Many people with aspergers have quite stilted conversation. They may not handle high-speed talk even though they often talk fast themselves. They may also take longer to reply than neurotypicals because they want to think about your question and their answers. As most kids "how long have you been sitting here" and they'll say a "a while". Ask an aspie and they're likely to calculate the time.

Don't rush them. People with aspergers aren't stupid and there's no need to talk super slowly. Just enunciate well and try not to rely on variations in tone so much as content. Be direct too. While people with aspergers have little difficulty understanding metaphors and "sayings", they won't necessarily know when you're using them. If you tell them that you're "going to see a man about a dog", they're going to assume that you're going to a pet shop. Say what you mean and you'll be understood.

Direct Questions are Attacks

If you're approaching a person with aspergers syndrome and they seem agitated, don't sit next to them and start hammering them with questions such as; "Why aren't you playing the game with the other kids?". Try a more oblique approach first. For example, sit down and say; "That looks like a cool game that the kids are playing doesn't it?". The response you get might clue you in to what the problem is; for example, "It looks fun but it's very noisy".

Be Sensitive.

Aspies often have high sensitivity to noise, smell, light and other environmental factors. It isn't fair to force a child with such sensitivities to join in an activity which ignites those senses. If you can find a way to reduce these sensitivities, then great. If not, just accept the situation and wait for a less sensory moment to include the aspie child. Perhaps you can speak to the parents about the sensitivity. For example, if they are sensitive to noise, they may want to try cancelling headphones or perhaps you can find quieter ways to engage the child.

Of course, the reasons for non-participation will vary and it's difficult to decide when the child is simply being lazy or wilful versus an actual sensory issue. The only clue is continued conversation.

If your initial comments don't provide you with an answer, slowly direct the questioning towards the activity without being accusatory. As the child warms to you, you'll find that the information they provide becomes more relevant and useful.

Next time I'll look at ways to approach a child in a meltdown state.

Book Review: "Blazing My Trail: Living and Thriving with Autism" by Rachel B. Cohen-Rottenberg

2011-09-30T07:52:00.004+10:00

"Blazing My Trail: Living and Thriving with Autism" by Rachel B. Cohen-Rottenberg is a "sequel" to "The Uncharted Path" which I reviewed here and followed up here.

When we last left Rachel's story, she had fully accepted her place on the autism spectrum and was making plans to take control of parts of her life. The plans weren't big plans but every long journey begins with small steps.

At times, it feels like an entirely different person has written this book. This Rachel is capable, confident, assertive (without being nearly so argumentive) and full of promise.

Yes, it is a sequel and indeed in the first chapter or two, it feels like you need to have read the first book - but then it all changes and from then on, whenever it references past events, it provides a handy recap.

I feel that the titles of the books were very well chosen, with "The Uncharted Path" being about taking uncertain steps into unknown territory and Blazing My Trail being about running with full confidence along that path and leaving a trail for others to follow.

I get the feeling that Rachel's experience with medications had a lot to do with this positive turn of events and she spends a bit of time talking about their effect. Unlike many people, I'm not a "hater" of medications. I've seen them doing good under the right conditions. Rachel's medications however are a good reminder that regardless of how many second opinions you get, not all drugs are suitable and all must be strictly monitored with specific measurable goals in place. Some types of drugs shouldn't be taken except in the most crucial of situations.

The book provides a lot of practical and ready-to-use advice and insight for adults on the spectrum (and parents of children on the spectrum). In particular, Rachel talks about ways to overcome the sound and spatial sensitivities which are obviously the issues which give her the most trouble. Rachel also covers everyday events such as standing up for your rights as an individual - something that I, and many shy(?) aspies have a great deal of trouble with.

The second half of the book is more of a discussion of "bug bears". Rachel's feelings about the social constructs around the autism community and their perception by the wider community in general.

A lot has changed. The "old" Rachel would have written this aggressively like a lone revolutionary out on a crusade but this "new" Rachel is quietly persuasive, tolerant and altogether more worldly. She is not afraid to change her opinions or to challenge the deep seated beliefs of the wider autism community. The result is some pretty engrossing reading.

I also noticed that Rachel uses the word Aspergers more often than Autism in this book. This was strange because it felt like the word "Aspergers" had been purged from her last volume in favor of Autism. I'm sure there's an interesting story behind the turnaround but sadly it's not covered in the book, though there seem to be some tantalizing hints.

Rachel raises some absolutely brilliant concepts and covers various subjects including abelism. the puzzle piece metaphor, the theory of mind, the perception of "autism as a sickness" and label-grief.

I enjoyed this book even more than the Uncharted Path, mainly I think because of the positive outlook. This is a brilliant book by one of the most individual writers in the autism community which will have you pondering the issues it raises long after you've put it down.

Blazing My Trail is available on Amazon.

Honesty Clause: I was provided with a copy of this book at no charge for review purposes.

Calming Techniques for the Special Needs Child

2011-09-10T16:44:00.003+10:00

This is a "best of the best" article. Check back here after September 15 for more articles by other authors on this topic.

There is a saying about Aspergers which I believe applies equally well to most, if not all, other special needs - to paraphrase; "if you've met one person with special needs, you've met ONE person needs".

Just as all special needs people are different, the calming techniques required are also quite different. Techniques which calm one person may simply infuriate another.

Trial and Error

In this post, I plan to cover a few approaches but the application of these is very much a matter of trial and error. If your actions seem to be worsening a situation then stop and try a different approach.

Getting Attention

No technique is going to work unless you have attention. It doesn't have to be total attention, part attention is fine. Don't forget too that many special needs children have issues with eye contact, so "attention" doesn't necessarily mean "looking at you". In fact holding your hand out wide and saying "look at my hand" can often be more effective. In particular, if your child is holding an object which is causing an issue (Nintendo DS, I'm looking at you) then it's imperative that he puts it down before you try talking to them.

A Calming Influence

When my eldest son goes into a meltdown state, he responds best to a calm voice. I simply repeat reassuring phrases such as "it's alright" and "that's ok" in a quiet calm voice.

He'll usually try to shout over me but I won't engage him in conversation when he's melting down. Conversing with a melting down individuals will only bring insults and hurt which will be regretted later.

Touching

You may be tempted to pat the anxious or otherwise stressed individual on the back or arm. Be very sure before doing this as many individuals on the spectrum have issues with touch. Back off immediately if the child reacts badly and if possible, get them to come to you rather than approaching them. Putting your arms open wide and suggesting that a hug might help is a good way to do this.

If you're dealing with an adult, make sure that you ask them for permission first.

Authority

Some children react better to authority voices than to calm ones. An "authority voice" is always calm and mostly emotionless" but it has a stern edge to it and carries orders. For example; "Put that down - right now".

Some children react to a countdown, "three, two, one" but others will continually wait until the last number or will even worsen their misbehaviour as the countdown progresses knowing that so long as they stop before it ends, they'll be ok.

If your child is doing this, then the countdown method is not working and should be discontinued.

Shouting and Negative Reinforcement

Shouting almost never works unless perhaps your special needs child has a hearing loss. Seriously though, shouting can sometimes make you, the parent, feel better but most of the time it only worsens the issue.

Shouting at children only teaches them that shouting can be used to get others to do what you want. Shouting parents are more likely to have shouting children though of course, shouting behaviours can be learned in the playground too.

I'm not going to say much about violent methods of control here except that fear and violence usually bring the opposite of calm - and when they do produce calm, it's not a good kind of calm.

Following Through

For some parents, calming times are "promise times" and parents will often promise their kids "the earth" for just a little calm.

If you promise your kids something, then follow through and deliver on it - good or bad. If you say "no dessert tonight" then don't give in later. Similarly, if you promise a toy for good behaviour, then you should provide it. Being consistent and predictable will lead to a much calmer life.

One thing to remember though, promise easy and inexpensive things like a walk in the park. It doesn't take much for these promises to become routine and I know parents who have to buy toys and/or sweets everytime they go out shopping.

Relating

When my kids are having a tough time, I'll often talk about my childhood. For example, if they're being bullied, I'll talk about when I was bullied at school. It's important to keep things positive but you shouldn't try to make out that things were tougher "in your day" or that you were a hero.

The object of the conversation is to relate - not make your kids feel more inadequate.

Comedic Performances

For the most part, reacting with humour to any meltdown, anxiety or stress event is a big "no no". While these outbursts may look like simple temper or "cry-baby" issues, the fears, anxieties and reactions of special needs children are very real to them. Not only is it impolite to laugh but it's also damaging to a child's self-esteem to reduce their issues to comedy. It is never ok to laugh at these children.

Of course, there are occasions during panic attacks and meltdowns where a bit of impromptu comedy can work wonders. In particular, where a distraction is needed to prevent fears from building up. For example, while waiting in a queue at an amusement park.

Out of Sight

If an object or a person is driving an issue, then it's important to get them/it out of sight as quickly as possible. If the child is having an issue with a computer game, then simply talking to them with the game playing in the background isn't going to help matters. Get them out of the house and onto outdoor play equipment. If their issue isn't staring them in the face, they'll get over it more quickly.

Keeping things out of sight is particularly important where meltdowns are concerned. I find, as an adult that if I'm overly stressed, the best thing to do is to be alone. If the child is too distressed to go into their room then it helps if those around him retreat to another area (or at least avoid looking at the him).

Changing Plans

Don't be afraid to change plans. My eldest son recently went on a caves tour which ended in a boat ride. He became agitated about riding in a boat in the dark and refused to board. We changed plans to allow him to walk back through the caves with a guide. As a parent, you need to pick your battles. Sometimes you can convince a child to conquer their fears - and sometimes you can't. When you can't, you change the plan.

Being Prepared

My last point is simply to be prepared. Try to see the danger signs before your child begins to stress out about them. If you can jump in and defuse the potential situation before it escalates into one, then you'll have saved everyone a great deal of trouble. For example, when eating at a friend's house, consider asking the friend to let you prepare your child's plate. That way you can ensure that it only has the things that they'll eat on it - and you can make sure that no foods are touching each other.

Being prepared is probably the best form of avoidance.

Answers to some Questions on Cyberbullying

2011-08-13T08:23:00.002+10:00

A friend is doing a talk on Cyberbullying and asked for some suggestions. Unfortunately I'm not the sort of person who can write "just a little" and as it turns out, my response is too long for Facebook. As such, I've decided to "post here and link there". In any case, she may find your own comments/responses to be better than my original statements;

So here are the Questions;

When does freedom of speech cross over to cyberbullying?
What productive strategies have you used when encountering online bullying?
Parents/Teachers: Do your school districts have a cyberbullying policy or guidelines which they enforce?
Psychologists/Therapists: How serious can this kind of trauma be to individuals enduring online attacks?

When does freedom of speech cross over to cyberbullying?

For many people, this threshold is reached shortly after the person being attacked starts complaining. For people on the spectrum however, this threshold may be reached quite some time before they even notice that they're being attacked.

People on the autism spectrum can be extremely naieve and will sometimes not see the difference between a "friendly joke" and an attack. By the time they realise that they're being attacked, the damage is usually already done.

What positive strategies have you used when encountering online bullying?

There are four main responses and I feel that all of them are valid, often in conjuntion with each other;

Regulation
Blocking
Positive Propaganda
Counselling

Regulation; All systems, societies etc have at least some form of legal protection against harmful activities. Most of these exist primarily to protect the system itself (ie: The school system, the Facebook system etc). That doesn't mean that you can't lean on their legality in the fight against bullying.

Just like normal bullying, you should not let cyberbullying be ignored. You must "stand up to the bullies". One way to do this in the cyberworld is to ensure that the bullies are made aware that they are in breach of regulations. If that means posting a legal warning notice on their facebook page for all to see, then so be it. Perhaps their friends will talk some sense into them.

It's very important for victims of cyberbullying to stay on the correct side of the law. Don't attempt to abuse or bully back. Stay calm and stay legal. Here's a sample message you could use with facebook;

You are being placed on formal notice that your online behavior towards constitutes a violation of Facebook's anti-bullying behavior and will not be tolerated.

If you continue this behavior, the authorities will be notified and legal steps will be taken.

By doing this, you've alerted the person (and their friends to the cyberbullying issue). You've given them fair warning and you're now in a much better legal position (even if they delete the message).

Also, don't forget to register with your service's anti-bullying support page and do a search on Facebook - there are plenty of anti-bulling groups on there too who are very willing to help.

Blocking; Most systems these days have an unfriending or blocking service. Use it to block those bullies out of your life. In real life, you wouldn't hang around the same areas that your bully does - so don't do it online.

Positive Propaganda; The internet is forever. You can't erase part mistakes but you can rise above them. Find positive things about your life and post them. They may not necessarily overtake the negative but they can cetainly change the tide.

Here's an example; You should remember the Star Wars kid, one of the most famous viral videos on the internet. If not, go to youtube and search for Star Wars Kid to see all the different versions of his video. It doesn't matter how many times the videos are taken down, they just keep popping up again. This poor boy spent a while in a psychiatric ward after this issue but he's now a lawyer - Google: "star wars kid lawyer" to see positive propaganda in action - his "good news" is mentioned on several sites.

Counselling; Everyone who has been through a difficult experience needs counselling. In some cases, good counselling could have made the difference between life and death. Even if your child isn't showing obvious signs of reacting to a bad bullying experience, why take the risk? Send them off to counselling (and parents, don't go with them). Let them get it out of their system and learn their own strategies for dealing with it.

Parents/Teachers: Do your school districts have a cyberbullying policy or guidelines which they enforce?

Like all systems, schools and districts have cyberbullying policies. Unfortunately, they're in place for their own legal protection - not really for the protection of students.

My son's school has every student sign an anti-bullying policy. This is great legal stuff but when a friend was badly cyberbullied, the school did nothing. When it eventually became a police matter, the school was forced to act on their policies. Don't wait for things to become bad. If local cyberbullying occurs, alert the local police.

Psychologists/Therapists: How serious can this kind of trauma be to individuals enduring online attacks?

Every single bit of online (or otherwise) bullying is doing damage. We've all heard about students who snap and take their own lives - or those of their fellow students. These are the stories which get the real publicity.

For every real case of fatal violence, there are hundreds of other cases of kids taking weapons to school (arguably for self-protection). Each of those incidents only needs the right conditions to turn from precautionary to fatal.

Then there are the kids who self harm and the kids who take their bullying experience and internalize them only to bring them out in agressive episodes (often directed at their own children) in later life.

Every single instance of bullying has the potential to be a life-damaging experience.

The Value of Special Needs Therapy

2011-08-13T07:38:00.003+10:00

This post is part of Best of the Best, Edition 9: Special Needs Therapy. If you check the above link from August 14 onwards, you'll find a whole host of similar articles by other authors.

Introduction

I'm presuming that most people will be writing from the point of view of parenting their own children. I could do that. My children have been through speech and occupational therapy (both of which were excellent), listening therapy (which quite frankly I found unhelpful) and a couple of other formal therapies. They've also had plenty of chances for informal therapy - did you know that simply owning a dog can be theraputic too?

As usual though, I'm going to try to be different. I want to talk about what it's like going through therapy and how it helps.

Speech Therapy

When I was a child, I went through a couple of different types of therapy with the two biggies being speech and occupational therapy. I wasn't diagnosed with aspergers then but simply had a hearing loss (speech therapy) and was somehow recognised as "different" (occupational therapy).

I don't remember a huge amount about the speech therapy because most of it happeneed in my very early years but I can tell you that without it, I'd be a very different person.

The speech therapy got me enunciating my words correctly and gave me the opportunity to participate in discussions. In later sessions, they tried to work on my flat tone to give it more of an emotional base. Unfortunately, my parents like most other parents - even today, didn't have the money to continue the therapy once I could talk normally so I didn't get enough lessons on tone.

I've tried for most of my adult life to get my tone working better. Even before aspergers, I knew that there was something flat about my tone. If I'm reading a book to someone, my words and tone are exaggerated but in normal speech, it still falls quite flat. I think that permanent tone adjustment really needs to happen when you're very young.

Occupational Therapy

I'm not entirely sure how and when my mother twigged that I was different but as a parent, I know that mothers develop a sense about these things usually between the ages of two to five. In my case, the realisation may have been early but the occupational therapy came much later.

I remember coming home from school only to have to go to a lady at our local hospital. She would put me through a series of fun exercises (which my sister longed to do but wasn't allowed). I'm sure that the exclusivity of these exercises was part of the attraction for me. The exercises included walking along a rope on the floor, swinging, climbing, crawling through tunnels, skipping and stretching exercises.

The therapist would do all of these exercises with me. It was like having my own adult playmate - something that I loved because I really didn't have a lot of friends back then.

It was all quite different from the subdued occupational therapy that I see my kids doing today but perhaps, being at the hospital, my therapist was just so much better set up in terms of funding and equipment.

It wasn't until years later that I realised just how important and beneficial that therapy had been. Obviously I had been recognised as having low muscle tone, motor control problems and balance problems - all things which affect children on the autism spectrum today. My therapy gave me the tools and confidence to take those beginnings and to press on with unofficial therapy in the playground.

In other words, I learned how to climb, play and balance on play equipment in the park. Doing this on weekends helped me to build up core body strength and overcome some of my natural weaknesses.

There's just no underestimating the value of good therapy.

Book Review: Active Imagination Activity Book by Kelly Tilley

2011-08-11T14:08:00.005+10:00

Active Imagination Activity Book

50 Sensorimotor Activities to improve focus, attention, strength and co-ordination

Kelly Tilley. MCISc. OTR/L

Published by Sensory World

There are all kinds of different therapies for children on the autism spectrum but in my opinion, two stand out head and shoulders above the rest; Speech Therapy and Occupational Therapy. Both of these are expensive and even with government support, it's unusual for parents to be able to continue beyond one or two terms at a time.

You won't become an occupational therapist simply by using this book but you will learn a lot of fun and simple techniques to achieve many of the same things that occupational therapists work toward.

This book is intended for use with children and adults who need help with attention, calming down and energizing but I can see that it will also provide a lot of benefit for people with poor co-ordination and/or low muscle tone - two things which affect many people on the autism spectrum.

The Book

The book itself is spiral bound and set up so that it can be folded to "self-display". This is a really useful feature for this type of book.

Even better, the pages are all plasticised which not only provides better protection but also keeps them shiny and bright. In fact, these pages are so shiny and bright that they "leap out at you". The great use of colour makes this a fun book to use.

Page Layout

Each page has coloured tabs at the bottom which tell you which of the four categories a given exercise belongs to. Usually they belong to more than one;

Energizing
Upper-Body Strengthening
Core-Body Strengthening
Calming

It's all quite subtle and I missed it at first assuming that it was part of the page design but it's a very useful set of criteria. You'll want to use particular types of exercises with your child at different times during the day.

There is also at least one or two very relevant illustrations on each page. If an activity is "complicated", then multiple postures are shown.

The activities are all described in a few simple sentences which means that even the kids can self-pace themselves through activities.

The Activities

The activities all have great names, like "The hot dog", "Cotton candy" and "daddy long legs" and they're all quite achievable and look like a lot of fun.

The activities sensibly avoid any major equipment requirements and if you've got floor space, little bean bags (or something else, like tennis balls or balloons), then you've really got what you need to do most of the activities.

In Short

This is an extremely well thought-out, well laid-out book which contains 50 very relevant and easy (and did I say fun!) exercises for children and adults. If you're an occupational therapist - there's absolutely no excuse to not have this book - it really is that good.

If you're the parent of a child with special needs, or if you're an adult with sensory or muscular difficulties, then this is the best way to address them at home.

Finally, if you're a teacher, particularly a physical education teacher at a primary/elementary school or kindergarten or if you interact with groups of children in other ways and settings, then this book will come in very handy. As for myself, I'll be taking this one off to Joey and Cub Scouts.

The "Active Imagination Activity Book: 50 Sensorimotor Activities to improve focus, attention, strength and co-ordination" by Kelly Tilley. MCISc. OTR/L is available from Amazon and other good book retailers.

Honesty Clause: I was provided with a review copy of this book at no charge.

Temple Grandin's three types of Thinkers in Autism

2011-08-03T22:08:00.003+10:00

I've looked at a lot of Aspergers theory over the years and while I agree with some of it, I find that I disagree with other bits. One theory that I really like is Temple Grandin's observations on the three different types of thinkers;

Temple claims that there are three types of thinkers in Autism and while people don't exclusively belong in a single group, they usually lean towards one set of patterns more than the others.

Temple's three types are;

Visual
Music/Maths
Verbal

Visual Thinkers

The idea is that the visual thinkers are those who need to "see" things in order to understand them. They're more likely to draw a picture or build an object when trying to work out a problem. Temple herself seems to be a visual thinker, her photographic memory clearly supports the idea.

Young visual thinkers tend to be keen on building blocks such as lego and possibly on woodwork or other craft projects.

Music and Mathematical Thinkers

These types of thinkers find patterns in everything. In fact, I'm surprised that Temple didn't refer to them simply as "pattern thinkers". They could be very good at music or mathematics, both of which are full of patterns. Of course, they might be good at one and not the other.

Verbal Thinkers

These are the thinkers who like words and speech. They love to make lists and will often memorize things such as train timetables & routes, stories in alphabetical order and even mundane things like software product codes. There doesn't need to be a pattern, there just needs to be words.

Finding a Home

In thinking about Temple's theories, I naturally felt the urge to try to find my place. It was difficult at first because I felt that I fell across all three types. I'm very visual and will often draw during lectures rather than take notes because I can look at my drawings and remember what was being said while I was drawing a particular thing.

I'm also quite pattern-centric and I find patterns everywhere. I try to resist putting things in order but I can't quite help myself and will often sort Books or DVDs into their correct order - even in a shop. It's embarrassing and I try to be discreet but I sometimes have trouble breaking out of chaos.

In the end, I looked at my writing, my books, my word-for-word recall of conversations (and things I've read) and the fact that I have several lists, literally hundreds, in storage on my computer which I refer to regularly. I'm obviously primarily a verbal thinker.

Why does this all matter?

I know that some people are already thinking, "No, not another label!", people are individuals and they're right of course. People really are individuals and as the saying goes, "If you've met one person on the autism spectrum, then you've met ONE person on the autism spectrum".

That's all well and good and it's nice to play the politically correct card every so often but the fact is that this label could be quite helpful. You see, as parents and teachers, we want our children to learn. Understanding that there are three major types of learning and that a child may lean more towards one than the others is important. It helps us to choose the most effective teaching patterns for a given child.

For example, a visual learner will get the best results from history lessons if they watch Historical Movies, they'll do best at reading if the words and their meanings are shown to them and they'll do well in mathematics problems like geometry where shapes are involved but won't do so well on abstract theory. Color coding things will also help pattern learners as will labelled Polaroid shots.

Pattern learners are more likely to excel in mathematics problems for which there is an established pattern. This includes multiplication tables and algebraic formulae. Their history lessons could probably benefit from a layer of abstraction and perhaps they would do best to examine the similarities and differences between similarly aged civilizations. Other good patterns occur in Science and language structure.

The verbal learners will handle prose much better than the other types of learners. They may be more able to deal with prose based mathematics questions, will be able to memorize lists such as the periodic table of elements and may find that rote learning works better for them.

Figuring out your child's preferred learning types could enable you to better address their academic needs.

Book Review: Songames for Sensory Processing by Aubrey Lande. MS, OTR, Bob Wiz, Lois Hickman

2011-07-24T09:10:00.004+10:00

Songames for Sensory Processing: 25 Therapist-Created Musical Activities for Improving Fine and Gross Motor Skills, Muscle Strength & Rhythmicity.

by Aubrey Lande. MS, OTR, Bob Wiz, Lois Hickman & Friends.

It's no secret that music can provide excellent therapy for children with special needs and this book is designed to support teachers and therapists in that endeavor.

At eighty pages, it's a short book but it covers a lot of ground. It's colourful and full of pictures of happy kids - and it comes with two CDs with 25 "songs" on them.

The book is divided into five "circle forms" which despite a page and half of explanation, seem to be just "broad topic areas" to me.

Balance Circle Form
Message Circle Form
Bob's Circle Form
Lori's Circle Form
Aubrey's Circle Form

The songs on the CDs are all good and very professionally done and the book contains their lyrics and suggestions for their actions. In fact, the musical element of the book was far better quality than I was expecting.

Unfortunately, I found that because I wasn't personally familiar with the activities, The book didn't provide enough direction for me to do any. All of the pictures in the book are of kids enjoying themselves doing other things but there's nothing to show the activity itself.

By way of example, the Musical Chairs game (with which I am very familiar) has a picture of a blue chair on pink background. That's it. The picture tells me nothing. The text is all about variations on the game - all exciting stuff but it doesn't actually tell people how to play the game.

I also think that I would have expected the book to be full of "warnings" about how to gently introduce music to children with sensory needs but I really didn't see any.

If you are a therapist or teacher and you're familiar with the games but need ideas for sensory-friendly variations, then this book provides some great ideas and good music. If you don't know the games however, this book won't teach you any.

Songames for Sensory Processing: 25 Therapist-Created Musical Activities for Improving Fine and Gross Motor Skills, Muscle Strength & Rhythmicity is available on Amazon.

Honesty Clause: I was provided with a review copy of this book at no charge.

Empathy and Perceived Empathy

2011-07-17T08:49:00.002+10:00

Yes, it's another "empathy post". I'm sorry if you're getting sick of them. I'll be on a different topic soon.

Today I just wanted to say a few words about the perception of empathy.

Right now, my mother is in hospital. Her hospitalisation was sudden and unexpected but she is ok. I've checked. I've received an email from my father and my wife rang him later during the day.

I'm happily convinced that everything is fine and that for the immediate future her main priority should be rest.

She lives too far away for a "quick visit" and I haven't contacted her directly yet. Unless I hear of changes in her condition, I'm best off giving her time to heal.

No doubt once she comes out she'll rouse on me for not having gone to panic stations and talked to her directly. The thing is that I can't do anything and chances are that I'll end up calling during her nap time.

Does that make me less empathetic?

Some would say yes but I think that sometimes I put more thought into the physical well-being of people than I do towards self-serving information gathering exercises.

It doesn't mean that I'm not worried or that I don't care.

The perception of this empathy by others however is different altogether. Other people think that unless I'm waking her up and asking her how she is, then I don't care. She has doctors and nurses doing that already - and I've spoken to them. They're better qualified to give me a rundown on her condition.

Addendum: I wrote this post a few days ago but have been too busy to post it. I've since spoken to my mother a couple of times and she's home and getting better.

Overcoming Sleep Issues

2011-07-11T13:03:00.004+10:00

The is post is part of Best of the Best, Edition 8: Sleep Issues & Bedtime and Special Needs Kids. If you check the above link on about July 14, you'll find a whole host of similar articles by other authors.

Sleep issues are very common for children and adults with Aspergers Sydnrome. I've talked about these before but last time it was a bit of a "scientific" post. This time, I want to be more practical. I want to look at why children with Aspergers Syndrome and Autism have sleep difficulties and what you as parents can do to improve their sleep.

Some Reasons for Sleep Issues

First of all, I want to look at some reasons why sleep may be difficult for children (and adults) with aspergers sydnrome;

The Sleep Ritual

Like many aspergers activities, sleep is a matter of ritual. If you get the ritual wrong, or out of order, then sleep can become much more difficult. The aspie can stress over the ritual instead of sleeping. A case in point is my youngest son (7.5). One part of his ritual concerns dessert and should a parent send him to bed without any, trouble is sure to follow.

My wife will often say; "You don't have dessert every night" but that's not true. In his mind, it's an accepted part of the ritual. In his mind, he DOES have dessert every night. Though at least we've mandated "eating your dinner" first. If we break this ritual, he will stress over the lack of dessert. It might seem like a small thing but it's enough to keep him awake.

This puts us into a positive parenting dilemma. Is giving him dessert really "giving in" to him? Sometimes it is but sometimes it's just a case of picking your battles. Is dessert unhealthy? Are we encouraging unhealthy rituals? Perhaps... but then, maybe if we could come up with a healthier dessert, such as fruit, it would be less of a problem. In any case, a small dessert is not as unhealthy as lack of sleep.

Constant Thinking (No brain quiet)

Aspies have a lot of trouble calming their brains. We tend to think over things, solve problems and allow our minds to wander into excessive detail on our special interests. When I was younger, I'd lie in bed and code computer programs. I'd wake up in the morning with reams of code and amazing solutions in my head but I'd suffer from lack of sleep. Talking to my older son (10.5), he designs lego creations in his head while he's attempting to fall asleep. Of course it's obvious - if you're using that much brainpower, you're not going to fall asleep. Aspie brains tend to seize quiet time and use it to its full potential.

If this is your issue, then you need to find a way of removing that quiet time. Have your child do a regular activity when going to bed. It needs to be something which can occupy their thoughts but must be in one direction only (ie: computer games are out). Watching television in bed is one option, though it's probably not the best habit. Listening to quiet music or audio books is better and reading books or comics is best of all.

If your child is concentrating on the story, they won't be stewing over other things. There's a good chance that they will fall asleep while reading. That's good. At least they've fallen asleep.

Reviewing

Even when aspies aren't actually dreaming up new concepts, they're busy reviewing the events and conundrums of the day. Some aspies are word-based, some are picture-based and some, like me, tend to be more events-based. I find that I play back whole conversations over and over again looking for hidden meanings, gestures, tones etc. All of the stuff that I didn't notice during the actual conversation. After all, I did "take it all in". I just couldn't process it during the conversation. Word and picture based aspies will also tend to review their day using their preferred mental facilities.

Again, the solution for this problem is to remove the quiet time. Don't let your aspie use sleep-time to reflect on their day. Give them a certain time for that before bed but make sure that once they're in bed, they are mentally occupied.

Compounding the problem

It's clear that sleep is a problem for people with aspergers on normal days but there are a few things which can really compound the problem;

Extraordinary Stress

A stressed child will find sleep even more difficult. Lots of things can cause stress, deviation from routine, sensory issues and day-to-day problems. You need to communicate with your child regularly to find what things stress them out.

Social Problems

The more social problems a person has, the more time they'll need to spend reviewing their day. Sometimes it's better as a parent to spend some time before bed putting their social problems to rest. Then, when it's time for them to sleep, distract them with a book.

Medications

Many stimulant medications (most notably ritalin/concerta) have side effects which reduce the patient's ability to sleep. If the medication is still active in a child's body, it will prevent sleep. Check the dose and the time it takes to wear off. If you've given your child a tablet later than usual, don't expect them to fall asleep at the normal time. In fact, if the medication is still in your child's body, don't send them to bed. You'll only make the bedroom into a place of frustration.

You can counter these medications with a natural product called Melatonin but don't automatically assume that "natural" means safe. Melatonin can cause irritability and may have other side-effects too.

Food

There are lots of side effects from food including allergies and discomfort. Some foods such as chocolate and soft drinks have a stimulant effect which keeps kids awake and some foods, particularly those which are high in carbohydrates will cause the body to spend the night processing it rather than relaxing.

The evening meal should really be consumed about four hours before bedtime but today's busy lifestyle means that it's often only a matter of minutes between the meal and sleep. Don't forget too that lying down after a big meal can create reflux problems (and the acid in reflux can damage a child's teeth while they are asleep).

Comfort

Children with Aspergers Syndrome often cite discomfort as a barrier to sleep. This can be a matter of temperature regulation or of difficulty getting comfortable due to bed linen. For example, most people love the feel of freshly laundered linen but many aspies will find the clean linen to be too "scratchy". Sometimes it's to do with the fabric softener you use and sometimes it's to do with specific scents within your detergent.

Distractions

Make sure that your child's room is free of distractions. Ideally, close the blinds against lights, remove toys and make the rest of the house reasonably quiet but not silent. Make sure that your child can't see the television from their doorway. In our case, we have to check the drawers of my son's bedside table regularly because he likes to sneak toys up into his room. If a distraction is present, your children will take advantage of it rather than sleep. Don't forget to check the stuffed animals in the bed as many modern toys will talk, laugh and writhe.

Anxiety and nightmares

Sometimes children won't sleep due to anxiety or nightmares. You might think that you're doing them a favour by not letting them watch scary television shows but you'll find that kids will quickly find alternative things to be scared of. Instead of dracula, they'll be scared of the count on Sesame street. Instead of some space alien, it will be the "spider in my room". Anxious children will always find something to be anxious about so instead of trying to block every experience from their sight, start trying to teach them about liklihood (how likely is it that a bad spider could get up here) and fiction (these things aren't real).

My mother always told me that a nightmare was just my body trying to wake me up to go to the toilet. I found that once I accepted this, I became much less disturbed. If all else fails, remember that you can provide younger children with night-lights and older children with lamps. My own nightmares mostly stopped once I had a bed lamp that I could turn on at any time to dispell the dark.

Things to do?

I've been dropping specific hints throughout this post but here are a few more general things you can try.

Return to Sender....

I think that most people are familiar with the supernanny's tactics and sometimes they work really well. It's always worth trying her tactics at the start of a new set of sleep issues, just to make sure that the issue is inability to sleep rather than sheer wilfulness.

Once you've figured out that your child can't rather than won't sleep, it's time to retire those supernanny tactics otherwise you'll start to exacerbate the bedroom issues. Instead of sleep, consider giving your child a chance to do some low thinking things (reading again). You might consider letting your child out of bed for a while too because sitting in a bed reading will make the bed linen feel too hot and could exacerbate any sensory issues.

Don't be tempted to lock your child's door (though many parents, myself included) will still try it. This won't help your child and may increase their sleep anxiety or simply, as was the case with us, result in the need to purchase a new door. We were certainly surprised that our child could throw things hard enough to put holes in the door.

Quiet before bed

It might seem like a no-brainer but having kids run around excitedly just before bed doesn't actually help them to sleep. It's a pity because "just before bed" is usually "dad time". It's the time when the "big toy" comes home from work and wants to play with the kids.

It's a shame to cut this time out because it's important bonding time so instead, make "dad time" an early priority. Dads should come home, and rumble with the kids for at least 30 minutes, then transition to slower and gentler play.

It's hard because mothers really want some "dad-time" of their own but if you can just get the kids out of the way first, you'll increase your chances.

The same goes for storybook time. Some dads like me are quite animated storytellers and give their characters all manner of accents and sound effects. This is fine but sometimes it stirs the kids up. If you can at least make rules to prevent your children from jumping around during storytime, you'll be able to make the story exciting without the consequences.

Barriers to Empathy

2011-07-08T10:57:00.002+10:00

In case you haven't noticed, I'd like to draw your attention to an exciting new blog started by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg (of Journeys with Autism) called Autism and Empathy.

I think this blog is going to be a great boon to the empathy debate and it's well worth bookmarking/following.

Autism and Empathy

http://www.autismandempathy.com/

I was reading a post there today and started a reply which (as is usual for me) got a bit too long. In any case, my fat fingers hit a wrong key and my comment disappeared, so rather that attempt to retype it there, I've decided to expand it and post it here.

The post I was responding to is called

Possessing But Not Expressing

http://www.autismandempathy.com/?p=98

It's written by Miranda (from Inside the Heart)

It might be worth reading before you read my response.

---

Miranda talks about how people with autism are often considered to "lack empathy" when what is really lacking is simply the "expected kind of expression".

People express emotion in various ways but people on the autism spectrum are often have characteristics which make interpretation of their expressions difficult. Here are three obvious ones;

A monotone: A voice which in itself sometimes lacks the range of tones that others posess. That's not to suggest that people on the spectrum can't manage tones. They can. They make excellent actors, singers and readers. It's just that when they're in day-to-day conversation, they can't concentrate on everything at once and often variations in tone is one of the casualties.
Facial Expression Difficulties: For example; Some people on the spectrum will grimace instead of smiling. To an NT this indicates pain rather than happiness. Conversely, many will smile when in pain.
Sensory Issues: If touch is a sensory problem, then someone on the spectrum may not give hugs at times when they are most needed. In fact, when a person on the spectrum is in pain, often the thing they crave the most is to be left alone. This is (apparently) the opposite of what many NTs want at these times.

I could probably write a whole post on just those three points but I'm trying to stay on topic.

Miranda's points about posessing without expressing are great. Many people on the spectrum will feel empathy without being able to show that they can feel it.

Of course, playing devil's advocate here, I have to admit that there are some times when they don't feel it - and that's the point of this post.

Three's a good number, so again, I've identified three of those times;

1. When they can't interpret the expression

This is arguably the number one reason why people on the spectrum sometimes don't feel empathy. They don't know that there is a strong emotion present.

Just as our facial expressions and body language are often indecipherable to neurotypicals, so too, theirs is often a mystery to us.

Sure... when someone is crying, it's a no-brainer to say that they're sad. (I'm ignoring tears of happiness). Not everyone cries. Sometimes people have a "sad look" on their face. Sometimes they just interact less. People on the spectrum often interact less when they're pursuing their special interest. How exactly are we supposed to interpret this as sadness?

Then there's the "laughing on the outside while crying on the inside" reaction. I can't even go there. Just take my word for it. It exists, people do it. NT's somehow pick up on it but it's a total mystery to me. Crying = Sad and Laughing = Happy. That's the end of the cues for me.

2. When they really don't have any emotion

I'd love to skip this one and pretend that it doesn't exist but the fact is that I've spoken to many people who claim to have no feelings most of the time. Some of them are on the spectrum but I don't believe that this is a characteristic of the autism spectrum.

There are other words used to describe these states; Sociopaths for instance. I doubt that these people are truly emotionless but the fact remains that there are people for whom emotion is rare. Obviously if they don't feel emotion for themselves, how are they going to feel emotion for others (empathy)?

This brings me to an interesting side note:

Suppose that one of these emotionless people (a sociopath?) has an accident. Perhaps their pet dies. By definition, they feel no emotion about the event. For the moment, we'll just assume that this is all true.

Now suppose that a neurotypical person comes along and this person has no idea that the sociopath does not feel any emotion. If the NT finds out about the pet, they're going to feel "empathy" for the sociopath but this isn't true empathy. The NT will feel sadness and loss which isn't the same as what the sociopath is feeling.

Is it wrong?

How is NT empathy "better" than aspie empathy here? The NT has projected their own feelings onto the situation - clearly ignoring the real feelings of the pet owner.

Think about an embarrassing situation, where someone falls over or has a clothing malfunction. Perhaps I'm thinking about the guy who fell off the back of the titanic in James Cameron's movie and hit the propeller with a hilarious metallic "thunk". The aspie is clearly feeling an emotion here... humour... it might not be the same as the emotion they're supposed to feel but is projecting the wrong emotion still ... empathy?

I'll leave that for my readers to decide...

I raise this point because I find that NTs can often find empathy in a situation but personally, I need the other person to clearly show me that they have an emotion before I can empathize.

3. When the Emotion cannot be related to

This was my original point (the rest of this post grew around it).

Miranda's opening paragraph talks about her relating to embarrassment;

"If I see a person do something embarrassing, even if I don’t know them, I can still feel their embarrassment radiating off of them. Emotions just radiate from others and become my own, most of the time I don’t know the reason for their feelings. I just feel them."

I've had a lot of awkward moments in my life. Seriously. I'd be happy to talk about them. I'm not embarrassed, ashamed or whatever. My "skin" is tough and my self esteem is high enough these days to crush any feelings of embarrassment because I accept who I am - klutz and all.

I have no understanding of embarrassment and I really can't relate to the concept.

There are a whole load of emotions I can relate to and empathize with but embarrassment simply isn't one of them. Do something embarrassing in front of me and I won't empathize with your embarrassment but I will project my "amused" empathy onto you. Of course, if you react by crying, then I can share your sadness - even if I don't exactly understand what caused it.

Article: "The Science of Autism and Orgasm" by LinZ

2011-07-07T15:29:00.002+10:00

Adults on the spectrum: I just want to draw your attention to an article which looks at whether orgams are different for people on the spectrum.

The Science of Autism and Orgasm

by Lindsey Nebeker

http://nakedbrainink.com/2642/science-autism-orgasm/

and it's on the Naked Brain Inc. Blog

It's about four (short) pages long so when you get to the end of the page, make sure that you click on 2 to move to the next page.

If you want to view the article in total without the page turning, you can view it here;

http://thinkingautismguide.blogspot.com/2011/07/autism-and-orgasm.html

on the Thinking Person's Guide to Autism blog. (This was actually where I found it).

I'm not going to spend a lot of time commenting on the article because it's well written and considered. It doesn't pick one side or another but simply looks at the cases for and against. It's already balanced.

I will point out however that while orgasms themselves may not be different, it's entirely conceivable that the people involved may experience difficulties if they are on the spectrum due to sensory issues. Remember that many people on the spectrum have major sensory issues. Tripping them would be enough to break anyone's concentration.

The article does actually mention this but I figured it was still worth a highlight.

Book Review: "The Screaming Stone" by J. P. Osterman

2011-07-04T10:39:00.002+10:00

It's not often that I get to review fiction on this blog and it's the first time that I've been able to review young adult fiction.

From the title, you'd think that the screaming stone is a fantasy novel but its not. Although there is some talk of mythology, the main events of the book are firmly rooted in reality. It's a mystery and adventure novel with only the slightest hint of fantasy.

I found the writing style to be quite different from the breezy style of J K Rowling but J P Osterman has a long history as an English and writing teacher. She seems to have pitched the book at the early teen and older readers. At about 300 pages, the book isn't overly long and a lot happens within its pages.

While this is a mystery/adventure novel, it's a long way from the formula fiction one usually finds in young adult books on this subject such as The Three Investigators, Trixie Beldon, The Hardy Boys and Encyclopedia Brown. This is good because although I'm not against formula fiction which is great for fledgling readers, it does tend to restrict the learning of older readers. The events in the screaming stone are far less predictable and the characters are "multi-dimensional and real. It's an obvious choice for reading development in kids who enjoy mystery fiction.

The story is set in sixties America and it's mainly about two children in difficult home settings who embark on a treasure hunt through their family's past. There are lots of bits of Irish mythology and the Civil War. Being set in the days before everyone had mobile phones, GPS and the internet means that the mystery can be sustained for longer.

J P Osterman seems to have taken quite a bit of her past and put it in the story. I get the feeling the main character, Marcie, is so well drawn because she really is the author at 13.

I suppose that you're wondering why this review belongs on this blog? The character of Robbie very clearly has Aspergers syndrome. It's never explicitly stated in the book but his behaviour is obvious. He has obsessions, routines which need to be followed and at one point he even has a meltdown. Of course, Aspergers was not a diagnosed condition in the sixties and Robbie receives the sort of treatment provided to aspies in the day. In that sense, it's hard reading about a character who is misunderstood by everyone around him. Given today's tolerance and intervention, Robbie's life would have been so much easier.

Author J P osterman is no stranger to Autism and Aspergers Syndrome with two children on the spectrum. It is nice to see that she doesn't feel the need to label Robbie but simply takes him as an individual and describes him as he is. It is us, the readers, who put the label on him.

At the end of the day, its hard to say what makes the screaming stone so fascinating. Is it the mystery itself or the background and behaviour of the characters? I guess the appeal will depend upon your age and experience. Younger readers will be drawn to the mystery while older readers will find the character study more fascinating.

I'd recommend the screaming stone to the more competent readers in your family (aged 13 and upwards). It's not just a young adult book, there's a great deal in there for us "older" adults too.

The screaming stone is a great addition to the mystery genre for young adults and should effectively bridge the gap between formula fiction and adult novels.

You can read more about J. P. Osterman's other works here; http://www.jposterman.com/

You can buy the Screaming Stone from various outlets including "Infinity Publishing".

Honesty Clause: I was provided with an advance reader copy of The Screaming Stone at no cost for review purposes.

Movie Review: Temple Grandin (2010)

2011-06-30T10:33:00.005+10:00

Links: IMDB / Rotten Tomatoes: Rating 100%

Director: Mick Jackson

Starring: Claire Danes, Julia Ormond, David Strathairn, Catherine O'Hara and Stephanie Faracy

I'd been avoiding Temple Grandin until about a month ago when I was asked to review the latest edition of her excellent book. Temple is arguably the foremost authority on Autism and Aspergers in the world - and as such, I guess that she's the "spoiler queen".

I guess I approached the Temple Grandin movie expecting a typical Hollywood sob story. I certainly wasn't expecting the depth of concept and directness of story that I got. This is a movie that tries to take the viewer and put them in an autistic person's shoes.

In this endeavor, the movie largely succeeds. When Temple walks into a room, we know what scares her. We hear the sounds which overwhelm her and we see the images which flash before her eyes. Her motivations are clear to us and parents of children on the spectrum may find themselves looking at their children's behavior through new eyes. You'll be thinking about the movie long after it ends.

Claire Danes has done an excellent job and is completely unrecognisable as the girl from Romeo+Juliet or Terminator 3. In this film, she IS Temple. She has the voice, the mannerisms and look and the walk. It's an impressive and brave performance which takes the viewer far from the glitz of her previous work.

The story starts more or less as Temple leaves school. It covers some of her early life via flashbacks and moves forward only a few years with only glimpses of the future. This makes for a strong and coherent narrative but in some ways it's also a missed opportunity. I'd have loved to have seen more of Temple's childhood and in particular the ways in which she overcame her inability to speak.

Some of the most amazing parts of this movie document the impact
that her mentor, Dr. Carlock had on her life.

Ultimately, like Temple's real life, this is a story about being the best that you can be, about bravery in the face of adversity and the power of positive parenting.

Everyone with any connection to autism simply must watch this film. It's an inspiration not only to parents and to people on the spectrum but also to teachers. It clearly demonstrates the power that positive teachers and mentors have to inspire and to change lives.

Temple Grandin (2010) is available from Amazon and other good movie retailers.

The real Temple Grandin meets Claire Danes

Honesty clause - I wasn't asked to review this movie but chose to get it, watch it and review it. I'm very glad that I did.

Aspie Kids and Lying: The Fantasy World

2011-06-24T14:20:00.002+10:00

One of those inexplicable myths about adults and children on the spectrum is that we can't lie but I assure you that we can. I've discussed it before (see: Do Aspies Make Good Liars)

There are different types and levels of lying though and my previous discussions focussed on deliberate misdirection. Today, I want to talk about embellishment.

Everyday Experience

Everyone embellishes stuff and it would be a pretty boring world to live in if we didn't. When someone tells us that they saw a rat as big as a cat, we know that it's crap. (That is; the less literal-minded of us, know that it's crap) but we don't point at them and call out "liar!". We accept that it's a nice way of saying (as Sam L Jackon would say; "It was a huge m.....f... of a rat").

We use these lies casually all the time; "It rained all day", (the whole day, really?), "every time my back was turned, Jack had his hand in the cookie jar", (every single time huh?). "What are you complaining about, it only took a minute" (more like ten).

Our aspie kids are listening to us, soaking up our conversation like sponges and trying to figure out what makes our social world work. It's pretty clear early on that lies are a big part of it but what are these lies for? They're not deception, they're exaggeration, they're "good storytelling". Even our childrens books contain dozens of examples of exaggerations and deliberate misdirection by the most honest of characters.

Is it little wonder that they pick up that untruths are part of the social scene?

Encouragement

Now as our kids start to try to interact socially, they attempt these small lies and are rewarded. "Mom, that car was going so fast that it's wheels weren't even touching the ground", says little Johnny. Of course, every parent is proud that their child has strung together such a good sentence, and we reward them by paying attention and talking to them. It doesn't even cross our minds to say, "well, actually Johnny, you know that cars can't actually fly". We assume that our children have grasped the adult concept of embellishment but what they've really grasped is... lying.

It all gets bigger and better too because when these kids go to school and tell other children that their parents have a Ferrari, they suddenly become a little more popular. Lying provides them with social inroads. Exaggerates storytelling generates laughs and makes them feel like they fit in with a group.

Is it any wonder that the lies become bigger and more frequent?

Damage Control

What do we as parents do as damage control for lies? Well, there are a few options with the most common being;

Confront the child with the lie and prove them wrong.
Ignore the lie
Tell the story of the boy who cried wolf
Force the child to apologise and tell the truth to whomever they lied.

It's difficult because on the one hand, we're correcting our child for telling lies while on the other, we're lying right in front of them. "Babies are delivered by storks", "if you keep eating sweets, you're going to turn into one", "eat your beans, they'll make your hair go curly" etc...

Instead, we need to find a way to explain to concepts of white lies and exaggerations to our children. They need to know what is acceptable and what is not. Lies can be dangerous and sometimes they have real world consequences.

At the same time, the parents of children on the spectrum need to remember that our children aren't lying to be naughty. They're just trying to figure out our complex social customs.

Emotional Reciprocity

2011-06-20T07:46:00.003+10:00

This last weekend has been a really tough one for our family. We had to have our dog of nearly twelve years, Panda, put down last Saturday.

To make matters worse, nobody was expecting it. One day, she was "chirpy" and seemed to be in perfectly good health and the next she was gone. She was in our family for longer than our kids and she has left a huge hole in our family heart.

I was going to talk about emotional reciprocity today anyway but last weekend's events have put a whole new spin on things.

Dealing with Strong Emotions

We all deal with strong emotions, such as love, anger and grief in our own ways. My wife tends to cry things out but I often internalise them and take them on board as stress and at times, self-harmful behaviour. In the kids, these emotions can manifest as meltdowns or as general destructive behaviour. Sometimes there's nothing to see on the surface at all.

The point is that although we each feel these emotions and we feel them at similar strengths, our reactions vary widely both in intensity and visibility.

Quantifying Emotions

For some reason, our society seems to think that it's okay to quantify emotions based on visible reactions. If an event occurs to two people and the woman is crying while the man is not, then the woman needs the most care and attention because "she's the one who is really hurt". The solution is to talk in a quiet voice and bring lots of cups of tea and chocolates.

The man, by contrast isn't bawling his eyes out, so he's obviously not hurt. There's nothing that you need to do for him. There's no need to tread lightly because "he's not even upset".

In fact, if the event is of an appropriate level, for example the death of a loved one, then anyone not outwardly grieving is "fair game". You can take things out on them and you're more or less expected to say "what's wrong with you man?". The words "you don't care" should also be used in conversation to him.

Sound familiar?

It's something that many neurotypicals do and yet so few realise how wrong it is.

Pain on the Spectrum

What if I said that this wasn't really about men and women? It's about everyone in general and people on the spectrum in particular.

We use our own perception of other people's emotions to determine our response; our emotional reciprocity.

Too often, I hear of neurotypical women describing the husbands as uncaring, unemotional and cold. Autism research shows us that people on the spectrum sometimes feel less physical pain than others (based on their reactions) and even children on the spectrum are sometimes considered to have an almost psychopathic disconnection to the pain of others.

What if all of the reasearchers are just reading the signs wrong?

There's strong evidence in the online community that this is exactly the case. That people with autism and aspergers syndrome lack facial expression and tone but don't lack emotions. That in fact, we are very empathetic beings - sometimes even more empathetic that neurotypicals in terms of what we feel. Our problems are with the interpretation and the display of outward signs.

One Last Example

The day after the Panda died, there was a conversation right in front of me about how useless I am at doing "manly things" around the house. It's ok, I'm fair game and I really am useless at fixing things around the house. I didn't react badly and I obviously wasn't sad, so there's no need to hold back.

It was hard to keep those black suicidal thoughts out of my head for the rest of the day because that's how I deal with pain. Fortunately, I know that I'm needed here and I know that depression is part of aspergers. I can reject those dark feelings because I know they're part of the condition - and they're not real.

It's a good lesson to friends, parents and spouses everywhere. Maybe your child or husband doesn't display a lot of emotion (that you can detect) but everything you say is being noted. If you know that there is good cause for emotion, there's no reason to assume that simply because you personally can't detect it, it isn't there.

Treat everyone in a possible emotional state carefully and you'll reduce the likelihood of a meltdown.

Book Review: "The Way I See It" by Temple Grandin, Ph.D. (Second Edition)

2011-06-18T16:29:00.004+10:00

I have to say that I've generally (and quite successfully) avoided reading anything by Temple Grandin until now. It's not that Temple is bad, quite the contrary, she's arguably the most influential and inspirational person on the spectrum.

My reasons for avoiding her work have all been about trying to stay "spoiler free" and figure things out for myself.

The first thing I have to say about this book is that it looks like an autobiography. When reviewing books, I usually don't read the back cover or anything past the title and subtitle on the front cover. I skip the table of contents and go straight to the book. This enables me to judge the book by its cover - and then by its contents. I felt that the book looked like an autobiography but I was very pleasantly surprised. This book is a collection of Temple's essays and interviews and it covers a much broader area of study that any biographical work could.

The fact that the essays are grouped into categories helps too. They seem to follow a logical progression and they feel like they naturally go together. It helps that the essays are short too because this means that they stay on topic and that you, the reader, will often feel ready to start a new chapter without a break.

There are 63 essays, 14 of which are new in this second edition. The average length of each essay is about five pages. They cover the broad areas of diagnosis, education, senses, non-verbal autism, behaviour, social functioning, medications, research and adult issues including employment. I don't think that I've seen another book which covers the spectrum so comprehensively.

The book contains some amazing discussions including; choosing a guide dog for individuals with autism, the evaluation of medications, different styles of thinking in autism, bullying, perfection issues, the similarities between autistic and scientist brains (really) and choosing a college.

Occasionally Temple's age shows through, particularly when she's discussing manners or video games but even so, many of her points are quite true and well argued. There's also a feeling of TMI (too much information) when she discusses her own health experience but again, the positive is that you know that she's holding nothing back. Even Temple's thoughts on medications are interesting. There seems to be no ulterior motivation here and Temple doesn't hold back on condemning certain medications while praising others. It's all very interesting.

I was totally blown away by this book. I was amazed at how often Temple's own experience and feelings echoed my own but at the same time she opened my world to possibilities that I hadn't even considered. In one chapter for example, she talks about the problems that many people on the spectrum have with Menieres disease (tinitis). I have a major issue with ringing in my ears but I'd always assumed that it was to do with my deafness - maybe it isn't.

There's absolutely no reason why everyone on the spectrum shouldn't have this book. It's the best I've seen. Truly. In fact, the only reason I can think of to not read it is my own... being "spoiler free". Of course, now that I've more than scraped the surface of autism and aspergers syndrome, Temple's book has given me a whole lot of new directions to explore.

"The Way I See It" (Revised and Expanded 2nd Edition) by Temple Grandin, Ph.D. is available from Future Horizons and Amazon. It's the most comprehensive book about the spectrum (from inside) that I've ever read and it covers everything from babyhood all the way through to adulthood.

Honesty Clause: I was provided with a review copy of this book free of charge.

DVD Review: Aspergers, Autism and Girls Presented by Tony Attwood

2011-06-15T08:25:00.001+10:00

Aspergers, Autism and Girls

Understanding & Appreciating the Female Perspective!

Presented by Tony Attwood

Running time: 90 minutes approximately

This DVD comes in a neatly presented cover which provides very little detail, not even the running time. It certainly provides no clue that this is simply a recording of one of Tony Attwood's speeches at a conference.

After the initial shock of realisation that this is a conference video, things take a little while to settle down. The first ten minutes are almost unbearable as the camera has been placed at the back of the conference room and it's clear that the operators don't know how to zoom it.

In fact, quite apart from the heads bobbing around at the bottom of the frame and the grainyness of the picture, distorted sound and a few nasty bumps, you can see couple of attempts to zoom the camera.

Fortunately, after 10 minutes, they get it right and they zoom into a clear head and shoulders frame of Tony as he gives his speech. Strangely, it's around this point that they get the audio right too.

Things go along fine until about 50 minutes when some wag decides to pull the camera out to get a profile shot of Tony, distorting both the picture and sound at the same time (and worse than at the start) for a full five minutes.

Luckily, this only lasts for five minutes and then the camera returns to normal and the cameraman leaves it alone for the rest of the film. I get the feeling that he was told to "go sit in a corner".

Camera issues aside, Tony Attwood is a magnificient and engaging speaker who talks about his subject with a passion. He covers quite a bit of ground in 90 minutes and is helped by powerpoint slides with quotations from famous females with Aspergers Syndrome and other ASDs.

Aside from the 15 minutes of distortion, Tony's voice is clear at all times though the absence of subtitles is criminal - they're not that difficult to make and would have added a lot to the DVD especially given that so many people on the spectrum have difficulty interpreting speech.

Luckily, the fact that many sections of the DVD are direct quotes from powerpoint slides (which are shown on the screen) helps. If you have any hearing issues, you can at least, read along with Tony.

If you can't make it to any of Tony's conferences and you have a daughter or female student on the spectrum, then this DVD is certainly the next best thing. It's also a great thing to have handy for repeat value as your child grows up.

I had a bit of a laugh in places where it hit too close to home - it seems that male and female aspies aren't all that different after all.

If you're not much of a reader, then this DVD will save you the trouble of reading books about females with aspergers. Tony's coverage of the topic is comprehensive and he talks about all aspects from growing up, to exploring their feelings, to bullying and to dealing with boys. It's truly the sort of video that the parent of a girl with aspergers will want to refer to time and time again.

Given that there's not really much action in the video, it isn't really something that needs to be seen. It could just as easily be listened to as an audio only experience. This is good because it means that you could listen to it in the car or the kitchen without missing out on anything.

I'd recommend this DVD to all parents and teachers of females with Aspergers Syndrome or other Autism Spectrum Disorders. If you are an adult female with aspergers, the video is probably not going to tell you a lot that you don't already know about yourself but it might clarify a few things. If you're a female child with aspergers however, it's a different story. This video is going to help you to understand yourself and why people react the way they do around you.

Aspergers, Autism and Girls: Understanding & Appreciating the Female Perspective is available from Future Horizons publishing.

Honesty Clause: I was provided with a review copy of this DVD free of charge.

The Media - What are we really trying to censor?

2011-06-12T07:08:00.004+10:00

This post is a best of the best post on the topic of; the media as it relates to kids with special needs. Don't forget to check the BOB Site when it goes live on the 15th of June to read different perspectives from other blog authors.

** Parents please note - there are some concepts in this post which may offend or may be unsuitable for children **

Censorship

Long time readers of this blog will know that I'm firmly opposed to censorship even in children but in some cases, it's in the child's best interests. If the child has special needs or issues which impact their understanding, then media censorship takes on additional meaning.

The bad effects of media on children can range from social gaffes all the way up to life-threatening behavior. Of course, like everything, media has a flip-side too and it can have many beneficial effects particularly for children with different learning styles.

How do you figure out what to block and what to allow through? How do you draw the line between providing a safe versus a sheltered environment? Can the media really be of benefit to your child's education or is it just a babysitting service? This post aims to address some of these questions.

What are we really Censoring?

It is hard to think that human bodies are such ugly things that the mere sight of reproductive organs could cause irreprable damage to a child and yet that's a view that many people hold. My own children aren't ashamed of their bodies and are not prudish in any way but they're at least beginning to understand that it is not OK for them to "flash around". At the same time, they understand that in order to get changed or have a shower, they will be naked at some point.

Logically, it doesn't make a great deal of sense to attempt to hide such a scene from a film. It's as natural as making ones own breakfast cereal. Add sex to the mix and suddenly it all changes - but why? What are we trying to stop?

If your child doesn't know about sex, then clearly we're trying to preserve our own "stork" or "cabbabge patch" mythology. If the concept of sex is familiar to them - and lets face it, they seem to be learning these things younger and younger from friends at school, then the censorship must be for another purpose.

Stick a mild sex scene under a blanket in front of children who know about sex and you're most likely to get a comment like "oh no, not boring sex! when are they going to get back to the car chase?". Sex which doesn't show any of the mechanics is simply just another boring "kissy" scene. To get defensive about it is to draw attention to it, better just to let it slip on by.

Show the mechanics however and that's where things begin to get problematic.

The fact is that most pre-children who "know all about sex" simply think that it's about naked cuddling. That's a good thing. Too much knowledge of a method makes it repeatable - and at that age, it's not a good thing.

It's easy to say; "this is a movie, the police don't really go around shooting people - so you can't do it in real life or you'll end up in jail".

Can you say the same thing about sex? Nope, not if you have children you can't. Apart from certain laws, consenting overage sex is legal but most parents don't want their children engaging in such activities as soon as it's legal.

In that respect, we're censoring two things, the concept and the mechanics - and we're censoring for a reason - to prevent our children from doing what they see.

Scare Tactics

Censoring repeatable acts makes sense but we censor a whole lot more than that both as parents and as a society. It's easy to suggest that an illegal event must not be repeated and that "it's only a story or it's only pretend". Usually experienced children will understand this.

Ask any child if it's alright to shoot someone and you'll generally get the right answers; No - yes, if it's a war or yes if they're trying to shoot you first. It's clear that past early ages, children seem to understand these concepts. If your child doesn't, then you need to make sure that they do before you allow them to see things that are repeatable.

The question is; should we censor "scaryness"?

Scaryness by itself is a good thing and people love to be scared. It's one of the reasons that horror films have always been so popular, it's why we have amusement parks and it's why Halloween is such an attractive concept. In Australia, we don't have halloween and yet my kids crave it because every kid in Australia knows about "halloween". On the other hand, no kid in Australia ever asks why we don't celebrate thanksgiving. Horror is fun. People love to be scared when they're safe.

There's a point however where scaryness tips over from "scary" into real life fear. That point is reached at different times by different children of various ages depending upon their previous exposure to fear.

My children have watched scary movies for years. It's common for us to watch "the making of" after a movie to see how they achieved certain effects. They've learned to spot actors and will cheerfully remind me that Mrs Doubtfire is also the dad in Hook, the guy in Flubber and the guy from Jumanji. This is good. They understand the separation between fiction and reality.

We've watched lots of different and scary films together, Zombieland, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Aliens, Predator and more.

You'll note that Halloween, Jaws, Poltergiest and Elm Street are not on that list. That's because I can't tell my children that murderers, sharks or even ghosts and dreams don't exist. Not 100% anyway. Those films could impact on their real lives and could cross the boundaries of fiction into real life. For that reason, they're no-go areas until my kids are old enough to feel safe.f

That's what we're really protecting, the child's general feelings of safety.

The Value of Media

Lots of people will try to tell you that fiction doesn't provide any benefit for children but they're wrong. Very, very wrong. Fiction provides some great "what if" scenarios and the best fiction teaches us moral lessons about ourselves. As a child, I learned a great deal of science and history from Doctor Who on television and in books. It served me well in class and I never had to refer to any of those "a day in the life of..." style non-fiction books. Children often learn more from fiction than from non-fiction simply because it's more engaging.

If you have a child with special needs, you'll find that they are often described as "very visual" or "picture thinkers". That's a sure sign that you should be exposing them to more television and movies. These kids learn by seeing and the visual aspect of TV will teach them better than any other teacher.

There are other types of special needs children too and some are described as "verbal thinkers". These types of thinkers learn better from books than from standard teaching methods. A third type of thinker is the mathemiatical/patterns child. These thinkers learn by patterns and problems. For them, it's possible that computer games are a better solution. I'm talking about complex computer games like Age of Empires - not Tetris.

Whatever your child's learning style, you'll often find that the media provides a better means of learning than the classroom can.

Defining safety

So far, we've defined safety as the removal of repeatable undesirable acts and the removal of fear which is too close for comfort. Is that enough? Probably. Does it mean that the media is safe? Definitely not.

When I was young, there was an excellent science programme called "the curiosity shop". It was like a kid's version of mythbusters and they often did experiments. One of their shows demonstrated an exciting experiment where baking soda was used to pop the cork off a bottle or jar. It encouraged me to go looking for the details in other kid's science books. All very safe huh? Of course, a few weeks later when my neighbour and I ran out of jars and built our next experiment in a full-size and half full cholorine drum it was very different. We survived but needed treatment and did a fair amount of property damage.

Is that the TV's fault? Probably not but it's clear that the concept came from there.

The Parent's Role in Relation to the Media

The media is a great distributor of ideas which and it plays a critical role in the education of children with special needs. Your child will learn much more from TV than they will from any of their teachers.

The way to make TV safer is not simply to pick and choose television viewing habits. It's also to make sure that you, as a parent are open and willing to discuss what you've just witnessed. Television, books, comics, songs and computer games should not be babysitters. You need to be present - at least occasionally.

The media is a gestation point for ideas - your job as a parent is to censor the dangerous ideas while ensuring that the morality and safety of the remaining ideas is well understood.

University Life - Part 2

2011-06-08T08:11:00.003+10:00

Returning to University

After my first stint at university (see part 1) I was very reluctant to return.

I had established a comfort zone at work and although I had plenty of ambition, I lacked the drive to uproot myself and go through change again. This is a fairly common theme in the life on an aspie.

My mother however was very keen on the idea that a university education is a requirement of modern jobs and much as it pains me to do so, I have to agree. Sure, there are plenty of jobs that you can do without needing to go to university but most of the higher-paying ones require you to have skill with your hands or decent muscles. I had neither. My brain was my best asset and it had failed me miserably on my last attempt.

Eventually, I decided that one of the main reasons for my failure was that I had taken on more subjects than I could handle. I had discovered this towards the end of my earlier university venture when I was complaining about being unable to keep up with eight subjects and I discovered that my fellow full-timers were only doing four. Had I been more socially adept, I might have found that out earlier when it could have made a difference.

Making Appropriate Choices

I went back to university but this time, I only went part time - at nights after work. My workplace was surprisingly supportive of this and even recognised my chosen course, telling me that they would pay half each sememster - but only if I passed. That was a great little incentive to keep me going.

The other important thing that I did was choose a course which lined up with my special interest. I chose Bachelor of Applied Science (Information), a course which could apply equally to libraries or computing. It was my way of keeping a foot in both of my special interest camps (reading/writing and computing).

I found that going part-time was much better for me because most of my part-time peers were adults and I related better to them than I had to people my own age. I still didn't make any lasting friends there but at least everyone was pleasant and mature and included me in conversations.

I also found that the part-timers mostly had families and for the most part would arrive, learn and then leave. I didn't seem to miss out on as much of the social scene because there were so few social activities going on. People tended not to notice my social ineptitude as much and when they did, they were much more adult about it.

Organisation and Change

I still almost missed my first assignment but after that, I learned to get organised in my own way. I couldn't handle schedules but I'd generally start assignments on the day I found out about them and finish them a few weeks later - even when we hadn't actually covered the work. I was well known for handing assignments in several weeks early but it wasn't because I was "showing off", it was because I simply couldn't handle deadlines. I still do this at work.

I never left home during my university days but commuted to work and to university. I don't think that I would have been able to handle the changes associated with living elsewhere. There were enough changes in my life without introducing more.

The Highlights

My course ended up being a brilliant choice because it included a wide range of topics such as psychology, communications, marketing, classification, statistics, sociology and publishing as well as some fairly in-depth computing electives and the mandatory information science topics. Talking to people years later who did Computer Science (my other choice), I realised that I'd received a much more rounded and "human" education.

Some of the highlights included Psychology where I told the lecturer right at the start that I thought it was a "pretend science". She accepted my challenge and set tasks aimed at getting me to prove otherwise. By the end of the year, I was a true believer and I thanked her for an amazing contribution to my education.

My computing lecturers were also good. Actually they started off terribly with my first lecturer being an eighty plus (or so it seemed) old man who told us that we were lucky to have keyboards because he did his programming using a soldering iron. Things got better from there and I ended up with an open-minded lecturer who was happy to let me abandon the course's text-based 4GL langauge in favour of writing our final application (an artificial intelligence system) to run in the "new" Windows system. Windows 3.0 was only a year or so old when I did this, so it was pretty exciting for me.

I also got a lot out of marketing and my lecturer told me that he was sad that I was choosing computing as a career instead. I loved marketing and was very good at it but I really didn't have the people skills to deal with real-life (non-paper) scenarios.

The Low Points

My worst subject was sociology in which I attemped to do the same thing as psychology but I remained completely unconvinced. I was failing the subject despite citing a whole lot of evidence in my essays. I think that my problem was that being aspergers, I was less emotionally attached to subjects and I would always write what was in the best interests of the state. My essays were logical and were well backed up by statistics and facts but I never took human feelings into account.

At the end of the semester, I tried a last-ditch experimental attempt to resurrect my failing grades in the subject. In the exam, I told them exactly what I thought they wanted to hear; I discussed oppressed people, discrimination and other emotive social issues but didn't provide any evidence to support my claims. I passed but at the same time, I completely lost faith in sociology as a science. It's not a good subject choice for aspies.

Perfection and Group Work

My worst experiences were all related to group work. I hated group work and would always try to be the last one picked in the hope that I'd be forgotten about. It usually didn't work but at least I tended to be put into smaller sized groups. I found that I couldn't communicate my ideas properly to the group and my "bottom up" (details first, then the overview) approach would often completely bamboozle my peers. On many occasions, I was told by my group that they didn't understand what we were doing but that they were glad it looked great.

I also had big issues with perfection and would tear up my own work over a spelling mistake or a minor printing blemish. In fact, on several occasions I had meltdowns over mistakes in my assignments which I discovered too late to correct. In those days, an assignment could take several hours to print and in one case, I took it to the university to get it bound and they dropped it and bound it with pages upside down. I melted down badly and drove extremely dangerously all the way home to reprint it. Looking back, I'm amazed that I survived that trip home.

With all of my perfection issues, you can imagine that I was less than grateful when group work colleagues would give me hand-written papers or typed pages with pen corrections on them. I'd end up having to retype them.

In one assignment, we were developing a computer system. I built the system and another boy wrote the manual. His manual ended up being 25 pages, mostly filled with screen shots. I knew that I couldn't simply dismiss his work but at the same time I considered it to be seriously sub-standard. I ended up including it as an appendix in my 300 page manual. At the time I didn't realize how insulting that was.

I was also involved in a video project with a girl. I couldn't understand why we were always going off to her parents house or her sister's house or going out for lunch and wasting time. I just wanted to shoot the video and get it over and done with. To this day, I still don't know if I was supposed to be picking up some kind of subliminal messages there.

In any case, we shot the video and had a lot of arguements in the editing booth because I simply didn't understand what we'd shot - it was images and sound but had no script and didn't tell a story. On the day that our videos were to be "screened", I was asked by other people what it was like to work with her and I told them how it was - directly. As it turned out, she was standing right behind me and never talked to me again. We did however get an "A" for the project which ended up being (apparently) a feminist piece about women relaxing and being themselves without feeling like they had to be a stereotype. I'm still not sure how it said that but I was happy to get an A anyway.

University Life - Part 1

2011-06-03T08:30:00.000+10:00

I was recently asked about how aspergers affected my university experience and I realised that I haven't talked about it at all. This is my attempt at correcting the oversight. It will probably take a couple of posts but hopefully I won't bore you too much with my past.

My University experience falls into two categories; full time and part time.

I started university full time at UTS Sydney doing Civil Engineering but it wasn't exactly "my"career choice. To be honest, a year or two prior I had no idea of what an engineer was - and even while doing the course, the details were pretty sketchy.

There were a couple of reasons for the choice. First of all, I was in a group of six boys at school and five of them were going on to do engineering. My father, a naval architect, was keen on engineering as a career and almost nobody thought it would be a bad idea. I say almost nobody because the school librarian thought it was the wrong choice and she knew me better than anyone.

As it happened, I got the marks I needed to get in, so I chose the path. Along the way I did a bridging course in Physics and Chemistry to pick up some subjects that I had missed - that was the first obvious warning sign.

Motivation and Organisation Issues

I'm always stressing the importance of the special interest to the life and career choices of aspies. My engineering life was a perfect demonstration of this. If an aspie isn't interested in a subject, they'll have trouble understanding it, spending any time on it and retaining information about it. That was the case with me and engineering.

I was able to do the work, aside from the maths which I found pointless and dull but a week or two after studying a particular body of work - it was gone. Totally gone.

Then there were the organisational issues. I had gone to a Catholic school which constantly reminded students about assignments, homework and study. At university, there were no such reminders, no clarifications - nothing. I missed all of my deadlines without knowing that they were there. In fact, I was so disorganized that I missed more than half of my exams. I can remember sitting on a train station and realising that my mathematics exam was half over. It wasn't a great moment.

The only thing I enjoyed about engineering was the computers. I used to visit the lab frequently but not to play games. I just loved playing with the applications - it was my special interest. In fact, I quickly began writing applications to open back doors in their system to give me more access to other programs. I didn't realize that it was a "bad thing" at the time.

I had no friends - I can't remember a single classmate's name or face and in the end I only lasted one semester (half a year).

I got a report card in the mail and it said that I failed everything - everything that is, except computing. For that I got a distinction.

The Aftermath

I had never failed anything in my life before so the failure triggered massive bouts of depression which lasted for months. I sensibly refused to give things another go and my mother, more sensibly refused to let me lay around the house - insisting that I get a job.

My mother arranged interviews for me for various jobs and made me do things with my life. In the meantime, I enrolled in a community typing course (which I've never regretted). The typing course was all on electric typewriters but it got my hands correctly positioned for the keyboard.

More importantly though, the other people doing the course with me were "everyday" people off the streets. They weren't teachers, they weren't students at a Catholic school doing everything according to strict rules and moral codes and most importantly, they weren't all academics or engineers. I learned more about general life and people in a couple of months at the course than I had in years of school and sport.

I never managed to finish the typing course because my mother got me into a temp agency which quickly allocated me a job. In the meantime my mother was constantly searching the newspapers and coercing me to find a permanent job. I remember my mother putting me through the bank tests (a whole day of maths and English testing) and interview process and I would have gotten the job but I suddenly realized that I didn't want it. I literally awoke to the realization that I needed to follow my special interests during the interview process. I "threw" the interview by telling them that I wanted a high-level computing position but that was just so they'd let me out.

Then I started looking for jobs around my interests, of computing and reading and my strengths of sorting, categorizing and searching. When a library assistant position became available, I jumped at the chance.

Things to Take Away

The most important thing to take away from all of this is, once again;

Aspies MUST follow their special interests. That is the only path to a successful career.

Other critical things to note:

University life is significantly different from school life. Aspies will not automatically adapt to the changes (such as; shifting timetables, lack of teacher interest in students and lack of reminders about assignments). Parental intervention/teaching is required. (You need to go through your grown child's things and teach them how to look for deadlines).
Organisational skills are expected by university. Parents, make sure that your aspie has a calendar and is using it. Make sure that they have other organisational tools and know how to use them.

Next time, I'll look at my second attempt at university.

Article: Aspergers Advantages in the Workplace by Matt Friedman

2011-05-23T08:04:00.002+10:00

I want to draw your attention to a great post written by Matt Friedman.

Matt is an aspie cartoonist and his cartoons have caught my attention many times before. You can see a lot of his cartoons by browsing his blog;

Dude, I'm an Aspie

http://www.dudeimanaspie.com/

The post I'd particularly like to draw your attention to though is called;

Aspergers Advantages in the Workplace

http://www.dudeimanaspie.com/2011/05/aspergers-advantages-in-workplace.html

In this post, Matt puts his finger on some of the most important reasons why having people with aspergers in the workplace is beneficial. In particular, he cites; logical thinking, originality in problem-solving, attention to detail, technical ability, accuracy, tolerance of repetition and honesty. He provides some well illustrated examples of each.

I urge you to have a read.

While you're there, you might also want to have a look at some of his other amazing posts. One of my favourites is Aspergers and Evolution;

http://www.dudeimanaspie.com/2011/01/why-are-we-here-autism-and-evolution.html

Matt also has a paperback available at Lulu.com.

Book Review: "Starting Sensory Therapy" by Bonnie Arnwine

2011-05-22T07:16:00.002+10:00

Children with sensory needs tend to have two reactions to stimuli. Either they can't get enough of a particular form of stimuli or even the slightest form of stimuli causes them to scream on contact.

Often children with sensory issues have both reactions - and often to similar types of stimuli. For example, a child who can't stand the touch of a certain type of fabric may excessively crave the touch of a teddy bear made from a different fabric.

Sensory exercises play a critical role in helping these children adjust to stimulii and can usually reduce or even remove sensory issues.

From the outside, "Starting Sensory Therapy" looks like a textbook on the subject. It's not. The cover and title of this book are very misleading.

This book is a collection of over a hundred different activities to stimulate the senses of children with sensory difficulties.

The activities are loosely grouped by the sense they stimulate; for example there are sections on visual, auditory, smell, tactile and taste senses. The book doesn't stop at "the five senses" though and also contains chapters on gross and fine motor movement.

The activites themselves are in sub-groups, such as "tissue paper fun", "balloon fun" or "No-Cook Cooking" within each chapter and the book has a good index too. All in all, it's a very well laid out book.

Each activity starts off with a list of what you'll need and then provides a brief description of how to do it. The activities usually also include ideas on how they could be extended.

The activities are suitable for children of various ages, from babyhood right through to the very early teens and they're suitable for individuals or groups. My wife has taken a lot the ideas in this book to Joey scouts this term, so they're all very adaptable and useful - even when children don't have sensory issues.

The activities include; ice cream making, play dough making, rocket tag with torches, singing-games like "the wheels on the bus", making a bird feeder, paper mache, making shaving cream paint, playing "hamburger", marshmallow sculptures, making musical instruments and much more.

The only gripe (apart from the cover and title) that I've got with this book is that it uses some brand names. For example, there were several references to "Graham Crackers" which we don't have in Australia. I had to look them up on the internet just to figure out what type of biscuit they were. The book could probably benefit from with a glossary with pictures to explain what some of these items are.

Other than that, it's a great book which parents, teachers and community workers will get a lot of benefit from.

"Starting Sensory Therapy" by Bonnie Arnwine is available from Future Horizons and Amazon.

Honesty Clause: I was provided with a review copy of this book free of charge

Anxiety in Cub Scouting (Some things we'd like to tell parents)

2011-05-14T06:59:00.005+10:00

This is post is part of "Best of the Best: Series 6: Anxiety and Stress.

Anxiety in children is a topic which is very close to my heart at the moment. It's not that my children are particularly anxious at the moment although we've certainly had our issues with anxiety in the past. This time it's the fact that that my wife and I are both scout leaders (she does Joeys and I do cubs) and we both have some anxiety issues within our groups.

It's quite different when it's not your child. When you're outside of the day-to-day life of the family (scouts is mostly once per week). This time, instead of being the parents, we're the "professionals". Being on the other side of the fence is giving us a whole different point of view.

Immediacy of Results

The parents of our anxious children are coming up to us and talking about how "they can't see their children settling" and about how they feel like "maybe they need to take their children out of scouts". We understand their position - after all, we used to be the same (sometimes we still are when it comes to school).

As a leader however, I can see weekly improvements. They're not giant leaps and it will take time but these kids are becoming less anxious every week. Parents expect to see immediate results and feel like they need to give up when they don't get them.

Immediate results don't happen but there's no reason to give up. Those small results are growing each week. Parents of anxious children need to take a step back and let things run their course. If you keep changing your child's activities, then of course you're going to make them more anxious.

Give your Anxious Child Room

Your anxious child needs room to grow and breathe. We find that many children are much more anxious when they know that their parents are watching. Our worst issues with anxiety are those where the child leaves the scout hall and tries to look for their parents in the car park. It's dangerous. I've even heard of children in school, but thankfully, not in my scout group (so far) who chase their parents cars all the way home.

When dropping your anxious child off. Leave them with the group, make sure that they know that you'll be back and then beat a hasty retreat. It's best to do it as soon as your child is dropped off. If the parents stay in the hall, then the child will cling to them constantly instead of participating. Recently, one parent stayed in their car in the car park. Their child knew this and kept making excuses to leave the hall to be with them. "I need to go get a torch", "I need to check if I can eat this", etc.

When my wife and I were on the parents side of the fence, we had similar issues dropping our youngest off at preschool. He'd cry constantly and if we stayed for an hour, he'd cry for an hour. The teachers used to tell us that he settled with five minutes of our leaving. I don't think we believed them but now I know that it's true. In scouts and school, crying is one of those things that may attract bullies. It's best not to put your children in that situation.

Parents, being there for your kids is a nice touch but you're only increasing their anxiety. Out of sight is often out of mind.

Making Allowances for Children with Anxiety

Another issue that parents raise with us is the constant need to make allowances for their children. Perhaps their child won't stand on parade, perhaps they won't join in games, maybe it's the group activities or the noise that cause the anxiety?

As scout leaders, my wife and I nod our heads. Yes, there will need to be some changes to the programme to better suit the anxious kids - but that's ok. We will all benefit.

Then of course, the parents begin to panic again about how they feel that we're having to make allowances and changes for their child. They feel guilty that we're changing our programme or that we can't do the same things we do every year with the other kids.

Why? It's hard to explain but my wife and I really enjoy the differences in our programme. It's boring doing the same things over and over again. The differently-abled children put a whole different spin on things. They make us do different activities (or the same activities differently), we make allowances, little changes and sometimes bigger changes.

We're staying true to scouts and everyone is benefiting from the programme. Sometimes, the benefits are actually due to the changes. If we're doing something differently, as leaders, we're more excited by it. That excitement rubs off on the other kids and everything is better.

Parents; Your kids with anxiety aren't a burden. They're a joy.

Challenges and Resources

Then of course, there's the challenge of helping a child with anxiety issues to better integrate with a group. It's not a challenge in a bad way. It's something that we, as leaders, enjoy.

Recently I contacted our special needs group regarding our most anxious cub. I didn't contact them to complain. I contacted them for ideas. I have to say that our special needs section is brilliant. The main person in special needs sent my email around to the individuals under him and they all responded with ideas. I'm charged and I'm rising to the challenge.

I'm just terrified that the parents will decide that "it's too much work for us" or that their child is "adjusting too slowly" and remove them from scouts.

Seeing Incidents Differently

A year or so ago, we had a cub who was very unruly. He could not keep still and would run constantly. He was very difficult to handle but we were making inroads. One night, we were doing sewing. I knew that it was an activity which wouldn't hold his attention so I gave him other tasks to do. Fortunately for him, those tasks included a lot of opportunties to run around (just not with needles in his hands).

His parents arrived early to pick him up and saw their son doing a lot of running while the others were quietly sitting down sewing. They assumed that their child simply wasn't fitting in and they removed him from cubs immediately. I didn't try to argue the point because sometimes parents will believe what they want to believe regardless of what you tell them. I still feel bad about that moment because he was making so much progress and his parents couldn't see it.

Today, I still have children who need to do different things during scouts. Sometimes they have trouble participating in a game, so I make them the leader of the game. They set up and run the game, teach the rules and help the leaders catch the kids who are "out" but sneak back in.

It troubles me to hear of conversations in our scout car park where the parents tell their children that they "weren't happy with their behaviour at scouts today". Why? They were leaders! It's inspirational.

Overcoming Anxiety on Parade

A post on anxiety in scouts wouldn't be complete without a least a few tips, so here's a selection of feedback I receieved from our special needs group regarding a cub who is a little too anxious to stand on parade and go through the investiture ceremony;

Invite the parent to stand on parade next to him
Give him a special job to do on parade so he focuses on that eg. Could you hold this book for me, because I’m going to need it first thing after parade
Do parade outside or make it different somehow
Give him a Parade Buddy, even a sympathetic and low-key leader to playfully team up for support (maybe not next to him but across the circle, more eye contact, more encouragement.
Get him prepared. Some cubs are excellent when they have time to mentally prepare for events.
Consider a more private investiture ceremony, maybe a smaller group while on a ramble from the Hall
Maybe you could try preparing him beforehand by outlining the parade structure and time frame (a diagram might be helpful). Perhaps give him a choice of where he can stand on parade.
If he has any friends in the pack, perhaps someone from the same school, they could provide "buddying-type" support for him for a few weeks.
Try to find out from his parents what his fears are and whether he has any sensory issues (eg hates noise, smells, certain colours). Also, ask his parents what are his strengths, eg maths, art, maps.
His fears may not seem rational but they will be very real for him. Consider delaying his investiture until he feels more ready.
Failing all else, invest the child in private with his parents.

There's a little repetition here but I've left it in because it highlights the key points. buddies, planning, smaller/different ceremonies and just plain acceptance. As parents, sometimes we need to accept that our children will naturally have anxiety issues. We need to determine when to be there for them and when to allow them to grow by themselves.

Aspie Interactions with the Police

2011-04-28T17:16:00.001+10:00

Over the last few weeks, I've read several blogs where aspies have described their interactions with the law. In every case, the incidents were blown out of proportion by the tactics of the police and the social difficulties experienced by the aspie.

I too have had difficulties with the police (and other aspects of the law).

Misunderstandings

My first major police incident was as a teen being pulled over for speeding. At the time, I had an old car which took forever to warm up and I really knew very little about cars. The car was misbehaving and I thought that maybe it needed to warm up (in actual fact, it was overheating due to a burst water filter). I tried going fast to warm it up - and that was when the police turned up behind me.

I told the police that there was something wrong with the car and they just laughed and said "yeah, what? the brakes?". Luckily I knew to just keep quiet otherwise I'm sure they'd have tried to take things further.

Following the Wrong Rules

My second infraction was again, speeding but this time I knew I was in the wrong. I was pulled over and instead of waiting for the police, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

A few weeks earlier there had been a documentary on TV by Allan Pease, a famous body language expert. He suggested that it was best to approach police when in trouble and adopt a "lower then them" posture.

I really didn't want to have to pay a fine or to lose points off my licence. I remembered Allan Pease's information but knowing that the police were already stopped behind me, I knew I'd have to be quick to get into position. I jumped out of the car and started running towards the police.

They threw open their doors, took shelter behind them and pointed their guns at me. It didn't help that being deaf, it took a few shouts before I could understand that they were telling me to stop.

It took a lot of convincing (and a full car search) to let them know that I was innocent (except for the speeding). I didn't want to tell them the truth about the Allan Pease show because then I'd spoil my tactic. I think that they knew I was withholding some information and it was quite a while before they let me go.

Other Run-ins

I've had other run-in's with the police and with unsavory characters. Once, when I was about sixteen and on holiday in Perth, a man kept following me everywhere asking me to have a drink with him. I told him that I wasn't thirsty but he persisted. Then I said I wanted to look in a bookshop and he wanted to wait outside. Eventually I told him that I really needed to go home (which was the truth).

It wasn't until later when I was telling my mother about my day - and I mentioned this annoying person that I discovered that the man had been a pedophile.

And the point is....

All of this makes me wonder what the best approach for teaching my aspergers children about the real world is.

Preparing for Encounters with the Police

Certainly I need to ensure that they understand that whenever the police are involved, they need to just quieten down, accept where things are going and say almost nothing. In fact, they should probably request that their parents be contacted and wait until we arrive.

I'm not sure how well this would work with the police. The other options involve either registering my children with the police as having Aspergers syndrome (which translates to an "approach with caution" directive). I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not as it may increase the likelihood of a situation escalating to violence.

I'm increasingly thinking that a happy medium would be to provide them with a card that says they have aspergers and which explains some traits (and has my contact details). They're not old enough to carry a card without losing it yet but perhaps this is the best option.

Building appropriate levels of suspicion

It's very easy to set a trigger for a given type of behavior. For example; if someone, even a "little old lady" asks you to carry their bags through airport security, they're a drug dealer, it's a bad thing and "don't do it". Similarly, an adult who is interested in your genitalia and isn't a doctor is a pedophile.

Unfortunately, triggers aren't always so visible.

The little old lady could fake an accident and tell the aspie to take care of her stuff without raising suspicion. Similarly, in my case, the pedophile wasn't asking anything sexual. They just wanted to know if we could go for a drink.

An aspie will react to a black and white trigger but a "grey one" will slip by completely unnoticed. I don't want to make my kids suspicious of everyone but unless I instill in them a certain level of caution, they'll take anything for granted.

It's a difficult choice and I'm not entirely sure what the best answer is.

HUGE Giveaway in honor of Autism Awareness Month!

2011-04-16T06:59:00.004+10:00

It's autism awareness month and there's a huge giveaway of books, DVDs and b-Calm worth over $1100. The giveaway is hosted by S-O-S Research, so head on over there!

It's part of the Fifth Edition of Best of the Best and it's not strictly limited to autism but covers a wide variety of special needs including; ADHD, Autism & Aspergers, General Disabilities, Sensory Processing and Bipolar disorder.

There are books on parenting, babies, discipline, sensory training, IEPs and social skills. Whatever your need, there's a book for you.

That link again, in case you're reading a printed version of this;

http://sos-research-blog.com/04/s-o-s-best-of-the-best-edition-5-book-review-and-giveaway/

Book Review and Giveaway: "How do I teach this kid to Read?" by Kimberly A. Henry, M.S.

2011-04-11T08:30:00.002+10:00

This is a "Best of the Best" post - Giveaway details are at the end of the post.

The full title of this book is;

How do I Teach this Kid to Read?

Grade Levels K-3

Teaching Literacy Skills to Young Children with Autism, from Phonics to Fluency

by Kimberly A. Henry, M.S.

How do I teach this kid to read is a great text book aimed at very young readers on the spectrum. Unlike most books of its kind, this book comes with a companion CD.

The book has amazingly simple organisation with each chapter introducing a new teaching concept and outlining;

What it is
Why it works
Materials Needed
Ideas for Use

As well as parents, this book is also a great resource for teachers and would-be teachers in special needs as it explains a lot of great techniques and most of the ideas in this book could be stretched beyond reading and into other areas of a child's education or social life.

Most of the materials needed sections refer to resources which are already on the supplied CD (which contains 48 files, mostly in PDF format) but the book also contains redirects to other suppliers, web sites and references.

The book covers word walls, flipbooks, pictographs, thinking in pictures and more. Along the way, the "why it works" section for each activity frequently explains autistic traits and how the world appears to people on the spectrum.

This is best demonstrated in an example from the why it works of "Question Sticks";

"Because some children with ASD have difficulty processing questions, Question Sticks put the question in a visual format - a format the child may better understand."

This very practical book is a necessary resource for parents and teachers who deal with difficult readers from about Kindergarten to Year 3. I have no hesitation in recommending it.

How do I Teach this Kid to Read? can be purchased online from Future Horizons or from Amazon.

Honesty clause: I was provided with a copy of this book for review at no charge.

ENTER GIVEAWAY!!!

Contest ends April 29, 2011 at 5pm

All you have to do to enter this giveaway is leave a comment on this post saying why you think the book will be particularly suitable for you. If you can't think of anything, just leave a comment anyway - I'll be drawing the winners randomly.

PLEASE leave me a way to contact you via email or facebook if you win - If I can't make contact within 48 hours, I'll need to do a redraw.

Bullying: The Bully's Side of the Story

2011-04-01T07:42:00.003+11:00

This is the final post in the bullying series.

So far in this series, we've concentrated on the victims of bullying and quite rightly too. If you or your child is the victim of bullying, then it's obvious that you'll need to look after your own needs first. It's also very probable that you'll find yourself a bit short on mercy for the person who is making your life (or your child's life) a living hell.

It's (usually) not your job.

Having a Plan for Bullies

The fact is though that bullies don't come from nowhere. They're often children raised in difficult circumstances and are often the victims of bullying themselves, perhaps by an older sibling or a parent.

I've read many posts which suggest jail terms or all manner of other sanctions for bullies but I disagree with these. I don't think that they're addressing the real problems simply by punishing the bully.

If the bully is school aged - and particularly if the bullying is occuring at school, then the school should really "punish" the bully by requiring them to spend a certain amount of time with a counsellor. It's not enough to simply "slap the wrist" of a serial bully and tell them not to do it again. You need to find out what is going on - what is motivating them.

I'm not sure if it's legal but it would probably be best that bully counselling occurs, at least initially, without the bully's parents knowledge - at least until they're eliminated as a factor.

Counsellors need to look for evidence of a cycle of physical or emotional abuse, unmet needs (such as parents who are never home), undiagnosed psychological or sociological conditions or simply evidence of extreme frustration. They also need to look for signs of peer pressure and if need be, break up these harmful social groups.

If the Bully is YOUR Child

But what if the bully is your child? What if you know that there's no pressure at home? How do you find where the problem lies?

The first answer is still counselling. If you child is verbal, then you need to accept that sometimes as a parent, you're going to be the last to know about your child's problems. Consider turning them over to a counsellor and letting them spend time alone with your child. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stanger about things that you wouldn't otherwise tell your own parents.

Spend some quality one-on-one time with your child. If they're young, take them out to a quiet coffee shop (without a playground) and get them a milkshake. If they're a little older, take them to a proper coffee shop or even a bar (assuming they're a lot older). Spend a little time talking about your own experiences, feelings of inadequacy and growing up issues but make sure that you keep things brief and "human". It's supposed to be about your child, not you.

Spend some time simply listening to your child. Let them direct the conversation - if they want to talk about their special interest, then give them at least five minutes of uninterrupted time to get it out of their system.

If, after a long time, they still haven't given you anything to go on, then you might need to talk more directly about bullying. "I got a phone call from the school yesterday about bullying. Can you talk to me about it?". The point here is to listen rather than judge and to prompt without interrogating or interrupting. You're mainly trying to find out how your child feels about the incident and whether there is more to it than meets the eye.

The other thing that you need to talk to your child about is the victim. This probably should be reserved for a different conversation. You need to find out if your child understands how the victim feels and whether they can put themselves in the "shoes" of the victim. The outcome of this conversation is very important as it could highlight other difficulties that your child may have.

Concluding the Series

Bullying occurs everywhere throughout life but it is not something that can be ignored or tolerated. Bullying must always be stopped but in order to stop it, two things must happen;

The victim must be removed from the situation
The bully must be "investigated" to see if there is a cause.

While it's the parent's job to safeguard their children, it's not simply enough for an institution to protect an individual victim. They need to stop it at the source.

Article: "Help! IEP Time" on Aspergers: A Mom's Eye View

2011-03-25T07:26:00.003+11:00

Just wanted to draw your attention to an excellent series of articles about the IEP (Individualised Education Programme) on Aspergers: A Mom's Eye View (http://asdhelp.wordpress.com/)

Help! IEP Time

http://asdhelp.wordpress.com/2011/03/23/help-iep-time/

This is a very detailed article which covers;

Does your child need an IEP.
Three major steps for Preparation for an IEP

It's well worth a read!

Making yourself less of a target for Bullying

2011-03-22T00:36:00.000+11:00

So far we've looked at the different ways in which bullying can manifest itself and discussed some options for damage control once it starts. Some people however present more of a target to bullies than others. In this post, we'll look at some things you can do to reduce your chances of being bullied.

Being Different

Like many aggressors, bullies often have an intense "dislike for the unlike". This means that if there is something about you that is different, they will seize upon it as an excuse to bully.

If you're an aspie, you'll already be fighting an "uphill battle" because NTs can somehow sense our differences within minutes of meeting us. It's mostly to do with our body language and while it's possible to learn how to hide it from others in occasional conversation, there's very little that you can do when you're in constant daily contact with a potential bully.

This means that you'll have to work all the harder to blend in. You shouldn't work against yourself by "trying to be different". I know that it seems to be a matter of expressing your individuality and basic freedoms but you need to set sensible limits. For example; a guy who regularly wears pink shirts in a homophobic school is really "asking for trouble". The same goes for people who regularly have "branded accessories" marked with special interests which aren't necessarily age appropriate.

Having a star wars lunchbox in primary school is cool. It's not so cool to have one in secondary school. You may think that spongebob is the height of culture but constantly talking about him or wearing spongebob apparel is going to get you noticed. Save that stuff for home.

Do your best to blend in and appear "one of the crowd" and you'll attract a lot less attention from bullies.

Don't Lose Your Temper

Bullies love getting a reaction and there's no reaction that thrills them more than a meltdown or a temper-tantrum.

Once a bully has seen that kind of reaction from you, they'll keep trying to provoke "bigger and better" ones and in front of progressively larger groups. As the victim's reputation for outbursts grows, they will attract greater numbers of bullies. Even kids who normally wouldn't be bullies themselves will try to get a reaction.

If you're an aspie, then social anxiety and meltdowns are a part of normal life for you. You probably won't be able to control them entirely but you should be able to detect your triggers and remove yourself from situations. If you're at school, you'll probably need to get your parents to talk to your teachers about the issue to establish a protocol for you to signal an overload and withdrawal condition without drawing undue attention to yourself.

Keep your head. Know your triggers and remove yourself from situations immediately if you feel a meltdown is imminent.

Don't Provoke Bullies

We've all heard the saying; "it won't bite you if you don't annoy it". That's not exactly true of bullies. They'll find you and they'll attack without warning regardless of what you do. What is true however is that if a bully isn't currently attacking you, then stirring them up will certainly cause them to focus on you.

Occasionally, you may find that your bully ends up in a situation where the tables are turned. Perhaps they've had a bad day or something embarrassing has happened to them. You may be burning for revenge but try to resist the urge to get involved. Bullies have good memories and when they're back on top, they're bound to come looking for you.

Just leave the bullies alone. Stay out of their life and you'll significantly reduce their incursions into yours.

Don't Just Defend Yourself - Attack!

I've often heard parents giving their children advice to "hit the bully back" and indeed, assuming you're strong enough to win a physical fight, that often does the trick. Of course, in these situations, you can't hit first or you'll be seen as the agressor.

Bullying usually goes on for a long, long time before it becomes physical and by the time it does, a lot of damage has already been done. For this reason, establishing a good verbal defense is critical.

It's not enough to simply "block" negative comments. You also need to strike back.

Consider this conversation (note: for clarity I've added points in brackets);

Bully: Hey moron! you've got a fat head! (3 points)

Victim: No I haven't (0 points)

Bully: Man, your head is so fat you probably can't get it in the gate. (1 Point)

Victim: I can, I came in the gate this morning (0 points)

Bully: Aw gee, for someone with such a big fat head, you're so dumb. (3 points).

I've allocated points on the following basis;

1 Point for unexpected attack.

1 Point per attack word

You'll notice that the victim has wasted his lines by simply defending himself (denying allegations). The bully hasn't been attacked at all.

Now, consider a different exchange.

Bully: Hey moron! you've got a fat head! (3 points)

Victim: Aw shut up you stupid clown, go bother someone who cares (3 points)

Bully: Man, your head is so fat you probably can't get it in the gate. (1 point)

Victim: Yeah well at least I don't have an ugly mug like yours or a pathetic and stupid personality to go with it. (3 points)

Bully: Well, your head is fat. (1 point)

Victim: Oh quit it with the stupid head fixation and grow up you sad little sack of camel dung (5 points)

If your exchanges go this way, the bully will soon leave you alone.

Parents; If your child is being bullied at school, you might want to role-play these sorts of comebacks until they're natural responses.

A neutral defence is useless against bullies. Always make your verbal responses count.

Be Less Visible

There's an old saying "Out of sight, out of mind" which means simply that if the bully doesn't see you, they'll find some other victim instead. I'm not suggesting that you hide from the bully but simply that you try to reduce your interactions and ensure that you're not near the bully when they have free time.

Become part of a group

Another good saying; "There's safety in numbers". Bullies prefer to attack when the odds are in their favour. Find a group, any group - a nerd group is fine - and stick with it. If you've got other people with you, the bully is more likely to decide that the risk is too great and leave you alone.

Believe in yourself

Bullies will say lots of hurtful things but they're usually just lies aimed at throwing you off balance. The bully wants to destroy your self esteem. You need to spend time thinking about your good points and work hard to boost your own self esteem. This will only happen if you can believe in yourself. Talk to people who care about you and ask them for their opinions - don't just take the bully's lying words to heart.

Don't believe anything a bully says.

Get help when necessary

There may come a time when you feel that "you simply can't take it any more". Don't let things get to this point. Seek help and stand up for your rights. If you've reported a bullying incident and nothing has been done to correct it, then go to a higher authority. If you're a child and your parents don't seem to understand then see the school social worker or refuse to go to school. You need to ensure that they understand how serious the problem is.

Don't bottle your feelings up. That's how people explode.

If you find yourself contemplating self-harm or taking weapons to school then you need to get your support network involved.

Don't stay at inappropriate places

Some places are home to large numbers of bullies. Some schools not only tolerate bullies but seem to actively encourage it. The same goes for some sports teams and social clubs. These places won't react well to allegations of bullying and may even react by making life harder for the victim. Don't try to fight a losing battle. There are other schools, other clubs and other workplaces. Look after number one (yourself) and protect your valuable self-esteem.

Don't put up with it, just leave - and if you still want to take action, do it from outside the group. This could be in the form of a letter to a newspaper about a school which encourages bullying or it could be as simple as joining another sports team and delivering a crushing defeat to your ex-bully team.

If you can't seem to get anything done about bullying, then get out. Don't stay in a harmful environment.

Next time

We'll look at the bullies side of the story and conclude this series.

Taking a Vacation with Special Needs Children

2011-03-15T04:00:00.001+11:00

This is a "Best of the Best" Post.

Is there such a thing as "taking a vacation" when special needs children are involved? I know many people whose whole idea of a vacation is "any time without the kids" but aside from the respite services that some parents can take advantage of, there's little chance of that sort of holiday. Even my own parents who take the kids for a "holiday" during their school breaks have stipulated that they can only look after one child at a time. Breaks away from the kids are very rare for us.

So, if a break away from the kids isn't possible, then what happens when you take them with you?

Driving Vacations

These are cheap and easy holidays - sometimes. One of the problems that many special needs children have is that they can't stay still for very long. A driving holiday can quickly turn from a peaceful trip into a nightmare if your child decides to continually unbuckle their seatbelt, annoy their siblings or pitch a "sensory fit" because they're too hot, numb, cramped or otherwise bothered. Driving holidays can work with very young (ie: aged two or younger) or significantly older (aged 15+) special needs children but between the ages of about 3-14, they're usually not a good idea.

On one driving holiday, my son, then aged about 3, refused to get back in the car and would cry whenever we tried to take him near it. We also discovered that he'd desperately needed to use the toilet but had quietly held onto it for several hours. Unfortunately, he exploded before he reached a toilet only minutes after leaving the car at our destination. Another driving holiday became a total ruin when our son developed a middle ear infection along the way.

These days however, just driving our kids to school is an experience. They have enough fights in the 10 minute drive to school to push all thoughts of driving holidays out of our heads.

Flying Vacations

These are more successful with the 3-14 age group but obviously they're also much more expensive. That's not to say that they're without issues. There's the plane noise and vibration and even worse, there's the sudden changes in air pressure. These don't sound like much but they're usually enough to set off any sensory issues your children may have. Then of course, there's the airport with the array of anti-terrorist and anti-smuggler devices.

Do yourself a favour. Don't wait for the problems to start - declare your children upfront and you'll find that the airport staff are a whole lot more accomodating.

The best thing about flying vacations is that you're only being transported for a short while. After that, you can be settled at your destination.

Cruising Vacations

We've just learned the hard way that cruises aren't exactly suited to special needs children. In fact, the whole thing was so frightening to my 10 year old that he led my wife on a merry chase all around then inside of the terminal. He went on the boat but he went on kicking and screaming.

There are some great things about cruising, particularly the fact that they have a kids club and set routines. Unfortuantely, they also have unpredictable and/or dangerous things. In particular, they can have wild weather, large crowds, unsafe areas (low rails) and playgroup bullies. If your child suddenly decides that they don't like being on the boat, too bad. You're stuck there.

Resorts

Personally, I've found that resorts (and cosy family holidays) are the best types of holiday destinations for special needs children. Resorts have the advantage of kids clubs but obviously these areas carry the risk of bullying, unsuitable supervision and infectious disease. Check the kids club out carefully before leaving your child there.

Some resorts even have well trained special needs staff - or super-enthusiastic staff who are eager for new challenges.

Resorts with buffet are better than restaurant-only resorts because if your child is a very picky eater, they at least get a chance to try things without the obligation to eat.

The other great thing about resorts is that you don't have to keep travelling. You can stay put and allow the kids to settle into a routine - and if for some reason they dislike the resort, you can easily go visiting other places of interest instead.

Save the big trips for later.

When your special needs kids are small, the best holidays are those which provide minimal travel hassles while walking the fine line between stability of routine and the opportunity for new experiences.

Bullying in the Workplace

2011-03-12T10:42:00.007+11:00

If you think that bullying is just something that kids do, think again. Bullying occurs quite frequently in the workplace and unlike school bullying, there is often no evidence to back your claims up and no higher authority to turn to for help.

The targets for workplace bullying are often different to those of schoolyard bullying although many people, particularly "natural targets" such as aspies, will find themselves victims in both scenarios.

The Corporate Hierarchy

If you're the boss at work, you probably don't need to worry about being bullied but if you notice an unusually high staff turnover or if you notice that there are a lot of complaints both by and about specific individuals, you should probably investigate (quietly).

CEOs themselves generally aren't bullies because if they antagonise all of their staff, the company profits will suffer.

Bullies aren't usually to be found in the lower levels of the corporate hierarchy either. Unlike schoolyard bullies, workplace bullies generally don't use greater size or strength advantages (except perhaps in blue-collar roles). Instead, their machinations are primarily political. They can't bring a lot of pressure to bear from the bottom of the organisation, so they're more likely to "suck up" to bosses at this level until they get to a position of relative power.

What can be found in the lower levels of the organisation however are the primary targets of workplace bullying.

Middle and upper management tends to be the natural home of the workplace bully and the greater the control over staff, the better. Bullies tend to be a natural fit in people-centric roles such as human resources, project and office management.

The Tricks of the Trade

Workplace bullying tends to take the following forms;

Appearance and Manner
Picking on someone because of their dress, jewelery, tattoos, hairstyle or their general manner, such as telephone or meeting conduct. This tends to be an area dominated by female bullies and the aim of the bully is to make the victim feel insecure about themselves and perhaps, to force more conservative trends. This helps older female bullies to retain attention which may otherwise be lost to younger staff.
Ethical Questions
This style of bullying calls the ethics of the victim into question. It's usually targeted on a perceived "weak point" and may question religious beliefs, sexual preferences, business practices, decisions and even parenting abilities.

Bullies attacking someone's ethics will attempt to make their victims feel uneasy (or even resign) by loudly dropping hints that their ethics are somehow wrong. For example; they may suggest in general discussion, that mothers who return to work while their kids are still very young are the worst kind of people. They may pretend to be totally oblivious to the fact that their words are hurting a mother in the office. These parents have enough self-doubt about leaving their babies in the care of strangers without being called out on it by bullies.
Attacks on Knowledge
Many of the most common forms of workplace bullying take place around the idea of knowledge. Workers are accused of being unskilled or otherwise unable to perform their duties. The bully "accidentally" withholds or delays key knowledge, such as reports, emails or system passwords.

In one case from my past, we had a female IT worker who wasn't particularly well accepted by her peers. A male colleague kept reducing her access rights to the point where she would frequently find herself locked out of systems and unable to do her job. Since she was supposed to be an IT support person, this bullying made her seem incompetent.

Bullies who attempt to use knowledge as a weapon will often try to make it seem that the office cannot function without them. They will set things up to fail when they are not around or will redirect phones and email to ensure that they are the only ones who get a chance to operate certain systems. They will complain bitterly about other people not giving them training, documentation or access while resisting efforts to allow others to be trained.

If someone does any part of their job during an absence, they will complain bitterly about the quality of work - even if there was nothing wrong with it - as soon as they return.
Credit Takers
Credit taking bullies are those who attempt to take credit for the work of others while complaining bitterly that they "had to do all of the work themselves". These sorts of bullies will take issue with any reports you submit to upper management without having gone through them first. They will exclude their victims from meetings and will present their victim's documents as their own.

Dealing with Workplace Bullying

There's not a lot you can do about workplace bullying, particularly if the bully either has the CEO's ear or works in the human resources department. In both of these cases, the bully may have high levels of access to your file and will attempt to suppress complaints about themselves. If anything, you'll simply draw attention to yourself.

If the bullying is not impacting you too greatly, then you can continue working and just keep copious, unpublished notes about issues. Save the notes for a time when they are really needed.

If, on the other hand, the bullying is affecting you, then start looking for another job. It's worthwhile reporting it but there's little chance you can win.

A Good Read

While not simply on workplace bullying, the following book is a very interesting read on the subject.

Working with Monsters: How to Identify and Protect Yourself from the Workplace Psychopath

by John Clarke

Published by: Random House Australia

ISBN-13: 9781740511544

Year Published: 2005

Australian Online Bookshop

Amazon

Other Posts in this Series

The Rise of Cyberbullying

2011-03-10T19:49:00.004+11:00

Most people seem to think that Cyber-bullying is simply "internet bullying" but the issue is much older than that. Simply put, cyber-bullying means bullying via electronic means. It's already a widespread problem now but the plethora of personal devices becoming available means that unless checked, it may eventually overtake most other forms of bullying.

Not Just an Internet Issue

Cyber-bullying existed long before most people got their hands on the internet. It began life as prank and threatening telephone calls, moved to nasty SMS messages and now has a thriving life on social networking sites. Make no mistake, it's a growing and credible threat. Like other types of bullying, cyber-bullying can have fatal consequences. People have murdered or committed suicide after being cyberbullied.

Note: There's nothing particularly special about the two incidents I linked above. They were just the first two I found. There are hundreds of similar cases reported online.

Different Forms

Just as there are many different forms of normal bullying including physical violence, name calling, pranks, engineering degrading situations, dobbing and rumour-mongering; cyberbullying also takes many forms.

Comment, Chat and Forum Abuse
In this form of cyber-bullying, the bullies post degrading comments on the victim's web sites or blogs. They will also post negative comments on forums directly after (or simply referencing) the victim's posts.

For example; someone may have a blog which is all about cats. A cyber-bully will post off-topic personal comments on their blog. On forum sites, the cyber-bully will repeatedly attack posts by a particular person but not simply because they disagree.

The language of cyber-bullying is extremely negative and targeted. They will attempt to highlight the victims personal weaknesses or sensitivities. In many instances they will bring the victims race or religious or sexual preferences into the the discussion.

Comment spam can often be reduced by having filters on your blog (if you own the blog) and forum spam can often be dealt with by contacting the moderator (person in control) of a given forum. Of course, not all platforms support these anti-bullying measures. Facebook for instance does not screen comments made "friends".

Stalking and Threats using Personal Information
Unlike real-life bullying, cyber-bullying can be initiated by anyone - even people you've never met. It can be quite frightening to find that an unknown person has managed to dig up your personal information and is able to make threats about dropping in for an unscheduled visit.

There's an even more frightening disclosure of information trend that has been building recently where bullies attempt to attract sexual predators to their victims by posting personal details in online wanted advertisements. This is similar to writing "for a good time call ......" on a toilet wall except that there's a much greater chance of repercussions in real life when personal details are exposed on the internet in places where such predators hang out.

There's not a lot you can do to prevent this kind of bullying.

If you can, try to reduce the amount of personal information that you put online but don't forget, it usually only take a little bit of social engineering (ie: a few awkward questions to your friends) to get hold of the obvious details.
Photo and Video Abuse
This is by far the widespread form of internet bullying and it is very much on the rise thanks to the video cameras which are built into all modern smartphones and other devices. Even worse, many of these devices, the Nintendo DS and iPhone for instance, have built-in caricature applications which allow bullies to take photos and then manipulate them to enhance the victim's worst features before posting them online.

Sadly, many people who wouldn't otherwise bully participate in photo and internet bullying without realizing that they're contributing to the problem. The Star Wars kid is a perfect example of this and the despite the heavy involvement of the law, the videos starring him are still available on YouTube today. Remember, once a degrading photo of you is posted online, it will stay there because someone, somewhere would have downloaded a copy. The internet truly is "forever".

Then there are web sites which "specialize" in posting damaging images. (For example; http://www.uglypeople.se/ and http://failblog.org/) not to mention all of those chain letter emails and powerpoint presentations which regularly assault everyone's mailboxes. These things are funny - until they're a picture of you.

There's very little that you can do about photo and video abuse because once you're captured online, these shots spread like wildfire and can be impossible to stop.
Character Assassination
Character assassination occurs when a bully goes all out and creates a page dedicated to destroying your character. Facebook hate pages are probably the best example of this.

Luckily, these types of sites are very easy to take down - simply complain to the ISP or hosting site. They're easily identified and the law is clear about this kind of bullying.
Blocking/Exclusion
The last type of cyber-bullying that I want to cover is "blocking". This is where someone refuses to let you into a moderated online group. In most cases, this is simply a refusal to allow the victim to read or participate in online discussions and activities. This is often combined with "hate-discussions" about the victim.

This is the electronic equivalent of "trash talking someone behind their back".

Again, there's not a lot you can do about this but if nothing else, it's easy to say that anyone else who participates in that group isn't good enough to be your friend.

What can you do about Cyber-bullying?

For a start, don't be tempted to "hit back". Don't play the bullies game because so long as you don't break the law, it will give you some protection.

If you're not an adult, then make sure that your parents know that you're being bullied and that it is affecting you. Many parents have difficulty understanding that certain behaviour is bullying. If your parents have this problem, persevere until they get the message.
Contact the police if the bullies are in your country.
Visit the Stop Cyber-bullying website (http://www.stopcyberbullying.org/) and follow the instructions there.

Other Articles in this series;

Next Time: I want to look at bullying in the workplace.

Bullying Outside of School

2011-03-04T09:00:00.001+11:00

Links to Previous entries in this Series:

So far in this series, I've been concentrating on bullying in school but it's important to note that bullying occurs in all kinds of places where people gather including sporting fields, clubs and bars, tertiary education institutes, social and community groups and even virtual (online) groups.

Bullying in Tertiary Institutes

The chances of bullying in universities,TAFES and other further education institutes rises significantly with exposure. If you're attending tertiary education and staying on campus you have a much higher chance of being bullied than someone who only attends part-time.

Even more importantly though, people who study part-time tend to be more professional, more academic and more inclined to want to complete their education in the shortest time possible. They don't have time to "muck up" and they don't have time for anti-social behaviours such as bullying.

I talked earlier in this series about how certain types of people attract bullies and how it doesn't matter if you change schools, the bullies will still find you. This holds true for tetiary education too. If you were bullied at school, the odds are very high that you will be bullied while in tertiary education. Be prepared. Get a job and do tertiary education part-time.

Bullying on the Social Scene

As a general rule, bullying won't occur in social scenarios if;

You aren't a regular
You don't draw attention to yourself
You don't already know people there

Don't be a regular

If you go to the same bar/club regularly or if you return to a place where you've been bullied before, you will be bullied again. It's certain. There are lots of places to hang out. Go for variety and you'll significantly reduce your chances of being bullied.

Don't draw attention to yourself

If the bullies don't notice you, they won't bully you. Don't try to fit in with a bully crowd. You won't. Instead, leave them alone and keep to yourself (and any friends you've pre-arranged to meet).

Wear non-descript clothing. The more outrageous your clothing or your hairstyle, the greater the chances are of you being noticed and bullied. For example; don't turn up in costume unless you are attending a costume party. If you're male, wearing a pink suit is just "asking for trouble".

If you're female, remember that female clothing is often designed to attract attention. Dress appropriately; for example wearing a long flowing dress to a place where everyone else is wearing jeans will attract unwanted attention. Similarly, if you're often picked on because of your figure, then be aware that even though certain clothing is considered fashionable, it may draw the wrong kinds of attention.

Then there's the matter of behavior. The louder you are, the more likely you are to attract attention. If you try to take over anything that is in short supply, such as a billiards/pool table, you may attract attention and if you're attempt to pick up partners, particularly if it's the bully's girlfriend, you're likely to turn the focus onto yourself.

Similar rules apply for "outrageous table behaviour". For example, a male who buys fancy cocktail drinks with various fruit slices straws and other gadgets sticking out of them will draw a lot of attention. I know these drinks seem very tempting but there's a time and place for them. If you want to try one, do it in a dark bar where you're less likely to be noticed.

Don't hang out with known bullies

The people who bullied you in school usually won't suddenly grow up and become friends when school finishes. If they see you outside of school, they're more likely to resume their bullying. For this reason, if you know that there's a particular place where those bullies like to hang out, then don't go there. There are plenty of other clubs and places that you can go to instead.

Unlike school where bullying usually only occurs when teachers aren't looking, social scene bullying can take place anytime. You can't complain to the bartender or bouncers that you are being bullied. They won't take it seriously and they're more inclined to ask you to leave than the bully. Even worse, bar staff will often tell you and the bully to "take it outside", which is an open invitation for the bullies to become physical. On the social scene, the only way to have authorities stop a bully is to call the police - and even then, they won't do anything unless there is already severe and obvious physical damage. In other words, they won't act until it's too late.

The best defense against social bullying is to not be bullied at all. Remember the three rules and your life will be much better.

Bullying in Formal Social Groups

There are two kinds of formal social groups; moderated and unmoderated ones. Groups which involve kids, such as scouts and guides, youth football teams and other youth sporting groups are usually moderated. This means that they have an adult in charge.

Unless the adult is the bully (which does sometimes happen) moderated social groups operate similarly to school groups. Bullying will usually happen away from the sight of the adults. If you report it, you'll probably be brushed off - and the best way to have it dealt with is to either create a scene or ensure that a caring adult sees the bully in action.

Bullying in unmoderated social groups is a different issue entirely. Unmoderated social groups include adult sports clubs (tennis, football etc), Mother's groups and subject orientated groups such as cooking classes, fan clubs and craft clubs.

Once you begin to attract bullies in an unmoderated social group, you have no choice but to leave the group as quickly as possible in order to avoid further damage to your self-esteem. There is nobody to report the bullying to and there is nothing that anyone can do to stop it.

The biggest problem with unmoderated social groups is that the victim often doesn't realize that they are being bullied until they've taken a whole lot of damage. In particular, mother's groups are often sources of rumor-mongering and exclusion. (see this article for more information).

If if feels wrong... get out.

Next Time

I'll be looking at online (internet) bullying.

The High School bully

2011-03-02T10:00:00.000+11:00

Links:

There are massive differences between the primary school bully and the high school bully and in fact the whole nature of teasing and bullying changes drastically. None of the methods which worked with the primary school bully will work here.

Physical Abuse

High School bullies are generally more verbal and less physical than their primary school counterparts but some bullies become physical within minutes of provocation. The age, and usually greater size, of these bullies means that when they do decide to become physical, they can do a lot of damage. It also doesn't help that bullies are usually not alone.

High school physical abuse moves from having the potential to injure in primary schools to having a slim but increased chance of fatality.

Verbal Abuse

In male bullies, verbal abuse in high school tends to move away from the obvious physical features such as nose size or skin colour which were the target in primary school. Instead, bullying moves into more damaging psychological territory, questioning sexual orientation, intelligence and fashion sense.

That's not to suggest that physical appearance based bullying disappears. It doesn't - and in fact, it may become more intense. The difference is that bullying becomes much more targeted in the teen years and bullies seem to know exactly where their victim's self esteem weak points are.

Female Abuse

Female verbal abuse is far worse than male abuse. Females tend to form cliques (tightly knit social groups with singular communication). The cliques effectively transform a group of taunting voices into a single, much more powerful one. Cliques also tend to last for the remaining years of school and often continue into adulthood.

Typical female categories range from appearance to sexual behaviour and while it's uncommon for physical abuse, it's not unheard of.

Arguably the worst two female bullying techniques are exclusion and rumour-mongering. In exclusion, a female is excluded from various activities, parties, sports and outings. Various excuses are given but most center around the victim's incompatibility with a specific ideal. Appearance, voice, social status and even simply the brand name of their clothing is attacked.

There's no point in rushing around trying to purchase the right brand of clothing in these instances. Once you're a target, you tend to stay a target. Even if you manage to satisfy one criteria, the bullies will quickly find another standard that you fail to measure up to.

Rumour-Mongering

This is a usually speciality of female abuse but one of the signs that a "new age of male sensitivity" is upon us is the increasing incidence of this amongst males. Rumour-mongering occurs when a clique makes up a particularly nasty rumour about an individual. For example; that they have slept with half of the boys in the school, that they have a particular STD or that they have some unseen deformity. The clique then ensure that the rumour reaches the widest audience possible before they begin teasing their victim.

One of the worst things about rumour-mongering is that it has the potential to turn non-bullies into bullies. When people hear strange rumours they often can't help their reaction and depending on how they internalise it, they may not look at a person in the same way again. By doing this, they become bullies whether they mean to or not.

It often starts with a week or so of "funny looks", gestures and comments from people which will make the victim feel very uncomfortable but won't provide any framework. The victim won't know why they are suddenly a target of the whole school. When the teasing really starts, it comes from all sides at once and as victim is usually the only one who is completely oblivious to their supposed actions, they are unable to defend themselves or deny the allegations.

Some of the most important lessons that parents can teach their children are;

Don't believe everything you hear

Don't pass judgement on others

Rumour-mongering is one of the worst and most destructive forms of bullying. Unfortunately, it's usually also the one kind of bullying which slips under everyone's "radar" and isn't addressed until it is too late.

The Risks of Non-Physical Abuse

One of the greatest things about physical abuse is that it leaves cuts and bruises. If your child comes home from school with physical evidence on them, you can question them about bullying. You can present that evidence to the school and you can have it dealt with.

Non-Physical abuse is so much worse simply because there are often no visible scars. You may have a "sullen child" who retreats to their room after school and doesn't talk much at the table. Unfortuantely, this doesn't distinguish them much from normal teenagers. Unless you talk to your children in depth about their day, you simply won't know that there is a problem.

As you can imagine, injuries need to be treated. You know what would happen if you didn't deal with the physical trauma which comes from bullying. Those wounds would become infected and wouldn't heal. Similarly, if you don't deal with the bullying itself, then those wounds are going to be continually re-opened with each new bout of bullying.

The same thing happens with non-physical trauma. Each instance of bullying creates a mental wound which if untreated will be continually re-opened and will eventually scar the individual for life. Non-physical abuse is far, far more dangerous than physical abuse and at its extremes it results in suicide or in major lashouts such as some of the revenge-based shooting incidents at schools in the past few years.

Even at the less extreme end of the scale, physical based abuse can turn otherwise good members of society into vengeful and angry people. It can create individuals with major self esteem problems and it can start a chain of abuse that may perpetuate itself for generations.

Non-physical abuse must be dealt with at least as severely as physical abuse.

Dealing with High School Bullying

It's much harder to deal with high-school bullying than primary school bullying because those bullies are older, are less easily intimidated and are usually more careful about hiding their involvement. The victims are also often less inclined to speak out because by then they know that the system affords them little protection.

Some of the best methods for dealing with High School Bullying include;

Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Get out of the playground and the cafeteria. Spend your time in quieter, safer surroundings such as libraries. You can do this by becoming a library monitor.
Safety in Numbers
You don't have to be super-smart to join a nerd clique. They're not always about people who love mathematics. Sometimes you just need to like Sci-Fi and sometimes all you need to do is be nice to them and hang out with them. Bullies prefer to pick on individuals and will usually ignore a nerd clique.
Backup Friends
Have backup friends who don't go to your school. Scouts are a good example of this. If things turn ugly at school then at least you'll have a group to fall back on.
Parental Involvement
This point is for parents. Don't go to the school to "sort the bullying out" and don't try to give your child crazy advice about making friends, sucking it up or hitting back. Instead, you need to simply try to be there for your child. Take them out alone, listen to them, treat them like adults and help them to build up their self esteem. There are times when you might just be their only friends in the world so don't let them down.

Next Time

Next time I want to look at bullying outside the school and particularly online.

The Primary School Bully

2011-02-25T13:00:00.000+11:00

Bullies are everywhere!

If you've been bullied, then chances are that you met your first bully in primary (elementary) school.

The Tools of the Primary School Bully

The nature of bullying changes as the bullies get older. The first level bullies tend to be much more physical than older children. Bullying is done by pushing, pinching, punching and tripping other children.

Bullying by stealing tends to be more "out in the open", with younger bullies often taking things in plain sight of the owners - in fact, often snatching them from their hands.

Lies are also one of the main weapons in the primary school bully's arsenal. Young bullies can often lie so convincingly that they are instantly believed by teachers.

Verbal bullying is minimal in the early years but as bullies develop their vocabulary, they become adept at hurling insults and abuse at children. It only takes a few choice words from a bully to crumble a child's fragile self esteem and leave a lifetime scar that will not heal.

The Bully's side of the Story

I was planning to cover this near the end of the series (and I still will) but based on feedback from my last post, I need to put in a couple of words to clarify things.

Nobody doubts that many bullies become bullies as a way of taking their frustrations out on others or repeating behavior that they are subjected to at home. Bullies have sad stories too and in a perfect politically correct world, it makes sense for us to sympathize with the bully's side of the story and understand their motives.

I accept that.

There must however be ZERO TOLERANCE for bullying. Bullies need to identified and their mis-behaviour needs to be stopped. School social workers have an obligation to investigate the background of a bully and determine if external factors are contributing to the behaviour but we as parents and victims do not.

Bullying must be taken seriously and it must be stopped!

Believe it or not, in the long run, you provide more benefit to the bully by drawing attention their behavior and ensuring that it is stopped, than by tolerating it.

Forget the "understanding" stage for a moment because the cessation of bullying will improve many lives, not just that of the victim.

Stopping the Primary School Bully

There are lots of theories on how to stop the primary school bully, many of them told to me by my own parents;

Ignore them
Hit them back
Try to be friends with them
Don't play with them
Let me (parent or grandparent) at them
Tell a teacher
Get your parents to talk to a teacher
Hide or Play somewhere else

I've never known any of these methods to work.

You can't hide from bullies - they will seek you out for their own amusement. You can't ignore them because they'll keep attacking you and your self esteem until there's nothing left. Above all, you must never agree with them. Saying "yes, I am ugly" isn't doing you any good at all.

You don't want to be friends with them!! and you're not "playing with them!". Why do your parents always think you are?

Telling teachers doesn't work either. Bullies are excellent liars and can turn the tables pretty quickly. Even worse, if you're found to be "dobbing", then the bullies can turn the whole class against you.

Even telling a principal doesn't seem to work. Principals can't act without concrete evidence and parents are often powerless to intervene. The best they can do is write a letter. Parental intervention in a bullying incident can quickly land a parent in hot water and turn things in the bully's favour.

Bullies are not a problem you can run away from. They're literally everywhere. Even changing schools won't help. Somehow the bullies at your new school will figure out that you're a great target.

The only thing that I've ever found that works with the primary school bully is to get them caught. Remember, these kids aren't necessarily too bright. They're often so fixated with attacking you that they'll chase and hit you whenever the slightest opportunity arises.

My "foolproof" method of bully disposal in primary school was to use myself as bait by waving at the bully when I was in a position which offered a teacher a clear view of the incident. I wouldn't hit back in such a situation but would make enough noise, ideally seconds before the fact, that I'd attract the teacher's attention.

It rarely failed.

It's very hard for a bully to talk themselves out of a scenario which was witnessed from beginning to end by a teacher on supervision duty.

Of course, the other thing that helps is to not be bully-bait. I'll talk about that it a later post.

Next Time: The High School bully (Secondary /Prep School for overseas readers).

Bullies and Bullying - An Introduction

2011-02-22T20:51:00.003+11:00

This post marks the start of a series on bullies and bullying. I'm hoping to cover bullying in primary/elementary school all the way through to the workplace. Along the way, I'll try to provide some handy hints for reducing the impact of bullying and I'll point out some of the ways in which we could be considered bullies ourselves.

Bullying can become quite a problem for people with Asperger's Syndrome. In fact, a child who suffers intense bullying at school can develop into an adult with major life issues. It is a serious problem which won't go away by itself.

What are Bullies?

At it's simplest, bullying is a "dislike of the unlike" carried out in the form of a regular "campaign" against minority groups and/or individuals.

It usually takes a powerful kind of "hate" to be a bully which means that there are usually (fortunately) far fewer bullies than "normal people". Unfortunately however bullies exert their own influence over weak-minded or easily intimidated "stooges".

It's important to recognize the ringleadeer bullies apart from the stooges because no matter how many stooges you remove, a bully can always find more (there's no shortage of "stupid" following people). Cut the head from a bully cell however and the entire cell usually dies.

Did I make this sound like a war against terrorism? Well, sadly it is. Make no mistake, bullies are the lowest form of life that our kids will meet at school.

You might think that all you have to do is "hold on" for a few more years or change schools. It doesn't work that way. Bullies act on perceived weaknesses. If you attracted bullies at one school, you're bound to attract them at another. Even worse, if you've been a target for bullies throughout your school life, you'll find that you're a target for them at work.

The change has to happen within you. You have to make yourself less attractive to bullies.

Next Time

In my next post, I'll look at bullying in primary/elementary schools.

Movie Review: Adam 2009

2011-02-19T08:15:00.004+11:00

Links: IMDB / Rotten Tomatoes 65% out of 119 reviews.

I'd been wanting to see Adam for a long time but somehow I missed it at the movies. Last night, I finally got to sit down and watch it with my wife.

Adam is a romantic drama about a couple in which the male, Adam has aspergers syndrome. Aspergers is specifically mentioned and described in the screenplay and the film makes a very good attempt to show what life could be like for a person with aspergers.

Adam's special interest topic; space, is up there front and centre but his other obsessive behaviour, while hinted at, is generally given a back seat in the story. It's clear that he eats the same meals every day and that he likes to have things lined up but the film doesn't dwell on it. The film also shows some literal interpretations and communications difficulties but again it doesn't dwell. Finally, there's a meltdown shown - again, the film doesn't dwell but moves on with the story.

I think that the fact that the film skirts around the issues rather than dwelling on them is good. It could have been a comedy of quirks but director Max Mayer has wisely kept the focus on the relationship rather than the oddities. As such, there is a lot of heart and realism to the film.

The film begins at Adam's father's funeral (his last surviving parent) and it looks at the difficulties that people with aspergers encounter when trying to become independent. Along the way, we are introduced to Harlan, his mentor and in the course of the film we see just how important it is for aspies to have a mentor.

The film looks at Adam's black and white interpretation of events and the struggle he has to make himself seen and heard. It also looks at things from the other side of the relationship through the eyes of his somewhat too understanding girlfriend.

The accuracy of Hugh Dancy's portrayal as Adam is astonishing, though there were still a few things that my wife and I felt were a little un-aspie. In particular, Adam initiated the first kiss and chose an appropriate moment - this could have been pure luck but it was a fairly un-aspie moment. There are a couple of other places where this sort of thing happens but I won't spoil them for you.

My wife was also not too pleased with the film's abrupt ending but I felt it was more "true to life".

I was expecting a comedy but while there are some funny moments, Adam is first and foremost a drama. It's a film for everyone but especially it's a film for aspies and the neurotypicals who love them.

Adam can be purchased on Amazon;

Article: "Best of the Best: School Edition" by Danette Schott

2011-02-16T08:21:00.003+11:00

Just letting you know that all the articles for the third series of Best of the Best are now available;

The Topic is School Issues

Click here to see the list.

It's all awesome reading on a huge range of topics.

Article: Valentine's Day - "Are Aspies Capable of Love"

2011-02-15T07:58:00.002+11:00

With today being valentine's day for the rest of the world (It was valentine's day yesterday in Australia), my "Are Aspies Capable of Love?" article has been reprinted by Autism West Midlands.

If you missed it, the link is here.

The 'Drag to School' Morning Routine

2011-02-09T13:46:00.003+11:00

This is a "Best of the Best" Post.

School is a drag. Literally.

I'm lucky because being a father, I only have to cope with the school morning routine on my days off. In those instances, I'm a novelty and the kids behave (a little) for me. My wife however has to deal with it every day - and it's not unusual for me to get an early morning phone call asking me to "tell my children something" or clarify "did you say that they could wear [insert ridiculous article of clothing here] to school today?".

I'm sure that getting ready for school is difficult with neurotypical kids but for children on the spectrum, it's enough to make you give up the "rat race" and home school instead.

Waking Up and Getting Dressed
Unless it was a late night the night before, we usually don't have too much trouble getting the boys to wake up. Insomnia is however, commonly associated with Aspergers, so depending upon your particular child, they may wake up but have difficulty doing much else.

For us, getting dressed is a nightmare. My children will often forget non-visible parts of their uniform, like underpants. You might think that your children are flouting your authority by not wearing them but it's more likely to be simply forgetfulness.

As an adult, I can clearly remember times in my childhood - and going all the way up to fifth grade at school where I forgot my underwear. In particular, this happened on sports days when I was already putting my PE uniform underneath my clothes. I'd be concentrating on what I needed to wear and would forget the essentials. It was embarrassing at school and I wasn't happy about it. I certainly didn't do it to be funny or to irritate my parents.

So... before you start to get annoyed at your children for these simple mistakes. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if they aren't already stressed out enough by it.

There's also the matter of finding the uniforms and the issues of fine motor skills. That's right, aspies often have difficulty with fine motor skills on things like buttons. Finding things is difficult too because many aspies have terrible organisational skills.

Finally, there are distractions like rules, TV, siblings, breakfast and toys. My youngest tends to have rules about everything and can get into a tizz if he doesn't have breakfast BEFORE he gets dressed. That was a good rule when he was younger and couldn't eat breakfast without spilling it all over himself but now that he can, it just gets in the way of things. It's better to have breakfast as a "reward" for when you're changed than to allow it to slow down the whole morning routine.

A note for dads. Don't be tempted to do cool things for breakfast on weekends. I put honey on my son's breakfast on Saturday and Sunday one weekend. From that point onwards he insisted that he have honey on it every day. It was bad enough when it was simply making his uniform sticky but then when it suddently ran out, it caused chaos, a meltdown and a refusal to go to school until breakfast was served "properly". My wife gave me hell for that one.

Some helpful rules
Some of the best morning rules you can enact with your spectrum children when getting ready for school are;

ALL Clothes to be laid out on their floor in a "body pattern" the night before - with inner layers (underwear etc) on TOP.
Only one child is allowed in the bathroom at any one time.
No toys, books or other non-clothing items to be handled before you are dressed.
Dressing to occur in (separate) bedrooms only, away from the distractions of siblings, TV and breakfast.
No breakfast until you pass clothing inspection.

Yes, I know it all sounds a little rigid but that's exactly what children with aspergers need. Routines and Rules.

The Best of the Best Series

2011-02-07T09:11:00.004+11:00

I want to briefly talk about the best of the best series because up to this point, I haven't introduced it properly.

The Best of the Best series was devised by Danette Schott of Help! S-O-S for Parents. It's a great site, so if you haven't visited, please do.

The idea behind the Best of the Best series is for a group of bloggers to all post different viewpoints on a shared topic at the same time. This is great because if you don't find that my particular view suits your situation, you may find that someone else's does.

You'll find Danette's rules for the Best of the Best here.

You'll find a list of the bloggers who are officially part of the best of the best series here.

Note: This is not some kind of secret club. If you're a blogger and if these topics seem to be in your area, then please get in touch with Danette and join in. The more, the merrier - and the better the chances that we'll provide well-rounded and balanced information.

So far there have been two best of the best topics;

Topic 1: Autism and Treatment Options

Here is the Best of the Best page with everyone's articles linked on it.
Here is my post on the topic; Autism Acceptance.

Topic 2: Social and Play Skills

Here is the Best of the Best page with everyone's articles linked on it.
Here is my post on the topic; Accepting the Child who doesn't engage during Play.

From now on, I'll start marking and tagging my posts when they're part of a best of the best series.

EBooks and Compulsive Collecting

2011-02-04T07:40:00.006+11:00

I was reading an article on author Tobias Buckell's views on eBook piracy a couple of days ago and was struck by a couple of key paragraphs where he refers to compulsive collectors who have the urge to collect but not necessarily read.

"Consider hoarders. These are pirates who literally attempt to find every single book online that they can. These pirates are well documented. They’re obsessive collectors, list makers, compelled by something other than a love of literature."

I could really relate to that paragraph and I started to think about how some aspies with OCD comorbids like myself and people with general obsessive compulsive disorders could get themselves into a lot of trouble over internet piracy - for the wrong reasons.

Some time ago I bought a CD from Corel. It was called World's Greatest Classic Books and it had "over 3,500" books in Envoy (.EVY) format which was at one time being positioned as a competitor to PDF.

I never actually read any of those books because I couldn't get comfortable reading large amounts of text on a PC Screen.

I've since gotten myself a cheap eBook reader (a MiGear) which cost half the price of the cheapest Kindle and is colour too. It's comfortable enough that I can read books on it.

I took two weeks holiday recently. It's the longest holiday I've taken in years. One week we spent on a cruise (the less said about that the better, though you can read the first two parts of the story here and here). The rest of the time I spent at home.

I'm not the sort of person who can spend time at home without getting at least a few projects done but not all of them make sense. In this case, one of the projects I completed was the conversion of those 3500+ books to PDF format to use on my reader.

It wasn't an easy conversion by any means. I had to open each book up, print it to PDF Format and rename it. All of the files were similarly named (eg: EBOOK00042.EVY) so I renamed all of them to reflect their author and title. I also arranged them into folders based on their author.

It was a lot of work and I'm still not sure whether I'll read those particular books but I feel good that the job has been done. Some I definitely won't bother with but at least I have them and at least they're categorised and in order.

It's an impulse that I have little control over but I feel better now.

They don’t actually read the author’s work, they just want the book to have it. Many online pirates have tens of thousands of books or more. They’re not reading them. They’re scratching some other itch.

- Tobias Buckell**

(**an author I'd never heard of before this and maybe I'll read one of his books - or maybe not).

Book Review: "How to Teach Life Skills to Kids with Autism or Asperger's" by Jennifer McIlwee Myers

2011-02-03T08:25:00.006+11:00

"How to Teach Life Skills to Kids with Autism or Asperger's" is a very practical book which will have you itching to try out a whole bunch of new techniques and strategies with your children before you're even a quarter of the way through.

I was really looking forward to reading this book because although there are lots of "autism stories" and "what is autism?" books, there are comparatively few practical guides - and even then, most of those focus on coping as a neurotypical parent or on "problem solving" rather than teaching practical skills that you can use in everyday situations.

The first few chapters are all background material about the author. They're mostly necessary because you need to know where she's coming from. After that however it's "all go" on advice you can really use.

Layout and Style

I was expecting a book full of headings, tables, cute little diagrams, separate (boxed) examples and lists but surprisingly, the whole thing is prose.

This means that compared to other books of its size (a little over 300 pages), this book covers a lot more ground.

At first the "wall of text" may seem a little daunting but the chapters are short (under 10 pages each) and they stay on topic. Jennifer's writing style is also very easy to read and if you have nerdish tendencies, you'll discover that it's full of subculture references which keep it fresh, interesting and fun.

Coverage

The book covers an amazing array of topics including: meeting people, proper greetings, table manners, teaching financial independence, road safety, choosing appropriate attire, standing up for your rights, kindness, positive attitudes and (gulp) chores.

You might be thinking that this must be a book for people with older children but it's not - it's made very clear that you have to start young. Most of the examples in the book seem to be aimed at children who are about seven years or older but there are toddler and preschooler references too.

Suitability

Despite the title, this isn't just a book for parents. I found myself fascinated by some of the social rituals that Jennifer describes and I learned a lot which I'll have to adjust in my life. Is hand shaking really as complicated as all that? I've just realised that I've been doing a lot more social things wrong that I thought. No wonder I get strange looks at times.

Not to worry though because Jennifer also includes a lot of info on handling "failures" gracefully. An essential skill for perfectionists.

Throughout the book, Jennifer explains a lot of things from an aspie point of view. She shows how aspie rules and literalisms can produce some very unexpected interpretations. It was interesting to note that sometimes my aspie interpretations had led me to the same conclusions and sometimes I had reached different but equally "crazy" conclusions.

I was also surprised to note that in some cases, I have the same behaviour patterns but was unaware of my own motivations. It got me thinking and understanding more about myself.

Lasting Impact

This isn't one of those books that you read once and "put away". You're going to want to refer to it quite a bit. In fact, there's so much information in the book that the details fade very quickly. I already feel like I need to re-read some chapters before I try some of the techniques.

Jennifer makes it clear that you can't suddenly go from "nothing" to implementing all of the techniques in the book. It will take time and you'll get the best results by introducing new techniques and house rules slowly and at appropriate moments. In some cases, you may need to wait until your children reach certain milestones.

This is a book that you're going to need to keep for the long term and you'll need to re-read certain sections as and when they become more relevant.

Every parent and every aspie should have this book. It's brilliant.

You can obtain a copy of "How to Teach Life Skills to Kids with Autism or Asperger's" by Jennifer McIlwee Myers from Amazon or Future Horizons.

Honesty Clause: I was provided with a review copy of this book free of charge.

An Interview on Aspergian Tales

2011-02-01T14:41:00.002+11:00

Just in case you missed it, I've been interviewed on Aspergian Tales.

see: Monday Meet and Greet: Life with Aspergers.

Writing an Introductory Letter for Your Aspie (or other Special Needs) Children

2011-01-31T10:52:00.003+11:00

Mothers all over Australia are celebrating today because the school holidays are over and the kids are finally back to school. Some kids go back willingly, some are a little apprehensive and some are terrified. For many children the terror stems from the idea of change. Some are changing schools but most are simply changing clasess and teachers.

First impressions count and if the new teacher is new to aspergers - or simply new to your child, then sometimes those first few days can have an impact which affects your child's relationship with their teacher for the remainder of the year.

The first couple of weeks are your opportunity to make a big positive impact on your child's first impressions of their new teacher (and on the teacher's first impressions on you and your child). You need to make sure that you take advantage of this period.

Why a Letter?

Your child's new teacher will have an eventful first week with loads of parents talking about their children. It's going to be overwhelming and in many cases, the conversations will occur before the teacher has learned the children's names. Most of what is said in those initial conversations will be forgotten or worse - attributed to the wrong child.

There's an intense period of parental interaction before and after school and then suddenly it all stops. The teacher goes home and tries to remember and absorb all of the days input.

A letter is different. A letter can be read and re-read anytime and the teacher can save the information for a time when they are feeling particularly receptive. Even better, the teacher can make sure that they know which student the letter refers to.

A letter can become part of your child's student record. If the classroom has several teachers, then it may be passed from one to another. Instead of the other teachers simply inheriting the impressions of your child's current teacher, they will get the whole story direct from the source.

Finally, a letter invites reply. If the teacher has any questions about your child or anything covered in the letter, they will get back to you.

When should you give the Teacher the Letter?

It doesn't really matter if you give the letter to the teacher before or after school - or if you send it (sealed) with your child. The teacher will read the letter when they're ready.

It is however, best to provide the letter sometime after the first day of school. Wait until the flow of paperwork has died down a little so that it won't get lost. Just don't wait too long or you'll miss out on those vital first impressions.

Any time in the first three weeks (except for the first days of school), is appropriate.

About the Letter

Here's a few things you should include in your letter;

Your child's name and a photo (preferably printed onto the letter rather than being attached). This will help the teacher to identify your child and learn their name.
Your name and contact details for yourself and your spouse. It would also be good if you could include a line or two inviting the teacher to feel free to ask any questions they want about your child's condition/needs.
The correct name and a description of your child's condition. It's not sufficient for example, to simply say that your child is an "aspie". You need to use correct terms so that the teacher can look it up on the internet and understand it.
Symptoms to watch out for. These should be real-world examples. Your child may, for example, be quite obsessed by rules. When other children break particular rules (in my son's case by telling lies about him), this can provoke a meltdown.
Information on how to calm your child down. Some children like to be touched while others do not. If your child has particular sensitivities, these should be noted. Perhaps your child responds best to a quiet voice, or better to a stern one.
Tips which have worked in the past. For example; my youngest child had trouble sitting still and respecting personal boundaries in floor time. Giving him a carpet circle to sit on significantly reduced this problem.
Information on your child's particular obsessions. If your child is into Star Wars for example, this can help your teacher to bond with them. They may suggest Star Wars themed topics for writing or drawing assignments.
Information about your child's social interactions. If your child struggles socially, you might want to mention who his friends are. Perhaps the teacher can include some of his friends in group work. Don't assume that your child will automatically let the teacher know if he feels left out of a group.

Writing a introductory letter can strengthen the bond between your child and their new teacher. Get this right and you will provide the teacher with the understanding and techniques necessary to make your child's school year a great one.

Accepting the Child who doesn't Engage during Play

2011-01-12T22:33:00.002+11:00

Some of the biggest issues that children with aspergers and other forms of autism tend to face are social ones and in the early years these tend to be most obvious during play.

Children with aspergers often have no idea how to join in games or how to play co-operatively. While other children will play with toy boats in water, children on the spectrum may simply sprinkle water on their hands and enjoy the feeling.

Parent concerns are often pushed aside with the phrase, "it's a sensory issue".

Then there's parallel play, where the child will sit with a group of other children and play similar games but not make eye contact and not engage in discussions or interplay.

Again, parents are often told to expect the worst. Their child won't socialise, won't interact and isn't friendly.

Finally, there's lone-play, where a child will go into a corner and will line up cars, organise toy kitchen utensils or simply cuddle up to some soft toys.

In this case, parents are often told that their child lacks the imagination to play.

None of these things are true.

A Different Perspective

It's funny but before being placed on the spectrum, I never really thought about how things must have appeared to others. I have good memories of my play years and from my perspective, there was nothing wrong. It's only now that I think about it as a parent that I realize how my behavior must have concerned my parents and my teachers.

Firstly, there's the sensory issues. There's just no getting around the fact that we have particular sensory likes and dislikes. The feeling of water dripping between my fingers has always been one of my likes.

Put me near a bowl of water and sooner or later, I'm bound to put my fingers in it - even as an adult. Those sensory callings are very strong.

It would however be a mistake to presume that I wasn't engaged in some form of play - and usually, that play was "inside my head". My fingers would be an octopus, a jellyfish or some other sea creature. I didn't need to play with a boat for that. I could play and indulge my sensory needs at the same time.

Then there's parallel play. This is where the communication issues that children on the spectrum have really become apparent. Again, it would be a mistake to presume that no imaginative play was occuring. In fact, most of my play was imagination - arguably much more so than my peers.

The problem was that I simply never communicated my play to my peers but believe me; at times, I tried. I guess that my imagination was always far more complex than my ability to explain. Other children would not follow my rules, particularly my unspoken ones. They would change my games, take over and worst of all, they would make a grab for the "best" toys. I quickly learned that the best play for me didn't necessarily require the involvement of other children - of course, that lesson didn't come without a few meltdowns along the way.

There was also the issue of eye contact. At the time, I didn't know what it was. I just didn't like looking at those other children and I didn't like them looking at me. Now however, I can see the issue for what it truly was.

Parallel play may not seem ideal but it does signify that your child is playing and being imaginative. It also shows that your child likes being around other children. Try not to dwell on the negatives - there are a lot of positives here.

The final form of play, lone-play is less healthy though in the absence of other children, it's perfectly acceptable.

Like many parents, my parents weren't terribly interested in playing "toys" with me. Their interest tended to stop at board and sporting games. My sister was into "girl things" and had a cliche of friends. Growing up, most of my home play time was by myself.

I would often spend my time setting things up but not actually "playing" with them. I'd line my cars up and then sit and look at them for hours. The same thing happened when I was older with my Star Wars figures and vehicles.

It would be a huge mistake however for my parents to have deemed my play unimaginative.

All of my matchbox cars had names.

All of them had occupations and background-stories.

They would line up in "meetings" and those meetings always had a purpose. Sometimes it would be a trial, sometimes a car would attempt a leadership coup and sometimes the cars would be forced to pick sides. Obviously I didn't have the words to suggest these things but the concepts were certainly there in my imaginative play. Perhaps I got the ideas from things which were happening at school - I'm not sure.

All of my cars had voices and they all had conversations.

I'd look at my cars arrranged in neat rows and their voices would "talk in my head". Occasionally I'd move the cars into a different pattern, when they needed to vote but mostly the cars remained in formation. Almost all of the play was in my head.

I've already mentioned that the same thing happened with my Star Wars figures but you might be surprised to learn that it also happened with my stuffed animals, my blankets and my bed. Every night, prior to sleeping, an adventure would take place. I'm sure that if I wrote those adventures down, they'd make popular children's stories. Every night was different and sometimes my bedroom floor would be space, sometimes it would be sea and sometimes it would be land.

Wrapping Up

I realize that I haven't presented any magic therapy to get your children to socialise more or play "better". I haven't even dismissed their behavour as "wrong".

It isn't wrong.

Once again, I'm advocating acceptance. Your child will play when they are ready and when they want to. The best you can do is provide them with optional, not enforced, opportunities.

Most of all, as parents, we should not be so quick to judge. Often there is a lot more going on than meets the eye.

Chewing Issues and Chewelry

2011-01-04T06:19:00.000+11:00

A lot of children on the spectrum or with other sensory needs have tendency to seek oral stimulation by chewing. In fact, chewing issues are far more common than you'd think and they have a lot of negative implications. In this post, I look at some of the chewing issues my children (and I) have and look at a great product for reducing the problem.

Chewing on Shirts

In my eldest son's case, his chewing mainly affects his clothing. He chews on his shirt collars, fronts and sleeves and his clothes often look tattered after only having been worn once or twice.

There are a lot of negatives associated with chewing. For a start, chewing tends to bring children to the attention of bullies - particularly when the child has to walk around with a buttonless shirt or a shirt with holes in the front.

Then there's the smell. It doesn't take long for chewed shirts to stink. In fact, they usually start to smell after a few hours. You can imagine the sorts of social issues this causes.

Then, there's the cost. Shirts aren't cheap - particularly school shirts. Even worse, chewing on branded objects such as a school hat with a logo, a scout scarf or heaven forbid a scout shirt covered in badges can result in some signficant costs.

Finally, there's the matter of self-esteem. The reaction of others to chewing and even the constant correction from parents can make a child lose their self worth. These children don't want to chew. They don't set out to destroy their clothing just to make their parents angry. They're chewing to settle their nerves in much the same way as we subconsciously scratch an itch.

Other Manifestations of Chewing

It's funny but when my eldest son first started chewing, my initial reaction was; "I don't know why he chews. I didn't chew when I was younger". Then a few days later I looked down at the top of the pen I was using and I remembered how my pens and pencils at school didn't run out - they always got eaten first.

My parents eventually gave me a metal parker pen to prevent me from chewing it. It didn't get chewed, but it did rust. I didn't have the same chewing issues as my son, mine simply manifested in different ways. Even worse, I can remember having bleeding gums from the sharp edges of my pen as my chewing turned it from a mere writing implement to an instrument of self-harm. If only I had something safer to chew on.

I've also noticed that my youngest child is constantly hungry, even five minutes after a major meal. He was always mouthing and chewing toys as an infant and indeed he often still does it now though usually he'll go after food instead.

He's not really hungry for food. He's hungry for sensation.

Chewelry: A Neat Solution to the Chewing Problems

A few months ago, I won a contest on the Gift blog. and got some Chewelry for my children. I'd actually been looking at the site with intent to buy but the heart shapes and pastel colors were putting me off. They looked a little "babyish" for my kids (aged 7 and 10).

At the time I won the competition, my son had just eaten a hole in his NEW school shirt and things were tough at home. He was also drawing a lot of undue attention to himself at school and scouts by eating his clothing and as you can imagine, his mother and I weren't too happy either.

I chose black and white chewelry and went for a circle shape because I thought it would be less obvious and more masculine. My wife later asked my why I hadn't gone for the blue one which matched his school uniform shirt (now I understand the colour range).

The black and white chewelry has a sort of "ying-yang" feel to it and we got the version with the lanyard rather than the pin-on version. This has turned out well because more often than not, my son chews on the lanyard rather than the chewelry.

That's not to say that the chewelry iself is unchewed, simply that it's not as popular as the lanyard. The best thing though is that while he's wearing it, he's not chewing his shirt. The smell seems to have gone and despite our fears, none of his peers have given him the slightest bit of trouble over the chewelry.

The only problem we have now is finding it when he's gotten changed and dumped his clothes on the floor. He likes it and understands how it helps him but remembering to put it on in the morning is a different thing altogether.

It's surprising how a small thing like this can make such an improvement in his life.

You can browse and buy Chewelry online at http://www.chewelry.ca/ and you'll find a lot of other information on chewing stims on their blog site at http://kidcompanions.blogspot.com/.

Don't Underestimate Your Children's Ability to Cope with Change

2010-12-30T08:32:00.003+11:00

In the lead up to Christmas this year, there were a lot of blog posts about coping with Christmas and helping your children cope with Christmas.

It was interesting to see how those blog posts covered all manner of topics dealing with;

Crowds and over-stimulation
Relatives who couldn't (or didn't want to) understand your child's issues
"Surprise" Management
Junk food issues
Travel difficulties
Gift-Reaction Management
General change management (because Christmas throws every routine out)

There were all kinds of discussions about preparing your child and family for Christmas. Some of them, if read by the wrong people would have made the children seem like "spoiled brats" and some were against the very nature of Christmas (in my opinion only).

An Example from our household

I'm quite big on "surprises", so I don't generally like surprise management tactics where you let your child know what to expect as a gift. This year, our kids got a new trampoline. In the lead up to Christmas I did mention a few times that we'll probably have get rid of the old one soon because it looks like it's about to break. In fact, the trampoline cooperated with me by unexpectedly "throwing a spring" at the boys a few days before Christmas. I never hinted that we'd get a new one but hinting that the old one would need to go soon was the way I did my surprise management.

Learning the Hard Way

When I think back to when I was young and the times when I was less than gracious, it seems to me that sometimes surprise management is a bit unnecessary. Sometimes the child simply needs to learn "the hard way".

I can remember one year, asking my parents for a bike. In further discussions, they told me how expensive it was and I changed my mind and told them that I didn't want one. They'd obviously already bought one by then, so I think I probably caused them a lot of discomfort.

It wasn't that I didn't want the bike but that I'd realised that if I got a bike, I'd get less presents generally. It was a greed thing.

On Christmas morning I was initially quite disappointed to find that I had a bike but then when I discovered that I had other presents, I calmed down and relaxed. That bike was the best Christmas present I ever got. I had it for years and I rode it everywhere. My initial reactions are long forgotten but everyone remembers my years of love of the bike.

I find that even as an adult, I have this kind of issue. Sometimes it's greed sometimes it's simply my analytical mind. Sometimes I get a present which doesn't fit into my world and I'm ungracious. I wish I could stop that initial reaction but I can't. Sometimes it takes me a few days, even weeks to become accepting of a present. I can remember my mother getting used to the fact that I had to have a new shirt hanging in my closet for a month or two before I could wear it.

Surprise management would help in some cases because then I could get used to the idea before the "gifting". Unfortunately, that would take away the joy of the initial reaction. I also genuinely love surprises which fit immediately into my world and would resent these moments being taken away from me.

The point is that I adapt. At these times my own surprise management kicks in and I think I learn a lot about myself every time it happens. I don't want someone to "surprise manage" me - and I sometimes wonder if our children feel the same way.

Obviously this isn't going to work for every child but sometimes I think you do need to let the child learn to self-manage. Sometimes they need to understand how the wrong reactions can hurt people and sometimes they need to simply learn to cope by themselves.

It all works out... eventually

It was nice to read all the follow-up posts on people's blogs. I think I only read one "bad Christmas story" and that was all due to unsympathetic relatives. The kids all coped really, really well. In fact, they coped so well that I wonder how much of that coping was due to pre-Christmas preparation and how much was due to the kids simply "coping".

I'm not advocating a complete absence of pre-Christmas preparation for your child. I certainly had a good talk with my kids about showing appreciation for gifts and about not having a meltdown. The general rule was, be good on the day because "we can fix it later". I talked about one child getting a "better" present, or someone getting something they already had or didn't like. I also covered sharing and what to do if one of their gifts suddenly broke.

I think that talk was critical.

I also talked to the boys about taking time out, what to do if they felt stressed or overloaded.

This year, since we were at our own house, that was less critical but it was still a discussion worth having. At least the boys know that they have somewhere to go if it all gets too much.

I just feel that to go much further is to over-manage and that children will find their own ways of coping. Sometimes they can surprise you with their abilities and after all, if you don't let them exercise their coping skills, how are they expected to develop them?

Book Review: "Sensory Parenting: From Newborns to Toddlers" by Britt Collins and Jackie Linder Olson

2010-12-21T07:53:00.004+11:00

Sensory Parenting: From Newborns to Toddlers

Parenting is easier when your child's senses are happy!

by Britt Collins, MS, OTR/L and Jackie Linder Olson

ISBN: 978-193556722-6

Published by Future Horizons

You could be forgiven for thinking that this was just another ordinary baby book. Indeed it's not until about the third chapter that the differences really begin to hit you. Of course, those differences have been there all along, just more subtly in those early chapters.

Sensory parenting has been written by the Parent-Paediatric Team of Jackie Linder Olsen and Britt Collins and they're the ideal team for a baby book. Jackie provides a wealth of special needs parenting experience while Britt's experience comes across in the amazing array of therapies.

Normally such tag-team books can leave you a little disorientated but they've gone to great lengths to speak in "one-voice" throughout and aside from a few obvious chapters, and some scattered comments, it's not particularly obvious who is "speaking" at any one time.

Even better, when outside opinion is solicited, it's first-hand. The book contains short interviews with several practitioners, therapists and parents, all with their own particular strengths and points of view. In the appendices it includes feedback from interview questions with a panel of mothers and links to a variety of informative web sites.

At 300 pages and with very few illustrations, this is one densely packed volume.

Preparation and Newborns

My first reaction when I discovered where this book starts was sadness. Those critical early chapters are mostly going to miss their main audience. After all, they start before the baby is born and cover important topics like building a sensory-friendly nursery and making your house as sensory friendly as possible.

The problem is; who buys "baby-with-sensory-issues" books for a baby still in the womb?.

This is where genetics comes into play. If you already have one sensory child, there's good odds that there could be another. If you've got a pregnant friend with sensory issues, genetics may again be a factor - be a great friend and get her this book.

If the baby turns out to not have sensory issues, this is still a great baby book packed with good and practical advice.

Toddlerdom

This is where the book really comes into its own. The book covers the five senses, plus a couple more. It doesn't just explain their sensitivities from a baby/toddlers point of view, it covers a variety of things you can do to reduce their impact. Most importantly though, it covers natural therapies you can use to actually decrease the severity of those sensory issues.

It's all natural therapy, from light therapy for the eyes, aromatherapy for the nose, music therapy for the ears, baby massage and acupressure for the skin and several others.

More than just a baby book

At first glance, this seems to be a normal baby book. It's got lists of the major developmental milestones and it has information on potty training and tantrum handling. On sensory issues however, the book steps well outside the realm of normal parenting books.

It covers less common topics such as pets, choosing a nanny and interacting with siblings but it does so in a specific sensory manner. The nanny sections talk about the importance of a handover period and why it matters more to a sensory child. It gives tips on how to find the best person for the job and what qualities to look out for.

The pet sections talk about the sensory differences between dogs and cats, which is unusual in itself in a baby book - but then it goes on to cover ferrets, fish, rabbits, reptiles and even rats. Yes... it's that comprehensive.

The book is also fairly non-judgemental. It doesn't agonise over the benefits of breast versus bottle but gets right into the sensory issues associated with each - and how to reduce them. I did detect an overly "natural" push to it and in some places it seems to go overboard in detoxification but these are sensory issues and they are very relevant to the material.

There are also some amazing stories from mothers who have helped their babies through some very difficult sensory issues. I was particularly moved by the story of Zaky's "hands".

All in all, this is one of the most informative parenting books I've read. It's very factual and it doesn't even attempt humour but sticks solidly to the topic. If you have a sensory baby or toddler, you need this book and if you don't, it's still one of the better baby books.

Sensory Parenting: From Newborns to Toddlers is available from Future Horizons and Amazon.

Honesty Clause: I was sent a copy of this book to review at no charge

Article: Carnival of S-O-S 1: Autism and Treatment Options

2010-12-16T09:14:00.003+11:00

Danette Schott from the SOS Research Blog is hosting a blog carnival which I'm very proud to be a part of.

The topic is on Autism and Treatment Options and it contains 22 great posts from some of the most experienced people in the field and on a wide variety of subjects.

The topics include; weighted blankets, social stories, speech therapy, sign-language, toys, pets, deep pressure, cognitive therapy and Chinese Medicine therapy. I was surprised to find that there was even an article on therapeutic horseback riding.

Thanks Danette for organising the carnival. If you're interested in treatment options for autism, there is now a great group of articles which can all be referenced in one place.

To go to the carnival, click here or go to;

http://sos-research-blog.com/12/carnival-of-s-o-s-edition-1-autism-and-treatment-options/

Book Review: Craig Lancaster's "Comfort and Joy"

2010-12-14T17:10:00.003+11:00

Just letting you know that Craig Lancaster, author of 600 Hours of Edward has released a short story for Christmas. The story is available in several formats including Kindle and several other formats including EPub and PDF.

Unlike 600 Hours of Edward, this story isn't about Aspergers but it is a touching tale of loss and human nature and it makes a surprisingly good Christmas tale.

The story is about 30 pages long and it's a great read. To say any more would spoil things.

The ebook is currently selling for $1 and all proceeds go to the Charity; Feeding America (http://www.feedingamerica.org/)