Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Aspie Myths - "He Won't Miss Me"

I apologise for the excessive "male-orientated" viewpoint in this post. I tried to keep it neutral but somehow, it just works better when explained from a male viewpoint.

Here's a phrase that I've seen repeated throughout the comments on this blog on several occasions;

"I know that he won't miss me when I'm gone because he's aspie"

Today, we're going to (try to) bust that myth;

I'll start off with a reminder that everyone is an individual. If all aspies were completely alike and predictible, they'd be a stereotype but they're not. Each is shaped by their background, their upbringing, their beliefs and their local customs.

An aspie who grew up with loud abusive parents has a reasonable chance of becoming loud and abusive themselves because in some cases, that's all they know. That's how they think adults are supposed to behave. In other cases, aspies who grew up in those circumstances do a complete about-face and say "I'm not going to be like my parents"

A lot of aspie behaviour comes down to personality and individual choice.

Some aspies choose to be good mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends while others choose to be angry, abusive, controlling or simply aloof and untouchable.

It's not the aspie condition that drives the choice.

Different Types of Expression
It's commonly stated that dogs have owners while cats have staff.

It's believed that dogs are caring creatures because they whine when you leave them and jump around excitedly when you get home. Dogs seem to want to be with you while cats often seem to have specific objectives, like food or a brush, in mind.

Sure, there are some dogs and cats which break the mould. Some dogs obviously prefer their own company while some cats are amazingly sociable. These are exceptions - and the rest are the "stereotypes".

I'm ready for the deluge of complaints from cat owners.

It's not really like that though is it? Cat owners will tell you that their feline friends are just as happy to see them as dogs are. It's just that cats express in a different way.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

NTs are Actors, Aspies are thinkers
Aspies express in different ways too.

Your typical lovestruck neurotypical boyfriend will behave like a dog. He'll call you constantly, he'll buy you flowers, gifts and chocolate. He will come around to your house late at night and yowl like a cat and he'll constantly shower you with words and gestures of affection.

Wow, awesome... you must really be loved...

Except, that these guys are putting on a well rehearsed show. When they get sick of you, they simply move on to the next target and put on the same type of show. It's not unique or individual. It's just the way they show their love. Some are sincere and some are not - but the "show" is always the same.

In contrast, the aspie boyfriend is very much a thinker. To him, everything has its place and he'll try not to monopolise your time. He may be so cautious about hurting your feelings that it feels like the relationship is going nowhere because he doesn't say the words you expect to hear. Sometimes, particularly when you're hammering him with questions, he answers truthfully and discovers that you hate him for it.

Just as there is no correct answer to "do I look fat in this dress?", there is no correct answer to, "do you want to stay just friends or are we more than that?"

Aspie men will often ponder the depth of their love and friendship for hours yet when they come to talk about it, it comes out all garbled and offensive.

I know some aspies who frequently say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - their girlfriends. They don't realise that the truth really can hurt. In one case, I have a friend who is no longer with his girlfriend and yet while I'm sure she's mostly forgotten about him not a day goes by when I can't tell that he's still "burning up". She's been on his mind constantly for years even though she's out of the picture.

If that isn't love, then I don't know what is.

Honour vs Wants
I've told this story before though I'm not sure in how much detail. It's a story which I think gives an understanding of how an aspie can miss and can love someone while still giving the wrong impression. It's my story;

Before I was married, When I was going out with my wife, I started to panic about my priorities. I found that I simply couldn't juggle my work and university committments with a social life.

I tried to go out once per week and I had an all male group of friends who competed for that once per week spot.

My girlfriend was keen for a more frequent relationship. She hassled me for more time and would often ask me where we would be in a certain number of years. I tried to answer honestly, taking into consideration that she would say "in two years" when I was only part-way through a six year degree.

My answers did not impress her and she continued asking them hoping for better answers.

In the end, we broke up.

I couldn't afford the time and I really couldn't concentrate on so many things at once. I could tell that she wanted more and I knew that I wasn't in a position to give it.

I didn't want her to go but I thought I was doing a noble thing by letting her go. I didn't chase her because I thought it wouldn't allow her to leave in a dignified manner. I made a huge personal sacrifice by letting the most important part of my life leave.

I thought I was doing the right thing.

She didn't think so. She didn't appreciate it for the sacrifice that it was. I didn't communicate my pain because I thought that would make it more difficult for her.

Isn't that what the hero always does in movies?

For the next year, I burned inside. I thought of her often but didn't call. I wasn't going to pass my pain on.

When she finally did get in touch with me and told me that she'd found someone else - it hurt. I sat there listening to her telling me how great this person was and how he saw her almost every night - compared to my paltry once-per-week.

I acted happy for her but really I felt sick inside.

Still, I went on being a "hero" for her. I suffered in silence for her.

It was only when she came to me and told me about being mistreated by her boyfriend that I changed. I'd learned that the relationship was a bad one and I no longer had any qualms about breaking it up.

I asked her to go out with me instead.

...and she hesitated...

It really, really tore me up. All that time when I was suffering, I thought that I was doing the best thing for her but as it turned out, I wasn't considered much more highly than the abusive boyfriend.

In fact, I ended up having to compete with that abusive boyfriend for her attention (and fortuantely I won).

In the process, I learned from what she'd told me of his behaviour. I learned how to be the sort of person she wanted.

It was horrid experience but I think it was something I needed to learn.

The way forward for me was to change my life to fit her in and surprisingly - my university grades actually improved. I think that my lonely year of self-pity and suffering had actually done my work more harm than good.

The funny thing is; even today, she's still completely unaware of just how much I missed her.


Clarissa said...

First of all, there is no "male viewpoint." :-) It just doesn't exist anywhere in the world except crappu TV shows like "Sex and the City."

Second, when you described the typical Aspie boyfriend who says "the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to" their current or former partner, I definitely recognized myself. As a female Aspie, I always have and always will behave just like that. I do realize, of course, that the way society works right now, it is much easier to do those things as an attractive woman than as a man. So I think your post makes several important points.

Good job! Your blog surely does make a difference.

jeremy said...

As ever, you hit the nail on the head. I am often told that people don't realise that I care about them, whereas I know inside that I have tremendous love and loyalty to my family and friends. It is so hard to explain this discrepnacy to people who are not autistic, as a lot of people think that it is easy to 'put on an act' of affection.
I sometimes feel as if there is a mental block that stops me doing things that seem false, even when I know that people expect them (and even when it is not false that I can love and miss someone). I think that by false I mean 'not matching up with my emotions at the exact moment that people expect me to say or do something'.

The Rambling Taoist said...

I think you've made a critical point in this post (and you've done it before): It is very difficult to illustrate a general aspie viewpoint. Like NTs, each aspie is unique. While many of us share tendencies, these tendencies are filtered through our own individual experiences.

I can relate well to your example of dating your future wife. When my future wife (Della) and I were dating, she was often a bit peeved at my devotion to my grandparents. If we had a date planned and my grandmother called to say she needed some assistance, I would postpone the date, much to Della's dismay.

Like you, we broke up for a while. I kept to myself which Della took to mean I was no longer interested. Of course, she couldn't have been more wrong. Like you & your wife, we were fortunate to move happily beyond that episode.

Still, we enjoy a very atypical marriage (e.g., we sleep in different rooms on different floors) and most of these oddities are a direct result of my unique aspie personality.

Anonymous said...

Clarissa, no YOU are wrong. There can, most definitely, be a male point of view, often influenced by social mores. You are merely taking a 'politically correct' stance on Gavin's comment. I believe he meant from his own male Aspie viewpoint anyway. It was implicit.

Can any of the Aspie male participants shed light on one thing? How, then, do you express your love or desire or like for an NT, who is likely to be influenced by her own cultural definitions, and/or media-concocted ones, of how to express affection?

The abundance of 'He's Not That Into You' style books on how to look for the clues and signs are a perfect example how rigid our views of love can be.

Thanks, Waterloo

I really enjoy this blog. I've never felt compelled to participate in one before. Thank you Gavin!

Anonymous said...

"...I know some aspies who frequently I know some aspies who frequently say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - their girlfriends..."

Those poor girlfriends. Why do they stay with people who do things that hurt them?

Did someone accuse them of anti-aspie discrimination for not wanting to keep dating people who frequently say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - them?

Are some of these girlfriends from cultures with "stop crying about loneliness!!! shut up and study!!!" customs? Did someone accuse them of selling out to the West and being frivolous for caring about social skills instead of lying back and thinking about the men being good providers?

Are some of these girlfriends Aspie themselves? Did someone accuse them of betraying their people and selling out to NTs for caring about their self-respect instead of lying back and thinking about neurodiversity?

Serena said...

It's so very easy to have a misunderstanding in a relationship whether it is male/female, female, female, male/male, aspie/NT, aspie/aspie or NT/NT. Since we are all different and everything is open to interpretation from out own individual point of view.

Good communication can help, which is where adding an aspie or two into the mix can make things very tricky.

I am in an aspie/aspie relationship. He is somewhat non-verbal. He is Aussie and I am American. We are pregnant, six weeks along.

He has been saying and doing things that I was interpreting as him not wanting the baby. Naturally I was upset so I went in another room and quit talking to him. Hours later he came to where I was and tried to pay my shoulder and I said, "Don't ever touch me again."

He took off, out of the house and into the streets of the Sydney suburbs. Eventually I ended up in the bedroom to find little notes he was writing to himself about all the questions he had. He was afraid and he worried that when the baby comes he won't be good enough.

But the main thing, the thing that led him to say and do the things that I interpreted as him not wanting the baby, was his inability to deal with the idea that this baby could hurt me, damage me, or kill me, which is exacerbated by the fact that I am 44, this is my first and I have a medical condition that could put both my life and the life of the baby in danger.

I had been feeling willing to just walk away from him when his real concern had been about me all along.

I guess my point, in this long comment, is that we shouldn't ever assume what someone else is feeling, especially when it is someone who is unable to express themselves well.

Thanks. I extend my continued appreciation for your blog.

Anonymous said...

My Aspie boyfriend and I have fallen out - over what is, I believe, an enormous miscommunication. I have tried contacting him and he rarely replies. I invited him out and he hasn't replied to my email.

I'd like to think he is 'burning inside' for me and is simply unable to communicate that, but what I actually think is that he simply doesn't care. He's done.

Unless he gives me a chance to ask him, meet him and chat with him, I will never know. And he's not giving me that chance.

superlala said...

Helllo- u have no idea how happy i am to have found this blog. I have been married to an Aspie man for almost 5 years and i just recently found out that he has it.
i want to make this marriage work, but it can be very difficult to communicate with him, especially when we disagree or i am trying to explain how i feel about something. what are some communication tips?

This has been very emotional for me because i have felt like i was crazy and that he didn't love me

Tom said...

I have a 7 year old aspie & two other NT boys. You make a lot of great points, great blog. I will with out a doubt stop back in to read again.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, you bring your own - likely American - view and judgment on possible reasons why NT women stay with Aspie men. I think this comment explains your own preconceived ideas:

"Did someone accuse them of selling out to the West and being frivolous for caring about social skills instead of lying back and thinking about the men being good providers?"

It is my understanding that - statistically - an overwhelming majority of Aspies are, in fact, westerners. And white.

If you can, get hold of a movie called Mary and Max. It's outstanding. Google it.

There is a pure innocence about Aspies that makes being with them intoxicating: in my experience, they do not judge. They do not deliberately set out to hurt anyone. Their motives and intentions are pure - albeit unrefined, unpolished. They are not jaded, consumerist or materialistic. They are not fixated on keeping up with the neighbors. They care not about celebrity culture, pop psychiatry and the latest trend. Life is pared down for them.

A capitalist, consumerist woman who has grown up watching Oprah pontificate about what is an 'acceptable expression of love', who has watched the Tom Cruise baffoonery of jumping on a sofa to express his public love for Katie, who watches all the diamond ring 'let her know how much you love her' commerials on TV and who has watched too many rom coms and Hallmark movies will not easily accept an Aspie in her life because her head will be filled with propaganda. And some incredibly beautiful people will escape her notice because she is waiting for the guy with the biggest expressions of attention and affection.

There is abuse, and there is honesty. Some people cannot differentiate. And lots of women buy into the consumerist myth.

Anonymous said...

Hi Gavin. It's Waterloo.

I met up with my ex today. His demeanor was serene, even content, I'd say. I should explain that I've known him 2 years. We dated a short while and he ended it saying he didn't want to be in a relationship. We lost touch and became intense friends again about 8 months later. Then, after about 4 months, we started dating again. At the time he said he had never stopped thinking of me and that he's had plenty of time to reflect. That he will never find anyone more perfect for him. But two weeks ago he ended it saying again - after I ASKED HIM if he was happy carrying on in a relationship with me – he did not feel as passionately for me as I do him.

I asked him today if he thought he was in the Asperger spectrum. He said 'Yes'. I asked if he measured his feelings for me against what he has felt in the past for someone else or against what he believes I feel, and he said against what he has felt for someone else. I asked if it was his ex K, and he said 'probably'. He'd have said 'NO' if it wasn't her, right? Previously, he had told me that she was not the right person for him - she wanted kids, lived abroad and was a Christian.

I asked if he was happy with the decision he made in ending it. He said 'Yes'. He said he is happier on his own, yet he's been maried before, has a child and has had one other relationship I know of. He also said he felt I had pressured him into having a relationship with him because it was what I wanted. He said he felt he had to try a second time. He said I should go away and date someone else so I can see he is not such a nice person after all.

I'd like to think he's really burning inside and merely hindered by his Aspie tendencies, and bitterly disappointed it didn't work out and that it has decimated our friendship and me. I'd like to think I meant something to him. We were mates after all and spent an inordinate amount of time together.

Instead, I'll go away and lick my wounds, knowing that, Aspie or not, I simply meant nothing to him.

Thanks for your blog posts

Anonymous said...

"Anonymous, you bring your own - likely American - view and judgment on possible reasons why NT women stay with Aspie men. I think this comment explains your own preconceived ideas:

"'Did someone accuse them of selling out to the West and being frivolous for caring about social skills instead of lying back and thinking about the men being good providers?'..."

I'm Asian-American and I've had to put up with some of that pressure from some of my relatives to behave in ways some other people describe as Aspie.

"...A capitalist, consumerist woman who has grown up watching Oprah pontificate about what is an 'acceptable expression of love', who has watched the Tom Cruise baffoonery of jumping on a sofa to express his public love for Katie, who watches all the diamond ring 'let her know how much you love her' commerials on TV and who has watched too many rom coms and Hallmark movies will not easily accept an Aspie in her life because her head will be filled with propaganda..."

News flash: some people have preferred extroverted behavior since thousands of years before Oprah was born and Hallmark was founded.

"...And some incredibly beautiful people..."

Incredibly beautiful *to whom*? If she's passing them up, chances are they're not incredibly beautiful to her in the first place.

"...will escape her notice because she is waiting for the guy with the biggest expressions of attention and affection..."

What's wrong with different people having different sexual preferences and some women (and some men too!) actually preferring bigger expressions of attention and affection?

Nobody *owes* someone else sex and romance. No means no, and you always deserve the right to refuse a sexual encounter you don't want.

Therefore, it's not unfair for a woman to have preferences that don't easily accept behavior more common among people diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome into the most intimate parts of her life, and that's OK!

No doubt you have some preferences too, even preferences that make you not easily accept certain other behaviors into nthe most important parts of your life, and that's OK too!

Anonymous said...

Also, in my post where I said "Did someone accuse them of selling out to the West and being frivolous for caring about social skills instead of lying back and thinking about the men being good providers?" I obviously wasn't talking about "possible reasons why NT women stay with Aspie men" *in general*.

I made it clear that I was responding to the statement "I know some aspies who frequently say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - their girlfriends..." by quoting that immediately before I said the rest of my post.

The rest of my post began with "Those poor girlfriends. Why do they stay with people who do things that hurt them?" This obviously *doesn't* include *other* NT women, who *aren't* those poor girlfriends mentioned in what I quoted, who stay with Aspie men.

For starters, no doubt some *other* Aspie men and Aspie women, who *aren't* the Apsies mentioned in what I quoted, *don't* say the most inappropriate and offensive things about - and to - their girlfriends and boyfriends in the first place! :)

Anonymous said...

"...Instead, I'll go away and lick my wounds, knowing that, Aspie or not, I simply meant nothing to him..."

Rthat it's not even calling him a bad boyfriend (even if someone else accuses you of doing that) when you go lick your wounds! It's calling recognizing that having him for a boyfriend is *bad for you* even though he still could turn out to be a good boyfriend *for someone else*.

You don't shouldn't have to keep dating someone just because someone else who doesn't have the same preferences as you do tells you that he or she is "intoxicating" or whatever. Nobody should have to!

Anonymous said...

To Anonymous (there are so many), this is precisely what I don't understand about the Aspie condition:

"It's recognizing that having him for a boyfriend is *bad for you* even though he still could turn out to be a good boyfriend *for someone else*"

He struggles with relationships, intimacy, physical contact. He, like so many of the men who have been described on this site, also struggled with intercourse. Everything was fine, and he maintained an erection and was comfortable with oral sex, but would lose his erection on approaching intercourse.

Why, then, was this not the case with his previous girlfriend but it is the case with me. He said that I sometimes make him uncomfortable.

I have honestly never felt so rejected and unappealing as I do at the moment. I realise I must not take any of this personally but I can't NOT take it personality.

He admitted he believes he is an Aspie, so then would the emotional issues not manifest themselves with all the women he has relationships with or were they particularly acute with me?

Gavin, if you possibly can, please try to explain this to me. I am already so bereft and wounded, you could not possibly wound me any more. I want to understand what's happened. I feel as if I've been caught in a twister.

Thank you, Waterloo

Gavin Bollard said...


There is nothing ever quite like a first love. It's the same as the first time you drink a coke or the first time you taste chocolate. You can spend your whole life chasing that first taste but you'll never ever get it back.

The reason? It's all about setting your expectations.

It's the same with films. A sequel could be better in so many ways than the original but the audience usually won't think so. If you look at the films where the sequel is considered better, they are not only vastly better films - they're also very, very different.

Love is the same, smiles and kisses are the same. Everything pales in comparison with the first - even though it's probably an overall better experience.

For most people, you can simply get them to "let go" of their past. They can "forget" a little - and move on. For aspies however, it's quite a different thing. We often remember everything. How we felt at the time, textures, sights and sounds. Even worse, our minds are often analytical and constantly make comparisons for us whether we want to or not.

Don't feel sad that you can't stir in your man the sorts of feelings that he remembers. It's not your fault at all. It's the fault of his expectations.

He needs to learn that the goal he seeks is now unattainable and that it's unfair to hold you to such an impossible benchmark.

Anonymous said...


"It's recognizing that having him for a boyfriend is *bad for you* even though he still could turn out to be a good boyfriend *for someone else*"

isn't just about the Aspie condition, it's about the *human* condition no matter if a human being is Aspie or NT or something else.

Nobody can be a good boyfriend for absolutely anyone who wants a boyfriend! Nobody can be a good girlfriend for absolutely anyone who wants a girlfriend!

"I have honestly never felt so rejected and unappealing as I do at the moment. I realise I must not take any of this personally but I can't NOT take it personality."

I totally understand that you can't NOT take it personally either! I also can't promise that you will be romantically accepted and sexually appealing to another man, because I'm a woman myself and I can't make a man keep that promise for me (like how some people have insisted me that there's a guy out there for me, but none of them asked me out themselves).

I *can* say that you are a worthwhile human being! Being rejected by, and being unappealing to, that guy doesn't mean you're a bad person! Even if you're not the person your ex wants to date, it's *still* entirely *possible* that you'll find someone else who is both attracted to you and who attracts you himself!

Even if you turn out to be like me (nobody who attracts me is attracted to me and vice versa), you still deserve *better* than having to put up with being in a bad relationship (and while being in a good relationship can feel better than being single, being single can still feel a ton better than being in a bad relationship)!

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Gavin. I'm pleased to have found this blog. It's been immensely helpful to my understanding. Just wish you could do something about the anguish :-(


Anonymous said...

Gavin, I've been reading your blog on and off since 09 and as an NT in love with an Aspie, it has helped me see things in another way (maybe even his?). This topic in particular got me as we've fought over his mentioning his exes. It seems to me he's obsessed with them and since he can form resentments easily, my saying I'm hurt and worried that he cares for them more has created tension.

What, to an Aspie, is reminiscing, a triggered memory, and an obsession a current GF should worry about?

Anonymous said...

"Except, that these guys are putting on a well rehearsed show. When they get sick of you, they simply move on to the next target and put on the same type of show. It's not unique or individual. It's just the way they show their love. Some are sincere and some are not - but the "show" is always the same."

The difference here is that when the NT man decides to stay he doesnt change these behaviours towards the one he loves...he still shows her he loves her.

An Aspie man on the other hand puts on this same show. He does what hes seen on TV and in the movies and in general life around him and hides his real quirks and behaviours...until he marries you that is. then it all comes crashing out of him. And you are trapped...and fooled...and devasted.
At least thats my experience. Dated 5 and a half yrs...knowing he was Aspie but loving his little quirks and differences and helping him through many things but then I married him...and he got distant...and nasty...and quirkier...and sex stopped...and he told me when I asked where my BF went "I dont know. Im comfortable now. Get used to it coz this is me."
Yeah...thats my experience and that of the hundreds of other women on the TWO support groups for wives of Aspies Im on. There are medical papers written about it.
So...no offense to Aspies (I worked with kids with Aspergers and have friends with it too who I love dearly)...but its not NT men who do the most acting during courtship. Its men with AS.

Anonymous said...

"Anonymous said...
My Aspie boyfriend and I have fallen out - over what is, I believe, an enormous miscommunication. I have tried contacting him and he rarely replies. I invited him out and he hasn't replied to my email.

I'd like to think he is 'burning inside' for me and is simply unable to communicate that, but what I actually think is that he simply doesn't care. He's done.

Unless he gives me a chance to ask him, meet him and chat with him, I will never know. And he's not giving me that chance."

I dated a guy for almost 3 months.I broke it off with him, and I'm starting to think it probably was due to miscommunication. He tried to call me quite a bit, but I never answered. At the time I was just in to much pain. There has not been a day over the last 3.5 months that I have not thought of him or cried over the loss of him. Don't think that he doesn't think of you. It's possible that he doesn't, but it is also possible that he does very much and just doesn't know what to do or he thinks to much time has past.

NT Girl said...

My bf and I had a similar experience. I wasn't in an abusive relationship but I was with someone else who was completely wrong with me but I was so bent on getting affection that I didn't care. After our year of being apart, he got back with me and you're right, I have no idea how much he missed me. Reading this proved that he did though. I'm happy we went through it. He gets mad when people say that he "doesn't seem to care" but he's an Aspie AND he has puppy dog eyes so he always looks sad when he's just thinking, poor thing.

Anonymous said...

Hi Gavin,
Do you know any divorced Aspie?
How did they cope with the divorce?
Did it take a long time for them to move on? Or did they ever move on?
If they did, how are they with their new mate now?
Is their previous relationship affects their current relationship?

My boyfriend is an Aspie, I'm totally in love with him.
He was married before for over 8 years, he married at very young age(He's now 31, and I'm 30). He got divorced about 1 year a go. He said his ex-wife left him for another man, and took all of their savings with her. They have no kids.

We had started to get serious & talk about marriage lately, and he even gave me a certain time-frame in his mind.

But somehow, I feel uncertain about it. I feel clueless. The problem is:

1) I often found him ranting about his ex-wife, even cursing her in front of everybody. From the frequency, seems like either he really hates her, or he still loves her & hasn't over her yet.

2) I feel like a yo-yo emotionally. He'd toss me & take me back over & over again. I don't know how to make him understand about how I feel. I did try to tell him several times, but he seems like doesn't care, or doesn't have a clue about what he did.
In the beginning, he was very intense in getting in touch with me (I live abroad & we're doing long-distance relationship). But now he seem to changed. There are days when he would refuse to answer my calls or reply my emails, and prefer to talk to me (and his friends) through Twitter instead (especially during & following his frequent meltdowns).
When he does answer my calls or doing video chat with me, he's often busy "multi-tasking" with his work, but at the same time he kept on talking about meeting me (he's coming to see me in April, so he said), planning our future together, having me by his side, etc.

I love this man, and truly wish we can make this work together, but I dont/cant understand him.
During his "silent" days, he'd literally talk to the whole world on twitter, except me. That's often the only way I could keep up with what's going on with him.

And then when he's back in the "talking" mood, he'd shower me with all the sweet words & make me feel like I'm the center of his world again.

With the way he treats me now (shutting me out & pulling me back in repeatedly), I doubt if we can end up having a great time together when we meet in April, let alone end up in staying together in marriage.

The more I think about us, the more I feel miserable. I've hopes for us, but I've doubts too.


Trey Smith said...

I'll take a shot at this since I'm an Aspie who divorced and then remarried.

How did I cope with my divorce from my first wife? Not very well! While any divorce involves mistakes made by both parties, I now realize that most of the mistakes were made by me (though I certainly didn't see it that way at the time).

My biggest problem in terms of ALL my romantic relationships, including the one with my ex-wife, is that, as two people interact with each other, it impacts both individuals and they both change somewhat. I have great difficulty with change and, when the relationship changed naturally, I didn't know how to deal with it. So, I dealt with the change badly!

In time, I met someone new (my current wife of 27 years), but I put her through hell for our courtship period and the first 7 years or so of our marriage. Part of the problem was that I kept reliving my first failure and I decided that this second relationship would fail too! I also had a great deal of trouble when the natural changes came to our relationship.

The fact that my wife Della & I have been married for 27 years (and we're still going strong) is a testament to her, not me. She refused to give up on this strange fellow she married and it is her compassion and patience that allowed our relationship to navigate through troubled waters and come out the other side remarkably unscathed.

Her love for me and devotion to our relationship has helped me to turn the corner, so to speak. I know that I'm still not the easiest person to live with, but I am now able to do a better job holding up my end of our partnership. I am a better person today because of her!

Kas said...

One thing that my aspie husband and I have always done is the "good-bye kiss" and saying "I love you". When we started dating he said that he didn't want to start doing irrelevant goodbyes and affection, but I stuck with it, now its a habit. Whenever one of us leaves the other we give a kiss and say I love you. If we didn't I don't know when we would say it, accept for when we are having a discussion(fight). It reassures me the NT and it doesn't let him forget the little affections that I feel are important.

Anonymous said...

Hello all, reading this post + all your comments has been most helpful.

I believe my ex-boyfriend is an Aspie. A friend repeatedly suggested that he was one, based on some stories I'd told her, like:
My ex recounted when he was 5, he gave his teacher a present; she went to hug him, and he RAN to the other side of the room. Also, his mother would tuck him in at night as a child, and tell him she loved him. He could never bring himself to respond back.

After I researched 'Aspergers and affection', I sat there for hours, crying, because everything sounded so familiar.
My boyfriend was in his early 30's when I met him, and I was the first girl he'd ever kissed. He said he never could tell if a girl was interested in him.

He was the most intelligent, funny, childlike, sweet, thoughtful, articulate and kind man I'd ever dated. Also the most awkward, gawky and goofy, albeit in a funny way.

He was very stable, worked at the same company for ten years, visited his parents once a week. Once when we were first dating, he left my friends' wedding reception to go watch football with his parents, which he did every Sunday, and which astounded me.

His lack of affection could be exasperating. Even after 5 years, he would almost never initiate a hug. I remember once when I sobbed over a traumatic event. Although he sat next to me, he made no move to comfort me, put his arm around me, or hold me.

Sometimes, when I'd hug him or cuddle with him, he'd make odd little goofy noises. I asked him why he did that, and he said he wasn't sure how to respond, when I touched him, or what he was supposed to do.

We saw each other once weekly, due to our schedules. He never once said he missed me.

After over 5 years, I asked him to consider moving in together, and he didn't want that, as he was happy seeing me once a week.
I suggested we break up, to which he didn't respond, but he did mention later that evening: "If we ever did break up, and started seeing other people, we could go on double-dates together." Which is NOT what a woman who has asked to share her life with you, wants to hear.

He kept inadvertently saying things that made it worse. I suggested we not contact each other for a few days after the breakup, wound up missing him, and called. He said he'd almost not answered the phone, because he'd gotten to a point where he felt like he could deal with being alone, and could get used to it again. He apologized the next day, but saying honest, yet hurtful things like that, kept hurting me and making me withdraw.

I've cried every week, pretty much over the last year, that he made only feeble, awkward, or completely non-existent attempts to contact me to discuss anything, or 'win' me back.

His birthday was recently, so I sent him an ecard after 7 months of no contact. Which has hurt me all over again, because it SEEMS that he's fine without me.

We both admitted we missed each other, and I don't feel like we ever talked things through.
Don't know if I'm improperly 'diagnosing' him as an Aspie.

I miss him, but think I deserve better. Although, if he is an Aspie, I wonder if we can talk things through.
I thought I made peace with us not being a couple, but guess I haven't. Help?

Many thanks for listening. -Shuvani

Gavin Bollard said...


It sounds like you've suffered quite a bit and that if you had understood what was going on at the time, things may have ended very differently.

I guess the questions to ask are; Have you been seeing anyone since you broke up? ...and has he?

You might find that he hasn't seen anyone. You were a part of his life which ended. He is probably sad about that but doesn't understand that that he could have changed it.

Depending upon his age and openness, he may or may not be ready to start working towards a different kind of life.

You will be able to influence him but you won't be able to "change" him. If you think you can live with that then he might be the one for you, if not, then it's best to move on.

Anonymous said...

When the man I love broke up with me, my world fell apart. I had gone to several casters and I got no results or insufficient ones. I found Dr. Lee and gave another try to retrieve my lover and restore the passionate relationship I had with him. I’m glad I did and trusted him. He performed a spiritual cleansing to banish negative energies and cast a love spell. After 3 days, the man I missed dearly started to call me and told me few days ago that he still loves me and wants to try again. Thank you Ancientfathersandmothers@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

This post really encouraged me. I have an aspie boyfriend who is planning to marry me next year and this explained a lot of turmoil I have gone through. Recently I went through the struggle of wanting to leave the relationship for a period of time for personal reasons, but I am terrified of the fact that he won't ever come after me. He already thinks he'd be doing me a favor to let me go even though he's the best thing that ever happened to me :)

Feeling the Pain said...

Hello All,

I was widowed 17 months ago after 34 years of marriage and it took me 11 months to get my "sea legs" back and think about finding another love. I went online and met a man and fell head over heels. I noticed right away that he was a little "quirky" but we all have our own ways and I felt a bond with him, maybe because I had feel so unbelievably lonely and was glad I'd found a man who appeared interested in me. The first month was greath, though some of the things he said to me wounded me to the core ("I still love my second live-in girlfriend and talk to her and I'd do anything for her" and "My second live-in girlfriend was a 10! Yeah, she was a 10!" (I'm a 7 at best.) And he wouldn't understand why that was hurtful. He's ramble for 90 minutes about mountain climbing, his passion. I'd say something that was important to me and he'd answer with dead silence. Then my Mom died and it was a slow progression and I started having panic attacks, was diagnosed with caregiver PTSD (from my husband's battle with cancer), depression, anxiety (a family condition unfortunately). I broke up with this man because I couldn't take the extra pressure, the loneliness I actually felt WITH him. He never told me he had Asperger's but I figured it out, read about it online, and he had almost every one of the hallmarks/symptoms. For the month we were separated he emailed constantly and because I truly cared for and loved this man, because I missed him so desperately, I answered. He said he thought I threw away the opportunity to find true happiness. So I gave him another chance. Then he put conditions on it. Said he was too busy with work, his "activities" and his mother coming to visit for two weeks and said we'd have to wait 30 days to resume our relationship. WHAT??? You've been begging me, pleading with me, and when I agree, you think it's OK to just hold me off in a corner for 30 days? So I asked for a compromise - email or give me a quick call in the morning, call me at night and we'll meet for one hour once a week for coffee. On the second night he didn't call until 9:30pm but by that time I thought he'd blown me off again and when he did call I told him it was late and I was tired and good-night and I hung up. We blasted emails back and forth several times the next day. He didn't get it. I didn't get it. I called him crying asking him to please call me and he ignored the message. I am so devastated and I just can't seem to get past this. I wish he'd been honest enough to tell me about his condition because all along I thought I was unreasonable, needy, insecure to the max and I blamed myself for the failure. He also had trouble maintaining an erection during intercourse, but not during oral sex. He told me it was because he hadn't had sex in so long (although he'd recently broken up with a long-time girlfriend), or that it was because he was "out of shape." I don't know if he was lying to me or lying to himself. He was a very proud man and I think he was ashamed of his AS, but the wounds he left me with are worse than any I've ever had from anyone else. I just don't know how to get over him. I feel so sad.

Anonymous said...

This is so helpful. About 1 year ago, I met a man (31) who at first just came across as reserved, extremely intelligent, "polished", a bit eccentric, introspective, and...

In fact, "wired differently", was one of the first words I used to describe him in a seemingly neutral conversation we had. I was driving him home, and all of a sudden he started describing, with specific details, the traffic patterns, why certain drivers stay on a lane, how that related to their "aggressiveness" in driving...etc...he also knew exactly where some of the pot holes were, and just seemed to know that piece of the road like the back of his hand. I thought it was different, but interesting.

On another occasion, I picked him up for dinner and noticed that he was making a type of a "fist", while mildly and repetitively rubbing the inside of his index finger with his thumb. I thought "maybe he is a bit anxious with this date". Being my "chatty" self, I told him I had got an interview for a great position...it took him a few minutes to respond. Unknowingly, I looked at him smiling and said..."humm...please say something"...he did...he said "i'm just thinking here...how did you found this job. Does your current employer know that you're looking? I'm asking because i also want to change my job but don't know how I can do it..."

Most of the time, it was me trying to engage him without overwhelming. I managed to identify a few things that he was interested in and he would talk way more. I loved it when he talked. So intelligent and poised.

There were many other instances that made me think of the "wired differently" description, but never that he was an aspie (I still don't know for sure). He has a very statuesque and somewhat rigid posture. He sometimes stares a lot, but at unexpected things. Very perceptive (almost uncanny).

Nonetheless, I very much like this man. I would like to get closer while still respecting his "world". I too like my alone time, to the point that some of my friends have told me I'm a bit weird. I've managed to get in his world just a bit, that means...he talked...about things that matter to him (or bother him).

(more on next post)

Anonymous said...


He's helped me with some PhD application things. I wrote my statements of purpose and he proofread and gave me feedback as well. He is so kind, and sensitive in his own way.

One of the things I appreciate the most, which I think is what "bothers" some people the most is the fact that he is BLUNT. COMPLETELY HONEST. Whether you can hear that and not take it personally is a different matter. I'll take direct honesty any day over "lies". I have my own reasons.

We dated for some time. Then we didn't date (no drama...we just stopped). We kept in touch throughout and he seems to like that I reach out to him.

Then...we went on another date. I know that he feels really comfortable around me, he enjoys the company...he wants to stay around even when I have to leave...BUT...then it's back to "withdrawal". He is so different face to face, than he is on phone/e-mail. He is extremely formal when he writes.

I finally told him...after ONE YEAR that I liked him and gave him a specific list of attributes as to the "why". He is very rational. We still talk...but all he said was "it's ok to be upset. We want different things. etc" And we still talk to this day...and he managed to give me some very meaningful compliments since then. I AM PUZZLED.

My question is...I have never asked him, or introduced the idea of Aspergers to him. Would it be completely out of line, or offensive if I approached it somehow? I'd love to be his friend, at least.

PS: he has been climbing at a rock gym for over 10 years. I have been at the same gym for about 1 year. He told me he doesn't know anyone at the gym. Never talked to anyone there. The other day, one of the people who work at the front desk, described him to me (different story for another day). She was very nice and respectful, but that's when I realized he may actually have Aspergers and it's not only me trying to come up with an excuse.

I apologize for the long entry and appreciate any feedback.

Shao said...

Me and my boyfriend (he's 16 and I'm 17) actually work out well. He's been diagnosed with Aspergers and told me about it the moment we started dating, thinking it would drive me off. He was mistaken since I have an older brother who has it too, so I'm relatively used to it. I'm lucky in that aspect though- but I guess in a way I'm not used to it in a relationship standpoint.

He's much better than what I've read on here. He seems to have put me in the center of his scheme of things, and is obsessive compulsive about talking to me- every single day- as we do home school together.

He's been abused by his father most his life, and taken for granted by many people- and says that he's never felt like this about anyone before- he was drawn to me, out of all the other people.

True, sometimes he can be a little inappropriate given the circumstances like I'll be showing him things that I know he likes and instead of paying attention to the picture itself he pays attention to the background like instead of commenting on me in the picture he's like LOL what's the person doing in the background. And im like did you even see me...or did you just look past me.

He's a complete gentlemen, he calls me his baby or baby girl all the time. Calls me by my nickname. He is sweet to the point it could have been straight out of a disney movie.

He doesn't talk to his friends anymore because he states that he's used to talking to me- he doesn't want to talk to them anymore.

He seems extremely happy too, happier than I ever remember seeing him.

I think he's got the mildest aspergers I've ever seen. And even though I have my own struggles, I try to support him as much as possible and try to look at him as a normal person- as my boyfriend- and not as somebody who suffers from aspergers.

To be honest, sometimes, I forget altogether.

He often says how he thinks god sent me to him, since he would always pray for somebody to come along.

He's had horrible girlfriends in the past. But he was never actually serious about them.

I found one of his comment's odd that how after he met me, he'd put my face over the current girlfriend's face because he was so scared to ask me out- afraid I would say no- that he would simply pretend the girls were me.

I felt sort of bad for the girlfriends.

I'm extremely sensitive though, which he likes because he doesn't know how to handle emotions and he likes the fact that I'm so emotional. He makes really cute comments- he makes me feel incredibly loved.

And it's funny because growing up with a neglectful family and a brother with aspergers- sometimes I think that even just a little affection that I get from someone- goes a loooong way for me.

He likes that he can sit down and share his world of video games with me since I'm such a gamer having been the only girl in a household of all boys. He says he often wishes it were just me and him and the whole world would disappear.

I try to give him as much of his world as possible, because honestly, he still reminds of a little kid at times- and I try to enjoy his own little world as much as possible.

I find that sharing things with him that he enjoys, makes good responses and it makes him feel like I listen to him. He even sometimes gets excited and will say "you remember me saying i liked this!"

we've been together for almost two years now.

eventually we hope to live together and have kids. at first he wasn't thrilled about kids.

Now he's been taking part of the naming process- he likes the name Logan.

lost_inlove said...

Thanks very much for your blog, it was really helpful!

I need some advice on where to go with my current on and off aspie bf:

He seemed to be doing the thing you did before - that he couldnt juggle the time between workload from Uni, his time with friends/his own hobbies and me, and now he is completely shutting down on me.

After reading your blog I am wondering what is the best thing to do? Should I give him the space and time he needs, but is there any way to keep in touch if he is shutting down?

I don't know how long it will be, and how much it will takes, I am just puzzled. I still love him, but I don't know what to do now :(

Anonymous said...

Dear Gavin
Just after some advice. My husband shut down on me. He is an Aspie. It has been hard since we got married. I love him and I know he loves me too. It is just that I am finding it hard to come to understand how one minute, he could not live without me and hated me going to work. Now this? He has said that we can spend the weekend every other weekend when I don't have my daughter together. But that he can't do phone calls, text. I will get the odd text from him, but if I text him I am pressuring him. So confused. Do I walk away? Is he just mean and self centered? Or as you say, can't calculate time for me? When I'm at our old home, where he lives, he say's I make it warm. He acknowledges that I am everything he every wanted still. This has dragged on since early January and I am going mad, with grief, longing and feeling used. He hides that he loves me from his friends. Three months down, with no end in sight. Please, any advice
Thanks Danielle

Anonymous said...

I am so greatful to have read this blog. My boyfriend has Aspergers and I don't. This is all very new to me since he just told me about it a week ago and we have been dating for a year. A lot of it makes sense now. It has been a very hard road. I love him like crazy,but he just ended it with me in his own way (not calling, avoiding me). The hardest thing for me is that I always believed that because he wouldn't miss me and would forget me. That I would suffer through this break up all on my own. but now I see that this isn't necessarly the case.

Anonymous said...

I am so greatful to have read this blog. My boyfriend has Aspergers and I don't. This is all very new to me since he just told me about it a week ago and we have been dating for a year. A lot of it makes sense now. It has been a very hard road. I love him like crazy,but he just ended it with me in his own way (not calling, avoiding me). The hardest thing for me is that I always believed that because he wouldn't miss me and would forget me. That I would suffer through this break up all on my own. but now I see that this isn't necessarly the case.

Rozariya said...

My bf has Asperger's and he left extremely confused. Most days he seems so normal, especially in social situations, i find it hard to believe he actually is an Aspie.

But a few days ago, I got on the phone to my best friend soon after he came home from work; he started cooking. While very friendly a few minutes ago, all of a sudden, he started getting really irritated saying i was speaking too loud until i spoke in almost a whisper. But even after that he started becoming aggressive and poked me furiously telling me to get off the phone, which offended me (he'd never do anything violent before), so i ignored him. 10 minuted after i'd started speaking to my friend he eventually grabbed the phone out of my hand and said 'Go home. Leave. Now' (it was 11 p.m. and he knows it'd take me ~3 hours to get home). I was totally shocked ad on the verge of crying. He'd never done anything even similar to this before. Our relationship had been going so well - he'd always tell me he loves me and how beautiful I was and about how he loves me more than anything and how I was the only 1 who loved him like that too and kept bringing up me marrying him every few days (he's 24, I'm 21), told me how important taking my virginity was to him, help me with my work, spend a lot of money on me - up till that day. I know he was stressed (it was his 2nd day at new work, he is on bad terms with his family and best friend and he'd run out of anti-depressant medicine), but it was still to upsetting so, I got up to leave, since that's what he told me to do. He tried to stop me soudned apologetic for a sec, realised i'm still leaving,t hen said 'if you leave now, we're done' and i said 'in that case, yes we are. i'm not up for being treated like this' - he was very angry. 10 minutes after i'd left he sent me a text saying 'it's incredibly impolite to talk n the phone when someone's cooking for you. it made me realise you're too immature for this relationship. Don't reply to this, try to contact me or come to my house ever again. We're done'. and blocked me from facebook. (i know his previous gf was 20 years his senior, she cheated on him and he may not have got over her yet, so maybe that's why he keeps saying i'm immature i.e. comparing me to her, even though he's the immature/ unreasonable 1 here?)

Even though this break-up wasn't meant to happen and was just the heat of the moment, I know he's very stubborn, so he'll never contact me again and probably won't reply if i try to contact him. But I also know he loves me, i think, unless he's an incredibly good liar. What on earth was/ is going through his mind?? And what am i supposed to do now? I'm very distressed as he was my 1st and only relationship of 3 months, please help.

Anonymous said...

I had an on again, off again relationship with a bf whom I strongly suspect has asperger's. He was charming and very very honest when we first met, and his honesty really impressed me. Later on, he told me in a restaurant while having a romantic dinner, "You know, you have a beard and moustache". He was very unique and very focused on the things he loved. Many foods he wouldn't eat and he always cooked for me because everything had to be done a certain way. Only wanted to see me every 2 to 3 weeks or so but would get very upset and angry with me if I suggested that we just didn't seem right for one another. I felt a strong attachment of him for me, and I loved him so despite the frustration, I kept going back to him. But it was always so impossible, he was such a loner, had no friends, was very wrapped up in his job, didn't want me around on his days off, but would occasionally contact me to come over. I would constantly explain to him that I was much more social, and needed more contact and connection. He refused to speak on the phone to me, only contact was through texting. Very regimented, and had strict policies about things like water conservation. Said that I couldn't wear any make-up around him because of chemicals, but then he would smoke. So challenging, but he could be occasionally playful and I really respected his intelligence. But if I annoyed him he would withdraw completely and seem very mean and cold. I often felt like crying because of the way he treated me. He was quite insecure, and put me down quite a bit. I have told him we are done, and we last about a month before one of us contacts the other and we are back together for a short time. I just can't stand the thought of not being in his life but I hate myself for putting up with his crap. Not sure which of us has the bigger problem. I wish him well and want him to be happy, but I know that I will always be miserable with him. I wish that we could just be friends but he isn't interested in that at all. Its been very hard for three years now, I wish I could just walk away but I can't...I have only myself to blame.

Anonymous said...

I had an on again, off again relationship with a bf whom I strongly suspect has asperger's. He was charming and very very honest when we first met, and his honesty really impressed me. Later on, he told me in a restaurant while having a romantic dinner, "You know, you have a beard and moustache". He was very unique and very focused on the things he loved. Many foods he wouldn't eat and he always cooked for me because everything had to be done a certain way. Only wanted to see me every 2 to 3 weeks or so but would get very upset and angry with me if I suggested that we just didn't seem right for one another. I felt a strong attachment of him for me, and I loved him so despite the frustration, I kept going back to him. But it was always so impossible, he was such a loner, had no friends, was very wrapped up in his job, didn't want me around on his days off, but would occasionally contact me to come over. I would constantly explain to him that I was much more social, and needed more contact and connection. He refused to speak on the phone to me, only contact was through texting. Very regimented, and had strict policies about things like water conservation. Said that I couldn't wear any make-up around him because of chemicals, but then he would smoke. So challenging, but he could be occasionally playful and I really respected his intelligence. But if I annoyed him he would withdraw completely and seem very mean and cold. I often felt like crying because of the way he treated me. He was quite insecure, and put me down quite a bit. I have told him we are done, and we last about a month before one of us contacts the other and we are back together for a short time. I just can't stand the thought of not being in his life but I hate myself for putting up with his crap. Not sure which of us has the bigger problem. I wish him well and want him to be happy, but I know that I will always be miserable with him. I wish that we could just be friends but he isn't interested in that at all. Its been very hard for three years now, I wish I could just walk away but I can't...I have only myself to blame.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, I relate to all of these messages. I don't know what the hold is, but it's unlike any other I've ever had. I miss my bf so much and am depressed and cry constantly. I don't want him back. I can't live like that again, always confused, feeling rejected, unimportant, invisible. But I miss him with all my heart. I can't seem to get past this although we broke up three times within 5 months and it's been a month since the last time. I saw his profile on the dating service where we met and he seems very chipper and that was so hurtful. I am in such misery and he's out there happily looking for a new love. It's devastating. Do we feel this way because it's the death of a dream? That we invested so much in trying to understand the differences between us, worked so hard to make a connection with a man who couldn't understand emotions? All I know is that this is incredibly painful and I'm so tired of feeling his loss.

Anonymous said...

To Feeling The Pain-
Please don't start doubting yourself. An Aspie e-friend of mine can't find a good word to say about any feature in my face - ever.I once won second place in a pageant and am still considered good-looking. He gushes compliments to other female e-friends who are nice, but nothing to go on about.... I found this carry-on very insulting, he told me "looks don't matter, it's personality and brains that's important"...yet sends me pics of celebrities he thinks are beauties and gushes about the great looks- of his friends and colleagues partners/wives. I have never in my life encountered such a man or attitude to my appearance...so don't think for a moment that you are a "7"...that reminds me of the song ' Two Out Of Three Aint Bad', it's offensive, and if that's how he feels that he should hold out for another "10" and you dear lady, should not stay around someone who will cause you to lose your self-respect and confidence. Because that is what happened to me and nobody is worth losing yourself for.Keep in mind that he is odd and so is his judgement of women.

Still Feeling the Pain said...

What a sweet, supportive message. You really touched my heart. Thank you so much. I'm still up and down, still missing the man I wanted him to be, the person I saw glimpses of, his shadow self. When I pray I ask for the courage to release him, and that he find true happiness with someone else. I don't want to be angry but it would be a lot easier to let him go if I was. Maybe that's the hold: How can I be angry when I think he couldn't help treating me so poorly, all the while telling me he loved me and that the problems between us were all my fault. He was very good at turning the tables on me and I think often smug about it. Just so confusing.... Anyway, your message was a gift to me. Thank you again.

Anonymous said...

I found your problem

"I learned how to be the sort of person she wanted"

this is why I freaking hate relationships, because there will always be sacrifices. I ain't sacrificing me for a steady fuck.
But i am somewhat less social than other people :p

Orangefish said...

Feeling The Pain, Anonymous and everyone else out there who is in love with their Aspie man. You are not alone, you're not mad and don't be angry with yourselves for feeling sad to the core, lonely, distressed, and putting up with such treatment from your partner. I've been with mine for two and a half years now. I know he is an Aspie, possibly with some other mental issues, I'm not sure. He doesnt know I fel like this and probably doesnt even know what Aspergers is. I'm never going to mention it either. He lurches from being sweet and funny to being angry, offensive, completely uncaring (or so it seems) and very selfish. I know he cannot help any of this and I know that he is a good person. I know he cares for me deeply, in his own way. I've never felt anything like the emotions that I feel for him ever before, and this keeps me glued to him. The relationship has caused me anxiety, stress and depression. I met him whilst suffering from a nervous breakdown after being diagnosed with a degenerative brain disease after suffering a small stroke. He was so supporting and caring I couldnt believe my luck, but now he leaves me alone for days on end and says that my disease is all in my head and I've made it up. I've tried to leave so many times for my own sanity but he always comes after me so distraught saying he needs me and I end up going back, as I love him dearly. I even moved abroad to get away and he begged me to come back saying he loved me and needed me and we would live together and have a life. When I returned he admitted he didnt mean it and just said it to get me back into this country, even though he didnt want me full time, just when it suited him. I have accepted him as he is totally and just have to accept the fact that I will feel this way forever if I am to stay with him, or that one day I will be strong enough to leave, or that I will become more happy in myself and satisfied with my lot with him. Just accepting that has made me feel a bit better and has stopped the lurching, sickening bouts of emotion that I used to suffer every couple of weeks ago. Sometimes I feel lucky to have him in my life at all, because he pretty much cant stand to be around anybody else much at all. That, in itself, makes me feel happy sometimes.

Orangefish said...

Oh, forgot to mention - thank goodness for blogs like this. If I dont check on these every couple of months, I forget myself, get angry and resentful at him, expect thing s from him that I know he cannot deliver and then get depressed and want to leave. This reminds me that he does not mean to hurt me or cause upset in the relationship.

HHX said...

I totally and utterly agree with that. I think they are very chameleon like. The man I left was nothing like the guy I met in personality or showing love. I remember thinking once in the beginning that he was just copying what I'd said but in different words. I don't think it now. I know it!'n

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to have found this blog, as I think I'm in the right place. I've resorted to Google, because I can't seem to get a handle on my situation. I work with elementary age students and have seen many with AS and have a foundational understanding of ASDs. That said, I have been in an online relationship for over a year with a man (29) who demonstrated AS characteristics. The bottom line of my situation is this: He stopped communicating with me. If you don't mind reading, here is our story (as brief as possible): We met online finding we had similar interests; we are in different time zones (2 hours apart at this time of the year); we skype every day and literally fall asleep together 5-7 nights every week; we verbally express love for each other; we talk of a future together (all sadly in the past tense now). My last communication from him was the day after his computer crashed on 5/26/13, where he said he loved me and was getting a friend to help him repair it. Since then I've heard nothing from him and after phoning 3 times and texting him once a day for 5 days, my final text to him was "I love you and have faith in you"... that was 6 days ago. I have gone through the expected emotions of anger and fear, along with analyzing everything possible. He is extremely smart and logical (states that he has ADHD) ; he has always been very forthright in questions and answers; he struggles with emotions and emotional conversation, often not understanding social conversation; he claims that I am the only person he talks "this much" to; he often shuts down in times of stress (and the things that he has perceived as stress are often seem minor to me). Many times he has demonstrated the inability to focus on more than 1-2 things at a time. He talks about being hyper-focused and has shut me out, albeit briefly (1-2 days), before. I know that he has just moved, which was a stress... his computer crashing would be very stressful to him... lack of money is a huge stress for him... finding work for the summer was a stressor, too. I want to believe that it was all these stressors that made him shut down and that he's hyper focused on a solution and only focusing on the things that will provide a solution... and that he's put me away until he's able to "deal" with me again when life is back to a version of normal.

So, part of me just wanted to type that all out in some sort of cathartic move... but I'd also really like someone's opinion. He's such a wonderful guy and we are/were growing together so well. We've expressed our feelings of love and committment to each other for over a year, while both working to move toward the ability to take our relationship further. We have both been on the same page with this all along... there hasn't been any new issues or disputes.

So, here are my questions:
1) For someone like him, who is not at all afraid of being direct, drop me and cut me off completely like that permanently?
2) Is giving him complete space (no texts/calls) the best thing to do?
3) would periodic uplifting texts be viewed as helpful to him?
4) Am I completely deluding myself to believe that he's just trying to find a way to get back on track financially, get a new computer, and get out from under the stress?

Thank you for taking the time to read this...

Anonymous said...

Hi anonymous Person with 4 questions!
In a nutshell I don't know, if there's anything you can do, but I have some possibly useful feed back. 1) I suspect from your letter and relationship choice you also have AS. "Normal" people are simply not known to write such a balanced and detailed letter on any topic involving their feelings and wellbeing. So you might have a better understanding of this male than you realise. that said,
2) you obviously have less issues with stress and emotional communication and so may not realise what a weird space this can be.
I hesitate to offer a strategy in case all are destined to fail, and I hardly think advice that resembles stalking him is unethical. So- Id consider trying a non verbal approach like sending him an object that is supposed to advocate for you. such as a small gift.
Alternately consider that the very "progressing nicely" aspect of the relationship may have scared the crap out of him. Without communication it is hard to say "heck let's keep it low key" but if you do contact him consider not mentioning the long term intimacy gradient which is just scary if you have barely met preliminary intimacy hurdles anywhere else in your life. good luck !

Anonymous said...

Hello responder to me and my 4 questions,

17 days and counting without any word from him. I am losing hope, but at least I'm getting out of bed...

So you think I'm on the spectrum? Well, I do work with children who are... and frankly, I suspect everyone is somewhere on the continuum. I've never thought of myself that way... and I certainly don't possess the high IQ of a typical Aspie. Interesting thought. Maybe in all my free time these days I should check out one of the online tests.

Anyway, thank you for responding... I was beginning to fear that no one would. I'm having a really hard time with this and it just kills me not to have a definitive answer or closure or something that I can process.

Again, thank you for your thoughts...

LilMonk said...

Thanks so much for posting your story. I have been with my partner for ten years and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I feel like I need to leave - I love him, but I know I can't get the kind of love I need from him. We have talked about breaking up several times. When I mention possibly getting work interstate or overseas (because though I don't get the love I want from him, I am so reluctant to cause him any pain) he tells me to do whatever will make me happy. I feel like he is being magnanimous when I really want him to tell me to stay, and I really want him to just make time for me. I am so glad to hear there was a happy ending to your story. I think I've always been able to sense what is under the surface of my partner and that is why I've stayed, but it doesn't mean it has not been incredibly hard for me when I am not getting what I need.

Anonymous said...

After reading your blog I felt I wanted to talk about my relationship with an "aspie" man.

We met about 10 years ago, we were roughly about the same age, with children also the same age. I had a boyfriend and was going through a uncertain time he had a girlfriend, I found out he was seeing a third girl, I ended it and married my boyfriend.

About 3 years ago, I found him through Facebook and contacted him again, we met and rekindled our "affair." I was hoped things would be different, but soon noticed the same pattern. It was a very intense affair but I got the feeling I was just his "fuck buddy" as we never went on a date we just met at his office.

I left my husband and moved into my own house, this didnt change anything in fact I probably saw less of him, however he did start to "let me in" and we began meeting at his home. We still didn't go on a date. After 6 months I moved back with my husband, but we carried on meeting.

After 3 years of this, I noticed he was contacting me only to reply to my emails, we never spoke on the phone or text. I got the feeling things were fizzling out even though he said we had a "connection" he never really let me close or told me that he loved me. If my emails were emotional and loving, he simply wouldn't reply.
He told me he was on the autistic spectrum, he is a businessman and it appears he runs his business 24/7 rather than have a close relationship, he puts all his efforts and time into his business, he was always "too busy" or "being pulled in all directions" which he thrived on.

Since I returned to my husband, he stopped inviting me to his home and we were back to meeting at his office.

Eventually he gave up his office and began working from home, we never met again. I contacted him a few times, asking if he had moved on or if he still wanted to meet but he wouldn't answer me, he couldnever explain himself, how he was feeling or wouldn't, I only ever wanted to know if he was interested still, but he couldn't even tell me that.

He did ask to see me and I agreed, but the day came and went with no contact, I emailed him and told him that I wouldnt contact him again as he was constantly letting me down and by this time I was confused as I just didnt know the situation, his feelings or if he had met someone else. I did get a reply, he apologised saying that he was busy and thought he had emailed me to look at "other options," he hadnt, despite my further emails that was the last I ever heard from him, no explanations, no goodbyes, no apologies, just silence.
It is the silence that hurts mostly, I just feel like I was nothing to him, but we had become very comfortable and familiar with each other, shared the same views and sense of humour. He has just cut me off after knowing each other on and off for 5 years.

I couldn't leave it that way and so I did send an email to him to wish him well and apologise if I had upset him in any way, I thanked him for some lovely memories, but that I was hurt over the way things had ended abruptly with no explanation, but that he would always have a place in my heart.

I think writing this has been cathartic, I feel tearful even though I realise it is just how he wanted it to be and probably doesn't feel the empathy I wanted him to feel. I can see now that I read too much into this. He had told me that he had come to a decision he wanted to be on his own and was unable to be in a relationship and enjoyed the freedom of our friendship and intimacy.
I am currently trying to put this experience to the back of my mind and pick up the pieces of my life from before our contact. He has obviously moved on now. I miss our contact, but I feel stronger as I dont have that confusion and uncertainty constantly with me and always thinking, will I hear from him, will I see him again? I did love him, but I guess he just didn't have the capacity to love me in return.

Jodie said...

Its great to meet a group that might understand me. I've recently been dumped by my boyfriend of 4 and a half years. I strongly suspect that he is an Aspie, but unfortunately for us, he has never fully accepted it. We had about 4 or 5 previous splits after 'melt-downs' and understanding the condition was the only thing that kept me coming back to him, as well as missing him terribly. Even though I thought he couldn't help it, I still found it very hurtful to have the silences, lack of eye contact, rigid routine, the unpredictable responses, often distant behaviour, being told to keep quiet when he's concentrating, Oh and the innocent but outrageously insensitive comments. All this mixed up with someone who could be childlike, odd, loyal, attentive and physically affectionate, although not verbally. Someone I really felt belonged in my life.
I used to get angry or cause a scene when I felt rejected, as he pressed some very painful buttons for me, but then I learnt to handle myself better. I must admit,though, it was nerve-wracking as I'd never know if I'd get a response which would be emotionally-affirming or just cold silence. I needed a more consistent connection than he could give. It was the inconsistency that was harder than anything, a bit like a roulette wheel. The pain didn't disappear with understanding, I just blamed myself less (even though he blamed me). I still tended to criticise him or complain when I felt horrible, hurt or disappointed, thinking that it was better to speak up than pretending these horrible feelings weren't there. His 'special interests' dominated his spare time and conversation and I found it increasingly hard to negotiate any time for us.
This last week, we had a difficult week. I had said that I was disappointed that he wasn't considering 'us' in his plans. Although he tried to be reassuring he later admitted that he had just decided to do what he wanted. He said he had had enough of me complaining or saying I was disappointed. At the end of this week of tension, we had a spat over something small, and then he finished our relationship. He agreed at the same time that he was having a melt down and that he only decided to split an hour before, after the spat, but said that he didn't enjoy my company any more. During the previous week, although it had been tense at times, we'd also had, what he agreed were wonderful times together, so this doesn't quite add up.
Its hard to make sense of it as the ending was so abrupt.
Previously when we've split I've missed him so much and usually blamed myself for getting too upset with him and eventually we've got together. But I think that would just make both of us unhappy so I should look around for someone who I can relax with because although I really want to be with him, he really isn't good for me, and obviously, I'm not good for him. But I just wish I could be more accepting of him and take his behaviour less personally...

Anonymous said...

My 11 year full time, live in relationship just ended. He announced he was leaving and left. Said he had to live on his own. Now our relationship had gotten unbearable prior to that day. I asked him to leave at least 10 times in the duration. He would not. Now he has. I keep a journal outlining the facts of the past 10 years. I stumbled on an asperger site online and discovered everything I wrote in my journal was textbook Aspergers. The first year I was his obsession. After that, new obsessions came and went two or three times a year. We were in love, so I went along. However he did not want to do anything I wanted to do. he did not show empathy or emotion, however I knew he loved me and trusted him. He trusted me. Without his communicating and not participating in anything I did, suspicions arose. Trust then disappeared. I often mentioned to him that I thought he was autistic. He said nothing, as usual. Long story short, I became burned out picking up after him, organizing, taking care of him. I became his mom. I then emotionally bailed out. I was doing everything on my own, so his video gaming, movie watching for hours, face booking like it was life or death obsessions no longer bothered me. I ceased to care & have input. Then he up and left. In a traditional relationship, I thought this quite odd. However since I discovered all these aspie sites, I am convinced he is,on the spectrum. As we are separating what's his and what's hers, I asked him if he had ever been diagnosed. He said he had never heard of aspergers. I seriously doubt that. He's a high achiever and a popular musician, good at what he does. He's in his 50's and hasnt yet been married, has failed, unwisely chosen past relationships. I can understand his obsession, but only up to a certain point, of his music. It was day and night, 24/7 and he still found time for the programs/games/fb. That was his way of separating when I did the same. Sad that I, and perhaps he, did not understand the reason. I am a very strong person working in the field of face to face communication with new people daily. At this time I could not consider him again, even if somehow a meeting of the minds could produce an understanding to realize and work hard. I am of the feeling this cannot happen. I still find him a beautiful person and his unconventional thought a match for my thoughts. We are dealing with both a normal human love relationship and one with special needs. These needs are not hard to attend, once realized. The attributes this man has vs his unconventional love can be realized. Live and learn. And I wish us both well.

jodie said...

Is it really worth disregarding our own happiness and needs because they don't suit the person we've decided to give them up for?
Are they someone who makes a positive addition to your life, or do they detract from what makes you, you?
Are they a partner or a full time project?
Why do WE Choose them?

Just a few questions I can ask with t the benefit of hindsight as luckily for me he finished it and stopped me sacrificing my own needs, possibly for the rest of my life. That wouldn't have been good for anyone.

Anonymous said...

I see alot of letters of this sentiment, and as a woman I can relate, but as a person with AS, I feel that it's a false conflict- women write, essentially, that they're being harmed emotionally and psychologically by being in a relationship with a male with AS. But really I feel people are being harmed by their expectations of complete, verbalised intimacy. And by wanting all their needs met in one person. I know better than to demand of every person I know a defined synopsis of their exact feelings and inner world. but in "relationships" many people will keep on talking this point endlessly.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous needs urgent advice!!!
I've been in a relationship, or better saying, in a non-relationship for almost 2 years with a man I came to find out is an Aspie (I'm sure he knows nothing about AS). I feel deeply about him, but I am also lost, because he keeps giving me hope in some way and then withdraws. He does not like physical contact and seems not to care much about sex, and it hurts me a lot. We work at the same office and see each other in a daily basis for lunch as friends.
After having known each other for one year at work, we started "dating" for six months and he would come to my house once a week during this period. At that time I was not sure what kind of relationship we had, but I think he made it clear one day by calling us “lovers”. The word girlfriend was never spoken. He would never sleep over and preferred to go home very late instead. After six months I thought it was very awkward! I was never sure I’d see him the next weekend and one day, after emailing him suggesting we went somewhere on Saturday, he simply didn’t reply. I kept waiting for him to call to say something – even a “no”, but he did not. I phoned him, but he didn’t answer. I was devastated that he had acted like that, showing no consideration. The next Monday I saw him at the office and he was strange but said nothing about the weekend. One day I called him in MSN and asked what had happened and he said “Nothing. I just wanted to rest”. At that time I had no idea of what Asperger was and got astonished by his behavior. I retracted after that and a few days later he went for one month vacation and I had no news of him. After a while (months) he started emailing me to say some compliment and we started written communication till we met again at my home after 4 months. It was last January and since then, we talk in FB, see each other almost every working day for lunch with other friends, sometimes talk (write) of meeting outside office, but it never happens… He always comes with some excuse and we don’t meet. Sometimes he keeps me waiting for a call or message on Saturdays telling me if he’s coming (and he never comes). I resent him a lot in these occasions and feel bad about me for accepting this situation. My therapist says he’s an autistic and therefore is incapable of loving. I can tell he likes me in his strange way, but I need to be with him and to touch him. What can I do???? When I come closer, he gets cold with me. Please, I need some advice on this!!! I’m running out of ideas and I like him a lot! In fact I think I’m obsessed with him. It’s very hard to love an Aspie.

Gavin Bollard said...

Anonymous, your therapist is wrong about him being "incapable" of loving. This is a common misconception about Asperger's and Autism.

Clearly he loves you but his expression is different to yours. It's common for people with autism to not like cuddling, kissing or sex due to sensitivity issues. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you - it simply means that there are some things that he finds uncomfortable.

One of the things that you both need to do is compromise. You need to accept less touch and he needs to accept more. It can work.

The "going home" bit is important too. He doesn't get why it would be good for him to stay at a strange place. Personally, I don't get those sorts of needs either but I know they're common in neurotypical (normal) people. I don't sleep well at different places and since you'll be sleeping rather than talking to him, it simply doesn't make sense for him to like awake all night trying to sleep when he could just as easily go home and get a good night's sleep in a comfortable and familiar bed.

Communication is the biggest problem in the Aspergers/Autism world. It impacts us in so many ways, for example saying "I love you" when you're not sure what love is and whether it's "love", "extreme like" or just plain happiness. For us, communicating "yes" means to quickly and loudly say "yes". Communicating "No" often means saying nothing at all - especially if you're not sure of the words to use - or if you think your response might provoke an uncomfortable confrontation.

By not replying to your email/text, he's saying No. You did ask "If he would like to go somewhere". It wouldn't have occurred to him to think that you'd be waiting on his answer. He's not doing it to hurt you, he just wouldn't have known.

It's not actually as hard as you think to love an aspie. It's just hard to get to good mutual communication. Once you have that, the rest will follow.

The best thing to do would be to go somewhere in your lunch break to talk about things. Start to agree on some rules. For example, a phone call at 7pm every Wednesday and one at 10am on Saturday (more often if you need it). All weekend activities have to be agreed on in full during the 10am Saturday conversation.

I know that it probably sounds like these rules will suck all the romance out of the relationship but I assure you, it's more likely to improve things.

Anonymous said...

Hi Gavin,
I have been addicted to this blog for the past week or so, reading all inputs from all angles.
I'm hoping that you or some of your Aspie/NT followers can help me.
My story: 2.5 years ago I met the most beautiful, amazing man. I was tightly curled up in a cocoon afraid of letting myself be loved after a horrendous breakup a few years earlier. He helped me become a butterfly and for the most part we've had a wonderful relationship.
He's German, so many dogmatic, firm resolve issues I put down to this. We moved in together after a few short months. He is a high achiever, a scientist, internationally respected. I am successful, independent and very hard working. We lived very well together as we both got on with our 'stuff'. He however has routines that are non-negotiable, cost sharing structures that are rigid to the last receipt, our future plans were based on his focus...where we lived, what kind of house etc. To be fair I rolled in happily with this. He has two children whom I adore and who adore me. They do not live with us but we have them as often as possible. He is going through a horrendous divorce since I met him, I have always been supportive of the ups and down of this.
In the past year we have started to have problems as I have been feeling unappreciated, almost used. Despite my more than full time job (c60hrs a week), I keep the house, do the shopping, cook a meal every night. I would sometimes call on my way home from work suggesting that we go out for dinner as I was tired. he'd respond, it's OK I'll have a sandwich...but what about me?!!

Sarah....to be continued

Anonymous said...

I've often purchased Groupon deals for restaurants, but even the top up of a Naan bread would end up in the pot to be split on costs. We had a 40/60 share on all household costs. 2mths ago we moved into a new house (renting), he went away for work and left me his share of the rent money. He left 50%. When he got home a week later, after dinner I asked could we discuss it. He was furious, he lept up shouting that he wouldnt be taken for granted, that I had enough money to pay and that I wasnt going to profit off him. I was completely shocked! he said that he had thought it through and his decision was final. Again, I nearly keeled over - who was this man?!! I stormed away and he retreated to his office. A few hours later he came to me in his boxers and asked me to come to bed. I was still fuming, and afraid to re-discuss the issue. I went to bed hours later. The next night he stayed out with a female colleague until 2am, something that he has NEVER done before. Again, I didnt let him touch me as I was so confused. We have the most amazing sex life, and desire eachother completely. I think my turning him away was a hurtful to him as his reaction to the Cost sharing was to me.
The next day I left for 3 days for work. We started blasting emails at eachother, his were angry, complicated talking about money money, money. Mine were, why are you speaking like this, I cant take it. He accused me of acting, staging a game to make him change his mind. The weekend came and I went to my mothers. I pretended he was away with work so she wouldnt ask me any questions that I couldnt answer. I booked into a hotel for the Tues/Wed as we continued to blast emails. I didnt return home as I knew that we'd just end up in bed with nothing resolved. He went away again for work on Thursday-Tues and I went home to collect some clothes. I found a post it note with a girls name on the coffee table.

Sarah...sorry more to come

Anonymous said...

I dropped him an email saying how upset I was with everything and finished off asking who she was. He responded again accusing me of playing games but didnt answer the question. The same on Friday. On the Saturday I called him. He roared down the phone at me....I have never heard him raise his voice. He told me that I wasnt his judge or jury, he didnt have to answer to me. he said 'it's like you're building up to leave me and I cant be on my own' he told me that if I moved out to leave the key behind, and if I called her and didnt move out he would put my stuff in the driveway on his return. My world went into chaos. We're fighting about so little money more or less per month. I cried all night, the next morning I got into action, rented a man with a van and took a few leads (including my furniture etc) and moved into my Mums. Why? because he had introduced another woman into our (normally) wonderful world.
That was a month ago. On the Monday I send him an email full of how much I love him but cant continue without shows off appreciation for all I do for him, his children, our home, his work, divorce...always me doing....and after all I'd done, we had an argument and he was replacing me whilst I was still living with him! That he'd put the energy into this rather than us?? I heard nothing from him, not a word for 3 weeks. I was beside myself with pain. I then heard from him last week to advise me that his father had died the previous week! I was so hurt. I then received the memorial card, that had his ex wifes name on it! His father hated her! So, instead of calling me, he called her?!!

We spoke a few days ago, I know that he is all alone in this world. he has no real friends. No one that he could talk to about US. He has promised that he is not back with his wife, they just called a truce for the funeral and that he went on one date with the girl but he wouldnt be seeing her again. He said that we are over as he needs a stable home for a stable mind. he needs someone to mind and reassure him, someone to be there for him and his kids, without question....etc etc

I am so sorry to all of you for venting....and making this so long, but I'm trying to understand. It's all about his needs! What about me???

I love this man so much. I am now pretty convinced that he has AS. Though it would be a hard fight to get him to admit this, as in his mind he is the perfect catch.

I am a very caring and empathetic woman. I feel that had we known or suspected this that our behavior towards eachother could have been different. He tells me that we're over as we will have future conflicts due to his very character, but I believe that he blames his German-ness. I think it's more.

I know that he will be hell bent on meeting someone to help him cope, yet I know that as he'd seek for this very reason that it wouldnt work. I have so much respect, pride, love, desire for this man. Although my family and friends think him cold, I dont. I know that we shared a deep love.

My sister, a nurse, mentioned the other day that I should consider that he could have AS, as his behavior sounded off. She concluded that he either has AS or he is a warped terrible man. None of us believe this though.

So my questions;

Does it sound like he may have AS?
Could it be too late for us?
How do I handle things from here?

(PS. My father died last year and he left me and went home after the funeral. he sat at home on his own for two days before heading to germany to see his boys. That was our 1st big fight as I couldnt believe that he wouldnt stay by my side, that he wasnt there for me. Might this be why he didnt tell me about his Dad?)


Anonymous said...

I am a divorced mom of 4. I began seeing a quirky, sky, brilliant man who was incredibly challenging 14 months ago. He said some awful things at times, but the things he said never matched his actions. I spent every night I didn't have my kids at his house where he held me as I fell asleep. I have always felt loved by him and we get along so great and truly love spending time together. We are both glass half-full kind of people and try to make the best of everything. His wife left him almost two years ago after having an affair, he is still hurt by her actions and words and pushes me away often fearing I will cheat and leave him too because he is convinced I deserve better and he has been cheated on many times. I googled things I couldn't figure out a lot, and in July I came to the conclusion it was aspergers. I approached him about it and explained to him everything I read in the 7 books and online and it fit him to a T. He was receptive and now feels like the missing piece of a puzzle has been found and he feels like this explains so many actions on the part of his father, himself, and his son. He asked me to be his gf a week after I revealed what I had learned about him and was confused about why I didn't leave hi like everyone else. Naybe it is because I am patient and maternal, but I love so many of the things about him that are directly related to aspergers...he is loyal, committed, very clean, loves his routine which includes holding me in the same way every night making me FEEL loved. Sadly he still cannot say he loves me mostly I think because he believes if you use those words you are running off to get married right away (not the case with me however).

My issue is my 4 small children. He loves them and they love him. He is doing very well adapting to that chaos as we have slept at his house for 2 weeks straight now, and he has mentioned that he doesnt know how to get ready for it and he may never be ready for it but he has been thinking we should live together. I want to live with him and I know with my hyper OCD and parenting it will be ok, but I am still so very scared that he will flip a switch one day and just kick us all out. I am in a position financially that I can care for my kids so its not that I would worry about being homeless...its that we would be moving into his home and I don't want to disrupt the kids like that if he decideds to just make us leave without working on it. I just wish I knew that it would be ok. Sometimes getting that *security* from an aspie is just the hardest thing...

Anonymous said...

This helped me a lot my ex my first in everything I had waited to fall in love with him. My mind plays on how I could of changed and did things differently and I even questioned his feelings I regret making assumptions and never wanted to hurt him I lashed out and felt bad.
I miss him alot some days I remember the good times and I just have to keep moving on it was probably the right for bothof us especially him I just wish I could apologise is all :(

Anonymous said...

Are any of these Aspie men named Eric? Several of your stories sound eerily similar to a man I am dating.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic blog, all your posts are very helpful.
When last year I broke up with my aspie boyfriend (4 year together) the very same month he began another relationship. And next month he began another one, with a woman from his office.
He never tried to contact me, even if he knew that I was going trough a surgery, not an attempt just to answer "did everything went fine or do you need some help ? "
He was dating with her colleague for two months and immediately moved to her house where they are now living together with her two children.
It is as if I never have existed in his life ! It's difficult for me to understand how you can start a new relationship without a "normal mourning time" in order to heal your soul from the wounds that any break up or loose leaves in your life.

So, sure an AS won't miss you

Anonymous said...

I have a family member dating an Aspie. My perspective is from the outside looking in. I have been married decades to a wonderful husband and can't understand why any normal woman would put up with the disrespect I read about here. Do you ladies realize that Aspergers is no excuse for mistreatment and that you should run from a guy (Aspie or NT) who treats you like garbage and ignores your needs? I understand the ladies who are married who try to work it out and commend them for this...but you single ladies who are being mistreated by Aspies ought to dump the guy and take back your lives. You deserve better! Obviously you are exceptionally caring women to even put up with the neglect and weirdness as you do with these guys... but your love would be better directed toward a man who can return it in a way that meets your emotional needs. It may take time but you will find a normal guy who will put you first and meet your needs if you stop the madness and walk away from a guy who drains you and drowns you in disfunction. You ladies deserve better.

Anonymous said...

Hi all! Three days ago I was dumped (again) by my boyfriend/friend, who suffers from aspergers, I feel for him I really do, and I know it's a matter of weeks until the texts/calls start over. But I have made the decision to be resolute and stick to what I said about never seeing him again.
First off I love this man with every inch of my being, I honestly do, I openly tell him I love him, often, he's response "I care for you". He moans when I don't hurry to call/text/meet him but he's allowed to ignore my texts/calls/or failures to turn up for me.
One month we are on, the next we are off. Then we talk and then we don't.
For the most part he just wants a platonic friendship, I go along with this, and don't pressure him for anything, then, out of the blue he says that he wants me physically, so we meet, have sex! I say sex because to me it never feels like lovemaking, its very cold, but I accept it, if I try to touch his face gently try to communicate how much I love him he stops and goes rigid and says he wants to go home as he feels uncomfortable.a few hours after sex he will text me saying that he can't handle a relationship and he just bails out leaving me high and dry. This has happened 3 times now.
I have finally had enough. I can't stand the pain of he's mood swing and mind changes.
I feel broken, destroyed.
This clever,gentle, wonderful, quirky man, I will miss him with all of my heart and soul, but I just cannot go on like this anymore.

Anonymous said...

Same story, different Aspie. I have known mine for 5 years. In that time we have only met a dozen times even though we live in the same suburb. Our online communication is intense and can consume my life. He has told me we will never be a couple and we will never have sex in his lifetime. Well we did but it took 4 years and much persuasion on my part. I felt truly connected to him for the first time only to be told on leaving his house that sex was a great relief and he planned on having heaps more with other people.

Anonymous said...

Hi Gavin,

I have been in a "relationship" with a man for about one year. I do not wish to disclose any information on the blog but was wondering your take on it. I believe he does have Asperger's. He does seem to have many traits and since I began using some suggestions in communicating, things have been better. Is there a way I can email you to describe more details about the relationship? Thank you so much.

Gavin Bollard said...

On the About tab at the top of the screen, there is a link to an email contact system. Anyone can contact me using that.

Anonymous said...

My question is, Do you walk away from a deep love or any love if the "symptoms" are making your life hard? My aspie man ( I'm NT) has nearly ruined my business. So I have no affection no intimacy and few customers left. ???

Leonard Harvey said...

Anyone who has been in an off and on relationship can tell how frustrating it is. Most especially when you love them so much like they know you so well to know that no matter the circumstance in which the break up is based on, you are always gonna make up and start from a fresh page with them. Almost like you can not do without them and your life revolves round them which is literally speaking true. My relationship with my boyfriend was one such off and on thing only that he was the one who constantly kept breaking my heart and each time i kept crawling back to him like i had no life aside from that i shared with him. He knew he could break up with me to date other guys he feels like and at the end of the day come back asking for a second chance and believe me it was always a second chance to me. It was either he wants to date another guys or he's telling me that he is not sure he can be in a relationship with apparently cos he needed to find out what he wants in life and discover who he is. Most people asked why didn't i just move on and find someone who was more worthy of my love. Yes i should have done just that but i can give a thousand reason why i always go back to him at the end of this entire text it will fall back to this that "I LOVE HIM WITH MY LIFE". I could not see my whole life without him in it so basically i was a fool in love. It was like he had something over him that always drew me back to him no matter what the condition might be. I was in pain. I really didn't know if he did all he did on purpose or f it was as a result of his indecisive nature. What ever it was i didn't like cos all i wanted was to spend the rest of my life with him. Blame me or don't on the basis of stupidity what's done is done i contacted a spell caster to help get him in the path i wanted for us. I did this early this year. I was not going to say anything until i was sure that what Metodo Acamu did was for real. I was not going to start misleading people to do what does not exist. I can tell you without now doubt that the spell worked for me and also i have seen a couple of comment Online about Metodo Acamu it is obvious that all he does is make people lives better in every way and bring people out from what ever hellhole they where in. I should tell you that he is one of the only few if not the only one true spell caster that can help you out in any condition. Not cos i saw a couple of comments Online like that of Nicholas Zachary but because all these comments were written by real life people who have gone and seen the authenticity of Metodo Acamu. I asked Metodo Acamu to put my boyfriend in the right path i wanted for the two of us, to help kill that indecisive nature he had in him to make him mine and mine only forever. You should all know he did just that for me and the spell he cast changed our lives in ways you can't imagine and the best part is that he didn't take i single pound from me. I only gave him something out of my discretion as a sign of gratefulness for what he did for me. However Metodo Acamu asked me to get some materials which we used for the spell casting process. I will be opened with you all at first, i thought he wanted to use the required materials as a medium to get money form me but it turned out that he made it clear to me that without those materials it will me impose to do any spell just like cooking without food stuff. Even then he told me to either get the materials to temple by myself or parcel it over to him or to send him the money to get the materials for me if i can't find them. I had to send the money to him cos it was even more less expensive that way. You should also know he is trust worthy you can trust him with anything. Here is his personal contact got it Online when i contacted him thought i should also leave it here maybe for those who need to contact Metodo Acamu ; metodoacamufortressx@yahoo.com