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Why do Aspies Suddenly Back Off in Relationships (Part 2)

In part one, we looked at the role that Change Resistance plays in causing aspies to suddenly go "cold" in otherwise good relationships. This time, I want to look at self esteem and depression;

Self Esteem
The aspie relationship with themselves is tedious at best. People with Asperger's commonly suffer from low self esteem. As discussed in earlier posts, this low self esteem often results from years of emotional turmoil resulting from their poor social skills.

Aspies are often their own worst enemy. They can over analyze situations and responses in an effort to capture lost nonverbal communication. This often causes them to invent problems and to imagine replies. Everything made up by aspies will tend to be tainted with their own self image.

This is one of reasons that people with Asperger's will sometimes decide that they are not good enough for their partner and that they must let them go. Sometimes, the aspie will develop a notion of chivalry or self-sacrifice and will feel like they need to push their partner away for their own good despite the fact that they personally don't wish to give up the relationship.

Sometimes the aspie feels that they do not deserve the good luck that the relationship is bringing them. Sometimes they feel as if they need to punish themselves.

Several times during the courtship of my (now) wife, I experienced this problem. I had a plan to go to university and I knew that I couldn't spare the time to be with her. I mistakenly assumed that she would not tolerate this separation and kept putting the brakes on our relationship without providing any explanations. Eventually, she did leave me and although I was extremely upset, I figured that I deserved it.

I guess that I was ready to accept that she would find someone else provided that they lived up to my (impossibly high) standards. Discovering that the new man was not treating her as well as I would have was enough to galvanize me into action and I won her back. Self esteem issues can sometimes be conquered simply by realising that you are just as capable as others.

Going hand in hand with the self esteem issues is depression. Most aspies seem to suffer from depression in one form or another. In fact often they suffer from almost bi-polar emotions, swinging from extreme happiness extreme depression with very little in between. If a new relationship is formed during a period of extreme happiness, the partner will often mistake the depression phase for waning interest.

Depression can also be self-destructive. The aspie may terminate their relationship as a way of punishing themselves or they may begin to self-harm in other ways. Sometimes, it's not the depression but the depression medication itself which is responsible for the strain on the relationship. Sometimes too, it's other medications as many drugs which treat psychological conditions which commonly occur alongside aspergers, have depression as a side-effect.

Fixing the Problems
There's not really a great deal that can be done by the partner in relationships which are affected by self esteem and depression issues. Self-esteem issues can only be resolved with long term therapy. It doesn't have to be with a professional, it can be done as part of the relationship provided that the other partner is patient and considerate enough to do the hard work.

Therapy may also work in cases of depression but sometimes the depression is integral to the aspie condition and no matter how often you ease the aspie through the depression phase and into a happier place, the depression will always return.

Sometimes it's better to simply accept rather than to try and change or to "fix" your aspie. Sometimes, it's the aspie who needs to learn to accept themselves.

Next Time
Next time I'll look at people who just don't know what to do or how to behave in relationships.


Clarissa said…
"The aspie relationship with themselves is tedious at best"

-I don't know. My relationship with myself has always been a blast. It's the relationships with others that are boring.

I've had the tendency to go cold on people overnight for a very long time. For me, it usually happened because I would suddenly feel that they were not good enough for me, not the other way round. I also often felt that they wanted too much. Too much contact, too much communication, too much emotion. And it felt really boring.

Asperger's is in no way synonymous with low self-esteem. We can have high or low self-esteem, which depends not on the Asperger's but on our own personalities.
Gavin Bollard said…
Yes, You're right, that was a bit of a generalisation (it comes from writing posts on the wrong side of midnight).

A lot of aspies I know have self-esteem issues. Even I do at times and I'm considered to be fairly well adjusted.

It doesn't necessarily follow that all aspies have esteem issues. I'm sure that many of them don't.
Sir Wobin said…
I have been very withdrawn and depressed in the past but my discovery of AS has been tremendously liberating. I'm much more accepting of myself and happy to be who I am.

My partner and I previously had tremendous communication problems that are put into context knowing about AS. I've been able to open up to him and we talk about our different points of view now. This discovery has been very healing for me.

I think it really helps to have a partner who is genuinely interested in you and how you perceive the world. Without that bridge between us, I'd probably still be withdrawn and not want to explore the wonderful country that is my loving partner.
Grant Harper said…
"The aspie relationship with themselves is tedious at best"

Yeah I'm going to call you on that too. I'm tall, eccentric, highly intelligent, like myself, like other people until they give me a really good reason to get away from them, generally cool socially (given that the people in question make at least some attempt at tolerance) and Aspergers up to the eyeballs and out my ears.

Many people have been accepting of my oddness but my strong sense of autonomy, self-medicating behaviour (seclusion etc) and pride in being me has taken it's toll on relationships where they're based on an popularly derived sense of 'normalness'. (I'm writing from Australia where being an outlier is vastly frowned upon, it's referred to as the 'tall poppy syndrome')

I'd say that one reason why aspies don't do the relationship thing is self preservation. Being a terribly sensitive soul my perception of relationships is that after the honeymoon period, acceptance, (as if it's alcohol based) evaporates at room temperature and what is left is an almost capricious need to 'fix' various curious personality traits.
This just strikes me as appalling bad manners; it's also fairly demeaning if you're highly intelligent, introspective and sensitive to then be told that you need straightening and punishing like a small child.

It's Pandoras box: if there is no ruleset, no baseline about how to treat and be treated, if there is no sense of logic to the way in which a relationship is conducted then what is left is ambivalence, anxiety and stress as you never quite know what is going to be the next issue. Basically I just think relationships are too intimate, intense and volatile for the average garden-variety delicate aspie...
eaucoin said…
This post really hit home. I know the reason my depression revisits: 1. The full range of the upside and downside of Aspie giftedness is on display within our own families; it's one thing not to be normal, harder still growing up with the next Bill Gates or someone else with the best permutation of these genes. It means you are being raised in a highly competitive environment that will grow and go with you wherever you live; so that whatever developmental milestone you are lagging at will be highlighted by the juxtaposition of being placed next to the standard of a superlatively successful sibling;
2. It's human nature to exploit human weakness to acquire power, and this will be true even in our intimate relationships, so that our spouse will always be tempted to focus on our Aspie traits as a way of gaining the upper hand. For instance, most moms will tell you that when a husband refers to his children during their misbehavior, he will call them "your children" instead of "our children." My own husband will sometimes imply that the Aspie traits in our two Aspie daughters are learned (from me) behaviour. When he does this it will seem unfair and true at the same time. (I always find ambiguity hard, being cognitively more black and white abled.) This tends to erode the "united front" that is required in difficult parenting situations.
3. It is heartbreaking to watch your children go through the same difficulties without being able to always help them. So while I may be more compassionate toward them, I am sometimes having old wounds reopened in the process. (It's like being forced to do open heart surgery on yourself with no anaesthetic--did I mention that I'm not a surgeon?)
Anonymous said…
THANK YOU! This has been very helpful as I've been through similar situations. It's kind of weird to see that our thoughts are controlled by a syndrome but that's life I guess.
Anonymous said…
Well, I've entered the land of confused. I've read the original article and felt better about my situation, then I read the comments and..feel worse.

I'm not sure I totally buy into the notion that dismissing someone because he or she is boring is not unrelated to self-esteem issues. I mean this not in terms of how one feels about ones' self, but how one feels about ones' self in relation to others' feelings and thoughts.

In my own experience, it seemed more like my Aspie guy's fear to connect with not only my emotions in the context of the relationship, but also fear preventing him to connect with his own very powerful emotions regarding the relationship.
Amanda said…
My depression usually comes out as rage. So, when I am feeling down, this will sometimes manifest as extreme anger at my husband. (For being stupid enough to be with me.)

I think he's stupid and boring and I HATE HATE HATE him!!!

But then later, when I'm calmer/happier... I think, I am probably sad/angry because I am unhappy with myself, not him.

I feel a lot of guilt because I throw so much at him and he takes it all reasonably well. Instead of being able to love and appreciate his niceness, the GUILT makes me feel resentful instead.
Rachel said…
I find myself feeling a combination of what others are saying. On the one hand, when left to my own devices, I like myself very much, I actively value my intelligence and sensitivity, and I enjoy the things I do. On the other hand, when I am spending time with my husband, my feelings about myself will vary widely. Sometimes, I will believe him when he tells me that I give him everything he needs (even the difficult times being experiences he learns and grows from), and sometimes, I just want to apologize constantly for all the difficult times. Slowly but surely, though, I really believe that I am bringing as many gifts into his life as he is bringing into mine.
Anonymous said…
I'm a female who's fallen in love with an Aspie guy. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, but it feel like it was about me, but rather about him.

I'm really heart broken as I wanted to be with him so badly. Can someone please help me with this? I do have some know about Aspie's but not a lot.
Anonymous said…
I was in a relationship with an aspie who when I asked for more attention and time (not a lot more, just more than the couple of hours a week he was prepared to give me and I virtually always arranged everything we ever did anyway) he ended everything and then, although he stated that he wanted to still be friends, he left for university and contacted me twice in 6 months via e-mail! I know he was briefly involved with someone else, but it was very short-lived! I have been so hurt by this lack of concern for me. I was going through such a tough patch in my life and he knew this but it seems that all his communication problems he layed at my door entirely! He appears slightly eccentric but outgoing and funny to others and has a circle of friends who know he is quirky, but do not realise at all how in an intimate relationship, he just is utterly incapable of getting close! We made out once in the whole time we were together! No other girl would have accepted that, but I loved him so much I dealt with it! I came out of the relationship completely emotionally confused, bruised and damaged! He will not talk to me at all and yet we were friends for some years before we became boyfriend and girlfriend, so I am still hurting about this even though a lot of time has elapsed. I suppose it would be good to try and understand why he treats me this way when I know he sees other friends when he comes home from university, but although in the last e-mail he sent he said he wanted us to be friends, he has made no effort in that regard since! I just wondered if there was some insight you could give me as to why he would be so hurtful towards me! He knows that I no longer want to be his girlfriend because I am not a strong enough person to deal with the way he is, but I care about him as a friend. What hurts is that all his other friends seem to be so much more important to him than me and he will put himself out for them which hurts given our history!
Bea said…
Re what Anonymous said on 3 April 2010 - you rang all the bells for me. I'm in love with a man 18 years younger than me and we've been friends for a few years before any sense of attraction occurred. It was after this happening that I noticed he might have AS - tight hugs, sensitivity to touch, narrow interests, eye contact's not direct when in conversation, lack of reciprocity, is helpless at most common sense things, etc. I've read up a lot on AS, been to relationship workshops, been the one who's organised things we do together and understood when he wants space and have let him take time. It hasn't always been easy because he gives absolutely nothing to our relationship and is not good at talking more deeply about our relationship, but I've been there for him. He's got a lot of friends/acquaintances and often cancels dates with me at short notice to be with them, which gives me the idea I'm not that important to him. As a result, sexually, it's been slow and I've been keen to establish trust and not be just an object for his sexual release but know that he wants me for ME. He'd told me he saw a woman once a month for sex so I wanted to be assured that wasn't still going on. I'm deeply in love with him and see the best in him because he's always been sweet, non-macho, has a great intellect and I truly enjoy his company. However, last week, I discovered that the woman he'd been seeing is someone who works with me. She is not a nice woman, is always verbally aggressive and confrontational. I feel that he's lied to me by not telling me he was involved with her. When I asked him if he still saw "the woman for sex", he told me he hadn't pursued things. But she's currently out of the country so he wouldn't be able to. I don't know what he intends to do when she comes back in June (I am leaving my job). I feel he's been manipulative and I don't want to have sex with him now I know he's had sex with her. I could accept it when I didn't know who she was. I am going to tell him it's over. I know he will go into self-pity as he does so often (I don't love anyone and never will, etc), but I deserve a lot better and so do you, Anonymous. A guy who doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship is just that and it's nothing to do with AS. I will be sad for months, maybe years, and I will always hope the best for him, but my self-respect comes first.
Bea said…
It's some weeks later. He was ill and we only communicated by text but finally we had a call, despite that I wanted to see him face to face. I told him that I needed to have space from him, to which he he responded with sadness, and said that the affair with the woman was just casual. I told him I didn't want that kind of relationship but someone who cared for me. He said he would miss me. I can't stand the thought of him settling for this half-life but then maybe I have to accept that his needs are different from mine and always will be. I believe you can't stop love happening to you, no matter how hard you try to stop feeling it, but I guess he's getting his needs met, which is probably all that matters to him, and I will have to move on. I told him I'd get in touch in a year or two but he was not to contact me. I will miss him so much because he's a decent guy and I love him, but life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't want me. Sad, eh? Is it impossible for an Aspie to love deeply?
Anonymous said…
As a NT girlfriend of an aspie, I can say that the part about low self esteem and him thinking I am too good for him is true.

The key to a relationship with an aspie is to listen to him, and to not take it as an empty platitude, like most NTs would be inclined to do, but instead to take it for what it is, and point out reasons why they are good enough (note: do not use empty platitudes, but instead point out what you honestly like/admire about him or her).
Anonymous said…
@annonymous on Oct 12

Yes, I always got the best responses from my ex aspi boyfriend when I pointed out the differences between us as things we could learn from eachother, namely his patience and meticulousness with projects, something I greatly admire in aspis generally, myself having ADD--being all over the place, completely inpatient.

Unfortunately something like this "suddenly backing off" thing still happened to me when I pressed him for more "quality" time. I didn't know back then that he had aspergers. This article really helped me see things from his point of view, though it doesn't forgive him for giving up on me when the going got tough. I never did. Heck he never let me get away with blaming a relationship blunder on my ADD.
francis f. said…
I agree with grant harper. After the honeymoon period, there is the desire to have me be someone I'm not.

I'm not excessively cuddly nor do I want to spend all my waking hours with a person.

And so I'm not in a relationship. I guess I am a garden variety aspie. The only long relationship I had was with another.
Anonymous said…
I am a forty plus male with aspergers and have suffered the highs and lows of the mood swings.I have had numerous affairs in my past, while I was in a long term relationship. The affairs where triggered by my mood, generally when I become highly stressed with and I need the hit off attention without having to to give any back. These affairs where mainly brief one night stands and put me back on an even keel. I felt no guilt what so ever and because of the way I am I don't give any signs out to alert my partner.I am interested to hear if anyone else has experienced this type of behaviour
DAN'S BLOG said…
This is a very good blog...I'm a Auspie pushing slowly on 50s and I also have trouble with relationships, to the point where I decided it's just too hard and I'm better off alone. I think my biggest issue is that women yell and scream, when they get upset or give the cold treatment. These two extremes of emotions
hot /cold are unbearable to me. Plus on top of it I don't understand it. I have found that practising Taichi and meditation helps...and in a way makes relating to people little easier, because of relaxation.
Anonymous said…
I have never experenced love or relationships and it was not until I was 40 and diagnosed with this syndrome(after a melt down at work) that I realised why. I partly lost my virginty at 31 with a escort but the hotel broadcast my attempts a lovemaking all over their other rooms. This resulted in some one shouting comment on my lovemaking. And they where drunk.
Since them I have tried to get into relationships but to no avail.On holiday in sweden and denmark I see many wonderful blonde/blue eyed women and think 'shes nice' . But I don't have a clue on how to attract them.
Anonymous said…
Wow, I have hit my mid-forties and only just self-diagnosed myself as suffering from AS. I have been married for many years to a long-suffering wife to whom I have never been unfaithful but at the same time not that physically attentive. I feel that I often let her down in that area and have recently felt that I need to run away, give her the house and kids and let her get on with her life. That would be the “grand gesture” of guilt talking, nothing more.

Finding out the cause of my total dislike of nightclubs and other loud social events full of strangers is a great relief and also the explanation of why I don’t have many friends. My bubble has consisted of an adulthood filled with unanswered questions as to why no one comes knocking on my door to arrange a social event. That is now answered, I believe I become overly attentive in a “friend” relationship and this makes normal people run a mile. Not to mention the strange sense of humour and my mind wandering through hundreds of permutations as we hold discussions. I often completely lose track of what is being said and with the shifting eye contact I am sure I come across as “bored”.

The problem would appear to be two-fold. The ordinary person treating us like lepers and us getting more and more frustrated with the isolation.

Buying a car is a nightmare. I will find fault with almost everything that isn’t perfect, even a very good one. Rattles, shakes, engine noises, etc. Get me stuck in unexpected traffic and I go off like a nuclear bomb, disrupt my routine with frivolous interruptions and I go bang. Mostly it is my total un-acceptance of other people’s disregard for “me”. An example is traffic jams where I am certain somebody knew about it but “just couldn’t be bothered”. If I ran the traffic department it would be Swiss clockwork with regular bulletin updates and warnings on those multi-million dollar signs.

Holidays. Well, these generally tend to be “driven” – no sitting around or time wasting. Whistle-stop tours of countries where pausing to small-talk with the locals just doesn’t happen. Everything is organised down to the last detail and by the time we get to go away I am often just stepping through the details and not actually enjoying it that much.

Hopefully that hasn’t scared people off too much…
boomzy said…
My problem with relationships.has had little to do with depression or self esteem. I, and as one other aspies, find it hard to consider someone else all the time. If IM in a relationship, IM expected to change my life to include the person and not to make plans without them. they mess up the routine and don't understand why some things are important that may seem like nothing to them. They don't understand why aspies need alone time and want to force you to interact.
Anonymous said…
I am trying to figure out what is going on with a friend of mine that has aspbergers. At one point he really liked me but did not know how to show it and I really liked him too but I wasn't sure if he did or not. At that time I did not know he had aspbergers. I finally told him I liked him and everything got better. He still how a hard time showing his feelings and this job he took stressed him out so bad he became cold towards me. It has been months and now he has a new job and is starting to open up again. He is acting a little better towards me and sometimes I think he is still interested in me and other times not. I don't know what to think. I don't want to talk to him about it at this time because I don't want him to feel pressured. Do Aspies act this way? Do they hurt those that care about them the most or do they hurt those who THEY care about the most? Please help!!
Anonymous said…
I think I've fallen for an aspergers 40something male. Well I don't know if he has got it, he certainly hasn't said but he is an oddball and I have left him twice now in less than a year due to his coldness and aloofness. I have taken a couple of tests to see if it's me but my scores came up 9 and 14 so it's not me. The clues that lead me to think he has got this are as follows
His job is his hobby (or his hobby is his job) he is a company director of three companies connected to specialist cars, skateboards and bmx bikes. It's quite simply his life. He visits the USA 6-7 times per year for car shows. And usually takes on average about 1000 photos of cars per visit...yes an obsession.
His house is a shambles, even employing a cleaner you wouldn't know. Work needing done such as carpets laid, painting or decorating have not been touched for 5 yrs plus when his wife left him.
He was married for 13 yrs and has two children. He told me he never loved her but she suited his purposes and she was the best around at the time and she had her
own life and allowed him to get on with his (job/hobby)
He is obsessed with dating sites and looking for that amazing woman and has dated oodles of women since his divorce but only one and me have come close.
He regularly watches porn which I feel has de sensitised him to women and he only sees them as sex objects.
He told me I had many endearing qualities, more than most and any guy would be lucky to have me but all he wanted from me was a fuck buddy arrangement as in his words..."I'm looking for my amazing woman, I can't find her so what do I do in the meantime" this as you can imagine really hurt.
He monopolises the conversation.....I would say 95 percent about issues at work 4 percent about issues with friends he feels are mental bullies towards him and yeah a bit about his kids and how sexy I look.
He feels uncomfortable in a social environment and when his friends find it easy to chat to women, he feels uncomfortable and would rather go home.
He is on the Internet most of his time (work, dating sites, social network sites and porn)
Wears thick glasses as his eyesight is poor (I'm not surprised)
Very geeky and nerdy looking. My friends are shocked when they meet him...they say "what do you see in him" "he's weird, you can do better" etc etc
A real loner and one who thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. I tried once to see if he could be more open about himself to interact and perhaps he would find it easier to mix but his response "I'm not diluting myself for the sake of others, those people out there like me and understand me, I will find"
I asked him if he was emotionally detached or emotionally unavailable, his reply..."emotionally available to the woman who holds the key and has the right combination " (bizarre)

You may wonder what I do see in him, I really don't know other than he has a meek, mild and genteel way. There isn't an aggressive bone in his body and it's quite calming being in his company (even though he does talk shop all the time). He is quite childlike too, but I find this quite sweet.

I want to address this with him, but unsure if it would be a good idea. I think I could handle things better by having a clearer understanding of him and I know if the case is he does have aspergers or mild wouldn't bother me and I wonder if this is his fear of becoming too close to someone because of this (maybe his secret he can only share with people he knows well and trusts)

Anonymous said…
It's people like the Anonymous who posted at July 4, 2011 7:03 PM, whether Aspie or NT or whatever else, who make their wives die of AIDS.
Anonymous said…
Hi, I am an Aspie male (UK) knocking on 50. Suffering the inability to understand relationship issues with women. I was married in my teens and we have 2 grown up sons, divorced after 13 years, i didnt know i had AS until i was 40 and that then helped explain a lot of my actions/reactions over my whole life period. I would say the main problem is 'taking things literally'. This has got me into a whole heap of trouble. Plus the need when someone asks a question that i give them ALL the details in reply, the ... "more than i needed to know..." scenario then rears up. If it's a girlfriend who asks it 'at the wrong time' in a mood cycle then it usually leads to heartache and tears, for her not for me. For me "i was just being honest" but that isnt then fair on her and my attempts to retract the statement are rejected.

My eldest son is bipolar and the divorce caused a lot of heartache and pain for him. We have had little contact over the years as he feels angry and bitter about what happened. His complaints that "he just wanted a dad" are valid as although i loved him and his brother and his mother for that matter, i didnt know how to relate to them emotionally, i could only 'solve' problems by "throwing money at it" in his words. For me, i was helping by providing financial security and the things they asked for, it didnt occur to me that they wanted something else. I used to give them hugs and cuddles as i am very tactile which appears to be a non-standard trait of AS, but i just didnt know how to 'talk things through' when they needed me. I do try and listen but often fall into the 'normal' male trap of listening to a problem and then trying to 'fix' it.

Not even sure why i am writing this, but thought i would offer my insight into my dealings with AS.

I have broken off a 5yr relationship because i didnt think i loved her and that she deserved to be with someone who would love her as she deserved. We had a good life together, great times, great intimacy, but i didnt 'feel' i loved her and so i felt guilty because of this. I felt i was wrong in holding her back from finding a man who would love her totally as i wanted to do but couldnt. This was also the main cause of my initial marriage breakup, although at that time i was convinced my wife didnt love me, but later found out she did.
But when i have made a decision to 'change my relationship' then i am unchangeable. No amount of talking by family or friends will change my mind, always to my or others detriment.

I am fortunate that i have a good job and 'a few' very good friends who i can rely on 100%, without them i think i would be very unhappy.

Anonymous said…
I am currently in a relationship with a 22 yr old man with Aspergers, we have been together a year & a half , and at the start things were great. Until he started telling me he wasn't good enough for me , and why would i want to be with someone like him! it broke my heart. Recently he (on my 21st birthday may i add) he broke up with me telling me he stil loves me but doesn't want me anymore, i was completely devastated. 3 days later he was back lovey dovey with me which had me all confused, but a month later were getting on great again , but i still think in the back of my head he doesnt care about me? he will comment about other girls he sees on telly or magazines but rarely me! Its driving me insane but i dont want to lose him he is a great guy when were alone. is this normal of someone with aspergers?
Anonymous said…
I just discovered this article and it covers something I'm going in my life perfectly. I've just graduated from high school and I've liked a girl in my class for a few years now but because she's always been very dedicated to her work I've restrained myself from doing anything about it because it's better if she focuses on her work. I always told myself I'll ask her out as soon as we graduate.

But now that we have graduated I've come to the exact same conclusion that you described. I've decided that even though she likes me now as soon as she goes to uni she'll meet more people. So even though I score highest out of the small amount of people she knows right now when she goes to a big city there's guaranteed to be someone who scores higher. And thus, as much as it hurts to do so, I've decided to let her go. The worst part is that I was briefly proud of myself for doing this.

Now I've read your article and heard your experiences I've slightly changed my mind, there's still no way I can ask her out knowing there's someone better for her. But seeing as we're going to be doing the same degree at the same uni I can remain in contact and if I continue to score the highest I'll definitely ask her out. Unfortunately my words can not express how much happiness you've given me. Thank you so much.
Anonymous said…
I dated a guy with similar behaviors as you've listed. he could be a great guy, but other days cold or distant. he would also comment on girls like that- some of them being girls in town! I was told by mutual friends to have patience because of his diagnosis. I did. he broke up with me. we remained friends. two years later he -very randomly- asks me out. then I barely hear from him for 3 weeks. (a sentence at a time)

he will always be important to me no matter what happens, but I don't know how to approach/don't understand some of these situations with him.

thank you for posting your experience btw
Anonymous said…
I learn so much from this forum. I dated and fell in love my undiagnosed Aspie boyfriend. We dated for six or seven months, and then he grew distant. At 52, he had only had about five short term (6 month each) relationships. Should have been a red flag. I was devastated when we broke up. Once I sensed his distance, I asked him if he wanted to continue dating, and he told me he had reached a turning point weeks earlier. He said he tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. The most likely turning point? He made plans to leave town for short pleasure trips and never told me about either of them. This was the very first time I expressed a need, which was that it was important to me that he tell me when he was going away. Not to get permission, but just to keep me in the loop since he was my boyfriend. He got angry at that request, and then grew distant. We didn't talk for months, then began speaking again. He did tell me that he didn't want to get back together, and "the fact is that I am not good boyfriend material." Months later (even though we were still in touch), he sent an e-mail message to me on Valentine's Day saying "Be My Valentine!" Probably not significant, but I wanted to believe that he missed me in that special way. Again I'm confused, as I was constantly while we were dating. Yes, we always had serious communication problems ... in part due to my ever increasing anxiety due to my confusion. Is it likely that my finally expressing needs caused him to back away? Prior to that he seemed really into me. Man, what a hard time I had because I fell so hard for him. It sounds like a lot of people on here have had similar experiences. Anyone ... please tell me if there's hope for us to become an "us" again, or will I need to cease all communication so that my heart can mend.
Anonymous said…
Follow up to the message I just posted about the "Be My Valentine!" message after we broke up several months ago. Was he being like a kindergartner who doesn't understand that someone who is in love with him might misconstrue that message, or is it possible that he means it? This confusion is driving me crazy.

To my knowledge he is undiagnosed, but he uses a lot of the terminology such as telling me about his "meltdowns", tell me he can't multi-task, seeming perplexed and confused by statements people make, gullible (once with strangers where he was actually in danger), acting convinced that he has "many, many, many dear, dear, dear, dear friends" -- most of whom really don't seem to care about him or were maybe nice to him once or twice, and class issues at work that I've seen documented in blogs and articles time and time again. He seems to really believe that he's not good boyfriend material, although I sometimes wonder whether that was an excuse. Mind you, he's never really had a relationship at 52. Someone tell me, please. Could there have been significance in asking me to be his Valentine, or is the mindblindness preventing him from considering how such a message could confuse or hurt me if he wasn't sincere. I swear sometimes that I'm going insane, both while we were together and since.
Anonymous said…
Wowwww!! Reading this, is like looking into a mirror at myself. my aspergers condition has often stopped me from approaching relationships let alone maintaing them. I suffer with very sever depression. Extreme highs and lows. I cut people from life at the drop of a hat without explanation?!

I literally started seeing this girl about a week ago.. she saw through my condition... But something seemed ajar, and I over analysed it to the point where I blocked her from Facebook without even telling her... I don't mean to be evil. I just cant trust a lot of women.... As a result I feel alone. I've lives alone for coming on 7/8 years now and it depresses me not having anyone around. A lot of the serious relationships I've been involved in, have often been long distance...

I've been to counsellors and they say my problems are too complex to address. I was on medication (anti-depressants) but due to a failed overdose attempt. I chose not to you use them. My behaviour can often be erratic and sudden. So il do things without thinking of the consequences, it scares me, to think I may grow old alone.. i also fear, the fact that I could have found the perfect girl. But due to my inability to comprehend the positives I feel like I may have destroyed my life routes. I try to deal with my depression adequately, but I've noticed my negative moods are becoming more frequent. Can you offer any advice??

Many thanks
Anonymous said…
I dated an aspie woman and oh boy was I miserable. Especially when they flat out deny it and put so much blame into other people. Why would anyone ever put themselves through that non-sense? Life is tough as it is and now I'm dating someone and who loves to laugh and isn't depressed all the time. The dark cloud is gone.It was fun.. ...NOT!!!!
adnan said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
adnan said…
Greetings from NJ - USA.
I just learned I either have asp or simply traits of it - so trying to figure out a few things - such as are you either asp or not asp - or is having a few traits considered as an asp? I've had several fantastic jobs, earned good money, have a wife and child. so just curious to compare notes, cheers.
Unknown said…
first- thank you for your post. One of my very best friends with Aspergers finally asked me out- then was upset at me (for reasons I do not know) and stopped talking to me. I've known that when he gets nervous about asking girls out or is dealing with a problem he sometimes dissappears. Its been almost 3 months and I care about him. I just want to be there for him- but he's blocked me on facebook and won't talk online elsewhere.

personally I just wanted communication- just to say "I'm ok. ill be back soon" I still have many things to learn about him- but I try very hard to be more understanding each day.
if the girl is right for you she'll be okay with being there through good and bad.

from the perspective of a girl wanting to still da te my friend with aspergers- let her know that you did not mean to hurt her if you accidentally did. and let her know you are interested. taking steps like these- no matter how small at first are very significant.
Anonymous said…
All you aspies need to do the world a favour and go fuck off and die!

You try and get women totally out of your league and then wonder why they reject you. Maybe it's because you all smell, you don't brush your teeth, you have disgusting habits, no self-awareness, you compulsively eat junk food, are lazy and have no idea about life. I have seen aspie men cause chaos in women's lives and simply not give a shit that they are destroying a person's life. A woman is just a mother figure to an aspie. GO FUCK YOURSELVES!
Anonymous said…
Unless you women want every aspect of your life ruined and your health to suffer greatly, DO NOT DATE AN ASPIE. You will end up with PTSD. These men are nothing more than emotionless monsters who have an "excuse" to treat women like shit as they "have a disorder"
Gavin Bollard said…
Scully's Apartment,

There's a reason why I let comments through even if I don't agree with them. It's to give my readers a chance to see all kinds of reactions from all kinds of different people.

Thank you for presenting a different perspective. I'll let my readers make up their own minds.

(Other readers, please no personal attacks against scully's apartment - or anyone else - as I can't permit direct personal attacks on people here).

Fine to post conflicting opinions though.
Anonymous said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said…
I wanted to share something that happened to me which has been really hard to deal with. I met a woman on a dating site and we talked for about 2 weeks online and on the phone. We planned a date in Boston/Cambridge which is about an hour away from me. Needless to say an unfortunate set of circumstances happened and now she has completely cut off all contact with me. I am extremely confused, angry, and hurt. I have struggled with AS most of my life and I was not diagnosed until I was 15. I am now 33 and have had almost zero success with women. It is always the same story honestly. And now I realize it was never about me at all.

It's funny because I seem to pick the most messed up insecure women. But this last one was probably the worst of the worst. An ex cocaine addict (me being a recovering alcoholic for almost 11 years), low self-esteem. Before we met she told me she was worried I would not like her. She seemed to really like me though for who I was. My special interest actually is the punk subculture. So I literally know everything about it and I have tons of clothes in that style. This woman was into the same thing but obviously not with the same intensity. We were going to go to all these punk shows and hang out. I was so happy and excited.

And then the date went okay I thought. Until she had to call it off because she got a call from her mother saying her brother had a seizure and was in the hospital. So I left and then got home to a "nice" e-mail in my box saying that she did not feel a connection to me. I lost it calling her like 10 times in a row. I basically scared the crap out of her.

So now I am even more confused because I feel it is all my fault that she left. But now I realize she was afraid for her own reasons. I believe she was afraid I did not like her because that is what depressed and insecure people do. They run. I understand that some on here mentioned an AS guy who does the same thing and calls everything off. I don't know maybe she had AS but it was never confirmed.

At this point I am still in a few online dating sites looking for someone and its hard for people with AS as you all know. Sometimes I feel like I will not be able to love a woman like an NT can. I think this quest is also a special interest for me. I am mesmerized when I see a young couple in love. I want it so bad for myself. I feel that it will happen because I am worth people's time. It just hurts to know that some would not even give me a chance because they think aspies are jerks or assholes. It's so wrong. We have to work so hard to fit in and the frustration sometimes causes us to lash out at those we care about.
adnan said…
Hello Anonymous -

There is no easy answer to your experience, and perhaps you don't need an answer - so instead I might share my experience and personal observations with you.

You may want to check the bookstore or library for a timely book called "The Journal of Best Practices, A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband" - it may help provide some guidance for relationships with the NTs, and IMHO is a good guide for also NT husbands / men as well.

As for relationships I would not criticize yourself over this incident or any relationship - I myself am coming out of a 16+ year relationship - or rather having it evolved into a different type of relationship - now I think part of the reason has been some of these aspergian tendencies I'd self observed.

There is nothing wrong with being comfortable in your own skin with who you are and how you live your life - and IMHO instead of looking for love - I encourage you and others to live your life to your best ability, and experience love come to you - after all searching for love and having it end can be heart-breaking and I imagine difficult for aspies and NTs equally.

A friend of mine who experienced a break up had told me he was never happy when he sought out love and a companion, as he was looking and looking instead of simply being and living mindfully - after he stopped searching - a woman came into his life - the one he had been seeking actually found him, because he was being himself and honest to himself.

If you need a little bit of medicine - try some laughter by watching "Silver Linings Playbook" the movie (avoid the book which is too serious).

Do look forward and upward, and remember the first thing you do when you wake up every day is to simply SMILE. Cheers,
Anonymous said…
I agree w scully about the ptsd thing. I'm NT, he's AS. First two years were great, then we had a baby and the next 5 years were HELL. I've been to the brink of suicide and insanity and finally back after a 2 year separation. Almost together 10 years and every day is a struggle. I've had to detach almost entirely as to remain in the relationship at all and not lose myself. I stay because my AS child loves him and they "get" each other. I feel like I am mother to them both. I feel like I am doing time. Abandoning them feels wrong yet staying feels abusive. I have to mske time for myself with a lot of self care. I honestly do not get many of my needs met in this relationship. Our child, however, gets most of hers met by staying. Not an easy life. It seems no easier on him though, I have to say.
Unknown said…
I was dating a man for 2 months who I now suspect is AS. I am NT, although I do have a few AS traits. I am shy and find it hard to find people who I think are not worthwhile to connect with. This may be more due to the fact that I grew up isolated in a small family. My father was physically abusive and would blow up under stress. My mother tired to do it all. She is a strong woman! That said I was a model for a few years in Los Angeles. Anyways I fell head over heels for my AS boyfriend as did he. He was super gentle, kind, caring and a total gentleman. He always carried my handbag as it is always super heavy and tended to my needs. In 2 months we didn't have sex as he wanted to wait until we were married - yes he said he wanted to marry me. I was the one who had meltdowns over nothing. I think this is because I am suffering from PTSD from prior bad relationships with NT men. My AS BF was trying to help me overcome all that. He is highly spiritual and is a spiritual author. He was raised Catholic and still keeps his religious morals.
Anyways we broke up after a I had another meltdown over seemingly nothing. I think that deep down I did feel a disconnect and it made my very anxious. It didn't make sense to me that both women in his previous relationships just walked out on him - never to be seen again. He was wonderful with me but the waiting for sex didn't make total sense. I got the feeling he was afraid of it. He said he wanted to show me that he was willing to wait for me which was beautiful but he later revealed that he thinks he is asexual. I am very intuitive so I must trust that even though he was "perfect" I felt that something was awry. He is 53 and like no one I have ever met in my life. I grew up in Australia and now live in Los Angeles and have traveled all over the world. I thought he was the answer to all my prayers when we met and even my mother was so happy that I finally found a Godly, loyal, moralistic man who was good-looking, kind, caring, considerate and not into the "scene."
So after reading all these posts and researching online and being consumed with all of this for the last week non stop, perhaps God knows better and is sparing me from a lifetime of hardships. I don't know and I am heart broken right now. However my life is about to change with a new career so I will keep you all updated as to what happens.
Thank you for this blog, otherwise I would feel so alone.
Anonymous said…
I am.currently an 18 year old aspie male, I realize many people feel differently about many things, I can see how in the past I have retracted myself because I felt it was for the greater good, usually it's due to a feeling of inadequacy which very well may be correct, my issue is after each failed relaion ship I was able to actually change my view of the person such as thinking of her in a different light, right now I am in what is probably the worst situation I feel I have ever been in, I am in love with a girl (I suppose you could say woman) she is a little order than I am but we were both in the same grade, (sorry if iam diverging) my point is she was highly troubled, she has a history of being abused, neglected, molested, raped, along with all of that she has also had many near death experiences, and due to her life experiences she is untrusting of men, and for some reason, far beyond my understanding, I love her, and it may come to the point where she tells me she doesn't like me, but even though all of that I still find a way to be I love with her even though she doesn't show any real response to me telling her that I love her, something I had a discussion with a few months ago, and I guess part of it is she has never responded negatively to me really, and I realize her trust issues are something that she can't change, when around her I try yo be considerat and try as hard as I can to give her my attention, and I have told her if I ever make her uncomfortable. Ll she needs to do is tell me what I can do to alleviate that, my issue is I realize that all of my feelings are impracticle, and that I should just not talk to her or that I should kill my self (which is something that makes no sense either because I know all it does is cause other people pain which is why I am fairly sure I won't kill myself, anyway I want to be whatever she needs from me wither that be just a freind or otherwise, I can't seem to allow myself to change how I view her, I feel as if I am being riped in half and I can't fully decide to stay or leave, which makes me feel like these feelings are abhorrations, and unnatural, I would like to know how I should proceed in any regard
Anonymous said…
I need some help... I think I have a friend with asperger. When he sensed he was getting too close to me, he just backed up entirely and didn't want the friendship anymore. I obviously care about him and would like the have the friendship back but he just disappeared. I wrote him 4 or 5 nice and caring e-mails but he never answered to them. Should I never write or contact him again because he apparently doesn't want it with the fear that he will never get in touch anymore or should I go on writing to make him feel that I care about him and I'm there for him? Which is the best approach? I just have no clue... Thanks
Anonymous said…
From my experience, I'd say don't ever push him. Give it time, and he might reach back to you.

I have a different problem, I'm not sure what to believe, I find myself doubting my sanity sometimes. The situation is my aspie friend spends a lot of time talking with me, claims to care for me, and is physically attracted to me. However he insists that he doesn't love me and that he just doesn't want a relationship with anyone, because he feels he cannot offer people what they want from him.

Is my hope that this might some day change (he's young btw) ridiculous and retarded? My NT friends all say he's just an egoistic emotionless bastard, get him out of your life. And I just cannot bring myself to doing that after years of longing for him.
I understand this summary is very brief and lacking a lot of complexity, but if anyone has a comment, opinion or advice, I'd appreciate it.
Anonymous said…
to Anonymous who wrote on July 31st and all other people who might want to help us: I'm Anonymous who wrote on July 21st:
From my experience with my male aspie friend I first of all want to say that they are absolutely NOT egoistic emotionless bast****. The have very deep emotions but they sometimes are not able to express them and sometimes they pretend not to have them to protect themselves. My friend also spent a lot of time with me, claimed to care very much and found me attractive. But when our relationship began to become very strange and include feelings, he began to back off completely. He also insulted me twice, claiming that I was the only one wanting the friendship/relationship but this is obvioulsy not true. This I think might be explained by what in this blog (part 1 of why do aspies suddendly back off in relationships) is called "Resistance to change", so your aspie friend might be only very very afraid and scared of a change in your relationship. The word I've heard most from my friend in connection with me is "I'm scared". So it might be that in the end your friend changes his mind and overcomes his fears and start a relationship with you but if yes, you will have to be prepared to the fact that he will need a lot more distance than what you need and this will hurt you very very much if you are NT. Anyway, love is love and you cannot really decide to have or stop feelings, can you?? For what concerns me, after the first time he insulted me, we somehow managed to stay friends but after the second time he is much more rigid and doesn't want to be friends anymore. Also, I didn't know until 3 weeks ago that he had aspergers, so I even stressed him a lot saying a lot of times that I wanted back the friendship and I wanted to see him often again. The result is that now he avoids me completely and is totally scared of me and I doubt we will ever be friends again. Of course this is causing me a lot of pain and sadness and I'm desperately trying to understand him and let him alone but I fear that this time it might really be too late. Any advice on why he behaves like this and what I should do now would be precious because I really do not know how to make him understand that I care and that he shouldn't be afraid of me and that we can again spend time together. Thank you!
Anonymous said…
Hey, July 21 anonymous. Thank you for a more positive view than what I usually hear.
I cannot claim this behavior of his has anything to do with AS, but if it does, it might comfort you to know that earlier I spent quite a few months not having any contact with my friend, because he freaked out once my feelings became obvious, and he chased me away in a pretty rude manner. But now we're back to what we had before.
Wish you all the luck, fellow-sufferer! :)
Anonymous said…
Thanks. He is not going to talk to me anymore. I think it's a decision which will last for ever. I saw him today by chance and he did nothing, no gesture at all to show me that there's any kind of hope. I'm trying all my best and he's simply not. He's made a decision and that's it, he's not going to change it. I find all this terribly sad. Whatever I do, whichever effort, is not going to change things. He also in the past freaked out when he understood my feelings but I think he also freaked out when he understood his own feelings. I do not really understand what they are most scared of, if from our feelings or theirs. Anyway, as said, I think for me it's just too late. Thank you from July 21 anonymous
Bjg1984 said…
I started talking to this girl almost three years ago, and was hesitant about dating her. We talked for a few weeks then we started dating. About a month into it I fell in love with her, I mean I experienced a feeling from her that was so amazing and a feeling that I've never felt before. So I guess you would call it the honeymoon phase right? Well about two months later I started feeling less emotions and getting more irritable. I was devistated I thought it was over and I didn't want it to be, but I wasn't starting to focus on negatives and then I freaked out and was depressed for a while. I believe that nothing good comes easy so I fought for it. We are married now but ever since then I have had anxiety about how I am constantly feeling about her. My happiness comes and goes, and other life stresses impact this as well. My wife is beautiful, caring, understanding, and very good me, and everyone else thinks so including my therapist. I know I love her more than anything in the world I just hate waking up most days and having to push my self throug the anxiety to be happy. Not being able to feel that initial magic most of the time kills me inside. Does any one else go through this? And I do have aspergers by the way. I went to special schools and clinics for a few years and after that I always thought I was in the clear until I got into a longterm relationship. Help!!
RS said…
Exactly how I feel about myself. I have difficulty comforting my SO, and since his ex and ex-friend seems to be better than me in that aspect. I have been so close to giving up the relationship, with the belief that I'm not good enough for him and I should let him go to someone whom he's more compatible and outwardly caring. If it weren't for his persistence, I believe that I would have broken up with him long ago. The worst thing? I don't know why I feel this way, even though I know very well deep down in my heart that I will never want to give him up .
Now that we are aware of the root of the issue, I believe that I can approach our relationship with a different mindset. At first I was deeply disappointed at the news of me having AS, but I see myself in a whole new light, which is refreshing. Thanks for bringing this knowledge into light! :)
Bjg1984 said…
Thanks !! I am glad we could help eachother out. I was constantly questioning if she was right for me but also at the same time knew she was the best thing that ever happened to me. Having AS means lots of repairing and hardwork to make things alot easier. I spent two years split between a very special psychiatric clinic ( not a psych ward lol) and birding school for kids with special needs. It was there were I started becoming the person that I consider truly me. Now for relationships I didn't have really any success with women until college. I had a couple of girlfriends they either cheated on my or I broke up with them because it wasn't meant to be, also all of these only lasted about three weeks a piece. And aside from these the rest of my experience with women is from one night stands. My point is I never had any relationship more than a couple of weeks at a time experience. So when I met my sou mate I thought everything was going to be perfect for ever just like in the movies. So I am learning as I go, constantly happy and frustrated at the same time. I learned about my As when I was 13 and I am now 28 do I've had so much experience. Most people that find out that I have as and the don't believe and it's because I have so much practice with routines and behaviors that I don't have to work at it that hard, but in the marriage side where I have had no experience I am constantly in the dark. I also I don't if this happens to anyone else, but just when I feel that I am at my worst my wife always seems to make feel like we did when we first fell in live and it reminds me all of the hard work is worth it but it doesn't mean that is easy for me when that wears off.
Anonymous said…
Dear Bjg 1984, dear R.S. and all who read,I'm the woman who wrote calling herself July 21st. I'm NT and I'm writing because I'm feeling very much alone and also to tell the end of my story, which is a sad story. But mostly because I believe that the secret for having a successful love relationship or a friendship between an NT and an AS is trying to communicate as much as possible, even if this is very hard. So, for Bjg and for R.S. and others, what we NT mostly expect is that you share and communicate your fears with us.I know it is very hard, I know, believe me, I saw it with my friend. What we are more scared of, instead, is when you interrupt the communication or the relationship. So my advice is, do communicate as much as possible, do not give up on us as you would expect us not to give up on you and don't think that you are not enough for us: you are enough and we like you!!!! As concerns me, as said, I had a male AS friend who I was very affectionate to. We had many problems when the relationship became too close and he insulted me twice, the second time telling me that I should leave him alone and never wanting to be alone with me anymore since 4 months. At that time I didn't know he had AS, so I pushed him a lot, writing him that I wanted the friendship back and that I wanted to spend some time alone with him. As a result he was even more scared of me and avoiding me even more. When one month ago I discovered by chance he had AS, I changed very much and tried to be very kind but not pushy when I met him by chance. He noticed that for sure, but he was still very scared and refused to be alone with me. In the end, after one month of me behaving very nicely, he left for good for his home country, which is different from my home country, and decided not to say goodbye to me, even though he knew I really wanted to say goodbye. He didn't meet me in person and didn't write me a line either. He just disappeared. This is something that hurt me so much I cannot even describe in words. And mostly, I do not even know if I ever hear from him again, but I think not. Whatever I could do for him, I did, but he doesn't want the friendship and doesn't even want to say goodbye. If anyone has some advice or at least some comforting words I would be grateful because I feel very sad. Thanks!
Anonymous said…
Oh, poor soul, July 21. You make me wanna hug you. But I suppose sometimes there comes a moment where we have to accept the things we cannot change. You cannot force anyone into wanting or feeling things. Though perhaps, if you two are meant to be (however you interpret that), he will reach out to you in time. And perhaps you will find happiness elsewhere. Either way, the pain will slowly fade in time. Take care.
Bjg1984 said…
Sounds like you are better off. Coming from experience with having aspergers and some of the troubled relationships. Sometimes we are feeling so much raw emotion we don't know what we are feeling. I feel that your friend as much as this might hurt, is no longer interested and has already made up his mind. However, aspie or not you shouldn't have been treated the way you were there's no excuse for that. It sounds like your heart is heavy and deserve much better. However there is the chance he might realize what he is missing down the road but I wouldn't get my hopes up. I know it hurts but time will heal.
Anonymous said…
Thanks to Anonymous and Bjg 1984. Yes, I need a hug and yes, I'll accept that he doesn't want any contact with me of course. However, I feel like I've always tried to save the friendship and made a lot of efforts to understand him, but he instead just gave up in the end. Or probably was never interested in the friendship. The last thing he did after not having said goodbye, which was already very horrible, was that he gave the presents that I had made him to a colleague of mine because he apparently didn't want to keep them. So yesterday this colleague of mine gave me the bag with inside the presents I had made him. It was very humiliating and sad. I mean, you do not give back presents! So yes, I do not deserve this, but it still hurts. However, your comments help me a bit. If I can offer any advice from an NT point of view of just from an understanding human being point of view on any subject, I will.
July 21st
K.S. said…
I never really meant to comment, or even read all the comments, but I got stuck reading and after reading the posts by "Anonymous, July 21st" I even felt I had to comment. I just happened upon this post due to a random question I had about myself and relationships, as I'm at the end of my screening for AS. With all three who've conducted the screening leaning heavily to me having AS, I'll get the definitive answer in a week though, but it'd surprise me if they suddenly came back with a no.
However, I'm a, 24 years old, male with AS and as I read your story, "July 21st", it felt like I read about myself, regarding your friend. I've become known for disappearing by everyone around me, and everyone around them even. Last year I isolated myself for nine months, from everyone. On a smaller, more common scale, I disappear from every new relationship, friendly or romantic, withing weeks/months. I come back, but it's a constantly repeating pattern. It's something I've both hated and craved. I hate myself for not being able to cope with relationships changing, evolving or even taking up too much time. Yet I always come to the conclusion that it's for the best, since I need time alone and much of it and I also always come to the conclusion that others are better of without me anyhow. Now that I read your story though, was the first time I think I started to grasp what that means/can mean to others, NTs, around me.. I even started to feel the need to apologize for his behavior, something I won't do since I can't read his mind, of course, just because I recognized myself in what you wrote. I generally don't concern myself with how others feel, unless they're very close to me, but I really do hope you'll feel better soon. Also thank you for shedding some light on the messages, what I considered over-dramatic ramblings in ridiculous amounts, from NT-friends, that I get when I've disappeared. Mainly the thought behind them, the well-meaning. As others have said before, all those messages and phone-calls just made me back off even more and I still think it'll be hard for me not to, but at least now I get them and can try.
Anonymous said…
Dear K.S.,
I'm July 21st. Thank you for your words. In many respects, you are far ahead than my friend. You almost felt the need to apologise to me in his place. He never felt the same need. Then you said you have a pattern of disappearing but you always come back, whereas he never will. Finally, you are trying to understand what your behaviour can mean to other people. I really want to tell you that in my opinion you are in the right direction!!! Also, a comment of you stroke me: that is, when you disappear you usually think others are better off without you. I assure you it's not like that at all!! We MISS you when you are not there. The more often an NT calls you when you disappear or writes you the more he/she is affectionate to you and cares about you. It's our way to show that we care. Usually if you disappear and do not want any contact for a long period or for ever with us, an NT will interpret this as a sign that you do not care at all about us, that you do not miss us and do not love us or do not give value to our friendship. I'm not discussing if this is true, right, or wrong. It's just like that. The more we try to contact you and connect with you, the more we care. Since you need more often distance, I think the only solution is, if possible, that you explain this to us, so that we do not take it personally and we give you the space that you need. Even a small sign of communication on your side can help us... At some point my friend decided that I was asking him too many questions, thus "invading" his life, as he said. To us, the more questions we ask you, the more we are interested in you. When I was told I invaded too much, of course I tried to change and, since I was not allowed to ask any questions at all for fear that he got angry, when I saw him I tried to communicate with my eyes, which was the only means left. Somehow it worked, until his final decision not to say goodbye and to disappear. I mentioned this to make an example of how to us communication is fundamental. A difference I found instead between you and my friend is that you isolate yourself from everybody whereas he isolated himself only from me. He's still in contact with all our common friends except me. I have difficulties interpreting this. I sometimes think that this is because he didn't care about me, whereas some other time I just think the opposite: that he cared about me more than about all other people and that he had to push me away because I got too close and he told me things he never told to anybody or I accepted him for what he is, like no other people did. However, there were times when I also hurt him. Not intentionally, but I did. So, even if I'm suffering very much, I do not want to give the idea that I was the only one suffering. I found an internet site where AS are represented as porcupines, meaning that they hurt you if you come too close and vice versa. I think this is what happened to us both. In any case, I've tried my best and I would do the same if he ever contacted me again, which he is obviously not going to do. Sorry for writing too much and good luck!!!
Anonymous said…
I'm a 27 yr old female who was approached by a 30 yr old guy with AS. He invited me out for dinner oson after and he had a hard time picking a restaurant, kept complaining about other people, and tried to avoid confrontation ( not because he was scared of fighting, but that he was afraid he would kill someone.) We had a fallout later, and every time we saw each other it was hostile. Months later we started talking again like nothing ever happened, and at times we even get very intimate with each other even though we aren't dating. Is odd really, we feel extremely comfortable and open to each other ( especially when drinking) and then go back to our normal lives". We even talked about how weirdly comfortable we do feel with each other, yet we do have moments when we do fight. Especially when all i w ant to do is help. I like him a lot. He is very protective, caring, focused, and respectful. I just wish I could show him, or that he would let me show him how wonderful he truly is and goes much potential he has. Any advice on how i can do this without upsetting or aggregating him? Especially if he's may have self esteem, depression, and the need for space?
Unknown said…
I feel this blog has been helpful. I'm 30 F and looking for penpal. Hopefully, to visit with. I tell family I am single by choice. Sadly, this is untrue.
Buzzy Bee said…
I'm a NT that just began an relationship with a man in his late 20's that I highly suspect has AS, especially after doing some research, talking to a professional, & reading through the majority of the comments on this post.

Recently, he's backed off with his efforts to communicate with me and

After reading through a few different perspectives, I want to know if anyone has had any successes with dating an aspie and to let me know if there are any tips for an NT in communicating my needs (he disregards them when I subtly communicate these to him).

I would also appreciate any tips for on dating someone with AS.

What helps build stronger relationships for NTs with aspies?

What are some of the biggest obstacles in a NT and aspie relationship and what are ways of overcoming these obstacles?

My deepest gratitude goes out to all of you for sharing your wide range of experiences. It is really helping to shed light on the inconsistencies that are occurring in my current relationship.
cgreen said…
" made up by aspies will tend to be tainted with their own self image" case / point
Akania said…
Interesting blog. I'm ADD and recently thinking I have some AS traits but probably not full AS, I don't know. I always score high but never thought I was AS as I thought AS people don't have empathy which I knew I had. I find it hard to connect with people so I can understand the need for solitude to destress. But my boyfriend is the typical AS though not diagnosed, he won't bother and he melted down after I tried to see him more often. For someone who's not AS, unexplained disappearances from someone you care for are almost like being punched in the gut. It's been discovered that emotional pain actually corresponds to actual pain centres in the brain so yes like a punch to the gut.
Just like having to cope with invasions of space for an AS is very upsetting, so are the disappearances for us. My family knows I disappear sometimes. I tell them and occasionally send them something so they know I'm alive. Sometimes it's not even words but pictures of me, emojis or different articles I find so they know I'm alive and don't worry too much. If I'm able to chat, I will, if not they understand I won't be able to reply. But we reached a compromise.
In many stories of NTs and Aspies, its the NT who tries to learn the Aspie whilst the Aspie just does what they want and blame the NT for everything. Though it also goes the other way. Both situations are not fair. Tell the NT about your feelings and likewise. If this is not possible, tell the non AS person about your communication needs in the first date instead of reeling them in and hoping things will magically sort themselves out.
Anonymous said…
My ex girlfriend informed me today that she was diagnosed as high functioning aspergers which is a relief for both of us as it allows for closure and understanding as to why we were both frustrated about the dynamic.
I would love for us to try again but I have read on here that aspies often need space and timeuto breath. I could never understand how she was so hot and cold but I understand this now.
I love and care for her with all my heart. When she was diagnosed I wanted to cry. I feel a range of thoughts. I have gotten over the worse of the heartache due to her bailing out after I asked her to make a decision on treating the relationship like one and not going back and forth. She decided to end it and after a lovely week spent together I was shocked.
I understand fully now why things happened as they did and why the communications between us was frustrating at best. It did not flow at all. One moment she would be very attentive and next day cold and distant.
Despite this I still love her with all my heart. Our relationship was interesting because the love I have for her is not your passionate fireworks love but a love that is very deep.I feel like we are an amazing fit together.
But as I know she needs her space. It makes sense now why she felt so overwhelmed at me being very emotional toward her when I was frustrated. She could not process it.
I would love for us to try again but I know that time and understanding will determine what happens eventually.
I am not angry anymore. The confusion and wracking my mind trying to work out what on earth happened makes sense now.
I secretly wish that no one can match up to my patience and understanding and hope she sees that we were great together but its part narcissistia on my past I admit. I too am not the most secure person in the world.
I wish her all the best. Its definitely not easy toxwork with an aspie however love and discussion may go a long way. Of course for some of us it cannot work and that is fine too.
Anonymous said…
While reading this blog has been somewhat comforting, I still find it hard to deal with the end of the relationship with an aspie. I don't know for a fact that he has aspergers, but he's awfully quirky and bit socially awkward. I did confront him a year ago and he did not deny having aspergers, but changed the subject. I didn't push. We had been dating about a year and a half when I discovered he was still dating others in search of that elusive woman who was his rocket to the moon. I ended it - he didn't even seem bothered by it. Completely devoid of any emotion. I'm still reeling a bit as it just happened. My friends say to just forget him, but i fell in love. I don't think he will ever speak to me again. And I honestly don't know if he's even aware of the hurt he causes others. His first wife left him 15-20 years ago and he has just dated since then. I have no idea if he ever got over that hurt. I've read a little about aspergers, but have not truly educated myself on the subject. I just wish i knew what he was thinking...assuming he even has thought about me. I let him call the shots and gave him all the space he needed/wanted. Never pushed. I guess I just need to get over the hurt and move on. Thank you for posting the blog. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has loved and lost an aspie.
Anonymous said…
I'm not diagnosed but this hits way too close at home. I'm 20 and I still live at home due to economic reasons, but should I talk with my parents about AS? I mean, is AS something I can live with without any kind of help? All these feelings are driving me insane and I don't know if it is AS or something else but it's not nice at all
Anonymous said…
I know i'm very late with this post but i only just found this blog (great btw).
I have a boyfriend with AS & everytime i get mad or express that i am upset he backs off & often walks away. I know he does this because he doesn't want me to be around him when he has upset me but i want him to stay & talk. what can i do?
Also he has a habit of turning situations back on me e.g. if i have upset him & then his response upsets me (i always apologise & make sure he's ok) he will often simply reference the fact that i upset him & am in the wrong.
Both of these behaviours undermine my feelings, make it all about him & make me feel like my feelings don't matter.
I love him so much & we have a good relationship, this is the only thing that worries me.
Do you have any advice or insight?
Thank you so much
Gavin Bollard said…
Anonymous, it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't like confrontation.

Since you want him to listen to you and to understand your feelings, I'd suggest that you write him a letter (or an email).

Let him read it away from you and in his own time.

Put your feelings down and tell him what you want him to do.

Encourage him respond in writing too as this takes the likelihood of confrontation away.
MC said…
I'm an Aspie female living in the States.

Over the years, I have made (and enjoyed) many attempts at liking myself and believing I am a good person.

Always, ALWAYS, they end in the people who care about me screaming about what an autocratic, self-absorbed, incredibly foul person I have become.

Positive self-esteem (or what would be positive self-esteem for a normal person) IS NOT A POSITIVE THING IN SOMEONE WITH ASPERGER'S.

Hating ourselves and repressing all that is "self" (Greek, 'autos,' the root word from which 'autism' is derived) makes it possible for us to "pass" for normal, be acceptable to normal people, and have relationships in which we will not ultimately be rejected.

Those are the facts we have to accept. Like ourselves in isolation, or hate ourselves and join the world. PLEASE STOP SPREADING THE MESSAGE THAT IT CAN BE ANY OTHER WAY. It is a false hope that holds people back.
Anonymous said…
hi- thank you for this post. i just broke up with my boyfriend who i'd been with for 7months. i'm NT female in 30s living in tokyo. things were so great and i was feeling that we were really moving towards something significant possibly moving in together or getting married. but literary one day in the midst of happiness, he sent me an email saying he needed to talk, implying he wanted to break up. he would not pick up the phone, he had to see me and talk in person. he wrote he was really confused. i was caught off guard and panicked but after two meetings over 3 days we decided to break up. in the midst of happiness, just like that it was over. he had already made up his mind, and whatever i said, i realized he wouldn't reconsider. i could tell he liked me, but his face said that he was determined to break up. there was no room for discussion or convincing.

the reasons he gave for breaking up was because he thought people around him become unhappy. he doesn't intend to but people get hurt, and he is the reason their life is ruined. he said if we stop now, when we are happy and have good memories of each other, we might be able to be friends. but if we got married, or lived together, i would start seeing things about him he didn't want me to see, and (he called me) i am a "giving" person, i would pour my heart and give everything until there's nothing left, while he won't be able to give me what i want or need. so for me, for my happiness, he thought we cannot be together.

it made no sense to me. i thought, we clearly like each other, we are important to one another, and since the future is always uncertain, we just can try to work it out and not give up. we have something so special so let's try. isn't that what relationships were about?

to me, he had always been sweet, funny, so genuine sometimes with an expression like a little boy, calm, understanding and very intelligent. sometimes i worried about him not calling back, or wondered why he'd get so caught up about specific social issues that he'd not be able to go back to a fun dinner topic, or just doze off and seem like he was not paying attention to our conversation. he made me really upset about missing an anniversary. but after i had asked him to do specific things, he'd always do exactly what i asked. i would text him before calling and this seemed to make it easier for him. i learned to give him space, all not knowing he might have aspergers, but because they seemed to work after i tried it once. but this was the first time he seemed panicked and the first time he really spoke about what's in his mind.

i really cared for him (still do) and it was impossible that he would make people unhappy. it was not his fault. so i asked him to try to explain what made him think this way. he said : he did not have any friends, had difficulty in understanding people's feelings, he can't feel people or love, he thought he was different and people suggested he be tested, he would eat people's energy, people call him manipulative sometimes, and he recognized he could be unintentionally manipulative.

gathering from this, i stumbled on "aspergers" online. i had never heard of this before, and reading through this blog and many others and a few books, now it all makes sense. he has never been diagnosed, but he is very smart, and loves to research so i think he might have self diagnosed himself and thus have taught himself ways to act like NT.
Anonymous said…
continued from above:

i know it must have been so hard for him to explain this to me, and i appreciated how much he tried. i care for him even more after all this, but he was determined we should part and it makes me very sad to say, in the end i agreed.

i am heartbroken, i scream, i cry and cry and it just hurts. but i would never even think of taking back the time we spent together. i am grateful to have met him and i cherish the moments we shared, how he filled me with happiness, and cared for me in his very own way. how cute and sweet and romantic he was, how intellectually stimulating our conversations were. how just sitting at the dinner table with him made me happy. he deserves to be happy as much as everybody else and i really wish him the best in life. i just wish i could be of any help to him. i know it is beyond my ability, but i really wish i can.

i never post on blogs, it's not my thing. i live in japan and our culture is not open about conversations like this. but reading these posts really saved me. it really made me realize the power of sharing.

thank you for reassuring that the man i fell for and care so dearly did not leave me for no reason. and i really hope that although we cannot be romantically together, if i can overcome my heartbreak and despair of not being able to help him or live side by side with him, i really wish i could one day at least be a friend so at least he won't have to say he has no friends.

thank you
Anonymous said…
I unwittingly married a man with AS. He was charming, funny and loving when we first got together. However, once we got married, he was less able to control a lot of his symptoms. He has a difficult time dealing with my (grown) children and can exhibit many of the classic symptoms that are described when discussing AS. He is stubborn, seems to lack empathy, and can appear to be mean. He talks a lot about how smart he is and how talented he is musically, but I think he is doing this to convince himself that he has worth. He doesn't realize he has AS, our therapist pointed it out to me during a one on one session and it has been such an eye opener for me. I am going to try to hang in there, but this is the hardest work I have ever done.
Anonymous said…
@scullys apartment. We should all fuck off and die huh? I'd love nothing more than to do to you than what the navy seals did to Osama Bin Laden. Then we would see who should really fuck off and die. I have aspergers and I'm a gentleman to women and you can take your stereotypes and shove them up your ass and choke to death on them you fucking pile of dog shit.
Anonymous said…
Anonymous, (September 16th)
Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. I met an American Man who lived in Tokyo. He came back to the states and our stories sound almost identical. I handled things almost the same way as you did. I also miss him, but I am going to believe him. I pray that you get through it. I understand the sadness and pain. Hugs

Anonymous said…
September 16 Anonymous, thank you for sharing - the end to my relationship was similar. It's been really helpful to read this post and the responses by Aspies and NTs. I was blindsided by my fiance's decision to call off our engagement, with no explanation beyond "I don't think I can make you happy." I'm devastated right now and am struggling to cope as I'm NT with mild separation anxiety. I ended up here after some googling while trying to recall situations were he or I had been upset. Everything pointed to Aspergers.

We'd been close friends in middle school after just clicking but drifted apart after he moved. Six years later he'd found me on Facebook via mutual friends and we just fell into a daily Skype/text friendship - he was in Japan for work and I was in Canada for university. He'd always been "quirky" but that hardly bothered me as I was taken by how intelligent, charming, and silly he could be and by how much we had in common.

He flew out to visit me during his holiday at one point - we bonded instantly and decided to try long a long distance relationship. We physically were together 8 times a year during that stint. Six months into our relationship though he'd told me I was "the one". He said he'd wanted to marry me and start a life together. At first I was a little taken aback, but he seemed incredibly genuine in his feelings and I couldn't help but feel the same way.

The only thing that bothered me about him was his drinking and occasional out bursts. He talked a lot about being uncomfortable in his own body sometimes, and how drinking helped him by making him feel more "human" instead of like a "drone". I never once felt that he would hurt me (he was a gentle giant that loved animals and nature) but my father had been an abusive alcoholic and these two things were very triggering for me. He's repeatedly told me that I just needed to remind him to take a breath when he had an outburst, and that he wasn't actually angry - just "frustrated when things didn't work the way they were supposed to". He only ever seemed to get angry at electronics though. I think back and he was a big stickler for logical reasoning, facts, and things being done efficiently. I'd never questioned it as I always saw myself as the utilitarian type as well.

We were L/D 2.5 years until I graduated and went to Japan for a bit with him. We came back to N. America where I went to spend time with my family and he with his before planning our wedding

He ended up having a horrible experience trying to reconnect with his real dad while he was back, and had been distancing himself from me the last 3 or 4 months while drinking much more than usual. I'd thought we'd hit a really bad low when he had a terrible argument about an outburst last month - I began confronting him about his drinking and sudden bursts of anger and frustration towards electronics and told him I couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone who drank too much.

Overall I saw it as a really bad argument, but a few days later we had an odd discussion about what happened. He kept going on about how he didn't comprehend how me leaving was even a "hypothetical option" as "no matter what, he couldn't understand a life without me," and that the future was a blank if I wasn't there. But he also said he didn't know if he could change as it would mean he wouldn't be him but that it was important that I was happy. I'd initially thought this was his drunken way of saying we needed to compromise but that he loved me - the entire argument had been upsetting and I suppose my judgement was clouded by the idea of losing him. I wrongly assumed we were getting back on track. (cont..)
Anonymous said…
Three days later he'd messaged me and said we needed to talk about our relationship and just ended it. Just an "I can't make you happy," and "it's not happiness if one of us has to change." I was heartbroken and it just destroyed me. What made it worse was that when I asked for an explanation the next day all he said was, "I'm sorry for dragging this out, but I realized I was avoiding large parts of myself just to say and do things that I thought you wanted and would make you happy." I ended up inquiring about what was making him feel this way, whether it was depression and if there was anything I could do. (I'd found this blog and other resources at this point, but didn't feel right bringing it up) It was then that he mentioned there were things going on in his head that just worked differently, and that it prevented him from feeling what normal people felt and there was nothing I could do. He then mentioned he'd been formally diagnosed as a young teen as a high-functioning autistic and informally assessed as having Aspergers on multiple occasions after.

I truly wouldn't trade our relationship for anything, and I still want to ensure that we stay friends if he'll let us. At least now I'm better equipped at understanding where he's coming from. I'm still not entirely sure what to make of him telling me that he simply did things to make me happy, but the man I knew was the most generous and kindest man I'd met in a long time. He made me feel blessed in so many ways and had been the most supportive person in my life those three years. But I also just feel so much guilt for the fact that my happiness made him feel like he was suppressing parts of himself and living in a made up shell.
Anonymous said…
I dated an Aspie once and did not know it at the time. First of all, I have to start out by saying she was sweet, kind and very smart. But since I did not know she was an Aspie, I was not prepared for how she behaved. There were some signs early on, isolation, no close friendships, distant from family, etc. but I was ok with that. The problems arose when she would "shutdown" out of nowhere. She would just shutdown, go to a room and sit for hours and even most of the day and evening. She would never want to talk to me during those times and it left me very confused and towards the end, angry. I finally ended the relationship and learned later that she had Asperger's. My biggest regret is that I did not know she had Asperger's nor did she tell me.
Unknown said…
Eventhought you think he doesn‘t care, he probally does. That‘s the thing about aspies. In fact, you probally meant the the world for him.
Unknown said…
I know how you feel. We will never be what we want to be. For some reason every body around us gets hurt. We are like a parasite of some sort. I also down‘t care what you ‘‘+‘‘ aspies think, but people like us don‘t have the right to have children. It would be selfish of us to do so. It wouldn‘t be fair for the kid.
Anonymous said…
Reading some of the comments here, I think comorbid issues might be at play in some cases. In my experience some aspies can be highly narcissistic, as in to full-on NPD levels, and some aspies develop sociopathic tendencies (although they are often not very *good* in the whole manipulation department more often than not). Aspies like that will be toxic and abusive, yes, just like an NPD or sociopathic person without Aspergers would be toxic and abusive. But not all Aspies are comorbid with something like NPD or other toxic pathology issues. I think it's important to remember that is someone has AS, it doesn't mean that every single behavior, symptom, etc they display is about AS. Some people in the comments give me the impression that they were emotionally/mentally abused by narcissists who just so happened to have AS.
Anonymous said…
Hi, I was puzzled several times cos the behavior of my aspie friend. We had a break up for 4weeks because of an emotional problem which he couldnt deal with. I (NT) couldnt handle this clear answers as i was hurt such as
"i dont love you.
u are not the type of woman I usually think are attractive
we re not in a relationship"
but ...
my aspie as well
writes every day to ask me how i am and really worries about me when i m ill or have any kind of problems, he says i m the closest person in his life, the best sex he had so far, wants to stay connected for ever, trusts me as he does trust noone...
for me as NT this is love in the deepest and purest form
when i had an argument about it and accusing that our friendship is just based on sex he was severely hurt and was about breaking completely with me
it took me a long time to figure out that i ve to trust my feelings and not his words. i m still worried if he really would feel loss when i stop our relationship which is none in his eyes. i would be grateful if some aspis could reply or other ppl who were in a similar situation. thnx
Anonymous said…
Scullys apartment nailed it!
I lived with a 59 yr. old . In 10 months he never brushed his teeth,He did not use TP but washed himself in the shower. Then hepatitis, filthy hands at table food poison, nasty cat box in bedroom covered up smell of the glue he was sniffing. Left without a word. Lazy, utterly unreliable reading Watchman Ni and fanatic bible guy . Cant dress himself . In 9 mos no affection at all not a kiss nor any sign arousal.
Unknown said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said…
I have been friends with my AS boyfriend for over 10 years and we have been seeing each other for over a year now. Even though I'm 95% certain he hasn't had a diagnosis, or knows that he is an Aspie, his family and I are positive that he is. I love this man, don't want to change a thing about him, but want him to feel good about himself and see all of the wonderful qualities he does possess. He runs hot & cold with me, and will do things to push me away. I give him space, don't put any pressure on him and don't try to make long term plans or ask for things I know he won't be comfortable with. He did recently tell me he is not sure he feels "love" for anyone but that he really does care about me and thinks I'm too good for him. When I read these comments, I'm terrified that I'll end up depressed and emotionally neglected if I stay, but I feel genuine unconditional love for this man and can't imagine not being in each other's lives. I'm not sure why his family has avoided discussing the likelihood that he has AS, and am not sure it is my place to do so. Does anyone have any advice on how to best approach this?
Anonymous said…
After reading all these posts I realized that I'm not crazy after all. I have recently (3 weeks ago) stopped all communication with my Aspie guy after a brief argument. We're both mid 40's. I tried for 2 long years.... I still see him at the gym, store, etc and he will stare at me as I pretend I don't see him. It's like he doesn't exist to me now. I still hurt but refuse to go back! I know it's a stupid immature thing to do but its the only thing I can do to move on and not feel more upset by trying to explain it all to him in person, I know he'll blame me anyway. Tired of being hurt by "let's try to be friends". Really?? No thanks! Aspies just want companionship and not relationship. Save yourselves years of therapy, emotional anguish, hurt, bruised self-esteem and lots of tears, walk away NOW unless you enjoy talking to robots. If so, Try Siri on your iphone, at least she comes with some emotional responses pre-programmed! Sorry, I'm just bitter after 2 LONG years with an aspie!
Anonymous said…
I dated an Aspie for a brief while. He ended it and we tried to remain friends. We tried for round two and it ended again; he said, simply, that he doesn't fancy me and doesn't want to be a boyfriend.

So, after two years of no contact, I ran into him randomly in London and we revisited friendship. Now he's gone cold again. He won't reply to my emails or texts. I don't know what I've done to irritate him so much - clearly my presence irritates him. He was irritated when I saw him last. He suffers from an abundance of self-esteem - the belief that he is more cultured, a greater muso, more artsy, trendier, more hipster than most. He's 55.

I will say this. The cold treatment, ignoring me, blanking me, gives me extreme anxiety. I feel anxiety as I type this - it's making me want to cry.

Ignoring a person who is practically screaming the words "I exist, dammit, don't ignore me" is the worst thing a human being can do to another. It invalidates someone, nullifies them, eradicates them, and makes them feel utterly without value. I would rather hear someone say "I hate you" than be ignored this way, blanked this way.

I can't sleep, am full of woe and full of internal turmoil - and I've done not one thing to deserve it. I've done nothing to him that's worthy of this treatment.

I would implore Aspies to work on this trait because it creates a chasm of despair and loneliness in the recipient.
Anonymous said…
The one thing I've learned having a friendship-relationship with an Aspie male over the course of six years is this: if he says he doesn't know if he loves you, doesn't fancy you, doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, it's not because he's being chivalrous and letting you go, believing you deserve better than what he can offer.

It's because he doesn't love you, doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and doesn't fancy you. And all the blogposts in the world romanticising the "doomed love" ideal of an Aspie-NT relationship are not going to change that fact. When an Aspie says they don't want you, it's because they don't want you.

And they won't miss you, or think about you, or pine for you, once they've dropped off and carved you out of their life and discarded you like some knot in a potato.

Spare yourself the suffering. I posted earlier as well. Here I am, a 51-year-old woman who is intelligent, kind, loyal, full of goodness, behaves respectfully and demands nothing of anyone ever, being blanked, once again, by someone who is self-aware enough to know that he can't be arsed with me just now, but isn't self-aware enough to know that the fact he can't be arsed with me just now is causing untold suffering when I so little deserve it.

I'm not sure I buy into all this anymore, to be honest.
Lady Jane said…
When I was younger, in my 20's, 30's, 40's, I was not interested in love, romance, or marriage, but I enjoyed learning new activities and skills from dating a variety of partners, and I quickly learned that men would not continue to date me unless I put out sexually for them, so I learned to be good in bed. Then some of them began to get emotionally attached, demanding, possessive, jealous, and that's when I had to dump them. They thought we were having an emotional relationship, but I was just having a good time!
Jack said…
I think that the modern way of living conspires to leave an Aspie behind socially. I would prefer a more tribal type of environment, in which people are born into and remain. Instead we have a type of free for all, where a huge amount of our effort is expended into not being alone.

I think that Aspie's have more advanced social skills between each other, but less so with NT's. So, in this free for all we can easily be left behind as our numbers are smaller, and NT's and Aspies can find it very hard to make things work; I personally find most NT's very tiring. This is compounded by the sexual/emotional confusion that many Aspie's feel. I for one am sexually attracted to men, but adore being preened by and kissing women.

I think the dynamics of a typical relationship simply would not work for me. I think the ultimate setup if you can afford it, is to live in a huge house or two separate houses, and meet your partner for 20% of the time a typical NT couple would.

I honestly think alot of us aspies may have alot of Neanderthal DNA. We tend to have a high brow and an occipital bun. Understanding their group dynamics may help us to understand ourselves.

The older I get, the more I will suit myself, and try to combat the nebulous comfort found in NT normalcy.
Anonymous said…
I am frankly fucking sick of trying to deal with most people. Why the fuck would I want to deal with them?
I've given up on making 'progress' in this society because people are shit and deserve to die. I don't want to be friends with them, I want to kill them.
Faith said…
I want to know where the lesbian aspergers dating site is. Seriously. I want someone in my life, but I know (from much experience -I'm 35 now) I cannot make a neurotypical person happy. I need to be with someone like me.
Things are complicated by the fact that I date only other women.
Lastdays guy said…
I no longer take my chances with NT's they've been nothing but trouble to me and all I get is history repeating itself no matter who I meet. The next NT that approaches me, I'm turning the tables on her because i'd rather be rejected than end up with the wrong woman which could be more like signing a death warrant.
Lastdays guy said…
All of us Aspies are more used to our own individuality because you all NT's did to us was deceive us and made us feel unwelcomed. We'd rather be rejected than end up with the wrong people because throughout our entire lives that's all you ever did to us.
Lastdays guy said…
I'd only get accepted by women with bigger mental issues but I wouldn't hooking up with another or anyone with ADD/HD because I have that too.
Anonymous said…
First of all, thanks to the author of this blog for dedicating his time to maintaining and developing this resource. It's been quite helpful in clarifying a lot of issues and helping me and others realize that we're really not crazy - it's actually them. And some (Not all of course, thank god!) aspies have such severe comorbidities, psychological issues and cognitive impairments, if not outright defects, to make them into completely hollow, empathic, soul sucking hypocrites and vampires.

Normally, I would never have delved into the subject of autism and aspergers if it weren't for 2 brief intimate encounters with 2 aspie women. Both of which ended quite toxicly due to the similar characteristics in both of them described in this blog and many other resources on the net. I'm hoping my experiences would help towards others coming to terms with the more toxic type of aspies they may meet.

One of them was a former friend of our social group who managed to singlehandely alienate almost -every- single one of her friends by herself. Made all the more impressive that she accused a very popular figure of lying (No one can think of a time he ever has. His is such that it's just not up for questioning). Accusing me of being a narcissist despite the fact that I was there for her when she needed help as a friend, over her constant and -extremely- petty issues of insecurity - yet when I needed help over issues that were far more severe, she had the paucity of character and the audacity and such gall to tell me to "get over it" and that I'm "playing the victim". She sends other people extremely abusive messages over petty disagreements and then accuses them of harassing her when they respond (Complete and utter hypocrisy), brings up irrelevant points to personally insult and demean them, constantly avoids directly responding to her pathologically dishonest behaviours and constantly twists events to suit her narrative (If the facts disagree with her, she either changes the subject, or denies it ever happened despite you waving hard proof in her face) - Constantly accuses others of being deceitful, narcissistic, foolish, dimwitted or feeble minded and inferior, despite quite literally being the person who is guilty of ALL the behaviours she projects onto everyone else. Complete and utter detachment from reality and impervious to any form of rational reasoning. Monstrously abusive to the rotten core, self-absorption through the roof and so narrow minded that she believes that a double standard where she is allowed to be unfair towards others, is 'fair'. She constantly puffs herself up by painfully embarassing self-aggrandization, whilst putting other people down simultaneously.

Needless to say, she has -zero- friends left after having managed to alienate every single one she's acquired in under a year, she has issues with her own close family relatives, and has switched jobs several times. And it's -never- her fault. Always everyone else's fault. The friend who least disliked her, said "She's crazy, and she's dead to me". Several people I've described her behaviours to wondered if I was describing a real functioning person, considering how completely impervious to reality she was. Definite comorbidities with narcissism, anti-social personality disorder, mental delinquency, and a high conflict personality in the end to top off the crazy.

This of course, does not describe every single aspie. As always, it is the personality FIRST, -then- the diagnosis SECOND. For this one, I consider the aspegers to be the exacerbating factor to her gross, rotten underlying insecurities to which she constantly has to lie and rationalize to make the 'reality' in her mind fit onto every day existence. And any challenges to that are met with complete and utter mind fucking abuse and narcissistic rage, and the excess of her inability to handle it are heaped onto other friends.

Anonymous said…
The 2nd was a woman that added me on Facebook a little under a year before we met. I was coming to her city for a conference (She moved there a little under a month earlier, to start fresh and for the same conference). We met after she set up the meeting and was very eager to do so. Things went VERY quickly, and then went south and she went cold, if not outright psychopathically cruel a week later, blocking me on Facebook 1 week after wanting to very desperately be in a relationship after less than 6 hours of meeting me. I later found out that I was dragged into a love Rhombus. Not even a triangle of 3 parties, but a rhombus with 4. She was also a high class ecort, a compulsive liar due to having led multiple double lives and ultimately had no intentions in the end of pursuing anything with me, and essentially lied to get what she wanted. The 3rd party in the 4-way tipped me off that she was an escort, and we became friends over it, I talked to a 5th party (Who was not in the Rhombus due to no direct involvement) who claimed that she herself scared him off due to her being a sex addicted and insistent on having unprotected sex, even if it wasn't with him, every night. She later dragged it on for more than half a year, never even having the courage of wherewithal to even simply communicate. Just constantly would try to get back into contact, withdraw, and proceeded to block and unblock me on facebook 5 times each, exacerbating the situation until her roommate-turned-boyfriend that she shacked up with to use (The 4th party) messaged me in a very threatening manner, only for him to meekly slink away when I told him the full story and set the record straight. She lied through her teeth and misrepresented everything after being unable to handle the situation that she herself set and created. Lied compulsively to avoid the fallout and responsibility and repercussions of her own pathologically reckless behaviour, and dragged it on, unable herself to fully comprehend the destructive nature of her aspergers being co-morbid with her sex addiction, depression, self-esteem issues and compulsive liying and manipulation, and flat out denial.

That being said, not all aspies I've met were as bad as the above. One is a photographer and a very decent and caring, matter of fact person in the end, if a tad bit robotic. The other is a very sweet, endearing, and caring girl to the point I seriously question whether she eve HAS aspergers, considering she actually is a wonderful and caring, adorable individual.

And surprisingly, all 4 aspies described above that I know, are women. I have not personally met or been introduced to an aspie male (Although I know I should have statistically come across them already, and just not have been aware of it). Which is strange cosidering how rare female aspies are supposed to be in comparison to men.

But suffice to say, this blog and the comments did help me come to terms with the first two cases described - some of them are just simply monsters and deeply disturbed individuals, others may be deeply confused and fucked up, lost individuals. It is the personality first, then the diagnosis which exacerbates any underlying personality traits that are problematic, depending on how severe the autism/aspergers is.

Anonymous said…
I had a nice and fun friendship I thought until one day in September she just stop texting, calling and also stopped saying all the things I had never heard from a young lady before. Also in September we had a fall about saying personal things on Facebook which I never do. And I had told her before I don't do Facebook but she talked me into it. She made a personal statement that had people calling me asking questions. I got over that but I don't believe she didn't. But she also would make plans with me and then text and say something came up with her family. Of course I didn't believe it. she seems to be so mean to me even if I leave her love messages on Facebook it irritated her.recently on Facebook she said she couldn't do this anymore and that it's not me it's her. She did give me several compliments on Facebook and she promised to continue to be my friend. But How does all of this I believe That she loves me And she knows that I love her And it seems to me That the closer I get to her the more she pushed me away. I will admit That this is A very heartbreaking Situation And it is very hard To break up with someone who is so sweet at heart and loving. I just wish that she would open up to me again. This hurts very bad and I'm very sad I think of her all the time but I also know she is not thinking of me and that's the hard and sad part. And if she does I will never know. This was good for me to read. Thanks.
Anonymous said…
First of all thanks for the blog.
Second of all please note you have spam comments.
Third of all I am very wary of labels seeing as there is so much overlaps.
Anyhoo I am in a bind. The simplest answer is let go. The path to growth is not so easy.
So I am not sure if I am NT or AS mild or NT with AS features.....this question extends well beyond current happenstance so my first question about me is well I am reasonably empathic and have a vivid imagination (it controls my life) lost in daydreams always never grew out of it....
Is that an aspie thing? I mean look how many are so creatively can ppl say aspies lack imagination? I am confused.
So anyway this fella and I met from over the internet for sex. But he had said on his profile he doesn't want casual and listed a whole bunch of things where I liked him back cos I thought we could be mates and maybe a relationship if ready later (i was only interested in casual at the time) so we first texted each other for a week. Unlike other guys no dick pics not even asking for pics from me (happy just to see my face) we talked all the time about all kinds of shit like we were mates! Instead of sex strait away ya know (there were delays for that but anyhow). We was gunna be kinky he wanted to try I wanted to teach
So the day finally comes poor bloke is nervous I am too but I have learned to put that shit aside sometimes. And we go to my room and we dob't even fuck. We made love ffs! He was so nervous and I wasn't gunna spoil the moment!
Afterwards we talked for ages n he went home.
I was smitten.
So I went from basically I don't want a relation to massive crush in a week!
Next day is xmas. And I am lonely af because I just moved to a new city. I wasn't gunna be a clingy bitch and message him...let him do it. But of course my impulse control issues so I asked him out on a date. Now I didn't mean committ to him forever shit, I meant hang out and get to know each other shit.
Nah he got stuck on that word date and not interested in that but of course we are friends. Then why not hang out? A bunch of excuses including being a loner (i am thinking so am I and I want to hang out once a fortnight or something...shit) anyway and then he asks me to give myneighbour his number cos he wants to fuck her!
It all went belly up then! And ever since its been this rollercoaster. He got cranky and said he is not interested and wants no looked like he was cracking a shit and needed space...not a forever thing. I contact him a few days later having considered
Anyway I walk away after awhile he's unblocking me! I talk to him...he blocks me! I dunno if I am arthur or martha and tbh I have handled this very poorly.
In all of this I discover thru his art he is autistic. Omg that explains pretty much everything.
Not an issue for me but what I dont understand is why he was most definitely giving me the "i am so turned on by you" shit eating grin that guys get, later on flirting *quiteunsuccesffully* with a much younger woman....and then when I admitted I was aroused n that I saw him like that
I got one of the coldest responses in my life...never attracted to me....cant have another broken friend
Yet EVERYTHING screams if he wasn't so anxious I reckon he'd be into me cos otherwise we are ticking each others boxes
Now the thing that really bugs me is after he changes his profile he only just doesn't wNt one night stands. Everything else the same. BF linez the works.
So if Aspies are shithouse at lying what is this fella playing at?
I can't deal with games and told him its his loss but you know I can't stop thinking about him and rreading this stuff is like OMG SO OBVIOUS NOW
So if he DOES actually have feelings for me how do I get the ball rolling? And if he is totally flat out no, which he says...but changes his actions too much...what do I do to get over him? Thank u so much
Anonymous said…
Hello July 21 anonymous. I had the same situation happen to me with my AS best friend I also had feelings for. I recently learned after his behavior was totally bizarre and he was so cold for many months, that I have to let it/him go. I deleted all texts, his number, photos, etc and am trying as hard as I can to forget the friendship existed because it hurts too much. I am wondering what ever happened to you and your friend? I know mine will never contact me again, he is too rigid and afraid, but I am curious if you ever got closure with yourself and/or with your friend?
Anonymous said…
Hallo! I've never heard anything anymore from my friend since when he went away two and a half years ago. I wrote him one year ago one last email saying that i was sorry and that if he ever wanted to contact me again i would be happy, but i left it to his choice, since i had read that in these cases the best thing is not to push them but to let them Know that that they can change their mind if they wish. He never replied to that email and even disappeared from facebook since then. I Will never forget about this in my life but i feel much better now. Thanks from july 21st
Anonymous said…

I have been in a relationship with an undiagnosed Aspie man for more than 15 years.
He was newly widowed when I met him and struggling to look after his young children. I met him on a website and our relationship became very intense very quickly - or rather the online version of it did! He is an amazing email writer.
In reality, when we met I became his children's nanny and took endless emotional abuse and physical shunning. However, I fell in love with the children and they with me and I tolerated and persevered for them.

I am a highly intelligent woman, very self-assured and successful in my own right. My friends could never understand how I would tolerate such treatment - and frankly with hindsight,I wonder how I did too! But the years ticked over and although I was treated so badly I also admired his commitment to his children when I knew it was so unnatural for him to be in this intensively suffocating, demanding role. His obsession with routine suited his situation though when they were very young but it threw up huge problems when they became opinionated teenagers!
I was the peace-maker, the bridge that kept the family together. He has acknowledged that.

As they got more independent, I took them away on holidays as I was banished when I was seen to take children's side in arguments.
Then, to my great amusement, my absence led to his forming this belief that I was seeing someone else! He made these amazing efforts to win ME over and promised to marry me at the first opportunity and be the man he knew I deserved! I was very sceptical but delighted as I have, despite everything always loved him and we have an amazing chemistry together. We have so much in common in terms of our interests and we also share devotion to the children.
Marriage never happened.I was happy enough with the status quo most of the time. For years we have had an intensive personal relationship. The children are grown. We have always had independent lives and lived apart but spent more and more time together.

And then one fine summer's day he ended it! Out of the blue.
"He didn't love me, never had.... he was not suited to such close relationships. He was holding me back. I deserved someone who would treat me better!"
And I had no choice in any of this! He shut me out. Would not discuss situation.

I felt like I was hit by sledge-hammer!
I am very intelligent and perceptive woman. I knew him intimately, I thought.
But I had not seen it coming!

I became convinced he has mild AS since accidentally coming across material on adults with AS. He ticked every box conceivable!
Initially, I pleaded for explanation. "Silence spoke volumes" he told me.
I let him go after I got no rational response. I threw myself into work. Then his children's graduation was coming up and they wanted me to go so I knew I needed to mend the fence so he would go too. When we met it was if we had never broken up!There was no apology.
We went on holidays together for past two summers!

And then, just before Christmas, he came on another long weekend with me. We had a very relaxing time, sharing all our usual life-stories in which we now both share so much. I know his world more intimately than anyone and he has been my closest and trusted confidente for years too.

But despite numerous attempts he has shut me out again. No communication. No reason for it.
Children suspect he has met someone on the internet but that it will never amount to anything as he is too old. He is mid-50s.

And the bottom line - I have allowed him to hurt me again! I still love the guy!
Any ideas, anyone?
Anonymous said…
I am a 54 year old woman with Asperger's (had a diagnosis about 4 years ago). Recently I thought a man who seemed a bit Aspie really fancied me. When I showed some warmth he just froze, walled up. I asked and was rejected. Hurt a lot. Now I think maybe we're all just wounded, difficult people who go through a lot of pain. It's a big cruel mess for us. I'd like to have more compassion for myself and people like myself - the weirdo/loser/loner type. We need each other and the vicious paradox is that we can so very rarely connect with each other.

I want to warn people against hot-and-cold relationships though. They can be utterly compelling. You become like a gambler, endlessly betting as the loses rise, determined to get a good outcome. They create what are called "trauma bonds", where you feel very close to and bonded with someone because you have suffered due to their behaviour. Now, they could be hot-and-cold for reasons which, to them, are valid and entirely logical. Doesn't matter. If someone does that for the thrill of power, or because they are going through terrible mental pain - the result is the same. It's too damaging to stay with. Some things, despite all good intentions, just do not work.
Anonymous said…
"...That is now answered, I believe I become overly attentive in a “friend” relationship and this makes normal people run a mile. Not to mention the strange sense of humour and my mind wandering through hundreds of permutations as we hold discussions. I often completely lose track of what is being said and with the shifting eye contact I am sure I come across as “bored”.

"The problem would appear to be two-fold. The ordinary person treating us like lepers and us getting more and more frustrated with the isolation..."

they're not treating you like a leper. Acting in an overly attentive manner towards someone else can make him or her think you are dangerously obsessed. It's OK, not bullying, for him or her to protect himself or herself by getting away from that dangerous behavior!

Coming across as bored with what someone else is saying can m,ake that somsone else think that you don't care what he or she thinks. It's OK, not bullying, for him or her to not care what you think when for all he or she knows you *don't* care what he or she thinks!

Who rejected who first? *How* were they supposed to know that you weren't rejecting them first?
Anonymous said…
If you are not married to someone with AS, I would end the relationship. If you want to be the one to make all the changes and sacrifices, stay in the relationship. It is too heartbreaking to be with someone who is not willing to put love into action, which is love, if you don't have to. Once you get married, you are committed to that person, so don't stay involved if you are not married to the person. Probably about 1% of people with AS will put spouse ahead of themselves and put forth the effort and go out of comfort zone to do so.
Anonymous said…
With most aspies, its themselves first 90% of the time-so if that is the kind of relationship you want, then go for it.
Gavin Bollard said…

That's a pretty narrow point of view. I'm not saying that it's necessarily wrong but simply that it assumes a stereotype, similar to racial stereotyping. I expect that the percentage of reasonable partners with Asperger's syndrome is significantly higher than 1%.

There are certainly cases where people with Asperger's syndrome cause marital trauma but usually I find that the reasons are more than simply "Asperger's". Quite often there are co-conditions at work (Bi-Polar, Depression, Schizophrenia, Psychopathy and Narcissism are all things to look out for - not that they're all wrong either, just that they increase the risk of problems).

What I would say is don't get married to someone you don't KNOW. Make sure you know exactly who they are, not who they're pretending to be. In order for that to work, you need to go out with them for a reasonable length of time, not a mere 6-12 months. Get the relationship past the "honeymoon period" before you commit to anything.

The other important thing is; Don't marry someone with the intention of "changing them". You can't change people. People can (very occasionally) change themselves but others can't change them.

If you think that someone would be a great partner if only they did xyz (insert your preferred behaviour here), then they're not the person for you.

Of course, you CAN teach people new behaviours and skills. You can teach people how to react to specific situations but the very best way to get what you need is to open your mouth and tell them. You can't expect mind-reading.
Anonymous said…
I shouldn't have given percentages for success rates in AS-AS or AS-NT relationships, but I would say that most of these marital relationships have characteristics of a mother (nt)/son (as), father (nt)/ daughter (as) or sibling relationship brother (as)/sister (as). It is sad really, and honestly, it doesn't HAVE to be this way. Even in the bible it says to put childish ways behind when you become a man or woman. You can't expect the one person without the AS to do all the changing because you won't get the help you need to make the changes that you can make. Remember people with Aspergers or HFA are not people with classical autism who often have low IQ's and can't help it. Yes, people on the higher end of the spectrum have challenges, but they can at least improve some or markedly, depending on how much they want to perservere. It probably will take God's help, but He will help the person with AS get rid of the symptoms that are causing bondages. Weaknesses can be good, but not one's that put other's in bondage. People need to think about the effect that they are having on others, and try to remedy to the best of their ability. I am sorry for being so crass earlier, but I just let myself go with my anger. I do believe there are some successful relationships with AS/NT or AS/AS but that is because both people try to put the other first.
Anonymous said…
Not sure if this will get posted, but it needs to. I think the real issue becomes in any marriage whether it is NT-NT, AS-NT, or AS-AS, is that there is hope for one or both that are in an emotionally-abusive relationship-whether it is on purpose or by default. Really, the person who is mostly affected is caught up in a vicious cycle that does not bring health or vitality to the relationship. I believe that if you draw closer to God to meet your emotional needs, the lack of emotional support/validation or love that you receive in the relationship does not have the same effect on you spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically. A person with AS can also be the recipient of emotional abuse as well, but a lot of unhealthiness in a relationship comes out of the AS disorder or other disorders that one or both spouses exhibit. Both people need to get healthy-minded and ask God for healing. God may not take away all of your problems, because some weaknesses produce character and humility, but He will take away those issues that are destructive in the relationship if you both lean on Him. I believe that AS is mostly destructive, so the person affected and the other spouse need to ask God to help get rid of those characteristics that are starving out the marriage and hurting spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. If the person with the problem does not want to put love into action, that does not mean that the other person can't receive God's healing and help. For example, you can have something wonderful with God, and still put boundaries in place with your spouse and just be there for your spouse without their abuse having the same effect on you. Its not easy, but you need tools to deal with these types of situations otherwise, you can develop health/emotional problems and no longer have a sound mind. Women out there who have AS spouses and children: You need to protect your family and seek God with all of your heart. In some cases you may have to separate for a time, but hopefully, you won't have to if you continue to lean on the Lord Jesus and ask Him to help you and fill you up with His love. Hope this helps.
Anonymous said…
"after the honeymoon period, acceptance, (as if it's alcohol based) evaporates at room temperature and what is left is an almost capricious need to 'fix' various curious personality traits."
If this is how marriage is perceived (by NT or ND) then it isn't for you. (That's not a bad thing though)
However, To many ppl, it is viewed as a partnership where you support and complement eachother - then it's a haven and a comfort.
Anonymous said…
Although you last statement is true, the preceeding isn't necessarily a good thing. It actually sounds very unhealthy and sad.
Anonymous said…
My boyfriend of a year sounds exactly like you and this one post alone gives me hope. I have struggled until I was 25 to find someone to open my heart too. Until I met him. This kind, overly sensitive guy, who kissed horribly, but worked so hard to do the things I liked. We'be had a few fights that normally end with me storming off but one of us apologizing. We're taking our next big step and moving in together. I know he suffers from depression and when he does I let him know I'm there for him but I give him space to think himself out. I hope that we can grow old together, but also in the back of my mind fear one day I may not be his release anymore but the core of his anxiety. Which for AS is the worst way to feel like his veins are on fire.
Anonymous said…
Dude, it's true...I'm an aspie and that is completely true...but should we really die due to this condition?
Alex said…
Thank you very much for the efforts on this blog.

First of all I liked a girl who has Asperger.
Life was really great with her at first to the level that I thought she is the girl I dream of. Suddenly she started to go to shutdown mode I didn't understand what is wrong with her
until she said that she has Asperger. I tried my best to search to how to make the relationship working and also talked to her and discussed to say everything wrong to me.

I know what she needs and I try my best to help her with the things she lacks
like sometimes she forgets to take medicines on time and keep reminding her about her appointments while making sure that I don't go too far.

What makes problems worse is that she lets her friends to point things about our relationship and she said directly that her friends want her to leave me.

I got a bit sad and frustrated why she didn't say if something wrong happened from
my side or an act I've done directly to me instead of her friends!
She said it is hard for her to say it to me if I said it to them.

I know Aspies need their time alone but to the level I feel lonely
most the time is has impact on my feelings too.

I love her to the extreme level.
I accepted her with her flaws because I believe no one is perfect.

Finally she said you are a nice guy but I am not ready yet.

I am really sad and devastated and I need a hug :(
Unknown said…
I met my partner on a FB page. We lived in different states but got along like a house on fire and before we both knew it fell in love. He came to visit for a weekend and asked me to move in with him. So I left everything behind to be with him. I noticed a few things were a little odd about him then in the last few weeks has been very distant. He works away weekdays and nights and didn't communicate with me in any form for three days (blocked my number) He unblocked it briefly to answer a text I sent saying I was genuinely worried. I need to stress here that I have severe abandonment issues and insecurity and would constantly seek his reassurance. His reply to my message was "Im ok just want to be alone". I came home from work and he was here with his son. I gave him space while he was home, slept in another room and he's didn't speak a word to me. He hasn't come out and said it's over or he wants me gone, just says nothing at all. Is this typical behaviour? I left him a note saying I respect his need for space and I'm not angry with him or anything. I strongly suspect Aspergers as all the research I've done describes him and his personality down to the letter. Please help, I'm so confused and hurt.
Anonymous said…
Only difference between a psychopath and an aspie is that the psychopath knows he's hurting you and the aspie doesn't. But they have same traits, this was explained to me by psychiatrist. I found out my ex husband was a undiagnosed aspie after 15 years of marriage and nightmare Im still recovering from.
Unknown said…
My Aspie boyfriend broke up with me. I am completely devastated. He told me that it was exhausting for him to be in a relationship, that he is tired of trying to live a "normal life". I kept trying to be patient, supportive and understanding, I gave him space, didn't put pressure, but every little thing kept bothering him. The first 6 months were amazing, he was so affectionate and caring and loving, yet all of a sudden it all began to fall apart. Since October I have been living in constant emotional stress, fearful of not doing something to upset him. I still do not fully understand how could he change his mind like that.
I am a mess, I think I have a depression myself and don't know what to do. I want him back because he's so intelligent and charming and I really felt a deep connection between us two. Help.
Anonymous said…
I am a 48 you woman.diagnosed with aspergers and adhd 4 years ago. 2 of my 5 children have aspergers. I was previously married for 10 years to a NT guy but found his constant need for socialising exhausting to the point where I started self harming before attending social events, or getting drunk. He said he married me cozy I was clever pretty independent and played hard to get. Alarm bells rang when I heard this. I never played hard to get. I have remained the same for 48 years. After 10 years he announced I was never going to change and he was tired of waiting. Very weird. Why expect someone to change. Hurt me very very deeply but I didn't show it to him.
My second husband has AS so at least I know exactly what I'm getting in to. We've been together 8 years. I asked him why he never says he loves me. He said I told you when we got married and nothing has changed. Made me smile but I suspect a NT might cry over that. My husband has a PhD and a good job and I believe is faithful to me.he is very generous and highly dependable. He is very sweet to our children and fiercely protective. If disturbed whilst doing his chemistry research he will shout,shake his hands and swear. He will not attend social events. He dislikes touch but does like sex.
All my previous relationships where with NT men,usually a year or more in length. I found them to be emotionally very needy, always wanting me to SAY loving stuff. That is near impossible. I once asked my husband several questions which I wanted to know the answer to. Nothing about love or missing me or feeling this or that. Too abstract and vague. I asked him 1.would you take a bullet for me 2. Would you give me your last bit of food if we were starving on an island 3. Would you physically attack someone trying to physically hurt me 4. Would you give away all that you owned to keep me with you. He answered yes to all of these tangible questions. I don't want to hear mushy confusing stuff. I want the real hard facts. Measurable stuff. That's good enough for me. If your AS partner goes quiet just let them get over their anxious time and don't pressurise verbally. Just coz we don't verbalise our devotion doesn't mean it's not there. When I had a big operation it was my 2 AS kids who quietly sat in the same room as me for days,reading their books. The NT kids were out socialising! SJ
Unknown said…
This was a great read, thank you and thanks to all the commenters too, seeing so much similarity.

When I met my 40 year old Aspie guy after liking each other for a year and him finally asking me out, I was over the moon. He has been great, actually very affectionate, in fact the shocker for both of us, is that we manage to not only sleep in the same bed and sleep like babies, but also he cuddled up all night. We talk and talk and have some similarities and understanding of each other due to our childhood and upbringing, he's interested and we chat for hours, we laugh, we talk about all sorts of things, I am interested in his passion as it is my passion too, so everything seemed great (you know there is a but coming).

So he confessed, a typical relationship he cannot do, he will want to disappear on occasion and I was fine with that, I actually like my own company and so long as he communicated it to me that he was disappearing a while, everything was fine.

His first attack came when he took a joke the wrong way, the next day when I messaged him he ranted how I was adversely affecting his work, how he had been in pain since our first date (he has back issues) and I felt like I was being blamed, he ended things and went quiet for 5 days, then I messaged him and he replied like nothing had happened and I went to his workshop that evening with some dinner. His best friend was there and he came flying out of his work area, planted a big kiss on the lips in front of his best friend and we sat talking and cuddling for hours. He was all lovely on text when I got home and asked me to go out for a day trip with him on the Sunday, which he cancelled at 6am as he had walked through the night and needed to sleep.

Now I had to stand in court as I had been assaulted four months before on Friday, he withdrew a lot and his texts were very short and formal that week, I thought maybe he didn't know how to deal...but Friday evening after I came out of Court I really really needed a hug from him. I behaved a little pushy, I said I felt like he was pushing me away, he was talking to me like a customer on text and if he didn't like me anymore and thought he could find someone better then by all means do so (I know wasn't good but in my defence I had been destroyed by my attackers lawyer on the stand, it was like being assaulted again). He didn't reply.....then the next morning I had this awful text from him basically saying he was concerned and worried after reading that text, that it wasn't healthy, that I had caused him great anxiety, adversely affected his work and he needed to take a Valium to write that message. That I was to stop stalking his facebook (I had pointed out that he hadn't replied to my text yet was posting on facebook, when usually he would always reply to me first) and to take from that message what I want. I replied and told him that noticing the posts of my friend and lover was not stalking and that was a gross over reaction and that all I wanted that night was a hug, just a hug for ten minutes, I then removed him as a friend from facebook and told him that I did not want to cause him any anxiety so had done it, as it appeared that is what he wanted and also that maybe I shouldn't be in his life if I am causing so much anxiety for him.

He blocked me on Facebook and I suspect my phone too. I sent him some man flowers (a gift basket of beer and chocolate) with a card apologising for losing it at him and that I know he wanted to be there for me, but didn't know how to be and said I was here if he wanted to talk.

My question, the best way to fix things? Is it just giving him space, are they likely to make the first move to restart contact? I mean we did leave it with me breaking up with him, then him blocking me and apparently he has now gone inward and seems to be genuinely crushed by it...............I don't want him to be crushed, but will reaching out after a couple of days make it worse?

Any advice would be so gratefully received
TracelessTiger said…
@ Scully's Apartment:

"You try and get women totally out of your league

you all smell, you don't brush your teeth, you have disgusting habits, no self-awareness, you compulsively eat junk food, are lazy and have no idea about life.

I have seen men cause chaos in women's lives and simply not give a shit that they are destroying a person's life."

You just described 90% of Neuro-Typical Males.
TracelessTiger said…
Yeah - so do 90% of Neuro-Typical Men.

Your point?
Anonymous said…
Well, what an eye opener this great blog has been for me. I have learned so much from reading it and the mysteries of my relationship with an 'aspie' woman have been explained. Thank you all for that.

In brief I met a woman who quite frankly seemed distant from the outset but had a quirkiness and lively personality that really appealed to me. When I was around her the enthusiasm she showed for her own interests and passions lit up the room, but it was always about her and my life and experiences were overlooked. I'm a good listener so for a long time this didn't bother me, I just got on with my life.

As time progressed I noticed she was not so much 'cold' as 'far away'. Her horse was her life and only her family was ever allowed close to her. She openly said she didn't like people very much nor them her. I of course reassured her because I thought she was pretty special.

As time went on (over two years) the relationship never moved. I knew she liked me but she would never express it nor return any comments I would make. She was very awkward with intimacy and shows of affection and it always had to be the same. She clearly enjoyed herself but it was never 'passionate', always routine.

In the end I found the coldness and rigidity unbearable and what was supposed to be a caring and loving relationship and it felt more like an obligation on her part. I questioned what I was to her in reality and she just closed up and disappeared. No warning, no goodbye, no explanation. It left me wondering what the whole thing was about and if I really ever meant anything to.

Reading this blog has explained a huge amount about what went on and why she was like she was. With me she was always 'business-like' and planned what she was going to do after. Her life was simply a list of 'things to do' and I was fitted in where convenient. Looking back it was totally surreal but I put up with it because I loved her.

She now appears to have gone from my life and while sad and confused I know I will come to terms with it and move on. I know I tried my best and did everything I could to care about her and support he in everything she did, something that was never reciprocated. That hurt, but again I loved her.

In conclusion I would say loving an 'aspie' as a regular 'individual' is an impossible task. No matter how hard you try you will never win because the two minds simply do not work the same nor thoughts ever coincide. It is like walking on eggshells and totally destructive in time.

The answer is to accept 'difference' and move on in the kindest way possible as I have done. I will always care for her and wish things could have been different, but after trying so hard for so long I know it was the only way.

Good luck and best wishes to all who have (or who are) treading a similar path.
Unknown said…
To those asking for advice about dating those with aspergers, i can't generalize fairly, but i can tell you from being "high functioning", aspie, whatever the heck one wants to call it and dating one right now, higher concepts like "love" can be elusive. i used to be a bible beater, and though i haven't been in many years, some things stick with me from those days, like "love is a verb" a la dc talk. i can feel a type of unhealthy "love", an obsession of sorts, but otherwise love is best expressed to me in action and physical closeness and kindness and understanding. The alpha beta complicated dating game dance is stupid, a lot of it is little white lies and fakeness. And yes, getting close to an aspie can be hard. i can't speak for anyone else, but for myself, i worry the person won't get along with my family, won't get along with my friends, that they will bore me, that they will be scared away by my deep dark secrets. Aspies can tend to be kinky or even taboo with their sexual desires, and to tell someone that if they didn't meet in a kink community can be scary as heck. There's also a severe fear of abandonment on my part, not just from being neuro atypical but from experiences also in my childhood. And if there's a fight, it's the end of the world, i hate confrontation, i get shaky and shut down, and i can't imagine afterwards that that person would want to be with me after. Easier to run away, not deal with it. Good thing for me about dating another aspie (i use the dating term but it's an extremely non traditional relationship) is that we can understand each other, and we typically only see each other scheduled once a week. i live with a roommate, and she can attest how hard it is to deal with me, but we both take the good and the bad. The worst thing she hates is how quiet i can be, for example when i first found out i was aspie i got so intensely passionate in the research that i was constantly talking about it to her, and that drove her nuts because it was an obsession she didn't share, and when she told me how sick she was of it and i told her, in what i thought was a logical way, that ok then i won't talk to you about it as often, then she got really mad and huffy because she said she was then afraid i would talk to her even less than i ever did. Day after day conversation is very hard for me. But as a woman, who identifies as submissive, i can be quiet and show my affection in physical ways like sitting at a man's feet, rubbing his shoulders, feeding him, serving. i can't speak to the aloofness of a male aspie as easily because my guy is in his 50s with a kid with the same condition and has worked on a lot of his issues, and i know when he's quiet and withdrawn that it just means he's quiet and thinking and don't read more into it. i will say that neither of us look for a deep man woman "i treasure you, think you're gorgeous and can't live without you" kind of thing, not because we don't want it, but because we don't think we can achieve it, and we would always wonder if we're just faking it. To be in real true love would have to be so deep that you can know every deep dark secret and still look into our eyes with love, to be honest completely with each other, and we know that even we are not capable of that level of honesty so how can we expect it out of neurotypical people who generally are way less honest than an aspie?
Anonymous said…
I was just dumped about 3months ago by an undiagnosed aspie and I'm kicking myself for not understanding he was AS sooner. I'm ADHD + anxiety and depression prone and I've spent the bulk of our relationship slowly understanding how to take care of myself, at the end of our relationship i had just started medication and weekly therapy
Generally our fights would go like this
1. BF does something inconsiderate or selfish
2. I give him an alternative option and give him a real world example for how to make me happy
3. He either implies he will work on it later or that he isnt sure if he can provide the thing
4. I slowly let 1-3 build up until i blow up and cry, and tell him that i dont feel like he cares about me
5. he either avoids my blowups or turns them on me, its my fault for not making things explicit (even though in retrospect, i couldnt have made them clearer) or for not telling him it's important to me that he does X
6. I take the blame and then it repeated

Up until the very end, where i told him that i was feeling crappy and wanted him to come over a day early for the weekend and he opted to leave me and go to a party instead. We had a fight and he ended up deciding that we were simply incompatible. I feel so shitty that it took me up until that point to understand his process and after 2 months i let him know that i still felt like our problems were fixable, and he pretty much stated the same thing, with no real examples on how we didnt work, just that we didnt. I'm heartbroken and so sad. I love his aspie sides, the fact that he's calm and collected and the way he uses his routines, because it soothes me to be around someone who doesnt run a mile a minute. He isn't willing to listen to me and I don't think that I could bring up a potential aspie diagnosis to him without potentially catching the fallout from it or benig considered a crazy ex gf. I would literally have been fine with the things he wanted to ask of me if he were able to commit to a better communication dynamic ;-; any aspies here have advice?
Anonymous said…
Clarissa, your message appears to be narcisstic rather that one of self esteem; it appears to lack empathy/insight to another's world, which is central with Asperger Syndrome. I am an NTe wife that has finally pieced together the puzzle of my AS moody husband. His AS destroyed our marriage with his chronic lying, withholding, verbal and emotional abuse, and I am just getting started. He fine-tuned his manipulative skills to get what he wants on false pretenses, including duping me into marriage. Though there were red flags, because of the Stockholm syndrome, I walked blindly into the relationship, only to discover the worst nightmare of my life in a sexless and destructive marriage. Walking on egg shells became my everyday, and a loss of self through chronic criticism of everything said and done finally wore me down to despising anyone on the spectrum. The last 11 years of my life have been stolen because of this thief of hearts, and that was the easy part. I am almost 60, otherwise I would have been long gone from this trap. Unless you're an AS yourself, an NTe spouse will never truly be happy in a marriage to an AS. If you are in a relationship such as this, run before it is too late to save yourself; it's not worth the stay. By the way, I am a former psyc RN; I was not even aware such a diagnosis existed as I practiced when the Asperger discovery was just making its way into the psychiatric journals. That is how good his show was; he wooed me with his money, career savvy, hyper-focus, and invitation to leave behind a grueling career. Not many struggling and exhausted RN's would have been able to resist or recognize the same trap.
Anonymous said…
No offense, but the coolest guy I met was an aspie, but he was selfish in wanting me as a FWB, whilwe being jealous if I dated anyone else and he was obsessed with another girl.
Anonymous said…
To Anonymous from April 7, 2017, I can validate almost everything that you said from my own personal and painful experience having dated an Aspie woman (who told me directly that she was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome). I didn't feel at the time that it was a problem, because she was smart, interesting, charming, and unique- traits that I found attractive. However, I did not anticipate the problems that her condition would have on the kind of close and loving relationship that I was looking for. I found her to be emotionally unavailable and self-centered, and once the relationship developed to the point of requiring emotional maturity and closeness, she suddenly lashed out and disappeared, never to respond to any of my attempts to communicate with her to better understand what was going on. It was so sudden and unexpected, that it left me totally confused. If I had more experience with what it was like to date a woman with Asperger syndrome, in retrospect I honestly would not have done it. And for men who think they can make it work with such a woman, you will likely be hurt and deprived of any normal sense of closure when things unravel.
Unknown said…
This blog and responses to it have been so enlightening. About a moth ago, my aspie boyfriend broke up with me. I am NT. He was honest and upfront from the start. I wanted to know more and understand better. The relationship went from 0 to 100 when we both realized we had feelings for one another. We never loved back. it was a fairy tale. I fell for him, hard. His odd behaviors were the things I was attracted to most. Throughout this time though, he was blunt and almost insulting but I know he didn't mean to be. I am sensitive as it is. But we seemed to get over it. But he would apologize profusely and then I would. Fast forward. We went out and alcohol mixed with emotions like was bad. He ended it the next day. I told him I was willing to look past it. He told me he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Here it is a month later and I can't seem to grasp that it's over. I have this overwhelming feeling that we match, in every sense of the word. I've never felt this with anyone. I guess my question is, I don't ever want to give up on him. But I don't want to make him feel depressed and overwhelmed. Is there any advice? And also what happened with these situations now that it's been a few years?
Unknown said…
I was on and off with one almost 8 months now.
We have extremely soul mate / twin flame like chemetry between us.physically and mentally. We started as no expectations kinda companionship’s.but I felt everytime when we peek to a deep level ,he would start back off. I have never met anyone like this,after 4 months he hinted me that he has social anxiety and was very shy. I did all the research and tried my best to be as light hearted as I can.but I know I love him.
After two month sudden disconnected ( although we still can see each other at work) right before Christmas ,we reconnect.and since then .he has been opened up a lot and things just go really fast like he couldn’t hold it anymore. One night he asked my if I love him.i was in shock cuz it never crossed my mind that he would burst out things like that cuz he is very guarded.he told me he loves me but next day he changed.he said he likes me not loves me. I was ok with it cuz for me I take Love very seriously.its not a word.its an action.
After that we still hang out.but slowly I see his change.
He started to see me everyday after work and sleep together every night ( he couldn’t sleep with anyone except me)
In March I had to go back to Japan and suddenly he said he really missed me bad flow from La to japan to meet we were together day and night straight 9 days 200 hours. We had some great momnet and we both know we r very connected .although most of time we r quiet. And I know that’s him. I’m ok with it since I am pretty independent.
After this trip we back to La but one night he made a very romantic setting and he said he is gonna show me something but I could tell he was very nervous and couldn’t really show or say a word.after that night.he went a bit cold.and I became a bit emotional and we had a little talk .and everything seems just stopped there.
Now I feel we r back to the original point.the co worker style.but deep inside I know we loved. And I m satisfied cuz I already know what’s it like to be in live with him.he gave me everything he could emotionally from his him flow over 10 hours to be with me.that already explained everything and I feel that is enough. I still love matter how we will end or we already ended.i will always be there for him. Sometimes it’s hard to completely understand stand the other perosn’s world. love might can cross it at some momnet but real life is harsh.
I don’t know if he knows he is AS but as all
The research I did .i m pretty sure he is .
He said I am his angel .i think he is mine too cuz he made me way stronger and experienced unconditional love.i don’t need anything from him.jusy his smile make me happy. Sometime we don’t need to own a person to accomplish a love story .right?
Unknown said…
Totally understood.mine was so loving and tried his best to be with me.I am not messy and I will always be there .i think what I have learnt is unconditional love.sometime love forms in different ways , we can always love someone by setting them free. Right?
Anonymous said…
Not true at all. My aspie is very emotional. Can't figure out directions for shit but hes amazing. You saying they should die is absurd and gross. I don't know if you will read this but you are the one that needs help. Not all aspies are un emotional. My aspie cries more than me. Im with the person who said most nt males are like that. I've found my soulmate n he has aspies. Id rather deal with his quirks than ever date an nt again. Ill take the gentle, kind, loving soul vrs the nt male.
Unknown said…
I feel anxiety as I am reading this! So familiar it is eerie. I’m all for giving someone the space they need but when does it end? You give people too much space you simply grow apart. Then my friend wonders why we aren’t as close. I have an aspie son... I get it. I empathize for their need for solitude. It can just hurt sometimes. You can’t help feeling anxious and inadequate.
Richard said…
Firstly, I echo how interesting and valuable this post and its comments are — thanks to all. I rarely read comments, let alone this quantity!

Secondly, I hope that people in this thread who have written about being hurt by people with Asperger's are doing well. Reading your experiences has helped me recall and reflect upon aspects of, and incidents in, my previous relationships. Thinking specifically about cutting people off (temporarily or permanently). I do know that I feel intense emotions when I do this, that I do miss those people permanently, and that I can suppress visible emotion when this is happening. It's super messed-up.

Finally, there were a few insights that really stood out for me. In particular, a comment about people with AS seeking 'companionship rather than relationships'. Thinking about my own relationship history... I think that this is true for me. I cultivate friendships with previous partners and avoid the messiness of a full-blown relationship.

Which is a conundrum — can someone with AS *really* make someone who is NT happy and fulfilled? Is it irresponsible for someone with AS to seek relationships with others?
Anonymous said…
1/2 (Cont. below) I wanted to share my story of a relationship what I think was an undiagnosed aspie, in the hope of finding what elements were him as an individual and what might have been aspergers. Prefacing this with my best friend and her partner are aspies, and much loved part of my life and none of this is to offend.
I'm an NT 37 year old woman, met my aspie ex partner 45 yo man on a dating website, he was academic, a musician and worked in the same job for 18 years. Lived in the same house his whole adult life. Had two housecats and one best friend in another city. He was very close with his family, particularly his sister and her husband. Much of his face to face social time was with his sister. He was divorced, and that was coming to the end of the financial settlement after he said a 3 year separation when we met. We dated online for 6 months because of COVID, he said, although he was in no hurry to meet in person.
When we met he brought a bunch of red roses, he dressed very smartly, spoke like very articulately and did all the right things. He looked slim and he told me he had Crohn's disease. He also said his brother had aspergers and was an alcoholic but he wasn’t. His brother lived with his parents for these reasons.
For about a year we dated, in a routine - he would visit on a Thursday night and from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday evening. I would do the same alternate weekends at our homes. He always saw his friend virtually on a Friday night (without fail) even if I wanted to see him, he would stay at home and watch a film. He always cleaned his home on a Saturday morning and would prefer to buy all his food at the local corner shop.
As we grew closer he became more relaxed, and less socially awkward. We had an idea to set up a business together, based at his house. We decorated and both of us were so excited about it. At times he would become overwhelmed by the whole idea of it. I would advertise and he would say he just wanted it to be a home space, and it was too much with his job. Then he would change gear and say he wanted to make a go of it and so on.
By this summer I was unhappy in a job, he complained that he was sick of hearing about it and it was affecting his mental health. So finally he suggests we move in together. He said I should make a go of the business, he would financially support me and I should do whatever made me happy. I allowed myself to relax, to see a future with him. I let my home and moved in with him. In the very early days I had told him I had cat allergies, I slept in a separate room at his house because of this. We talked about doing up the house and putting new flooring in and painting walls. We went to buy samples and request prices for flooring etc.
Fast forward to the move in, and strange things start to happen which were unexpected or I hadn't seen in him before. He would pace the street outside when the bins were not emptied by refuse collection and become very agitated. I felt as though I was walking on eggshells around him. He didn't like my being around the house when he was working or making any noise. He said I was stopping him watching his favourite YouTube videos and he missed sleeping in a bed with his cats. I tried to make compromises where I could, like separate bedrooms some nights and giving him space.
I told him I was struggling with my allergies to the cats, and really needed new hard floors to keep the hair and dander away - which I'd saved money to pay for ($800). He became very angry. Then he asked me to unpack all my boxes in the house, remove extra cutlery, pack my belongings out of his sight and clear all of the surfaces. He said that the house was a reflection of his mind, it needed to be clear for him to function. Despite having very bad Asthma and CFS (ME) I did as he said. I didn't feel well enough to move again and I wanted it to work.
Anonymous said…
1/2 (Cont. below) I wanted to share my story of a relationship what I think was an undiagnosed aspie, in the hope of finding what elements were him as an individual and what might have been aspergers. Prefacing this with my best friend and her partner are aspies, and much loved part of my life and none of this is to offend.
I'm an NT 37 year old woman, met my aspie ex partner 45 yo man on a dating website, he was academic, a musician and worked in the same job for 18 years. Lived in the same house his whole adult life. Had two housecats and one best friend in another city. He was very close with his family, particularly his sister and her husband. Much of his face to face social time was with his sister. He was divorced, and that was coming to the end of the financial settlement after he said a 3 year separation when we met. We dated online for 6 months because of COVID, he said, although he was in no hurry to meet in person.
When we met he brought a bunch of red roses, he dressed very smartly, spoke like very articulately and did all the right things. He looked slim and he told me he had Crohn's disease. He also said his brother had aspergers and was an alcoholic but he wasn’t. His brother lived with his parents for these reasons.
For about a year we dated, in a routine - he would visit on a Thursday night and from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday evening. I would do the same alternate weekends at our homes. He always saw his friend virtually on a Friday night (without fail) even if I wanted to see him, he would stay at home and watch a film. He always cleaned his home on a Saturday morning and would prefer to buy all his food at the local corner shop.
As we grew closer he became more relaxed, and less socially awkward. We had an idea to set up a business together, based at his house. We decorated and both of us were so excited about it. At times he would become overwhelmed by the whole idea of it. I would advertise and he would say he just wanted it to be a home space, and it was too much with his job. Then he would change gear and say he wanted to make a go of it and so on.
By this summer I was unhappy in a job, he complained that he was sick of hearing about it and it was affecting his mental health. So finally he suggests we move in together. He said I should make a go of the business, he would financially support me and I should do whatever made me happy. I allowed myself to relax, to see a future with him. I let my home and moved in with him. In the very early days I had told him I had cat allergies, I slept in a separate room at his house because of this. We talked about doing up the house and putting new flooring in and painting walls. We went to buy samples and request prices for flooring etc.
Fast forward to the move in, and strange things start to happen which were unexpected or I hadn't seen in him before. He would pace the street outside when the bins were not emptied by refuse collection and become very agitated. I felt as though I was walking on eggshells around him. He didn't like my being around the house when he was working or making any noise. He said I was stopping him watching his favourite YouTube videos and he missed sleeping in a bed with his cats. I tried to make compromises where I could, like separate bedrooms some nights and giving him space.
I told him I was struggling with my allergies to the cats, and really needed new hard floors to keep the hair and dander away - which I'd saved money to pay for ($800). He became very angry. Then he asked me to unpack all my boxes in the house, remove extra cutlery, pack my belongings out of his sight and clear all of the surfaces. He said that the house was a reflection of his mind, it needed to be clear for him to function. Despite having very bad Asthma and CFS (ME) I did as he said. I didn't feel well enough to move again and I wanted it to work.
Anonymous said…
2/2 Cont. from above Things were better for about a week, but I was very unwell and in bed. I couldn't walk far and I was struggling to breathe in the mornings. It was a Friday night he went to see his sister who had moved nearby - I was so ill but he didn't want to stay and look after me (he'd told me before he just gets bored with ill people), he said he would be back early as
he was working the next day. He came back late, drunk and when I said how late it was and I'd got up to feed the cats and they were crying, he lost his temper. He had an adult anger tantrum and yelled this isn't working. He threw his arms in the air and shouted at the top of his voice. I tried to calm him down and asked what exactly the problems were - he listed my stuff, my cutlery, my furniture, him not having time to do music - which he said was his work's fault not me. Everything that was me moving in. He talked for ages about how stressed he was. I didn't get to sleep until the early hours, I felt exhausted the next morning. He went to work. I went to stay with family because I felt so ill, I couldn't breathe well. The next day I went back and he was apologetic. He cooked me dinner, asked to take me out to dinner and bought me small gifts.
The next week went better but I felt uneasy and my breathing was worsening, I was double dosing on tablets. He said he wouldn't take his carpets up for me. He said he paid for them 4 years ago so why should he. It wasn't essential and he couldn't cope with spending more than $100 on anything. Finally on the Sunday of that week I realised for my health I couldn't stay without the floors being done, although they were good cats and one of them was desperate to go out he wouldn't let them. He didn't want to pay for their vaccinations. I found a new job, to help pay for expenses, which I started the next day, I stayed with family for my breathing to settle to do it and I met him for breakfast. At which point he said he only signed up for online dating to share the bills with someone because he would lose his house otherwise and he didn't have any money to help with flooring. He resented me because he always bought himself a birthday present every year and this year he couldn't.
He cried in a cafe about this half an hour before I was due to start my new job. I was devastated but I couldn't show it. I had anxiety all afternoon, and I had to move in with my family for a few nights to see if my breathing would settle. By the end of the week I messaged him to say for my physical and mental health I needed to move out and have my things back. He said the finances were too much, and he had been planning his hopes and dreams for the future which he wanted to tell me about, but this would be shocking and difficult. I told him I loved him and he said he only cared about me. And he apologised for the boxes etc. which he said was because he was deeply hurt by my being allergic to his home. I was living with him for 4 weeks. Reading your comments on this blog has helped me understand male aspergers better, but I wonder if some of these things are behaviours that are about him and other individual problems - not the condition? Would appreciate your thoughts. My aspie friend says she could never do this to someone. Currently with family, getting over the hurt and waiting the six months to go back to my apartment...
MW said…
Preamble: this will of necessity be a 2/3 part comment. My apolgies for its length.

Part 1
Gavin and others reading this (and I am sorry I did not find out about myself and this blog and others until recently), I think I have identified an Aspie problem which explains the running away/going cold syndrome. I am now too old for the young love I could have had and am probably nearing the end of my life (metastatic prostate cancer). But perhaps now having reached an understanding of myself and the struggles I had when younger, primarily mistakes I made when trying to communicate with others etc., what I have to say may help others for whom it is not too late.

When it came to trying to get into a relationship with women who I had feelings for (and failing to even get started), I think my biggest problem was personal security. As of necessity I became as self-reliant as it is possible to be in a society. I ended up doing everything for myself including fixing my own appliances (I have a technical bent which was the basis for my entire professional career), cutting my own hair (shoddily probably) and buying my own house (luckily after realizing that I needed a home base/retreat/cave/unassailable personal space) before it was too late/expensive to get one. I came to believe that being alone was as good as it gets. Never lonely but with a huge gap in my life's experience which now will never be filled.

Here's my perspective on what I did wrong and what went wrong for me: Entering a real/deep relationship is for me like jumping off a cliff into a pool surrounded by cliffs that cannnot be climbed. It could perhaps be termed "total and utterly trusting committment". I can imagine what it must be like to essentially throw all caution to the wind so-to-speak but as you will see I was unable to do it when I should have and when I finally did at the age of 45, it proved to be the worst and most stupid mistake of my life, realizing all the fears I'd imagined.

It is paradoxical that for a number of years in my twenties I enjoyed sport parachuting but the big difference is that my security in doing that was pretty much guaranteed; I always wore two parachutes. I did have to use my reserve several times but the odds of two failing is miniscule.
MW said…
Part 2
In jumping into a relationship however I am not wearing any parachutes. Should anything go wrong in a relationship I had no security blanket and no easy means of escape (without doing damage to myself and other/s). I knew that from emotional treatment I received from others during my school years. I was as someone above described a "tall poppy" and could at times be apparently ostentatious in the eyes of my peers without understanding what I was doing. I could say things without understanding that they were wrong in the eyes of others or even wrong at all. In short, I was at times an idiot.

So the end result was that having been pilloried without understanding why and hence learning from the experiences, when it came to interacting with others as I grew older (and no wiser), the easy thing for me to do to avoid friction was cut myself off before anything even really got started. Does that make sense? Sometimes a kind person would have a word in my ear that something I had done had been offensive to someone else (which left me melting in a pool of shame and still not really understanding what I should have done/said differently). Withdrawing from the world was my strategy for emotional problem-avoidance.

When I unwittingly offended or hurt others and was later made aware of it I can assure those who think Aspies are heartless unfeeling b.....s devoid of emotion are completely wrong, at least in my case (and probably many if not most others). Discovering and knowing what I had done wrong probably caused me more pain than those I had hurt and led to my living a less than fulfilling life. I have shed many tears in my time. I certainly feel very deeply emotionally.

I would give anything to be able to relive my years and dive into the pool as I should have done many years ago but of course one can never go back. I suppose the moral lesson is "nothing ventured, nothing gained" but such has been the result of living with a handicap of sorts.

Bad experiences necessarily lessened with time but even as recently as six years ago I made a stupid mistake (at the age of 62) which I have not been able to put right. The only dream I have left is to never make another. I will die not having experienced what it is to be truly human. I would not want anyone else to have to walk in my footsteps. In some ways it has been an incredibly sad way to experience life.

Finally, reading back on what I've written here probably sounds like a self-serving whinge but be assured, I am grateful that I have been incredibly lucky in so many ways. Since living was not of my choosing I was lucky to have been born in a beautiful and largely peaceful country, brought up in one of the better parts of the world with a good education system (at least it used to be), to good parents etc. I feel so sorry for those who have not been as fortunate as I.

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