Although the answer to this question may seem simple, it recurs with alarming regularity on aspie forums everywhere. Often, it is confused with the aspie's ability to find a partner or the famous aspie empathy problems - these are different things altogether which I'll hopefully discuss in follow-up posts.
Emotional Behavior in Aspies
Aspies are very capable of loving but they often confuse the issue by adopting an altogether too rigid view of love. Despite popular mis-belief, aspies are generally fairly emotional beings. We have intense feelings of happiness and even more intense feelings of sadness. The smallest triggers can produce huge emotional responses in us. While a bad day at work may make an NT grumpy, it could make an aspie feel suicidal. Similarly, when something good happens an aspie may seem to be over-reacting or overly happy. Most aspie adults have long since learned to control excessive displays of happiness but it's very apparent in aspie children with jumping, shouting and singing.
Aspies seem to categorize love as one of those mostly unattainable permanent states of extreme happiness directed at a single person. Such a state is not attainable with all partners and certainly isn't sustainable over long periods.
Expectations of Love
When an aspie who has experienced love in this manner discusses the question of "what is love" with his or her NT partner, they may be quite disappointed with the response. To an NT, love is more about respect, commitment and other semi-tangibles, while an aspie may respond that it's the feeling you get when you look at your partner's smile and it warms your face like when the sun is shining on it. To an NT, this is just poetry but to an aspie it's reality.
The sad thing about this is that in an NT/Aspie relationship, since neither partner has the same view of love, they give eachother what they need, instead of what their partner needs. Aspies don't need unwavering respect and commitment, they need smiles and hugs. Of course, when the aspie greets/reassures his or her partner with a smile and a hug instead of words/promises and kisses they're likely to offend. The same is true for NT partners who shout or scowl a lot.
Measuring up to Expectations
Aspies who have been in love but have become separated from their lovers are often so fixated on the feelings of the previous relationship that they can't move on and won't give anyone else a chance to get close to them. They may declare that the previous partner was the only one for them or that they're only looking for a new partner who is "exactly the same".
Similarly, as mature relationships cool off, the aspie may mistake the loss of the "constant euphoria" sensation as a withdrawal of love. When this happens, they will need a lot of reassurance. This is particularly important when you have your first child. There are widely documented cases of partners (husbands particularly) who feel "squeezed out" of the relationship with the birth of children and subsequent change of focus to concentrate on the child. For an aspie, this change of focus is even more extreme.
Summing up
I guess the main point of this post is that aspies can certainly give and receive love but that their expectations are often too high or too focussed to enable them to be properly receptive. It also takes a very special kind of NT to give an aspie the sort of love they need.
Emotional Behavior in Aspies
Aspies are very capable of loving but they often confuse the issue by adopting an altogether too rigid view of love. Despite popular mis-belief, aspies are generally fairly emotional beings. We have intense feelings of happiness and even more intense feelings of sadness. The smallest triggers can produce huge emotional responses in us. While a bad day at work may make an NT grumpy, it could make an aspie feel suicidal. Similarly, when something good happens an aspie may seem to be over-reacting or overly happy. Most aspie adults have long since learned to control excessive displays of happiness but it's very apparent in aspie children with jumping, shouting and singing.
Aspies seem to categorize love as one of those mostly unattainable permanent states of extreme happiness directed at a single person. Such a state is not attainable with all partners and certainly isn't sustainable over long periods.
Expectations of Love
When an aspie who has experienced love in this manner discusses the question of "what is love" with his or her NT partner, they may be quite disappointed with the response. To an NT, love is more about respect, commitment and other semi-tangibles, while an aspie may respond that it's the feeling you get when you look at your partner's smile and it warms your face like when the sun is shining on it. To an NT, this is just poetry but to an aspie it's reality.
The sad thing about this is that in an NT/Aspie relationship, since neither partner has the same view of love, they give eachother what they need, instead of what their partner needs. Aspies don't need unwavering respect and commitment, they need smiles and hugs. Of course, when the aspie greets/reassures his or her partner with a smile and a hug instead of words/promises and kisses they're likely to offend. The same is true for NT partners who shout or scowl a lot.
Measuring up to Expectations
Aspies who have been in love but have become separated from their lovers are often so fixated on the feelings of the previous relationship that they can't move on and won't give anyone else a chance to get close to them. They may declare that the previous partner was the only one for them or that they're only looking for a new partner who is "exactly the same".
Similarly, as mature relationships cool off, the aspie may mistake the loss of the "constant euphoria" sensation as a withdrawal of love. When this happens, they will need a lot of reassurance. This is particularly important when you have your first child. There are widely documented cases of partners (husbands particularly) who feel "squeezed out" of the relationship with the birth of children and subsequent change of focus to concentrate on the child. For an aspie, this change of focus is even more extreme.
Summing up
I guess the main point of this post is that aspies can certainly give and receive love but that their expectations are often too high or too focussed to enable them to be properly receptive. It also takes a very special kind of NT to give an aspie the sort of love they need.
Comments
So will your partner miss you? Not likely...but is the question really do you need him in your life, if so what capacity does that ideally look like and can he and will he benefit from being together, and will he value your time together even if it means something different to him then it does to you?
I have tried to contact my ex, whom I am sure now is an Aspie, and his reply was matter-of-factly. Informative and nothing more. I then wrote him a heartfelt email that said:
If we are destined to be friends and nothing more, I can deal with that… But if you merely express your feelings in a different way to me, rather than NOT HAVE ANY feelings for me at all, then that's a different thing and something worth fighting for. I wish you'd give it thought.
And he never replied.
I feel bereft and humiliated. I struggle accepting that I never meant anything to him. I've never felt so insignificant. Like something to discard.
Gavin, I am meant to meet him for a drink next week and I don't even know what to say. I don't think there is any hope. Any suggestions?
He means everything to me - we were best mates before this - and now I am gone from his life completely. The fact that he doesn't miss me suggests I'd really struggle to convince him we should try again and work at it.
Any suggestions what I should say next week? Should I let the rest of this time go by without contacting him? By then he'll have forgot me completely and all that we shared :-(
There are some truly lovely people on this site. It has restored my faith in humanity. Thank you
Dating brings out the best and the worst in people. Some people follow their hearts while others seem to have an agenda which has little to do with love.
As the "other half" of any dating couple, you need to work hard to decide what the truth is about your relationship.
Ultimately, if the relationship is doing you more harm than good, then it's not a healthy relationship.
Sure, it hurts to let go but that's a "quick hurt" compared to the pain of hanging on for years with no prospect of reciprocation.
Galvin may be right in that hurting yourself longer term is not healthy for you. I understand wanting to fight for a relationship and goodness knows I have done more then that over and over for the one I am in now..that says, was it healthy? Not likely... for now it works and is actually going well I think though still not always "easy" and it likely never will be.
So longer term what you do is up to you, shorter term take care of yourself, treat yourself well, invest in other friendships who are supportive...all the stuff that life is that is balanced without a significant relationship which can take up huge amounts of your time. You may need to look again at your own interests in life, things that make you happy and start conciously putting one or two into each day to have things to know you can look forward to. It is harder at first but your worth it with or without him and that needs to show up for you to be ok.
Hang in there, thinking of you
C.
Unfortunately the being straight forward without editing his comment that he could maybe find someone better is clearly AS in that he did not have any sense that that from saying this your feelings could/would/should be hurt. Unfortunately in saying it he also likely meant it.
What my doctor told me was that until I became part of the furniture in Steve's house and in his life then I was something that was not suppose to be there. I thought it was REALLY strange. But I think after our last break up I may very well have become furniture because when he tried to move out and leave he figured out he missed me...AS don't miss people on any sense on a general level so I found this REALLY strange. But I think I have concluded that I was something that he had around long anough that things were now out of place and I was to be there. Over the past 3 months since coming back he does 101 things for me, things I don't need him to do really but seriously the other day I called him a sheep because he is right on my tail in everything I do. If I go out he is coming, if I go to school he comes for the ride, if I am in the mall in a store I stop and he almost runs into me he just follows me around...it is strange and now I have to try to teach him that he can walk beside me, do some nice things they are good (but when he gets himself a drink he gets me one to almost every time he does it..it is nice..but um...he has learned it works so??? maybe leaving that one alone is better..he has finally learned to think in 2s. If I chance the new set of rules in our relationship it will start confusing the heck out of him and then I am in alot of trouble because there is a yes and a no, a right and a wrong, a black and a white... it is not easy to understand it or live in it, but everything I do has a concequence.)
If you were going to spend your life with an AS it is ALOT of hard work. And I often wonder if I am ever doing it right what so ever. All I do know is that Steve is here for now. Do I know if some day I may come home to have him packed again and left? NOPE. Are you sure you want a boyfriend who has AS? I know you love him, but ..... ???? I have to wonder that in our particular relationship that it will ever be stable... it has been the past 3 months but that means something is about to happen because it doesn't stay that way .....
Unfortunately the being straight forward without editing his comment that he could maybe find someone better is clearly AS in that he did not have any sense that that from saying this your feelings could/would/should be hurt. Unfortunately in saying it he also likely meant it.
What my doctor told me was that until I became part of the furniture in Steve's house and in his life then I was something that was not suppose to be there. I thought it was REALLY strange. But I think after our last break up I may very well have become furniture because when he tried to move out and leave he figured out he missed me...AS don't miss people on any sense on a general level so I found this REALLY strange. But I think I have concluded that I was something that he had around long anough that things were now out of place and I was to be there. Over the past 3 months since coming back he does 101 things for me, things I don't need him to do really but seriously the other day I called him a sheep because he is right on my tail in everything I do. If I go out he is coming, if I go to school he comes for the ride, if I am in the mall in a store I stop and he almost runs into me he just follows me around...it is strange and now I have to try to teach him that he can walk beside me, do some nice things they are good (but when he gets himself a drink he gets me one to almost every time he does it..it is nice..but um...he has learned it works so??? maybe leaving that one alone is better..he has finally learned to think in 2s. If I chance the new set of rules in our relationship it will start confusing the heck out of him and then I am in alot of trouble because there is a yes and a no, a right and a wrong, a black and a white... it is not easy to understand it or live in it, but everything I do has a concequence.)
If you were going to spend your life with an AS it is ALOT of hard work. And I often wonder if I am ever doing it right what so ever. All I do know is that Steve is here for now. Do I know if some day I may come home to have him packed again and left? NOPE. Are you sure you want a boyfriend who has AS? I know you love him, but ..... ???? I have to wonder that in our particular relationship that it will ever be stable... it has been the past 3 months but that means something is about to happen because it doesn't stay that way .....
since then he has called me everyday , usually twice a day and still asks how i am ,what am i doing today ,hows my day been and asks about my family. He then lets me know about his day so we are still very much in each others lives. I dont ever call him anymore incase that makes him feel pressured but he always calls me anyway. I am so muddled as to what he wants from our relationship,does he just want me to chat to every day or could we be more again as his family stresses decrease?? I live a 5hr drive from him so most of our relationship has been over the phone anyway and he seems to not want to loose that, yet my visits are on hold at the moment and i hope he will ask me to visit again soon ,i miss him and i know people on here say they dont miss us but i know mine does as he's told me in the past.
I just started reading this blog with fascination as I have a situation that, like many others, need advice/help with. I am 46 years old female NT and I have fallen very much in love with a wonderful man who I believe has AS. He has not been formally diagnosed, but has many of the classic characteristics of AS and he even jokes that he thinks he has AS.
I consider him my dearest friend and we spend an enormous amount of platonic time together and enjoy each other’s company immensely… usually dinners almost always initiated by me. In so many ways – we seem to be made for each other. Our relationship though has never gone past friendship... part of that I know is that I am soon to be divorced and he would never be involved with someone who is married even though I have been separated for almost two years.
Here is my problem... he has never once expressed what I mean to him... even on a friendship level. I'm at the point where I think I must mean nothing to him. I need to hear from him what I mean to him. If I ever express what he means to me just on a friendship level, he never responds... at all!
He is in his mid-50's and has lived alone for many years... I think possibly for maybe 2 decades. He is reclusive to say the least and extremely eccentric, but I love him with all my heart and so want to give it a try with him when my papers are finalized soon, but I don't even know if he has feelings for me. It's hard for me to believe that he doesn't because we just seem to be made for each other.
Also, he has some other issues... OCD, probably anxiety and has some issues with hoarding so I've never been to his house.
My question is... how do I try (or should I even try) and take our relationship out of the friendship stage and into something deeper. I know it has been a very long time since he has been in a relationship and I don't want to overwhelm him. We are extremely close... just without any intimacy or declaration of any feelings. Do I ask him how he feels about me? Do I just tell him how I feel about him?... although I'd be shocked if he didn't already know.
I just don't know what to do... any advice would be so appreciated.
i hope i'm someone he still wants in his life.I think so as he wouldnt call. He still still keeps saying i need to concentrate on my family and i dont know what he's meaning by that as i am able to do both and we do live 300miles apart so no chance of giving him too much attention. hahaha. Some days he calls 2 or three times others just once and briefly but i'm leaving it all to him so he wont feel under pressure from me. It's just the concentrate on your family thing that still gets me, i asked if he was trying to get rid of me in a txt but he didnt reply to that.
My strong suggestion is that you do visit him in his home. If you want a real relationship, then long term has to be looked at before you EVER get into a relationship with your friend. First off if he has lived for several decades on his own in his own enviroment adjusting to living with anyone EVER would be an issue. I know that sounds really harsh, but honestly with AS, OCD and possibly hording issues can you honestly say you could live together. I know you are only thinking of the very very beginning stages of dating, but long term it will hurt ALOT if it can't be more then that. So before you change the relationship you have to what you think might be wonderful, get to know the facts.
The reason I say this is that my partner has AS, he was depressed, lived as a bachelor for 8 years in his own house...and he could not manage his own home. So when I went in it was BAD. Not saying this is your friend's home but seriously you do need to know because you don't honestly know what you are walking into. Steve would come by, WONDERFUL GUY, and said from the very beginning I need my space, I will date you forever and would perfer not to live together....well we do live together now and it was really really hard the first year and a half. He must have his own time. He had a heck of a time with me living in his home which is where we lived first. I moved things and he couldn't cope. I made dinner and used the stove (he had not used it in the 8 years he had lived in the house...it totally freaked him out to the point of a meltdown.) You need to know alot more about this man and the conditions he has. It is too easy to fall in love, chemicals in our body's do this without us trying, but AS, OCD and possibly hording are each HUGE issues. One would be TONS to deal with. And if he falls for you and you don't work out then it could risk what you have now which sounds like a wonderful real relationship.
I am not saying don't date, I am saying clearly learn what you need to and make that decission with him based on what you both need. It takes time to evaluate that.
Good luck!! You sound like you really care about him :o) nothin wrong with that at all. :o)
Read the DSM-IV on these conditions and then try to see them as a combination. What supports does this man have in his life now? Counseling, meds, friends, family? He is likely wondeful (challenges don't make any of us less then special) but I just would hate to see either of you hurt longer term. It sounds like if he is a true reculse that he needs to have you as a friend, there are not people standing in line to take that special place.... so I would hate to see either of you loose that. Close friendships in life are not easy to come by if they are truly special :o) If it can be more when you know more then you will need to work it through one step at a time together.
As for the other Anonymous's response back, I think your special friend who has family he needs to care for at this time really is just trying to explain in facts that his time is limited to having to be where they live now if he feels he needs to pay attention to that. He likely still needs some supports and it sounds like he checks in to feel secure. That is ok. In any case you are valued or he would not be calling you. If he did not think of you he would not call you. So I am wondering how much of this pattern of communication is following patterns that he had in his life before he said he had to pay attention to his family now? People with AS do best sometimes from living in patterns that are familiar and I am wondering if he is acting as he did before he made this decission about family and his attention? In any case he is staying connected and that is a nice thing to have :o)
Hope it is just family issues, he does keep saying I need spend time with my family even though I spend 80% of my time with them. My sons wife gave birth on Friday and he was so excited and happy for me, he called as soon as I told him but then again said now you need to spend time with your family! I live 300 miles from him so most my life is my kids but he just doesn't seem to get that he keeps me happy and I love sharing my day with him. I txted him after that call and told him I am capable of doing both and is he trying to get rid of me? He hasn't spoken since! This is unheard of for us as since day one we were constantly in contact all day and only when family issues started last month did I leave it to him to contact me, which he did twice daily still. I don't know what's happened here, why he keeps feeling the need to say I need spend more time with my family? It's been 3 days now and I don't know why?
Muddled x
I have been reading a website called cafemoms and it has a part of it that is a discussion group for parents with children with Autism/Aspergers, etc. In any case I read this morning about parents who are finding their children to be legalistic. They don't always follow the rules but every one else has to follow the rules as they understand them.....again, different age level, but my best guess is that it is exactly the same trait issue that is underlying it all, including your partern and my own.
Let me know what you think.... C.
So do you mean that he's trying to make sure I follow the proper standards , even though like you, I am 40!! Haha. My kids are all grown now except my daughter who is aspie too and age 11 but socially around 5-6yrs.
Last night I sent him a quick txt ... Just "u ok?" . He txt back that he was seriously stressed with his family issues and would call me again once he feels calmer. I am noticing when he is under stress he gets grouchy with me if we talk so I am taking this not calling me as a sign he knows he gets grouchy and he doesn't want to be with me.
Being high functioning aspie myself I find this all mixed messaging but I think he cares deeply for me and is maybe muddled himself by it all and with his issues at the moment can't handle it just yet. He has lived alone for years and I think that me being in his life and us being very full on with each other has been hard for him too,
Muddled x
Muddled x
Here is the story and I really hope someone can reply to this to help me understand what is going on.
I met this guy on an gay online dating site. For the first couple of weeks we message each other almost everyday, it got to a point where he didn´t reply to me for 2 days and he finally got back saying he was just upset and he preffers to stay away from people. Then again we continued messaging each other and chatting, he was awesome the second time we chatted, he was excited about getting to know each other in person.
The next day I saw him online and he was totally different, he seemed distant and he said he just didn´t get excited with someone he didn´t even know in person yet, which I understood.
Then again he stopped replying my messages for 2 days, he appologised and said he was going through a rough time again.
Then we chatted again and he was wonderful, everything was perfect, we chatted for hours. And after that day I haven´t heard back from him at all. It´s been 4 days already. The longest he has gone without replying has been 2 days, I am starting to get worried about him as he says he suffers depression too...
Is this normal? is his life in danger? should I just leave him alone when he doesn´t reply to me? I am really confused, please help.!!!!
Mental health issues are hard on a good day and if he self isolates and is depressed he may be quite hard to reach. It does sound like he is struggling. It is unlikely in that state that he is ready for a romantic relationship and if so then it will remain unstable at this point because he is not level in his emotional state. It is not his fault as depression is caused by a chemical imbalance and often medication is needed daily to cope with it (I have been diagnosed with it and been dealing with it for several years now, it is not easy....) You can only offer to be a friend and if he can do that then that is great, if not then because you don't know him in person and only online there is little else that is a real posibility.
If he has Asperger's Syndrome (AS) on top of this it will be even harder for him to reach out. My partner has AS and was suffering from depression when we first started dating...it was a VERY hard go and the first year plus for us it was incredibly rocky. Looking back if I had not already decided that this was a relationship I wanted with him in my life every day it would have ended several times over. We are doing ok as a couple now, he is very caring, he does not appear depressed now and is ok. As for me I still struggle to keep it all together here. None of this stuff is going to be easy and duel axis diagnosis (AS and depresson are not uncommon) but they are not easy even for trained therapist to help someone with. If he is depressed he would be best to see his doctor to discuss his condition and then go from there. Good luck in trying to reconnect...
I've actually sent him a very long txt saying how I feel and that I need to know where I stand with him. He txted back that he is finding the distance a big problem and because of the upset a previous long distance relationship caused him , he is not wanting it. I told him before that I'd move but he says I can't because I have a daughter! I can move that's not a problem but to him it's a big one!
He also feels we are so alike and so in tune that it would cause problems, I told him cause not , it's good we are like that. He told me that he still cares very much for me but that I need to decide what I want to do.
I find that interesting that he said that after reading what u just wrote!! So I txt him back and put the ball back with him by saying that I know how I feel for him and I've had plenty of time lately to think about us! I said I want us to still be together but he needs to think what he really wants! Does he want us to keep going or does he want to quit! I said I'll let him think about it and that he needs to decide because I need a man who's loving and caring about me and that I think he does still! I also said I'm not giving up on us I won't because I know he's a good man , so if he wants out he'll have to say.
I hope I was right doing that and showing him I'm not a quitter who'll leave him like his ex and that I will leave him to think and decide, rather than the usual always telling me to decide.
So the moral of the story is, Steve thought quite often that we actually should not stay togeter. It was a HUGE change to have a person in his life on a very regular basis and he fought to no end because he naturally has a VERY strong tendency to want to be alone. Even though he likes me and we are together that desire to be alone will never go away...it is perminant.
So....if you want to be together, it is time to state it point blank, tell him you want him in your life, as your partner and that you won't be willing to just go away. In fact your not "going" anywhere and when push comes to shove if you want to be a couple tell him that you are. It sounds strange I know but if you want something to be more perminant then you will have to talk to him like it already is that way, he will learn to adapt and if you are luck after some time things will be that you are to be in his life and it will be odd for you not to be there.
My doctor told me that when I seem like furniture in Steve's life then I will have succeeded in becoming normal as a part of his home, his life and the woodwork...until then I have to work at being stable, consistant and repedative to the point that this is just the way things are. And sure enough over time Steve has figured out I am not going anywhere and in fact he is not either..we are a couple and that means stable, consistant and together. It took him a long long time to learn what it means to think in "2" and "us" and "we".... but if I gave him a choice he would be single, living as his former hermit self, engaged and engrossed in his interests and not needing me or noticing I am not there. But that said Steve when he lived alone was not capable of caring for himself (and I do mean in a healthy way in the care of the day to day needs of his home), so I decided he needs to live with someone and that someone is me. I love him dearly, but Steve I have concluded does not understand love. He understands caring and how to appear interested and loving, but he does not know what LOVE is. And we need a stable life so I built it custom designed to meet his needs and that is what we now live in. But if I see something that needs to happen I build it in conciously.
The moral of this long story is that if you want him in your life be consistant, stable and repeat what you want to see happen to the point that it is what you want it to become. I don't know how else to explain it. I know it doesn't sound like the open caring communication in a relationship that most are looking for, but for us it is what it needs to be for life to function and for us to be a couple and be living together. We both now know what to expect and that the boundries are that we are a couple and this is how we now live. Things shift over time but for the most part things are what they are now and it is somehow suppose to be this way and that is logical... it is a good life.
So the moral of the story is, Steve thought quite often that we actually should not stay togeter. It was a HUGE change to have a person in his life on a very regular basis and he fought to no end because he naturally has a VERY strong tendency to want to be alone. Even though he likes me and we are together that desire to be alone will never go away...it is perminant.
So....if you want to be together, it is time to state it point blank, tell him you want him in your life, as your partner and that you won't be willing to just go away. In fact your not "going" anywhere and when push comes to shove if you want to be a couple tell him that you are. It sounds strange I know but if you want something to be more perminant then you will have to talk to him like it already is that way, he will learn to adapt and if you are luck after some time things will be that you are to be in his life and it will be odd for you not to be there.
My doctor told me that when I seem like furniture in Steve's life then I will have succeeded in becoming normal as a part of his home, his life and the woodwork...until then I have to work at being stable, consistant and repedative to the point that this is just the way things are. And sure enough over time Steve has figured out I am not going anywhere and in fact he is not either..we are a couple and that means stable, consistant and together. It took him a long long time to learn what it means to think in "2" and "us" and "we".... but if I gave him a choice he would be single, living as his former hermit self, engaged and engrossed in his interests and not needing me or noticing I am not there. But that said Steve when he lived alone was not capable of caring for himself (and I do mean in a healthy way in the care of the day to day needs of his home), so I decided he needs to live with someone and that someone is me. I love him dearly, but Steve I have concluded does not understand love. He understands caring and how to appear interested and loving, but he does not know what LOVE is. And we need a stable life so I built it custom designed to meet his needs and that is what we now live in. But if I see something that needs to happen I build it in conciously.
The moral of this long story is that if you want him in your life be consistant, stable and repeat what you want to see happen to the point that it is what you want it to become. I don't know how else to explain it. I know it doesn't sound like the open caring communication in a relationship that most are looking for, but for us it is what it needs to be for life to function and for us to be a couple and be living together. We both now know what to expect and that the boundries are that we are a couple and this is how we now live. Things shift over time but for the most part things are what they are now and it is somehow suppose to be this way and that is logical... it is a good life.
Oh well I might txt him again just to say hi, though I never know what to put when I'm just saying hi and letting him know I've not given up :)
Steve said something to me yesterday and I think it sums it up well. He said "I like things to be simple". Not alot of quesitons, not complex, not stressful.... simple. Not that he is simple (he is a whole puzzle and I will be doing this puzzle thing for a lifetime if we make it that far). But too many options and well if x + y = Z but A + B don't equal C ....then what is it you are asking???? Logic, Straight forward, would you consider X. Not would you consider X or Y or Z and compair them all, weigh out the problem, summarize the results and get back to me with a new alternative.... it is too complicated that way.
My guess is that you have asked him a question he can't understand. He asked you a question. He is looking for the answer. You have asked him a question of his question ....complicated relationship based .... and in that a social puzzle.
Can you see it???? I am not sure I am describing it well. The only other thing I can suggest is think in black and whites. Not grey, not off white, not pink LOL BLACK and WHITE stable, primary and facts.
Steve's comparison of his thinking that he uses as an analogy is that he thinks in Zeros and Ones like a binery computer system. It took me a LONG time to teach him that in a relationship there is a TWO, and US, an OUR and a WE..... and well.... it is still very much a work in progress...2 years later and we have lived together that time period and work on it regularly. Sharing..etc. So far so good he is doing well :o) Today he brought me a pop when he got his because he does that...he has learned it gets positive results and he likes that ....simple.....and predictable. And it works. :o)
Not sure if any of this makes sense to you????
BTW is your partner extremely bright in other ways??? mine is very much so, particularly in the interests he has as a focus..but others too.
Well I read your statement to Steve who has AS and Mike he said when asked that he has feelings. He was working on his laptop so getting him to talk seemed to be challenging. When asked if he had feelings towards other people he did not respond. But when asked again he said he did not know what to say...so I think that from that assessment test which was pretty short...it is not that there are not feelings more that there may be some challenges expressing feelings. He then came over, sat down and asked "what do you mean by feelings?" I told him some decriptive words, like, frustrated, enjoy, find challenging, happy, etc...feeling words. That said FULLY HUMAN MIKE was the conclusion (which I knew before I ever asked but I was curious what answer I might get). And I am SURE you are HUMAN too!!!! :o) I think your prof was book smart maybe but not life smart on this one.....time to go and work with a few more people with AS so he/she can figure it out further.... profs like anyone else DON'T know everything :o)
Second, well he called me at last on Thursday , spoke nicely for a few minutes then just flipped! He went on and on about me ,repeating the distance thing and that I am not allowed to move near him, went on about us being too alike and that there's a saying opposites attrack!! Said there's a reason for that saying .... And that I need to get that. He went on about me being strange and weird to him !!! How can he think that ?? I have done nothing but care about him, all his ex's have trampled him down. I am so upset, he left the conversation with repeating he still wants to be friends because if he's honest he really likes me and cares for me still but can't cope with the stress of us!!! I am so mild mannered and quiet and we got on amazingly right up till his son got problems then this total break down happened. He's even blaming everything bad happening in his life on me meeting him!!! I love him so much but this conversation has deeply upset me and I don't know if I should be his "friend" or walk away. He got really upset when I said I might not be able to stay friends after everything we had and then him just suddenly stopping! He sent me a birthday card Saturday saying to my dear , have a very happy birthday, all my love xxxx
Do you know what he's up to? Cause I don't. I wonder if it's winter depression and stress and he's thinking it's us, in which case I might as well give up :(
So you are likely right I hate to say. He just is not ready to cope at this point. Saying he does not want you to move closer is because he is again not coping and if you do move closer that would in fact very likely increase with his need for space to be ok.
So you can be friends if you can handle it. You can tell him you are taking a months of space to see if you can cope with trying to see the relationship you can have as ok rather then looking back at what you did have....which is HARD.
If he is not coping like you are saying he is trying to gain anough space from people (and it is very likely everyone in his life at this point and not focused solely on you). He is having a meltdown but he is not coming out of it for some reason and it may be more serious then that. I think professional help may be needed at this point though without knowing him other then the bit that has been written that is hard to tell. But something is wrong and I highly doubt it is you. His worldview is very different then either of ours, but right now it is more then even the normal differences.
Gavin Any comments on this one??? My sense is that friendship at this point is really all that is possible here for now anyways.... which is kind of sad as he doesn't know what he is missing out on, but he can't handle it to have the capacity to find out...that is my thinking anyways from what I have read....???
It's his birthday Sunday so I'll send a card as he has sent me one, when I don't think about him and what we had I'm fine but if I think about him I get very sad. He's muddled me so much as he was incredibly into me and we were discussing trips etc then a week later all this started( when his stress with his son started)
He was so annoyed with me when he last spoke and he sounded like he was pushing me away! I really don't know if he wants me still or not because if he was NT I would of called him rude , nasty and definitely not wanting me in his life but as he's ASD I know it could be that he's just muddling his feelings all up. That's not good though as he could be walking away from me and go into another relationship based on what he feels I've done :(
All my friends say I should get rid of him totally but I'm not like that , I care deeply about his wellbeing! Even though I feel like he thinks I'm some weird woman causing his upset :(
So with that said, home life here is a bit bumpy. I think I am getting tired of the effort it takes in dealing with AS in general. Though the issues are more that I will never been the blond thin young pretty thing that Steve grew up thinking was the woman to chase and has had his eye out for ever sense. He never says it and I know he is now faithful but it is still there. It came out last night in a comment about a tv show. You need to know that the background is that he "fell in love" with a 17 year old when he was in his early 40's...of course she was blond and pretty. So not getting the age issues he was told NO. In any case, that is now his definition of understanding what in love can be like, so....here I am, not blond, not thin, and caring. He lives here, but he doesn't get it. Our relationship generally is good but he will not say I love you and in the end does not compliment me on much of anything. He is very polite, cuddley, etc but in the end yesterday I was really hurt. I can't handle his family who treat me like dirt. He mentioned two days ago that when we move back to the area closer to them that they will be looking for him and trying again to connect (we have cut all contact because they were that mean to me....and he thinks he will end up talking to them again and they won't be backing down from saying our relationship is wrong and telling him to leave me). So there is alot of pressure there, but I really didn't need to have the comment about another blond even on a show....I just don't need it.
So, given that I am tired of trying to be everything and still not making it somehow, I am seriously thinking about asking Steve to move out. I love him. I would do anything for him. But I can't handle the pressure his family puts on our relationship that he then gets his head messed up in and can't figure out. I can't handle not being the "ideal" because that is what he grew up with thinking he would fall in love with. I can't handle trying to help him find work, putting a car on the road for him and being responsible for everything financially. I can't handle having him take off and wondering if he will be ever coming back or what is going on behind my back like I did when we lived where we are now having to move back to (I own a house in that area and I either live in it or go bankrupt). I pay for everything for "us" and for him. I just can't do it all anymore. So my decission is not final, we have had bumps before now, but I am starting to feel the real pressure of the fact we move at the end of February and I don't know what I am walking back into but I am not feeling at all good about it. :o(
Take care C , I hope things go ok x
Well I am sorry to hear about needing to end hoping and in the end you are likely right. It is just hard when you really like someone and they become part of your life. Hopefully you can focus on your daughter and you want someone in both of your lives that can care for each of you and then needs you have, love, caring, etc.
I am interested to hear that your daughter has Aspergers. I would like to learn more about it as Steve has Aspergers too and I am still learning after being together for 2 years now...it is really unique and I am still working on understanding it all. I think I get it at points and then I don't...if that makes sense.
Anyways let me know how you are doing?
C.
Well i now have virtually nothing to do with my fella. I haven't seen him since October and he has hardly spoken to me since then either. The last straw was his insults to me . He ocassionally txts me to see how i am and i reply but he never says anything more than he's worried about me and cares.(I have been having hospital checks as i have lost over two stone in 3 months)
I have been moving on in my life since December and have met someone nice only this last couple of weeks,but i feel this could be another problematic relationship if it develops...haha...He's ASD too,i certainly pick them !!
Like i said before my daughter is aspergers and one of my sons so i have learned a lot of traits and ways of dealing with things ... i also think i display many ASD traits myself and it explains many things and problems i have had since childhood and the fact i find relationships hard to understand.
I hope things are ok with you still. :)
Muddled x
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend who has AS for a year and a half now, and I know we love each other a lot, we just find it hard to communicate.
I have cried plenty times because I wish to tell him how he sometimes makes me feel but I don't feel I can ever tell him because it will always course an argument. We argue a lot of the time and I hate it and I know he does, I know I'm mostly to blame for it as I find it so hard to understand him.
He tells me he loves me everyday unless we have had an argument and we leave it on a bad note, every time he splits up with me he comes straight back a few hours later especially when I portray that I am not interested.
On occasions where we are meant to be doing something I want to do I often get let down, could this be anything to do with AS or is that just him being an idiot cause he doesn't want to do it?
He also has a gambling problem which I know gets him down a lot and I have told him we have to go and get him banned from every bookies to resolve this, is gambling anything to do with AS or being fixated to certain things and having the same conversation a lot?
Any responses would be much appreciated thank you.
Thank you for this forum :)
I would like to ask anyone who has a similar experience for some advice:
I recently met and fell in love with a warm, sweet boy who I now think is undiagnosed high-functioning AS.
I always thought he had some unusual "quirks", and I definitely noticed the romantic intensity ;), but also a certain akwrdness and a childlike vulnerability.
We were together for 4 months, and I felt the relationship was getting better and better. We had an great time, with shared interests, sense of humor, and great passion... we even talked about our future (to travel together) and I thought, "he's the One".
Well, sadly not to be, as about a month ago he lost his license and was disciplined at work (he's in the military, so I think it was a big deal). He also had to relocate to army barracks, outside of our city.
At exactly the same time this happened he broke up with me, suddenly, over text message. Naturally I was shocked, and terribly upset. He wouldn't return my calls/messages, and is even putting up the "wall" to his family. He has isolated himself, and has gone completely silent towards me.
The only reason he gave to me was he thought a relationship couldn't be sustained if we saw each-other infrequently.
Now, at first I thought he must just be a typical "jerk" of a guy, to hurt me like that... but the more I think about it, and from what I've read on this blog, I think he's AS.
My heart (though possibly blinded by love) tells me that he is a truly good-hearted person who is simply finding this work/romance complexity all a bit too much.
I know he's never had a serious girlfriend before me, and that he's 28. I say he's high functioning because he has a successful military career and is upbeat and social. But also, he has many of the traits commonly associated with AS.
My question is, can I get through to him while he has isolated himself and is putting up "the wall" of silence?
I don't mean to make demands of him at all... but I'm worried about his emotional well being, and would like to get to a point where he is at least open to communicating with me. I just want to get to the level of "hi, how's your day?" I don't mean anything heavy.
Is it best to give him time and space alone? Or would writing a gentle letter (or 3...) help?
Thank you :)
Yes when we find someone we love, there is no other. Even if the relationship is damaging or abusive... trying to find someone else is like an NT (im assuming) trying to replace a child, a father or a mother..it just doesnt happen.
As a woman, I always need a smile- someone positive because we are easily affected by others moods (im an empath- not fun) but when Im deeply hurt, been yelled at etc. I cant be touched at all..too much stimuli. I also do consider love to be respectful, but I also have unrealisitc expectations of it...if you love me and dont want to hurt me, then dont. If you do hurt me, you dont love me. Plain and simple.
We love like no other human beings on the planet. However, that kind of intensity causes us to be over critical of ourselves if we unintentionally hurt someone and vise vera.
--Stephanie
I cannot distance myself because hurting him hurts me. But as one post pointed out, to an Aspie sex is just sex. It is not emotional. Unfortunately, when he is trying to gain distance, he partakes in various sexual encounters w/ other partners, "friends." He then cannot understand that I am so deeply hurt by it. And yet, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I were to meet someone else and become involved on a physical level, he would take it as rejection, become hurt, depressed.
I love this man so deeply, as if he is the other half of me. He has said the same. However, he is remarkably cold at times. So wrapped up in his own daily challenges. Once more, although I understand on a rational level, it seems so unbalanced. HOW can you manage such a relationship, when the person that you love is incapable of mutual sacrifice and empathy?? And if it truly is impossible, how do I separate and learn to live without this person, when everytime I try to place distance between us I am barraged with guilt? not to mention email, text messages, etc.?? How do you walk away from someone that you desperately want to take care of?? Just feel like he's in so much pain all of the time...don't want to cause him pain. But at some point, I have to stop hurting too.
~Anon2
- A lot of natural traits of the male human can be mistaken for symptoms of AS.
- If an aspie seems extremely guarded, it's probably adaptation that made him/her that way. We've gotten hurt a lot.
- Watch out about talking in terms of "love"! It can be seen as "strong affection"; but people never describe it that way, so it confuses us. Also, when an "I love you" breaks up with us, it's easy for "love" to seem like a non-existent or very superficial and passing emotion.
Now, then.
Our partners aren't the only ones being hurt.
I've been suddenly despised because of my powerful romantic attachment.
I've been cheated on because my lack of empathy made it seem both like I wouldn't care and like it's impossible to hurt me.
I've been called poison because of sharp flaws in my ability of friendship and my aggressive social defenses.
Not being able to relate to women that are in love with me has gotten them boiling up with hatred.
And I fall in love way too hard...I'm reading excellent dating advice that helps a lot though.
I'm trying to fix my flaws, but it's all trial and error, which I can only explain to my friends. I'd only let a woman know about it if I got very serious with her. The last time that happened, I didn't know I had AS.
Pretty much, my defenses made me crunchy on the outside, and gooey on the inside.
I wonder if I'll notice when I find a female aspie. But if she's uncomfortable with the same things I am, we'll kill each other.
Have you ever seen the movie "Adam"? It might help. Also the movie on the bioggraphy life of "Grandin Templeton" which was recently made into a movie. Both characters, one fictional and the other real. If you watch those two movies it may very well help you...then look at the situation you just described again.
As for the sleeping with several sexual partners...that is very possibly a non-learned ethic issue, though I would be putting him in a very hard place as that kind of behaviour radically endangers your health and his own for STDs and HIV...not stuff to fool with. And physchologically and emotionally it appears to be very damaging to you. Name it. It may make him run because he realizes he did something wrong, but AS causes seeing in Black and Whites for rules and if you make it a new rule he will have to face his choices. I know you love him, but for his own sake and yours that patterning needs to end. Nothing good or healthy physically or mentally can come with it. (not a moral soapbox as that is not the purpose, but think in therapy advice on not doing yourself damage and self respect....you do deserve and need this to be healthy.) If you can't trust the person you are with heartbreak will continue long term and I think you deserve to be treated well.
Hugs and hang in there....
C.
ps. At times people with AS can be easily swayed from my experience... Meltdowns are very common (hiding or running away or blow ups included), and brillance makes sense mixed all in one package. It is part of what is facinating to me about my partner who has AS.
thank-you so much!
Can you tell me more of what you mean when you say that you are suprised that love is not that to a NT? I am just wondering as I think I may have missed understanding something?? Curious on your views of what love looks like to you :o)
Thanks for your comments and welcome!
C.
With understanding of AS since he broke up with me two years ago, I came to a place of acceptance and released him to his own world. One thing I noticed was while we were together, I constantly felt there were "land mines" lurking at a turn, not knowing AS symptoms, I was always on my toes to make sure not to step on a land mine, which can be shocking, stunning or both at the most unsuspected moments.
It made him feel very bad to hurt me, and in the end, I think he felt he just didn't want to making me feel bad, and yet had no idea why.
Now that he comes into my life once in awhile, and I understand him so much more, while he is in a new relationship, doing the exact routines with her as we shared for 14 years, I understand why he continues to keep in touch with me. I see him becoming more acceptant of his AS traits. He feels sad for what happened to us. But I now know he is just looking for a good smile and a good hug to feel loved. I over-analyzed our relationship all these years. Everything is basically very simple, more simple than a NT can imagine. But his/her reality is really all they've got. So now I understand, and I am okay.
Just wanted to say I just discovered this site and this thread; it's really apropos for me and I'll try to put together a thoughtful post in a bit. I've read a good 40 pages of it. This site is mind-blowing.
I've got somewhat savant abilities, and was only diagnosed in 2007 (I'm 41). Still trying to find the light.
d
C.
The reason I was so intrigued by RDs story in particular, is that it is so similar to my own issue. only in reverse. RD was an NT woman who loved an AS man. I am an AS man, in love with an NT woman. I must say, most of the advise and opinions people have given here, I've already tried. I have always been a huge fan of communication. I know that it is my weak spot, so I like to spend the extra time to focus on it with my relationships. I want to know that I am safe, and know exactly where I stand with my partner, at all times.
Now... that has actually worked very well for us. She has often expressed to me that she wasn't comfortable with a relationship with me, because she knows how seriously I take matters of love. We are both young, but she knows that I am mature in many ways, and am not looking for someone to simply date, I am looking for someone to share a signifigant bit of my life with. This intimidates her, and she doesn't feel that she is ready for that. I didn't tell her about my AS, but I think she already knew that there was something not quite right about me. Anyway, through these conversations, we've come to be comfortable with each other, and more notably, I would become more comfortable with our relationship. She always maintained that she wasn't ready yet. But she often mentioned plans for the future, and when she did, I was usually in them. She has directly stated that, at the absolutely least, we will forever be extremely close friends. She always was very clear that we were not in a relationship. But she was also always very clear that we might be, someday. She always left me feeling hopeful after our conversations.
However, about four months ago, that changed. A mutual friend of ours asked her out, and she agreed. It completely blindsided me... I still hurt to this very day. but I have been managing to handle it, because she and I still talk just as much as we always did. We still talk about our feelings, she still tells me how much I mean to her (platonically, of course) and I tell her how much she means to me (not platonically). But she tells me that she is commited to this other man now. And she cannot give me the hope she used to.
I am confused by this statement. It implies that she recognizes how I feel, and wishes that she could give me the hope she used to, but doesn't out of respect for her current relationship... but does that mean she does actually care about me, and just can't express these feelings because of her commitment to him? For ages I was utterly bewildered by this statement. it hurts not knowing if she actually feels anything beyond friendship...
...needless to say, I was under a lot of stress and during that time, and ever since, I've been having a lot more meltdowns. I was virtually always on edge. My work efficiency has fallen significantly, I am losing weight, and sleep, and am just generally distraught. it was during some of these meltdowns that she came to me, trying to understand why I had snapped. trying to understand what had happened. she consoled me. apologized that she had chosen the other man over me. sympathized with me, lamenting at how unfair it was, and how I deserve to be happy. It was during one of these sympathetic conversations about a week ago that I finally told her about my AS.
Her response was one of confusion. She didn't know what aspergers was. But, as I explained it to her, it was as if she had seen the light. As if she had had an epiphany. She understood immediately, and has been supportive ever since. She immediately began researching it. She was the one who brought me here, actually.
*continued*
So, I guess my question is... how does she really feel? She tells me that she cannot give me hope, because she is confident in her current relationship. I tell her that I am hopeful for the two of us anyway, and wish for her current relationship to end (another thing I am ashamed of). Then, in response, she goes and researches how aspergers manifests in relationships? How am I supposed to take that? What am I supposed to do? Even if it turns out she does care about me, she is still in a relationship with someone else... what am I supposed to do about that? Since I have told her about my AS, she has been less adimant about not giving me hope, and she seems to acknowledge that there is still a possibility of a future between us... but... she hasn't actually said that directly... so I can't be sure of that. It could be she simply understands that I won't give up hope, no matter how often she gently nudges me away... because that's all it ever is, a gentle nudge... she has never gotten angry or strict, and has never actually told me off for my affections... which is another reason I am confused... most of my previous rejections involved a lot more anger... it makes it feel as if this rejection isn't really from the heart... so, does she really care about me, or am I just lying to myself? Sometimes I wonder which of us really has AS...
I'll try to take a stab at this current problem in the context of what I want to work on long term. (If this sounds like 'therapy talk', well, I'm considering going back to do that for the first time in several years).
I seem to have trouble getting relationships started. My last serious relationship lasted several weeks in late 2005. I seem to get few opportunities, often with the wrong person -- which I know now because of the current situation -- and I can't handle things & myself & things go nowhere.
I am going through a lot of changes in my life -- about to get an undergraduate degree in August and looking for a job even now in this market. You've heard of the 80% underemployment rate among AS adults? Quite a challenge. I am also a writer, and I also do a radio show. I met a wonderful young woman (late 20s, probably) who I trained on my radio show May 9. We hit it off so well that she even said she would like to be on my show weekly.
I got so excited that I actually started losing sleep. Insomnia has been a problem for me in general. The maximum dose of Wellbutrin and caffeine use -- less so than ten years ago. Both of these really help with performance in general. I also get too serious and think way too far into the future, which happens every time. A wild imagination is a mixed blessing.
She was on my show May 21. These two factors (handling myself & expectations & insomnia) made me not present as well as I wanted to. Not really embarrassing, but I got distant at the end. There was one point where I could sense she wanted to ask her out and there was like a wall in front of me and I couldn't do it. I was distant and she was distracted and our time together ended abruptly.
I sent an e-mail to her in the evening revealing the AS. She wrote back in 24 hours, she was very accepting. I read the e-mail the next morning and it brightened my whole day.
There is something very liberating about our interactions. They are actually helping with my self-confidence. She is really together and has some really appealing qualities (She is a kindergarten teacher. Her facebook page said she likes teaching and learning. I come from that background also). On some level she has already given me her heart, too -- or at least that's what I'm perceiving (but I'm perceiving this with a sense of disbelief -- I have a good sense of self worth, but not on the relationship level -- why would someone want me?).
So I guess what I'm trying to deal with is the handling myself aspect as well as the insomnia. I still wish to live as normally as possible during this time of many changes. I am SO inexperienced in relating in this way.
I may write more specifics later about this, but this is a start.
d
Stillness and patience might be a challenge for me right now; I know it's important. I am not sure entirely her feelings for me or how/if she wants to proceed -- the dating route? It's as if I need to relearn how to take it slow -- as most relationships traditionally unfold. Though I am not sure if she wants to go about it traditionally. Both of her last two e-mails said 'I hope you have a good week' -- just noticed today both said the same thing. I was very appreciative that she was giving me space, and I haven't e-mailed back (yet) because she's going away and because I am trying to move forward in all of this work, which is what I think she wants.
But it's as if I have to relearn how to date. Actually, I don't think I've EVER been through a traditional dating process -- one started off as pen-pal, another started off pretty much physical (and was a listener of my radio show from 1989), and the third major one as sort of a combination (e-mail & phone, since it started more recently). I do wish to talk with her on the phone. I think that's appropriate and I sense it might work pretty well. So perhaps I just need to focus on that. Believe it or not, I have yet to ask her for her number; I usually allow some time & space before I do that.
All thoughts are welcome.
d
I have only now realized that keeping routine schedules and daily rituals were very, very, important to my ex-asperger partner. I learned that the hard way because by nature, I am a spontaneous person. His reality consisted first and foremost the exact same daily routines.
If I understood then it was what made him feel comfortable and safe, I would have been much more sensitive to that need and have discussions about it with him.
Undiagnosed, we had arguments about his rigidity and my NT insensitivity to his routines. That was the main reason for his meltdown, when his routines got interrupted, which happened sometimes in the NT world.
My daughter asked why I couldn't take the dogs out this weekend for example and I tried to explain to her that we have specific jobs at our house and that if I "share" the job then it becomes my job then as he will stop doing it. It is hard to explain but things are black and whites. It took a LONG time to teach him what it means to think in twos and though he still doesn't really understand it I think, he has learned patterns of behaviours that makes me think he is thinking of my needs...when he gets a drink I get a drink for example. The action receives a positive response so he has learned that by doing this it is a positive and so he continues that behaviour pattern very regularly. He also hates conflict and does not know how to cope when we argue or don't get along. He goes around talking to anyone who will listen to try to understand and it sends him in circles of stress. I finally the last time told him "WE DON"T FIGHT WELL" and that he does not cope with it well and that we are better off JUST NOT FIGHTING and talking things through instead and so far we haven't had a fight since...not that we ever fought much ever anyways but when I first moved in he was having melt downs every 2 weeks breaking things not coping...now we have been together for two years and things are more consistant and he is doing JUST GREAT!! Mind you he also is no longer working which means that he can take care of his needs, the house that he cares for and engage and sink into his interests to his heart is content. He has very few actual responsibilites but housework but he does that well and consistanly...like Sundays use to be laundry day..well today is Sunday and sure enough I just got a comment "And I got some laundry done" To which I said GREAT! :o) And Smiled...positive response and then he knows he is doing something right and it is helpful!!! :o) He is such a great guy!! Glad I made the efforts to find out more about him and his needs, he is a wonderful partner so far for the most part :o)
I actually ploughed through all 267 comments! Needlessly to say, my eyes are all blurry now. :o)
I am a female Aspie and I have noticed that there is an overwhelming number of NTs out there grieving over their Aspie boyfriends / husbands insensitive behaviour. My heart really goes out to all you wonderful ladies. You care so much about your relationships and want so badly for it to work out.
I just wished, as a female Aspie, I could sometimes get to read about the ruminations of NT men agonising over the fate of their relationships.
I am having a lot of difficulty understanding this guy who is interested in me. As you know, we Aspies tend to see things in black and white. I have known him for 20 years. He is married (unhappily so he says) and has expressed his feelings for me. He insists that he has had feelings all this time but he never acted upon them bcos the always thought that a girl like me would never give a guy like him the time of day.
The thing is, I find it very hard to believe that he could have had all these feelings for me all these years. He has dated all these other women and even married one in all the years in between. Should I believe him and give hima chance? I am incredulous. I am attracted to him. But I am hesitant.
Please advise. I am completely clueless. I am feeling very lost and miserable.
Wait until he's divorced - and then wait some more. (or go find someone else).
I'm not saying this simply because it's "wrong" - although technically it is. There's a lot more to it than that;
1. You'll always get found out. These things can't be kept secret because even if nobody ever tells, the husband's general body language will change enough for the wife to know.
2. Regardless of what happens, you'll be seen as the aggressor. People will think poorly of you because you're the unattached party. If you have any mutual friends, they'll turn on you.
3. "The grass always looks greener on the other side". He may seem to be a nice guy but if there are problems in his marriage then he is at least a part of them.
4. There are no guarantees. He might not ever leave his wife - especially if he has kids. You could be the third wheel in the relationship for a long, long time - and he could still not ever commit to you.
5. You're probably being used as a way for him to more easily leave his relationship. This is the same as being a rebound relationship (but is just a little worse). He might decide to be single once he's comfortably left his wife.
6. If you break up his relationship by becoming more than a friend and then it doesn't work, you'll lost his friendship forever. It's better to have a friend than just the memory of a failed relationship.
Normally I wouldn't be this strong on this statement, but I think you may be walking into something that is VERY unhealthy.
Your message about the man who is married who likes you hit a cord here. I think that from what I have seen of affairs and men who leave their wives for someone else and then end up with that not working long term either says volumes. Attachments don't come easily in reality and certainly relationships take work. If he is that miserable in his marriage it has nothing to do with you and your being the short term answer to "fit it" really will just have him with his emotions even more messed up then they are now. Do you know if he has been with other women already while being married...from your statement that he has already "dated lots of women" before this since knowing you and then gotten married says to me that he likely knows the right things to say but his commitment levels are very low. Honestly, if you are friends and want to stay that way then that is up to you. If you think it will help his wife to fall in love with them and affect their family then even if you love him and he loves you (whcih I am not so sure I am hearing beyond physical attraction), then at least give his wife the respect in allowing him to end his marriage officially and then I would agree with Galvin and wait and while and then a while more. You need to have boundries here I think and as you see in black and whites but find relationships confusing as in this one is normal. But for your own sake find someone who is special who isn't attached already. Besides if he has kids then they have feelings to. And if he leaves his wife and she ends up with custody you can expect a LARGE amount of his pay cheques to be going to lawyers and then child support. So if he has an amazing salary, great! But if not you may wish to realize that you could very well end up supporting him financially at least in part at the end of all this if you do end up together. There are so many options out there for men that are healthy and could treat you well.... if he can cheat on his wife now, realize he can very well cheat on you later. It is just a REALLY bad cycle to end up and I think you very well deserve a HECK of a lot better!!!! But the choices are yours to make, just be very concious of what you are walking into in this one as I think it is a very hot potato and I would hate to see you think that things are wonderful initially only to end up burnt in the end... it's not worth the costs.
The stats in the end may be helpful...marriages have 50% odds of making it in our society today. Second marriages the stats drop significantly long term .... just know that it maybe won't be as happily every after as he is painting it out to be .... Take care of YOU!! You deserve that and more!!!
Thanks for taking the time to advise me. It is much appreciated.
My self-confidence is at an all time low at the moment because I am so filled with self doubt.
To tell you the truth, I blame myself for this mess that i am in. I feel that bcos of my inability to read body language accurately, I unwittingly walked into this dysfunctional situation.
My guard is usually up when it comes to men because I just don't trust them easily. But with this one, it was down. I trusted him because he was a friend. Someone who was always there for me when I was sad.
When he kissed me for the first time some months back, I was taken aback.
He said: I like you a lot.
I said: But you're married.
He said: Not for long.
I feel like a fool for believing him. That's the hardest thing to let go of. My therapist told me I should not be so harsh on myself. I am trying. But it is so hard to forgive myself for my naivety, for misplacing my affections.
Was everything just a horrid LIE?
PS: He does not have any kids.
Anyone in an unhappy situation will seek a way out. Just as you don't know that you're in a "rebound relationship" until it's over, he is probably unaware that he's using you to break out of his current relationship.
Your guard was down because you were trying to support a friend. If you want to be able to remain friends, you need to back away for now and let nature take its course.
Well I agree with Galvin that it may not have been a lie on his part for feelings but he does need to sort out his life before jumping both feet into yours. Physical attraction is always less then helpful sometimes when your already unhappy in a marriage to being with.
I agree with your therapist also that you need to be less hard on yourself. People are hard to figure out at times and remember there is black, white and grey in everything. Even when we can't see the grey it is very much there. We make choices good, bad and so-so every day and we all do it...so hang in there and know that things will come around in time. You maybe need some space and time with your therapist and even friends to figure out what is healthy for you and whatever you decide we are still here hanging out so please don't take anything I wrote as harshly as it maybe sounded... just really not wanting you hurt in the end more then anything as I think sometimes we as women can hope for things that look good in relationships and the first part of relationships generally our body's make chemicals that make us feel good so it is not just a logical response, or an emotional response but also a chemical response within each of us. Sometimes it takes time to figure things out so give yourself permission to be ok with the unsureness and taking the time to not run at it all but walk.... that is ok too!!
C.
2 months ago, I decided to take unilateral action by cutting him off. I changed my telephone number without telling him so that he can no longer contact me.
I refuse to start something with him when he has not ended things with his wife.
I am angry with him for messing with my head and jeopardising our friendship. I can't help thinking that he probably does not cherish our friendship at all if he is / was willing to take such risks and liberties with me.
I am not only disappointed with myself, I am also disappointed with him.
To anyone else who is reading this, I hope you can see that Aspies do get emotional and feel deeply when it comes to Love. We just find it difficult navigating the grey areas, especially when the other person's intentions are not made clear.
It's been 2 months. Most days I have no regrets cutting him off and avoiding him. But on some days, I miss him and my heart hurts so bad the pain actually manifests itself physically. I can literally feel it ache. I keep asking myself: did I handle the situation well? Did I read him correctly? Was he always a jerk and I just never saw it?
I am thankful that I am able to come here and get the support I need. Relationships are difficult for Aspies.
I posted several days ago, and nobody responded. I'm thinking maybe I'm on the wrong blog? Is there a "how to get relationships started" blog? Gavin alluded to that in this post.
If there is can somebody direct me to it?
David
Sorry I seem to have missed replying to both of your postings. Not on purpose I am in school now working on a Masters and life is upsidedown, insideout and backwards these days...confusing and just plain very busy.
Anyways, I can't answer either of all of your postings so I wanted to drop in a note and say I do hope you find happiness. I think that first comes within our own lives on our own and then if we are lucky enough to add another to our life then that can be a blessing. For the most part dating can be pretty challenging for most people. Liking someone, having them like you back or not, then where to go from there. It takes alot of time, communication, work and even then there is no guarentees. Relationships I have found more times then not are just plain confusing and alot of work.
They can be wonderful but being selective in who you chose to give your heart to is wise. Taking the time to get to know them as a friend. Being able to talk and know that it may become something else and it may not needs to be an ok thing to prevent yourself from getting hurt.
My partner as AS and he had crushs on more women then I know how to count. He was always hopeful. Always wandering after them. And in the end none of them really worked out until I came along. When I told him I liked him he asked me if I liked him did I think other women could like him to? Not what you ask someone who wants to potentially date you. In fact I did not understand AS much at the time and I was pretty hurt and offended. He thought that if it didn't work out with me maybe he did have a chance with finding someone.... well that was over 2 years ago. We are still together. As it goes along living together I think it is getting easier. there were HUGE HUGE bumps at first in his adapting and I still do things that bug him (mostly because I remind him some of his mom and he can't seem to seperate the two identities as clearly as he needs to. He had to learn how to think and learn to live in 2's rather then in 1's which is the world was focused on only him... he still has some work to do in this area but is 90% more clear about that then when we started. I can say I love him dearly and would rather be with him then not.
So...keep working on it. Don't get your hopes up so high that you hurt yourself if things don't work out the way you hoped. Do invest in your own life that you are happy in yourself. Do communicate how you feel if you like someone and know that it may or may not be able to be returned...we all face this. Have confidence that you are worth getting to know and have something special to share. Treat those around you well no matter who they are... it shows. And relax and try to be you... you can't be anyone else and your special just for who you are.
Good luck and keep us posted in how it is going?
Christine
I was just wondering what attracted you to your boyfriend initially if he seemed so obtuse and sometimes said things that hurt your feelings.
I guess as an Aspie I find myself wondering what it is that guys find likeable about me since i am pretty sure i do come off as being a little off beat and quirky.
thanks for the note. My first response to your question of what attracted me to my partner is that he is very friendly and just kind of dropped in. In fact when he first dropped by it was close to Christmas, my ex husband had moved out and my children also. Steve didn't know. He just came by to bring in an 8 by 10 photo with some kittens he had taken and a yearly calendar on it. He was just being friendly and kind. I told him about my family having moved out and he asked quite simply if he could come back to check in on how I was doing... I knew then that he had a capacity for caring. Later one we dates briefly but there were too many issues in his life and my own so I ended things and asked to be friends. But about 9 months later again I was in a spot where I didn't know what to do and Steve showed up and again he was caring. And I knew again he had the capacity for caring. Then in time I ended my job unexpectantly and had to move. Steve came and helped pack my home. In fact I had gotten a job quite a ways away and I was driving and working 12 hour days and Steve ended up packing and cleaning most of my home because he knew I couldn't do it on my own and I was pretty well exhausted from the long days. And then we ended up dating and we went through a few more hard things, Steve's factory closed, he lost his job and he ended our relationship due to the stress. I found an apartment and he came to visit twice and I asked if he would like to live there and he said yes. He moved in. We then about a year later moved into my house where we live now. So it has been alot of moving, changing jobs, loosing jobs, new jobs, more jobs ending, more moving and in all of it Steve has treated me well. He is not perfect but he is kind. He is thoughtful. He cares for things when they need to be and he cares for and about me. He has the capacity to be actually nice. So when things are not perfect and he has meltdowns at times but honestly he is gentle, smiles alot, he is curious, kind and though I don't know that he understands what love is, he knows how to express in very real and practical terms that he definitely cares about me. He is also very good to my daughter who is now 18 and in general if I need a hand in doing something Steve is here. He is good company overall though spends a fair amount of time on his own interests which is photography. All in all I just wouldn't trade him. I have had well educated husbands..two of them actually, and Steve did some college but never finished, he does not now work since his job ended two years ago and for now I have been supporting him financially, but he does SO MUCH for us here, caring for the yard, our pets, making dinner, doing laundry, etc that he puts in his share of the effort here and more. all in all I have found that I am finally enjoying my life. We don't have tons, the basics and sometimes less then that in real finances but honestly I have found out that being together can make even the simpliest life very special and it is not what I have but who I have in my life that makes life that much more special.
Not sure that I answered your questions but that is who and what I value in the partner I have chosen and yes he has AS. But he is also a wonderful human being and thankfully I figured that out :o) I am lucky that I did.
C.
Well a few things came to mind that your partner may not really realize at this point...just observations from what I have read about autism and aspergers. When you are away it is VERY VERY common for someone with AS to be just fine and not miss you. This is a trait that is quite common. But socially they are taught that the common response is that they should feel they miss someone so when they don't this is confusing for them. The fact that your smile use to movitivate him to do things to make you happy... well people with autism learn how to act the way people expect to gain their approval so this is not suprising. The fact that he no longer feels this is as important is also common as he is very likely being pulled back into his own interests which are very strong for those with AS. So these are very common traits that I think your partner is maybe not understanding as normal for someone with AS. In having just moved everything will be very overwhelming, daily routines will have changed, where things are to be placed, what to expect, all of this is incredibly intense for someone with AS so if you are not coping as well finding it stressful your partner will also be picking up on these feelings making him less unsure and he will be finding this whole experience incredibly confusing until things are settled there for a while. Moving for anyone is stressful, but moving away from supports, experiencing a new area, a new home, etc I am not at all suprised that your partner is not seemingly feeling ok. Change is HUGE for AS. So all in all, does he experience being "in love" with you... well every relationship goes through points were feelings are more intense and times when feelings are less intense. Withdrawing into ones self with this level of changing enviromental issues is also a common trait with AS. If they feel insecure they withdraw because being within themselves is a safer feeling.
So I know it looks confusing and it is, just try to understand that I think unless you both split now that in a few months from now things will likely become more calm, routines will be re-established more and his emotional state will hopefully become more settled. If he has been with you this long your are part of his daily routines and not having you around though he may not know it will not be as easy as appears. He will know that something is missing and out of place if you are not there. It sounds strange but things changing is stressful for AS and yet when something is suppose to be in their life in certain places...like you being in your home, when that changes the coping becomes very difficult. I am suprised that you have not mentioned any meltdowns more then you have...the breaking down crying saying he loves you but is not in love with you may be part of the confusion of just having too much coming at him at once. He needs to learn more about the fact that for someone with AS being away and not having missed you though is very normal for this condition...VERY.
Hang in there! Hopefully the two of you can get passed this big change in moving and are able to become more stabilized again. If that can't happen then please take extra care in taking care of you!!
C.
Anyway, he is living for now in another country 3,301 km away from where we met and I still live. He comes once or twice a year. He has always known that I love him but, completely unexpected to me he said that if we both lived in the same city we could be in a relationship but it seemed unfair to him to just come a week or two per year, be with me and leave.
I was not thinking properly so I just said that being together was ok for me since HE was telling me wanted that. I didn't care about anything else. So we had intimacy.
First I read everything I could on how to do that in order to satisfy his particular need on that matter regarding the AS. It went great to both I think but I'm uncertain on what made him do that. He has trouble expressing feelings and I have trouble interpreting them.
Is it possible that all he wanted was the intimacy regardless the person he had it with or is it that he really wanted to be with me for an emotional motive?
I don't know how to ask him about that and he has been really detached since that happened, I'm going insane because he's heading back to where he lives tomorrow and I just don't know how he feels.
I hope you can help me on the interpretation on aspie point of view. I really care about this person and I want to make him feel alright.
Thank you enormously!
You seem like a really loving and patient individual. I think your guy is very lucky to have you in his life. But you know, for myself personally, I sometimes wonder why anyone would want to be in a relationship with me. I mean, since I've got Asperger, I am naturally quite obtuse when it comes to things like other people's emotions and body language. I can be unintentionally tactless and hurtful too. Why would anyone want to be with someone who seems so emotionally unavailable? The thing is, I have been told that I'm incredibly attractive for a girl and guys are always pursuing me. But the me on the inside does not match the me others see on the outside. I just feel that people have all these assumptions about me, not realising that i am an Aspie. I feel so conflicted and awkward. When I do like someone and would like to be in a relationship with him, I do not know where to place him in my life. I guess I am not good at sharing space - both literally and emotionally. Are there any guys out there who are dating aspie girls? Your feedback would be most appreciated. :)
Well the best approach is likely to talk to him openning with very specific questions. You also want to know how he feels... he may not understand that question...ask him what he "thinks" about the events that have happened and your relationship with him now. I know it sounds unromantic but ask very intellectually based questions and you are likely to get further...not feels, thinking is the key to possibly reaching him. Logic from what I can figure out is the best approach which may help you find out what you want to know..what is the status of your relationship now, where might it go, does he want in a relationship, etc... those are the types of things he may be able to answer...
When we get stuck on questions here I ask scaling questions. Example on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being not at all and 10 being your amazing I can't live with out you...how do you see me in your life? (you may want to simplify that type of question even but scaling seems to work!) I asked this week what the odds were that we would not be together in the future again between 1 - 10 and got the answer of a 2 ..maybe a 1... I said so that means we won't likely be together and he was able to correct me and say No that means that it is not very likely that we will not be together. That made me pretty happy :o)
Good luck and let us know how it goes!!
Christine
I was talking to my mum about the relationship troubles & she told me that he may have mild Aspergers. She used to care for kids with autism and could see some mild signs in him. He has hasn't been diagnosed with it, but from my research it's likely he does. He has the symptoms, but I haven't told him yet.
I don't want to moan about him, I just want to try to learn to understand him better. I care about him a lot. We have been together for about 2 and a half years & I have always thought there was something missing, but I didn't care. He was such a polite man who made me feel like the most happiest women in the world! He was the best boyfriend a girl could ask for! He was very sweet and caring. He showed me a lot of love & affection. He liked to take me out for romantic meals and buy me flowers all the time, which I liked, but I did think he spoiled me too much, I mean theres other ways to show love . I didn't want him to spend tones of money on me. This soon ended though, I felt bad because he nearly spent all his money on me, but it was hard to stop him. I would hand out money and he wouldn't take it! So I started to get to the till before he could. I like to pay my way in a relationship and believe it's fare to be 50/50
After 4 months in to our relationship he asked me to move in, which I agreed to. I admit it was a bit foolish considering we hadn't been together that long, but I loved him.
Since we moved in together things have got hard. At first it was ok, but now it's changed. He won't speak to me that much anymore, he never tells me his plans. He never tells me he loves me unless I tell him I love him. He is happy to sit and watch tv all evening without speaking a word to me; I feel lonely. I ask him what is wrong and he saids "nothing". It's almost like he is in a mood with me a lot, but never tells me why. I can't think of anything i've done wrong. he never hugs me unless I go to hug him & when I do, I can feel him tense like he isn't really comfortable. he never kisses me unless I go to kiss him, but again I don't think he comfortable with it. I asked him if he is attracted to me, he said "yes". I ask him if he likes hugs and kisses, he saids yes, but he blames it on his upbringing of not having much effect ion from his parents when he was a kid. It's strange because at the beginning of our relationship, he would always show me effect ion even without me asking him. He couldn't keep his hands off me! I'm sure he loves me in his own little strange way, but I wish he would show me more. At the start I felt loved, but now it feels like he is just using me. I do all his washing and all the housework on my own even though we both work long hours. If I don't do it then it doesn't get done.
He is obsessed with money. He doesn't like me spending money and it feels like he can't trust me with it. It doesn't make any sense because I have never been in money troubles; never been in debt. I've always been a good saver and he knows this, but he won't let me buy anything for myself.
I can't make any sense out of him sometimes, I was hoping someone who also has Aspergers can somehow give me some advice.
Thanks
I was talking to my mum about the relationship troubles & she told me that he may have mild Aspergers. She used to care for kids with autism and could see some mild signs in him. He has hasn't been diagnosed with it, but from my research, it's likely he does have it. He has most of symptoms. he is extremely intelligent when it comes to maths but finds it hard to understand a joke.
I don't want to moan about him, I just want to try to learn to understand him better. I care about him a lot. We have been together for about 2 and a half years & I have always thought there was something missing, but I didn't care. He was such a polite man who made me feel like the most happiest women in the world! He was the best boyfriend a girl could ask for! He was very sweet and caring. He showed me a lot of love & affection. He liked to take me out for romantic meals and buy me flowers all the time, which I liked, but I did think he spoiled me too much, I mean theres other ways to show love . I didn't want him to spend tones of money on me. This soon ended though, I felt bad because he nearly spent all his money on me, but it was hard to stop him. I would hand out money and he wouldn't take it! So I started to get to the till before he could. I like to pay my way in a relationship and believe it's fare to be 50/50
After 4 months in to our relationship he asked me to move in, which I agreed to. I admit it was a bit foolish considering we hadn't been together that long, but I loved him.
Since we moved in together things have got hard. At first it was ok, but now it's changed. He won't speak to me that much anymore, he never tells me his plans. He never tells me he loves me unless I tell him I love him. He is happy to sit and watch tv all evening without speaking a word to me; I feel lonely. I ask him what is wrong and he saids "nothing". It's almost like he is in a mood with me a lot, but never tells me why. I can't think of anything i've done wrong. he never hugs me unless I go to hug him & when I do, I can feel him tense like he isn't really comfortable. he never kisses me unless I go to kiss him, but again I don't think he is comfortable with it. I asked him if he likes hugs & kisses and said yes, but blames it on his upbringing of not having much affection from his parents when he was a kid. I think his dad has Aspergers too. It's strange because at the beginning of our relationship, he would always show me affection even without me asking him. He couldn't keep his hands off me! I'm sure he loves me in his own little strange way, but I wish he would show me more. At the start I felt loved, but now it feels like he is just using me. I do all his washing and all the housework on my own even though we both work long hours. If I don't do it then it doesn't get done.
He is obsessed with money. He doesn't like me spending money and it feels like he can't trust me with it. It doesn't make any sense because I have never been in money troubles; never been in debt. I've always been a good saver and he knows this, but he won't let me buy anything for myself.
I can't make any sense out of him sometimes, I was hoping someone who also has Aspergers can somehow give me some advice.
Thanks
i have only been dating a man i highly suspect of having AS for about 6 weeks. i was smitten from the beginning; i think he was too. i'm nearly certain that he knows of his AS - he's dropped a few hints which is what got me to thinking about and researching it. i suspect that his mom helped manage it when he was young - based on a few things he's told me about his younger years - and that they have worked hard on keeping the AS manageable and in many instances, unnoticed. he could simply be a nerd.
i find him a bit of an enigma. in the beginning i would go back and forth between being convinced he had AS to thinking it was simply my imagination. now, however, i'd wager that he does have aspergers, and that he is well aware of it.
when we are together he is ultra attentive, very sweet, and affectionate. well, i should say that the first part of our time together he is often hands-off, until he warms up. then he'll hold my hand, and show affection. when we are apart it is as if we do not exist - an almost complete disconnect. he generally only contacts me related to us getting together. this part i find nearly impossible to deal with. how can we be so intimately close, spend the night wrapped in each other's arms, and then no contact for days. when i first realized there was likely AP, research confirmed a lot of his behaviors. i was initially relieved, even delighted to learn of his rather innocent self. but the reality of it has set in and i am not sure that i can feel nourished enough in this kind of lopsided relationship.
there is a considerable age difference, one of the first things that came up, but it does not seem to be an issue. i've read aspie men tend to be attracted to older women. maybe we're more patient, less demanding. and i am, by nature. but my nature is also to have fairly constant contact, even a phone call a day would suffice.
so many times i have wanted to talk with him to try and find out what he thinks about us, but each time we are together (once maybe twice weekly) words escape me. partly i think because our conversations are generally of an intellectual nature. he has though, on a few occasions, spoken about relationship, even his own, so maybe he is trying to reach across and delve deeper into ours by doing so. he may feel a bit intimidated by my maturity and experience and is waiting for me to speak about us but then again, maybe not. the thing is, i'm not even sure what to say. i want to be blunt, but another part of me wants to let things flow in their own time and at their own pace. but that may mean things never go very far.
to complicate things, there is another guy showing interest. he says all the things i wish my AS guy would say. i've been loyal to my relationship, but am flirting with temptation.
relationships are complicated enough to begin with, but AS is thoroughly challenging.
wishing you all love <3
Thanks
People will know what you mean.
I've just come out of a relationship with someone I think is an ASPIE and his family only confirmed it after we had broken up. I've been reading as much about it as a I can because so much of what has been discussed in this forum happened in our relationship.
He would veer from asking me to marry him and have his children, to breaking up with me because there was nothing "underlying" the relationship. He said he didn't feel for me as intensely as I did for him, yet the thought of me being with another man said would emasculate him.
After we broke up I was very upset and couldn't stop crying so I asked him for some time before meeting up. He then spent some time withdrawing and blaming himself.
He now says he has moved on and that his love for me is no more, but I can't believe this. However, his inability to support me emotionally when something happens makes things even more difficult.
As soon as I need emotional support for something like a death in the family, my mother sustaining a concussion, me having an injury, my flat being part of the floods in Queensland (australia), he escapes.
Yet, in the day to day world, he learned to offer to make me a cup of coffee if he was making one. He learned to offer to make me dinner. He was progressing heaps in the relationship.
However, he says our relationship was a train wreck and he cannot handle being relied on.
I believe that he can live without me, but I feel like I've had a part of myself cut out.
How can I tell him that I've come to understand him, when he wonn't even admit to being an Aspie.
I want to get back together again, but I'm going overseas in 9 weeks for over a year and I feel so upset by this all.
I love him very much and would like to find a way for us to be together in the future.
In any case if you are now moving it will be hard on you to go. I hope your taking extra care of youself!! Whether you are with your partner or not you will need to! AS takes ALOT of work ... PLUS.
Hang in there!
C.
Well Honey...the story you just wrote of your relationship sounds like you both care about each other deeply. Fortunately depression is a chemical imbalance and it is very treatable with right counselling and medication. So just as you found meds for your tyroid to fix this issue, your partner likely also needs medical care. This does not mean that there is no hope. My suggestion is making an appointment for the two of you to go and see his doctor. See what the doctor can do for meds now and then a referal to either a psychiatrist or counsellor as well as meds. The thought had crossed my mind that couples counselling may help, but I think that until there is work on the medical end of things that this may cause more trouble possibly as more issues will come out and you sound like you have more then enough already.
The issue of moving will highten everyones stress as that is very normal. So that combine with a new job if your partner actually has Aspergers or a form of Autism could very well cause HUGE issues for him and none of this is his fault but it will be potentially entirely overwhelming for him. Change is a HUGE thing and coping with so much coming at him and then issues of depression it is not good.
As the decission to "take a break" was yours, I wonder if it might be very good to have some contact over this time. The quiet time will be good for him MAYBE, but the insecurity of a new place to live, a new job and then not having you around could be quite damaging. You are a part of his day to day life and that is huge not to have.
If he is leaning towards being physically distructive tendencies during all of this stress then you must put boundries of your expectations clearly out there as to what is ok and not ok in this. My partner use to break TONS of stuff every time he was ever upset. This is NOT ok. If he knows what you expect the likelihood of him being able to transfer this behaviour into other methods is possible. My partner now when he reachs the point of feeling he will destroy something must go and take a bike ride to calm down. This is a MUST do.
We also for the most part do not fight here. We can't. If we do (and we had a small blow up yesterday over a chair I bought coming into the house when the house has little space in it), I clearly put out that I was not happy with the tone of voice he was using and that I did have a plan and that he could stop now. It sounds like a parent dealing with an upset child and it is just that. I will not any longer put up with things being blown out of proportion when they are small issues. And that seemed to happen alot. So now we are finally settled in a house I own NS MY Pernwe ia expected to respect my belongings, my things and me. I in turn do that same. If that is not possible then he needs to go out for a while to blow off some of that built up steam because if he doesn't he will loose it and then we are not going to be together. I have made it very clear that there are things that are ok and things that are not ok. If he wants to live together as a couple then things must be done in order to keep doing that and one of them is that we TRY to talk things out. Even if we can't when he is upset and he needs to go out for a while, when he comes back I try to take the pressure off but we do deal with the issues. Though if you are in any form of danger then I would suggest that you end it now. For me, it has been a learning curve in how to help him to manage feelings he has never been taught how to deal with. And I can't say I always succeed but most of the time now I think we are doing pretty well.
So it is ALOT of work. Most relationships are. But it is worth the effort. Feeling insecure in a relationship when you don't know how to read someone elses behaviours and feelings adds alot of tension. You cannot fix his depression, but you can make the steps to help him. I strongly suggest that if he is really depressed then walking out of his life could place him in more danger and that would be the worst thing for both of you. Try to re-connect, re-assure him and then get medical help. It is the only thing at this point that will help him longer term and it does take alot of time but the results will likely suprise you. Anti-depression meds can take 3-4 weeks to work. It can take longer to get the right dose as they start out lower and build if not working. It can mean trying a few different meds to find the right combination of meds that the brain is not making enough of for chemicals. But when it comes together in a period of time (it could be 6 months, a year, two years even) you will find that your whole relationship has shifted significantly. Someone does not put 4 1/2 years into a relationship that they don't want to be in. There is help and it is time to go looking for it. I think it could make the world of difference and it likely will.
IMPORTANT -
Please find out if your partner is feeling at all suicidal n his feelings because if so he needs medical care right away!!! The huge changes in his life, threat of ending your relationship, moving, starting a new job, etc for someone with AS is HUGE and it could be FAR too much to cope with. Check on him now to make sure that he is doing ok because with depression that threat can be very real. He needs some help and not necessarily some space at this point in time.
Hope this makes some sense....and if I am wrong, well that is ok. But my best suggestion I can given you is error on the side of caution on this one at this point. There are too many transitions in this process of your relationship at this time and most people would have problems coping. Someone with AS this could be VERY overwhelming for. The quiet time may be good, but the total aloneness I don't think will be when the whole surroundings is entirely new. It will be very confusing for him I think.
Keep us posted
My boyfriend and I are 50ish and recently his work has been very demanding and he’s had to trouble shoot almost nonstop for the past week. I understand all this, but I’m starting to hear the frustration in his voice when we talk on the phone. It can be even just the smallest of things like, “Excuse me? I didn’t hear what you said.” Then he speaks SLOWLY WORD FOR WORD… makes me feel like I’m a child.
I understand he’s worn out, stressed and tired. Usually I just listen to him tell me about his day and how bad it was. His venting is very detailed lasting about an hour and a half. I don’t mind listening to him in the least, thinking it helps him to sort things. But maybe it doesn’t.
He’s also has a wide verity of things wrong with him from a bad ear infection to optical migraines. Also he’s celibate due to his past relationships and is religious choice, saying; we’re not having sex unless I put a ring on that finger. We talk about that often, more him than me. But he’s always telling me about his “member” and him being celibate, I do not want to say anything that leads to me disrespecting his decision. I’m grateful for it actually. But the teasing isn’t fair either and don’t know why he talks about it. Do men with Aspergers take women through test just to see how they will react?
I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone in my life! He’s brutally honest to the point of making me NOT want to say anything if he corrects me. He professes he use to lie as a child all the time. So I would love some tips on some of these things I mentioned. I really want this relationship to last.
Being SO VERY intelligent, he has an answer for EVERYTHING. He tells church folk, friends and co-workers about me, saying, I’m amazing, wonderful, talented and beautiful. I know he loves me and would bet the farm he would never cheat on me. So any pointers to help me would be appreciated. As in, what is the best way to keep the peace or to calm him when he’s stressed?
We’re going on a Bike run this weekend and will be amongst people he knows, most likely. I think I’ll let him do all the talking… Hahaha he’s good at that! :)
He shows in many ways that he loves me; he is physically affectionate, passionate, and eager to share his obsessive interests with me. I have accepted and adapted to his peculiar style of communication and things are going much smoother between us these days.
My problem is that he is obsessed with his ex. He felt that 'soul mate' feeling with her and the relationship ended on kind of a limp note, as he thought he was allowing her space, and she thought he was leaving her. For almost three years he managed to keep it to himself until I came along, and then our child came along. I didn't find out about the ex until our baby was two months old.
The years separating him from her didn't diminish his obsession; he still has a hard time grappling with the change in the 'plan', ie, growing old with her. He feels guilt towards both her and me, and cannot stomach it, so he lashes out.
Is there any advice you can give an NT with a long history of dealing with Aspies? I am not going anywhere, and I want to be the least stressful thing in his life. I just don't know how I can convince him that he loves me just fine, and I consider him perfect for me. I know he doesn't consider me perfect for him, but there is something undeniable keeping him at my side.
Well I thought about your posting and I thought maybe one way to deal with the questions you raise was to talk to my partner who is an Aspie. He responded "anyone can get over anyone if they really want to". I thought that was an interesting response. From what I have seen so far and read, Aspies have challenges making relationships, but when they do they find it very difficult to then leave and not be in that relationship. If you ever did split with your Aspie partner he would have a hard time as you are part of the routines of his day and those have more impact then one would realize. It is true that when I am not around my partner loves the time by himself, but if I am not there long enough he does realize I am not there and that "something is missing"...meaning me. Defining "Love" here is and has been quite the challenge as it is still deemed as an abstract feeling my partner states he does not understand. That said how you are treated speak volumes!!! I have had partners who say I love you but don't act it. Well now i have a partner who does not say I love you but every day he acts it out.... I have come to realize deeply how much that means to me.
So people including Aspies find people they connect with, like, and even long to date, but not all of those relationships work out. My suggestion is that you verbally focus with him on your life together, past activities you have done together that you both have enjoyed, your understanding of what it means to be a family and how important his role now is in that image of what it means to be a family unit. You are right he can think about past relationships and this other woman but the reality is that you are in his life every day. I think as time goes on that people in life fade some and the dream he had of his life with her is now one you are actually now living with him. So imagining something and living in what is real maybe needs to be clarified. The most likely reality is that she is not in his life now and she won't be... no guarentees but a higher probablity in the reality of life.
Sometimes I have realized that understandings of time are an issue and the challenge of being pulled between two people makes my Aspie very confused. (His mother and family said our relationship was wrong and Steve had a heck of a time beign pulled between what they told him and what I told him...both of us loved him but he was REALLY confused by who to listen to. In the end we have severed our life with his family as it was very unhealthy and we could not be a couple if they were in our life so now they are not...that was a harsh stand in my mind but when push comes to shove it is important to be the healthiest we can be and live a life building our life together as a couple).
I hope over time you can work out feelings at home and make new memories that are special as it sounds like life with your daughter is a huge step in that. Aspies can also be dedicated to what they see as being "right" in what they act like and the roles they play in life right now he is "Dad" "husband" to you so there is no room now for "boyfriend" to someone else. :o) Maybe it is time to change the language and see how he responds as he adapts to what is actually his role in your life together. (this may or may not mean actual marriage but it means working with images of social roles and how he understands them... you may be suprised when he realizes that his role is actually in living with you well beyond what some is as a "boyfriend" ...he's your life partner, lover, and best friend...all images that hold social understandings. Looking at the present and at the future can have significant impacts more so then what is in the past. Take care!
It's not hopeless at all.
Jake
I have been so confused with our relationship that he managed to make me feel like I was the one with problem. He had made me feel like I had issues with the questioning and I started to see a counselor. All this time he knew he was an aspie yet had not revealed this to me. Not until the night I texted him to stay away from my places of interest and to stay out of my life. He called me right after the text. He wanted to know how we could settle this riff between us and find a way to be friends. He then finally, told me about the aspies. We slowly started talking and I invited him to thanksgiving with my family. He was very cold to me yet at the same time he would steal kisses and hugs. All so confusing. I have been spending a lot of time trying to learn as much as I can about aspies and relationships. I can't help it. I am in love with him. We are now seeing each other regularly again. He seems to be happy as much as you can tell with an aspie. He seems to be afraid to let me know that. I have asked if we are exclusive again and I get answers like, " well it looks like that doesn't it?", but no real answer. For now, I guess I have no real choice but to accept that. I am guessing from an aspie, this is a yes.
These blogs are fantastic. It has helped me understand him. I appreciate that this is here and will continue to read these blogs so I can understand that man I have fallen in love with.
My Husband that I have been married to for 2 years ( we were friends and dated before) finally agreed to have a child. He has a "mild form" of Aspergers. Yes its challenging but for the most part ive found away to communicate with him and ive learned to ask for what I need. I am 7 months pregnant and he will not attend any of the childbirth classes with me and refuses to attend the birth. I told him he didnt need to look at it but that I really needed him their. This is my first child and my friends tell me that the men are useless anyway but I am convinced that I need him their, My dula is his cousin so I thought it was the best of both worlds. She could take care of both of us. He says that its not the mans place to be in the delivery room and that he will wait outside and he doesnt care if most men are present at the birth. I am extreamly upset by this. I will definatly have feelings of resentment (I dont harbor those feelings with him usually) and iam scared and want him to simply hold my hand. Is this a bad idea for someone for aspergers to attend the birth? is it more trouble then its worth? help please.
You may want to suggest to your husband that it's very disrespectful for a husband to not be present at the birth.
He needs to be there because he's partially responsible for it and because you may need him to make decisions for you or communicate things to the doctor.
Your baby won't be impressed if he/she grows up knowing that daddy wasn't there. My mother and I always held it against my father that he was out sailing (and then down the pub) when I was being born.
I've always, as an adult, been disgusted with myself for the way I have reacted to her seemingly apathetic responses to everything and her flat affect. She had frequent "meltdowns" all my life & I never understood how my NT father tolerated her outbursts. Now I understand; and with the time I have left with her, it will be different. Unfortunately now, it may not be enough time to make up for how I have felt & reacted to her over the years.............
I only found this site because I believe my new man friend is an Aspie & don't understand why he hasn't felt safe enough to reveal this to me. We are both mental health professionals & no doubt he is diagnosed......that's another discussion for another day..........Time to visit my mother again.
I am posting some info on my Facebook & Twitter sites to help make othes more aware of Asperger's & to hopefully bring some peace into their lives also. Thank-you all again.
I believe that the posts are still active and you'll probably get some repsonses from here.
You may find that you get better responses on facebook though.
There is a life with Aspergers page but you might find that some of the general Aspergers pages provide even more responses.
I will start from here and with a simple question (the situation is VERY complicated). Then I will go down the path of my story (very complex, as I said)...
IF he has AS (which I will explain in another post why I think he possibly does), is it 'normal' that after breaking up after a very long and, even if with problems, intense relationship where we lived together most of the 15 years (he called me his wife even if he did not marry me 'because he could not endure the cerimony with people' he always claimed), he would say that he got over me in 3 days watching DVDs and that he himself was surprised he did not feel anything or was upset and to act as if I do not exist? If I asked if he missed me the answers have been: 'no, because even after we broke up you were still in the house' (we lived together still for almost 1 year, until recently - and he did not want to leave even if he did not want to be with me anymore...) or 'maybe if you go away for some time I may miss you' and, when I did go away, the answer was 'no, I did not miss you because we talked one day on the phone and we had a fight; also it was like you do not exist, just like if people do not remind me that I have a sister I don't remember that she exists' or 'your things were here so I could not miss you'. I told him these answers fail to capture the very sense of 'missing someone': he seemed not to understand this remark of mine.
Also he immediately (after 3 days) got on the net and found a woman to whom he chatted for one year and has only now found the way/courage or I don't know what to meet her and they have started a relationship (although he is very secretive about her). However he still says there is a possibility for us in the future: he has said so all along in this year but as time goes by he modifies his claim a bit and now he says the possibility means that if we are both single then by logic we might get back together. My question was: Where are your feelings in all of this??? No clear answer, like it was difficult for him to understand. In fact only a couple of time I cornered him into answering the question whether he still loved me, because usually when I asked him he said: 'I don't wanna be with you'. But he could not make the connection between that and loving or not loving me; it seems like he did not understand it. (Only once when I asked him whether he loved me still he replied that he did not know what love was anymore, because before we broke up he thought love was 'wanting to be with someone with the rest of your life' and now he was confused. To me that is not the meaning of love..., I mean it is an answer that miss the target, in a way.)
Finally, because the main reason which led to our break up was the lack of emotional support and ability to share live events on his side, he always repeat that I criticised him and he can't forgive that. He displays a lot of anger when we interact. Anger is the only emotion I have seen from him.
Do you think in time if he has AS it is in theory possible that he could find his love for me again or once it is gone it is gone for someone with AS?
Thank you!
P.S. I just wish to point out that I am not just trying to find an explanation for his behaviour: when I will tell you what I think the signs of him having AS are, then you'll see what I mean by having a strong suspicion... For now I can just say that the reason why our relationship got messy towards the end and we broke up was me not being able to put up anymore with him not being able to give me emotional support or to share emotional things in life (very basic one too). I always resorted to friends and family for that because he could not meet my needs in that. The problem is that I always mistook that for lack of love from him, even though he always denied it, while I have loved him ENOURMOUSLY and still do.
(BTW I ended up in counselling because of the break up because to me it was so hurtful that he could act just as if I did not exist... that he could feel nothing, not even miss me after 15 years... while to me he IS my family...)
OK, in general:
-He hates social circumstances (e.g. he blamed me because a few years ago he could not get out of going to a friend's wedding...);
-He does not have friends and in his life he had very few and always their relationship was not deep, as far as I know;
-He talks very little to other people, does not see the pint, is not interested, get uncomfortable in social gatherings(I was the only exception...);
-He is a GENIOUS in his work; he is a world expert and wherever he goes they are amazed at how smart in his academic work he is;
-He focus a lot on his work: this was a problem because I often felt like it was more important than me... to me it was just another sign he did not really love me;
-He has very little relationship with his family (formal one only);
-He cannot easily look people in the eyes (I was the only exception!);
-He can feel comfortable much more in academic environment than at dinner with family;
-He does not seem to get the meaning of empathy (once there had been a natural catastrophe and I was worried about the family of a friend and he said: 'why worry? either they are alive, so it's OK, or they are dead, so no pointing in worry because it has already happened; a close friend of us died and he, after days of struggling, could not come up with one single word to write to her family from him, so I ended up writing it for him; also he once said that when he hear on the news people died in an accident to him it is like hearing the score of a match..., while I may even shed some tears... - in fact he has accused me of being too emotional);
-He must make an effort to answer the phone; he does not like to talk on the phone;
-I noticed only recently that he does not know when to end the phone call;
-Public image is incredibly important for him: saying a little thing to someone is impossible for him, even if it is for something imp (e.g. he has not yet told anyone we are not together anymore, which caused enormous problems - I faked for a long time; I was the one who ended up telling even his family...)
-I remember when we first starting dating I'd go to his family's house and once in the house he would just disappear and he would be at his computer: I had to explain to him why you take someone's coat and put it away, etc when the guest arrives and does not really know your family... after explaining to him he did it.
-He always tries to avoid important topics of conversation, like marriage, family but he is not honest and clear in what he says: he always tries to postpone the thing rather than saying e.g. 'I am against marriage' or something like that;
-He listened if I had a problem and wanted to talk, but he never had anything to say back, he stayed silent... he always said that he had nothing to say.
-He never talks about him, he says there is nothing to say; nothing seems to affect him emotionally or at least he does not show it (just as he used to say he loved me but could not always show it);
-I am very affectionate and would hug him a lot, etc and he liked it (he actually said, after the break-up, he always felt I loved him a lot), but sometimes he would push me away saying it was too much...
-He had to make an effort to be naked in front of me and he refused to ever, in 15 years, shower with me;
-The lack of emotional support and sharing is very difficult to explain, VERY difficult, but I felt I was going crazy towards the end because I felt like I was totally alone and isolated; plus I felt like I was stuck because he would always answer my questions about getting married with jokes or excuses to avoid the conversation.
(TO BE CONTINUED)
-He loved that his life is structured and hates change; and he is very methodical;
-His thinking is general is only very logical but to extremes that are shocking...
I want to say that I understood for year the lack of emotional expression on his part in a different way throughout the years: I used to tell him he was a Buddist and he did not know! But in the last years, when very horrible things happened to me (a very serious and premature death in my family; a serious disease for me...) I really needed him to love me, express his love, talk with me... none of which I got... so I got into this horrible state where I felt he did not care at all about me (for example when i got my first surgery he did not come to the hospital but left for a work trip...; when I later confronted him asking why he had not come he stayed silent and when i tried to write to him an email he did not answer it... years later he has told me he felt criticised and therefore did not answer it.)
Also, it may be relevant that his father seem to be a bit like him (e.g. he never want to go to other people's houses and he talks very little).
Finally, I want to say that I think that he does not have all the traits of AS and that in some aspects because of being with me since very young and for such a long time and because of his job he improved, but I do think he displays some other traits - the emotional one is huge; he uses logic where emotions should be used.
I did not listen to the suggestion of him having AS at first but I have looked it up in the last few days after yet another long phone call with him in which we got to talk again about what it means to share things in a realtionship and I was shocked at how genuine he seems when he could not fully grasp the reason why you hug someone when they are sad or sick, and what it means to talk about oneself and to grieve a death. Also when e.g. I told him that a hug and saying 'it is going to be OK, we'll make it together, I am here for you' would have made a lot of difference for me in some circumstances, he took the meaning very literally and could not really get what I meant: he said things like 'but you knew I was there, why say it?' and also he could not get the figurative meaning of 'things are going to be OK' and 'we'll make it together': he asked 'how so?'...
OK, this is just a little taste of things... I hope people can give me some opinion and advice. THANK YOU. Rita
He cannot see things in context: he cannot consider how things may affect people, he separates life-events as if there was no connection.
Also he does not seem to be able to understand other's discomfort and suffering: like e.g. he could NOT understand at all why living together as room-mates was not OK with me, why it hurt me (and finally led me to counselling); he was totally fine with it, with turning a living together as a couple since 15 years (we were very close and united, despite the emotional distance... in fact I used to say we were 50% perfect and 50% completely wrong, but I could not point things out clearly) into a living together as mere room-mates.
He like being in control.
Rita x
I have read a lot in this blog and other places online and I also spent hours in the Library reading about AS. I am pretty sure my ex has it: his specific one, more in some aspects than others, but he does have it. It fits perfectly.
It just makes me so sad. Years of feeling like he did not love me and so many times waiting for a gesture, a reaction, when I did not know that he could not get my sadness or my abstract speeches about love and sharing... I thought he did not care, if he could not make an effort, if his face showed e.g. no sadness when I was sick (prior to that for years I thought he was just kind of shy and with not great self esteem, etc, with which I always tried to help, when it was not exactly that at all.)
How is it possible that in so many years I never came across AS... SO sad, I have loved him and love him so much, everything with us seemed special for so so many years (sharing intellectual interests, being for each other the first real love, wanting to be together for life, etc) and now it is all lost... If I only knew I'd have been 100% ready to work on this together: I am a fighter.
But from what I read it seems that AS men will rarely change their mind (and my ex has always been VERY stubborn and rigid, even on minor issues) and they will rarely forgive a mistake or a lie or what they perceive as a criticism and they can go cold on you overnight (as my ex claims about me...)... so I guess I do not stand a chance, do I?
Opinions? Thanks.
P.S. Funny enough his symptoms are much more evident now than when we we were together: only now he has told me (and this hurt me a lot) the real reason for doing or not doing some things for me/us when together and it was horrible to find this out; only now he explodes in rage if I do not respect his extreme privacy (before I only saw his rage a few times, which scared me because it was the TOTAL opposite of him being extremely calm all the time); only now he is very rude to me and calls me names and says very hurtful things without taking them back then, etc, etc. I guess this is because before he cared and so tried to be careful (even if I did not know that he was doing all of this), while now I am just another NT who has joint the mass of people out there about which he does not care: I became such immediately after the break-up (this hurt me immensely)...
(I also want to say that trying to meet women online looked to my friends -not to me at first, but maybe now I can see there could be some truth in this= like a revenge, but then I guess it has taken a different turn because he is really into this woman, while I am nothing to him...) What should I do? Rita x
But the real question of this post is:
Do I tell him about my suspicion?
I have a sense that he may take it badly; he is very proud and react badly when he feels 'criticised' and he may see this as a criticism... plus since he is seeing another girl (even if it is quite recent) he may think that I want to distract him from her or something. So perhaps I should leave it? I will appreciate any advice on this. Thanks x
I think, though, that things like "commitment" are important in a relationship with an aspie. However, I think things like that often a given (I have no trouble with loyalty and persevering through bad times), but I do understand that I might accept it as so much of a given that I might not demonstrate it overtly very much.
A really insightful article. I'm a 29yo gay male aspie trying to navigate love and relationships. I'm going to look at the other articles that came up in my search.
I think, though, that things like "commitment" are important in a relationship with an aspie. However, I think things like that often a given (I have no trouble with loyalty and persevering through bad times), but I do understand that I might accept it as so much of a given that I might not demonstrate it overtly very much.
A really insightful article. I'm a 29yo gay male aspie trying to navigate love and relationships. I'm going to look at the other articles that came up in my search.
I thank you so much for teaching me many things-- like why I get suicidal when we have a fight. I am Bipolar also and assumed it was that. I see I have a lot to learn and have signed onto your blog to help learn it!!
I have always had a suspicion that men with Aspergers find love easier than women who struggle with it. Let's face it - men can get away with being distant and mysterious a whole lot better than women. And women are more drawn to a man who is distant than a man would be to a women who doesn't connect well.
That being said - are there experiences of men who love women with aspergers on here? What are your experiences?
I'm an aspie. Met this woman at work, who works 3rd shift to my first. Our schedules slightly overlap.
So, she gets targeted for a lot of denegration by her co-workers; socially backward; clumsy; bathing averse . . . you get the picture. I can see past all the aspie stuff. I find her beautiful. A little aspie angel, if that's not too trite.
Watching two aspies try to court has to be excrutiating to the outsider. Almost three years, and I can't tell if she "likes me back" or not. Hot-and-cold mixed signals from both of us. It sucks.
Then today, she's on her way home, and says something about going to bed. I replied that I'd switch places with her. She responded, discretely, "You're perfectly welcome to join me", and walks away-OWWWCH!!
What to do? Two people with the same challenge, and all the crappy baggage that comes with it.
I hope that not only can an aspie find love, I'm hoping that two can love each other and survive.
It's funny because I have ADD and, OCD tendencies and special interests myself. Especially the love of animals. In fact it's wonderful how we both share such a deep love of animals together.
I have always been hopeless with The Rules (all kinds of stuff about not returning calls, expecing him to call you etc), but I acknowledge that men and women are different.
Anyway, I too find myself in the same boat so many of us on here seem to be in!!! I see my Aspie friend every so often. We always have very nice, long (sometimes hours long!)conversations in which it seems like we both lose track of time. These talks are wonderful and positive, and usually we talk about his interests which I also share. He seems to really enjoy our talks, and to really want me there. He stands very close to me, and has trouble looking me in the eye as others have mentioned. He does make the effort to do so though. He also makes the effort to ask me about my stuff sometimes too.
Each time we have a talk, our relationship progresses. More and more is shared, and it becomes a little more personal. In between, however, I'm not sure he even remembers that I exist! It seems we always have to start over, but the place we start over from is ahead of where it was. Someone else on here described it as two steps forward, one step back.
The pattern has always been that I will initiate the contact, and he will (happily, it seems)go along. The problem now is that our last talk became much more personal, and seems to defy the previous pattern. Before, it was me who usually asked most of the questions. This last time, he began asking me all of the questions. He asked me some personal things and shared some personal things about himself. Things changed from talking about intellectual stuff to much more personal stuff. At the end, he said that if I wanted to get together I should contact him. This is the first time he's initiated anything, so I thought we were well on our way to a beautiful friendship! However, once I did contact him, he went AWOL. He never actually said no to my suggested plans, but instead avoided me and put it off.
So, I'm trying to figure out what message he is sending me? Did he just get overwhelmed, and that's it? I've actually given him some space and time, but it seems he's forgotten. I'm really not sure where to go from here? Give up? Ask him directly? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Gavin would you be so kind as to weigh in please?
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 yrs now. But he never said he loves me. One day I can't stand this anymore, then I asked him why he doesn't say "I love you" to me ever? His answer is he doesn't feel he loves me. He tried and thought he can develop love for me, but it doesn't seem working. Later, he even told me he doesn't know what he wants from me and from our relationship. Although I am a greatest person, he can't love me, and I can't force him to love me. But the more I am with him, the more I fall in love with him. Just he doesn't feel the same way-still stays in the same stage as the beginning-likes me. How can I make him love me? I need "love" from my boyfriend. If there's no "love" in a relationship, it's a dead relationship. I went online for online spell casters and i saw this temple sangospelltemple@gmail.com who helped me to make him love me and come back to me if not for the help of Dr Sango i would have single till to day all thanks to sangospelltemple@gmail.com he is the best spell caster.
My husband has just been diagnosed with aspergers. After a year of bliss and not an arguement, it's like the can was opened none stop arguements followed. Any way I know we love each other. The constant irritability and blame has worn me down. His drug taking, which he users to escape and believes to help his creativity got out of control and I lead him to psychologists and detox. Any way when clean he promised to be the best husband and would make up for everything. But I was up set at how he had hurt me and felt I needed to talk about it to move on. He said that I was putting too much stress on him. To me this seems like a joke, as I have withered away to nothing with stress. So we separated. I moved home with my daughter quit my job etc. any way he now says he doesn't want a divorce. Just to see once a fortnight when I can until he is ready. He says I make the house warm when I am there and that he lives me. I love him but it kills me to see my husband once a fortnight and I am not aloud to call or text as this makes him feel trapped. How long can this go on? I can't take it. And I think to myself would it happen again. How can one love another say they are everything that they ever dreamed of and not wonder what is happening in their life?
For the past two years he has said due to stress at work, he has been unable to have any physical contact with me (including holding hands)and I need to respect that and not push him, which, whilst a real struggle, I had been trying to do. Whenever I have questioned his closeness with his ex, he has become verbally aggressive and has said: "how dare I question his faithfulness and humiliate him when I know he has a disorder".
I very recently found out that he has been sleeping with many other women, including having another partner who thought she was the only partner he had.
Are people with Aspergers capable of creating such deceit and manipulation?
One other thing that seems different to people commenting on here, is that he loves social situations and seemingly thrives on being the centre of attention. He says he loves standing up in front of large groups of people and speaking and he frequently does this as he works as an academic and works in the media industry.
I have been guilty of excusing his bad behaviour because he has Aspergers and always making excuses for him to friends and family.
Does this sound like someone who has Aspergers?
While some people with Asperger's syndrome are perfectly capable of addressing a crowd, though usually only in one-way communication, this is generally less common.
People with Asperger's syndrome are able to lie and deceive but most are not particularly good at it. Manipulation however is not a trait I'd normally associate with Aspergers.
It's common for someone with Aspergers to not think to tell their partners that they love them and to have sensory issues such as touch. It doesn't make sense though that your ex could sustain multiple relationships which involve;
- Social contact
- Touch
- Secrecy, Lies and Manipulation
I rather doubt that he would be fit the diagnosis of Aspergers. From your description, it sounds much more like sociopathy.
A sociopath would be perfectly capable of manipulating a doctor into an Asperger's diagnosis.
The majority of issues associated with Asperger's syndrome are indicative of an inability to read and/or understand the emotional state of others.
Sociopathy however relies on intentional and malicious manipulation of the feelings of others. It requires a very good understanding of the emotional state of others and the means to manipulate them.
My best friend has mild AS. He has not been formally diagnosed as such, because there was no diagnosis for AS at the time.
Up until a year and a half ago, we had a three year intimate relationship. He would call if FBs, but it was exactly like a relationship, mutually exclusive, doing a lot of things together. I was in love with him.
We 'broke up' because I wanted more and he was not willing to give it to me. The 'more' I wanted was simply to acknowledge what we already had as us being 'together', since we always kept it quiet and I couldn't continue to live like that. He broke things off with me.
In the last few weeks of our 'relationship' it occurred to me that he was probably on the spectrum, but I didn't bring it up. I just started to do a lot of reading. It came out when he was talking to a friend whose brother is autistic. I was relieved.
We have maintained a friendship. He's been my best friend for four and a half of the five years I have known him. We took some time away (which he needed to come to grips with things). I met, and spent time with someone else, who I just didn't like as much.
In May he told me about how he just can't meet anyone he likes. That all the 'other women' just aren't right. How he doesn't want to date 'another woman'. But again said he is not in love with me and that he's sorry for that. That if dating and sex were all there was, then 'sign me up'. I just don't understand why he isn't in love with me. I know that sounds egotistical :P
Since around that time, we are back to having sleep overs and spending our weekends together, going to see friends, shopping, making appointments to see the chiro, watching movies, talking about everything. We had sex once, about two months ago. It was no big deal to me and I didn't want to rock the boat, so I didn't bring it up. After a few weeks he bought it up, saying that he knows I am moving on and that it was unfair of him. I'm not sure if he was gauging my response, because he never mentioned that HE was moving on, just that it was unfair because I am.
Why doesn't he see that most people would kill to be in a relationship with their best friend, who they also have great sex with after all these years. That we have a better 'relationship' than most of our friends!
I think that he has the idealised sense of love that you were talking about in your original post and I wish that he could see what everyone else sees.....How good we are together, how much fun we have, how we understand each other. To me these are the foundations of love.
We're both in our late thirties. I've been married and have a 6yo and he's had three relationships lasting 12, 6, and 3 months. Two of which were in his late teens and one in his mid late 20s.
I would like to get some advise about whether I should just give up or try to talk to him about it.
I don't want to lose my best friend, but I spent 6 months without him and I didn't die (although I thought I might). I could do it again, if I absolutely had to.....
Thank you.
Our final conversation a day or so before he went away was how we needed to talk about our differences: he being an Aspie, me an NT...
Then he got hooked up to the net in France a day or so later and we were talking for nearly an hour when the door went... an old friend of his... With my headset on, I went to make a cup of tea as he did whatever he needed to do with his friend before coming back to our conversation...
To my horror, he proceeded to seduce her sexually and I could here every rustle... I bore it, mouth open in shock for a minute or two like in some kind of nightmare... My knees turned to jelly and I felt sick...
Later on, he tried to turn this on me... to blame me and said he and his friend had always fancied each other and he really wanted sex and anyway we had never met... blah blah blah...
I really liked him, but I am not up for abuse and being taken for granted... I was prepared to learn whatever I needed to make it work until that afternoon... I might never get over it fully... The disappointment of dating guys who dump on you is cumulative... It would make me think twice about dating anothe aspie...
--To be continued...--
=Another Anonymous Blog-Reader
Fast forward to the recent past. I accidentally found my friend online. He initially seemed happy I'd found him and suggested meeting and catching up. I emailed him that I'd like to, but I wanted to be up-front about my situation. I'm legally still married but emotionally separated from my husband --and have been for some time now. I shared with my friend how thrilled I was to be able to reconnect, how sorry I was that I'd let myself be bullied, and how much I'd missed him. When he finally responded to this, it was to withdraw his offer of seeing me altogether! He's too busy, which although it may be true, can be such an easy excuse. I believe that if he wanted to see me, he'd be able to find a free 30-minutes slot sometime in these many months! So, I've been very sad and discouraged to feel that either he doesn't have the memories of our great friendship that I have, causing him to be completely apathetic to seeing me, or that he doesn't have any GOOD memories of our friendship, making him angry that I've made this attempt to reconnect with him. Years ago, I had to deal with my feelings of anger at him for not telling me about his love for me until it was too late to do anything about it! Even after all of these years, could it be that he has never dealt with and forgiven me for abandoning our friendship? And if that's the case, do you think that he ever could forgive me or does forgiveness come much harder for someone with Asperger's? Would he be apt to hold a grudge --while completely discounting any role that he played in the complicated situation? I would so greatly appreciate any insights that you and/or any wise man with Asperger's could give me, since the not-knowing and not-understanding is driving me a little bonkers! I've read and re-read my emails to him to try to see if I've said anything that would cause this absolute "about-face," but all I ever asked for --or even implied that I wanted from him-- was friendship and honesty.
Thanks in advance.
--Another Anonymous Blog-Reader
I made the mistake of arguing with him the other night. He needed me to listen and I didn't. Now he's disappointed in me (he insists he's not angry) and everything is so different now. It's like his joy is gone. What can I do to get it back? To make up for disappointing him? I feel like we'll never get past it.
I love him enough that I would leave him if that would make him happier, but I'm not convinced yet that that's the case. So what do I do?
I know that this blog is an older one, but it would be so wonderful if anyone with some wise words to share would happen upon our questions and help us with our "translation issues."
=Another Anonymous Blog-Reader
=Another Anonymous Blog-Reader
I know this is an older blog, but I do hope that some people are still reading this. What I noticed is that a lot of NT women are asking whether to hold on or not and if the Aspie partner doesn’t know yet whether to tell him/her or not.
I will try and give my opinion about this. To be honest I was in your situation about 6 months ago. I have been dating an Aspie for a few years with a LOT of struggle along the way, but I tried to be good towards him, because in a way I sometimes felt sorry for him and I loved him so much. I never experienced anything like that before, our whole worlds evolved around each other, there was nothing else.
I only found out he had Asperger after we broke up and told him that I was 99% sure that he had Asperger. His reaction was something I didn't expect. He was (and still is) really angry with me for telling him. He told me that I really hurt him by telling him. I told him I tried to help him, but he can't see it that way. That was the last of it, he doens't want to talk about it anymore.
Anyway, when it comes to maintaining a relationship, the Aspie in the relationship really has to want to try and make it work. The problem is that they can't be forced to do anything, because they will stress out and leave (just like that). I don't want to be rude, but the NT will always feel sort of lonely (because the Aspie needs his alone time) and I don't think an Aspie can truly give you a feeling of commitment, ever.
And I think as an NT woman (or man) in this kind of relationship you have to ask yourself whether it is truly worth it? I have to admit that he broke up with me several times, leaving me heartbroken to the point where I couldn't see myself happy ever again, but however it's been 6 months now and actually I am doing so much better than when I was with him. Up until now I have to admit I never loved like this, but he will never give me satisfaction or what I need out of a relationship. And I can tell you I tried everything I could to make it work. But at some point I think an Aspie sort of misses a deeper communication level to meet your needs and you'll always feel hungry for me.
Now if you can live with this, I'd say go for the relationship, but think deeply about it though, because it's not easy to feel lonely, being taken for granted or no feeling of commitment for the rest of your life!
I know Aspie's can mean well, but along the way, they really really hurt people around them (even though they can’t always help it). And sometimes it's better to feel pain and hurt for a shorter time to get over the relationship (because it is tough) instead of staying in this "sort of being together" as you'll never have a "proper" relationship. And if I may tell from experience, trust me, you can try and be understanding towards each other, but in the end it's the NT women who lowers her tolerance on how to be treated. I doesn't actually get too much better in my experience, you have to except them as they are now and decide if you can life with this. If not, it's best to go on with your live and find happiness with someone else, no matter how hard that sounds or is.
I'm sorry to be so cruel but I spoke with a few people that have been in relationships with Aspie men already and it's not a walk in the park and it never will be.
My intention with this post is not to be rude at all, but to be honest and I don't know Gavin if you are still on this blog, but I would love to hear your opinion about what I wrote if you don't mind.
In regards to feeling like your partner is committed... Well, all I have to say is that's a choice you make. YOU MAKE IT. Nobody makes that choice for you. Yes - you CAN choose to feel something. Anything.
Don't put roadblocks up. If you find yourself encountering one, tear it down. Work with your other half to do it. Be completely honest and vulnerable. Don't hold anything back. If your Aspie loves you as much as you love them, it will get worked out.
People choose what they are willing to battle in relationships. Before you commit to an Aspie, you should know beforehand if you're willing to have those battles.
Mine can't empathize. Sometimes he comes off as being rude and uncaring, but I know he loves me deeply. So I decide what, exactly, it is that was hurtful and I tell him. We talk about it and he determines to do his best not to do that again. He fails sometimes, but he is only human. Forgiveness plays a hugely important role in a relationship with an Aspie. Don't forget - you can hurt your Aspie as much as they can hurt you. It's a two way street - as with any relationship.
love -- :-)
really wonderful in life
Do you want it to sound real?
Personally, as an Aspie of 56 years, I doubt we can feel anything near approaching what ever "love" is.
It would be a handy thing to do but I fear I will never know it even though I have a young family and been married for 12 years.
I know it isnt fair but what can ai do apart from sinking further into depression?
What is love? Love is choosing to put someone else's needs and wants ahead of your own. Love is valuing someone else's life ahead of your own. It's saying, "I choose to treat you with respect, dignity, consideration, gentleness, kindness...." Love isn't a feeling - it's an action. Every second of every day I choose to love the people in my life, or not to love them. Loving someone is being good to them and finding ways to show them how important they are to you.
The warm and fuzzy emotions we feel when we're in love are not love. They're affection, and we can't control when we feel it and when we don't. I have ADHD. That means the neurons misfire. Feelings often are inappropriate - I can feel anger when what I should be feeling is gratitude, for example. Or I can feel impatience when I should be feeling affection. If love were a feeling then I'd be in and out of love with the same person multiple times a day!!!
You've been married for 12 years. To be married that long you're showing you feel a lot of things. Loyalty. She's important to you. Affection. Attraction. Dedication. Each of these speak of love. You love your wife. If you didn't then you could easily walk away and have no regrets doing it. You would have done it long ago, but you haven't.
I asked my boyfriend how he defined love. He said "soft elegance". I was thoroughly confused until he said that's what comes to mind when he looks at me. He rarely says it, but when he does I know he means it.
Don't romanticize love. Love isn't romantic - feelings are. And feelings are fleeting things. They don't stick around for long and you can never depend on them. Love is logical, sane choices. Dependable. Lasting. 1 Corinthians 13 describes it extremely well if you've an interest there.
He is a religious man and gets upset when I say things about it being an abstract theory. I understand some people need to cling on to imaginary ideas, but I cannot understand how. Its the same with love. I say I love you back as an automated response. (People expect to hear that back). I care about my husbands well being, and his safety and if something were to happen I would be very upset. He asks why I married him and I tell him the truth. We were dating and the next step after a certain amount of time was to get married since I do care about him. I am terrible with the love struck mushing stuff he wants to hear.
When we fight I am articulate about how something made me sad, or how I don't know how to trust what he says. I use facts and certain events to explain my problems. I tell him I want to know what to expect and he is angry and upset thinking I want to fight when I want to explain.
He is upset with me when I panic over what was a simple trip to the gas station that turned into a Walmart shopping event. That wasn't the plan and I feel tricked and betrayed and so many other things I don't know how to explain when that happens.
He doesn't understand that messing with my OCD tendencies causes panic and outrage. I have to relax alone for extreme periods of time, I cross stitch, the pattern is there, and there isn't any surprises, I can escape to my own place and not have to deal with the outside world. He often gets upset because he thinks I am ignoring him.
My IQ is extremely high and I use words he doesn't understand, but his analogies don't often make sense. He thinks he is funny and so do other people. I never understand the joke, and he doesn't like to tell me them because I will analyze and ask questions and explain how it doesn't make any logical sense. (By all accounts he is completely normal with the expected normal IQ). I often feel hurt when he says that he wishes I was dumb so I would laugh at his jokes, or could understand what he was saying. For a long time I believed it had to do with my being left handed (the brain functions differently than the right handed majority) but now I truly believe that isn't the case.
I cannot find anybody close to me who specializes in female adult Aspergers. I have had 2 specialist tell me that women can't have Aspergers. This is so frustrating and my marriage is in danger of dissolving unless something changes. I don't want him to be unhappy with me or angry that he married somebody who wasn't "normal".
How do I communicate my needs, or why I panic over things he thinks are menial? How can I help him understand how I work or perceive the world? How can I learn to become more normal without sacrificing myself? How can I help my marriage work?
1. From what you describe, I'd be willing to say you have Asperger's. You and my boyfriend are a lot alike. (He's an Aspie.) Keep looking for a psychiatrist who has experience with Asperger's/Autism and don't give up. You'll find one. Those specialists you found don't sound so special to me.
2. Buy books and read what you can to learn about Asperger's. Have your husband read them too. You both need to understand if your marriage is going to last.
3. Find a marriage counsellor who has knowledge (or, better yet - experience) with Asperger's and use them often.
4. "How do I communicate my needs, or why I panic over things he thinks are menial? How can I help him understand how I work or perceive the world?" He needs to be willing to hear it and understand. If he's not then you can talk until you're blue in the face and it won't do any good.
5. Forget being normal. Normal is boring and, once your husband learns to "get" you he won't want you to be normal, either. I love my Aspie boyfriend and rejoice in his un-normalness.
6. Quit degrading your husband for his Christian faith. I can't begin to explain how offensive that is! Christians don't have a blind faith, and often it comes after a lot of soul-searching and research. Christians are Christian because they have convictions. YOU may choose to deny your responsibility for your sins, but that's YOUR choice. My boyfriend (who is also in Mensa) is a very devout Christian. If you really want to make your marriage work, and if you really do care for your husband, then you absolutely and unequivocally must never ever ever criticize him for his faith. This is a deal-breaker and may be at the center of why he seems unwilling to "get" you.
I wish you the best of luck and will pray that you find the help you need.
I appreciate your response. I was able to take your advice and I simply asked my husband if he was willing to listen and if he felt we could talk rationally. Much to my surprise he listened while I explained as best I could what I was dealing with in my panicked moments and during a heated angry debate. I actually feel much better and think that we both found some relief. I also learned something that I have been unaware of. I am hoping that I could also clarify 1 point that you have brought to my attention.
I apparently will scramble my words when I am getting emotional, stressed, and angry which builds and gets worse. (I had no idea)
We were able to figure out that when he is telling me I am not making sense and in my mind I am making perfect sense and cannot see why he isn't understanding what my issue is, I am just overloading. We are working towards the solution so we can avoid further conflicts.
He is willing to learn more about this and how to help me as well. I am also attempting the research so that I can work towards helping myself.
As far as the religion aspect; that came about when he asked why I didn't believe in god, then became angry with my response. I have asked him how he knows god is there. (A failed attempt at an intellectual conversation). While I personally cannot understand it I do understand that religious debate is a touchy subject. I hope that makes I was able to correctly articulate that. (Apologies if I didn't). I merely used that as an example for how I process or am unable to process certain things.
Thank you again for the response, it was a huge relief to hear I am not crazy, or being a hypochondriac. I thank you for the direction I will begin trying to find the right Dr.
I am overjoyed that you and your husband have found my advice helpful. It breaks my heart to hear that someone's marriage is about to break up when there are so many things that can be done to salvage it. You made me smile today, and I very much needed it, so thank you!
I have never heard of someone scrambling their words before, but it makes perfect sense. Our thoughts are often twice as fast as our tongues so I can see how that can happen. (I call it getting my mords wixed.) This is so exciting! Now you know it's happening you can be on the lookout for it and stop it before it happens! OK. Toning down the ADHD exhuberance.....
Anyway, I wish you both luck and much happiness.
I've been seeing a guy with AS for the past 3 months. We connected immediately because we share the same interests and the sex between us is better than i could ever wish for. I feel like we are on the same page on so many levels... physically, spiritually, mentally... But something is missing.
Since we were already having intimate relations before really knowing each-other, and i wasn't looking for a relationship, we developed this friend-like relationship. We only kissed on the cheek for example. But he grew close. When we sit next to each other, he holds my hand or rests his hand on my leg. When we sleep together, he cuddles me tight. It's him who takes the initiative. But he won't really kiss me.
In his actions, it feels like he cares for me deeply, but when I try to get him to open up, he tells me he can't put a label on our relationship (neither can I) and he remains very vague. He told me he was sorry for me that I was feeling insecure and that I should be happy with being "in the moment" (he's kind of right, but that doesn't really help me).
A 'conventional' relationship could never work between us, and I want him to have his space and his freedom. I'm not really thinking about a big future together either. But i like this man A LOT! Sometimes we spend days on end together. One time he told me I was sweet. But he didn't tell me he liked me or loved me.
I know he has a negative view on relationships, he wants to enjoy all the good stuff and avoid meeting parents, having to go to boring family reunions, etc etc. I can agree with him to some extent. But if I spend days on end with him and he's being affectionate, what does that make us? Is it possible he stills sees it as friendship?
I'm in a place where i'm starting to feel that i'm really falling for him, but I could hold myself back if I had some clarity. Soon I will move to another country for 5 months and we won't see eachother. He already expressed that he wants to pick up where we left off when I get back.
What does he mean? What should I do?
Finally, finally, I put all the small signs together. I'm not sure whether he knows it himself. I will gently tell him. Whether, I can handle it, I don't know. Obviously, for those of us in a relationship with an Aspie, the question is, can he love me? I believe he can and does. I figure like this, does a man with two arms who agrees to climb up a tree and pick an apple for you loves you more, or the man who has one arm and would climb the tree to pick an apple for you? I'm grateful to everyone who wrote here and shared their experiences. I hope relating my experience will help someone else.
I have ADHD. My ex is an Aspie. We're in two different countries (Canada and the US). A little over a month ago he was getting a new phone because the one he had was old and he wasn't getting all my texts. I figured he'd text me in a week since it can take that long to get a phone mailed in to you. For reasons the only options for us to talk were text and email.
That week was really hard on me. I was used to talking to him every day, and I needed the contact. Well, that week went by and no contact at all - not even an email. The second week started and my brain started thinking about all the possibilities. Everything went through my mind. After a couple of days into the second week my emotions became chaotic and I could no longer control my thoughts. I emailed him at least a half a dozen times, but he didn't answer any of the emails.
Finally, I was mad and all I wanted was for him to talk to me. So I emailed him at work. I never did that before, even though he told me it would be okay, because I didn't think personal things should be brought into the workplace. But I felt I had no choice. I confess, I used a mild expletive in the email which I shouldn't have done. Hindsight... Later that night, I couldn't sleep and I decided to email his pastor.
The next day (it was a Monday) he finally responded to one of my emails. Apparently he was suspended from work without pay pending an investigation because I used a mild expletive in my email to him. And apparently he faced the possibility of losing his deaconship at his church because he didn't tell his pastor about me. So he broke up with me, saying he didn't see how we could continue our relationship.
He has since blocked me from contacting him. It's been a month. I want to try to contact him and get him to talk to me. He needs to see that I'm not the only one at fault and that, with some adjustment, we could continue our relationship. I don't hold out much hope, but there's a glimmer left. Probably because up until this, everything was fine. More than fine - we were really happy!
I don't know what I'm hoping for from this. Maybe advice or encouragement? Maybe my story can be used as a cautionary tale for others? I don't know. I know what I want, but I don't have much hope that I can get it. So maybe someone can learn from this and they won't lose their heart and soul like I did.
This blog is so helpful, especially feedback from you as an AS. It's unbelievable and eye-opening the similarities to my situation as I read through this blog. My boyfriend and I are 50, have been dating for 9 months, both previously married, and I so love him. I have.suspected that he has AS but to my knowledge he doesn't know or isn't telling me. I have adjusted how I talk with him and my expectations in general which seem to work, but I feel that I am working on how to make this relationship work by learning, reading and practicing ways to be w/ an AS all alone. I feel sometimes that I may be crazy and that he may not have AS, but so many instances say otherwise. I feel strongly the need to share this with him and talk through, but I'm afraid of bad consequences if he denies it, has never heard of it or just flips out and leaves. Recommendations for how to get him to discover this on his own w/o me saying, "hey, you must have AS, let's talk about it, get tested and maybe this will help us to figure things out.". It's hard to move forward with this "elephant in the room" cause I think counseling will help us both for sure. I want him to feel ok and know that together we can learn to adjust and strengthen our relationship, but........I don't want him to shut down or leave me if I raise it ...a risk that is painful to think of. Suggestions pls??
Shannon, he's making it clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Leave him alone.
December 22, 2016 at 9:32 AM
Wow, is that comment out of date! I haven't spoken to him in more than three months. I don't appreciate the inference in your comment - it's not at all helpful. And, considering the time that has passed I don't see how you could possibly have thought your comment could have been helpful.
Up until now, I haven't even thought about him in days. I think it's safe to say this is a non-issue now.
"And, considering the time that has passed I don't see how you could possibly have thought your comment could have been helpful."
*How* was I supposed to know that you'd already stopped pursuing him, instead of continuing to pursue him? After all, some other stalkers stop even earlier than you did *and* some other stalkers continue for years longer than you did.
Meanwhile, a lot of people are getting help from reading comments about other people's situations in this thread. Speaking up about how the behavior in your earlier comment is not OK could be helpful for a third person to read, and learn that not everyone approves of that behavior.
Shannon, first, it's great that you're not stalking him anymore! :D
"And, considering the time that has passed I don't see how you could possibly have thought your comment could have been helpful."
*How* was I supposed to know that you'd already stopped pursuing him, instead of continuing to pursue him? After all, some other stalkers stop even earlier than you did *and* some other stalkers continue for years longer than you did.
Meanwhile, a lot of people are getting help from reading comments about other people's situations in this thread. Speaking up about how the behavior in your earlier comment is not OK could be helpful for a third person to read, and learn that not everyone approves of that behavior."
I was never stalking him to begin with and I don't appreciate the inference that I was!
Common sense would lead one to assume that I had stopped fighting for our relationship, would it not? The vast majority of people do, you know.
What behaviour in my earlier comment was not OK? I'll tell you what's not okay. Taking advantage of someone who's opened themselves up when their in the worst pain they've been in since the death of their last living parent and twisting everything she said to suit your narrative. That's not OK.
My question, originally, had NOTHING to do with stalking, and to suggest it did is absolutely disgusting!! I was hurting and I was looking for a way to make things right with my ex. It's called fighting for the survival of a relationship. This is normal and something everyone does. You made a lot of false assumptions and called them truth, and that's just ignorant. And not only do you do this from the safety of your keyboard, but you do it without even showing your name.
Now please kindly STOP commenting to me. I'm TRYING to leave this part of my life behind and you're not helping.
Oh yes you were. The behavior of yours that you described in that comment was terrible. *Someone* had to say so in this forum where people are taking each other's behavior as examples of what to do. Even now, after you stopped that behavior, you're still defending it. Why not admit that you did the wrong thing then, given that you admit you have switched to doing the right thing?
"Common sense would lead one to assume that I had stopped fighting for our relationship, would it not? The vast majority of people do, you know."
The vast majority of people *also* don't get their exes in trouble at work and at church. Common sense would lead one to assume that you were *not* doing the same thing as the vast majority of people when it comes to breaking up with a boyfriend.
"What behaviour in my earlier comment was not OK? "
You said "Apparently he was suspended from work without pay pending an investigation because I used a mild expletive in my email to him."
Getting him in trouble at work was not OK.
You said "I decided to email his pastor." and you said "he faced the possibility of losing his deaconship at his church because he didn't tell his pastor about me."
Getting him in trouble at church was also not OK.
You said "He has since blocked me from contacting him. It's been a month. I want to try to contact him and get him to talk to me. He needs to see that I'm not the only one at fault"
Pursuing someone after he or she blocks one from contact is not OK. It's stalking. This is what your question had to do with stalking.
"You made a lot of false assumptions and called them truth, and that's just ignorant."
If you wanted someone else to know more about what you did than what you had written, you should have *written more*. It wasn't a "false assumption" of me to simply read what you wrote and posted, instead of reading what you wrote and posted and also somehow using magical psychic powers to figure out what you also meant.
"I was hurting and I was looking for a way to make things right with my ex. It's called fighting for the survival of a relationship. This is normal and something everyone does. "
Fighting against your ex, in the name of keeping your ex, the way you described is something everyone in cliché romantic comedy movies does. It's not something everyone in real life does.
"And not only do you do this from the safety of your keyboard, but you do it without even showing your name."
Yeah, it's harder for you to find out where I work and worship, isn't it? ;)