I was asked by a reader if I could write something about Adult Meltdowns. This is my attempt. It's not terribly good because I find this topic very difficult to write about.
In children, meltdowns are sometimes incorrectly referred to as "tantrums". I've talked about the differences between a meltdown and a tantrum before so I won't bore you with the details again.
- They are not controlled events
- Once "tripped" they can't be stopped easily.
- The reasons for them are often long term and/or sensory (even though the triggers are usually immediate).
A young child can often be restrained or moved to a place of safety during a meltdown but what about older kids and adults? As a parent, you can often tell your kids to "go to your room" and sometimes they even comply but what happens when it's your spouse that's having the meltdown?
Adult Meltdowns Do Happen (they're just usually less visible)
It's true, adults do have meltdowns too. I'm not talking about temper flare ups and the urge to hit people who don't agree. You don't need to be on the spectrum to have those - though having a little alcohol and/or stress sometimes helps.
I'm talking about fully-fledged out-of-control meltdowns.
Most adults today with a history of meltdowns are able to exercise at least a degree of contol over their triggers. We often know when someone is "pushing our buttons" and can switch topics or leave the room. Similarly, if we walk into a store where the music is too loud, we can ask the storekeeper to turn it down - or we can choose to walk out again. We're at least that much better off than our children.
The Problems of Restraint
Unfortunately, there are situations in which we can't exercise our adult rights. Sometimes abusive people corner us, sometimes we get into situations from which we can't extract ourselves and sometimes we find that we are overwhelmed too quickly to react.
Police Action
One of the most common occasions in which an adult meltdown is triggered is during police action. Unfortunately, this is probably the worst time for one to occur because violent or noisy outbursts are often met with both violence and legal action.
When the police are called in to deal with stressful situations such as domestic issues, car accidents or minor infractions, the adult aspie is already stressed. As tension builds and they feel a meltdown looming, they will attempt to remove themselves from the situation. Unfortunately, during police action, this ability and this "right" is significantly reduced. It's quite common for innocent aspies to run from the police and it's equally common for aspies to resort to violent outbursts in these situations.
It's probably important to let the police know that you have aspergers syndrome as early as possible and to ask to be able to talk in a less confrontational situation. In some cases, "taking a ride downtown" might be a safer option than trying to discuss it at the scene of the issue.
The Restraint of Responsibility
The restricted ability to remove oneself from a situation isn't just about the law however. Adults with aspergers can be restricted at home by spouses who invade their personal space leaving them with nowhere to retreat to.
Responsibility is also a very restrictive force. Consider the parent who takes their children to a play center only to discover that the noise levels and social anxiety are pushing them to the verge of a meltdown. It isn't simply a case of leaving because the kids can't be left alone in such a place.
Many parents with sensory difficulties normally avoid such places but when they're chosen by other parents as venues for children's parties, they often attend rather than deny their own children a chance to make friends.
Sometimes you have little choice but to put yourself in meltdown territory and hope that nothing tips you over the edge.
Next time: I want to look at how the rules of relationships need to change to accommodate the needs of meltdown-prone adults.
Comments
@Monkeyfoot:toys with batteries and tunes are not alowed in my home :)!
Yeah, shame on them for treating you like a human being instead of a weather pattern or wild animal.
So what if it didn't help you? It helped your ex-girlfriend and whomever else you were threatening. That's the whole point of locking up people who threaten to hurt other people.
"if you didn't make me so mad, I wouldn't have to hit you!"... Textbook language from theouth of the abuser!!
When an Aspie feels a melt-down coming on, the best thing to do is to leave the presence of other people and find a place to be alone. I am non-violent during meltdowns, but if someone intrudes I will yell at them to "leave me alone!" It is important to differentiate between a Meltdown and a Shutdown. Some people in Shutdown do lose consciousness, however briefly. Most people injure themselves under those circumstances and don't strike out violently at others. I am curious whether your ex was also a substance abuser. The "blaming others" is not typical Aspie behavior, even when they are in extreme distress -- unless their request to be left alone was not respected. If the Aspie has nowhere to go, maybe the spouse and children could leave for a few hours? You didn't discuss what "triggered" these meltdowns. This seems a bit too violent for a meltdown and more like temper tantrums in children and adolescents. Did your ex have other co-morbid problems, like PTSD, for example?
we went to court in 2003 and because I am an Aspie and I don't reach their intellectual standards. My case worker betrayed me! If I were a female Aspie one might ask would it be the same out come as it is that I am a male Aspie?
I love! And love is a very strong word!!! I love my "daughter!" With all heart and being! That truly makes absolute sense to me! For ten years now I have met heartaches and defeats on a new level! For the fourth time my daughters mother, is threatening to to terminate my parental rights! For No good reason. My daughter is well! Very smart! Brilliant so far at math. Taught her to read and I taught her math at the of 3! I also showed her the mathematical equation of sports such as her favorite, soccer!!! She is my lil Einstein and my favorite FUTBOL player!!!!!!! My daughter is 13 years of age. Is anyone familiar with Parental Alienation Syndrome? I do, I have dealt with the narcissism of my daughters mother! Not to talk badly!!! We all have this human flaw! The motheris Alienating me.from my daughter, and doing everything to sabotage my relationship with our daughter. This is attempt No.#4! The neurotypical mother I might add! Is continuing to sever my relationship by ingratiating the judge, with my mental health. My lawyer and case worker/advocate allowed them to get my medical history.. Violating my human rights. Not mention the hypa law! I will have to spell check I believe it is hypa!
If anyone reads this! Can you help me? I have court September 20 2012. I'm tired of being bullied! I love my daughter!!!!!!! I'm a good Papa to her! I love her with my heart! My meltdown status is very current! Repetitive reactions, stressed, over stimulation. I would it if I could see everything wrong inside! Like a toy or a car! You can just fix it! Please, fellow Aspie brothers and sisters can you as neurotypical siblings or close friends would say, " can you help a brother out?
Cordially, Ernie Ccamvega Young de Herrera Jr. V.D.V.
we went to court in 2003 and because I am an Aspie and I don't reach their intellectual standards. My case worker betrayed me! If I were a female Aspie one might ask would it be the same out come as it is that I am a male Aspie?
I love! And love is a very strong word!!! I love my "daughter!" With all heart and being! That truly makes absolute sense to me! For ten years now I have met heartaches and defeats on a new level! For the fourth time my daughters mother, is threatening to to terminate my parental rights! For No good reason. My daughter is well! Very smart! Brilliant so far at math. Taught her to read and I taught her math at the of 3! I also showed her the mathematical equation of sports such as her favorite, soccer!!! She is my lil Einstein and my favorite FUTBOL player!!!!!!! My daughter is 13 years of age. Is anyone familiar with Parental Alienation Syndrome? I do, I have dealt with the narcissism of my daughters mother! Not to talk badly!!! We all have this human flaw! The motheris Alienating me.from my daughter, and doing everything to sabotage my relationship with our daughter. This is attempt No.#4! The neurotypical mother I might add! Is continuing to sever my relationship by ingratiating the judge, with my mental health. My lawyer and case worker/advocate allowed them to get my medical history.. Violating my human rights. Not mention the hypa law! I will have to spell check I believe it is hypa!
If anyone reads this! Can you help me? I have court September 20 2012. I'm tired of being bullied! I love my daughter!!!!!!! I'm a good Papa to her! I love her with my heart! My meltdown status is very current! Repetitive reactions, stressed, over stimulation. I would it if I could see everything wrong inside! Like a toy or a car! You can just fix it! Please, fellow Aspie brothers and sisters can you as neurotypical siblings or close friends would say, " can you help a brother out?
Cordially, Ernie Ccamvega Young de Herrera Jr. V.D.V.
"[men who batter women, men who rape women, and other men on a dominance trip over women] depend on others to make excuses for them, to say they didn't mean it that way or to claim that maybe they really don't know what they're doing or claim that they just lost their temper or that it's just a joke."
I made a decision NOT to have a child due to the fear that they would if not inherit, "learn" from me the social phobia, the different ways of perceiving things, the melt downs, etc. It has been difficult enough to cope with being me..to visit this upon a child? I lacked the courage to make the attempt.
I TELL people when I am hitting overload and some do not listen. A few are even sadistic and deliberately continue ridiculing or criticizing me (these are the people I turn away from forever). I will not get violent. I will not tolerate violence against me.
I feel honest empathy for those on the spectrum who are raising children and remain responsible. For you I have great admiration! Thank you for staying with your child or children in spite of your pain, which I know only too well. My mother was NT and abandoned me to my abusive father (an Aspie alcoholic w/PTSD). She was self-centered & didn't seem interested in trying to understand me. To her, I was just a burden. She left me to raise my own father, who was a destroyed man. I was a little girl, seven years old, being punished for all the wrongs of war and the wrongs this woman had done. So again, I thank you Aspies who are kind, loving and patient with your children and do not desert them or what is best in yourselves.
You have the RIGHT to a differing opinion and NO ONE has the right to do physical harm to you! In this you have my complete and total support! I was just amazed that an Aspie would behave so sadistically, so abruptly! I thought..maybe there is some sort of communication problem, here? NO! There is NO communication problem here! Your EX is someone you should stay away from! Get a transfer to another part of the company and a restraining order! What reason do you have to continue seeing him outside of work, at all?
The "Boss"sounds like someone from MSFT...I worked there and very much disliked this SAME attitude (it is an old LIE intended to devalue each individual member of a "team"..do NOT believe it!). This "Aspie" is your EX? What reason, other than time at work together, do you have to spend ANY time alone in his company? HE HAS NO CONSCIENCE! He beats you up and blames YOU because you expressed a difference of opinion?!? What happens when he KILLS you or one of your pets? I did not understand before...I do NOW. Aspies may sometimes have low Empathy, but they are not lacking in a sense of right and wrong. Your EX cannot see what is right and what is wrong. I will ask again about substance abuse and also question the diagnosis of "Aspie." He behaves like a PREDATOR. Please protect yourself from him NOW. Speak with a lawyer, police, your family, close friends (who will NOT speak to him), Doctors. Get AWAY from him. Do you happen to know who formally diagnosed him? I question the sanity and skill of this Doctor!
These men who abuse may count on others to apologize for them, but there ARE no apologies and NO excuses. I do not care WHAT a woman SAYS or the tone or voice she uses. TO slap her. to punch her, to kick her, grab her and slam her into walls, trap her in a corner and shove her back when she attempts to go by, trip her so she stumbles and falls, act as if you're being a gentleman and then deliberately HIT her with the arm of a chair while you sarcastically "apologize" and your idiot friends laugh. There ARE no excuses. There ARE no apologies. AND you are in all likelihood NOT men with Aspergers Syndrome. Aspies know the difference between right and wrong, even when they have low Empathy. Whoever formally diagnosed a brutal, sadistic man as an "Aspie" when this man didn't clearly have other co-morbid issues and problems with substance abuse didn't do such a great job and a second opinion is definitely called for before some long-suffering woman DIES because you made a bad judgement call and allowed a Psychopath to masquerade as a person with Aspergers. Brutality is NEVER a joke. Melt downs do NOT involve adults suddenly and without warning lashing out and beating women who are TRAPPED and cannot escape their tormentor because they stated in a non-confrontational way a difference of opinion. Any man who tells you he is an Aspie and behaves like this to you is a LIAR. You call police, get yourself, children, pets, to a safe place, talk to a lawyer, get a restraining order and NEVER have anything to do with this maniac again! This is not, I repeat, NOT, the way an adult person with Aspergers behaves! I am an Aspie! Aspies are not predatory people who enjoy doing harm to others! ASPD is not the same as ASPERGERS. Aspies with substance abuse disorders and co-morbid problems need additional professional help! DO NOT REMAIN WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE PHYSICALLY HARMING YOU!
My point exactly!
You might like this link too - it's a cool metaphor: http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/07/31/readercon-harassment-etc/#comment-346433
Hershele Ostropoler says:
August 4, 2012 at 12:30 am
"If you step on my foot, you need to get off my foot.
"If you step on my foot without meaning to, you need to get off my foot.
"If you step on my foot without realizing it, you need to get off my foot.
"If everyone in your culture steps on feet, your culture is horrible, and you need to get off my foot.
"If you have foot-stepping disease, and it makes you unaware you're stepping on feet, you need to get off my foot. If an event has rules designed to keep people from stepping on feet, you need to follow them. If you think that even with the rules, you won't be able to avoid stepping on people's feet, absent yourself from the event until you work something out.
"If you're a serial foot-stepper, and you feel you're entitled to step on people's feet because you're just that awesome and they're not really people anyway, you're a bad person and you don't get to use any of those excuses, limited as they are. And moreover, you need to get off my foot.
"See, that's why I don't get the focus on classifying harassers and figuring out their motives. The victims are just as harassed either way."
I love my children more than anything or anyone. That doesn't make people see me as a good mother. Love isn't enough.
The stresses of working and sensory issues makes being a parent incredibly hard.
Through a lot of personal growth and evaluation, I have come to understand myself and what is best for my children. As much as my heart screams I want them with me 24-7... reality doesn't play out that way. My needs and behaviors yields a different reality.
I miss them. Oh how I miss them.
>>>THIS<<< As an adult female aspie in a 30-year relationship - I am forced to attend family get-togethers, wedddings, bridal showers, etc. - although I have grown fond of his family over the years, I never want to attend this gatherings, because I know I am a ticking time bomb, and those one or two people in his family that I absolutely CANNOT STAND, will be there, and will be sure to annoy the living hell out of me. I have had many, many, close calls and barely-deferred meltdowns over the years, and they are always AWFUL and so stressful to endure. I feel SO MUCH like a trapped animal at these events. Aspergers can be both heaven (when I'm alone and in a "safe" environment, feel an absolute joy and sense of well-being, that I can't imagine NT's would understand) and pure hell on Earth. ~ 46 y/o female Aspie
I can't stand it! I want finally female of my own species! People hate me! Some cry Cause they say there stupid! And when I tell them That's no reason to cry! For instance one cries because their sad! And I'm sad because other's are stupid.
They don't get my sadness and the trouble I've seen, And none of them know my sorrows. And they certainly don't understand I'm trying to help them.
I've learn that I can't! So what do I do now? I want a wife, best friend, companion! Friends that love me and my daughter. O bother!
This is Ernie Young de Herrera Jr. Till then have a nice day!
To express a blanket condemnation of ANY group of people within society is your right, but it is also MY right to disagree with a blanket condemnation of all women who are Neurotypical.
It arouses my suspicions when people speak or describe things in terms of absolutes: rarely does a person "always" or "never" act in the same way repeatedly.
I'm uncertain what you mean by "everything proper comes with (a) logical guide", because I've not found this to be true. The meaning of MANY words within various cultures have changed over years and decades and you've chosen some very provocative examples when there are many more that illustrate the point without possibly upsetting anyone. "Dog" became an expression that meant much more than man's best friend and was sometimes positive.
There was a time when calling a person a "mudsill" was considered a terrible insult, but it is still a fundamental part of construction.
No one can reach inside of you and make you feel stupid, unless you agree with them. If you do not believe you are stupid, no one can convince you that you are.
As for your species, what is it? You are saying you are a human being with Asperger's. I am writing in response to what you've written and I am a female human being with Asperger's (and ADHD and PTSD).
Do you really believe that EVERYONE hates you or are you afraid to give people a chance to know you? Have you seen a counselor and talked about the way you feel?
There are a LOT of people in the world and to be writing that billions of people you have not even met hate you... that's judging yourself and others pretty harshly, imo. You've just gotten through the holidays... these are tough times. Get professional help. Be honest with your counselor and with yourself.
All you want is all MOST of us wants: to be happy, to be loved and to be accepted. This might seem very simple from our point of view; very often it is not at all simple. We think we see ourselves as we are and often we don't. That is what makes a good counselor so important.
Being an Aspie does not guarantee that one will get along with another Aspie. Regardless of how upset I become, I am non-violent. I will not tolerate threats or "hate speech".
If I were to meet a man with Asperger's who behaved violently in my presence or who was abusive with me or anyone else, I'd be unable to remain in close proximity to this man and I'd do everything within the law to remove any other person he might hurt to a place of safety.
So, knowing this, is ii only NT women who are a problem for you? Have you managed to have a successful relationship with a woman who has Asperger's? You say you have a daughter. By condemning yourself as "stupid", what sort of message do you think she is getting from this?
First of all! " My Autism Asperger's Syndrome is a Nuerological Disorder!" If you have (AS) a (HFA) you would know that."
Autism is not a mental illness!
Ptsd, depression, bipolar, is a mental illness. These I do not have. As (A) true Aspie! My inheritance comes from my father on his side of the family. I don't know How I can or could make myself much clearer to anyone including you! As you have taken my personal feelings toward the issues I've had to endure with nuerotypical females or NT's in general, offensive to you yourself! I'am So Sorry! Bazinga!!! I'm really not!!!
If I say peanut butter! do I mean peanut butter in some other way? Of course not! It (is) just peanut butter! Literally okay?
And I take things literally for what they are!!! I don't see this or that the way I want to!
But it is very obvious that you see what you want to see, as they say: "Everything is black and white with you!" Aspies do not see your point of view if you see things the way the Nuerotypical world dose. If your an Aspie! Why would you be affended? Your comments seem to be of the hurtful intent. I detect, that you may feel superiority by adding and adding your own feelings. As an Aspie! born into a Nuerotypical world. From the time of my youth! To comprehend the meaning of feelings and emotions to be in dire need of any closeness to people has s always alluded me! Now material objects, I have more of a bond with than any human. I did not cry, or show emotion. I explored by running away. I taught myself to read at the age of 3. And by four, I knew How to multiply by 12's. I got beat up for correcting people, as they had no clue of the way things should be. For example: "I was told to go to hell. I corrected the individual for using a word he did not understand! Thus telling him what the meaning of hell actually is."
Hell means: "The common grave of mankind. Not a literal place of fire and torment. Job, Jesus and all who have died and will die, are going to the common grave of man kind! The Hebrew word (Sheol) the Greek word (Haides) and the English word (Hell) all mean the samething! "THE COMMON GRAVE OF MANKIND." The proper word he should have used to describe what he was saying to me, is (Gehenna). Means everlasting destruction, burned in the fire, gone forever. You'll never live again!!! you are no more!!!
Well, then, this other individual says to me: "He is actually telling you to just shut up!
my comment after words again corrected him as I then said: " why didn't you just ask me nicely to stop talking or to keep quiet, shut up? "I understand English! dont you?" That did not end well.
Or if someone cries and says they are stupid. I wouldn't cry because I did not know something! I would learn it! And then parrot it back to other's to help them! Even though at my expense I'am bullied, treated with disdain and contempt.
I'm going to try to help you understand.
A person saying they are stupid isn't a reason to cry! One cries because one is sad! For example: "I cry because other's are stupid, and that makes me sad!
If you Ms..Ashtamangala think you are "A" true Aspie through and through! Then why would you not understand the words I posted?
Another example: "Why would an Aspie say formally diagnosed? If you are! Then you always have been, since you came into the world! And when you just became diagnosed you wouldn't
say: "O now I have a Form of Autism, or, I have Asperger's Syndrome NOW!
O FYI!.For someone like you who has ADHD and PTSD, and !!!NO!!! NOT AUTISM!!! Don't "YOU" need a counselor or Therapist, phsyciatrist? Because, I certainly don't!!! And I'm not crazy!!! My family had me tested! I have an IQ. of 175! And things I should know that are beneficial in this world I do know!
A Female Aspie is what I want, because the world has no place still for the different and brilliant a like.
My experience is, as mi abuelita says: "Mijo like speaks to like, stick with your own kind!"
See my Dr. reccomends that I do So, and I intend to. I want to be loved by my own kind A nice beautiful Female Aspie! It is only, logical that I find a Female Aspie counter part. What is it to you? If you can't understand well I forbid you to post on my posts!!! After all, if you do not understand what I'am saying and you have an uncertainty of my words, And you not capable of inquiring of what I mean, before you judge me, then your words are vain and pitiful at best! There is no welcome here!!! There is no room for an attack on me for posting my thoughts! That is who I'am! What is my life to you? You are confused by me! How i s it you could ever be an Aspie of our kind! Obviously, we are segregated and not of Nuerotypical origin! You would challenge that? A blind human being, is
neither Nuerotypical or Autistic! So How can you judge our kind! "We are Aspies!" We are happy that is what we are and I was born Autistic, an Aspie you weren't, Right? Because you just all of a sudden became an Aspie. Huh! You are !!!NOT!!! YOU ARE an N.T.F. So How dare you, bully us because we don't fit to your liking you are Autistic, Aspie!
Ernie Young de Herrera
And for giving harsh correction, I was upset by your snide remarks and decided to set you straight, for it did not make sense that you would make comments as you did. And it still doesn't. I need not to worry myself with your irrational comments! I will tell you, I realize as someone who is struggling with other's impositions against me. That I do not understand! Why do other's issues with me affect me? Their issues aren't mine to bare.
But none the less, I'am trying harder than ever to be A Christian, Christ like. my own Imperfections, I apologize again!!! Please, accept my gesture as an act of humility, even though I at times may struggle to find it with in myself!
Ernie Young de Herrera
All people with Asperger's syndrome are different and even the diagnostic criteria is far from complete particularly in terms of women.
The first time this happened over my saying I would fix something for dinner in the AM and later said I didn't feel up to it. He screamed at me and went out for pizza. He says he cannot trust me anymore. I am making him angry.
I think I have tolerated these and other meltdowns too long.
I really do not feel the same about him as I once did.
Clearly when you didn't understand when I said: Everything proper comes with a logical guide! You know nothing about Euclid! Euclid's, axciums and common notions. Euclid's 1st common notion is this! Thing's which are the same or that equal to the same thing, are equal to each other. This is a rule of mathematical reasoning, it's True!
Like Euclid said: This is self evident! So … I say again … and no! What I said: was not bigoted! Simpleton! to find a female Aspie because I need to be with someone like me is DUH! SELF EVIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thing's which are the same or equal to the same thing's are equal to each other! A rule of mathematical reasoning.
Don't assume please, it's not characteristic of a female Aspie k! Thank you,
I want you to know that each Aspie is different! No two are completely the same in who they are and where they are nuerologically.
Now if never diagnosed. Your brother in law is not known as to what criteria, or diagnosis would fit his behavioural traits. Therefore being considered undiagnosed and unknown.
Please, be encouraged to research the curiosty you have. One way to start would be finding books online or paper back. Online has a much broader and more detailed scope of the very specific traits and diagnosis of (AS) Asperger's Syndrome. (HFA) A Higher Functioning Autism. Vanessa there are many spectrum's of Autism. (AS) being the most High Functioning. Iam an Aspie! I like my Aspie kind are not [NT] which defines to Aspies, those who arent Autistic, and who understand the public society of today! There is nuerologically, no understanding to us... the way this very distraut and unorganized world works. as Aspies male and female, EVERYTHING haS to be literal and A matter of fact. Just to give you insight!
Vanessa ask Professional's in the field study of Autism, Dr.'s, psychiatrists. The scope of an affirmed confirmation is very fine. Fine line is criterialy adimit in discovery of true diagnosis whether Autistic, or not!
I hope all is well in your journey, if you so choose to make it one.
I appreciate your thought's, Ernie Cc. Young de Herrera V.D.V
I know hes like a scared child inside. Ive met this side whenhes exausted after a huge meltdown. But every other day he is critical of everything i do. Controlling,demoralizing...hes called me every nasty mame i can think. Some times i think he has turrets.
Seriously tho. He thought he didnt need meds. But it is progressing to threats of damaging property. Hurting my dog. Trying to keep me away from friends and family. I just dont think the ends justify the means.
But i promised him i would never give up.
Non-talking aspie.
I am presently ready to commit suicide because social services and my family both feel unwilling or unable to provide me with any assistance, and my executive and emotional issues make me unable to manage the complex and confrontational process necessary to even have a chance of getting services. It is virtually impossible to find anyone willing or able to offer assistance, psychiatric hospitals and Vocational Rehabilitation proved of NO USE WHATSOEVER. Right now my options seem to be homelessness and suicide, therapy and psychiatric medications are having a negative effect if any.
You only get one shot at life and that's it (depending on your religious views).
Even if you do believe in a "glorious afterlife", many religions make it clear that suicide does not result in you going to a good place.
Suicides fail quite frequently and can leave you in a much worse state than before - effectively rendering another attempt impossible while ensuring that your quality of life decreases significantly.
In short, suicide is not the answer. It never is.
I'm not sure where you reside but there has to be some kind of support that you're eligible for. You'll also need to put in a lot of effort yourself.
If you're feeling really suicidal, please contact your local telephone support services. They can help.
I had to read 3/4 the way through all these posts to even figure out WHO everyone was talking about. But I'll tell u this.....aspergers means no emotions....and instead, their partners can get driven to a meltdown just trying to get some cooperative behavior from them...or some responsiveness. And I know I can "just leave" cause we are not married. Trouble is he will have no other caretaker so I am stuck here. And after having searched for years for any kind of caretaker support, I have given up. There is none. There is also apparently no "therapy" for aspie adults. They are here to try our souls, and I for one am hanging by a fraying thread for the trying.
But thanks to all of you, I have calmed myself down...which will make it easier to deal with him. I'm just not equipped to deal with this and try to keep a job too. He needs help--and I need help dealing with him. What in the world can I do????
The problem now is he appears to not want to accept the label. He see it as an "excuse" for the bad behavior. Also, he doesn't want to think of himself as being mentally handicapped. It made things better for me, to some degree, because I had another explanation for him being a total "jerk". But now...his abuse is getting worse actually. He is starting to resent me, everytime I try to help him, and say, don't beat yourself up, its Aspergers, not you. Well, as is typical with this disorder, it is always my fault if he starts having a meltdown. I simply cannot live with the demeaning verbal abuse. I am a patient person, but even I have my breaking point.
He pretty much refuses to remove himself, even when I realize it is coming, and ask him to go somewhere, so it doesn't escalate. I believe he is so miserable, that he wants to get it out so bad, that although he doesn't WANT to hurt me, he cannot help getting some relief. I love him very much, but he is 52, and I don't see much hope of him trying to change. I have tried encouraging him, fighting back, being his verbal punching bag is getting very old.
I realize there is probably nothing but heartache ahead if I stay, but somehow I keep hoping he will at least learn he MUST remove himself from me. And yes, I know I could be the one to remove myself, but then, I have to come back, don't I? His meltdowns are very violent. He pretty much begs, entices, and pushes my buttons so he can blow his top. Even as I am writing this, I am making myself ill by listening to myself complain.
I am just wanting someone...somewhere...to tell me they HAVE found a way to make a relationship work. He has now started resenting me a lot. He is pulling away, although I know he really doesn't want to lose me, yet I think he believes it's just a matter of time anyway, and also, the messy reality of now knowing he will always be like this, he is starting to say things like "you need to leave me...I am a terrible person...yet, with the same breath, he begins saying I am even worse than he is. He is going to hell, but I am the devil. I believe he must bring me down to his level, in order for him to rationalize us being together. He is right...I am too good for him, but now because of the things he thinks, like beauty, talent, intelligence, charisma...I am better because I fight to get better and improve, and he just wants to do what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants, with no interference my me, or any one else for that matter.
I'm not even sure any of this is making sense anymore. I now wish I had not moved in with him so soon. And not because he has Aspergers, but more because he doesn't want to try to learn ways to deal and live with it WITHOUT beating me up.
Like I said, is there any hope, and if so, what do I do. I don't want to give up, yet at some level, I almost feel like he is so miserable being in a relationship with someone he thinks deserves better, he would almost rather deal with the sadness and regret of losing me, than to have to fight and battle to learn how to control or manage his aspergers. He threatened tonight to burn his house down, and shoot his brains out, if I left. Yet with the same breath almost, he says I am driving him insane, and I am nothing but torture for him. Does anyone have any advice?
I DON'T DESERVE TO ACHIEVE EVEN 1% OF MY POTENTIAL BECAUSE I HAVE
AUTISM. I DON'T DESERVE FRIENDSHIP OR COMPANY BECAUSE I'M AUTISTIC. NO
MATTER HOW HARD I WORK AND PUSH MYSELF I GET NOWHERE. I HAVE SUCH HIGH
STANDARDS BECAUSE THAT'S WHO I AM I WILL ALWAYS GIVE 110% TO ANYTHING
I TAKE ON. IT DOESN'T MATTER ONLY LAZY PEOPLE GET AHEAD IN NZ WHO
MAYBE GIVE 30%. HANDWORK DEDICATION EFFORT ARE NOT VALUED IN THIS
GODFORSAKEN COUNTRY. ITS SPAT ON. THE HARDER I TRY THE DEEPER I SINK
INTO THE SOCIAL-DETRITUS. NEVER OWN A HOUSE. NEVER GO ON AN OVERSEAS
HOLIDAY. NEVER DO ANYTHING. SCRAPE TILL I DIE IN RAGS IN A HALFWAY
HOUSE SOMEWHERE. OF COURSE I WOULD CHOOSE SUICIDE OVER THAT. HAVING TO
LIVE EVERYDAY WITH THAT ENORMOUS SENSE OF FAILURE THE PRESSURE TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT IT CRUSHING THE LIFE LESS LESS HOPE NO FIGHT NO FIGHT
CANT BREATH. I TREATED LIKE SOCIAL-SCUM BECAUSE THATS HOW THIS COUNTRY
HAS TREATED ME. JUSDGE ME I FIGHT I SUFFER I FIGHT I SUFFER. PRESSING
DOWN. SPIRIT BROKEN. WHO AM I??. WHOS LIFE AM I LIVING??.
I'm deteriorating fast. Lost my only contacts with the outside world [you, mum]. No one cares that I'm on the brink of taking action that
will terminate my life. I don't want to die but I can't go on living
like this. A little bit of kindness, hope & opportunity could have
saved me, I'm not asking for much, it didn't need to end like this.
I've just been locked into this narrow empty hopeless world by society
because of being on the autistic spectrum and developing depression,
anxiety, extreme low self-esteem and self-hatred etc. I've been
totally rejected and written off and left to rot in this hopeless
empty hell, totally alone, with only my soul destroying robotic job
for company. Nothing. Loosing my mind more and more everyday from the
hopelessness of this situation. I've becoming a zombie, fighting to
take care of the life sustaining routines [that's all I have the
strength to do now: feed myself and sleep]. I didn't imagine coming
into this world that a life could become so empty, hopeless & utterly
pointless. My deepest regret now in hindsight, is not taking my life
at sixteen, instead of struggling on for another 20 years, just to end
up like this. I can't believe now that I ever believed that things
could get better for me; that people would ever treat me any
differently or that I'd ever be able to do or achieve anything in this
life. Getting the job at Pac N' Save was a big turning point for me,
and dramatically demonstrated to me, how utterly hopeless my situation
is, and how little progress I've been able to make, in the important
areas that are holding me back in 20 years. Instead I seem to have
deteriorated. My will and belief in creating a better future for
myself has been utterly smothered. Instead of moving my life forward
I've gone backwards. I'm in the worst condition of my life socially,
psychologically & intellectually. I shouldn't be surprised given the
life that I've lived that I've ended up mad.No human being can endure
what I have, my inner-and outer struggle, indefinitely and not have
their psyche cave in and collapse. I'm buried under the rubble of my
collapsed mind. I can't see or breath.
R
You need to get some social services involved because your partner's son has some serious depression issues.
If left unchecked these could become life threatening to him - or to people around him.
Depression is serious business and while many people act this way for attention, it's clear that in this case, the person has serious issues.
He would benefit from making contact with other people on the autism spectrum, WrongPlanet.net is a good starting point as a forum but there should also be some local groups he can talk to.
Here are some local Autism NZ Support Groups
http://www.autismnz.org.nz/local_branches/auckland/autism_nz_auckland_supportsocial_groups
Thanks for yr advice. Problem is he won’t see anyone, thinks they all got their degrees from a cereal packet etc. He rang on the weekend and his mother handed the phone to me and it was the first time I realized what she has put up with. He was totally out of control, raving, screaming, swearing, threatening etc. Hung up once then he said he was coming around (lives round the corner). We rang the police but he arrived first and I had to bite my tongue rather than trigger him. Police took him away to a mental health unit but they could not hold him so we got a taxi to take him home. This is a game changer as I am now involved and have been replying to his emails with selective responses to various statements he makes, hoping that a down to earth, logical, reasonable approach may help after other things have been tried, (incl. trying to expel possible evil spirit). He warned me not to come between him and his mum but I will protect her from this and may have to get a restraining order out. He has calmed down a bit now, says he is off to his doctor and if he says to go back for the psychiatrist appointment (which he flatly turned down) he would. I think it’s more lies and over the next few days will email him not to contact us again until he takes treatment and changes his attitude. The lady at mental health said he has a long history of not engaging with them and while we were all sitting there on Sunday he was a picture of an explosive volcano just holding it down because he has such a vehement disrespect for her and her profession. We are hoping it’s not the usual case where he has to commit serious violence before he’s forced to take treatment. He’s bigger than me and in the state I saw him probably has the strength of 3 so am wondering what type of weapons I can have at my disposal.
From your description of the meltdown, this is clearly more than just Aspergers. There is almost certainly another mental issue at work here.
You need to talk to authorities away from the situation (ie: not in the middle or the aftermath of one) and determine what needs to happen in order for him to receive proper care.
There must be some conditions under which he can be required to attend help sessions.
That said, the meltdown triggers are typically unintentional on his part, but my reasoning and logic as it is influenced by my AS tends to create problems where, in reality, there are none. After I have reached that point, I become so emotionally overstimulated, that I can no longer reason, and I tend to cry or lash out verbally, though I have never become abusive in any sense.
After a meltdown, I am able to look back on things that he has said to try and defuse the situation, but at the time it occurs, I am unable to process his explanations or any information that might "negate" the meltdown. Oftentimes, it is the way that something is worded, or how I interpret it (thanks to the literalism of AS,) that triggers an over emotional response, and thus the meltdown.
Not all AS individuals become abusive or physically violent with a meltdown. I do have my "down" times, and my fiance has recognized this and also does all he can to support and help me through them as well. For those who are upset that their spouse or significant other isn't understanding about the issues, I highly suggest involving them in your therapy or having them see a counselor with you, so that you can work together on your issues, and they can learn to have a better view of how you see the world, in addition to how they see it. It has taken my fiance and I the better part of our time together to come to an understanding about how I process things versus how he does, and how we can approach these subjects together and work together to minimize my issues from the AS when it comes to our relationship. Having someone willing to work with you, instead of expecting you to do it all by yourself, can make a world of difference.
If it isn't, then perhaps it's not a good place for you to work (ie: too stressful). You need to work on identifying your triggers and your discomforts.
If your trigger is a person, you might want to request a transfer to a branch or position away from the problem individual. Don't use that as your reason for a transfer though.