I apologise for the excessive "male-orientated" viewpoint in this post. I tried to keep it neutral but somehow, it just works better when explained from a male viewpoint.
Here's a phrase that I've seen repeated throughout the comments on this blog on several occasions;
"I know that he won't miss me when I'm gone because he's aspie"
Today, we're going to (try to) bust that myth;
Individuals
I'll start off with a reminder that everyone is an individual. If all aspies were completely alike and predictible, they'd be a stereotype but they're not. Each is shaped by their background, their upbringing, their beliefs and their local customs.
An aspie who grew up with loud abusive parents has a reasonable chance of becoming loud and abusive themselves because in some cases, that's all they know. That's how they think adults are supposed to behave. In other cases, aspies who grew up in those circumstances do a complete about-face and say "I'm not going to be like my parents"
A lot of aspie behaviour comes down to personality and individual choice.
Some aspies choose to be good mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends while others choose to be angry, abusive, controlling or simply aloof and untouchable.
It's not the aspie condition that drives the choice.
Different Types of Expression
It's commonly stated that dogs have owners while cats have staff.
It's believed that dogs are caring creatures because they whine when you leave them and jump around excitedly when you get home. Dogs seem to want to be with you while cats often seem to have specific objectives, like food or a brush, in mind.
Sure, there are some dogs and cats which break the mould. Some dogs obviously prefer their own company while some cats are amazingly sociable. These are exceptions - and the rest are the "stereotypes".
I'm ready for the deluge of complaints from cat owners.
It's not really like that though is it? Cat owners will tell you that their feline friends are just as happy to see them as dogs are. It's just that cats express in a different way.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
NTs are Actors, Aspies are thinkers
Aspies express in different ways too.
Your typical lovestruck neurotypical boyfriend will behave like a dog. He'll call you constantly, he'll buy you flowers, gifts and chocolate. He will come around to your house late at night and yowl like a cat and he'll constantly shower you with words and gestures of affection.
Wow, awesome... you must really be loved...
Except, that these guys are putting on a well rehearsed show. When they get sick of you, they simply move on to the next target and put on the same type of show. It's not unique or individual. It's just the way they show their love. Some are sincere and some are not - but the "show" is always the same.
In contrast, the aspie boyfriend is very much a thinker. To him, everything has its place and he'll try not to monopolise your time. He may be so cautious about hurting your feelings that it feels like the relationship is going nowhere because he doesn't say the words you expect to hear. Sometimes, particularly when you're hammering him with questions, he answers truthfully and discovers that you hate him for it.
Just as there is no correct answer to "do I look fat in this dress?", there is no correct answer to, "do you want to stay just friends or are we more than that?"
Aspie men will often ponder the depth of their love and friendship for hours yet when they come to talk about it, it comes out all garbled and offensive.
I know some aspies who frequently say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - their girlfriends. They don't realise that the truth really can hurt. In one case, I have a friend who is no longer with his girlfriend and yet while I'm sure she's mostly forgotten about him not a day goes by when I can't tell that he's still "burning up". She's been on his mind constantly for years even though she's out of the picture.
If that isn't love, then I don't know what is.
Honour vs Wants
I've told this story before though I'm not sure in how much detail. It's a story which I think gives an understanding of how an aspie can miss and can love someone while still giving the wrong impression. It's my story;
Before I was married, When I was going out with my wife, I started to panic about my priorities. I found that I simply couldn't juggle my work and university committments with a social life.
I tried to go out once per week and I had an all male group of friends who competed for that once per week spot.
My girlfriend was keen for a more frequent relationship. She hassled me for more time and would often ask me where we would be in a certain number of years. I tried to answer honestly, taking into consideration that she would say "in two years" when I was only part-way through a six year degree.
My answers did not impress her and she continued asking them hoping for better answers.
In the end, we broke up.
I couldn't afford the time and I really couldn't concentrate on so many things at once. I could tell that she wanted more and I knew that I wasn't in a position to give it.
I didn't want her to go but I thought I was doing a noble thing by letting her go. I didn't chase her because I thought it wouldn't allow her to leave in a dignified manner. I made a huge personal sacrifice by letting the most important part of my life leave.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
She didn't think so. She didn't appreciate it for the sacrifice that it was. I didn't communicate my pain because I thought that would make it more difficult for her.
Isn't that what the hero always does in movies?
For the next year, I burned inside. I thought of her often but didn't call. I wasn't going to pass my pain on.
When she finally did get in touch with me and told me that she'd found someone else - it hurt. I sat there listening to her telling me how great this person was and how he saw her almost every night - compared to my paltry once-per-week.
I acted happy for her but really I felt sick inside.
Still, I went on being a "hero" for her. I suffered in silence for her.
It was only when she came to me and told me about being mistreated by her boyfriend that I changed. I'd learned that the relationship was a bad one and I no longer had any qualms about breaking it up.
I asked her to go out with me instead.
...and she hesitated...
It really, really tore me up. All that time when I was suffering, I thought that I was doing the best thing for her but as it turned out, I wasn't considered much more highly than the abusive boyfriend.
In fact, I ended up having to compete with that abusive boyfriend for her attention (and fortuantely I won).
In the process, I learned from what she'd told me of his behaviour. I learned how to be the sort of person she wanted.
It was horrid experience but I think it was something I needed to learn.
The way forward for me was to change my life to fit her in and surprisingly - my university grades actually improved. I think that my lonely year of self-pity and suffering had actually done my work more harm than good.
The funny thing is; even today, she's still completely unaware of just how much I missed her.
24 comments:
First of all, there is no "male viewpoint." :-) It just doesn't exist anywhere in the world except crappu TV shows like "Sex and the City."
Second, when you described the typical Aspie boyfriend who says "the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to" their current or former partner, I definitely recognized myself. As a female Aspie, I always have and always will behave just like that. I do realize, of course, that the way society works right now, it is much easier to do those things as an attractive woman than as a man. So I think your post makes several important points.
Good job! Your blog surely does make a difference.
As ever, you hit the nail on the head. I am often told that people don't realise that I care about them, whereas I know inside that I have tremendous love and loyalty to my family and friends. It is so hard to explain this discrepnacy to people who are not autistic, as a lot of people think that it is easy to 'put on an act' of affection.
I sometimes feel as if there is a mental block that stops me doing things that seem false, even when I know that people expect them (and even when it is not false that I can love and miss someone). I think that by false I mean 'not matching up with my emotions at the exact moment that people expect me to say or do something'.
I think you've made a critical point in this post (and you've done it before): It is very difficult to illustrate a general aspie viewpoint. Like NTs, each aspie is unique. While many of us share tendencies, these tendencies are filtered through our own individual experiences.
I can relate well to your example of dating your future wife. When my future wife (Della) and I were dating, she was often a bit peeved at my devotion to my grandparents. If we had a date planned and my grandmother called to say she needed some assistance, I would postpone the date, much to Della's dismay.
Like you, we broke up for a while. I kept to myself which Della took to mean I was no longer interested. Of course, she couldn't have been more wrong. Like you & your wife, we were fortunate to move happily beyond that episode.
Still, we enjoy a very atypical marriage (e.g., we sleep in different rooms on different floors) and most of these oddities are a direct result of my unique aspie personality.
Clarissa, no YOU are wrong. There can, most definitely, be a male point of view, often influenced by social mores. You are merely taking a 'politically correct' stance on Gavin's comment. I believe he meant from his own male Aspie viewpoint anyway. It was implicit.
Can any of the Aspie male participants shed light on one thing? How, then, do you express your love or desire or like for an NT, who is likely to be influenced by her own cultural definitions, and/or media-concocted ones, of how to express affection?
The abundance of 'He's Not That Into You' style books on how to look for the clues and signs are a perfect example how rigid our views of love can be.
Thanks, Waterloo
I really enjoy this blog. I've never felt compelled to participate in one before. Thank you Gavin!
"...I know some aspies who frequently I know some aspies who frequently say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - their girlfriends..."
Those poor girlfriends. Why do they stay with people who do things that hurt them?
Did someone accuse them of anti-aspie discrimination for not wanting to keep dating people who frequently say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - them?
Are some of these girlfriends from cultures with "stop crying about loneliness!!! shut up and study!!!" customs? Did someone accuse them of selling out to the West and being frivolous for caring about social skills instead of lying back and thinking about the men being good providers?
Are some of these girlfriends Aspie themselves? Did someone accuse them of betraying their people and selling out to NTs for caring about their self-respect instead of lying back and thinking about neurodiversity?
It's so very easy to have a misunderstanding in a relationship whether it is male/female, female, female, male/male, aspie/NT, aspie/aspie or NT/NT. Since we are all different and everything is open to interpretation from out own individual point of view.
Good communication can help, which is where adding an aspie or two into the mix can make things very tricky.
I am in an aspie/aspie relationship. He is somewhat non-verbal. He is Aussie and I am American. We are pregnant, six weeks along.
He has been saying and doing things that I was interpreting as him not wanting the baby. Naturally I was upset so I went in another room and quit talking to him. Hours later he came to where I was and tried to pay my shoulder and I said, "Don't ever touch me again."
He took off, out of the house and into the streets of the Sydney suburbs. Eventually I ended up in the bedroom to find little notes he was writing to himself about all the questions he had. He was afraid and he worried that when the baby comes he won't be good enough.
But the main thing, the thing that led him to say and do the things that I interpreted as him not wanting the baby, was his inability to deal with the idea that this baby could hurt me, damage me, or kill me, which is exacerbated by the fact that I am 44, this is my first and I have a medical condition that could put both my life and the life of the baby in danger.
I had been feeling willing to just walk away from him when his real concern had been about me all along.
I guess my point, in this long comment, is that we shouldn't ever assume what someone else is feeling, especially when it is someone who is unable to express themselves well.
Thanks. I extend my continued appreciation for your blog.
My Aspie boyfriend and I have fallen out - over what is, I believe, an enormous miscommunication. I have tried contacting him and he rarely replies. I invited him out and he hasn't replied to my email.
I'd like to think he is 'burning inside' for me and is simply unable to communicate that, but what I actually think is that he simply doesn't care. He's done.
Unless he gives me a chance to ask him, meet him and chat with him, I will never know. And he's not giving me that chance.
Helllo- u have no idea how happy i am to have found this blog. I have been married to an Aspie man for almost 5 years and i just recently found out that he has it.
i want to make this marriage work, but it can be very difficult to communicate with him, especially when we disagree or i am trying to explain how i feel about something. what are some communication tips?
This has been very emotional for me because i have felt like i was crazy and that he didn't love me
I have a 7 year old aspie & two other NT boys. You make a lot of great points, great blog. I will with out a doubt stop back in to read again.
Anonymous, you bring your own - likely American - view and judgment on possible reasons why NT women stay with Aspie men. I think this comment explains your own preconceived ideas:
"Did someone accuse them of selling out to the West and being frivolous for caring about social skills instead of lying back and thinking about the men being good providers?"
It is my understanding that - statistically - an overwhelming majority of Aspies are, in fact, westerners. And white.
If you can, get hold of a movie called Mary and Max. It's outstanding. Google it.
There is a pure innocence about Aspies that makes being with them intoxicating: in my experience, they do not judge. They do not deliberately set out to hurt anyone. Their motives and intentions are pure - albeit unrefined, unpolished. They are not jaded, consumerist or materialistic. They are not fixated on keeping up with the neighbors. They care not about celebrity culture, pop psychiatry and the latest trend. Life is pared down for them.
A capitalist, consumerist woman who has grown up watching Oprah pontificate about what is an 'acceptable expression of love', who has watched the Tom Cruise baffoonery of jumping on a sofa to express his public love for Katie, who watches all the diamond ring 'let her know how much you love her' commerials on TV and who has watched too many rom coms and Hallmark movies will not easily accept an Aspie in her life because her head will be filled with propaganda. And some incredibly beautiful people will escape her notice because she is waiting for the guy with the biggest expressions of attention and affection.
There is abuse, and there is honesty. Some people cannot differentiate. And lots of women buy into the consumerist myth.
Hi Gavin. It's Waterloo.
I met up with my ex today. His demeanor was serene, even content, I'd say. I should explain that I've known him 2 years. We dated a short while and he ended it saying he didn't want to be in a relationship. We lost touch and became intense friends again about 8 months later. Then, after about 4 months, we started dating again. At the time he said he had never stopped thinking of me and that he's had plenty of time to reflect. That he will never find anyone more perfect for him. But two weeks ago he ended it saying again - after I ASKED HIM if he was happy carrying on in a relationship with me – he did not feel as passionately for me as I do him.
I asked him today if he thought he was in the Asperger spectrum. He said 'Yes'. I asked if he measured his feelings for me against what he has felt in the past for someone else or against what he believes I feel, and he said against what he has felt for someone else. I asked if it was his ex K, and he said 'probably'. He'd have said 'NO' if it wasn't her, right? Previously, he had told me that she was not the right person for him - she wanted kids, lived abroad and was a Christian.
I asked if he was happy with the decision he made in ending it. He said 'Yes'. He said he is happier on his own, yet he's been maried before, has a child and has had one other relationship I know of. He also said he felt I had pressured him into having a relationship with him because it was what I wanted. He said he felt he had to try a second time. He said I should go away and date someone else so I can see he is not such a nice person after all.
I'd like to think he's really burning inside and merely hindered by his Aspie tendencies, and bitterly disappointed it didn't work out and that it has decimated our friendship and me. I'd like to think I meant something to him. We were mates after all and spent an inordinate amount of time together.
Instead, I'll go away and lick my wounds, knowing that, Aspie or not, I simply meant nothing to him.
Thanks for your blog posts
"Anonymous, you bring your own - likely American - view and judgment on possible reasons why NT women stay with Aspie men. I think this comment explains your own preconceived ideas:
"'Did someone accuse them of selling out to the West and being frivolous for caring about social skills instead of lying back and thinking about the men being good providers?'..."
I'm Asian-American and I've had to put up with some of that pressure from some of my relatives to behave in ways some other people describe as Aspie.
"...A capitalist, consumerist woman who has grown up watching Oprah pontificate about what is an 'acceptable expression of love', who has watched the Tom Cruise baffoonery of jumping on a sofa to express his public love for Katie, who watches all the diamond ring 'let her know how much you love her' commerials on TV and who has watched too many rom coms and Hallmark movies will not easily accept an Aspie in her life because her head will be filled with propaganda..."
News flash: some people have preferred extroverted behavior since thousands of years before Oprah was born and Hallmark was founded.
"...And some incredibly beautiful people..."
Incredibly beautiful *to whom*? If she's passing them up, chances are they're not incredibly beautiful to her in the first place.
"...will escape her notice because she is waiting for the guy with the biggest expressions of attention and affection..."
What's wrong with different people having different sexual preferences and some women (and some men too!) actually preferring bigger expressions of attention and affection?
Nobody *owes* someone else sex and romance. No means no, and you always deserve the right to refuse a sexual encounter you don't want.
Therefore, it's not unfair for a woman to have preferences that don't easily accept behavior more common among people diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome into the most intimate parts of her life, and that's OK!
No doubt you have some preferences too, even preferences that make you not easily accept certain other behaviors into nthe most important parts of your life, and that's OK too!
Also, in my post where I said "Did someone accuse them of selling out to the West and being frivolous for caring about social skills instead of lying back and thinking about the men being good providers?" I obviously wasn't talking about "possible reasons why NT women stay with Aspie men" *in general*.
I made it clear that I was responding to the statement "I know some aspies who frequently say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - their girlfriends..." by quoting that immediately before I said the rest of my post.
The rest of my post began with "Those poor girlfriends. Why do they stay with people who do things that hurt them?" This obviously *doesn't* include *other* NT women, who *aren't* those poor girlfriends mentioned in what I quoted, who stay with Aspie men.
For starters, no doubt some *other* Aspie men and Aspie women, who *aren't* the Apsies mentioned in what I quoted, *don't* say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - their girlfriends and boyfriends in the first place! :)
"...Instead, I'll go away and lick my wounds, knowing that, Aspie or not, I simply meant nothing to him..."
Rthat it's not even calling him a bad boyfriend (even if someone else accuses you of doing that) when you go lick your wounds! It's calling recognizing that having him for a boyfriend is *bad for you* even though he still could turn out to be a good boyfriend *for someone else*.
You don't shouldn't have to keep dating someone just because someone else who doesn't have the same preferences as you do tells you that he or she is "intoxicating" or whatever. Nobody should have to!
To Anonymous (there are so many), this is precisely what I don't understand about the Aspie condition:
"It's recognizing that having him for a boyfriend is *bad for you* even though he still could turn out to be a good boyfriend *for someone else*"
He struggles with relationships, intimacy, physical contact. He, like so many of the men who have been described on this site, also struggled with intercourse. Everything was fine, and he maintained an erection and was comfortable with oral sex, but would lose his erection on approaching intercourse.
Why, then, was this not the case with his previous girlfriend but it is the case with me. He said that I sometimes make him uncomfortable.
I have honestly never felt so rejected and unappealing as I do at the moment. I realise I must not take any of this personally but I can't NOT take it personality.
He admitted he believes he is an Aspie, so then would the emotional issues not manifest themselves with all the women he has relationships with or were they particularly acute with me?
Gavin, if you possibly can, please try to explain this to me. I am already so bereft and wounded, you could not possibly wound me any more. I want to understand what's happened. I feel as if I've been caught in a twister.
Thank you, Waterloo
Waterloo,
There is nothing ever quite like a first love. It's the same as the first time you drink a coke or the first time you taste chocolate. You can spend your whole life chasing that first taste but you'll never ever get it back.
The reason? It's all about setting your expectations.
It's the same with films. A sequel could be better in so many ways than the original but the audience usually won't think so. If you look at the films where the sequel is considered better, they are not only vastly better films - they're also very, very different.
Love is the same, smiles and kisses are the same. Everything pales in comparison with the first - even though it's probably an overall better experience.
For most people, you can simply get them to "let go" of their past. They can "forget" a little - and move on. For aspies however, it's quite a different thing. We often remember everything. How we felt at the time, textures, sights and sounds. Even worse, our minds are often analytical and constantly make comparisons for us whether we want to or not.
Don't feel sad that you can't stir in your man the sorts of feelings that he remembers. It's not your fault at all. It's the fault of his expectations.
He needs to learn that the goal he seeks is now unattainable and that it's unfair to hold you to such an impossible benchmark.
this:
"It's recognizing that having him for a boyfriend is *bad for you* even though he still could turn out to be a good boyfriend *for someone else*"
isn't just about the Aspie condition, it's about the *human* condition no matter if a human being is Aspie or NT or something else.
Nobody can be a good boyfriend for absolutely anyone who wants a boyfriend! Nobody can be a good girlfriend for absolutely anyone who wants a girlfriend!
"I have honestly never felt so rejected and unappealing as I do at the moment. I realise I must not take any of this personally but I can't NOT take it personality."
I totally understand that you can't NOT take it personally either! I also can't promise that you will be romantically accepted and sexually appealing to another man, because I'm a woman myself and I can't make a man keep that promise for me (like how some people have insisted me that there's a guy out there for me, but none of them asked me out themselves).
I *can* say that you are a worthwhile human being! Being rejected by, and being unappealing to, that guy doesn't mean you're a bad person! Even if you're not the person your ex wants to date, it's *still* entirely *possible* that you'll find someone else who is both attracted to you and who attracts you himself!
Even if you turn out to be like me (nobody who attracts me is attracted to me and vice versa), you still deserve *better* than having to put up with being in a bad relationship (and while being in a good relationship can feel better than being single, being single can still feel a ton better than being in a bad relationship)!
Thank you, Gavin. I'm pleased to have found this blog. It's been immensely helpful to my understanding. Just wish you could do something about the anguish :-(
Waterloo
Gavin, I've been reading your blog on and off since 09 and as an NT in love with an Aspie, it has helped me see things in another way (maybe even his?). This topic in particular got me as we've fought over his mentioning his exes. It seems to me he's obsessed with them and since he can form resentments easily, my saying I'm hurt and worried that he cares for them more has created tension.
What, to an Aspie, is reminiscing, a triggered memory, and an obsession a current GF should worry about?
"Except, that these guys are putting on a well rehearsed show. When they get sick of you, they simply move on to the next target and put on the same type of show. It's not unique or individual. It's just the way they show their love. Some are sincere and some are not - but the "show" is always the same."
The difference here is that when the NT man decides to stay he doesnt change these behaviours towards the one he loves...he still shows her he loves her.
An Aspie man on the other hand puts on this same show. He does what hes seen on TV and in the movies and in general life around him and hides his real quirks and behaviours...until he marries you that is. then it all comes crashing out of him. And you are trapped...and fooled...and devasted.
At least thats my experience. Dated 5 and a half yrs...knowing he was Aspie but loving his little quirks and differences and helping him through many things but then I married him...and he got distant...and nasty...and quirkier...and sex stopped...and he told me when I asked where my BF went "I dont know. Im comfortable now. Get used to it coz this is me."
Yeah...thats my experience and that of the hundreds of other women on the TWO support groups for wives of Aspies Im on. There are medical papers written about it.
So...no offense to Aspies (I worked with kids with Aspergers and have friends with it too who I love dearly)...but its not NT men who do the most acting during courtship. Its men with AS.
"Anonymous said...
My Aspie boyfriend and I have fallen out - over what is, I believe, an enormous miscommunication. I have tried contacting him and he rarely replies. I invited him out and he hasn't replied to my email.
I'd like to think he is 'burning inside' for me and is simply unable to communicate that, but what I actually think is that he simply doesn't care. He's done.
Unless he gives me a chance to ask him, meet him and chat with him, I will never know. And he's not giving me that chance."
I dated a guy for almost 3 months.I broke it off with him, and I'm starting to think it probably was due to miscommunication. He tried to call me quite a bit, but I never answered. At the time I was just in to much pain. There has not been a day over the last 3.5 months that I have not thought of him or cried over the loss of him. Don't think that he doesn't think of you. It's possible that he doesn't, but it is also possible that he does very much and just doesn't know what to do or he thinks to much time has past.
My bf and I had a similar experience. I wasn't in an abusive relationship but I was with someone else who was completely wrong with me but I was so bent on getting affection that I didn't care. After our year of being apart, he got back with me and you're right, I have no idea how much he missed me. Reading this proved that he did though. I'm happy we went through it. He gets mad when people say that he "doesn't seem to care" but he's an Aspie AND he has puppy dog eyes so he always looks sad when he's just thinking, poor thing.
Hi Gavin,
Do you know any divorced Aspie?
How did they cope with the divorce?
Did it take a long time for them to move on? Or did they ever move on?
If they did, how are they with their new mate now?
Is their previous relationship affects their current relationship?
My boyfriend is an Aspie, I'm totally in love with him.
He was married before for over 8 years, he married at very young age(He's now 31, and I'm 30). He got divorced about 1 year a go. He said his ex-wife left him for another man, and took all of their savings with her. They have no kids.
We had started to get serious & talk about marriage lately, and he even gave me a certain time-frame in his mind.
But somehow, I feel uncertain about it. I feel clueless. The problem is:
1) I often found him ranting about his ex-wife, even cursing her in front of everybody. From the frequency, seems like either he really hates her, or he still loves her & hasn't over her yet.
2) I feel like a yo-yo emotionally. He'd toss me & take me back over & over again. I don't know how to make him understand about how I feel. I did try to tell him several times, but he seems like doesn't care, or doesn't have a clue about what he did.
In the beginning, he was very intense in getting in touch with me (I live abroad & we're doing long-distance relationship). But now he seem to changed. There are days when he would refuse to answer my calls or reply my emails, and prefer to talk to me (and his friends) through Twitter instead (especially during & following his frequent meltdowns).
When he does answer my calls or doing video chat with me, he's often busy "multi-tasking" with his work, but at the same time he kept on talking about meeting me (he's coming to see me in April, so he said), planning our future together, having me by his side, etc.
I love this man, and truly wish we can make this work together, but I dont/cant understand him.
During his "silent" days, he'd literally talk to the whole world on twitter, except me. That's often the only way I could keep up with what's going on with him.
And then when he's back in the "talking" mood, he'd shower me with all the sweet words & make me feel like I'm the center of his world again.
With the way he treats me now (shutting me out & pulling me back in repeatedly), I doubt if we can end up having a great time together when we meet in April, let alone end up in staying together in marriage.
The more I think about us, the more I feel miserable. I've hopes for us, but I've doubts too.
D.
Anonymous,
I'll take a shot at this since I'm an Aspie who divorced and then remarried.
How did I cope with my divorce from my first wife? Not very well! While any divorce involves mistakes made by both parties, I now realize that most of the mistakes were made by me (though I certainly didn't see it that way at the time).
My biggest problem in terms of ALL my romantic relationships, including the one with my ex-wife, is that, as two people interact with each other, it impacts both individuals and they both change somewhat. I have great difficulty with change and, when the relationship changed naturally, I didn't know how to deal with it. So, I dealt with the change badly!
In time, I met someone new (my current wife of 27 years), but I put her through hell for our courtship period and the first 7 years or so of our marriage. Part of the problem was that I kept reliving my first failure and I decided that this second relationship would fail too! I also had a great deal of trouble when the natural changes came to our relationship.
The fact that my wife Della & I have been married for 27 years (and we're still going strong) is a testament to her, not me. She refused to give up on this strange fellow she married and it is her compassion and patience that allowed our relationship to navigate through troubled waters and come out the other side remarkably unscathed.
Her love for me and devotion to our relationship has helped me to turn the corner, so to speak. I know that I'm still not the easiest person to live with, but I am now able to do a better job holding up my end of our partnership. I am a better person today because of her!
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