Life with Aspergers

In My World Written by Jillian Ma Illustrated by Mimi Chao Published by Future Horizons, 2017 In my world is children's picture book that carries a very touching message for adult readers. Each page contains only a single sentence and a beautiful illustration and it's easy reading for the early readers. The words are simple and they rhyme, which makes this a perfect storybook.  The general format of the book is that there's a little boy who keeps saying "In my world, I can ...." and following this up with claims which at first seem a little outrageous, particularly if you take the fantasy elements (dinosaurs and dragons) of the illustrations into account. The text however is well grounded so that even when the picture shows the boy with his friend riding a dinosaur, the text simply says that he can "adventure with his friend".  It's all very achievable and clever stuff. ...or is it? Most of us take these things for granted, playin...

One of the more interesting realisations I've reached in the last couple of years is that negative emotions, such as depression are actually transferable feelings. If you spend a lot of time with very depressed people, watch a lot of depressing news stories, or read a lot of depressing attention-seeking posts on Facebook, you'll eventually start feeling depressed yourself. It's subtle because the spread of negativity occurs slowly over time but it's there and the changes in you can be detected by neutral people around you -- especially if they’ve not had a lot of recent contact. Unfortunately for you, being on the “inside” means that you’re probably going to be the last person to realise. This is really important for us, as carers and parents of children with differences and/or as people with differences ourselves. It's a great thing to be empathetic but we have to remember to protect ourselves too. You’re not going to be as much use to those under your car...

Empathy is often the worst and hardest part of any relationship with a person with Asperger's syndrome. You might feel that your partner lacks empathy entirely but if you could see inside their mind, you might be surprised to find that they are far more emotional than you are.  Obviously this isn't the case for everyone as we are all individuals but quite often people who display very little empathy are actually full of emotion.   So why then, is it so difficult for people with Asperger's sympathy to "show a little empathy"? There are three major problems relating to empathy that can really cause problems for people with Asperger's syndrome;    Identifying Your Emotional State   People with Asperger's syndrome have a huge amount of trouble determining your emotional state if you don't tell them specifically how you feel.  If you're crying, then most likely you're sad.  If you have a "sad face" on but no actual tears, then who...

Well, it's December again and there's bound to be a lot of gifts and socialising, so it seems appropriate to talk about Aspergers and inappropriate gifts and comments... A lot of people think that those with Asperger's syndrome are insensitive when it comes to gifts. In truth, I think we're actually trying too hard. One of the things that is drummed into our heads from the time we first start giving and receiving gifts is that "it's the thought that counts".  Consequently, I try very hard when writing cards or choosing gifts, to put a whole lot of thought and personalisation into them. I consider giving soap or other "non-specific" items to be a failure on my part. It means that I haven't put adequate thought into the gift. Sadly, I think that while lots of people appreciate this level of thought, I end up offending many more people than I would if I just handed over a novelty soap. Have a look at this clip from the Big Bang Theo...

Following on from my previous post on teaching empathy, my wife had taught me to help, without being asked when a person with a pram obviously needed help. I was able to generalise this to helping people who clearly need help in all kinds of situations.   It took me years but I consider myself mostly reformed in that area now and I'll help people who stumble, who get wheelchairs stuck or who can't reach items on the top shelf of the supermarket. All without being asked.  I've even reached the point where I can anticipate a problem and will watch an unsteady person, or a toddler near a road in case they suddenly need intervention.  My wife did a very good job of reforming me in that regard. Unfortunately, even though I widened the scope of the "help" intervention considerably, it doesn't automatically put me into a good empathetic state. There are still so many situations to learn about and each time I manage to choose the wrong option. It's simply...

Normally, I don't post correspondence here as I like to keep those things private and individual but I recently got an email from a parent who was concerned about a number of traits her son was showing.  I've replied to her questions in prose and as I was reading it back I thought it might be a useful thing to post, so... all identifying information removed and lots of extra links added, here it is. Eye Contact Inconsistent eye contact is generally a sign of "gaze avoidance" - ie: lack of eye contact. Darting ones eyes around the room during a conversation is a great avoidance tactic as it gives a person a break from being totally focused on the speaker - something which is quite painful at times. Some children with autism give good eye contact but most do not.  You might want to encourage your son to look at mouths instead as this keeps his head pointing in the right direction and reduces eye-darting without making uncomfortable eye contact. If he do...

I grew up in a household where we were encouraged to keep ourselves to ourselves. If someone asked for help and we could give it, then we would - except if that help was deemed "too much work" or if that person was considered a "crazy person".  We would never offer help though - not without being asked because it was the job of the "helpless" to ask for support. "Crazy people" were drunks, "druggies" and older, senile people. We never helped them unless we were cornered into it - and even then, the help that was given was only ever a means of escape.  These days of course, I recognize that these are terrible and callous attitudes to have but suppose I hadn't been taught that. Would I be the same today? I remember my mother picking up an old woman in the car. She made it clear to us before picking the woman up that she was a "mad woman" and my sister and I sat in the back seat fearing for our lives.  We later asked h...

I just wanted to spend a few minutes discussing the Autism Devotion project and highlighting some of the fantastic posts we've had so far; The aims of the project To highlight concrete examples of situations where people with Autism, including Aspergers syndrome, have demonstrated emotion or empathy with particular focus on situations in which those emotions may not have been recognised. It is hoped that parents, siblings, family, friends and co-workers of people on the autism spectrum will be able to use some of these examples to better understand the emotional communication that is taking place in their everyday lives. The Posts so far Please have a look at these amazing posts, leave comments, like, Google+, tweet and share around. We want to reach as many people as possible.  Also; if I've missed anyone, please let me know. On "This is not what I signed up for" Autism Devotion: Helping On "Unstrange Mind" Autism Devotion: Adult Advocat...

Hi and welcome to a new year.  This post marks the start of what will hopefully be an ongoing series showcasing the ways in which people with Autism express love and devotion.   Although they often write the words on cards, my children don't often directly tell my wife that they love her - at least, not without a lot of prompting or not without having some tempting candy either on offer or recently delivered.  They do love her though.  It's just sometimes a little hard to read the signs. "Come downstairs", she will often call, to silence.  Dragging them away from a video game is almost impossible - especially if it involves work of any kind.  It's one of the reasons that I always include the reason as part of my calls;  "Come downstairs, dinner is ready!" for example.  Of course, I have very little chance of getting the boys downstairs for anything that isn't to their advantage. I was sitting upstairs yesterday when my wife accidentally t...

Long time readers of this blog will know that it's a myth that people with Asperger's syndrome can't empathize and that if a situation is explained to them, they can certainly feel emotion and put themselves "into the shoes of another". The question is, can a person with Asperger's learn to empathize automatically and without the need for explanation. Empathy is a tricky thing to define but one thing is for sure; it isn't about feeling sorry for someone. It's about either feeling as they do, understanding how they feel or having a reciprocal feeling. Some of the biggest challenges for people with Asperger's syndrome lie around the interpretation of gestures, tone and expression in both directions, sending and receiving. Gestures, tone and expression are the primary means of communicating the human emotional state with talking and writing being used far less.  In fact, quite often spoken expression confusingly communicates the exact opposite of...

This is the start of a series of articles on how to show your non-aspie partner "appreciation".  It follows on from my article; Working on Your Asperger-Neurotypical Relationship Part 2: Appreciation .  You won't find information on living with an Aspergers partner here because this particular series is aimed at teaching aspies to become better and more appreciative of their neurotypical partners.  My point of view here will be from the aspie male in a relationship with a neurotypical female. After all, it's the only one I can speak about from experience. If anyone has any insight into the way in which the needs of neurotypical males differ from aspie males, then please feel free to note them in the comments. If you've been dating your current partner since you were young, you might think that she doesn't care for flowers. Certainly, that was the case in my situation. The Past As a "first girlfriend", my now wife never expressed any interest ...

Yes, it's another "empathy post". I'm sorry if you're getting sick of them. I'll be on a different topic soon. Today I just wanted to say a few words about the perception of empathy.  Right now, my mother is in hospital. Her hospitalisation was sudden and unexpected but she is ok. I've checked. I've received an email from my father and my wife rang him later during the day. I'm happily convinced that everything is fine and that for the immediate future her main priority should be rest.  She lives too far away for a "quick visit" and I haven't contacted her directly yet. Unless I hear of changes in her condition, I'm best off giving her time to heal.   No doubt once she comes out she'll be annoyed at me for not having gone to panic stations and talked to her directly. The thing is that I can't do anything and chances are that I'll end up calling during her nap time.  Image by valelopardo from Pixabay Does that make m...

In case you haven't noticed, I'd like to draw your attention to an exciting new blog started by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg (of Journeys with Autism ) called Autism and Empathy. I think this blog is going to be a great boon to the empathy debate and it's well worth bookmarking/following. Autism and Empathy http://www.autismandempathy.com/ I was reading a post there today and started a reply which (as is usual for me) got a bit too long. In any case, my fat fingers hit a wrong key and my comment disappeared, so rather that attempt to retype it there, I've decided to expand it and post it here. The post I was responding to is called Possessing But Not Expressing http://www.autismandempathy.com/?p=98 It's written by Miranda (from Inside the Heart ) It might be worth reading before you read my response. --- Miranda talks about how people with autism are often considered to "lack empathy" when what is really lacking is simply the "expected kind of expression...

This last weekend has been a really tough one for our family. We had to have our dog of nearly twelve years, Panda, put down last Saturday. To make matters worse, nobody was expecting it. One day, she was "chirpy" and seemed to be in perfectly good health and the next she was gone. She was in our family for longer than our kids and she has left a huge hole in our family heart. I was going to talk about emotional reciprocity today anyway but last weekend's events have put a whole new spin on things. Dealing with Strong Emotions We all deal with strong emotions, such as love, anger and grief in our own ways. My wife tends to cry things out but I often internalise them and take them on board as stress and at times, self-harmful behaviour. In the kids, these emotions can manifest as meltdowns or as general destructive behaviour. Sometimes there's nothing to see on the surface at all. The point is that although we each feel these emotions and we feel them at similar str...

Returning to University After my first stint at university (see part 1 ) I was very reluctant to return. I had established a comfort zone at work and although I had plenty of ambition, I lacked the drive to uproot myself and go through change again. This is a fairly common theme in the life on an aspie. My mother however was very keen on the idea that a university education is a requirement of modern jobs and much as it pains me to do so, I have to agree. Sure, there are plenty of jobs that you can do without needing to go to university but most of the higher-paying ones require you to have skill with your hands or decent muscles. I had neither. My brain was my best asset and it had failed me miserably on my last attempt. Eventually, I decided that one of the main reasons for my failure was that I had taken on more subjects than I could handle. I had discovered this towards the end of my earlier university venture when I was complaining about being unable to keep up with eight subje...