I apologise for the excessive "male-orientated" viewpoint in this post. I tried to keep it neutral but somehow, it just works better when explained from a male viewpoint.
Here's a phrase that I've seen repeated throughout the comments on this blog on several occasions;
"I know that he won't miss me when I'm gone because he's aspie"
Today, we're going to (try to) bust that myth;
Individuals
I'll start off with a reminder that everyone is an individual. If all aspies were completely alike and predictible, they'd be a stereotype but they're not. Each is shaped by their background, their upbringing, their beliefs and their local customs.
An aspie who grew up with loud abusive parents has a reasonable chance of becoming loud and abusive themselves because in some cases, that's all they know. That's how they think adults are supposed to behave. In other cases, aspies who grew up in those circumstances do a complete about-face and say "I'm not going to be like my parents"
A lot of aspie behaviour comes down to personality and individual choice.
Some aspies choose to be good mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends while others choose to be angry, abusive, controlling or simply aloof and untouchable.
It's not the aspie condition that drives the choice.
Different Types of Expression
It's commonly stated that dogs have owners while cats have staff.
It's believed that dogs are caring creatures because they whine when you leave them and jump around excitedly when you get home. Dogs seem to want to be with you while cats often seem to have specific objectives, like food or a brush, in mind.
Sure, there are some dogs and cats which break the mould. Some dogs obviously prefer their own company while some cats are amazingly sociable. These are exceptions - and the rest are the "stereotypes".
I'm ready for the deluge of complaints from cat owners.
It's not really like that though is it? Cat owners will tell you that their feline friends are just as happy to see them as dogs are. It's just that cats express in a different way.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
NTs are Actors, Aspies are thinkers
Aspies express in different ways too.
Your typical lovestruck neurotypical boyfriend will behave like a dog. He'll call you constantly, he'll buy you flowers, gifts and chocolate. He will come around to your house late at night and yowl like a cat and he'll constantly shower you with words and gestures of affection.
Wow, awesome... you must really be loved...
Except, that these guys are putting on a well rehearsed show. When they get sick of you, they simply move on to the next target and put on the same type of show. It's not unique or individual. It's just the way they show their love. Some are sincere and some are not - but the "show" is always the same.
In contrast, the aspie boyfriend is very much a thinker. To him, everything has its place and he'll try not to monopolise your time. He may be so cautious about hurting your feelings that it feels like the relationship is going nowhere because he doesn't say the words you expect to hear. Sometimes, particularly when you're hammering him with questions, he answers truthfully and discovers that you hate him for it.
Just as there is no correct answer to "do I look fat in this dress?", there is no correct answer to, "do you want to stay just friends or are we more than that?"
Aspie men will often ponder the depth of their love and friendship for hours yet when they come to talk about it, it comes out all garbled and offensive.
I know some aspies who frequently say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - their girlfriends. They don't realise that the truth really can hurt. In one case, I have a friend who is no longer with his girlfriend and yet while I'm sure she's mostly forgotten about him not a day goes by when I can't tell that he's still "burning up". She's been on his mind constantly for years even though she's out of the picture.
If that isn't love, then I don't know what is.
Honour vs Wants
I've told this story before though I'm not sure in how much detail. It's a story which I think gives an understanding of how an aspie can miss and can love someone while still giving the wrong impression. It's my story;
Before I was married, When I was going out with my wife, I started to panic about my priorities. I found that I simply couldn't juggle my work and university committments with a social life.
I tried to go out once per week and I had an all male group of friends who competed for that once per week spot.
My girlfriend was keen for a more frequent relationship. She hassled me for more time and would often ask me where we would be in a certain number of years. I tried to answer honestly, taking into consideration that she would say "in two years" when I was only part-way through a six year degree.
My answers did not impress her and she continued asking them hoping for better answers.
In the end, we broke up.
I couldn't afford the time and I really couldn't concentrate on so many things at once. I could tell that she wanted more and I knew that I wasn't in a position to give it.
I didn't want her to go but I thought I was doing a noble thing by letting her go. I didn't chase her because I thought it wouldn't allow her to leave in a dignified manner. I made a huge personal sacrifice by letting the most important part of my life leave.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
She didn't think so. She didn't appreciate it for the sacrifice that it was. I didn't communicate my pain because I thought that would make it more difficult for her.
Isn't that what the hero always does in movies?
For the next year, I burned inside. I thought of her often but didn't call. I wasn't going to pass my pain on.
When she finally did get in touch with me and told me that she'd found someone else - it hurt. I sat there listening to her telling me how great this person was and how he saw her almost every night - compared to my paltry once-per-week.
I acted happy for her but really I felt sick inside.
Still, I went on being a "hero" for her. I suffered in silence for her.
It was only when she came to me and told me about being mistreated by her boyfriend that I changed. I'd learned that the relationship was a bad one and I no longer had any qualms about breaking it up.
I asked her to go out with me instead.
...and she hesitated...
It really, really tore me up. All that time when I was suffering, I thought that I was doing the best thing for her but as it turned out, I wasn't considered much more highly than the abusive boyfriend.
In fact, I ended up having to compete with that abusive boyfriend for her attention (and fortuantely I won).
In the process, I learned from what she'd told me of his behaviour. I learned how to be the sort of person she wanted.
It was horrid experience but I think it was something I needed to learn.
The way forward for me was to change my life to fit her in and surprisingly - my university grades actually improved. I think that my lonely year of self-pity and suffering had actually done my work more harm than good.
The funny thing is; even today, she's still completely unaware of just how much I missed her.
47 comments:
First of all, there is no "male viewpoint." :-) It just doesn't exist anywhere in the world except crappu TV shows like "Sex and the City."
Second, when you described the typical Aspie boyfriend who says "the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to" their current or former partner, I definitely recognized myself. As a female Aspie, I always have and always will behave just like that. I do realize, of course, that the way society works right now, it is much easier to do those things as an attractive woman than as a man. So I think your post makes several important points.
Good job! Your blog surely does make a difference.
As ever, you hit the nail on the head. I am often told that people don't realise that I care about them, whereas I know inside that I have tremendous love and loyalty to my family and friends. It is so hard to explain this discrepnacy to people who are not autistic, as a lot of people think that it is easy to 'put on an act' of affection.
I sometimes feel as if there is a mental block that stops me doing things that seem false, even when I know that people expect them (and even when it is not false that I can love and miss someone). I think that by false I mean 'not matching up with my emotions at the exact moment that people expect me to say or do something'.
I think you've made a critical point in this post (and you've done it before): It is very difficult to illustrate a general aspie viewpoint. Like NTs, each aspie is unique. While many of us share tendencies, these tendencies are filtered through our own individual experiences.
I can relate well to your example of dating your future wife. When my future wife (Della) and I were dating, she was often a bit peeved at my devotion to my grandparents. If we had a date planned and my grandmother called to say she needed some assistance, I would postpone the date, much to Della's dismay.
Like you, we broke up for a while. I kept to myself which Della took to mean I was no longer interested. Of course, she couldn't have been more wrong. Like you & your wife, we were fortunate to move happily beyond that episode.
Still, we enjoy a very atypical marriage (e.g., we sleep in different rooms on different floors) and most of these oddities are a direct result of my unique aspie personality.
Clarissa, no YOU are wrong. There can, most definitely, be a male point of view, often influenced by social mores. You are merely taking a 'politically correct' stance on Gavin's comment. I believe he meant from his own male Aspie viewpoint anyway. It was implicit.
Can any of the Aspie male participants shed light on one thing? How, then, do you express your love or desire or like for an NT, who is likely to be influenced by her own cultural definitions, and/or media-concocted ones, of how to express affection?
The abundance of 'He's Not That Into You' style books on how to look for the clues and signs are a perfect example how rigid our views of love can be.
Thanks, Waterloo
I really enjoy this blog. I've never felt compelled to participate in one before. Thank you Gavin!
"...I know some aspies who frequently I know some aspies who frequently say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - their girlfriends..."
Those poor girlfriends. Why do they stay with people who do things that hurt them?
Did someone accuse them of anti-aspie discrimination for not wanting to keep dating people who frequently say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - them?
Are some of these girlfriends from cultures with "stop crying about loneliness!!! shut up and study!!!" customs? Did someone accuse them of selling out to the West and being frivolous for caring about social skills instead of lying back and thinking about the men being good providers?
Are some of these girlfriends Aspie themselves? Did someone accuse them of betraying their people and selling out to NTs for caring about their self-respect instead of lying back and thinking about neurodiversity?
It's so very easy to have a misunderstanding in a relationship whether it is male/female, female, female, male/male, aspie/NT, aspie/aspie or NT/NT. Since we are all different and everything is open to interpretation from out own individual point of view.
Good communication can help, which is where adding an aspie or two into the mix can make things very tricky.
I am in an aspie/aspie relationship. He is somewhat non-verbal. He is Aussie and I am American. We are pregnant, six weeks along.
He has been saying and doing things that I was interpreting as him not wanting the baby. Naturally I was upset so I went in another room and quit talking to him. Hours later he came to where I was and tried to pay my shoulder and I said, "Don't ever touch me again."
He took off, out of the house and into the streets of the Sydney suburbs. Eventually I ended up in the bedroom to find little notes he was writing to himself about all the questions he had. He was afraid and he worried that when the baby comes he won't be good enough.
But the main thing, the thing that led him to say and do the things that I interpreted as him not wanting the baby, was his inability to deal with the idea that this baby could hurt me, damage me, or kill me, which is exacerbated by the fact that I am 44, this is my first and I have a medical condition that could put both my life and the life of the baby in danger.
I had been feeling willing to just walk away from him when his real concern had been about me all along.
I guess my point, in this long comment, is that we shouldn't ever assume what someone else is feeling, especially when it is someone who is unable to express themselves well.
Thanks. I extend my continued appreciation for your blog.
My Aspie boyfriend and I have fallen out - over what is, I believe, an enormous miscommunication. I have tried contacting him and he rarely replies. I invited him out and he hasn't replied to my email.
I'd like to think he is 'burning inside' for me and is simply unable to communicate that, but what I actually think is that he simply doesn't care. He's done.
Unless he gives me a chance to ask him, meet him and chat with him, I will never know. And he's not giving me that chance.
Helllo- u have no idea how happy i am to have found this blog. I have been married to an Aspie man for almost 5 years and i just recently found out that he has it.
i want to make this marriage work, but it can be very difficult to communicate with him, especially when we disagree or i am trying to explain how i feel about something. what are some communication tips?
This has been very emotional for me because i have felt like i was crazy and that he didn't love me
I have a 7 year old aspie & two other NT boys. You make a lot of great points, great blog. I will with out a doubt stop back in to read again.
Anonymous, you bring your own - likely American - view and judgment on possible reasons why NT women stay with Aspie men. I think this comment explains your own preconceived ideas:
"Did someone accuse them of selling out to the West and being frivolous for caring about social skills instead of lying back and thinking about the men being good providers?"
It is my understanding that - statistically - an overwhelming majority of Aspies are, in fact, westerners. And white.
If you can, get hold of a movie called Mary and Max. It's outstanding. Google it.
There is a pure innocence about Aspies that makes being with them intoxicating: in my experience, they do not judge. They do not deliberately set out to hurt anyone. Their motives and intentions are pure - albeit unrefined, unpolished. They are not jaded, consumerist or materialistic. They are not fixated on keeping up with the neighbors. They care not about celebrity culture, pop psychiatry and the latest trend. Life is pared down for them.
A capitalist, consumerist woman who has grown up watching Oprah pontificate about what is an 'acceptable expression of love', who has watched the Tom Cruise baffoonery of jumping on a sofa to express his public love for Katie, who watches all the diamond ring 'let her know how much you love her' commerials on TV and who has watched too many rom coms and Hallmark movies will not easily accept an Aspie in her life because her head will be filled with propaganda. And some incredibly beautiful people will escape her notice because she is waiting for the guy with the biggest expressions of attention and affection.
There is abuse, and there is honesty. Some people cannot differentiate. And lots of women buy into the consumerist myth.
Hi Gavin. It's Waterloo.
I met up with my ex today. His demeanor was serene, even content, I'd say. I should explain that I've known him 2 years. We dated a short while and he ended it saying he didn't want to be in a relationship. We lost touch and became intense friends again about 8 months later. Then, after about 4 months, we started dating again. At the time he said he had never stopped thinking of me and that he's had plenty of time to reflect. That he will never find anyone more perfect for him. But two weeks ago he ended it saying again - after I ASKED HIM if he was happy carrying on in a relationship with me – he did not feel as passionately for me as I do him.
I asked him today if he thought he was in the Asperger spectrum. He said 'Yes'. I asked if he measured his feelings for me against what he has felt in the past for someone else or against what he believes I feel, and he said against what he has felt for someone else. I asked if it was his ex K, and he said 'probably'. He'd have said 'NO' if it wasn't her, right? Previously, he had told me that she was not the right person for him - she wanted kids, lived abroad and was a Christian.
I asked if he was happy with the decision he made in ending it. He said 'Yes'. He said he is happier on his own, yet he's been maried before, has a child and has had one other relationship I know of. He also said he felt I had pressured him into having a relationship with him because it was what I wanted. He said he felt he had to try a second time. He said I should go away and date someone else so I can see he is not such a nice person after all.
I'd like to think he's really burning inside and merely hindered by his Aspie tendencies, and bitterly disappointed it didn't work out and that it has decimated our friendship and me. I'd like to think I meant something to him. We were mates after all and spent an inordinate amount of time together.
Instead, I'll go away and lick my wounds, knowing that, Aspie or not, I simply meant nothing to him.
Thanks for your blog posts
"Anonymous, you bring your own - likely American - view and judgment on possible reasons why NT women stay with Aspie men. I think this comment explains your own preconceived ideas:
"'Did someone accuse them of selling out to the West and being frivolous for caring about social skills instead of lying back and thinking about the men being good providers?'..."
I'm Asian-American and I've had to put up with some of that pressure from some of my relatives to behave in ways some other people describe as Aspie.
"...A capitalist, consumerist woman who has grown up watching Oprah pontificate about what is an 'acceptable expression of love', who has watched the Tom Cruise baffoonery of jumping on a sofa to express his public love for Katie, who watches all the diamond ring 'let her know how much you love her' commerials on TV and who has watched too many rom coms and Hallmark movies will not easily accept an Aspie in her life because her head will be filled with propaganda..."
News flash: some people have preferred extroverted behavior since thousands of years before Oprah was born and Hallmark was founded.
"...And some incredibly beautiful people..."
Incredibly beautiful *to whom*? If she's passing them up, chances are they're not incredibly beautiful to her in the first place.
"...will escape her notice because she is waiting for the guy with the biggest expressions of attention and affection..."
What's wrong with different people having different sexual preferences and some women (and some men too!) actually preferring bigger expressions of attention and affection?
Nobody *owes* someone else sex and romance. No means no, and you always deserve the right to refuse a sexual encounter you don't want.
Therefore, it's not unfair for a woman to have preferences that don't easily accept behavior more common among people diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome into the most intimate parts of her life, and that's OK!
No doubt you have some preferences too, even preferences that make you not easily accept certain other behaviors into nthe most important parts of your life, and that's OK too!
Also, in my post where I said "Did someone accuse them of selling out to the West and being frivolous for caring about social skills instead of lying back and thinking about the men being good providers?" I obviously wasn't talking about "possible reasons why NT women stay with Aspie men" *in general*.
I made it clear that I was responding to the statement "I know some aspies who frequently say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - their girlfriends..." by quoting that immediately before I said the rest of my post.
The rest of my post began with "Those poor girlfriends. Why do they stay with people who do things that hurt them?" This obviously *doesn't* include *other* NT women, who *aren't* those poor girlfriends mentioned in what I quoted, who stay with Aspie men.
For starters, no doubt some *other* Aspie men and Aspie women, who *aren't* the Apsies mentioned in what I quoted, *don't* say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - their girlfriends and boyfriends in the first place! :)
"...Instead, I'll go away and lick my wounds, knowing that, Aspie or not, I simply meant nothing to him..."
Rthat it's not even calling him a bad boyfriend (even if someone else accuses you of doing that) when you go lick your wounds! It's calling recognizing that having him for a boyfriend is *bad for you* even though he still could turn out to be a good boyfriend *for someone else*.
You don't shouldn't have to keep dating someone just because someone else who doesn't have the same preferences as you do tells you that he or she is "intoxicating" or whatever. Nobody should have to!
To Anonymous (there are so many), this is precisely what I don't understand about the Aspie condition:
"It's recognizing that having him for a boyfriend is *bad for you* even though he still could turn out to be a good boyfriend *for someone else*"
He struggles with relationships, intimacy, physical contact. He, like so many of the men who have been described on this site, also struggled with intercourse. Everything was fine, and he maintained an erection and was comfortable with oral sex, but would lose his erection on approaching intercourse.
Why, then, was this not the case with his previous girlfriend but it is the case with me. He said that I sometimes make him uncomfortable.
I have honestly never felt so rejected and unappealing as I do at the moment. I realise I must not take any of this personally but I can't NOT take it personality.
He admitted he believes he is an Aspie, so then would the emotional issues not manifest themselves with all the women he has relationships with or were they particularly acute with me?
Gavin, if you possibly can, please try to explain this to me. I am already so bereft and wounded, you could not possibly wound me any more. I want to understand what's happened. I feel as if I've been caught in a twister.
Thank you, Waterloo
Waterloo,
There is nothing ever quite like a first love. It's the same as the first time you drink a coke or the first time you taste chocolate. You can spend your whole life chasing that first taste but you'll never ever get it back.
The reason? It's all about setting your expectations.
It's the same with films. A sequel could be better in so many ways than the original but the audience usually won't think so. If you look at the films where the sequel is considered better, they are not only vastly better films - they're also very, very different.
Love is the same, smiles and kisses are the same. Everything pales in comparison with the first - even though it's probably an overall better experience.
For most people, you can simply get them to "let go" of their past. They can "forget" a little - and move on. For aspies however, it's quite a different thing. We often remember everything. How we felt at the time, textures, sights and sounds. Even worse, our minds are often analytical and constantly make comparisons for us whether we want to or not.
Don't feel sad that you can't stir in your man the sorts of feelings that he remembers. It's not your fault at all. It's the fault of his expectations.
He needs to learn that the goal he seeks is now unattainable and that it's unfair to hold you to such an impossible benchmark.
this:
"It's recognizing that having him for a boyfriend is *bad for you* even though he still could turn out to be a good boyfriend *for someone else*"
isn't just about the Aspie condition, it's about the *human* condition no matter if a human being is Aspie or NT or something else.
Nobody can be a good boyfriend for absolutely anyone who wants a boyfriend! Nobody can be a good girlfriend for absolutely anyone who wants a girlfriend!
"I have honestly never felt so rejected and unappealing as I do at the moment. I realise I must not take any of this personally but I can't NOT take it personality."
I totally understand that you can't NOT take it personally either! I also can't promise that you will be romantically accepted and sexually appealing to another man, because I'm a woman myself and I can't make a man keep that promise for me (like how some people have insisted me that there's a guy out there for me, but none of them asked me out themselves).
I *can* say that you are a worthwhile human being! Being rejected by, and being unappealing to, that guy doesn't mean you're a bad person! Even if you're not the person your ex wants to date, it's *still* entirely *possible* that you'll find someone else who is both attracted to you and who attracts you himself!
Even if you turn out to be like me (nobody who attracts me is attracted to me and vice versa), you still deserve *better* than having to put up with being in a bad relationship (and while being in a good relationship can feel better than being single, being single can still feel a ton better than being in a bad relationship)!
Thank you, Gavin. I'm pleased to have found this blog. It's been immensely helpful to my understanding. Just wish you could do something about the anguish :-(
Waterloo
Gavin, I've been reading your blog on and off since 09 and as an NT in love with an Aspie, it has helped me see things in another way (maybe even his?). This topic in particular got me as we've fought over his mentioning his exes. It seems to me he's obsessed with them and since he can form resentments easily, my saying I'm hurt and worried that he cares for them more has created tension.
What, to an Aspie, is reminiscing, a triggered memory, and an obsession a current GF should worry about?
"Except, that these guys are putting on a well rehearsed show. When they get sick of you, they simply move on to the next target and put on the same type of show. It's not unique or individual. It's just the way they show their love. Some are sincere and some are not - but the "show" is always the same."
The difference here is that when the NT man decides to stay he doesnt change these behaviours towards the one he loves...he still shows her he loves her.
An Aspie man on the other hand puts on this same show. He does what hes seen on TV and in the movies and in general life around him and hides his real quirks and behaviours...until he marries you that is. then it all comes crashing out of him. And you are trapped...and fooled...and devasted.
At least thats my experience. Dated 5 and a half yrs...knowing he was Aspie but loving his little quirks and differences and helping him through many things but then I married him...and he got distant...and nasty...and quirkier...and sex stopped...and he told me when I asked where my BF went "I dont know. Im comfortable now. Get used to it coz this is me."
Yeah...thats my experience and that of the hundreds of other women on the TWO support groups for wives of Aspies Im on. There are medical papers written about it.
So...no offense to Aspies (I worked with kids with Aspergers and have friends with it too who I love dearly)...but its not NT men who do the most acting during courtship. Its men with AS.
"Anonymous said...
My Aspie boyfriend and I have fallen out - over what is, I believe, an enormous miscommunication. I have tried contacting him and he rarely replies. I invited him out and he hasn't replied to my email.
I'd like to think he is 'burning inside' for me and is simply unable to communicate that, but what I actually think is that he simply doesn't care. He's done.
Unless he gives me a chance to ask him, meet him and chat with him, I will never know. And he's not giving me that chance."
I dated a guy for almost 3 months.I broke it off with him, and I'm starting to think it probably was due to miscommunication. He tried to call me quite a bit, but I never answered. At the time I was just in to much pain. There has not been a day over the last 3.5 months that I have not thought of him or cried over the loss of him. Don't think that he doesn't think of you. It's possible that he doesn't, but it is also possible that he does very much and just doesn't know what to do or he thinks to much time has past.
My bf and I had a similar experience. I wasn't in an abusive relationship but I was with someone else who was completely wrong with me but I was so bent on getting affection that I didn't care. After our year of being apart, he got back with me and you're right, I have no idea how much he missed me. Reading this proved that he did though. I'm happy we went through it. He gets mad when people say that he "doesn't seem to care" but he's an Aspie AND he has puppy dog eyes so he always looks sad when he's just thinking, poor thing.
Hi Gavin,
Do you know any divorced Aspie?
How did they cope with the divorce?
Did it take a long time for them to move on? Or did they ever move on?
If they did, how are they with their new mate now?
Is their previous relationship affects their current relationship?
My boyfriend is an Aspie, I'm totally in love with him.
He was married before for over 8 years, he married at very young age(He's now 31, and I'm 30). He got divorced about 1 year a go. He said his ex-wife left him for another man, and took all of their savings with her. They have no kids.
We had started to get serious & talk about marriage lately, and he even gave me a certain time-frame in his mind.
But somehow, I feel uncertain about it. I feel clueless. The problem is:
1) I often found him ranting about his ex-wife, even cursing her in front of everybody. From the frequency, seems like either he really hates her, or he still loves her & hasn't over her yet.
2) I feel like a yo-yo emotionally. He'd toss me & take me back over & over again. I don't know how to make him understand about how I feel. I did try to tell him several times, but he seems like doesn't care, or doesn't have a clue about what he did.
In the beginning, he was very intense in getting in touch with me (I live abroad & we're doing long-distance relationship). But now he seem to changed. There are days when he would refuse to answer my calls or reply my emails, and prefer to talk to me (and his friends) through Twitter instead (especially during & following his frequent meltdowns).
When he does answer my calls or doing video chat with me, he's often busy "multi-tasking" with his work, but at the same time he kept on talking about meeting me (he's coming to see me in April, so he said), planning our future together, having me by his side, etc.
I love this man, and truly wish we can make this work together, but I dont/cant understand him.
During his "silent" days, he'd literally talk to the whole world on twitter, except me. That's often the only way I could keep up with what's going on with him.
And then when he's back in the "talking" mood, he'd shower me with all the sweet words & make me feel like I'm the center of his world again.
With the way he treats me now (shutting me out & pulling me back in repeatedly), I doubt if we can end up having a great time together when we meet in April, let alone end up in staying together in marriage.
The more I think about us, the more I feel miserable. I've hopes for us, but I've doubts too.
D.
Anonymous,
I'll take a shot at this since I'm an Aspie who divorced and then remarried.
How did I cope with my divorce from my first wife? Not very well! While any divorce involves mistakes made by both parties, I now realize that most of the mistakes were made by me (though I certainly didn't see it that way at the time).
My biggest problem in terms of ALL my romantic relationships, including the one with my ex-wife, is that, as two people interact with each other, it impacts both individuals and they both change somewhat. I have great difficulty with change and, when the relationship changed naturally, I didn't know how to deal with it. So, I dealt with the change badly!
In time, I met someone new (my current wife of 27 years), but I put her through hell for our courtship period and the first 7 years or so of our marriage. Part of the problem was that I kept reliving my first failure and I decided that this second relationship would fail too! I also had a great deal of trouble when the natural changes came to our relationship.
The fact that my wife Della & I have been married for 27 years (and we're still going strong) is a testament to her, not me. She refused to give up on this strange fellow she married and it is her compassion and patience that allowed our relationship to navigate through troubled waters and come out the other side remarkably unscathed.
Her love for me and devotion to our relationship has helped me to turn the corner, so to speak. I know that I'm still not the easiest person to live with, but I am now able to do a better job holding up my end of our partnership. I am a better person today because of her!
One thing that my aspie husband and I have always done is the "good-bye kiss" and saying "I love you". When we started dating he said that he didn't want to start doing irrelevant goodbyes and affection, but I stuck with it, now its a habit. Whenever one of us leaves the other we give a kiss and say I love you. If we didn't I don't know when we would say it, accept for when we are having a discussion(fight). It reassures me the NT and it doesn't let him forget the little affections that I feel are important.
Hello all, reading this post + all your comments has been most helpful.
I believe my ex-boyfriend is an Aspie. A friend repeatedly suggested that he was one, based on some stories I'd told her, like:
My ex recounted when he was 5, he gave his teacher a present; she went to hug him, and he RAN to the other side of the room. Also, his mother would tuck him in at night as a child, and tell him she loved him. He could never bring himself to respond back.
After I researched 'Aspergers and affection', I sat there for hours, crying, because everything sounded so familiar.
My boyfriend was in his early 30's when I met him, and I was the first girl he'd ever kissed. He said he never could tell if a girl was interested in him.
He was the most intelligent, funny, childlike, sweet, thoughtful, articulate and kind man I'd ever dated. Also the most awkward, gawky and goofy, albeit in a funny way.
He was very stable, worked at the same company for ten years, visited his parents once a week. Once when we were first dating, he left my friends' wedding reception to go watch football with his parents, which he did every Sunday, and which astounded me.
His lack of affection could be exasperating. Even after 5 years, he would almost never initiate a hug. I remember once when I sobbed over a traumatic event. Although he sat next to me, he made no move to comfort me, put his arm around me, or hold me.
Sometimes, when I'd hug him or cuddle with him, he'd make odd little goofy noises. I asked him why he did that, and he said he wasn't sure how to respond, when I touched him, or what he was supposed to do.
We saw each other once weekly, due to our schedules. He never once said he missed me.
After over 5 years, I asked him to consider moving in together, and he didn't want that, as he was happy seeing me once a week.
I suggested we break up, to which he didn't respond, but he did mention later that evening: "If we ever did break up, and started seeing other people, we could go on double-dates together." Which is NOT what a woman who has asked to share her life with you, wants to hear.
He kept inadvertently saying things that made it worse. I suggested we not contact each other for a few days after the breakup, wound up missing him, and called. He said he'd almost not answered the phone, because he'd gotten to a point where he felt like he could deal with being alone, and could get used to it again. He apologized the next day, but saying honest, yet hurtful things like that, kept hurting me and making me withdraw.
I've cried every week, pretty much over the last year, that he made only feeble, awkward, or completely non-existent attempts to contact me to discuss anything, or 'win' me back.
His birthday was recently, so I sent him an ecard after 7 months of no contact. Which has hurt me all over again, because it SEEMS that he's fine without me.
We both admitted we missed each other, and I don't feel like we ever talked things through.
Don't know if I'm improperly 'diagnosing' him as an Aspie.
I miss him, but think I deserve better. Although, if he is an Aspie, I wonder if we can talk things through.
I thought I made peace with us not being a couple, but guess I haven't. Help?
Many thanks for listening. -Shuvani
Shuvani,
It sounds like you've suffered quite a bit and that if you had understood what was going on at the time, things may have ended very differently.
I guess the questions to ask are; Have you been seeing anyone since you broke up? ...and has he?
You might find that he hasn't seen anyone. You were a part of his life which ended. He is probably sad about that but doesn't understand that that he could have changed it.
Depending upon his age and openness, he may or may not be ready to start working towards a different kind of life.
You will be able to influence him but you won't be able to "change" him. If you think you can live with that then he might be the one for you, if not, then it's best to move on.
When the man I love broke up with me, my world fell apart. I had gone to several casters and I got no results or insufficient ones. I found Dr. Lee and gave another try to retrieve my lover and restore the passionate relationship I had with him. I’m glad I did and trusted him. He performed a spiritual cleansing to banish negative energies and cast a love spell. After 3 days, the man I missed dearly started to call me and told me few days ago that he still loves me and wants to try again. Thank you Ancientfathersandmothers@gmail.com
This post really encouraged me. I have an aspie boyfriend who is planning to marry me next year and this explained a lot of turmoil I have gone through. Recently I went through the struggle of wanting to leave the relationship for a period of time for personal reasons, but I am terrified of the fact that he won't ever come after me. He already thinks he'd be doing me a favor to let me go even though he's the best thing that ever happened to me :)
Hello All,
I was widowed 17 months ago after 34 years of marriage and it took me 11 months to get my "sea legs" back and think about finding another love. I went online and met a man and fell head over heels. I noticed right away that he was a little "quirky" but we all have our own ways and I felt a bond with him, maybe because I had feel so unbelievably lonely and was glad I'd found a man who appeared interested in me. The first month was greath, though some of the things he said to me wounded me to the core ("I still love my second live-in girlfriend and talk to her and I'd do anything for her" and "My second live-in girlfriend was a 10! Yeah, she was a 10!" (I'm a 7 at best.) And he wouldn't understand why that was hurtful. He's ramble for 90 minutes about mountain climbing, his passion. I'd say something that was important to me and he'd answer with dead silence. Then my Mom died and it was a slow progression and I started having panic attacks, was diagnosed with caregiver PTSD (from my husband's battle with cancer), depression, anxiety (a family condition unfortunately). I broke up with this man because I couldn't take the extra pressure, the loneliness I actually felt WITH him. He never told me he had Asperger's but I figured it out, read about it online, and he had almost every one of the hallmarks/symptoms. For the month we were separated he emailed constantly and because I truly cared for and loved this man, because I missed him so desperately, I answered. He said he thought I threw away the opportunity to find true happiness. So I gave him another chance. Then he put conditions on it. Said he was too busy with work, his "activities" and his mother coming to visit for two weeks and said we'd have to wait 30 days to resume our relationship. WHAT??? You've been begging me, pleading with me, and when I agree, you think it's OK to just hold me off in a corner for 30 days? So I asked for a compromise - email or give me a quick call in the morning, call me at night and we'll meet for one hour once a week for coffee. On the second night he didn't call until 9:30pm but by that time I thought he'd blown me off again and when he did call I told him it was late and I was tired and good-night and I hung up. We blasted emails back and forth several times the next day. He didn't get it. I didn't get it. I called him crying asking him to please call me and he ignored the message. I am so devastated and I just can't seem to get past this. I wish he'd been honest enough to tell me about his condition because all along I thought I was unreasonable, needy, insecure to the max and I blamed myself for the failure. He also had trouble maintaining an erection during intercourse, but not during oral sex. He told me it was because he hadn't had sex in so long (although he'd recently broken up with a long-time girlfriend), or that it was because he was "out of shape." I don't know if he was lying to me or lying to himself. He was a very proud man and I think he was ashamed of his AS, but the wounds he left me with are worse than any I've ever had from anyone else. I just don't know how to get over him. I feel so sad.
This is so helpful. About 1 year ago, I met a man (31) who at first just came across as reserved, extremely intelligent, "polished", a bit eccentric, introspective, and...
In fact, "wired differently", was one of the first words I used to describe him in a seemingly neutral conversation we had. I was driving him home, and all of a sudden he started describing, with specific details, the traffic patterns, why certain drivers stay on a lane, how that related to their "aggressiveness" in driving...etc...he also knew exactly where some of the pot holes were, and just seemed to know that piece of the road like the back of his hand. I thought it was different, but interesting.
On another occasion, I picked him up for dinner and noticed that he was making a type of a "fist", while mildly and repetitively rubbing the inside of his index finger with his thumb. I thought "maybe he is a bit anxious with this date". Being my "chatty" self, I told him I had got an interview for a great position...it took him a few minutes to respond. Unknowingly, I looked at him smiling and said..."humm...please say something"...he did...he said "i'm just thinking here...how did you found this job. Does your current employer know that you're looking? I'm asking because i also want to change my job but don't know how I can do it..."
Most of the time, it was me trying to engage him without overwhelming. I managed to identify a few things that he was interested in and he would talk way more. I loved it when he talked. So intelligent and poised.
There were many other instances that made me think of the "wired differently" description, but never that he was an aspie (I still don't know for sure). He has a very statuesque and somewhat rigid posture. He sometimes stares a lot, but at unexpected things. Very perceptive (almost uncanny).
Nonetheless, I very much like this man. I would like to get closer while still respecting his "world". I too like my alone time, to the point that some of my friends have told me I'm a bit weird. I've managed to get in his world just a bit, that means...he talked...about things that matter to him (or bother him).
(more on next post)
(continued)
He's helped me with some PhD application things. I wrote my statements of purpose and he proofread and gave me feedback as well. He is so kind, and sensitive in his own way.
One of the things I appreciate the most, which I think is what "bothers" some people the most is the fact that he is BLUNT. COMPLETELY HONEST. Whether you can hear that and not take it personally is a different matter. I'll take direct honesty any day over "lies". I have my own reasons.
We dated for some time. Then we didn't date (no drama...we just stopped). We kept in touch throughout and he seems to like that I reach out to him.
Then...we went on another date. I know that he feels really comfortable around me, he enjoys the company...he wants to stay around even when I have to leave...BUT...then it's back to "withdrawal". He is so different face to face, than he is on phone/e-mail. He is extremely formal when he writes.
I finally told him...after ONE YEAR that I liked him and gave him a specific list of attributes as to the "why". He is very rational. We still talk...but all he said was "it's ok to be upset. We want different things. etc" And we still talk to this day...and he managed to give me some very meaningful compliments since then. I AM PUZZLED.
My question is...I have never asked him, or introduced the idea of Aspergers to him. Would it be completely out of line, or offensive if I approached it somehow? I'd love to be his friend, at least.
PS: he has been climbing at a rock gym for over 10 years. I have been at the same gym for about 1 year. He told me he doesn't know anyone at the gym. Never talked to anyone there. The other day, one of the people who work at the front desk, described him to me (different story for another day). She was very nice and respectful, but that's when I realized he may actually have Aspergers and it's not only me trying to come up with an excuse.
I apologize for the long entry and appreciate any feedback.
Me and my boyfriend (he's 16 and I'm 17) actually work out well. He's been diagnosed with Aspergers and told me about it the moment we started dating, thinking it would drive me off. He was mistaken since I have an older brother who has it too, so I'm relatively used to it. I'm lucky in that aspect though- but I guess in a way I'm not used to it in a relationship standpoint.
He's much better than what I've read on here. He seems to have put me in the center of his scheme of things, and is obsessive compulsive about talking to me- every single day- as we do home school together.
He's been abused by his father most his life, and taken for granted by many people- and says that he's never felt like this about anyone before- he was drawn to me, out of all the other people.
True, sometimes he can be a little inappropriate given the circumstances like I'll be showing him things that I know he likes and instead of paying attention to the picture itself he pays attention to the background like instead of commenting on me in the picture he's like LOL what's the person doing in the background. And im like did you even see me...or did you just look past me.
He's a complete gentlemen, he calls me his baby or baby girl all the time. Calls me by my nickname. He is sweet to the point it could have been straight out of a disney movie.
He doesn't talk to his friends anymore because he states that he's used to talking to me- he doesn't want to talk to them anymore.
He seems extremely happy too, happier than I ever remember seeing him.
I think he's got the mildest aspergers I've ever seen. And even though I have my own struggles, I try to support him as much as possible and try to look at him as a normal person- as my boyfriend- and not as somebody who suffers from aspergers.
To be honest, sometimes, I forget altogether.
He often says how he thinks god sent me to him, since he would always pray for somebody to come along.
He's had horrible girlfriends in the past. But he was never actually serious about them.
I found one of his comment's odd that how after he met me, he'd put my face over the current girlfriend's face because he was so scared to ask me out- afraid I would say no- that he would simply pretend the girls were me.
I felt sort of bad for the girlfriends.
I'm extremely sensitive though, which he likes because he doesn't know how to handle emotions and he likes the fact that I'm so emotional. He makes really cute comments- he makes me feel incredibly loved.
And it's funny because growing up with a neglectful family and a brother with aspergers- sometimes I think that even just a little affection that I get from someone- goes a loooong way for me.
He likes that he can sit down and share his world of video games with me since I'm such a gamer having been the only girl in a household of all boys. He says he often wishes it were just me and him and the whole world would disappear.
I try to give him as much of his world as possible, because honestly, he still reminds of a little kid at times- and I try to enjoy his own little world as much as possible.
I find that sharing things with him that he enjoys, makes good responses and it makes him feel like I listen to him. He even sometimes gets excited and will say "you remember me saying i liked this!"
we've been together for almost two years now.
eventually we hope to live together and have kids. at first he wasn't thrilled about kids.
Now he's been taking part of the naming process- he likes the name Logan.
Thanks very much for your blog, it was really helpful!
I need some advice on where to go with my current on and off aspie bf:
He seemed to be doing the thing you did before - that he couldnt juggle the time between workload from Uni, his time with friends/his own hobbies and me, and now he is completely shutting down on me.
After reading your blog I am wondering what is the best thing to do? Should I give him the space and time he needs, but is there any way to keep in touch if he is shutting down?
I don't know how long it will be, and how much it will takes, I am just puzzled. I still love him, but I don't know what to do now :(
Dear Gavin
Just after some advice. My husband shut down on me. He is an Aspie. It has been hard since we got married. I love him and I know he loves me too. It is just that I am finding it hard to come to understand how one minute, he could not live without me and hated me going to work. Now this? He has said that we can spend the weekend every other weekend when I don't have my daughter together. But that he can't do phone calls, text. I will get the odd text from him, but if I text him I am pressuring him. So confused. Do I walk away? Is he just mean and self centered? Or as you say, can't calculate time for me? When I'm at our old home, where he lives, he say's I make it warm. He acknowledges that I am everything he every wanted still. This has dragged on since early January and I am going mad, with grief, longing and feeling used. He hides that he loves me from his friends. Three months down, with no end in sight. Please, any advice
Thanks Danielle
I am so greatful to have read this blog. My boyfriend has Aspergers and I don't. This is all very new to me since he just told me about it a week ago and we have been dating for a year. A lot of it makes sense now. It has been a very hard road. I love him like crazy,but he just ended it with me in his own way (not calling, avoiding me). The hardest thing for me is that I always believed that because he wouldn't miss me and would forget me. That I would suffer through this break up all on my own. but now I see that this isn't necessarly the case.
I am so greatful to have read this blog. My boyfriend has Aspergers and I don't. This is all very new to me since he just told me about it a week ago and we have been dating for a year. A lot of it makes sense now. It has been a very hard road. I love him like crazy,but he just ended it with me in his own way (not calling, avoiding me). The hardest thing for me is that I always believed that because he wouldn't miss me and would forget me. That I would suffer through this break up all on my own. but now I see that this isn't necessarly the case.
My bf has Asperger's and he left extremely confused. Most days he seems so normal, especially in social situations, i find it hard to believe he actually is an Aspie.
But a few days ago, I got on the phone to my best friend soon after he came home from work; he started cooking. While very friendly a few minutes ago, all of a sudden, he started getting really irritated saying i was speaking too loud until i spoke in almost a whisper. But even after that he started becoming aggressive and poked me furiously telling me to get off the phone, which offended me (he'd never do anything violent before), so i ignored him. 10 minuted after i'd started speaking to my friend he eventually grabbed the phone out of my hand and said 'Go home. Leave. Now' (it was 11 p.m. and he knows it'd take me ~3 hours to get home). I was totally shocked ad on the verge of crying. He'd never done anything even similar to this before. Our relationship had been going so well - he'd always tell me he loves me and how beautiful I was and about how he loves me more than anything and how I was the only 1 who loved him like that too and kept bringing up me marrying him every few days (he's 24, I'm 21), told me how important taking my virginity was to him, help me with my work, spend a lot of money on me - up till that day. I know he was stressed (it was his 2nd day at new work, he is on bad terms with his family and best friend and he'd run out of anti-depressant medicine), but it was still to upsetting so, I got up to leave, since that's what he told me to do. He tried to stop me soudned apologetic for a sec, realised i'm still leaving,t hen said 'if you leave now, we're done' and i said 'in that case, yes we are. i'm not up for being treated like this' - he was very angry. 10 minutes after i'd left he sent me a text saying 'it's incredibly impolite to talk n the phone when someone's cooking for you. it made me realise you're too immature for this relationship. Don't reply to this, try to contact me or come to my house ever again. We're done'. and blocked me from facebook. (i know his previous gf was 20 years his senior, she cheated on him and he may not have got over her yet, so maybe that's why he keeps saying i'm immature i.e. comparing me to her, even though he's the immature/ unreasonable 1 here?)
Even though this break-up wasn't meant to happen and was just the heat of the moment, I know he's very stubborn, so he'll never contact me again and probably won't reply if i try to contact him. But I also know he loves me, i think, unless he's an incredibly good liar. What on earth was/ is going through his mind?? And what am i supposed to do now? I'm very distressed as he was my 1st and only relationship of 3 months, please help.
I had an on again, off again relationship with a bf whom I strongly suspect has asperger's. He was charming and very very honest when we first met, and his honesty really impressed me. Later on, he told me in a restaurant while having a romantic dinner, "You know, you have a beard and moustache". He was very unique and very focused on the things he loved. Many foods he wouldn't eat and he always cooked for me because everything had to be done a certain way. Only wanted to see me every 2 to 3 weeks or so but would get very upset and angry with me if I suggested that we just didn't seem right for one another. I felt a strong attachment of him for me, and I loved him so despite the frustration, I kept going back to him. But it was always so impossible, he was such a loner, had no friends, was very wrapped up in his job, didn't want me around on his days off, but would occasionally contact me to come over. I would constantly explain to him that I was much more social, and needed more contact and connection. He refused to speak on the phone to me, only contact was through texting. Very regimented, and had strict policies about things like water conservation. Said that I couldn't wear any make-up around him because of chemicals, but then he would smoke. So challenging, but he could be occasionally playful and I really respected his intelligence. But if I annoyed him he would withdraw completely and seem very mean and cold. I often felt like crying because of the way he treated me. He was quite insecure, and put me down quite a bit. I have told him we are done, and we last about a month before one of us contacts the other and we are back together for a short time. I just can't stand the thought of not being in his life but I hate myself for putting up with his crap. Not sure which of us has the bigger problem. I wish him well and want him to be happy, but I know that I will always be miserable with him. I wish that we could just be friends but he isn't interested in that at all. Its been very hard for three years now, I wish I could just walk away but I can't...I have only myself to blame.
I had an on again, off again relationship with a bf whom I strongly suspect has asperger's. He was charming and very very honest when we first met, and his honesty really impressed me. Later on, he told me in a restaurant while having a romantic dinner, "You know, you have a beard and moustache". He was very unique and very focused on the things he loved. Many foods he wouldn't eat and he always cooked for me because everything had to be done a certain way. Only wanted to see me every 2 to 3 weeks or so but would get very upset and angry with me if I suggested that we just didn't seem right for one another. I felt a strong attachment of him for me, and I loved him so despite the frustration, I kept going back to him. But it was always so impossible, he was such a loner, had no friends, was very wrapped up in his job, didn't want me around on his days off, but would occasionally contact me to come over. I would constantly explain to him that I was much more social, and needed more contact and connection. He refused to speak on the phone to me, only contact was through texting. Very regimented, and had strict policies about things like water conservation. Said that I couldn't wear any make-up around him because of chemicals, but then he would smoke. So challenging, but he could be occasionally playful and I really respected his intelligence. But if I annoyed him he would withdraw completely and seem very mean and cold. I often felt like crying because of the way he treated me. He was quite insecure, and put me down quite a bit. I have told him we are done, and we last about a month before one of us contacts the other and we are back together for a short time. I just can't stand the thought of not being in his life but I hate myself for putting up with his crap. Not sure which of us has the bigger problem. I wish him well and want him to be happy, but I know that I will always be miserable with him. I wish that we could just be friends but he isn't interested in that at all. Its been very hard for three years now, I wish I could just walk away but I can't...I have only myself to blame.
Oh my gosh, I relate to all of these messages. I don't know what the hold is, but it's unlike any other I've ever had. I miss my bf so much and am depressed and cry constantly. I don't want him back. I can't live like that again, always confused, feeling rejected, unimportant, invisible. But I miss him with all my heart. I can't seem to get past this although we broke up three times within 5 months and it's been a month since the last time. I saw his profile on the dating service where we met and he seems very chipper and that was so hurtful. I am in such misery and he's out there happily looking for a new love. It's devastating. Do we feel this way because it's the death of a dream? That we invested so much in trying to understand the differences between us, worked so hard to make a connection with a man who couldn't understand emotions? All I know is that this is incredibly painful and I'm so tired of feeling his loss.
To Feeling The Pain-
Please don't start doubting yourself. An Aspie e-friend of mine can't find a good word to say about any feature in my face - ever.I once won second place in a pageant and am still considered good-looking. He gushes compliments to other female e-friends who are nice, but nothing to go on about.... I found this carry-on very insulting, he told me "looks don't matter, it's personality and brains that's important"...yet sends me pics of celebrities he thinks are beauties and gushes about the great looks- of his friends and colleagues partners/wives. I have never in my life encountered such a man or attitude to my appearance...so don't think for a moment that you are a "7"...that reminds me of the song ' Two Out Of Three Aint Bad', it's offensive, and if that's how he feels that he should hold out for another "10" and you dear lady, should not stay around someone who will cause you to lose your self-respect and confidence. Because that is what happened to me and nobody is worth losing yourself for.Keep in mind that he is odd and so is his judgement of women.
What a sweet, supportive message. You really touched my heart. Thank you so much. I'm still up and down, still missing the man I wanted him to be, the person I saw glimpses of, his shadow self. When I pray I ask for the courage to release him, and that he find true happiness with someone else. I don't want to be angry but it would be a lot easier to let him go if I was. Maybe that's the hold: How can I be angry when I think he couldn't help treating me so poorly, all the while telling me he loved me and that the problems between us were all my fault. He was very good at turning the tables on me and I think often smug about it. Just so confusing.... Anyway, your message was a gift to me. Thank you again.
I found your problem
"I learned how to be the sort of person she wanted"
this is why I freaking hate relationships, because there will always be sacrifices. I ain't sacrificing me for a steady fuck.
But i am somewhat less social than other people :p
Feeling The Pain, Anonymous and everyone else out there who is in love with their Aspie man. You are not alone, you're not mad and don't be angry with yourselves for feeling sad to the core, lonely, distressed, and putting up with such treatment from your partner. I've been with mine for two and a half years now. I know he is an Aspie, possibly with some other mental issues, I'm not sure. He doesnt know I fel like this and probably doesnt even know what Aspergers is. I'm never going to mention it either. He lurches from being sweet and funny to being angry, offensive, completely uncaring (or so it seems) and very selfish. I know he cannot help any of this and I know that he is a good person. I know he cares for me deeply, in his own way. I've never felt anything like the emotions that I feel for him ever before, and this keeps me glued to him. The relationship has caused me anxiety, stress and depression. I met him whilst suffering from a nervous breakdown after being diagnosed with a degenerative brain disease after suffering a small stroke. He was so supporting and caring I couldnt believe my luck, but now he leaves me alone for days on end and says that my disease is all in my head and I've made it up. I've tried to leave so many times for my own sanity but he always comes after me so distraught saying he needs me and I end up going back, as I love him dearly. I even moved abroad to get away and he begged me to come back saying he loved me and needed me and we would live together and have a life. When I returned he admitted he didnt mean it and just said it to get me back into this country, even though he didnt want me full time, just when it suited him. I have accepted him as he is totally and just have to accept the fact that I will feel this way forever if I am to stay with him, or that one day I will be strong enough to leave, or that I will become more happy in myself and satisfied with my lot with him. Just accepting that has made me feel a bit better and has stopped the lurching, sickening bouts of emotion that I used to suffer every couple of weeks ago. Sometimes I feel lucky to have him in my life at all, because he pretty much cant stand to be around anybody else much at all. That, in itself, makes me feel happy sometimes.
Oh, forgot to mention - thank goodness for blogs like this. If I dont check on these every couple of months, I forget myself, get angry and resentful at him, expect thing s from him that I know he cannot deliver and then get depressed and want to leave. This reminds me that he does not mean to hurt me or cause upset in the relationship.
I totally and utterly agree with that. I think they are very chameleon like. The man I left was nothing like the guy I met in personality or showing love. I remember thinking once in the beginning that he was just copying what I'd said but in different words. I don't think it now. I know it!'n
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