Why do Aspies Suddenly Back Off in Relationships (Part 2)

In part one, we looked at the role that Change Resistance plays in causing aspies to suddenly go "cold" in otherwise good relationships. This time, I want to look at self esteem and depression;

Self Esteem

The aspie relationship with themselves is tedious at best. People with Asperger's commonly suffer from low self esteem. As discussed in earlier posts, this low self esteem often results from years of emotional turmoil resulting from their poor social skills.

Aspies are often their own worst enemy. They can over analyze situations and responses in an effort to capture lost nonverbal communication. This often causes them to invent problems and to imagine replies. Everything made up by aspies will tend to be tainted with their own self image.

This is one of reasons that people with Asperger's will sometimes decide that they are not good enough for their partner and that they must let them go. Sometimes, the aspie will develop a notion of chivalry or self-sacrifice and will feel like they need to push their partner away for their own good despite the fact that they personally don't wish to give up the relationship.

Sometimes the aspie feels that they do not deserve the good luck that the relationship is bringing them. Sometimes they feel as if they need to punish themselves.

Several times during the courtship of my (now) wife, I experienced this problem. I had a plan to go to university and I knew that I couldn't spare the time to be with her. I mistakenly assumed that she would not tolerate this separation and kept putting the brakes on our relationship without providing any explanations. Eventually, she did leave me and although I was extremely upset, I figured that I deserved it.

I guess that I was ready to accept that she would find someone else provided that they lived up to my (impossibly high) standards. Discovering that the new man was not treating her as well as I would have was enough to galvanize me into action and I won her back. Self esteem issues can sometimes be conquered simply by realising that you are just as capable as others.

Depression

Going hand in hand with the self esteem issues is depression. Most aspies seem to suffer from depression in one form or another. In fact often they suffer from almost bi-polar emotions, swinging from extreme happiness extreme depression with very little in between. If a new relationship is formed during a period of extreme happiness, the partner will often mistake the depression phase for waning interest.

Depression can also be self-destructive. The aspie may terminate their relationship as a way of punishing themselves or they may begin to self-harm in other ways. Sometimes, it's not the depression but the depression medication itself which is responsible for the strain on the relationship. Sometimes too, it's other medications as many drugs which treat psychological conditions which commonly occur alongside aspergers, have depression as a side-effect.

Fixing the Problems

There's not really a great deal that can be done by the partner in relationships which are affected by self esteem and depression issues. Self-esteem issues can only be resolved with long term therapy. It doesn't have to be with a professional, it can be done as part of the relationship provided that the other partner is patient and considerate enough to do the hard work.

Therapy may also work in cases of depression but sometimes the depression is integral to the aspie condition and no matter how often you ease the aspie through the depression phase and into a happier place, the depression will always return.

Sometimes it's better to simply accept rather than to try and change or to "fix" your aspie. Sometimes, it's the aspie who needs to learn to accept themselves.

Next Time

Next time I'll look at people who just don't know what to do or how to behave in relationships.

Article: A New Novel "600 hours of Edward" by Craig Lancaster

It seems only a few years ago that the word "Aspergers" was virtually unknown outside of universities, schools and special education classrooms.

These days though, we seem to have aspie characters on primetime TV and in movies. In fact, recently we've started to see a movies like "Adam" and "Mary and Max" which are completely centred around their aspie characters.

I'm pleased to announce that Craig Lancaster's new novel "600 hours of Edward", released today is another such work and one that I'm particularly looking forward to because after all, there's only so much you can do in a film or TV series. Novels can get right inside the character's head.

Craig has released an article on the development of his aspie character, Edward along with an excerpt from his book.

The web site states that everyone who leaves a comment before November 6, 2009 will go into the draw to win a copy of the book, so please visit the site, read and comment.

600 Hours of Edward

by Craig Lancaster

Riverbend Publishing

http://www.forthesakeofjoy.com/600-hours-of-edward/

oh and btw, you can also obtain and preview the book at Amazon.

Why Do Aspies Suddenly Back-Off in Relationships? (Part 1)

One of the most frequent questions I'm asked is why an aspie (or suspected aspie) suddenly goes "cold" and backs off on an otherwise good relationship.

It's a difficult question and the answers would vary considerably from one person to another and would depend greatly on the circumstances. Nevertheless, I'll try to point out some possibilities.

Negative Reasons

I generally like to stay positive on this blog and assume that people are not necessarily "evil" but simply misguided. Unfortunately, I do have to acknowledge that there are some people out there who take advantage of others.

I read a book a few years ago on "sociopaths in the workplace" and I was stunned by the figures. They suggested that sociopaths were so common that most workplaces (small business) had at least one or two.

The fact is that there are lots of people out there who really feel very little for others and who are very manipulative. I'd like to say that aspies aren't like this but I'm sure there are a few.

One of the problems is that sociopaths and aspies can present similarly on the surface. There's not a huge amount of immediately visible difference between "lack of emotional connection" versus "inability to convey emotion". Similarly, manipulative behaviour can often come across as simply "needy".

Since the aspergers diagnosis is based on purely subjective criteria, it's not unlikely that in some cases, sociopaths may be misdiagnosed as aspies.

You have been warned.

Now let's move onto more genuine and solvable reasons.

Change Resistance

This is one of the biggest reasons. The aspie detects an approaching change in the relationship; perhaps you're talking about moving in, having children or maybe you're simply becoming assertive about routines; tea times, household chores or furniture placement.

Whatever the reason, the aspie change resistance kicks in. As we know, aspies are not the world's best communicators and half of the time they'll be completely unaware that the problem is change resistance. To them, they're just unable to cope with the TV being moved to the opposite side of the room. They don't know why they don't like it but they can think of lots of fancy excuses. The aspie may find it easier to go quiet and say nothing than to speak their mind.

The NT side of the relationship will often take this "quietness" to indicate grudging acceptance and may exacerbate the situation by repeating it (for instance, moving more furniture). By the time the "quietness" is really noticed as a problem, it's often too late and the aspie has gone "cold" on the relationship.

NTs can assist with change resistance problems by becoming aware of unusual "quietness" in their partner and encouraging discussion. Aspies can help by making more efforts to communicate, even if it means resorting to written forms.

Next Time

Next time I want to look at the role that Depression and Self Doubt plays in causing aspies to back off on relationships.

Book: The Perfect Gift for a Man (Released Today!)

Ok, I'll admit up front that this post is a shameless plug but it's for a good cause.

The Book

Long-time readers of this blog may recall that recently, a group of Australian bloggers, myself included, participated in a "man-week" exercise designed to heighten awareness and acceptability of emotions in men.

The man-week initiative resulted in a book containing 30 stories by Australian men, myself included. Some of the material was on various blogs during man-week and some is new.

You can visit the web site for the book at;

http://www.theperfectgiftforaman.com.au/

The book is available for purchase as softcover or ebook and all proceeds from the book are going to the Inspire Foundation in an effort to reduce the suicide rates among men.

Men and Emotions

Men in our society, and particularly men in Australia are often raised to be the "rock of the family" and our emotions are supressed at an early age.

I can remember being quite young and having been hurt quite badly...

my father was working on his boat trailer lights and asked me to hold some wires for him - they were the wrong wires and I got scorch marks on my hand.

...My father's initial reaction was to tell me that "boys don't cry - only sissies and girls cry".

It's not his fault, that's how he was raised - and it was how I was raised. It's my hope that I can avoid perpetuating the myth of the unemotional male in our family. I'm encouraging my children to love, to laugh, to play and to cry.

Aspie Men and Emotions

The emotional problems that men face are compounded by aspergers diagnosis. Not a day goes by when I don't read some article online which suggests that aspies are "unemotional". In truth, aspies are a turmoil of emotions and the fact that they lack the expression to get these out only adds to the stress. Add this to a society where male emotions are actively discouraged and it's little wonder the suicide rate is so high.

A Personal Note

As I write this, my thoughts can't help but turn once again to fellow aspie blogger, Zach Lassiter, who right now is in a very dark place, and has been for several weeks. His web site and twitter still contain what were intended to be his final posts and other than knowing that he was hospitalised, I've no idea of his current status.

Zach, my hopes and prayers are with you.

How can a positive diagnosis of Asperger's help an already established adult?

There's no question about it, the majority of Asperger's diagnosis' handed out today go to children. It is also pretty clear that the diagnosis provides access to a lot of ongoing early intervention and is the most successful way of dealing with the problems condition poses.

Some time ago I asked whether or not it made sense to label our children. Although the answers were far from unanimous, the majority seemed to support the label. This was because in most cases, a diagnosis provided obvious benefits.

It's a fairly simple question when aimed at children but it becomes a very different question when aimed at adults. It's difficult to tell whether or not a diagnosis can be useful for an adult who has already become well-established in the world, though not necessarily successful.

A Lack of Obvious Benefits

For a start, the obvious benefits just aren't there. There generally aren't any government handouts for adults with aspergers and revealing your condition to a prospective employer is more likely to hinder rather than help, your chances of success.

In fact, there is an abundance of stories about people who have lost their jobs because of aspergers though many of these relate to the symptoms themselves, rather than individuals "coming out of the closet".

Of course, bringing up the subject of aspergers after you've been berated by your boss for your poor social skills probably does seem like an excuse. It does make sense that some employers would take this the wrong way and terminate ones employment. This is similar to bringing up the subject after you've been accused of a capital crime (see: Martin Bryant or Gary McKinnon).

Cost

The other major factor in not getting diagnosed as an adult is cost. It just doesn't make sense to spend a lot of money on a label which isn't necessarily going to provide you with any material benefits. The high cost is probably the main reason for the huge number of "self-diagnosed" aspies out there.

Depression

Some people just can't handle labels and it's hardly surprising that one of the first reactions that people have to a diagnosis is depression. I can remember my own depression at the time as a sinking feeling that I wasn't as "unique" as I'd always believed. Instead of being a product of "my internal self", many of my creative and intellectual pursuits were driven by a "syndrome". I was fortunate to be able to move on from my depression easily - after all, I reasoned, it was only a label. I'd been myself before the label. I would be "myself" again afterwards.

Other people however don't have it quite so easy. For them, it's about a genetic weakness or about passing their problems onto their children. People who had difficult childhoods are especially prone to this sort of depression because they feel that it's their fault that history will repeat for their children. In reality of course, it's often more likely to be environmental factors which have the greatest impact on the happiness of children. Provide a happy and supportive home and most children will find happiness regardless of other conditions.

Benefits?

Of course, there are benefits to having a diagnosis, but they're much less tangible. For a start, when you discover that you have aspergers, the diagnosis casts your entire life in a different light. You begin to understand why you never felt like you fitted in. You understand the reasons for your depression, your failed social experiences and your obsessions.

I'm not saying that you can change, in fact, I'm suggesting the opposite. You can however more easily accommodate your weaknesses because in accepting them (and yourself), you can stop living in the shadow of your past "mistakes" and move on.

In my case, I was able to accept that there were very good reasons why I hated social events and I stopped "forcing myself to attend". Sure, I'll still go to some social events but these days I don't feel quite so obligated. There's a reason why I'm not good at them and no amount of practice is going to make that reason disappear entirely.

I've accepted myself the way I am and I feel much better for doing so.

News: Stunning Examples of Autistic Child Abuse

In the news today is an article with some of the worst examples of autistic child abuse I've ever heard of.

Special Education Teachers in Trouble for Autistic Student Abuse

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2272291/special_education_teachers_in_trouble.html

Now I know that there are worse things being done to autistic children (see Observations and Findings of Out-of-State Program Visitation Judge Rotenberg Educational Center) but the difference is that it's fairly obvious what the programme at the JRE is. The abuse reported today was being committed by trusted special education teachers.

If you put your child into a center like JRE, you will (hopefully) have checked the place out and have made a conscious decision to treat the child in that manner. I'm not saying that it's a good thing - far from it - but parents who institutionalise their children should have very good reasons and more importantly, they should feel responsible for supervising their child's treatment.

In the case of the mainstreamed child however, it's more a case of "fire and forget". Parents help their children get ready for school, pack their bags and send them off. For the most part, those children are then out-of-sight, out-of-mind until school finishes.

We trust that the school system will look after our child. Sure, we are responsible for checking the school out but other than that, we can't be responsible for the mood swings or psychopathic tendencies of its staff. Ultimately, we have to trust the school and this kind of trust is akin to the trust placed in doctors, priests and lawyers(?).

From a parent's point of view, it raises some concerns about who you can trust. I'd love to know if the parents had any suspicion that things were going wrong - I suspect not - at least, not in the first two cases. In the third case, the teacher was a repeat offender.

What can we, as parents do?

This is the big question. Obviously we can't go around placing suspicion on every teacher. We have to learn to let go and trust our educators - otherwise we become helicopter parents. Being a helicopter parent isn't just about social perception - it's also harmful to the child, if not academically, then at least socially.

How much contact with the school is too much? How much is too little?

I don't think that there's any sensible benchmark, it would vary from child to child, teacher to teacher and incident to incident. It makes sense to suggest that more time needs to be spent in communication with the teacher in the first term than in the later ones but beyond that, we need to be guided by our (generally uncommunicative) children's feelings and actions.

The Introductory Letter

Here's a method of contact that I'm quite keen on, although I've not been as diligent in the past with my own children as I should have been...

At the start of the school year, write an introductory letter to your child's teacher telling them all about your child, his strengths and weaknesses, both social and educational. Make sure that you include contact information for yourself and your partner and offer your assistance.

Tell the teacher that given reasonable notice, you're happy to be included on excursions with your child.

Even better, consider putting the letter, or a copy of it, permanently in your child's homework diary. Of course, if your child is a teenager, you might have to ask your child for permission.

Book Review: Raising a Left-Brain Child in a Right-Brain World

I'd always intended to do some book reviews on "Life with Aspergers" and since I was sent the following book to review, it seems a good place to start.

Raising a Left-Brain Child in a Right-Brain World

Strategies for Helping Bright, Quirky, Socially Awkward Children to Thrive at Home and at School.

by Katharine Beals PhD.

Initial Response

On the face of it, the title of this book would probably not engage my interest - which is unfortunate because it's a really fascinating book. The title isn't wrong either, the book really is about "Left-Brained Children"; it's just that you need a bit more explanation before you read the title.

The Left Brained Child

Katharine Beals has used the label "Left-Brained" in place of other more judgemental labels. She describes the left brained child as the sort of child to whom mathematics comes easy and group work does not. Her definition is quite encompassing but if I have any issues with the book, they're simply that the definition she uses isn't wide enough. In my opinion, the book is just as relevant to children with "left brained" characteristics but better English/History skills than mathematics. Similarly, much of the book is relevant to children who have aspergers but who also have learning difficulties which prevent them from becoming "math wizzes".

What is the Book About?

The book describes three types of "left-brained" children;

• The Unsocial Child
• The Analytic Child
• The Mildly Autistic Child (Aspergers, HFA, PDD-NOS)

There are similarities between all three types of children and you may find, as I did, that things relevant to your child appear in all three sections.

What makes this book fascinating is that instead of providing an overall view of the child like most similar books, it concentrates on the changing school environment and its effects on these children.

It helps that Katharine is both an educator and a mother because her discussions don't stop at the school, they also include socialisation with school children outside of school (playdates), homework and learning at home.

The Changing School

It's strange but I had actually noticed many of the school changes that Katharine talks about. It's just that I'd never considered them together and I hadn't really given much thought as to how they were affecting my children. After reading this book, I've got a lot of questions that I want to ask at our next school meeting - and quite a few changes I'll be suggesting at our next IEP.

The book covers the effects of some radical and "right-brained" changes to the school curriculum many of which have probably already been implemented at your children's schools without your knowledge.

These include reform math, which places greater emphasis on creative and group solutions to problems than on mathematics itself. Examples include exercises such as "measuring the playground" and questions such as "What is your favourite number and why?".

The book covers changes to several other disciplines, including science, writing, foreign language and literature. These changes are all quite frightening and I've recognised a few of the projects cited as things my own children have brought home.

Readability and Practicality

Textbooks are not novels, we don't read them simply for enjoyment. We want to be able to get something out of them. To do this, they need to offer real life examples and good advice.

Interspersed throughout "Raising a Left-Brain Child in a Right-Brain World", are snapshots of our children's world. Some are through the eyes of these children but most are from a parent's point of view. These are offered, usually at the beginnings of chapters, without any initial interpretation. The interpretation is provided when the incidents are referred to in later parts of the chapter. I really liked this approach. It gave me an opportunity to formulate my own ideas as a parent before explaining the real situation. In many ways, this is exactly the "gap" that parents experience between what they see and what their children feel.

Even better, each section concludes with a number of detailed suggestions for working around the problem. They range from the obvious and drastic; "change schools" including what to look for in a new school, to suggestions for inclusion in the IEP, extracurricular activities and even ways of dealing with your child's lecturing or argumentive streaks at home and with friends.

This book was really very interesting and relevant and I urge you to look beyond the title. If you have children, particularly in the early years of primary/elementary school, then this book may be essential reading.

You can read through Katharine Beals' introduction on Amazon. This will give you a better feel for her criteria for "left-brained children.