tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post1820566227437955838..comments2024-03-19T08:40:36.481+11:00Comments on Life with Aspergers: Finding Conversational Balance - Part 2: What Aspies Want from a RelationshipGavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-54492222990023727772012-08-09T15:44:28.973+10:002012-08-09T15:44:28.973+10:00I realize this is an older post but I'm new to...I realize this is an older post but I'm new to it and I wanted to thank you. I believe that my boyfriend has undiagnosed Aspergers. I want very deeply to understand what I can about him without making him feel "other" which he seems to feel about the topic. I have been scouring the internet for clues on how to make him feel respected and loved in his own love language and have been sorely disappointing. Most of what I have found has been for Aspies about how to show their partner that they love them but none on how to "speak in aspie." Your blog has given me far better insight into how to show that I love my boyfriend because I understand how different our love languages are. I would love more information on this but you have filled in so much already. thank you!Jamiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08935979730010166424noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-60079856609095885812012-08-09T15:43:07.056+10:002012-08-09T15:43:07.056+10:00I realize this is an older post but I'm new to...I realize this is an older post but I'm new to it and I wanted to thank you. I believe that my boyfriend has undiagnosed Aspergers. I want very deeply to understand what I can about him without making him feel "other" which he seems to feel about the topic. I have been scouring the internet for clues on how to make him feel respected and loved in his own love language and have been sorely disappointing. Most of what I have found has been for Aspies about how to show their partner that they love them but none on how to "speak in aspie." Your blog has given me far better insight into how to show that I love my boyfriend because I understand how different our love languages are. I would love more information on this but you have filled in so much already. thank you!Jamiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08935979730010166424noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-85563599382893314002010-10-21T06:30:20.653+11:002010-10-21T06:30:20.653+11:00I've become more and more aware of the types o...I've become more and more aware of the types of social engagements that I like and dislike. High energy or deeply intellectual; I feed off of those situations; with no need for eating or sleeping, I just keep going! (all the gusto of a special interest).<br /><br />Despite the fact that I love socializing, I still have my 2 nemeses, Small Talk and Relaxing.<br /><br /><i>Fun<br />How to make time together to just relax and enjoy the moment. To linger over a nice meal, a walk in nature, or a special recreational activity. To be able to do so in silence, {...}. Just to be there....together. </i><br />The above makes me anxious. In these moments, I am uncomfortably aware of our differences, for I am not able to bond in this way. The silence feels like alienation, rather than contentment.<br /><br /><br />Touch<br />Apparently I may be hyper sensitive, because, when I was younger, I was told by my best friend, of 4yrs) that we never come into physical contact. He had always noticed; I wasn't even aware of the fact that I never initiated it.<br /><br />Now I pat people on the shoulder, for reassurance, or when I'm attempting to 'demonstrate bonding'. Positive results: )<br /><br />One quirk of mine, is that I cannot stand to touch people when they are in a highly emotional state. I almost feel like I will become 'infected' by their feelings. For me, intense passion is a mild repellent. Their feelings will sometimes seep into me, which can be very uncomfortable.Andreashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02934641845361383327noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-44441393088084466572008-12-11T22:23:00.000+11:002008-12-11T22:23:00.000+11:00I actually read this post a while back, and while ...I actually read this post a while back, and while it was a good post, I left no comment, because I felt you had said things well enough. <BR/>After an update to my reader, it reset all the blogs that I had marked as read, an so I ended up re-reading it.<BR/>It was at this point, that I realized that you had left a topic out, that should probably have been touched on. <BR/>I know in your article, you wrote that you did indeed leave out the obvious, and maybe this is one of those things you consider obvious, I dont know.<BR/>For me, have a relationship with an NT requires something I dont get from everyone else.<BR/>A sense of, "belonging", of, "normality". <BR/>Does my wife know I'm "weird"? Yes, but rather than treat me like a circus show act, she doesn't just, "tolerate it", she accepts it as a part of who I am. <BR/>Unlike some friends I've had, who, at worst, treated me like something novel, and "neat" to hang around with, she allows me to be free without any sort of judgment from her.<BR/>So in that, I get the sense of "belonging", that I searched so long for.<BR/>She doesn't treat me like I have, "special needs".<BR/>Sometimes, when in a social situation, I might not get something, and She might have to explain it, or let me know I misinterpreted something, but she isn't doing it to make me feel less, she is actually trying to help me.<BR/>This is what makes me feel like I am normal. <BR/>In fact, we both realize the benefit that we provide to each other. We are wonderfully balanced.<BR/>You've all heard the saying, "You complete me".<BR/>Well, that's true for both of us. We realized it, even before either of us had heard about Aspergers. <BR/>In all the areas that I am weak in, she is strong in them. In the areas that she is weak in, I am strong. Ironically, none of those things are the reasons that we fell in love, or got married, these are things we began to see after we had been married for 5 years.<BR/>And, on the 16th of this month, we will have been married for 13 years, so we must be doing something right!<BR/>Cheers! and good luck to all of you trying to find that someone special to make your world better, just try to do the same back when you do!Nachtus01https://www.blogger.com/profile/12202186398041109201noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-48817670762372112272008-11-29T04:56:00.000+11:002008-11-29T04:56:00.000+11:00Personally, I d-e-t-e-s-t hugs, often even from my...Personally, I d-e-t-e-s-t hugs, often even from my wife. A few years ago I was involved with several progressive nonprofits and, at the end of meetings, someone always seemed to suggest a group hug or holding hands in a circle. Yuk!<BR/><BR/>I always begged off the hugging and my comrades got used to the fact that I chose to stand outside the circle.<BR/><BR/>I can really, really relate to the alone-time. I probably spend 70% of each day alone -- at least from human contact. We have lots of pets (3 cats & 2 dogs), so I'm rarely truly alone.<BR/><BR/>I used to be a conference planner. Generally, lunch time was when attendees got together to network and socialize. The old joke at these events was "Where's Trey?" At lunch, I went home to decompress from humanity in utter silence. After the event had ended, I would need several days of alone-time before I would reemerge.The Rambling Taoisthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04730292897416827840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-25316845200010739072008-11-26T05:28:00.000+11:002008-11-26T05:28:00.000+11:00Your preferences line up pretty well with mine. Go...Your preferences line up pretty well with mine. Good post.wrongshoeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09790543253481747149noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-57493671299146843312008-11-26T02:52:00.000+11:002008-11-26T02:52:00.000+11:00I'd like to identify a few of the areas in which I...I'd like to identify a few of the areas in which I, as an NT, have had difficulties in close relationship to an Aspie. I don't pretend to think that these are universal experiences. But I think we are not so very different in our basic human need for love. How that need is fulfilled seems to be the problem inherent in the Aspie/NT dynamic.<BR/><BR/>Communication<BR/><BR/>It seems to me that Asperger's is both a strength and a weakness. I have observed a steady, intellectual strength in my Aspie friend, which is both fascinating and remarkable in it's intensity; that is, until he has a meltdown. It seems <BR/>when there are too many stressors in his environment, he becomes a different person (not unlike an NT). These situations <BR/>often lead to depression and withdrawal, wherein he neglects communication between us...for days at a time. This type of neglect is very hurtful. It leads to sadness, disconnect and the feeling of being uncared and unloved by someone who is important in my life. During these times it would help if he would simply say what is going on. Even to write a note, or text message would be far more effective in keeping things in balance with us while he recuperates, than the silent withdrawal, which I experience as cold and uncaring. I need to know that he is willing to communicate with me, in good times and bad.<BR/><BR/>Listening<BR/><BR/>Everyone has special interests as far as I can tell. The difference being, my Aspie seems to think that his special interests outweigh in importance, things that are going on at that moment with other people in his immediate environment. If I am sad, or have had a particularly hard day myself, I need support and a listening ear. It may only take 5 minutes of his time, to sit down with me and merely listen. It would go a long way if he would acknowledge intellectually, that there is something he can contribute, even if he's not interested in the content of what I have to say. He can show his care by focusing on me for a short period of time, <BR/>before changing the subject, or disappearing into his thoughts and special interests.<BR/><BR/>Love and Attention<BR/><BR/>We all need love. What's hard to figure out is how to show each other that love, in a way that gets the message across, and that affirms our connection to one another. Some say love is attention. If so, then the sure way to show someone love is to give them your attention. Sometimes that takes the form of knowing when to leave each other alone. (Aspie's don't have the corner on the market for the need to chill after a hard day.) It's more about a kind of sensitivity to the other. And if you can't sense what is needed, get curious and ask. Getting curious about the other person, and expressing that curiosity, shows that you are paying attention. It communicates that even if you don't know what is needed, you are willing to find out. Even if it entails asking the proverbial, "how was your day?", it's better than nothing. Think quality versus quantity.<BR/><BR/>Fun<BR/><BR/>How to make time together to just relax and enjoy the moment. To linger over a nice meal, a walk in nature, or a special recreational activity. To be able to do so in silence, without having to fulfill the next plan. Just to be there....together.<BR/><BR/>Touch<BR/><BR/>Touch provides a connection through the body that cannot be experienced in any other way. It's one of the most direct ways to feel close to one another. And it only takes a moment. A hand on the shoulder, a hug, sitting together with arms touching, holding hands, even a quick hello kiss is better than nothing. BTW, I really enjoy the tight, hugs that come with this relationship. <BR/><BR/>Forgive me if this is too long of a comment. There is so much I need to learn and it helps to become part of the conversation.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-22633246979921549762008-11-26T00:47:00.000+11:002008-11-26T00:47:00.000+11:00I have a question, yes I know I'm full of them. D...I have a question, yes I know I'm full of them. Do aspies have a harder time dealing with screaming and crying children than NT's?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-30595037965223631822008-11-25T14:53:00.000+11:002008-11-25T14:53:00.000+11:00This was an extremely clear and well written post....This was an extremely clear and well written post. Thank you for taking the time to be so specific. In reading, I discovered many things I did not know about Aspie's; some that even touch on the difficulties I have had in the past, that seemed incomprehensible to me. I'm particularly struck with what you said about touch. I would like to respond to your query about NT's, and our needs, particularly in relation to the difficulties of an Aspie/NT relationship. Although, as you say, everyone is unique. I would guess there are common areas of conflict inherent in the dynamic. It would be interesting if others would share their experiences as well. I'll get back to you when time allows.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-56252607377857524392008-11-25T03:33:00.000+11:002008-11-25T03:33:00.000+11:00This was a great blog. thanksThis was a great blog. thanksfarnelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11550944886037316099noreply@blogger.com