tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48418510209276891612024-03-19T18:21:06.390+11:00Life with AspergersGavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.comBlogger542125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-77300085292337981162023-07-21T20:40:00.000+10:002023-07-21T20:40:19.133+10:00Masking is an essential skill that you should aim to use less often.<p><b><i>Masking in terms of autism and Asperger's syndrome is a way of hiding your true self from others as a means of fitting in and avoiding harm. It can best be summed up as "pretending to be normal".</i></b></p><p><i>In this post, I want to talk about some of the ways that we mask, why it is necessary sometimes and why ultimately you need to minimize masking in your life.</i></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJqVxEKFVjX6XF7HPyy_w2sOkF1mMQHQ1h7O_793pzVX2R6cYpkU7_G84OAy7I2joDdr0s01Ea6ufLE3jEjnDlCavtnWcGDWR7ZUtD583Ay0a61RWnUNWBPWaRhsztzwUEeQihUQLnYdJSOlSBpebd7bSOGT3ml682O-9TEmgSOTCtbsgnCci5HIY-UxU/s980/Masking.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="a woman holding a couple of masks (generated from DAL-E2)" border="0" data-original-height="980" data-original-width="980" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJqVxEKFVjX6XF7HPyy_w2sOkF1mMQHQ1h7O_793pzVX2R6cYpkU7_G84OAy7I2joDdr0s01Ea6ufLE3jEjnDlCavtnWcGDWR7ZUtD583Ay0a61RWnUNWBPWaRhsztzwUEeQihUQLnYdJSOlSBpebd7bSOGT3ml682O-9TEmgSOTCtbsgnCci5HIY-UxU/w320-h320/Masking.png" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">How do we mask?</h2><p><i>It's often said that people with Asperger's syndrome are great actors because they spend so much of their lives pretending to be someone that they are not. </i></p><p>Masking is a very normal activity and everyone masks in some form or other. The teen who loves classical music but listens to rock in front of their school friends is masking their musical taste. The guy who eats all his vegetables at his girlfriends place but never at home is masking for her parents, so that they will like him more. We mask whenever we put on clothing that is not us, wear makeup that we don't like or put effort into making ourselves appear different to how we really are.</p><p>What makes autistic masking different however is that we are not simply masking for parents, or for a person we are interested in. We're masking for "everyone" in an effort to appear normal. Autistic masking isn't just different due to the frequency though, it's also the range. Instead of simply masking the food we're eating or the clothes that we're wearing, autistic people will often mask "everything" to the point where they create entire personalities for different groups of people.</p><p><i>Things that can change with masking include appearance, clothing, accents, backgrounds (such as the way you tell your family story), likes and dislikes.</i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">A Masking Example</h2><p>When I was in year 7 and 8 at school (aged about thirteen), I remember masking for my art teacher. I guess I had a crush on her. I was always super-polite and quietly studious. My artwork was colorful and would often be bushland paintings or cute animals. Halfway through year eight, she went on maternity leave and we got a new teacher who was a "goth". I remember making conscious decision to stop masking (though I didn't know the word for it back then). I chose to stop because it was so tiring. </p><p>My artwork took a sharp dive into all blacks and scribbles. Strangely enough, it got a lot better too. Instead of carefully erasing every wrong line, I followed my own mishaps and deepened them into shadows. It turns out that masking negatively affects creativity. I was also much more outspoken in class and perhaps a bit disruptive - but I was also much happier.</p><p>It didn't occur to me that my classmates could see everything that was happening but of course they could. Then, as quickly as it had started, our old teacher came back from leave and suddenly I was drawing flowers again... except that I didn't realize that some of my sculptures were still in the kiln, or that our substitute teacher would arrive one day to hand back some of our artwork and discuss it with the original teacher. </p><p>My teachers asked me to stay behind to resolve the confusion. Initially they were both suggesting that I must have been getting someone at home to help me but they both also remembered me doing specific pieces in class. I didn't know what to say, so I kept silent. The following year, when art became an elective, I deliberately didn't choose it despite my teachers wanting me to do it. I didn't feel that I could do the darker art for my original teacher. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Why do we mask?</h2><p>Now that we know how to recognize the signs of masking, we need to ask why we mask. Often, the how will give you the why. If you're masking to appear better at something or to be more aligned with what someone else likes, you're probably trying to impress them. If you're masking to be less visible or more normal, then you're most likely hiding. </p><p>In our formative years, masking is used mainly as a way to keep friends but as we get older, it can often come in handy as a defense mechanism, similar to camouflage. Masking makes us appear "normal" and thus less visible to bullies. In schools without appropriate supports (most schools), masking is an essential skill. </p><p><i>Outside of school, we mask to survive in college, to get jobs or promotions, to keep in with an established circle of friends, to find boyfriends or girlfriends and to fit in with our neighbors and social groups.</i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Why should we mask less?</h2><p>There's no doubt that masking is essential at school. Even if you have your own "nerd group", as I did, it's still a critical survival skill to be able to mask in front of other people when you don't have your support group with you. </p><p>At the same time, we need to recognize a few things about masking. It's a form of deception and it takes a lot of effort to maintain. It allows us to remain in proximity to dangerous individuals and situations instead of pushing us to move somewhere safer. In short, masking is stressful, dangerous and not productive. </p><p><i>To really understand this, imagine that you are a hen, dressed as a fox, and living among foxes. The deception is necessary for your survival but it's stressful and one day, you'll probably be discovered. How much better would it be if you were a hen living with other hens -- surrounded by other individuals who love you for who you are and don't expect you to be something that you are not. </i></p><p>Your reliance upon masking needs to reduce as you get older. The more that you are able to control your own situation, the less you should need to hide. This is especially true for aspies who are prone to meltdowns. Meltdowns are the ultimate in unmasking and having a meltdown in front of the wrong group can stigmatize you forever. Learning to control your reactions to unexpected change and unwanted events is excellent masking but it's still not as good as being surrounded by people who accept you for who you are and will support you through those difficult times. </p><p><i>If you are still needing to hide as an adult, you need to look around you and work out whether your masking simply out of habit or if there are real threats. If the threats are real, you need to identify them and make changes in your life to remove them. </i></p><p>This might mean that you need to "come out" to open-minded friends and "walk away" from toxic friends. It might mean that you need to move to a safer environment, change your job or find new places to pursue your hobbies. It might also mean that you need to spend time trying to figure out how you really think about things, such as what you really like and dislike - instead of simply following the crowd. </p><p>It's not easy but it's an important part of moving forward. You don't have to do it all at once. You can meet new and more accepting people while still masking for a different set of friends. Just make sure that you don't allow the groups to meet. </p><p>When you feel comfortable, you can slowly transition to a safer and more accepting environment. </p>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-35809983194440804742022-08-14T11:12:00.000+10:002022-08-14T11:12:21.382+10:00Why Pushing your Autistic Kids out of Home may be Good for them<p><b><i>Catchy title aside, I'm not about to suggest that you need to kick all your autistic kids out of home. I want to cover one specific recent instance for us and I want to look at the reasons why we believed that it would work while others thought it might fail. Why we did it anyway and why we feel it is succeeding.</i></b></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiM0ZHPx4M0AX3uyk86hS0V8g1zR0lCfxA3blnQ8ioUYclekVmeXys-RW7DBuJDoxDHPysQfx0pktcnfipzi5y_ZDIiA_iBcl1HbIJ6sL5KYasAxWH79I41XaKQp_OjQske-oqi4hnhQ82xWgoLD19q3iFdEISBmJj6PHmvCLkB9ubfdPc5AsHufe1/s1500/Leaving.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1001" data-original-width="1500" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiM0ZHPx4M0AX3uyk86hS0V8g1zR0lCfxA3blnQ8ioUYclekVmeXys-RW7DBuJDoxDHPysQfx0pktcnfipzi5y_ZDIiA_iBcl1HbIJ6sL5KYasAxWH79I41XaKQp_OjQske-oqi4hnhQ82xWgoLD19q3iFdEISBmJj6PHmvCLkB9ubfdPc5AsHufe1/w400-h268/Leaving.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/josealbafotos-1624766/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1412996">Jose Antonio Alba</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com//?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1412996">Pixabay</a></span></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;">Kids who Stall</h2><p>We have a lot of friends and relatives who have kids on and off the spectrum who have "stalled". By stalling, I mean that they've become;</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Permanently at home</li><li>Often Unemployed</li><li>Caught in unproductive routines (TV, Gaming, Extra Sleeping, Overuse of Routine)</li></ul><div>Often stalling is linked to other obsessions, such as computer gaming but it also appears in non-gamers and active kids. People can get into a stall pattern simply by filling their entire lives up with chores and leaving no room for themselves to forge ahead. </div><div><br /></div><div>There are a lot of reasons why stalling has become common in the last couple of generations including increased government support, increased tolerance for "stalled behavior", better social services, lack of affordable housing and difficulty finding jobs.</div><div><br /></div><div><i>I haven't seen much research on stalling but given the statistics for autistic employment, which show that autistic people are more likely to be unemployed or "under-employed" (meaning that they are doing jobs far below their capabilities), I don't think it's much of a stretch to say that autistic people have a greater risk of stalling than neurotypicals. </i></div><div><br /></div><div>Fear of the unknown is one of the key drivers of stalling. Individuals and couples fear to move on with their lives, to look at houses or at starting a family because they're afraid of the future. Sometimes they're afraid to commit, often it's the fear of failure and sometimes it's simply a case of individuals being too budget conscious. I have several friends who wanted children but never had them because "they couldn't afford them" and yet, there are people living in far worse circumstances with children. If you want something badly enough, you'll find a way to have it. </div><div><br /></div><div>My wife and I have had a lot of conversations over the years about the risk of our kids stalling and we decided that we would push our babies out of the nest at appropriate ages to reduce the chance of it happening.</div><p></p><h2>Life Skills and Preparation</h2><div><i>Birds can't simply push their young out of the nest without teaching them to fly. The results would not be pretty. The same applies to people. You have to teach your babies how to live in the wide world and you need the right sort of conditions to ensure that they are able to thrive. </i></div><div><br />Life skills has always been on our agenda. When our sons were young, we enrolled them in the local cub scouts program. There, they learned cooking, working with others and other general coping and life skills. </div><div><br /></div><div>We would give them money send them off to buy themselves a doughnut from ages 3 and 4 (and watch carefully from a few tables away in the food courts). Sometimes they'd lose their money on the way or they'd try to choose things that were out of their price range. Often their cuteness would get them a better deal. Almost 20 years later, our local doughnut shop owners still remember them fondly.</div><div><br /></div><div>We usually involve our kids in our daily life and decisions and even when shopping with young children, we'd give them tasks, like "buy some honey" but would put constraints on it, like, "get the cheapest one". They would need to compare prices and weights to determine what was a bargain and what was just clever marketing. </div><div><br /></div><div>We would use occasional chores as learning tools and would get them involved in all manner of housework from cleaning toilets, to washing dishes and clothes. The tasks often weren't done to a high standard but they still resulted in a learning experience. </div><div><br /><i>Our kids still don't pick up after themselves but we'll often call them down from their respective rooms to "clean up their mess in the kitchen". It's important that they "own their mess".</i></div><div><br />Neither of my sons are driving. My eldest has his learner plates and has done lessons but lacks the confidence (and the interest) to drive. He's a good saver and he's worked out that the cost of keeping a car is higher than the cost of public transport. </div><div><br />When they were younger, I used to take my kids on trips around the city. We'd catch all manner of transport and I'd make them read the signs at the bus, train and ferry stations and tell me which to catch. This continued into their young adult years where I did this on overseas trips and in non-English speaking countries. It's not necessary to teach your kids to translate languages but finding connections in a totally unfamiliar place was great practice. Finding your way around is a critical life skill. </div><div><br />In Australia, unlike our US and UK counterparts, it's unusual for kids to leave home to go to college/university. In the capital cities, university is often an easy commute from home. While this is comfortable, it deprives our kids of the opportunity to try out living by themselves in a controlled environment. The best we could do as parents, was to go on holidays and leave our kids at home to fend for themselves. We started with weekends and worked up to longer mini-breaks. <br /><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;">The Right Conditions</h2>The other thing that needs to be right before your babies can leave home is that conditions in their lives need to be right. </div><div><br />There's no point in pushing a young adult with no income source out of the house. They need a job first. They need to have been in that job for a while, perhaps a year, and they need to be earning at least a bit above the combined costs of rent and food. You can't push your children out onto the poverty line. </div><div><br /><i>If you have unreliable or party-obsessed young adults. If your kids are in with the wrong crowds, often get into fights or have substance abuse problems or peer-exploitable weaknesses, these issues will prevent them from thriving when they move out. If your kids throw wild "out of control" parties when you leave the house, they probably don't have the maturity required to live by themselves. </i><br /><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;">Our Son</h2>In our case, our son is very much a loner. He has a good job and he's been waking up (usually with lots of assistance) on time for work every day for about three years. He has a lot of issues with cleaning up after himself but is capable of doing this with a lot of encouragement.</div><div><br /><i>We were quite worried about getting him to move out but we'd also observed that he was becoming less like a son and more like an unruly tenant at home. </i></div><div><br /></div><div>He would make a mess and not clean it up. He would hardly converse with his brother, parents or visitors and would choose to spend his nights sitting alone playing computer games and his weekends sleeping in well past midday. </div><div><br />We helped him find a place where repayments and living expenses wouldn't break the bank. We were fortunate in that we found a place not too far from our home and close to transport. We did provide some financial assistance but it comes with a clause about keeping the place tidy. It's still early days but it seems, so far, that the move has been successful. </div><div><br />We kept a copy of the keys in case he locks himself out and I'm very surprised that we haven't had to use them yet. I was also impressed to find that he's attached a tracker to his keys that sends an alert to his phone if he strays too far from them. He's using technology to deal with his shortcomings. </div><div><br />We're visiting about once a fortnight and the place isn't as tidy as we'd like it. Unfortunately on our visits, we spend a little time straightening things out but we were pleased to see that he's doing his washing. That's a step in the right direction. </div><div><br />We've also noticed that our son has been happier out on his own and that he's calling home more often and wanting to talk to us. I think he's a little lonely even though he always says that he isn't when we ask. I think it's important that he doesn't get too much time with "mum and dad" and that the time we spend is positive and leaves him (and us) wanting more. </div><div><br /><i>Moving out seems to have done wonders for his self confidence and for his relationship with his family. It might not work for everyone but if the conditions are right and your young adult has the right preparation and if they're starting to feel more like a tenant than a family member, it may be the right move to make. </i></div><div><br /><b><i>The label of autism does not and should not prevent a person from achieving independence. </i></b></div>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-53933349708091211782022-06-26T09:55:00.002+10:002022-06-26T09:55:55.496+10:00Autistic Burnout and Fatigue - Part 2 of 2<p><i><b> Last time I talked about some of the <a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2022/05/burnout-pt1.html">reasons that autistic burnout occurs</a>. I covered five of the more common ones. </b></i></p><p><i>In this post, I want to look at how you can identify the signs of stress and anxiety which lead to burnout and how can you stop the burnout before it happens.</i></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFpbz5UcEjvucO8NaI9d37EDG6WGUCDCodSA8sPZ7zBYd6JPGjdzCPSqmMaoBZRi6vaBBOzpV6CwfnqZUqzFspzVLgGQ0i3-0dBFiNm-5Wr56WO7UwiCJ6Ggl-_F3gh9hy3citl9Yzk90XsEZ_kmB3auamf_mz6PPYXqDB_is7IQSsc2w6OoXUX_gu/s1000/Stress.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="668" data-original-width="1000" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFpbz5UcEjvucO8NaI9d37EDG6WGUCDCodSA8sPZ7zBYd6JPGjdzCPSqmMaoBZRi6vaBBOzpV6CwfnqZUqzFspzVLgGQ0i3-0dBFiNm-5Wr56WO7UwiCJ6Ggl-_F3gh9hy3citl9Yzk90XsEZ_kmB3auamf_mz6PPYXqDB_is7IQSsc2w6OoXUX_gu/w400-h268/Stress.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/thedigitalartist-202249/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2902537">Pete Linforth</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2902537">Pixabay</a></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p>Throughout this post, I'm going to use the word "stress" but stress and anxiety are almost interchangeable terms. The key difference between them is that stress usually has an external trigger while anxiety tends to be purely internal. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Recognizing Stress and Anxiety in Ourselves</h2><h3 style="text-align: left;">Stressed Body Flags</h3><p>Your body knows when it is under too much stress and will usually try to let you know. Sometimes stress appears as itching or as a rash. Sometimes it will appear as various other aches and pains including chest pains and headaches. </p><p>You should always get these pains looked into but sometimes if there's no other obvious cause, it can be down to stress. </p><p>Things to look out for in particular are:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Jaw clenching and teeth grinding</b>: If you find yourself visiting a dentist with sore teeth but no obvious cause, ask yourself if you're doing a lot of jaw clenching and teeth grinding. You might even be doing this while you're asleep, so if you're waking up with sore teeth that settle as the day progresses, look into this. <br /><br /></li><li><b>General Sleep Issues: </b>If you're finding that you're feeling exhausted but you're still unable to sleep when you get into bed, this could be an indicator of stress. It's particularly obvious if your mind starts to race when you get into bed and you find yourself focusing on either the day's events, the things that you still need to do or feelings of loss, loneliness or depression. <br /><br /></li><li><b>Low Immunity: </b>When your body is dealing with a lot of stress, it has to divert resources from areas that need attention. This can result in lowered immunity. One of the most obvious signs of low immunity is the emergence of general issues that are often suppressed in the body. In particular, rashes and cold sores. If you start to see these and there's no other obvious reason, it's likely to be stress. <br /><br /></li><li><b>Digestive Issues: </b>Stress also affects the digestive system, so if you find yourself having unusual bouts of constipation or diarrhea and changing your diet doesn't seem to make any difference, consider that stress could be a cause. Stress changes the speed at which food moves through the digestive system - and it also affects the absorption of nutrients.<br /><br /></li><li><b> Low Sex Drive:</b> Stress could be a factor in your sex life. Stress has very clear effects on the females often resulting in the menstruation cycle being disrupted and either being triggered upon a stressful event or delayed. It can also create errectile problems in men and a general decline in sex drive. </li></ul><p></p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Stress and Mental Issues </h3><p>Stress also affects our mental state in several ways:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Loss of Interest: </b>A sudden loss of interest in "everything" can indicate either stress or depression (depression can also be an indicator of stress). I've previously talked about how important <a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2007/10/dreaded-special-interest.html">special interests</a> are for most autistic people. If someone simply drops their interest it can mean one of two things, either that was a short term interest and they're transitioning to another - or they are too stressed to focus. <br /><br /></li><li><b>Depression and Sadness: </b>Similar to the loss of the special interest, an overall change in temperament towards sadness, isolation and depression can indicate high stress. It's quite common for individuals to seek isolation when stressed.<br /><br /></li><li><b>Panic attacks:</b> High stress can bring on panic attacks, so if you're not prone to them but suddenly start to have them - or if you're having more than usual, it can be a side-effect of stress. Panic attacks can come out of nowhere and can leave you with heart palpitations (or a racing heart), dizziness, nausea, sudden sweats, shortness of breath and even fainting. You don't have to be engaged in a stressful activity for them to make an appearance.<br /><br /></li><li><b>Increased Addictive Behaviors: </b>Basically everything we do that is enjoyable can become addictive. This includes eating, drinking, shopping, hoarding and gaming. An addiction isn't simply the repetition of behaviors, it's the repetition to the extent that endangers our other activities. We all have potential addictions which under stress can transition into real ones. If you find that your favorite activities begin to make normal life difficult, it's probably a favorite behavior transitioning to become addictive. Under stress, the urge to repeat behaviors that we find pleasurable will often increase. These behaviors will often take us away from stressful situations into familiar ones.</li></ul><p></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Dealing with Anxiety and Stress</h2><p>It's not easy to deal with anxiety and stress. Everyone is different and not all methods will work for everyone. Many of the changes described here are difficult to implement and need the support of others around you. Change is hard for people on the spectrum and self-change is particularly difficult. </p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Have a Plan</h3><p><i>If you're going to implement change, you need to have a plan that prepares you for the changes you're about to make and that makes it easy to stay on task. </i></p><p>When I was in my late thirties and I became aware of many of my unhealthy eating and drinking habits, I tried unsuccessfully to implement new years resolutions, fads and diets. Nothing worked. Eventually I made a single promise for a year. It was "drink more water". What I did was simply ensure that I had a bottle of water by by desk every day. I'd make sure to fill it and drink it all at least twice a day. This had a knock on effect of making me less hungry and definitely less thirsty. I didn't tell myself that I wasn't allowed to drink coke, I simply drank less because I was full on water. </p><p>The other thing that I did was decide that there was no catch-up required if I mucked up a day. So instead of missing a day and having to drink four bottles of water, I simply tried harder the next day. It didn't work immediately but over time, it made a big difference. </p><p>Sometimes it's easier to set a small goal that is unrelated to the activity that you're trying to control. For example, if you have a gaming addiction (I've been there too), instead of trying to restrict your gaming hours, make a rule that you need to do a 1 hour walk every day. That's one hour away from gaming. It's a good start. </p><p><i>Don't be afraid to spread your changes over years and simply introduce a new rule every year. It's not a race and everything that you do to reduce stress and anxiety helps. </i></p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Relax</h3><div>A surefire way to annoy a stressed or angry person is to simply tell them to "relax" or "calm down". It's not possible in the moment. You need to be in the right place to calm down. </div><div><br /></div><div>There are all kinds of relaxation activities available. You just need to steer clear of the ones that feed your addictions, for example, eating, watching movies and listening to music are great relaxing things for overly active people but they're less effective if you're already doing them. If you're an inactive person by nature then unexpectedly, your best shot at relaxation is to be active.</div><div><br /></div><div>Good examples of relaxing activities can include, exercise, yoga, walking, climbing, ten-pin bowling, photography, going somewhere (where you haven't been before, or haven't been for a long time). </div><div><br /></div><div><i>To be effective, a relaxation activity should be something that you're not already doing. After all, if you're stressed and already doing that activity, then it's clearly not working.</i></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Work on Your Health</h3><div>Having a healthy body is very important when it comes to combating stress. If you're on a lot of medications, consider seeing a medications specialist who can tell you what they all do and how they react in comparison to each other. Often such specialists will recommend that you replace three medications which all cancel each other out with one that does the job that is needed. Your GPs simply don't have that level of knowledge. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>If the stress is seriously affecting your life and you're unable to deal with it using general techniques, you may find that you need to look at stress control medications. Just ensure that you know what the side effects are because some stress medications have side-effects that are worse than the "cure". </i></div><div><br /></div><div>Look at your eating habits and see what you can do to make some healthier choices and changes. You don't have to drop everything and become vegan, simply make small changes. If there's something unhealthy that you're eating every day, see if you can just eat it on "Tuesdays". If there's a flavor that you crave, see if there's a healthier variant. Making huge changes (going cold-turkey) rarely works. It's much better to just take things slowly and review your progress every six months.</div><div><br /></div><div>If you're an inactive person by nature, then take steps to become a little more active. There are easy ways to do this but the best all work by being fun. If you like people, use an app like meetup to find walking groups in your area. If you're more of a loner, try to combine an enjoyable activity, for example walking and photography. </div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Get Support</h3><p>No matter how hard we try simply can't achieve things entirely on our own. We all need support. Ideally, the best support should come from the people who live with you. If you can't find support there, then join a group - even if it's an online group.</p><p>You should be able to find appropriate groups on Meetup and Facebook. Just make sure that any group that you join is free of toxic people and will welcome and support you. There are also a lot of stress control apps available in the App stores for mobiles. Some are free and some come with subscription fees. Some progressive workplaces will even support the use of these apps and may pay the subscription fees for employees. Talk to your HR team if you're not sure.</p><p>Sometimes you need more than simply "free support". Sometimes you need a professional to help you to unravel your fears, anxieties, triggers and stresses. If that's the case, talk to your doctor about therapists. There's no shame in seeing a therapist and nearly everyone does at some point in their lives. Depending where you live, you might find that there are government health supports (including free sessions) to help with your mental health. Your local GP should know about these. </p><p><br /></p><p><i>The key to avoiding autistic burnout is the control of stress and anxiety. While these are an unavoidable part of life that everyone will face at one time or another, they're treatable and manageable conditions if you are able to recognize them in yourself. </i></p>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-76762590610700672172022-06-05T10:41:00.001+10:002022-06-05T10:52:10.065+10:00Autistic Burnout and Fatigue - Part 1 of 2<p><b><i>Chronic Mental fatigue is a very serious condition that is quite common in individuals with autism. It's so common that it has its own name in autism circles: "autistic burnout".</i></b></p><p><i>In part one of this two part series, I want to look at some of the reasons why autistic burnout occurs and then in the next part I want to look at some of the things that you can do to identify, prevent and perhaps even reverse the effects of burnout .</i></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcFULsdn60XyAfxtMizmpMPY-C0Eqv2yK9e2IgmRUz8shC59qBkJYc4F3L9ErT3z_qYIoTqe2apIteQlq4R3RmRH4uidk8JCLikKu1x2cr7TSt3JUCKzy4vQyLvhKToZElmCxY6WF5ADrKnjmh2SxTk5jW4_JCssc6jRArNEFxYjspSlMAue8AYK_e/s1300/Fatigue.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="982" data-original-width="1300" height="303" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcFULsdn60XyAfxtMizmpMPY-C0Eqv2yK9e2IgmRUz8shC59qBkJYc4F3L9ErT3z_qYIoTqe2apIteQlq4R3RmRH4uidk8JCLikKu1x2cr7TSt3JUCKzy4vQyLvhKToZElmCxY6WF5ADrKnjmh2SxTk5jW4_JCssc6jRArNEFxYjspSlMAue8AYK_e/w400-h303/Fatigue.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/olga_mur-4936927/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2180352">Olga_Mur</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2180352">Pixabay</a></span></td></tr></tbody></table><h2 style="text-align: left;">Why is Burnout so common with Autism?</h2><p>The key factors leading to burnout are anxiety and stress. Other factors, like depression and being overburdened can also play into it. There are good reasons why autistic people are sometimes more likely to suffer from anxiety and stress than others in the same situation. </p><p><i>This comes down to several autistic traits including issues dealing with other people, issues with change and issues of their own making such as perfectionism or internalizing bad experiences. </i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Dealing with People</h2><p>Autistic people often find great difficulty in tasks that others might consider easy. This is especially true of tasks involving other people because in addition to performing the task at hand, they have to work to "mask" their natural behaviors and expressions - and they have to work much harder to interpret the non-verbal expressions of others. </p><p>Dealing with people, especially groups of people, creates a lot of anxiety as autistic people feel like they have to look everywhere at once in order to follow conversations. It's also common to have to mask differently for different people because not everyone expects the same level of "sanitization". If you're with more accepting people, you can relax and be more "yourself" while with less accepting or newer acquaintances, you need to protect yourself more. A mixed group makes these rules hard to implement.</p><p><i>Dealing with people can become very stressful, very quickly - and for this reason, autistic people often try to avoid events where groups of people are gathered. Constant exposure to groups of people, particularly in the workplace or family home where escape is difficult, can wear autistic people down and can lead to fatigue and burnout.</i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Being Overburdened</h2><p>We're all familiar with overburdening in the sense that overloading a pack animal can make it impossible for it to move but in these cases, the overburdening is a weight issue. Overburderning can also be a mental issue. </p><p>For autistic people, places which seem quiet to others can be very "noisy". Autistic people can be very sensitive to different sounds but "noise" doesn't necessarily mean audio. A place with fluorescent lighting or strange patterns on the walls or floor can be visually "noisy", a place with strong smells, such as a candle or perfume shop can also be overpowering. Other types of environments and textures will create havoc with other senses. </p><p>It's very easy for an autistic person to find this kind of "noise" to be too much. It can make it difficult for them to concentrate - or even impossible to function at all. </p><p>While there are ways to deal with these issues which may include special glasses, noise cancelling headphones or simply not visiting these places, not all environments can be controlled. For example, if a roommate starts getting into scents, if noisy and dusty construction commences next door to the home or if the neighbors get a constantly barking dog, there's not a lot that can be done. </p><p><i>If the burden of "noise" is constant and unescapable, it can lead to burnout. </i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Interests and Focus</h2><p>Many autistics have "better than average" capabilities in areas that align with their special interests. A good example of this is computing. Not all autistic people are great with computers but those who have computing as one of their special interests tend to be exceptionally good. In the workplace, this often leads others to place more reliance and greater workloads on them. It can also result in extra non-technical interactions as companies are keen to put their brightest techs on show or assign them to training and explaining duties. This occurs in all disciplines, not just computing and can create a great deal of added stress. </p><p><i>One of my friends was forced to leave a job that he loved because he became so good at it that the boss kept sending trainees, clients and other disruptive people to him. He worked well alone but the constant extra people caused him to experience burnout. </i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Change Factors</h2><p>Change is another common cause of anxiety. Autistic people who thrive in the home or school environment can find the changes that come with career and family progression difficult. They may not want to leave the family home or live or work in an unfamiliar environment. Changes in marital or parenting situations and changes in the home and workplace tend to have long-lasting and wide ranging effects, all of which produce anxiety.</p><p><i>Frequent change can put an autistic person into a "permanently anxious" state that will lead to burnout. While change is often unavoidable, it needs to be managed to prevent it from becoming chronic. </i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)</h2><p>Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can create situations where anxiety increases enough to turn into burnout. </p><p><i>When we think of PTSD, we usually think of soldiers coming back from a war zone or people subjected to Hollywood-level trauma but the reality is that trauma can come from the smallest of events. </i></p><p>Perhaps it's easier to look at an example with an animal. If you were to feed your dog at the same time every day and have another person enter the room and remove their bowl quite frequently. You'd start to see the dog becoming guarded and anxious every time that person entered the room - even if there was no food and no bowl. </p><p>This happens with people too. Repeated events such as bullying don't need to be intense or graphic to produce PTSD. For example, a bully who indulges in name-calling on a regular basis could create enough negative feelings and self doubt to create high levels of stress and anxiety in completely unrelated situations. </p><p>Even one-off events can lead to PTSD if they're significant enough. For example, if your child had an obsession with video gaming (something that is quite common in kids on the spectrum) and if there was a break-in where their console and games were stolen, this could become a significant event. </p><p>You may be able to replace the console and the games but the trauma would likely remain. This could give rise to trust issues, difficulty leaving the house (for fear of further theft) and difficulty sharing and relating to others.</p><p><i>Autistic children process things quite differently from neurotypical children. When you're the parent of an autistic child, you need to pay careful attention to how they're processing events to reduce the chance of PTSD. If they grow into adults with PTSD, it's much harder to reverse the effects. </i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Next Time</h2><p>Next time, I want to look at some of the ways that you can identify signs that lead to burnout and fatigue and how you can address some of them. </p>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-40240163509618288462022-05-15T18:02:00.006+10:002022-05-15T18:02:41.704+10:00Spoon Theory and how it Relates to Autism<p><b><i>I was part-way through writing my next blog post and I thought, I need to link this to "Spoon Theory". I was pretty sure that I'd covered it here before, so I went searching. Turns out I haven't covered it at all, so here it is... spoon theory"</i></b></p><p><i>Spoon theory is a critical part of any discussion on autistic burnout but the term was originally coined by Christine Miserandino in 2003 as part of a discussion on lupus in her essay "The Spoon Theory." </i></p><p>It was used to explain how different people use different amounts of energy to do the same tasks.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL_T0UBRDay9HrxWr_3I23NN3wiKSZqTnfMpRCc8papguZEX3y_jlRwuOGxaLOYq2lgb0Q0jXX4uuFCxgANKOAOIs96yOfHKHDJEO4YW3UN8KzT-_0Q4fx5RQu2pmce0HFwMmN9JWvcLrORlMfeypqS7fOT0VqNqTLz7JdjImxvbQOHXuAVLDFJSrD/s1600/SpoonTheory.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL_T0UBRDay9HrxWr_3I23NN3wiKSZqTnfMpRCc8papguZEX3y_jlRwuOGxaLOYq2lgb0Q0jXX4uuFCxgANKOAOIs96yOfHKHDJEO4YW3UN8KzT-_0Q4fx5RQu2pmce0HFwMmN9JWvcLrORlMfeypqS7fOT0VqNqTLz7JdjImxvbQOHXuAVLDFJSrD/w400-h225/SpoonTheory.png" width="400" /></a></div><div><br /></div>The idea of calling it spoon theory came about simply because the explanation was taking place in a diner and spoons were the easiest thing to get hold of at the time. <div><h2 style="text-align: left;">How Spoon Theory Works</h2><p>Suppose that everyone is given a set number of spoons and that these represent stamina/effort. As you complete tasks through your day, you will expend "spoons" until you run out. At which point, you have no choice but to rest until they are replenished. </p><p>For a person without disabilities, many tasks, such as making breakfast for oneself are so "low energy" as to not even consume a spoon. In fact, many people list cooking as one of the things they do for pleasure. </p><p><i>A person with disabilities would therefore use their spoons up much faster than a person who had no disabilities, meaning that the disabled person must exercise a lot more caution and must put a lot more effort into making sensible decisions. </i></p><p>For example, if they're on their last spoons, then going out might not be a good idea because they may run out of energy while out. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Spoon Theory and Invisible Disabilities</h2><p>Spoon theory can be easily applied to all manner of disabilities, for example, a person in a wheelchair will use more spoons to use transport, than a person who can walk. A person who is deaf will use more spoons in a conversation than a person who isn't. </p><p>While spoon theory can be applied to all manner of disabilities, it was really designed as a way to explain the many "invisible" disabilities, including autism. </p><p>Able-bodied people can usually understand how visible disabilities, such as people who need mobility support, people with strong sensory disabilities like blindness or profound deafness, and people with clear intellectual or genetic disabilities can find everyday life difficult. </p><p><i>It's much harder to explain to an able-bodied person how disabilities such as dyslexia, ADHD, higher-functioning types of autism, colour-blindness, partial blindness or deafness, chronic pain, depression and fatigue impact a person's daily life. </i></p><h2>Applying Spoon Theory to Autism</h2><p>There are some things that (some) people with autism do very well. These are quite often related to their special interest. For example, my sons and I don't use any spoons when it comes to computer problems, even though these types of problems certainly cause frustrations for others. </p><p><i>It's important to note that being autistic does not mean that you're automatically good at math or computers. They just happen to line up with a special interest for me personally. </i></p><p>There are some areas where autistic people tend to struggle more than non-autistic people. For example, in anything involving other people, interpreting non-verbal languages and relaying standard expected empathetic responses in conversations. </p><p><i>Again, this doesn't mean that all autistic people are bad at these things, some are just naturally good at them and some work hard, study and practice these techniques to become great communicators. Every person is different and the amount of spoons needed for a given activity may vary from one person to another. </i></p><p>If you were applying spoon theory to a party, for example, a neurotypical person might use a spoon getting ready for the party and a spoon for transport. The party itself may not consume any spoons if they're very much a "party-animal" in their element. </p><p><i>An autistic person however, might use more than one spoon to locate and dress in suitable attire, they might lose a spoon to nervousness and to transport - but then they may lose several at the party as they get caught up in various interactions. </i></p><p>If there's a sudden change - autistic people generally don't react well to change - this too will consume a spoon. It's not hard to see that the autistic person is far more likely to run out of spoons and have to end the social activity early. </p><p>Interestingly, "playing with the dog" at a party often doesn't use a spoon -- and that's sometimes where you'll find the autistic people when they're out of spoons and are trying to recharge. </p><p><i>There are no absolutes in spoon theory. You can't measure spoons and know for certain how many will be needed. As events change or conflicts arise, more spoons might be needed. The best you can do is "guestimate" which of the activities are most likely to drain all of your spoons and decline attendance on the worst of the non-mandatory events. </i></p></div>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-35732548882898075022022-05-09T20:30:00.000+10:002022-05-09T20:30:16.461+10:00Eight Qualities of Great Mothers of Autistic kids <p><b><i>Mother's day has just passed and I was thinking about how great my own mother is and about how many amazing mothers, particularly of kids on the spectrum, that I've known over the years including my cousin, several friends. and the many mothers on forums and on Life-with-Aspergers with whom I've interacted over the years. </i></b></p><p><i>To celebrate the day, I wanted to write a post about the qualities of those amazing mothers. I'm sure that many of you will recognise yourselves in this post. </i></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDs8wGrV8L9MFcZoHHYfQk4ShQLNj88xIlkmG6ohWlKTs8Bdn3DvX6VL4l-kjINkJz84LWAl6Er0Cex4XHRTJ_KiPTHR3Kg1m-H8sn4a9UUaOptg1WcaJQ62bltQh-OLnC2bElLkv8Js65wKKnCNNbplvm2DrjWB0j-UHGjhM0aRf3uAsGXdJpU5GV/s1000/Mother-and-Daughter.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="mother and daughter on a park bench" border="0" data-original-height="706" data-original-width="1000" height="283" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDs8wGrV8L9MFcZoHHYfQk4ShQLNj88xIlkmG6ohWlKTs8Bdn3DvX6VL4l-kjINkJz84LWAl6Er0Cex4XHRTJ_KiPTHR3Kg1m-H8sn4a9UUaOptg1WcaJQ62bltQh-OLnC2bElLkv8Js65wKKnCNNbplvm2DrjWB0j-UHGjhM0aRf3uAsGXdJpU5GV/w400-h283/Mother-and-Daughter.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/edsavi30-8535086/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=3281388">edsavi30</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=3281388">Pixabay</a></td></tr></tbody></table><p></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Loving</h2><p>The greatest mothers are loving, caring and kind. They are always ready to provide comfort and hugs when their children need it. They know that most kids on the spectrum love tight hugs and they're always ready to oblige. Their love is also a shield for the times when the mother/child relationship is tested and harsh words are exchanged. It protects them anything their kids say in anger and it ensures that their response always comes from a place of love. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Patient</h2><p>Life on the spectrum is often "two steps forward, one step back" and things rarely go to plan. This can be frustrating for mothers and their children. It's hard to watch these repeated failures but there's little more that you can do. Pushing harder or for more speed only makes the process slower. The greatest moms have seemingly endless reservoirs of patience. They're able to recognise when things are too stressful and will take a step back to proceed at speeds that are comfortable for their children. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Respectful</h2><p>Autistic kids often feel as if everyone is looking down on them and smirking at their latest failure. It's important to know that your mother is always on your side. The best moms are respectful and supportive. They don't resort to name-calling as a means of persuasion. For example, they don't call you "lazybones" to make you more active, or "grub" to make you more tidy. If they have to correct you or your attire, they do it when nobody is looking - and it's a gentle nudge. They respect you as an individual and do their best to support your choices and initiatives even when they don't necessarily agree. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Strong</h2><p>The greatest moms are fierce warriors when it comes to their children's rights. They aggressively advocate for their kids. They contest the injustices of the classroom and the playground and they stand up for their kids rights to not be bullied and to be treated like everyone else. These strong mothers are everywhere keeping the best interests of their children at heart. They're aware of the language of others and will enthusiastically correct people who try to peddle stereotypical negative images of autism. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Organised</h2><p>Great moms are very well organised because they know that good organisation can make up for what their kids lack in executive functioning. They know which days are sports days and they remind their children before they get ready for school. They know what's coming ahead of time and are always prepared with lists and rhymes to help their kids remember and stay on track. Even when they have adult kids, these great moms are organised enough to know when to remind their kids of appointments and critical due dates and can help them with the mountains of paperwork that comes their way. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Forgiving</h2><p>Great moms are aware that they are fallible. They know how to forgive themselves for their own mistakes and they teach self-forgiveness to their children. Their forgiveness extends to others too. When their disorganised kids completely forget mother's day, they're able to forgive and move on -- though they stress the importance of making up for misdeeds. Forgiveness is free but it sill needs to be earned by good deeds. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Great Sense of Humour</h2><p>Great moms have an excellent sense of humour. They know that there's a funny side to everything. They know that kids will be kids but that life with autistic kids brings new and interesting surprises. They can laugh when their kids decide to make an unscheduled stop at the local mud-hole and then proceed to track dirt throughout the house - when they're interrupted mid-sentence by their child saying "mom, she hasn't got two faces". When the craziest of situations occurs and you're not sure whether to laugh or cry - it's the great moms that keep on smiling. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">A Role Model</h2><p>Most of all, Great moms are the best role models for their kids. They are people who earn the respect of their children through their qualities and their deeds. Their kids look up to them and love them, even when they don't quite have the words to say it. Typical mother-child relationships go through a lot of ups and downs over the years but kids with great role model mothers already have the best goals to strive for. Just be like mom and you'll turn out great. </p><p><i>There is no underestimating the importance of mothers, grandmothers, step-mothers and other mother-figures in your life. Mothers take us from helpless babies to fully functioning adults. It's a long and difficult job and if your child is on the autism spectrum, it's more difficult still. </i></p><p><i>The mothers who rise to this challenge are special indeed. </i></p>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-49020495410297222072022-04-11T20:27:00.000+10:002022-04-11T20:27:04.666+10:00Autism and Computer Addiction<p><b><i>Computer addiction is not an exclusively Asperger's or Autism condition. Not all autistics develop it and not all people with computer addiction issues have autism.</i></b></p><p><i>One of the key issues is that when autistic people have a special interest in any subject, they tend to give that subject their entire focus. In cases where those subjects are computer-based, this can lead to addiction.</i></p><p></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4T9Q-SNJnxLPhwsXv13AzYzDJ8ztiGJX6CzLCV7K2ChAXsKaryfasMJzxSvkcG-K7IMNQ2qlZ130s5zn05ZCwc4NI-zekt2OOZmmwwbUTPglZ7PWNW1YND50yg7bKhaXVxM51pNnUhR7BhdlYwxsxF41zgShOa6Wle9LWpVHbWTDYDZ06CnIfD2oV/s1280/Kid-with-Computer.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="853" data-original-width="1280" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4T9Q-SNJnxLPhwsXv13AzYzDJ8ztiGJX6CzLCV7K2ChAXsKaryfasMJzxSvkcG-K7IMNQ2qlZ130s5zn05ZCwc4NI-zekt2OOZmmwwbUTPglZ7PWNW1YND50yg7bKhaXVxM51pNnUhR7BhdlYwxsxF41zgShOa6Wle9LWpVHbWTDYDZ06CnIfD2oV/w400-h266/Kid-with-Computer.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/visionpics-4638469/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=6981762">Alexandr Podvalny</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=6981762">Pixabay</a></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;">What is Computer Addiction?</h2><p>Internet or computer addiction is a very real problem. It especially affects young people, particularly children and there are studies suggesting that it is widespread enough to affect one in four children. </p><p>Computer addiction is so widely recognised that it has been included in the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V). </p><p>The most common ways that computer addiction affects individuals are:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Information Overload: </b>Where people become involved in internet research that it impacts their relationships with others. <br /></li><li><b>Cyber-relationships: </b>Where people get so caught up in profile and relationship management (facebook, instagram etc) that they neglect their real-world relationships. </li><li><b>Cyber-sex:</b> Where addiction to porn sites impacts real-world relationships.</li><li><b>Compulsion:</b> Where online gaming and gambling sites affect real world relationships and finances.</li><li><b>Gaming:</b> Computing can be addictive even without the internet. Computer games, particularly modern ones are specifically designed to drag people in and keep them there. </li></ul><p></p><p><i>Any form of overuse behaviour where a computer or internet-based hobby begins to affect a person's mental or physical health - and where the "victim" cannot stop that behaviour, is computer addiction. </i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Why is Computer Addiction bad?</h2><p>Computer addiction can lead to a wider variety of physical and mental issues including the following:</p><p><b>Physical Issues:</b> Carpal tunnel syndrome, or wrist over-use, vitamin D deficiency, headaches, back issues, weight issues, (gain from immobility or loss from not eating), vision issues and eyestrain, poor diet and insomnia. </p><p><b>Mental Issues: </b>Depression, Overdependence upon the computer, Anger issues (particularly common with gamers), disengagement issues leading to general lateness, inability to keep schedules and overall tiredness. Feelings of isolation, general dishonesty and agitation. Many computer games and sites can also create post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).</p><p>Studies also suggest that there are connections between substance abuse and computer addiction. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">How Do you Stop?</h2><p>The first step in stopping any kind of addiction is to recognise it in yourself. Unfortunately, while there are plenty of diagnostic tools (quizzes) to determine if you have internet addiction, there are not many that test general computer addiction (for example, to games). </p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><a href="https://www.psycom.net/internet-addiction-test-quiz" target="_blank">Internet Addiction Test from Psycom</a> - This site has tests for other kinds of addiction too, including <a href="https://www.psycom.net/drug-alcohol-addiction-treatment/phone-addiction-test" target="_blank">phone addiction</a>. </li></ul><div>In order to stop the addiction from taking over your life, you'll need a plan. Your plan will be different depending upon your circumstances but one of the key components will be "being aware of the time you're spending on the computer". </div><div><br /></div><div>Going "cold turkey" and stopping computer usage altogether will probably not work. You should instead aim to reduce your hours. Start by dropping an hour or two per day for the first week, then see if you can drop another hour in the second week and so on. </div><div><br /></div><div>The aim probably shouldn't be to drop your hours to zero unless computing is not essential to your life. Instead, you should try to fill those extra hours with the key items that excessive computing is taking from your life, starting with sleep. You should aim for about six to eight hours of sleep.</div><div><br /></div><div>Once your sleep patterns are under control, you should be starting to improve your interactions with family and friends by spending more "in-person" time with them, particularly outdoors and away from home.</div><div><br /></div><div>If you need supporting medication, it's most likely that your doctor will prescribe Anti-Anxiety or Anti-Depression Medications. </div><p>As with any kind of addiction-breaking routine, you will need support. Don't attempt to do it entirely by yourself. Get someone reliable to act as a sponsor for you. Someone who can help you find ways to reduce the pull of the addiction. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Can parents help you to stop?</h2><div>There's no doubt that parents may be able to assist individuals in reducing their computer addiction but it really depends on the kind of help that is being given (positive reinforcement is welcome but negative reinforcement is unlikely to be well received) -- and whether it is being sought by the individual. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>One thing that is clear is that external people generally can't force a person to give up their addiction. The individual first has to recognise that they have a problem and then decide to do something about it. Without these initial steps, parental involvement will have no effect. </i></div>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-7971302935671895562022-03-19T10:09:00.006+11:002022-03-19T10:13:30.816+11:00Book Review: Recognizing Autism in Women & Girls<p><b><i>I've always found it strange that autism seems to be mainly a "boy thing". Statistically, autism is recognised four times as often in boys as it is in girls but I've personally gotten much better at recognising the signs and I've gotten that "autism vibe" just as often from girls as I have from boys. I've always felt that it was simply harder to diagnose. </i></b></p><p>I was very keen to review this book because it's all about improving that recognition. </p><p>The book is called</p><p><b><a href="https://www.fhautism.com/shop/recognizing-autism-in-women-and-girls-when-it-has-been-hidden-well/" target="_blank">Recognizing Autism in Women & Girls: When it has been Hidden Well</a> </b></p><p>by Wendela Whitcomb Marsh MA, BCBA, RSD.</p><p>Published by Future Horizons Inc 2022.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK1G2P2RLqaeJsyZfXmrbXyGh_FkOfF0CT8gzHmZfq5IFzpxSA8TJKqCt4eUO5GK7Y_bMQYSEABfiRLfPgituz7kKLimFjeAJh-BDrOdXE9Bk0GccOvXUQtiQ6aCBnKfVIApIWfbAhrYRCpZKHvtcrt26OFavrH7-ZwfoPpqbg-7_eV8DYftTiGoA7/s572/RecognisingAutism.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="572" data-original-width="388" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK1G2P2RLqaeJsyZfXmrbXyGh_FkOfF0CT8gzHmZfq5IFzpxSA8TJKqCt4eUO5GK7Y_bMQYSEABfiRLfPgituz7kKLimFjeAJh-BDrOdXE9Bk0GccOvXUQtiQ6aCBnKfVIApIWfbAhrYRCpZKHvtcrt26OFavrH7-ZwfoPpqbg-7_eV8DYftTiGoA7/s320/RecognisingAutism.png" width="217" /></a></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Layout</h2><p>At 216 well spaced and neatly laid out pages, this book is very easy to read and after a forward by Dr Temple Grandin, its chapters move through each of the diagnostic criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th edition (DSM V) which is the currently main tool for autism diagnosis. The last few chapters cover a bit of post-diagnosis and diagnosis-related material.</p><p>Each chapter starts with one or two very relevant quotes, one of which is usually the criteria from the DSM V. Following this, there is an explanation of how that criteria presents with a bit of emphasis on women and girls. </p><p>The next sections cover the specific way in which this particular trait presents itself in "seven fictional women" with each woman having a subsection to herself (more on that later). </p><p>The chapters end with a round-up, appropriately called "behind the mask" which provides you with a series of questions that you can ask to help determine if a particular person matches the criteria.</p><p>The chapters end with insightful pieces called "in her own words" in which a different women per chapter talks about her particular traits and experience. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Insights</h2><div>I found the "seven fictional women" construct to be quiet fascinating as it makes the book readable in two different ways. </div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>There's the standard method, cover-to-cover, where each chapter has insight on how each of these seven women present their symptoms. This is great when you're comparing and contrasting different presentations. <br /><br /></li><li>There's also an opportunity for you to get to know each of the clients by looking at their collections of traits. For example, you may want to read through all of the sections on Penelope to understand how her various traits present and get a feel for how she would present as a whole person. </li></ul></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">The Aims</h2><div>This book is clearly aimed at professionals who need to make a diagnosis but it's also a great resource for others, particularly practicing GPs who often dismiss girls because their traits don't seem to match the criteria. For example, a female may appear to make better eye contact than a male but this doesn't mean that it isn't uncomfortable for them. It doesn't even mean that they're actually making "eye contact". You must look past the visible traits and determine what is really happening.</div><div><br /></div><div>This book also contains a lot of useful information for females with autism and their support networks. It's written in plain language and the example women as well as the women in the "in her own words" sections are all successful in their own way. It's great role-model material. </div><div><br /></div><div><div>The author, Dr Wendela Whitcomb Marsh is an adult autism assessment specialist. Her page on <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/wendela-whitcomb-marsh-salem-or/293438" target="_blank">Psychology today</a> says that she especially deals with "women, trans, and nonbinary folk who have been under-diagnosed and under-served".</div><div><br /></div><div>This book is available in paperback or as an eBook from <a href="https://www.fhautism.com/shop/recognizing-autism-in-women-and-girls-when-it-has-been-hidden-well/" target="_blank">Future Horizons Inc</a>, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Recognizing-Autism-Women-Girls-hidden/dp/194917784X" target="_blank">Amazon</a> and <a href="https://www.booktopia.com.au/recognizing-autism-in-women-and-girls-wendela-whitcomb-marsh/book/9781949177848.html">Booktopia</a>.</div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Disclaimer</h2></div><div>I was provided with a review copy of this book free of charge. </div>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-77024106364112737842022-03-06T18:15:00.001+11:002022-03-06T18:15:41.492+11:00Elon Musk and Asperger's Syndrome<p><b><i>I've just finished reading the 2016 biography of Elon Musk by Ashlee Vance. It's a great read and I'd highly recommend it but this post is not a book review - and it's not a person review either. I'm not being judgemental. </i></b></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-ccae9393-7fff-2e46-0b7d-d745f695fee7"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><i>Elon Musk has many traits which identify him as having Asperger's syndrome and I wanted to discuss how these traits help and hinder him because I see some of these traits in myself and others. Having a very visible and imperfect role model is a great thing and Asperger's and autistic kids in upcoming generations will benefit greatly from an understanding of Elon. </i></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><h2 style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">About the Book</h2><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">Since the book is the primary reason for my interest and it's such a great read, I want to start with a recommendation. I initially bought it for my dad but he convinced me to read it too. I'm a busy guy, so I got the audio book version. My kids are reading it now. </p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiPlZCm9pDbLhb0brqVOcJW_v8CWjcqTF-bh72rxkjfZAMAqccFgVfWCftmFNxdeuGTbstGg-Bj1O8UAD96XXYa3_kSlQ4w92nl7nzUJ8OmgL2nufvd9C7ZO6i0BTBeQneT4LtQ4xkGHamSMkn1a9kfMBHHAtBZ_wOCL0YCkozrgAw5COvsoK3CM6h7=s800" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="800" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiPlZCm9pDbLhb0brqVOcJW_v8CWjcqTF-bh72rxkjfZAMAqccFgVfWCftmFNxdeuGTbstGg-Bj1O8UAD96XXYa3_kSlQ4w92nl7nzUJ8OmgL2nufvd9C7ZO6i0BTBeQneT4LtQ4xkGHamSMkn1a9kfMBHHAtBZ_wOCL0YCkozrgAw5COvsoK3CM6h7=w400-h250" width="400" /></a></div><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">The Book is: <u>Elon Musk: How the Billionaire CEO of SpaceX and Tesla is Shaping our Future</u> by Ashlee Vance 2016. It's available from bookstores including <a href="https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/0753555646/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_HPX83JN90385Z0HDYZXH?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1" target="_blank">Amazon</a> and the <a href="https://play.google.com/store/audiobooks/details/Ashlee_Vance_Elon_Musk?id=AQAAAADdP1c_mM" target="_blank">Google Play Store</a>.</p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><h2 style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">Does Elon Musk have Asperger's Syndrome?</h2><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">At one point in the book, Ashlee directly addresses people who claim that Elon has Asperger's saying that it's not as simple as this. It was pretty clear to me as a reader that Ashlee didn't have a very good understanding of Asperger's syndrome.</p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">Maybe Elon wasn't familiar with Aspergers when the book was released in 2016 but when he hosted Saturday Night Live in 2021, <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-57045770" target="_blank">he told viewers</a> that he was "the first person with Asperger's" to host it. That's enough for me. </p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">Prior to reading this book, I thought Elon was an amusing person with outrageous ideas and a tendency to speak before thinking. After reading the book, I realise that I completely misjudged him and I have great respect for him. The fact that Asperger's is so key to both his genius and the problematic perception of him is what inspired me to write this post. I see things in Elon that I've seen in many other people on the spectrum. </p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><h2 style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">How Asperger's Helps</h2>One of the greatest strengths of Asperger's is the concentration of learning and expertise around a special interest. In Elon's case, this special interest is in the "saving of the planet". That's a pretty broad area. </span><div><span><br /></span></div><div><span>Most of Elon Musk's key businesses, particularly Tesla and SpaceX are concentrated around this special interest. In the case of Telsa, it's about using renewable energy while in the case of SpaceX, it's directed towards the eventual establishment of a backup plan, specifically, a colony on Mars. </span></div><div><span><br /></span></div><div><span>This broad special interest ensures that Elon is an expert across a massive array of disciplines and that his understanding is far deeper than that of the average CEO. This gets him a lot of respect from his workforce and ensures that having him involved in meetings and decisions will lead to better outcomes. <br /></span><div><span><br /></span></div><div><span>They say that aspies attract other aspies and I've found that to be true in my own life. One of the interesting things about Elon's companies is that he tends to find a lot of amazing like-minded deep-thinking staff. Part of this is certainly due to his recruitment practices and his ability to "talk-shop" but I think it's also that he creates a very "aspie-friendly" environment and that he surrounds himself with people who are unique in their own ways. It's interesting to see how Elon spends his downtime. Among other things, he's a gaming enthusiast and the book told of how he would sometimes convert his factories into gaming hubs after hours to play against his workers. This would have made him more approachable as a CEO. </span></div><div><span><br /></span></div><div><span>One of the hallmarks of Asperger's syndrome is that aspies have a unique way of looking at problems. It's what neurotypicals refer to as "thinking outside the box". In Elons' case, many of his greatest advances have been made because he refuses to simply accept conventional thinking and tries to resolve things on his own terms. This was particularly evident in the way he sought components for SpaceX, where he decided that the notion that going to space was extremely expensive needed to be challenged - and when others were unable to deliver, he took on the manufacturing duties in a traditionally outsourced area. </span></div><div><span><br /></span></div><div><span>The same insight applied at Tesla when he decided that he wanted a "sexy car" - not just one that was "electric" and then went on to make it an extremely practical vehicle as well. Today, these seem like fairly obvious decisions but when they were made, they were radical choices and gave his companies a real edge on the competition. </span></div><div><span><br /></span></div><div><span>Perfectionism is also a common Asperger's trait. It can lead to giant problems as things never get released on time due to constant refinements. This is true of many of the Tesla and SpaceX features on which Elon refused to compromise. In both cases, this drive to produced a perfect product almost bankrupted him but through a combination of luck, skill and ingenuity, it worked - and, as intended, it produced clearly superior products.</span></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">How Asperger's Hinders</h2><div>Meltdowns are a key part of Asperger's syndrome. It doesn't mean that people with Aspergers become violent necessarily but rather than their reactions to everyday failings and bad news can be more extreme than others. Often this results in impulsive behaviour, which could be physical violence or equally, particularly in Elon's case, "grammatical violence". </div><div><br /></div><div>Elon is well known for his very direct and expletive filled emails. tweets and verbal outbursts. These unfortunately have cost him in a number of ways, from the loss of good people to the loss of business, investor or boardroom faith. In some cases, these outbursts have had legal repercussions. </div><div><br /></div><div>Having good administration and communications staff can make a great difference to the reception of strongly-worded messages and it was clear that Elon needed them in his early days. Recently however, Elon has handled most of his communications himself and while the results are still mixed, they're improving. </div><div><br /></div><div>People with Asperger's syndrome often lack people skills. They're so results focused that they forget to make small talk. This seems to be the case with Elon and in his first couple of companies, it cost him his CEO position. Ashlee's book recounts an incident in Russia where this lack of small talk almost cost Elon a whole lot more. </div><div><br /></div><div>Interestingly, between PayPal and his subsequent ventures, it seems that Elon began to understand this problem and has actively been working on it. He still seems to be a difficult person to work for, with little understanding that others need a little downtime but it also shows that people with Asperger's can change and improve themselves in this regard. </div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Lessons Learned</h2><div>There are a lot of important lessons in Elon Musk's work for people with Asperger's syndrome. The most key of these are:</div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Follow your special interest</b> - The broader your special interest is, the better. If your special interest seems to be something you can't monetize, then broaden it into something that you can.</li><li><b>Work on your people skills</b> - These are one of the weaker areas for people with Aspergers's but with work, you can improve. You'll need good people skills to survive in the workforce.</li><li><b>Find Like-Minded Friends</b> - You can't do everything on your own. Look out for people who seem to have similar skills and drive to yourselves. </li><li><b>Get Control over your Meltdowns</b> - Meltdowns are bad for business. Work on early detection and if you think you're being overstimulated, withdraw from company. You should never make important decisions or send company-wide emails or tweets when you're in a meltdown state. </li></ul></div><div>I want to end with a recommendation of both Elon Musk himself, as he's an excellent role model, and Ashlee Vance's book, which makes for great reading. In the words of Chancellor Palpatine, "we'll follow your career with great interest.."</div><div><br /></div><div><span>--</span></div><div><span><i>Note: I've used the word Asperger's throughout this post instead of the "currently more acceptable" term: autism because Asperger's is the word that Elon used to describe himself. </i></span></div></div>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-74017056498570151142022-02-13T15:05:00.000+11:002022-02-13T15:05:07.047+11:00Single Parenting and Kids on the Spectrum - Part 3<p><b><i>Parenting kids on the spectrum comes with a unique set of challenges and being a single parent puts its own spin on this. In my previous two posts, I looked at parenting <a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2022/01/single-parenting-1.html">young</a> and <a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2022/01/single-parenting-2.html">school-aged</a> children. In this post, I want to look at the some of the problems that are common when single parenting young autistic adults. </i></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEheRIGY6fqHdC2P6xRp5WZ1cOssZoUbge8aczwJqF-jDka_757ptNmUx8_f-eqM_enDY4yflAU4C5GK4NlFescmKQKcfNyiZ3F5Tbc8L6isAhi08RqbTbb-aYYgdE0r_rvRn5Pofav8o_q2ewlRtsZoJrwNIOUzupVsNPKvEMgBCy-vQ2AOZwCRX-4b=s911" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="622" data-original-width="911" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEheRIGY6fqHdC2P6xRp5WZ1cOssZoUbge8aczwJqF-jDka_757ptNmUx8_f-eqM_enDY4yflAU4C5GK4NlFescmKQKcfNyiZ3F5Tbc8L6isAhi08RqbTbb-aYYgdE0r_rvRn5Pofav8o_q2ewlRtsZoJrwNIOUzupVsNPKvEMgBCy-vQ2AOZwCRX-4b=w400-h272" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p><i>As usual, a quick disclaimer that I'm not a single parent, so my knowledge of this area is not first hand. It is based upon co-parenting my own autistic children and on countless observations and discussions with parents in this situation. </i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Disappearing without Notice</h2><p>Teens and young adults generally have a lot more freedom than younger children. They have pocket money, and in some cases earnings. They can be reasonably street or bush savvy and they usually have a better understanding of public transport. Many autistic adults can drive too. All of this means that they are far more likely to disappear for hours, sometimes days, without telling anyone where they are going. </p><p>This is especially true of young autistic adults in single-parent relationships as there are less sets of eyes on them at all times. Often their parent has to work, leaving them at home by themselves for long stretches. </p><p><i>You can't stop these kids from wandering but there are ways in which you can reduce the danger. </i></p><h3 style="text-align: left;">A Smartphone is Key</h3><p>First and foremost, it's important to be able to find your kids when they disappear. There are two key things to enable this. First, you need to make sure that they have a smartphone, it doesn't have to be the world's flashiest smartphone but it needs to be capable of the following; </p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Making and receiving calls and texts</li><li>Responding to "find my phone"</li><li>Pinpointing locations via Google (or Apple) maps</li><li>Charging quickly, and preferably wirelessly</li><li>Taking photos</li><li>Phone based payments (tap and go) if possible - as this removes the need for a wallet. </li></ul><p></p><p>There are some quite cheap android options that will do this, so don't feel trapped into buying a thousand dollar phone. You'll also need to make sure that you have a good protective case on the phone, I recommend a survivor type case and hardened glass on the front. Make sure that you add a PIN number and engage biometrics (fingerprints) too. </p><p><i>If you're not sure how to configure the phone, get some help as you'll need to be able to activate find my phone from your own phone, to locate your young adult. </i></p><p>You should ensure that your young adult knows how to contact you, how to answer calls and texts and how to take photos, use maps and determine their location. </p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Wallets and Tiles</h3><p>The other key item is the wallet. It should contain </p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>A house key, some money,</li><li>Some minor identifying data but not full addresses and not important documents**</li><li>A Smart tile if possible</li></ul><p></p><p><i>** In all likelihood, the wallet is going to get lost at some point. The last thing you want in there is your address and a house key. The key is more important than a full address as your young adult should know their own address off by heart and should at least know their suburb and key landmarks. </i></p><p>A smart tile is one thing that I really strongly recommend. In fact, I have one attached to my keys at all times. There's an apple equivalent, called an "airtag" but the <a href="https://www.thetileapp.com/">standard tile</a> is cheap and works well for all phones. </p><p>A tile will enable you to track its location and unlike a phone, it doesn't need charging, just a battery change once per year. You should put the tile into a safe but unused part of the wallet. This will be your backup when the phone runs out of battery and it will also help you to recover the wallet if it is lost or stolen. </p><p><i>Finally, you'll need to make sure that your young adult has a clear understanding of right and wrong, what to do if they meet "wrong people" and where to go to for help (local police). Sometimes it helps to give them some cards with your contact details and a quick description of their diagnosis. This can help to get you into important conversations earlier as they can hand the card to police if they get into trouble. </i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Arguments and Meltdowns</h2><p>If your child is autistic then you're likely no stranger to arguments and meltdowns. Unfortunately, as your kids get older, these arguments tend to get louder and more heated. Meltdowns too become more of a problem because the resulting damage can be much larger and more costly. </p><p>Arguments that escalate are more of a problem in single-parent relationships because you don't have another adult to back you up. As with small children, it's important to pick your battles. You might think that you know that there are no blue apples but winning an argument about it with your teen isn't going to make any difference. </p><p><i>Arguments put a strains on relationships and while it's important to win arguments relating to safety, arguments over what your young adult wants to wear to work usually aren't worth the added stress. </i></p><p>It's also important to teach your young adult about the "pick your battles" rule. You need to help them understand how and when to lose an argument gracefully. Just don't try to teach them this in the middle of an argument. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Problem Behaviour</h2><p>When your kids are younger, there's usually an adult present to stop problem behaviour before it starts. Often, the mere presence of an adult is enough to stop adolescents acting on a whim but with all the hormonal activity in their body and a reduction in supervision comes the risk of problem behaviour. </p><p>Problem behaviour refers to all kinds of undesirable social behaviour and it isn't always sexual in nature however in teens and young adults, it more often is. In girls, the behaviours are often related to promiscuity and narcotics which can lead to violence. In boys, early problem behaviours tend to be acts of stalking or exposure which can, in extreme circumstances, lead to police charges. </p><p>It's critical to keep talking to your young adults about their day and their feelings. As a parent, you need to look for signs that they are engaging in problem behaviour because most likely they won't engage in it while you're around. You can't address problem behaviour if you don't know that it's happening. </p><p>Another issue can occur in single-parent or single-sex relationships is a lack of balance. Boys in particular, can develop unhealthy attitudes towards women. It's very important to keep the conversation flowing about how to treat other people and about dating etiquette -- even if your young adult isn't dating yet. This helps to prevent the development of unhealthy attitudes. </p><p>It's also good to show an interest in what your young adult is doing on the internet, for example, what YouTube channels they are watching, where they go on reddit and discord and what types of comments they are making. I'm not suggesting that you install spyware or cyber-stalk them, just show an interest and listen to what the have to say and what they consider funny. If you come across anything that seems odd, resist the temptation to criticise on the spot as that will probably get you kicked out of their social media circles. Just make a note of attitudes that need a little help and address them later in a way that doesn't reveal their source. Remember, the goal is to teach new points of view, not to enforce them. </p><p><i>This concludes the series on single parenting kids on the spectrum. I had to leave quite a bit out, particularly from this post, in order to keep them short. I'll most likely include these bits in future posts.</i></p>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-42527456446484517492022-01-30T20:45:00.002+11:002022-01-30T20:47:54.358+11:00Single Parenting and Kids on the Spectrum - Part 2<p>Last week, I had some tips for <a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2022/01/single-parenting-1.html">single-parenting very young autistic children</a>. This time I want to give you some tips for single parents of school aged children.</p><p>As before, I want to start off with a disclaimer that I'm not a single parent. The ideas here are some of the more popular ones from discussions with single parents over the years. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj2yp6nBTSzKQi4hX2HzOKyK-600Mtvp_tvQ668GOEwqzcG4XFJh4QfYI39BPh5yEBWlT3w6s8RkEcYBlsX3tynXDA076qriqp6NaqalHUg8NG0ijyoXOc2K0mgSmpT8MVX2ImBK1Biqq8zcnavOpwI1S_2BeY_99OWg1ueyqe_t13Dqzlo_ZXNVR73=s925" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="925" height="260" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj2yp6nBTSzKQi4hX2HzOKyK-600Mtvp_tvQ668GOEwqzcG4XFJh4QfYI39BPh5yEBWlT3w6s8RkEcYBlsX3tynXDA076qriqp6NaqalHUg8NG0ijyoXOc2K0mgSmpT8MVX2ImBK1Biqq8zcnavOpwI1S_2BeY_99OWg1ueyqe_t13Dqzlo_ZXNVR73=w400-h260" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/sarahbernier3140-815740/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=656734">sarahbernier3140</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=656734">Pixabay</a></span></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;">Address the Problems, not the Diagnosis</h2><p>Failure to accept the diagnosis seems to be the single biggest gripe among single parents of kids on the spectrum. It's quite common for one parent, usually the one who has the kids the least, does not accept the diagnosis. They often insist that their child is "normal" and try to blame their child's differences on the other parent. </p><p>It's a big problem and it can make it very difficult for parents to get access to appropriate funding, medication and services. This problem rears its head even in dual parent relationships and even when both parents are onboard, it's very common for grandparents to not accept the label.</p><p>Unfortunately there's not a whole lot that you can do about label acceptance. This shouldn't stop you from getting a diagnosis but when parents aren't in alignment over medical treatment, it can have a huge impact on everything, particularly medications and support services. </p><p>Dealing with parents who won't accept labels is a little talking to a flat-earther. It doesn't matter how many arguments you get into with them, you won't be able to change their mind. </p><p><i>If your ex isn't onboard with the label, then your best bet is to drop the subject with them. Sometimes this means that you can't use medications that need to be tapered on and off. Instead, </i><i>concentrate on things that you can prove.</i></p><p>For example, if your child is scoring low in math, you could argue for a tutor. If their speech or comprehension is problematic, then speech therapy might hold the answer. Perhaps your child's teacher or doctor may recommend occupational therapy. </p><p>Use your child's grades and teacher's recommendations to make a case for the specific services you need -- and of course, your ex should pay for some services at least. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Overthinking Things Doesn't Help</h2><p>A lot of single parents overthink everything ranging from guilt over their child, their separation or the reduced time that they can spend with their child. </p><p>Leave your guilt at the door. What's done is done and no amount of analysis is going to make things different. Guilt won't help you or your child so, it is important to keep your thoughts in the present. Where you are, what you have available to work with and what your short term goals are.</p><p><i>Set good achievable short term goals and celebrate your wins as they happen. If there are barriers to those goals, make sure that you articulate them.</i> </p><p>For example, if you are under-resourced, talk to your ex, your parents, teachers or other people in the community. Who knows, someone might be willing to sponsor your journey, or someone might have old equipment, such as computers or clothing that are suitable for your child. </p><p><i>Don't be afraid to accept a little charity. People feel good when they can help, so charity is a win for both sides.</i></p><p>Sometimes overthinking extends to far future ideas like your child's independence or ability to get a job. It doesn't help when teachers tell you that your child will probably live in a "group home". Don't be tempted to decide their future for them. There's no need to go closing doors at this stage in their life. </p><p>Resist the "helicopter parent" and instead give your child a little space to struggle and fail. It's important to remember that we learn as much from our failures as we do from our successes. Over-protecting your child will take valuable learning opportunities away from them. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Perfection is not a Goal</h2><p>Your house is going to be messy, your child will not get straight A's (in fact they may never get an A or a B in their entire academic life) but that's no reason to give up. You're going to be tired all the time but that's because as a single parent, you are doing the work of two. </p><p>Take respite opportunities when they arise and "go out" and find some "me time" when your partner has your child. When your child is old enough to be "safe" in the house for a while, lock the bathroom door and have an uninterrupted shower. </p><p><i>A relaxed parent will always do a better job than one that is "stressed to the max".</i></p><p>The people who love and support you and your child will accept you for who you are. Of course, there will be other people who criticise your "messy" life and choices but these aren't friends. They'll out themselves over time and when they do, it's usually best to "unfriend" them as quickly as possible.</p><p>Your critics don't know what it is like to walk in your shoes and they're prioritising appearances over friendship. You don't need people like this in your life. </p>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-77755316878444210222022-01-22T10:18:00.003+11:002022-01-22T10:20:01.196+11:00 Single Parenting and Kids on the Spectrum - Part 1<p><b><i>I get a lot of correspondence from single parents with autistic children. In the vast majority of the cases, it's single mothers with boys, though sometimes it's fathers and sometimes it's girls. </i></b></p><p>I can't claim to be an authority on the subject because I am not, and have never been a single parent but I've had feedback to say that my advice has worked and I've seen some incredible single parents complete the journey and bring their kids up to be responsible and empathetic adults.</p><p>In this series, I'd like to look at some of the techniques that work, starting with younger kids. I'll cover older kids later on in the series. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi4vQuZ-2Fc8DhWEKeBYj0uYyHkbaG623VSVSkCcHV76y3czxTu_kCmIyvJT_UIGNMPIQ8ymJeXgIK0GYx-LV2YQZUQSEFZZ7SYX7t2Nh-Pn9M7V0_9CfogvsO76zhygaIvQg5yGisC0yyvjoLkiTnNKiw-sPLLbrmENCf2w4F7ZUs8wfyFQVHyPFMA=s1920" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="1920" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi4vQuZ-2Fc8DhWEKeBYj0uYyHkbaG623VSVSkCcHV76y3czxTu_kCmIyvJT_UIGNMPIQ8ymJeXgIK0GYx-LV2YQZUQSEFZZ7SYX7t2Nh-Pn9M7V0_9CfogvsO76zhygaIvQg5yGisC0yyvjoLkiTnNKiw-sPLLbrmENCf2w4F7ZUs8wfyFQVHyPFMA=w400-h266" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/nastya_gepp-3773230/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=6684962">Anastasia Gepp</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=6684962">Pixabay</a></span></td></tr></tbody></table><h2 style="text-align: left;">Being Under-Resourced</h2><p>More often than not, single parents face resourcing issues. They are short of cash, time and space. This makes it difficult, particularly when the other parent is over-resourced. You can't compete on a low income with a parent who can afford to buy your kid anything they ask for. You have to make sacrifices.</p><p>It's not all bad news though. At younger ages, many of the best bonding activities are free. Taking a walk to the park, doing the shopping together, cooking together and doing crafts or playing together are all activities that need time, not money. It's common for over-resourced parents to spend a lot of money on their kids but not much time. </p><p><i>Right now, money might seem to be the winner but as they grow older and look back on their relationship with you, your kids will appreciate that the time you spend with them was more valuable. </i></p><p>One of the biggest problems of under-resourcing is space. Most young kids can't help themselves and will spread their toys throughout the house making every room a potential barefoot-Lego death-trap. No matter how much you ask, some kids simply never learn to clean up after themselves. </p><p>If this is your kid, then one of the best options is to box up their toys into "groups" within boxes. For example, I always put my son's army toys in the same box as his dinosaurs because this allowed him to cross-play between them (their sizes were more or less relative). </p><p><i>The rule then becomes that they can have another box as soon as the first one is fully packed up. Of course, in order for this to work, you'll need to keep the boxes somewhere, such as the garage, where they're not easily accessed. </i></p><p>If you do have some space, try to have the toys in a different room to the bedroom because having a bedroom full of toys means that your child will play with them instead of sleeping. It also means that you either have to tidy up every night - or risk stepping on things in the dark. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Arguments</h2><p>At young ages, the "war of words" won't be very sophisticated and you can't expect common sense to prevail. You may well be able to find ten good reasons why your child shouldn't do something but it won't make any difference. If you nit-pick every little thing, you only damage your relationship with your child, especially if the other parent is overly permissive. </p><p><i>Pick your battles. Only get involved in arguments with young children if there's a very important gain for both of you. For example, preventing your child from leaving the house on their own. </i></p><p>If there isn't, then don't waste time on it. You can try to force a given behaviour such as "cleaning your room" but if things become too stressed, you need to let these things go for the sake of your relationship. If this means that you have to close the door on messy toy rooms when visitors come over, then that's how it is. Most visitors will understand - and those judgemental people who don't will have outed themselves as people your don't need in your life. </p><p><i>Shorten your feedback. We all want to teach but if your child is not not ready to listen, you're wasting your breath. If your child is literally only going to hear the first couple of words, then get your message out in those words only. Be short, authoritative and direct. Don't engage in debate.</i> </p><p>Reduce any violence in your parent-child relationship by not tolerating violence or shouting. Don't do it yourself (though it will be tempting at times). If your child starts to shout, say calmly. "We're not talking if you are shouting". </p><p>If they continue to shout, leave the room. If there's any violence, leave the room. Do not engage if they are displaying any form of negative communication. You need your kids to understand that it fails. Giving in to negative communication will reinforce it and make them more likely to use it next time. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Gender Balance</h2><p>While I don't want to go so far as to say that a child needs both a mother and a father (they don't), I do want to suggest that males and females bring very different things to the relationship. There is nothing wrong with single sex families but exposure to the other gender can open a lot of doors and bring new insight and new experiences. </p><p>If you still have contact with your child's other parent, the time spent with that other parent will hopefully be educational. This is particularly important if your child is not the same gender as you. Of course, if the other parent is uncontactable or is not a good role model, there are plenty of other opportunities to explore. This could include teachers, scout leaders or simply grandparents. </p><p><i>Gender balance is still possible in same sex relationships but no matter how hard you try you can never be sure that you're providing the whole experience. Often, if you don't provide gender balance opportunities for your child, they will find their own.</i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Happiness and Energy</h2><p>The key to any successful relationship is happiness. So long as you and your child are happy, your circumstances don't matter. </p><p><i>As a good parent, you're probably doing your best to keep your child happy -- but are you looking after yourself?</i></p><p>You need to take steps to ensure that you remain happy. This means that you need to take time out to work on yourself and on your happiness. Even though you are doing the best that you can, you can't expect to be the best carer if you don't look after yourself. </p><p>You need to get regular rest, slow down and try to get more enjoyment out of your day. Sometimes this means that you need to offload your child to respite, to parents or to your ex. Having a break when you need one will mean that you have more energy to spend on positive experiences with your child.</p>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-26318881936292880522022-01-08T07:49:00.001+11:002022-01-08T07:49:19.929+11:00Welcome to 2022<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgdIBElCvhz88XHZ7vmKA5AFj8owAAx4c5vEoP2fBMLMBKxBxUhqiPLSfDkUqtLq-0LtqzVU4IQjWbCfaJxqZQ3DSHSi5LDUaCtCbC00uaHL88YlQ2JAGJc7Fl2xYhEUia2BLAmWxu8-5Lk3otLiNQXuVY0C9fS-XjhTtgrw32xNTVC9fZPbMzfchtV=s960" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="960" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgdIBElCvhz88XHZ7vmKA5AFj8owAAx4c5vEoP2fBMLMBKxBxUhqiPLSfDkUqtLq-0LtqzVU4IQjWbCfaJxqZQ3DSHSi5LDUaCtCbC00uaHL88YlQ2JAGJc7Fl2xYhEUia2BLAmWxu8-5Lk3otLiNQXuVY0C9fS-XjhTtgrw32xNTVC9fZPbMzfchtV=w400-h266" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p>It's 2022 and after something of a hiatus, I'm back. I figure it's time for an update on who I am and where my family is at. </p><p>I'm on the autism spectrum and am in my early 50s. I lived the first 35 years of my life with no knowledge of my place on the spectrum and little understanding of autism. My two sons, both with Asperger's syndrome are now aged 18 and 21. I'm still with my wife of 24 years and I'm still employed full time in the IT section of the financial sector. </p><p>I've been blogging on the subject of autism and Asperger's since 2007 and prior to that I was a regular on the WrongPlanet Aspergers forum. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">My Eldest</h2><p>When my eldest son was in school, he was fairly social but not terribly academic. We naturally expected this trend to continue after school. What seems to have happened is exactly the opposite. </p><p>Since leaving school my eldest has been employed full time and is doing his second diploma at TAFE. This is great but socially he's struggling. We're finding that like many young adults today, he's addicted to computer games. COVID hasn't helped either, it's made many kids too scared to go out.</p><p>I wonder if as parents, we focused too much on helping him to develop his weaker side and neglected his stronger traits. My plan for this year is to see if we can work on the social side.</p><h2 style="text-align: left;">My Youngest</h2><p>My youngest is the opposite. At school, we weren't too worried about academic progress but we were worried about his social skills. This completely turned around in his last couple of years at school and now he has a good life outside of school. </p><p>He finished his schooling in December last year, so our focus will be on post-school academics and work. </p><p>As with my eldest, this is the opposite scenario to what we anticipated. It's a strange situation to be in.</p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Overall</h2><p>2021 was an incredibly difficult year for us as, I know, it was for many other people too. I guess that now it's time for us to pick up the pieces and find ourselves again.</p>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-26316146223536229772021-06-05T07:04:00.002+10:002021-06-05T07:06:32.210+10:00Do we become more autistic as we get older?<p><b></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b style="text-align: left;"><i><p style="text-align: left;"><b><i> <span style="font-size: 17px;">It seems an odd question but it's one that crops up with alarming regularity on autism forums with older members. It's also a loaded question because the literal answer is clearly, "No, there is no charge in the level of autism in us as we age.</span></i></b></p></i></b><p style="text-align: left;"></p><span style="font-size: 17px; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: left;"><i>The subjective answer however is quite different.</i></div></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 17px; text-align: left;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiPa7M9ROY2AjYQqZxg501ZPxVg9u7sT5rJmOgxq7VyH5_YOif0nYNEVQjkUJa8NaeDzNP6mRL7ymI9hPVJk71dqvr2-XpD_PJ4DVz5FrlNn_Pq98kdexKQnKfrDcX44y6ZLepkEW18WM/s1200/baby-623417_1920.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="893" data-original-width="1200" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiPa7M9ROY2AjYQqZxg501ZPxVg9u7sT5rJmOgxq7VyH5_YOif0nYNEVQjkUJa8NaeDzNP6mRL7ymI9hPVJk71dqvr2-XpD_PJ4DVz5FrlNn_Pq98kdexKQnKfrDcX44y6ZLepkEW18WM/w400-h297/baby-623417_1920.jpg" width="400" /></a></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: x-small;">Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/cherylholt-209609/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=623417">Cheryl Holt</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=623417">Pixabay</a></span></b></div><b><i><p><span style="font-size: 17px;">What does it mean?</span></p></i></b>
<span style="font-size: 17px;">When we ask whether we become more autistic, what we're really trying to ask is whether our autistic traits become more pronounced over time. It's an interesting question.</span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 17px;">The visibility of our autistic traits waxes and wanes throughout our lives based on personal and environmental circumstances.</span><div><span style="font-size: 17px;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 17px;"></span><span style="font-size: 17px;">To answer this, we need to take a look at how autistic traits manifest in different age groups. <br /></span><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: 17px;">Babies</span></h2>
<span style="font-size: 17px;">When we start out in life, the expectations on us are fairly simple. We are expected to sleep, cry and drink milk. Any differences that we may have will usually have little effect on our ability to deliver in these areas. We're also primarily around inexperienced and young mothers who don't know how to interpret the differences in their child's behaviour compared to other children.</span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 17px;">Sometimes observant parents will notice some differences but even if they are remarked upon, they usually don't get brought up in the right circles. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: 17px;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 17px;"><i>For the most part, autism in babies goes completely unnoticed. </i></span><br /><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: 17px;">Young Children </span></h2>
<span style="font-size: 17px;">As we get older and the expectations upon us increase, they begin to attract more attention,. Autistic toddlers are seen to be more aloof, to fail to make good eye contact or to hit all their developmental milestones just a little too late.</span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 17px;">The milestones in particular make developmental delays, including autism so much easier to detect and the sudden appearance of detectable signs at this age is one of the reasons why vaccination was once considered to be a cause.</span><br /><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: 17px;">Older Children </span></h2>
<span style="font-size: 17px;">The visibility of autism climbs from here with increasing activity, increasing demands and increasing measurement all leading to greater visibility. Children start to have meltdowns as distinct from temper tantrums and they begin to more visibly communicate anxiety. Children display other common signs, lining up their toys, speaking in monotone, developing focused special interests and showing fascination with the parts of objects.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: 17px;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 17px;">When children reach school age they are handed over to experienced teachers who have seen many kinds of differences and who can easily compare one child to several of their peers. If autism hasn't been detected before school, it's certainly likely to be picked up there/</span></div><div><span style="font-size: 17px;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 17px;"><i>There are some very good reasons why you should listen when teachers tell you that your child is different. </i><br /></span><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: 17px;">Post Diagnosis </span></h2>
<span style="font-size: 17px;">It's probable that the visibility of autistic traits would continue increase gradually over time were it not for modern therapy which essentially seeks to "normalise" behaviour. I'll leave the debate on the merits of this approach for another time.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: 17px;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 17px;"></span><span style="font-size: 17px;">After diagnosis, children on the spectrum are taught how to adjust and disguise their symptoms to fit in. They're taught how to recognise a meltdown before it happens and how remove themselves from a potentially explosive situation. Extra attention is placed on getting them to develop social norms and various therapies are engaged, including speech therapy which encourages them to lose the monotone. <br /></span><br /><span style="font-size: 17px;">As children are "normalised", they learn to exhibit socially acceptable behaviour and to hide their differences from others. This form of repression can significantly reduce the visibility of autistic traits - and these learnings can last a lifetime though without constant reinforcement, they usually wear off eventually.</span>
<br /><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: 17px;">Getting Older </span></h2>
<span style="font-size: 17px;">Getting back to the original question, it seems clear that when individuals are diagnosed and are subjected to behaviour modification, they "become less autistic as they get older" but only up to a certain point.</span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 17px;">The turning point tends to be the point at which the behaviour modifications stop. This will vary from one person to the next as it depends upon their living situation. Young adults who live with their parents, and whose parents are actively shaping behaviour will probably remain "programmed for normality" for longer. </span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 17px;">People who marry partners who correct and influence their behaviour will also suppress their traits for longer. This is also true of people who work in places where they're surrounded by staff who care for them.</span></div><div><br /></div><div><i>Having a good support network seems to be a major factor in retaining "normal" traits. </i><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: 17px;">Reversion</span></h2>
<span style="font-size: 17px;">People who are left to their own devices will revert back to familiar patterns more quickly because they don't have to "mask" for anyone. This is particularly true of people who live alone. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-size: 17px;">Reversion is also common among people who understand their diagnosis and embrace it. In this case, people are making a conscious decision to unmask.</span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 17px;">In these cases, people absolutely allow their autistic traits to become more visible. The process of letting go is gradual as people who are unmasking need to feel comfortable and supported in order to grow. </span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 17px;">It's very common for adults who are coming to terms with a diagnosis to read and talk about it on the internet. It's quite likely that for a group of autistic adults on an autism forum on the internet, autistic traits become more visible as they become more accepting and begin to "unmask".</span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 17px;">There's one more factor behind age and unmasking. I've noticed that quite a lot of older people seem to develop a sense of social entitlement with age. That is, they develop the attitude that they can "say whatever they want". It's not uncommon for people who have been normalised to relax their conditioning under these circumstances. </span>
<br /><br /><span style="font-size: 17px;"><i>In that sense, I guess that it's true. The older we get the more autistic we become. </i></span><br /></div>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-58980563858094964182021-05-15T12:56:00.004+10:002021-05-15T12:59:06.092+10:00 Kate Goldfield - In Memoriam<p><b><i>I've been taking a break from blogging for a while because it seemed to me that the world had bigger problems than autism and Asperger's syndrome. I figured that eventually things would go back to normal but now it seems they never will. Too much has changed. </i></b></p><p>One of the key moments was the loss of one of my good friends, a fellow blogger with autism who I met a couple of decades ago when we all used to call it Asperger's. We never met in person, though we once got within 100 miles of each other before illness intervened. </p><p><i>Her passing hit me hard, but it's odd. It didn't hit so much immediately, but it's certainly been hitting me over the past few weeks. </i></p><p>I'll try to explain that. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_6D5PhniaVnqB8W5KlAapO9yi9bONrs1yjUrSH-Bx2fXnThyeCrreJXRkNoYEhPk4-6DFYaMD375nRo3WvAlC0zLmNps7eLtMrre3tSouvpZ4P_ik99LTR2NcNAJe9uAPwDBqUrgG27Q/s1883/KateGoldfield.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1260" data-original-width="1883" height="429" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_6D5PhniaVnqB8W5KlAapO9yi9bONrs1yjUrSH-Bx2fXnThyeCrreJXRkNoYEhPk4-6DFYaMD375nRo3WvAlC0zLmNps7eLtMrre3tSouvpZ4P_ik99LTR2NcNAJe9uAPwDBqUrgG27Q/w640-h429/KateGoldfield.jpg" title="Kate Goldfield" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Kate. from her facebook pictures, June 2014 (with a few colour tweaks)</i></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;">Losing People</h2><p>I think that initially it's much easier to lose someone online than it is to lose someone you see every day in "real life". It's because with people who are online, we're used to them being offline for long periods of time. What I've learned however is that the long term effects are just as devastating.</p><p>I'll see something and think, "oh wow, I'll have to tell Kate about that..." and then realise that I can't. I'll be doing simple things, daily tasks, for example hanging out the washing and I'll remember that she thought it was weird that people in Australia hang their washing out instead of putting it into another machine for drying. It's the little things that hurt. </p><p>I wanted to talk a little about Kate. I think it's important because there are so many other people out there like her, and because sometimes talking about things can often help me to get to a better place in my own head. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">About Kate</h2><p>When I first met her, Kate was a very outspoken young lady who had strong ideas about what was right and what was wrong. They were her personal ideas and though I don't necessarily agree with them all, she was incredibly defensive of them. In many ways she was much more caring and forgiving than I. </p><p>Kate could spot offensive words or turns of phrase in songs, TV shows and everyday speech. At times, I thought that everything was triggering for her. She would instantly jump on a song that I like for the tune and find fault with it - and she could take the head off even the best "well-wishers" if they put a word out of place. It was okay though, I learned a lot from this.</p><p>Kate seemed to happily approach the shadiest of individuals to talk to them and bring a little joy to their lives with her jokes and puns. She was the very opposite of judgemental. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">The Challenges</h2><p>Autism brings with it a whole heap of challenges but the challenges that Kate faced were some of the worst I'd ever heard of. She didn't seem to be bothered by many of the usual issues which make social interactions difficult for autistic people such as eye contact but she had a lot of "invisible" sensory challenges which made a lot of everyday activities impossible for her. </p><p>Kate had high sensitivity to noise, smells, touch and sight. Going shopping could be a nightmare for her. We talked about options such as dark glasses and earplugs but she felt outraged at having to make these changes when other people did not. It took me a while to really understand her anger at this but I did understand. It was unfair. </p><p>My constant search for solutions didn't help either. Most of the time, she just wanted someone to listen -- but of course, "solving problems" is very much a male condition. It's something that we do subconsciously. I'd also try to listen though but my listening skills were so poor and being "emotive" just doesn't come naturally to me. Sometimes I think that by trying to be calm, I just fuelled her anger. I think she wanted others to feel the same level of outrage. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">The Chair</h2><p>One of the biggest issues towards the end of her life was the year-long "chair saga". She needed a new chair but was unable to simply purchase one. She had back issues and needed to get something suitable, something tested. It was difficult for her to get to the shops to try chairs out and even when people donated chairs, they weren't comfortable or non-allergenic enough. </p><p>It's easy to see why people stopped trying. For the rest of us, it's just a chair right? We can sit on anything. To most of us, even an uncomfortable chair is better than "no chair". In Kate's case, she simply did without. For a year. </p><p>Every now and then, when I hadn't heard anything, I'd ask, "so did you get a chair?" This would usually be with a barrage of insults, anger and anguish... and after a few months, I simply stopped asking. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Good Help</h2><p>There were other people around helping Kate. Great people who were far more active than me. People who lived nearby. People who took the time to help her. </p><p>I'm not planning to name, names. You know who you are and regardless of what happened or how she spoke to you in those last months, it's important that you know that Kate was grateful. She mentioned that in chats. You were good friends and she knew that she could sometimes be hard on people. </p><p>When Kate began to get sick, she talked about her symptoms. People urged her to seek medical advice but of course, her challenges in the real world made this task difficult. She treated her illness in the same way that she treated the chair. She put off doing what was necessary for far too long and by the time she acted, it was too late. </p><p>She was only 37. </p><p>Kate. You left this world far too early. </p><p>--</p><p>I'm ending on an a quirky note, because that's exactly what Kate would have wanted. Tasteless though you might think this is, she loved puns and I'm always going to remember her when I hear a pun from here on out. Wherever you are now Kate, I'm sure you'd be <a href="https://www.joincake.com/blog/death-puns/" target="_blank">googling puns about death</a>. </p><p><i>Rest in peace, gentle soul. I will miss you. </i></p>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-47650297432198770792020-12-13T08:21:00.006+11:002020-12-13T08:24:04.607+11:00When kids on the Spectrum Trash the House<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b><i>A couple of days ago, I was reading a thread about a mother who came home to find that her son had completely trashed the house - again. It reminded me of things that our family used to go through. While my eldest, now 20 is a terribly messy boy, this behaviour is now well and truly a thing of the past for us. For a while though, these problems seemed insurmountable, so I thought I'd share how we got past them.</i></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfCX5VEfdinuveTxfrOeHNcRB5r2LYsKjhpOKPybp8i-bn7ZzKtSEAyUjbesGMIWsXM9TYpmxg8n9ADl5x-JSGAlpRXnoodQQRzyJkGHI7Uh_2gWyavF9ph19K3H0y9y05ot0H0fL9aro/s1280/tornado-2090803_1280.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1280" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfCX5VEfdinuveTxfrOeHNcRB5r2LYsKjhpOKPybp8i-bn7ZzKtSEAyUjbesGMIWsXM9TYpmxg8n9ADl5x-JSGAlpRXnoodQQRzyJkGHI7Uh_2gWyavF9ph19K3H0y9y05ot0H0fL9aro/w400-h300/tornado-2090803_1280.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/yasioo-1602820/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2090803">yasioo</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2090803">Pixabay</a></span></div><br /><p>There was once a time where if he didn't get his way, my youngest would completely trash his room (and sometimes other rooms in the house). We still have marks on the walls (and some holes) that remind us of those terrible days. He would pull everything out of his wardrobe and throw it on the floor, he would throw all of his books out of his bookcase and all over the floor. He would often tip his entire mattress off the bed as well. </p><p><i>These generally weren't meltdowns. They were too controlled and too planned. They were done for a reason. These were tantrums. </i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Don't Clean Up</h2><p>In the article I read, the child was twelve. This is easily old enough for them to be able to clean up their own mess. It's very important that you don't follow them around and simply clean up their mess. They need to own a little responsibility.</p><p><i>After all, if they're old enough to make the mess, they're old enough to fix it. </i></p><p>Of course, cleaning up tends to take much longer than messing, so it's fine for you as a parent to help out. Just be sure that your child helps out too. If they stop cleaning up, you stop helping. They need to understand that the amount of effort they put in directly influences how quickly they can get back to doing "fun things" that aren't cleaning up. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Don't Get Angry</h2><p>This is so hard to do. When you kids trash the place they're essentially trying to attack you. If you get angry then they know that they've gotten to you. They know that this technique works and they'll do it again and again. </p><p>It's so hard not to get angry, especially when things that are yours get broken. Sentimental things are the worst. My wife used to always complain about her things being broken but I started pointing out that everything I really cared about was put away from the kids in boxes. I'd stored things that I didn't want destroyed until a time when the kids weren't so dangerous. </p><p>It's tempting to shout at the kids, or smack them or try to find some form of revenge. As a young parent I could never understand how kids could enjoy being in trouble. Now of course, when I think back to my own childhood, I remember all the cheeky things I did to my mother. These are all moments of extreme attention and the punishments seemed worth it. </p><p>The other point to remember about shouting and violence is that your kids are growing up quickly and taking it all in. How you react now is how they're going to react in the future. You need to ensue that there are no violent consequences, such as smacking, because it won't be long before they're old enough to hit back. You need to teach them non-violent ways to settle their issues.</p><p><i>Keep a calm voice at all times and never relinquish control. If you feel overwhelmed, disengage and go watch some TV or have a rest. Get yourself calm and then try again. </i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Remove Distractions</h2><p>One of the key things that needs to happen in order for your kids to clean up their own messes, is for all distractions to be removed. In our house, this was called "electronica". When we needed to get things done, we removed all electronica. That meant, no computer, no ipads, no phones, no Nintendo DS, no gaming consoles. </p><p>We tried simply saying that these could not be used but we soon found that the kids would find ways to sneak in and use them. We tried disabling Wi-Fi but they found things that didn't need it - or they stole the neighbours Wi-Fi. Eventually the only thing we could do was to take or disable devices. If they were small enough, we'd take them and if they weren't, we'd remove key components, like power cords.</p><p>It's important to do this without getting into a confrontation because you certainly don't want a tug of war over the devices. My advice would be to request that they help you clean up their mess. If they do engage, then there's no need to remove devices (remember, we're fixing the damage, not issuing a punishment). If they don't engage, leave them and remove the devices once they're asleep. This avoids confrontations and it ensures that they don't see where you hide them. </p><p><i>If you don't have adequate hiding place, then get somewhere lockable (even if you lock the devices in the car in your garage).</i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Get them to Take Responsibility</h2><div>Once your child has completed the clean-up, there are two more areas that need to be addressed. Both fall under the banner of responsibility. </div><div><br /></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><i>Broken items <br /></i>There's very little that you can do about broken items but they need to be acknowledged. If your child has damaged things, then they need to be aware of the costs. They don't need to pay the full cost but they at least need to be made aware that damage has an impact. When your child has a good grasp of money, you can start to show them how expensive thing are. Sometimes I'd find the broken things online or in catalogues just to show them how much they would cost to replace.<br /><br />If they get pocket money, give them a little less for a few weeks just to show that they're having to pay for the item (it probably won't cover the cost but this is about the lesson, not punishment and not full reimbursement). <br /><br />If they don't get pocket money, then do something else, for example say that we're going to have less snacks or have dessert fewer nights for a while to save money. Don't take things away entirely, you want them to feel the pinch and the best way to do that is to pull things away every now and then rather than go "cold turkey" and do without every time. <br /><br /></li><li><i>Apologies</i><br />The other thing that's important is that your child needs to offer you an apology. In the very early days, my wife and I used to watch "SuperNanny" and shake our heads at her apologies. After all, she was just putting words into kids mouths. The kids didn't really mean that they were sorry. Over time, we understood what was really happening. <br /><br />Start when your kids are young. Keep them apologising as they grow up. When you do something that affects them, make sure that you apologise to them too. The importance of setting good examples can't be understated. <br /><br />You'll have to put words into their mouths when they're younger but as they get older, you'll simply need to say, "I think you owe me an apology", and they'll have to work on the wording. Eventually, you won't even need to say that, you'll perhaps hint that something more is needed - and then one day, the apology will just come naturally. </li></ul><div>When we were young parents, my wife and I would often look jealously at parents with "perfect kids". Their kids wouldn't have tantrums and destroy the house, while ours would. We felt like terrible parents. These days, it's all reversed. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>Our kids (17 and 20) have grown up fixing their mistakes and apologising. They think of others and they don't trash the place anymore. What we've noticed is that people with "perfect kids" have bred children who don't know how to take responsibility or how to apologise. </i></div></div>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-9665073294711279812020-10-25T07:30:00.005+11:002020-10-25T07:38:53.355+11:00Book Review: What your Child on the Spectrum Really Needs by Jenna Gensic<h2 style="text-align: left;">What your Child on the Spectrum Really Needs: Advice from 12 Autistic Adults.</h2><p><i>For Autistic People Everywhere. May Your Voices Be Heard</i></p><p>by Jenna Gensic</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiPOxrx_snat7RgP8Wkf9f8jIc0CC1zicXhlio2XQ0un3vJBtg6D3wOG_vlyWHa7pK5jhKyl9g3S3j59JsP3z07BbyMeTcErJdZ2NGd9afA6rCXMDCwSVupltHS21pdbrq_Eta8NDMS6M/s800/WYCRN.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="579" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiPOxrx_snat7RgP8Wkf9f8jIc0CC1zicXhlio2XQ0un3vJBtg6D3wOG_vlyWHa7pK5jhKyl9g3S3j59JsP3z07BbyMeTcErJdZ2NGd9afA6rCXMDCwSVupltHS21pdbrq_Eta8NDMS6M/w290-h400/WYCRN.jpg" width="290" /></a></div><br /><p><b><i>This is a book review that I really should have done about eight months ago. I wanted to be able to do this book justice but it's just so diverse and informative that I don't think that any review I write will really describe the breadth of it.</i></b></p><p>The book is only 115 pages long but it's A4 sized and absolutely packed with information. </p><p>Jenna Gensic is a freelance writer who blogs over at <a href="https://www.learnfromautistics.com/" target="_blank">Learning from Autistics</a> and she frequently publishes interviews with autistic people. As I write this, she's just published Interview 147. It's an incredible achievement. </p><p>At the beginning of the book, Jenna talks about her experience learning from the narrow experience and perception doctors and her discovery of the world of advocacy. I've often said that while doctors have medical training, they see an average of around 35 patients per week for 30 minutes each (and that's very conservative, in reality it's much less). This gives them quite a limited experience compared to someone who has to live and breathe autism every second of their life. </p><p><i>Autistic advocates have an untapped wealth of knowledge and Jenna taps into that in this book. </i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Topics</h2><div>The book covers a lot of diverse topics including;</div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>The ideas of "fixing children" and hiding autism.</li><li>Social integration</li><li>Establishing safe environments</li><li>Executive functioning</li><li>Sensory processing</li><li>Cognitive Behavioural Therapy</li><li>Correcting behaviour and ethical challenges</li><li>Friendship, sexuality and relationships</li><li>Communication and Empathy</li><li>The workplace</li><li>Understanding Limitations</li><li>Advocacy, bullying and diagnosis</li></ul><div>The chapters are easy to read and contain reflection questions at the end. </div></div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">The Interviews</h2><div>Jenna is a very good interviewer who really listens to her subjects and draws great insights from the conversations. Her insights often appear in grey boxes throughout the interview and can add a different point of view. </div><div><br /></div><div>The political standpoint that Jenna takes is a cautious one, encouraging person-first language, with explanations why, and gender neutral terms. This makes the book suitable for anyone. </div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Target Audience</h2><div>The book finishes with specific information directed at parents, and other information directed at autistic people. There's also a whole chapter on teaching self-advocacy. </div><div><br /></div><div>This book is directed at people on the spectrum as well as carers and parents. It covers a wide range of topics and is relevant to parents of school-aged children and above. It has a lot to offer and you'll find that some chapters become more relevant as you or your children reach specific ages and life-milestones. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is easily one of the best books you could get for a holistic approach to to life on the spectrum.</div><div><br /></div><div>What your Child on the Spectrum Really Needs by Jenna Gensic is available from <a href="https://www.amazon.com/What-Child-Spectrum-Really-Needs/dp/B07YQKDM2M" target="_blank">Amazon</a>, <a href="https://www.bookdepository.com/What-Your-Child-on-Spectrum-Really-Needs-Jenna-Gensic/9781942197539" target="_blank">the Book Depository</a> and <a href="https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-your-child-on-the-spectrum-really-needs-jenna-gensic/1133965141" target="_blank">Barnes and Nobel</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>--</div><div><i>Honesty Clause: I was provided with a copy of this book free of charge, as I'm one of the 12 interviewees.</i></div>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-90786891390022424842020-10-05T09:47:00.000+11:002020-10-05T09:47:26.622+11:00Lockdown and School -Some kids struggle to Self-Manage<p><i><b>With Lockdown still in effect in lots of places, I wanted to share some of the experiences I had with my son and his inability to self-manage when it came to working on school projects by himself. </b></i></p><p><i>My youngest has a lot of potential but also tends to be lazy or easily distracted by video games. Lockdown seems to have "changed the game" and he feels like he can get away without putting the effort in. </i></p><p><i>There's no easy answer but this is our journey.</i></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMqPo5sold_YNIuIBjzt89a3wi72OpN-r4wtoEaH3JIUGLVKN39Cmoc4vHdQ79aMvBZSWNg7FLoJQZeCgwsopN-0PyH83KvqtfAe0tlMf6WCMUKpmYJhUQzQSxvJQE3Q-ar_m2foAn60U/s1000/work-731198_1920.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="1000" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMqPo5sold_YNIuIBjzt89a3wi72OpN-r4wtoEaH3JIUGLVKN39Cmoc4vHdQ79aMvBZSWNg7FLoJQZeCgwsopN-0PyH83KvqtfAe0tlMf6WCMUKpmYJhUQzQSxvJQE3Q-ar_m2foAn60U/w640-h426/work-731198_1920.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/photos/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=731198">Free-Photos</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=731198">Pixabay</a></span></div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">The Problems</h2><div>Before we get into solutions, I wanted to look at some of the problems we were experiencing. </div><div><br /></div><div>First of all, my son had been a reasonable student before lockdown. Not brilliant but middling. He was putting in a reasonable amount of effort and was getting work done more or less on time. The only thing that was a bit of a problem for him was assignments that he had to do out of class. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>That should have been a warning sign for us.</i></div><div><br /></div><div>When lockdown started, the kids were off school before the adults were ready to start working from home. It was okay though, he was fifteen and certainly old enough to stay at home by himself. After all, he'd been doing school holidays that way for a while and was pretty trustworthy. </div><div><br /></div><div>We could trust him not to leave the house and not to trash it. What we couldn't trust was that he'd do his work. </div><div><br /></div><div>After the first couple of weeks, we received a few warnings from teachers that work was not being submitted. We talked to our son and he had excuses, such as computer glitches, protests that he had submitted work and claims that he didn't understand the questions. </div><div><br /></div><div>We helped as best we could but the next week, and the following week, brought more complaints from his teachers. Fortunately our own lockdown had started by then and we were in a position to deal with the problems. </div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Bedtime and Rising </h2><div>One of the key problems we discovered was that although he was logging on as required by 8am, he had been doing it from his laptop in bed. He would wake up, login and then go back to sleep. We'd lose at least two hours of class time every single day. </div><div><br /></div><div>We fixed this by requiring him to get up and sit at a desk - not in his bedroom. We have a shared computer room for this. It worked to get those two hours back but it didn't guarantee that he was doing the work. </div><div><br /></div><div>Fortunately, having the shared computer room meant that I was on the desk next to him doing my work. This cut down on the laughter and the game playing to some extent because there was no way that he could be holding a joystick or gamepad while claiming to be doing work. </div><div><p><i>Unfortunately, while the cat is away, the mice will play. Kids simply can't be left to their own devices and assumed to be doing work. This is especially true of kids on the spectrum who may have executive functioning issues. </i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Seriousness and Consequences</h2><div>Another issue that we found was that my son wasn't putting the same amount of effort in at home as he did at school. It's not that he chose to put more effort in at school, simply that without all the distractions he was more focused. </div><div><br /></div><div>Short of reading through all his answers, there was little that we could do to ensure that the work he submitted was well-considered and that he put enough time into it. The best we could do was to judge it by the marks he received. </div><div><br /></div><div>Given that he's in his senior years, this posed a bit of a problem because a failure at this juncture impacts upon his academic record. Fortunately, there's a difference between "trial" work and actual work. We checked over the actual assignments carefully but left the trial work to see where it landed. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>This gave us both an opportunity to check his work and discuss the seriousness of the situation while also showing him the consequences of not studying or not applying himself.</i> </div><h2 style="text-align: left;">One-on-One Tutors are Awesome</h2><p>We had engaged a tutor for him prior to lockdown but now we weren't sure what to do with the situation. Fortunately our tutor was willing to continue working with him one-on-one via zoom. He sent the tutor his exam papers and assignments and they worked to improve his efforts. </p><p>I've always believed that having a couple of hours of direct one-on-one contact with a tutor per week is far more effective than having 1/20th of the teacher's time for 30 hours per week. </p><p>In lockdown, this proved to be a game changer as the tutor ensured that he was paying full attention all the time. There was no going to sleep, no turning off the video and no tuning out during tutorial time. It was 100% attention. </p><p><i>Unless you're in a position to directly teach your child, engaging a tutor is probably the best thing that you can do to lift their academic results. </i></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Gaming Addiction</h2><p>I could write whole posts just on the subject of gaming addiction. It's a terrible thing and it's incredibly common on the spectrum. As parents, there's a few things that you need to know.</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><b>There's no shortage of free games: </b>You might think that your kids don't have a console or don't have the money to buy games but the fact is that if they have a phone, a tablet or a laptop, they have games. Modern gaming works by providing the game for free but charging for the things that you need to do well in it.<br /><br /></li><li><b>Games are designed to be addictive: </b>There's a lot of work that goes into the psychology of addiction to ensure that modern games are very addictive. The people putting these things together are experts, so it's no surprise that kids get addicted. It's nothing to be ashamed of either. Gaming addiction is planned. <br /><br /></li><li><b>Modern Games don't end:</b> In the old days, you'd play a game until it ended and then there would be a chance to escape its addictive pull. Modern games don't end however. There are endless "mods" and extras packs being released. Often these are free and quite often they're released within the community itself, meaning that anyone can become a game developer. The games simply never end, they just get replaced by the next addiction when it comes along. </li></ul><div><i>There's very little escaping modern gaming but it's not all bad news. Studies have shown that gaming develops a lot of valuable skills. Right now however, you're concerned with school work, so gaming has got to go. </i></div><div><br /></div><div>There's no effective way to block gaming. No firewalls, no "net-nannies" nothing. There's always a way around the blocks you put in place. If you block one game, chances are there are a hundred others that will work in its place. </div><div><br /></div><div>The best way to ensure that gaming doesn't interfere with your child's education is to block out non-gaming hours and police them with your presence.</div><div><br /></div><div>Non-Gaming hours should include school hours (8am-3pm), minus an hour for lunch, plus potentially a little homework time (about 1 hour) and late hours (say, from 10pm onwards). There are studies out there which show that gaming just before bedtime makes it more difficult to sleep.</div><div><br /></div><div>You need to make sure that you communicate these rules clearly -- in fact, if you can get your kids to agree to them, this will help. Keep the rules visible somewhere in your house so that you can refer to them when you need to re-explain them. </div><div><br /></div><div>You can't stop your kids from thinking about games all the time but you can at least keep them off games during lockdown... provided that you're around to police it. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>Recommendation: Set these hours as a rule and add consequences for breaking them. </i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>You should give your kids a chance, for example warn 5 minutes before "lunchtime" ends that they need to save and quit, then go to their computer and ensure that they return to school work. </div><div><br /></div><div>If you can work in the same room as them, this will help but if not, be sure to check on them regularly. If you catch them gaming during study time, then you'll need to enact the consequences. </div><div><br /></div><div>The recommended consequences would be, loss of gaming privileges for the rest of the day (except if you catch them gaming after 10pm, then they could be loss of gaming for the following day.. or perhaps just for lunchtime the following day). </div><div><br /></div><div>To enforce these rules, you'll need to get them to hand in their computer (usually power cords are enough, except on laptops), phone, ipad/tablet, and any other gaming systems that they have. If you're taking them away just for lunchtime, then simply getting them out of the house and on a walk can help.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Do not enforce a no-gaming rule for an extended period. This won't work.</b></div><div><br /></div><div>I know that when you catch your kids gaming instead of working, it can be very frustrating and it's tempting to hit them with the highest penalty that you have. Resist this temptation. If you take away everything, you take away your ability to exercise control. They have nothing to lose. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>Take away gaming for short periods, assign extra jobs, fill gaming spaces with other activities such as walking the dog. Just don't play all of your cards at once. </i></div><p></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Work Submission</h2><p>One of the other problems that we faced with our son was in the area of work submission. Online submission systems don't check the quality of work, they just check that boxes have been ticked or that they contain some text. </p><p>Kids often find a way around this by typing any old answer into the box. </p><p>If your child's teachers raise issues with work submission, talk to your child first and ask them what they submitted. If they claim that they submitted good work, ask to see it. Often this is enough to bring out the truth. </p><p>If you find that you can't trust your child to submit good quality work, ask them to provide you with the work for submission so that you can look it over first. You don't have to correct it or try to make it perfect... in fact, resisting the urge to "fix" small issues will help them to learn. Your aim is to find out whether they're submitting real work or simply ticking the boxes to make it look like work has been submitted. </p><h2 style="text-align: left;">It's not Perfect</h2><p>There's no perfect solution to these problems. Lockdown means that kids don't have to face up to teachers directly and that disappointment and discipline is harder to convey via video conferencing. </p><p><i>As a parent, it's your duty to stay on top of this. You need your kids to develop independence and to learn to self-manage but you also need to check in regularly to ensure that they're still following the plan.</i></p></div>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-54027405815837991802020-09-05T20:30:00.000+10:002020-09-05T20:30:06.386+10:00Article: Autism Stimming, Hand flapping and other self stimulatory behaviors<b><i>Autism Parenting Magazine is has a new article on Stimming that is pretty comprehensive and ticks all of the right boxes (I checked it over). </i></b><div><br /></div><div>Head over <a href="https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-stimming-causes-management-and-types">here</a> to read it;</div><div><a href="https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-stimming-causes-management-and-types">https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-stimming-causes-management-and-types</a><br /><div><br /></div><div>The article explains; </div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>What stimming is and how to recognise it. </li><li>What causes stimming (or why autistic people stim)</li><li>It goes through various forms of stimming including;</li><ul><li>Verbal and Auditory</li><li>Visual</li><li>Tactile</li><li>Vestibular</li><li>Olfactory (Smell) and Taste</li></ul></ul>The article also discusses whether you should attempt to stop stimming (this is one of reasons why I wanted to check it over first) and some techniques to reduce and self regulate stimming. </div></div><div><br /></div><div>There's a great infographic for easy reference and a free guide that you can download. </div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT-DTImfG058kMX9IK6atbR_wKaQUKx7ui5A6JuKxi7bzJTE6ifi-noSxq4MSUFA3-6hDoetHEG06LkqxJ48R6B0_74s7NqU5Qntfb9DuKQY2ymvQLzMMYhN-Ox-tKnadR4PuUZTsv9Gw/s1280/fidget-2845178_1280.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="803" data-original-width="1280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT-DTImfG058kMX9IK6atbR_wKaQUKx7ui5A6JuKxi7bzJTE6ifi-noSxq4MSUFA3-6hDoetHEG06LkqxJ48R6B0_74s7NqU5Qntfb9DuKQY2ymvQLzMMYhN-Ox-tKnadR4PuUZTsv9Gw/s640/fidget-2845178_1280.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/6689062-6689062/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2845178">David Schwarzenberg</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2845178">Pixabay</a></span></div><div><br /></div>Over the years, I've discussed stimming on this blog, you'll find a selection of <a href="https://sites.google.com/site/gavinbollard/about-aspergers/life-with-aspergers/stimming" target="_blank">stimming articles</a> on the links page of my website. <div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /><div><br /></div></div>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-2620236252175723902020-07-05T08:35:00.002+10:002020-08-28T08:26:22.702+10:00Teaching your Teenage Aspie to Drive<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0izuAZje2I_NsisfNMDICNDNCj6DtUnrEi9JCe8SuGZ9AksoUKP9WYqzQFY2yrLyxgXaxwge04UvXt-ODENhHvySvo1etuI0wXjbs1aQ3sBJFJqi7fGnKUKkmy99rFYWg7vhPMvHJIz4/s910/female-woman-car-travel.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="607" data-original-width="910" height="333" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0izuAZje2I_NsisfNMDICNDNCj6DtUnrEi9JCe8SuGZ9AksoUKP9WYqzQFY2yrLyxgXaxwge04UvXt-ODENhHvySvo1etuI0wXjbs1aQ3sBJFJqi7fGnKUKkmy99rFYWg7vhPMvHJIz4/w500-h333/female-woman-car-travel.jpg" width="500" /></a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><p style="clear: both;"></p><div style="text-align: left;"><b><i>It's finally happened, my eldest son, now 19.5 has decided that he's ready to learn how to drive. He's made the effort, with admittedly quite a bit of prompting, to pass the written part of the exam. He's got his "L" plates and it's time for the practical side of the lesson. </i></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">While there's not a huge amount of difference between teaching someone on the autism spectrum and teaching someone who isn't, there are a few little things that are important. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">The Road Rules</h2><div style="text-align: left;">For the most part, kids on the spectrum love rules. They're great. Instead of being all different shades of grey, road rules are pretty black and white. There's a side of the road that you drive on. There's give way and stop signs, and there are speed limits. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Unfortunately, it's not all rules. A lot of driving is actually etiquette. It's about being aware that other people make mistakes or that some people are in a rush. If a car is driving erratically, it's best to let them get in front of you so that they can get out of your way sooner. If someone is clearly having difficulty pulling out of an intersection, then it's nice to let them in. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">The problem is of course, knowing when it's okay to bend the rules. It's occasional only. You need to spend extra time on this topic with your autistic kids.</div><p></p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<img border="0" data-original-height="692" data-original-width="1298" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUSF5fHGXasUyOQyaj-q0miLURlTfR2PQx3ia1FbqpN7lTjjCSLrA3_p4qs352ut_5MZj9PRaAOhzpDG9cs35KU_ACSh9RIhxAt_u0ajBf1f7w_SNKi8j0uljRtRr_iQsEnN-FRo8tISA/w500-h268/RuleBender.jpg" width="500" /></div><div style="font-family: calibri; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: calibri; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in;"></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Spatial Awareness</h2><div><div>Spatial awareness can be a big problem for some people on the spectrum. I know that I have a lot of problems at times walking through doorways. I'm not a big person, it's just that sometimes I'm concentrating so hard on something else that I really don't think about the space I'm trying to walk through. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>You can imagine how dangerous this can be in a car. </i></div><div><br /></div><div>Learner drivers already tend to drift from one side of the lane to another and fortunately most major roads have bumps on their lane markers. They're great. Quite often I find myself saying to my son, "Do you feel those bumps? They've got to mean something, right?" - and then he'll self correct. </div><div><br /></div><div>Recently we got him a driving instructor and they told him to always line the steering wheel up with the very middle of the lane. He and the wheel are obviously both on the same side. I've checked via diagrams and actually works quite well. I think it will work equally well in countries where people drive on the other side of the road.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><div style="font-family: calibri; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGhGvQ-NpYBiEoSk4hnDaXVojdEAMyVW6wAgz-BiD1KMVDyRbFi7kayCw41w7UY838p_n3OIJyDtJBK7ujfhjopDgBMHd8I4hA3DfXHiFS8b7FhJZ6iHBF6ZXYk0xGxi8yD334_Ha_uQc/s1781/LineOfSight.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="534" data-original-width="1781" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGhGvQ-NpYBiEoSk4hnDaXVojdEAMyVW6wAgz-BiD1KMVDyRbFi7kayCw41w7UY838p_n3OIJyDtJBK7ujfhjopDgBMHd8I4hA3DfXHiFS8b7FhJZ6iHBF6ZXYk0xGxi8yD334_Ha_uQc/w500-h150/LineOfSight.png" width="500" /></a></div><div style="font-family: calibri; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in;"><br /></div><div><i>Find a real-world constant check like this so that your learner can keep the vehicle in the middle of the lane. </i></div><div style="font-family: calibri; font-size: 11pt; margin: 0in;"><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Distractions</h2><div>It's no secret that many autistic kids struggle with distractions. It's quite common for kids with autism to have started out with an ADHD diagnosis. They don't get that diagnosis because they're hyperactive, they get it because their teachers tend to report them as being so distracted by everything else in the class that they're unable to concentrate.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's one of the key reasons why so many of these kids are on ritalin.</div><div><br /></div><div>While I'm on the subject of ritalin, one of the key reasons for using ritalin is (paradoxically) to get off ritalin. It's an important medication to use with distracted kids in their early years of school to allow them to concentrate. As they get older however, they need to learn to self-manage. You don't want them on ritalin for the rest of their lives, so once school is over, unless they're going onto higher education, ritalin should be reduced and eventually eliminated if possible. </div><div><br /></div><div>In my eldest's case, that's exactly what has happened. He's now 100% self-managing all the time. That's great... but it doesn't help him cope with distractions. It's important to be aware of this.</div><div><br /></div><div>One thing that I found was that I can talk to my son while he's driving but if I talk about anything that interests him, for example computers; a special interest of his, his driving immediately suffers. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>Keep the distractions to a minimum and work on ways to tune them out. </i></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDgwPqZNa0uHvbaPkKa0_HYMjrPs3Lx65VD-r5Y4zVZfwV34b6W0dX2_HjVp3dEqKlRGlSwT_NVwmFfO5bSC7qC85r73gKJlN42ODRcV4OLhyRJWP9xq1rV1WgYrkWZUcIEER_j8p1aR0/s682/AAA-Distracted-Driving.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="282" data-original-width="682" height="206" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDgwPqZNa0uHvbaPkKa0_HYMjrPs3Lx65VD-r5Y4zVZfwV34b6W0dX2_HjVp3dEqKlRGlSwT_NVwmFfO5bSC7qC85r73gKJlN42ODRcV4OLhyRJWP9xq1rV1WgYrkWZUcIEER_j8p1aR0/w500-h206/AAA-Distracted-Driving.png" width="500" /></a></div><div><br /></div><h2 style="text-align: left;">Meltdowns</h2><div>Meltdowns are the bane of aspie life. If you're in a meltdown state, you tend to do things impulsively and destructively. You don't think, you just act. </div><div><br /></div><div>As an adult on the spectrum, my meltdowns are firmly in check but that's not true in our kids case. They may have gone a long time without a meltdown but the pressures associated with young adulthood can easily trigger one out of the blue. It's unlikely to come up as a problem during a lesson but once your young driver is fully licensed and on their own, it could certainly become a big problem.</div><div><br /></div><div><i>Be sure to have a conversation with your kids about never driving when they're angry. No matter how important it might seem. It could save a life. </i></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>
</div>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-16136386939004028572020-05-03T14:14:00.003+10:002020-05-03T14:14:39.586+10:00Autism and Lockdown - Part 2 Making the Most of Lockdown<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><i>In my <a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2020/04/autism-and-lockdown-part-1-things-you.html" target="_blank">previous post</a>, I talked about the sorts of things that you need to do with kids on the spectrum in order to keep them safe during lockdown. In this post, I want to look at ideas to pass the time while always keeping things positive. </i></b><br />
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<i>While these activities are suitable to all kids and all adults, you'll find that autistic children will respond a little differently to them. You might find that they take in science concepts better than other kids or that they don't tolerate paint textures. Push the boundaries a little and encourage the kids to try but be aware that sometimes activities simply aren't suitable for the child. If that's the case, don't make a big deal about it, just choose something else. </i><br />
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<h2>
Television and Netflix</h2>
It's a given that television and movie viewing will be on the rise during lockdown. That's okay provided that you don't turn them into binge TV sessions, where kids watch one show after another while sitting on the lounge eating. Sure, it's fine to have a little binge watching when you're tired but don't do it all the time.<br />
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Try to set up some "event movies" where you make sure that you sit down and watch the whole thing with your kids. Make some popcorn or set up another treat while doing this. It's great to have a fun movie like Star Wars but if possible, try to get some things that educate too. Here are some examples, though obviously you'll need to watch your ratings and material with kids and match it to their reactions;<br />
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<ul>
<li><b>History Lessons:</b> Braveheart, Gladiator, Kingdom of Heaven (Extended version), 1917, All Quiet on the Western Front, Apocalypto, <br /></li>
<li><b>Understanding the Virus:</b> Contagion - I can't recommend this enough in the current situation.<br /></li>
<li><b>Science:</b> March of the Penguins, Apollo 13, The Dish, Jurassic Park, Blackfish, Dante's Peak, Hidden Figures, The Andromeda Strain<br /></li>
<li><b>Language: </b>Anything foreign language with the subs on; Anime such as Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke or Grave of the Fireflies is particularly great for Japanese, Amelie (French), The Lives of Others, Downfall (German), Cinema Paradiso or Life is Beautiful (Italian).<br /></li>
<li><b>Ethics, Rights and Morality:</b> Gattica, Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, Million Dollar Baby, The Help, Fight Club (much older kids), To Kill a Mockingbird<br /></li>
<li><b>Understanding Life on the Autism Spectrum: </b><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2011/06/movie-review-temple-grandin-2010.html" target="_blank">Temple Grandin</a>, <a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2009/11/movie-review-black-balloon.html" target="_blank">The Black Balloon</a>, <a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2012/02/movie-review-mozart-and-whale.html" target="_blank">Mozart and the Whale</a>, <a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2010/04/movie-review-mary-and-max.html" target="_blank">Mary and Max</a>, <a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2015/08/movie-review-eagle-vs-shark-2007.html" target="_blank">Eagle Vs Shark</a>, <a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2011/02/movie-review-adam-2009.html" target="_blank">Adam</a>, <a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2017/04/movie-review-aspergers-are-us-2016.html" target="_blank">Aspergers R Us</a>.</li>
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<i>Obviously there are thousands more, just pick a subject and ask Google for "great movies that teach about economics" or whatever subject you're interested in and look for links to IMDB lists (they're the best). </i><br />
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<h2>
Reading</h2>
You still need to keep up with reading. It's one of the few absolutely non-negotiable critical skills for our society. No doubt you have book at home that you and your kids can read but if your kids are reluctant readers, consider using Audio books. These won't help at all with word recognition but they will make a difference when it comes to widening the vocabulary.<br />
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While you can get some great commercial audio books from your phone stores (Apple and <a href="https://play.google.com/store/books/category/audiobooks" target="_blank">Google</a>), they often have some free ones as well. Alternatively, you can visit some of the many great sites with free audio books;<br />
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<ul>
<li><a href="https://librivox.org/search?primary_key=0&search_category=genre&search_page=1&search_form=get_results" target="_blank">LibriVox</a></li>
<li><a href="https://etc.usf.edu/lit2go/genres/" target="_blank">Lit2Go</a> - This also has teaching materials to go with the books.</li>
<li><a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/browse/categories/1" target="_blank">Project Gutenberg</a> - This is arguably the largest of the libraries.</li>
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<h2>
Playing</h2>
If you've got younger kids, you already know how to engage them in playing and they probably do a lot of playing by themselves. The lockdown presents you with a perfect opportunity to dive in and get involved in their play a little more. Try doing some things that they've either never done or haven't done for years;<br />
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If you're not nimble, get out some board games or cards or crafts. Maybe consider finger-painting or finding some shapes around the house to paint and stamp. Jigsaw puzzles are also a great option but make sure that you have all the pieces. Missing pieces might not bother most kids but sometimes they create havoc in kids on the spectrum.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8FWC4zRVKubJqZu5iOeg7F4wE59yGzB7XHm-LfIcjmLmivaN3pdMEUa1AgvhVDJ2v7X7MjA7ooyQSwIdNYNgBYYKvG4uj7GxchE6YX_WsHQiEcLqSP6yfLgnGSL3KkAVFW2394VqFI0Q/s1600/BlanketFort.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="546" data-original-width="728" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8FWC4zRVKubJqZu5iOeg7F4wE59yGzB7XHm-LfIcjmLmivaN3pdMEUa1AgvhVDJ2v7X7MjA7ooyQSwIdNYNgBYYKvG4uj7GxchE6YX_WsHQiEcLqSP6yfLgnGSL3KkAVFW2394VqFI0Q/s400/BlanketFort.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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If you can get around easily, try building a blanket fort, playing on the floor with lego, cars and action figures. You'll find that if you help your child to make a story around things, you'll help them with their imaginative play and with sharing. Let your child take the lead sometimes but not all the time. After all, their friends won't always let them lead or win, so it's important that they learn to lose gracefully or to follow as well as lead.<br />
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If you're up for a bit of movement, try dancing or exercising with the kids. For inspiration, try searching youtube for "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=kid+friendly+dance+routines" target="_blank">Kid Friendly Dance Routines</a>" or "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=kid+friendly+exercise" target="_blank">Kid friendly exercise</a>"<br />
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<h2>
Craft and Cookery</h2>
Craft activities are always a good way to distract kids. Things like card-making, a paper airplane making and flying contest or making origami animals can provide hours of simple fun that they'll take away new skills from. Again, YouTube is your friend, try searching for "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=easy+crafts+for+kids" target="_blank">easy crafts for kids</a>"<br />
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When it comes to "Cookery" you don't need to have hot ovens and exotic ingredients. Start with something simple, like making a milkshake using a blender or mixer, ice cream, milk and chocolate. You can also make Jellies or get simple Yoghurt-making kits. When your child is ready to move onto bigger things, try baking cakes or making scones.<br />
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<i>One of the best challenges we had for our kids in scouts was for them to eventually plan and prepare an entire meal (these were 7-11 year olds). Setting your child a challenge like this and helping/guiding throughout will give them a great self-esteem boost. </i><br />
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If the weather is warm and you can go outdoors, you might also like to try using a barbeque or cooking over a fire (depending on what you have in your backyard).<br />
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<h2>
Chores</h2>
Chore might seem like a dull way to entertain the kids but it depends a little on the chore. Young kids love getting into the garden and older kids will actually benefit from being involved in washing, folding or hanging out clothes. If you're having difficulty with your linen cupboard, use your isolation time to fold items and put them into categories.<br />
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You might also want to weed out the kids wardrobes with them. Listen carefully though because if your kids start talking about "scratchy" clothes you might want to note these as materials that you don't want to buy in the future.<br />
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Other things, like helping dad out in the garage can also be productive especially if dad likes tinkering with the car or making things out of wood. They're good, educational time-wasters.<br />
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Chores are particularly important with Autistic kids because they don't necessarily pick up skills by simply observing others. They need to do things in order to understand how to do them -- and you need to explain why you make the choices that you do. For example, why do we peg paired socks together on the line? Why don't we put pegs in the middle of a shirt.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZkef0RYsElWGZ50VLBITNUFSJB0Wtqxl-o2nq9xLeMvJF2nv6IrIFBF2pxBZV14NsQuIIF7a_YD8Olid9KsaeqHdQcoACpCAK7YyhUf3WypXFs05fTXxZ5FprvKNK89evX-_xkpGDcy8/s1600/Clothes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="517" data-original-width="677" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZkef0RYsElWGZ50VLBITNUFSJB0Wtqxl-o2nq9xLeMvJF2nv6IrIFBF2pxBZV14NsQuIIF7a_YD8Olid9KsaeqHdQcoACpCAK7YyhUf3WypXFs05fTXxZ5FprvKNK89evX-_xkpGDcy8/s320/Clothes.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These pictures show how my eldest son (19) was hanging his clothes out. <br />He had to have it all explained.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<h2>
Computers, Phones, tablets and Games</h2>
Computers were bound to come up at some point or other. Computers are an important part of learning and play. Anyone who denies their kids access to a computer or the internet will likely create a lasting negative impact on their development in modern society. Unfortunately, computers can also become addictive very quickly and the internet can quickly become unsuitable.<br />
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Depending upon the ages of your children, you may need to vary your levels of supervision. Sometimes older kids need more supervision than younger ones. You might find that keeping the kids in the same room as you solves most of these problems.<br />
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YouTube can be a brilliant learning resource but it also devolves very quickly into an offensive mess. Try to avoid watching clips of people falling over, shouting or generally being silly. They're very addictive but you won't learn anything from them.<br />
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Instead, look for educational things, science experiments you can safely repeat and tutorials on how to do things. You might even want to watch some short films and see if your kids can make similar things with your phone. If your kids are struggling with homework, you'll find that the internet provides some amazing tutorials. One of the best resources for math is <a href="https://www.youtube.com/user/misterwootube" target="_blank">Eddie Woo</a>. If your kids still aren't understanding how to solve a particular problem, you might want to post it in the comments, someone will probably help.<br />
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If you have older kids, have a look around for online courses. There's quite a lot available for free at the moment. Just google it.<br />
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<i>Lockdown is difficult for everyone but it's important if we're all going to stay safe. If you can, use the lockdown time to break old habits and make some real progress.</i><br />
<br />Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-7024478854492776552020-04-07T13:44:00.000+10:002020-04-07T13:44:42.743+10:00Autism and Lockdown - Part 1 Things you need to do<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><i>These last few weeks have been unprecedented. Who would have thought that we'd reach a point where a pandemic caused a lockdown in most countries, where economies were are being beaten down and life as we know it is different, at least for the immediate future. </i></b><br />
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<i>For autistic adults and children, these sweeping changes are their worst nightmare. People with autism work best with routine and don't handle change well at the best of times. The changes that are happening everywhere right now are creating a lot of stress. I want to use this post to talk about how we can reduce that stress and make the lockdown period easier.</i><br />
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<h2>
Keep the Conversation Going</h2>
One of the best ways to lower the stress in people with autism is to keep conversations going. Don't avoid the topic but instead discuss it openly, honestly and positively. If you're a parent, guardian or teacher, talking to children or people with lower abilities to understand, you'll need to adjust your language accordingly but don't sugarcoat things, don't lie and don't "dumb things down" unless you're sure that your audience needs it. Many young adults with autism can interpret details like science and statistics better than you'd expect. <br />
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If you're the person with autism, make sure that you reach out to others - and often. This is especially important if you live alone. While you may feel that you don't need help or that you like being on your own, the truth is that everyone needs support and connections. You will need this support to get through the difficult times ahead.<br />
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If you don't have any local friends, try email and Facebook. Don't be afraid to ask people if you can voice chat or video chat. Voice is cheap and you can usually do it over the phone unless there are high charges. If charges are high, switch to voice-only mode on one of the videoconferencing apps. If you need face-to-face, there are <a href="https://www.theverge.com/2020/3/25/21188571/free-videoconference-app-how-to-choose-zoom-skype-slack" target="_blank">video facilities</a> like Skype, Zoom, WebEx, Hangouts and Teams. The lowest tiers of these are often free with the only costs being your internet connection.<br />
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<h3>
Connecting Kids</h3>
Parents especially, listen to your children. If they seem to be missing particular friends, try to contact their parents and organise some "face to face time". Set sensible limits so that the kids don't get bored and be prepared in advance.<br />
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<i>Don't promise anything to your children until you've been able to successfully connect face-to-face with the other parent. There's a lot of technology involved in these video-conferences and sometimes it just doesn't work. It's better not to build up hope and then fail to deliver.</i><br />
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Before your young children connect, make sure that you have relevant props available, so they don't dash off into other rooms or start moving phones, tablets, laptops and cameras about. You don't want anything dropped and you want to control the environment. Having props handy will also give your kids things to talk about.<br />
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If possible, agree to a time limit with your child. For the very young and easily distracted, 5-10 minutes is plenty. Make sure that you give plenty of warning if the time is running out (though you can extend it if things are going well). You don't want the kids getting bored with each other on camera and you certainly don't want a meltdown when it's time to end it.<br />
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With older kids, you don't have to be anywhere near as controlling but you'll still want to monitor things a little especially if there's a group. Sometimes groups can turn into mocking or bullying sessions. You can reduce this issue by having the video conferences in an open area rather than in their bedrooms.<br />
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<h2>
Avoid Fatalism</h2>
Think about how you're talking about the pandemic at home and who is listening to you. Consider how it's being reported on news channels. We're being told about the high infection rates, high death toll and the curve. What nobody seems to be talking about is recovery. Good news generally doesn't make the mass media. Nothing sells airtime quite like panic and crisis.<br />
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<i>In your household however, you need to balance out the bad news with good because often autistic people can become trapped in their own feelings of impending doom.</i><br />
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If you're a parent, this means that you need to make sure that your conversations include discussions of what we're going to do after the lockdown. Keep positive - the lockdown will end and things will go back to normal.<br />
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Reassure your kids that life will return to normal by saying things like "I'm looking forward to having a holiday at Disneyland once this is all over" or simply "won't it be good to see all of your friends again when school gets back to normal". It doesn't have to be big things, just little reminders that this isn't a change that will last forever.<br />
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With much older kids and adults, you can talk about the curve and statistics but be sure to include the positives. It's a curve but ultimately it's bell shaped. Sure, we're trying to create a flatter bell but overall, the infections are expected to drop off eventually, not flatline.<br />
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<h2>
Watch out for OCD</h2>
COVID-19 brings with it a lot of rules. Often, people with autism can really get into rules. They will take things literally, for example hand-washing for 30 seconds. This can turn into hand-washing for EXACTLY 30 seconds - with counting. It's quite common in children, even when they're not on the spectrum.<br />
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The problem is that sometimes these rules expand and begin to take control. The "remain indoors" rule can become literally, remain in the house and essential visits, such as visits to the doctor, can turn into major meltdowns.<br />
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Of course, the OCD effect extends well and truly past the realms of hand-washing. It's not such a big stretch from a general fear of germs to a total fear of everything. Animals, dirty dishes, cookware, surfaces of all kinds, toothbrushes, hair brushes and even bedding and clothes can become objects of fascination. In older adults, OCD issues can lead to overuse of chemicals that are not good for the skin or for health in general.<br />
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<i>It's very important that while you enforce the good conduct of lock down, you remain on the look out for rules that might need a little flexibility. </i>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-92177885567260533492020-02-16T17:22:00.002+11:002020-02-16T17:22:48.607+11:00Fatherhood and Teens on the Spectrum who Rebel<b><i>It’s not uncommon for fathers to feel like they don’t get any respect from their teens. This is the case in many families regardless of whether the kids are on the spectrum or not. Boys will rebel against both parents but when they rebel against their fathers it's usually because he’s the authority figure with the same gender. Sometimes it’s a test of strength, sometimes it’s just because dad is easier to push around. Girls on the other hand, tend to rebel no matter what. It’s an age thing for them. </i></b><br />
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<i>Rebellion is normal and the reasons for it are wide-ranging. In this post, I want to look at the ways in which teens on the spectrum rebel and in particular, I want to look at the father-son relationships. </i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh81VVjSGHmU5ZvehdaSqH61fHvqefKsh3912uqLWNBFuW0ELFxR1XJu11xJ7kJWt0CsHEnuk53P6Z7r7guHDfY7VqreQa7sTIp_XW9D8te1bvwQ2LFQRUBCKmvkL6gHQuPtfRZ00364bA/s1600/1798-rebellion.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img alt="picture of the irish rebellion, captioned when teens rebel" border="0" data-original-height="409" data-original-width="600" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh81VVjSGHmU5ZvehdaSqH61fHvqefKsh3912uqLWNBFuW0ELFxR1XJu11xJ7kJWt0CsHEnuk53P6Z7r7guHDfY7VqreQa7sTIp_XW9D8te1bvwQ2LFQRUBCKmvkL6gHQuPtfRZ00364bA/s400/1798-rebellion.jpg" title="" width="400" /></a></div>
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<h2>
What’s different about Spectrum Rebellion?</h2>
Teen spectrum rebellion differs from normal teen rebellion in that quite often the teens don’t realise that they are rebelling. They’re not fighting to go out or fighting to do adult things. Teen spectrum rebellion incidents are often unintentional and more to do with words and actions around the home and the fact that they now feel “grown up enough” to challenge some of their parents’ rules.<br />
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Teen spectrum rebellion is often about the language that is used and hurtful words and phrases. Sometimes it’s about not listening or not allowing others to speak. Sometimes it's about chores, school, TV or computer games. It’s also very often linked to meltdowns.<br />
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<h2>
Waning Strength</h2>
Fathers often present an easy target to teens on the spectrum because as kids get older, they begin to realise that there is little that their parents can do to punish them. These days, it's unacceptable for parents to raise their hands to children -- and kids are taught that in schools. It's called assault.<br />
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Any fathers who have used negative consequences, such as their voice, bullying or their physical strength, to control their children will quickly find themselves overwhelmed as their kids realise that this is no longer an option, or even worse, that they're growing to possess the same levels of capability.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6zbFVPG1jFUeb3Z1V7uUVvm1h997rtufoB5eN7FVlPPnuL-Cr_TKxGqlsLEh2kZOsW9ds38l6u7_6LjZ9IiPwj9nCRtfw0D7u0lxY-gKgds6tOchUCzHHEKrl9lGtl4JaLbbhGGDmtIk/s1600/Punishment_of_the_Paddle%252C_1912.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="historic photo of men issuing corporal punishment - saying spanking is no longer an option." border="0" data-original-height="747" data-original-width="1084" height="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6zbFVPG1jFUeb3Z1V7uUVvm1h997rtufoB5eN7FVlPPnuL-Cr_TKxGqlsLEh2kZOsW9ds38l6u7_6LjZ9IiPwj9nCRtfw0D7u0lxY-gKgds6tOchUCzHHEKrl9lGtl4JaLbbhGGDmtIk/s400/Punishment_of_the_Paddle%252C_1912.jpg" title="" width="400" /></a></div>
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Kids on the spectrum will often realise their own strength at an older age than their peers. It means that they're often older and stronger before they realise that they can fight back. This often allows violent parents to keep them under control for longer but it also means that when they finally do start to retaliate, it's often with full adult strength.<br />
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<i>You simply cannot use violent methods of control. It's unacceptable... and they don't work in the long run. Violent control teaches kids that violence is an option. It increases violence in the home.</i><br />
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<h2>
Lack of Emotional Connection</h2>
Mothers tend to be the centre of our children's lives while fathers are usually far less involved. Dads are less likely to attend school meetings or doctors appointments. Dads are often "time poor". This may be due to work or sporting commitments but it's also a way that dads can avoid emotionally difficult scenarios. The result of this is that kids tend to naturally gravitate to their mothers.<br />
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New mothers often attend mother's groups to socialise during the difficult years of early care. These groups have the added bonus of allowing mothers to share tips on child-rearing and to see how others handle the hurdles that parenthood brings. There are no "father's groups" to teach men these skills and it's little wonder that men in general simply don't have the expertise in this area that women do.<br />
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When kids get hurt physically or emotionally, it's usually their mothers, not their fathers, that they run to. It doesn't help that men are often trained from an early age to suppress emotional displays with phrases like "boys don't cry" being the norm in many families.<br />
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Dad's of kids on the spectrum are often more likely to be on the spectrum themselves, though actually being diagnosed is not so common. While in theory, this should give fathers a way to connect with their children, the opposite is often true. Dads on the spectrum often lack the social skills to talk effectively with their children.<br />
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<i>If you don't have a strong emotional connection to your children, you can't expect them to be able to communicate their feelings to you. </i><br />
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<i>Fathers need to interact more in the early years. They need to realise that their father-child communication skills can only be honed by years of use and practice, and if they're on the spectrum, they need to recognise this in themselves and use their shared "differences" to better communicate with their kids. </i><br />
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<h2>
Mothers who won't let go</h2>
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While not being involved in their children's lives is one reason why dads struggle, there's also the issue of mothers who simply can't share their children. It's surprisingly common to find moms who simply won't hand over the reins to their partners where their kids are concerned. This is particularly the case where kids are on the autism spectrum. </div>
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Moms will often resent the different approach that fathers bring to situations and will see it as dad "messing with the routine". It doesn't help that psychologists are telling mothers that their kids on the spectrum need strict rules and structure. This leads to arguments and general exclusion of fathers at young ages. </div>
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While it may be true that fathers are less important than mothers in those early years, the balance changes considerably as kids grow older and if fathers are not given a chance to build their connections when their kids are young, they may not develop at all as they get older. </div>
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<i>While "over-mothering" can create a feeling of calm and protection that soothes children, it can also significantly delay their development. Two parents, regardless of gender, will always be more effective than one. </i></div>
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<h2>
Reducing the Issue of Rebellion</h2>
There are a few things that stir up rebellion in teens. Poor communication, the perception of unfairness, a lack of discipline and a weakness of authority.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjylkcuhxrpofXr80VmgV-q52LrgZXwaqiWSbitvyedfvGg_WfRLtb3JYxN1MnJe338gc1mwEz06rwlrB1ECSruMKOwrTh-gaalojGpSiX62zGKJrBeCnIX4oRZtuHVBI5F5_fukjcJqLw/s1600/family-eating-at-the-table-dining-parents-children.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="a family communicating at the dinner table." border="0" data-original-height="605" data-original-width="910" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjylkcuhxrpofXr80VmgV-q52LrgZXwaqiWSbitvyedfvGg_WfRLtb3JYxN1MnJe338gc1mwEz06rwlrB1ECSruMKOwrTh-gaalojGpSiX62zGKJrBeCnIX4oRZtuHVBI5F5_fukjcJqLw/s400/family-eating-at-the-table-dining-parents-children.jpg" title="" width="400" /></a></div>
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<h3>
Improving Communication</h3>
Poor communication occurs when your children don't feel that they can discuss everything and anything with you. You need to work hard to keep communication channels open at all times. This means that you will sometimes have to suppress your shock or anger at your teens expression, thoughts, plans or deeds. Sometimes you have to "hold your tongue" and not be negative about things even if you know that they're heading into trouble.<br />
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<i>It's better to discuss things calmly and offer options in the hope that your teens will pick up on risks. You won't always be able to change their minds but choose your battles. After all failure is as much a part of learning as success. You can't protect your child from everything, so choose to protect them from the things that are really dangerous rather than the simpler mistakes in life. </i><br />
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<h3>
Improving Fairness</h3>
The perception of unfairness is arguably the single greatest motivator for rebellion and indeed "revolution" in the world. When it comes to teens however, things don't actually need to be unfair, they just need to be perceived as such.<br />
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Listen to your kids and take note of their perceptions of unfairness. This usually comes through in statements like; "but Casey's parents allowed her to go" or "everyone else has one" or "all my friends get to stay up late".<br />
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Obviously you can't relax rules entirely but you should always consider what other people are doing and ask whether your rules are still valid. Are they arbitrary or are they providing a protection? Are they at the right levels for the age of your child?<br />
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Is there a way that you can perhaps compromise? If you child wants to attend an event, can you perhaps be there (or be close) to drop-off and pick-up?<br />
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Sometimes, even admitting that you understand that something isn't fair and asking your kids what they feel you can do about it will help. This is particularly the case when it comes to items and outings that you simply can't afford. Your teen may be willing to get a job to help pay expenses.<br />
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<i>You can't always make things fair but you can alter the perception of unfairness so that your teens don't resent YOU for it. </i><br />
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<h3>
The Art of Discipline </h3>
Whenever anyone mentions discipline, everyone seems to think about hitting children. It's terrible.<br />
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One of my favourite things to remind people about discipline is that it comes from the Latin word discipulus, which means "student, learner, or follower." We need to make good "disciples" of our children by giving them great role models to follow and useful, easy to repeat, life lessons.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVwHSum5TfvB1xDM-1HQeFkYG8izGebK9WNtCjINFyxyQe-6_b1V2Lqi9UsLdCzkj2tvB_4m6atmEpya9X2H9MY8mntid_NBPUAAv0roYQhxnDJQv7KGw0mWwdrE1GUEiBfWgSjOtqeU0/s1600/Teaching.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="a father talking to his son, while teaching him carpentry" border="0" data-original-height="801" data-original-width="1200" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVwHSum5TfvB1xDM-1HQeFkYG8izGebK9WNtCjINFyxyQe-6_b1V2Lqi9UsLdCzkj2tvB_4m6atmEpya9X2H9MY8mntid_NBPUAAv0roYQhxnDJQv7KGw0mWwdrE1GUEiBfWgSjOtqeU0/s400/Teaching.jpg" title="" width="400" /></a></div>
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If your teens are rebelling, then they'll be rejecting your teachings. You need to take a few steps back and ask yourself what is wrong with your teachings;<br />
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<ul>
<li>Are you trying to give them the wrong message? or one that they don't want to hear? </li>
<li>Are you a good role model, do you practice what you preach?</li>
<li>Do you have "from the heart" or "from experience" wisdom that you can impart?</li>
<li>Will they perhaps learn from their rebellious behaviour?</li>
<li>Are you being easy to listen to? If not, perhaps find something else to do with your teen while you're talking. </li>
</ul>
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<i>Discipline means not only having a good student who is willing to listen. It means having a good teacher who is willing to look at the wider picture and embrace views outside of their own. </i><br />
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<h3>
Maintaining Authority</h3>
It's sometimes hard to see how allowing room for exploration in discipline is still maintaining authority but it is.<br />
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If you completely forbid a certain behaviour and your teen does it anyway, then you no longer hold authority and must consider options for punishment in order to regain it. If you discourage a behaviour while talking about it and perhaps allowing controlled exploration, then you are never actually relinquishing your position of authority. Minor transgressions don't need to be punished but can instead become the foundation of discussions and lessons.<br />
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<i>The other key element to maintaining authority is to ensure that both parents are fully supportive of each other. If you're seen to be at odds with one of your partner's decisions, your kids will fully exploit that weakness. </i><br />
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The best way to move forward as a couple is to ensure that you discuss issues either before they arise or before you deal with them.<br />
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If your teen confronts you with an idea that you're uncomfortable with, one of the best approaches is to say; "I'm not sure and I'll have to think about it. Can you leave it with me so that I can discuss it with your mother/father when they get home?" This will buy you some time while also allowing you to come up with a comprehensive answer and a united front. <br />
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If you're using this technique, find a way to contact your significant other to let them know not to give a direct answer (yet). This is important, especially if your kids tend to ask the other parent if they don't get a satisfactory answer from the first. <br />
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<i>Authority and respect for authority is best maintained by having a united front and by avoiding direct negative answers. Try to find ways to compromise so that everyone gets a little of what they want and there's no need for direct challenges to authority. </i><br />
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<h2>
Keeping the Peace</h2>
<i>It's only natural that teens will rebel against their parents. This will come through in their words and actions. You'll need to ensure that you have a checklist of "absolute NO's", where a given behaviour is simply not permitted and must be apologised for. Violence, property damage and name calling spring to mind as good "absolute NOs" and you'll need to ensure that all members of the household, parents included, adhere to those rules. </i><br />
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<i>Beyond that, parents particularly fathers, need to try to get closer to their children at younger ages. It's important to be able to relate to them in order for them to take their grievances to you instead of into their own hands. </i><br />
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<i>When teaching and imposing limits on your children be sure to think about whether what you're asking for is fair and whether it applies to everyone. Be prepared to compromise instead of giving absolute "NO" for your answer. </i>Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-45429694565707182742020-01-09T12:17:00.000+11:002020-01-09T09:43:53.635+11:00Time Blindness and Autism<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0LaaHhC1GfidV2DuDEtcKzaLfka6t7C7_ZmrYFxxT8HaziNpvdoICEDUOLQWwlapumcrCJwzPU_Mrs_8ozkJYHrZTAzAImhZeUedP-SE_ROeKS93i2eBlqMyQ3NSOr81bUSzAMeI7E_w/s1600/TimeBlog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="icon of a head with a clock in it." border="0" data-original-height="444" data-original-width="796" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0LaaHhC1GfidV2DuDEtcKzaLfka6t7C7_ZmrYFxxT8HaziNpvdoICEDUOLQWwlapumcrCJwzPU_Mrs_8ozkJYHrZTAzAImhZeUedP-SE_ROeKS93i2eBlqMyQ3NSOr81bUSzAMeI7E_w/s400/TimeBlog.jpg" title="" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b><i>People with Autism and Asperger's syndrome may experience a variety of different executive functioning issues. These include issues with; organisation skills, self regulation, the ability to process tasks sequentially and remembering instructions, multi-tasking, filtering distractions, setting priorities, planning and attention focusing. </i></b><br />
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<i>In this post, I want to focus on "time-blindness" and look at some of the causes and the ways in which this obstacle can be reduced.</i><br />
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<h2>
What is Time-Blindness?</h2>
Time blindness is when an individual becomes somewhat unaware of the passage of time. Like most executive functions, the ability to measure and manage time is part innate and part learned. It needs to be practiced and honed in order to keep it sharp and functional but it comes more naturally to some people than to others. People on the autism spectrum and people with related issues, such as OCD and ADHD can have particular difficulty in this area.<br />
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Time-blindness can impact people in a very big way and can make it difficult for them to get to places on time, complete their work and function in a society where everything seems to have a deadline..<br />
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<h2>
What causes Time-Blindness?</h2>
There are many factors that influence time-blindness and these include behavioural influences, upbringing and the general mindset of the individual. Some of things that are particularly related to autism include;<br />
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<h3>
Hyperfocus and Special Interests</h3>
<div>
Hyperfocus is a well-known trait that many Autistic people share. It's often, but not always, connected to special interests. Hyperfocus is when a person gets so engrossed in a task that they lose track of the world outside their task. With the right focus, this can be a great gift and it's one of the reasons why many people on the spectrum are able to become very successful, particularly in the areas of science and computing. A hyperfocused individual may power through lunch without realising that they're hungry and it's not uncommon for them to look up and suddenly realise that they're in an office all by themselves because everyone else has already gone home.</div>
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<h3>
Poor Time Estimation</h3>
<div>
People on the spectrum often have little understanding of how long a task is going to take. As a result, they may start a long and difficult task that cannot be interrupted when they clearly don't have enough time to complete it. For example they may decide to clean out a refrigerator ten minutes before they're due to leave. Such a task often cannot be interrupted and needs to be completed. This results in the person being late.</div>
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<h3>
Skipping Steps</h3>
<div>
Another area where people go wrong is in missing out steps in a procedure. They plan to be at a specific place at a particular time but don't think the entire thing through. As a result, they don't factor in transport times or the need to get changed before they leave. Often, people with time blindness will leave home at the time that they're supposed to be arriving at their destination. This isn't because they don't understand that time is needed but simply that they fail to factor the journey into the procedure. </div>
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<h3>
Perfection</h3>
<div>
Many people on the autism spectrum are perfectionists and many also have OCD. While having OCD can be beneficial for a time-blind person on a strict routine, it can create great problems when flexibility is required. OCD can make simple tasks take far longer and can add multiple layers of unnecessary doubt and "double-checking". If someone with OCD is following a set of procedures written for others, their times are likely to be completely different. </div>
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<h3>
Self Regulation and Self Control</h3>
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Distractability is a big issue for many autistic people, particularly people with a co-condition like ADHD. Technology is often the worst of the distractions with computer games and mobile phones frequently pulling individuals off-task. It's not simply an issue during work hours either as these distractions can prevent people from completing daily chores and personal hygiene. They can also result in people staying up all night and being unable to wake or unable to function in the morning. Computer games often encourage total focus and are usually played with the curtains closed. They are very addictive and often have their own day and night cycles which do not line up with the outside world. There are no clocks displayed on the screen and the passage of time can easily become lost. </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif2hA2jvlz4a7Xi85VriMwcBNizp61lKAVUFd1R2kmfCBAQ0SifxCDDBon-9By4Gj21Fm6IgK44BtMHd4_dGuw1Bh4XG17TwnDNQLhrZLqgTqbk5zz-uqATDIXvprNUEIFwoQOFVXXpKo/s1600/DayNightCycles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Two computer game screens, one in day mode and the other in night mode." border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="700" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif2hA2jvlz4a7Xi85VriMwcBNizp61lKAVUFd1R2kmfCBAQ0SifxCDDBon-9By4Gj21Fm6IgK44BtMHd4_dGuw1Bh4XG17TwnDNQLhrZLqgTqbk5zz-uqATDIXvprNUEIFwoQOFVXXpKo/s400/DayNightCycles.jpg" title="" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Computer Games have their own day/night cycles.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<h2>
How can we reduce the effects of Time-blindness?</h2>
<i>While nothing is going to be one-hundred percent effective against time-blindness, there are quite a few things that we can do to reduce the issues. These include;</i><br />
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<h3>
Increasing the presence of time</h3>
<div>
This really does mean to hang clocks everywhere. Make sure that there's a visible clock in the rooms that the person with time-blindness uses most frequently. This should include bedrooms, kitchens and TV/Games rooms. While it's stylish to have analogue clocks with invisible numbers, it's much more effective to have digital clocks as these will leave no doubt as to when a certain time is reached. Having a watch, such as a Fitbit or Samsung with multiple alarms (and a vibrate mode) will also help. </div>
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<h3>
Use technology as a prompter</h3>
There's a lot of great technology available now that will help you to manage time. Phones and watches now have multiple alarms that you can set for specific times (for example when it's time to leave the house for work or school) and alarms that you can set for specific duration, such as "one hour of game-playing time". Some of the best of these alarm systems are the home assistant devices, like Google Home and Amazon Alexa. You'll find that you can use these for other things too, such as keeping track of your day and determining how long it will take you to get to places.<br />
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<h3>
Set aside time for interests</h3>
<div>
Nobody is suggesting that anyone give up their special interests. To do this would make it unlikely that your aspie would be interested in doing other tasks. Instead, the idea is to plan out the time that is allocated to those interests to ensure that it doesn't conflict with other things, so for example, starting the next level of a computer game five minutes before dinner doesn't happen. </div>
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<i>Planning doesn't have to be detailed but it's important to recognise that the interests are critical to the individual's happiness and should ideally be uninterrupted. Find a 30 minutes to one hour slot in the day where this is possible and slot those interests in. If possible, set a timer (or say to your google home; "Hey Google, set a timer for one hour called Game Playing"). </i><br />
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<h3>
Plan and Prepare in more detail</h3>
<div>
When my wife is taking us somewhere, she'll often say, "be ready to leave at six". That's the extent of her planning because that's all she needs. In my case, I'll work it out in more detail. I need to be ready at six. Which means that I'll need at least 30 minutes to get dressed, another 15 for breakfast and probably 15 for a shower. So, that means that I'll need to wake up at five. I'll also select my clothes and pack my bag the night before so that I'm as ready to go as possible. </div>
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<h3>
Plan to be early</h3>
Too often, we plan our day around deadlines. We know that we have an appointment somewhere at 2pm, so we plan to be there at 2pm. This leaves us in a very vulnerable position if anything were to go wrong. Instead, whenever possible, plan to be there at 1pm. Plan to be early and then if your connections fail you, you'll won't necessarily be late.<br />
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This morning, my son said to me, "my bus doesn't leave for another 15 minutes and I can walk to the stop in 6". I reminded him that if he gets to the bus stop early, that's 9 minutes that he can spend playing on his phone and that given that it's school holidays at the moment, buses will emptier and will be running faster than usual. It's not something that kids will usually consider.<br />
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<h3>
Work against perfectionism, when it creates delays</h3>
<div>
There's nothing particularly wrong with a bit of perfectionism. I love having my books perfectly arranged in alphabetical order with the titles lining up correctly. I'm careful with the way that I name files when saving, to create the same effect. Perfectionism can create great, easy to use systems which are not just a pleasure to use but also provide a lot of great advantages. Unfortunately, sometimes these systems can take a long while to perfect -- and sometimes the time they take outweighs their benefits. </div>
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It's important to be able to recognise when a particular custom of yours isn't helping and to stop doing it in order to save time. Sometimes this isn't always apparent and sometimes familiar routines are difficult to let go of. If they take too much time, let them go.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpGDAVqcnO-p7_hSAdsbUco97-XoxzDvJpjrAqIlGE5LQUTlADXpnM-CB3Kmt9ZlDir4eOP9WGqqZqYe5BtUA_zyhnIf1EW3HR0hzu-62Og_I_7E6zLXJMJCtJ9bW8qM7wtmEdV2FhVJg/s1600/OCDBookshelves.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="A bookshelf containing books arranged by colour" border="0" data-original-height="527" data-original-width="564" height="299" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpGDAVqcnO-p7_hSAdsbUco97-XoxzDvJpjrAqIlGE5LQUTlADXpnM-CB3Kmt9ZlDir4eOP9WGqqZqYe5BtUA_zyhnIf1EW3HR0hzu-62Og_I_7E6zLXJMJCtJ9bW8qM7wtmEdV2FhVJg/s320/OCDBookshelves.jpg" title="" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not all OCD Routines add value</td></tr>
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<i>Time blindness can be a great thing when you're working on a project with a long deadline and you need to be able to ignore distractions to give your 110%. It's not a good thing when there's a clear and close deadline. Fortunately, it only takes a few changes of habit to negate the worst effects. </i><br />
<br />Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4841851020927689161.post-45569604560776597622019-12-30T08:35:00.000+11:002019-12-30T08:35:05.348+11:00Rounding up 2019<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEika3wYCU3hOQ6ehco6IGGfPoMjgwfXzR_jj6sXl1atHe9cmfCdX8dCI1IARgFZgzwP37oDc65twsLJdlJRM6og0-e6_6AAUK4pHbA0TR2Hn44DgOp9WfUuZTut6KKWV2CbEQQvFbob1cc/s1600/Closing2019.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Curtains closing on 2019" border="0" data-original-height="312" data-original-width="590" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEika3wYCU3hOQ6ehco6IGGfPoMjgwfXzR_jj6sXl1atHe9cmfCdX8dCI1IARgFZgzwP37oDc65twsLJdlJRM6og0-e6_6AAUK4pHbA0TR2Hn44DgOp9WfUuZTut6KKWV2CbEQQvFbob1cc/s400/Closing2019.jpg" title="" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b><i>We've reached the end of yet another year and before I jump into 2020, I wanted to take a look back at my posts and activities for 2019. </i></b><br />
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<h2>
Life Changes</h2>
I started blogging back in October 2007, over 12 years ago now. My two boys were aged 4 and 7 and I was still young, still struggling to be a father and husband and I had only just started to come to terms with my own position on the spectrum. In 2019 I turned 50, so there's no denying that I'm old. My boys are now 16 and 19, with my eldest finished school, working and studying. Those old restrictions that his teachers tried to impose "your son will never......", seem so far away now. We've given him a lot of good support but he's done most of the heavy lifting by himself and I couldn't be more proud of him.<br />
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The problems facing us now are so different from those we faced when the kids were younger. My kids now have to enter the world of dating while I have to deal with the issues of ageing parents and my own advancing years.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmb88Wv3aQFrfY2CSYtYUap1HKMjBchSYtLXUU3JUn0GbRrup7F9zB7gzvgR3-S0Ziees2dl-9eTpNF6b-M6TKihQM-EktqAwAdjU-AwhAwg_NAU5ibHTIcoSN47XvU4qZKhXlYwbHNiA/s1600/Family2019.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Our family in 2019" border="0" data-original-height="638" data-original-width="1000" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmb88Wv3aQFrfY2CSYtYUap1HKMjBchSYtLXUU3JUn0GbRrup7F9zB7gzvgR3-S0Ziees2dl-9eTpNF6b-M6TKihQM-EktqAwAdjU-AwhAwg_NAU5ibHTIcoSN47XvU4qZKhXlYwbHNiA/s400/Family2019.jpg" title="" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A family shot in Sausalito from our 2019 holiday</td></tr>
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<h2>
The Blog Itself</h2>
Every year, I try to set myself a goal of blogging more. I guess it would be easy if I was doing short posts but since I tend to do longer ones, it's actually difficult to achieve. This year's total count is going to be 21 posts, six more than last year but one less than 2017. One thing that makes this difficult is that a couple of years ago, some people referred to my site as a "review site" and I decided then to cut back on book reviews (only one this year) and concentrate on posts that people can use.<br />
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I'm also gradually shifting my language from Asperger's to autism but I'm keeping things open because I know that not everyone is ready for the transition. In this blog you'll find that I use "person with autism", "person with Asperger's", "Autistic person", "aspie", "individual on the spectrum" and a dozen other turns of phrase interchangeably. Rather than concentrating on person-first or condition-first language, I'm putting my efforts towards simply writing good articles.<br />
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I'm closing out the year with a radical change to the design of the blog. The aim being to update it to a more modern look that works better on mobile devices (while still keeping it working on computers). Hopefully this will also fix some of the accessibility issues. I'm aware that the changes make some of the older content harder to get to. I'm not sure what to do about that yet but I'm working on it.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq59Dc67ou8_usbTZSr0kkCaqoDwSW8TSbk3aDhQCLqmZzuZaliqetqiAsvh-0a8_TDuBB16fHcyZjm2YtrvPvII4_NwiF0vfBUwRZiutUCLS2ZvMr02R9lSFfZOt_I89cCpO5pmh_kjw/s1600/OldVsNew.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Old and new blog layouts side by side." border="0" data-original-height="284" data-original-width="800" height="141" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq59Dc67ou8_usbTZSr0kkCaqoDwSW8TSbk3aDhQCLqmZzuZaliqetqiAsvh-0a8_TDuBB16fHcyZjm2YtrvPvII4_NwiF0vfBUwRZiutUCLS2ZvMr02R9lSFfZOt_I89cCpO5pmh_kjw/s400/OldVsNew.jpg" title="" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Old blog look versus the new.</td></tr>
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<h2>
Posts from 2019</h2>
Enough reminiscing; Here's a list of my posts from about last year. Wherever you are and whatever your situation, I wish you the very best for 2020.<br />
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<ul>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/01/what-people-with-autism-can-learn-from.html" target="_blank">What people with autism can learn from Memes - Part 1: Female Behaviours</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/01/what-people-with-autism-can-learn-from_20.html" target="_blank">What people with autism can learn from Memes - Part 2: Male Behaviours</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/02/which-schools-are-good-fit-for-your.html" target="_blank">Which Schools are a good fit for your Child on the Autism Spectrum?</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/02/helping-your-kids-on-spectrum-to-find.html" target="_blank">Helping your kids on the Spectrum to find Employment - Part 1</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/03/helping-your-kids-on-spectrum-to-find.html" target="_blank">Helping your kids on the Spectrum to find Employment - Part 2</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/03/helping-your-kids-on-spectrum-to-find_10.html" target="_blank">Helping your kids on the Spectrum to find Employment - Part 3</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/03/audio-book-review-curious-incident-of.html" target="_blank">Audio Book Review: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/03/aspergers-and-over-parenting.html" target="_blank">Over-Parenting kids on the Autism Spectrum</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/04/why-autistic-people-need-to-be.html" target="_blank">Why Autistic People need to be Encouraged to "Give things a Go"</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/04/are-we-all-little-bit-autistic.html" target="_blank">Are we "all a little bit Autistic"?</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/04/aspergers-and-bullying-running-away.html" target="_blank">Asperger's and Bullying - Running Away isn't the Answer</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/04/pressuring-people-with-autism-outside.html" target="_blank">Pressuring people with Autism outside their Comfort Space can lead to Issues</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/05/relationship-traits-that-couples-with.html" target="_blank">Relationship Traits that couples with Autism can learn from</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/06/teaching-responsibility-to-kids-with.html" target="_blank">Teaching Responsibility to kids with Autism</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/07/some-thoughts-on-cups-extreme-male.html" target="_blank">Some thoughts on Cups, the extreme male brain theories of autism and genderless society</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/07/forget-normal-set-personal-goals-for.html" target="_blank">Forget Normal. Set Personal Goals for a Happier Life</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/08/being-older-adult-with-aspergers.html" target="_blank">Being an Older Adult with Asperger's Syndrome</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/08/our-partners-and-autism-acceptance.html" target="_blank">Our Partners and Autism Acceptance</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/11/strategies-for-when-your-autistic.html" target="_blank">Strategies for when your autistic teenager needs help with Math</a></li>
<li><a href="https://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2019/12/being-good-dad-to-kids-on-spectrum.html" target="_blank">Being a Good Dad to Kids on the Spectrum</a></li>
</ul>
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<br />Gavin Bollardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13833941398375568706noreply@blogger.com3