Following directly on from part one, this entry will try to look at meltdowns in adults.
How long do meltdowns usually last?
Most meltdowns in children last between five and 15 minutes though I have heard of some lasting 45. The lower end of this range is probably due to the amount of energy that an Aspie expends on the meltdown itself. Older and stronger children would obviously be able to continue their meltdown behavior for a longer period than younger ones.
How then, do meltdowns manifest themselves in adults who obviously are much stronger than children.
This one is quite difficult for me to answer because any sense of time disappears during a meltdown. I believe however that I have not gone over the 45 minute mark. I am not sure whether meltdowns are sustainable over a longer period.
The violent adult meltdown
Although there is some suggestion that the violent adult meltdown could lead to mass murderous tendencies (Port Arthur Massacre - Australia 1996), there is much to suggest that this incident can not be blamed solely on the Asperger's condition. In particular, Martin Bryant's Aspergers diagnosis was disputed by a forensic psychiatrist working with his defense team and there were obviously other mental factors at work, including a sub-normal IQ (estimated at 66). Low IQ's are not associated with the Aspergers condition.
Turning a normal meltdown violent
There have been very few occasions where I personally have had a violent meltdown and although furniture or walls would generally be the main victims, there have been times when I've struck people.
What makes an adult aspie in meltdown lash out at people?
I think it should be fairly obvious from this list that if other adults behave irresponsibly around an aspie in meltdown, they can escalate the problem.
What can/should the Aspie in Meltdown do?
Leave the vicinity of any non-tolerant adults. Preferably retiring to a lockable (by the aspie) isolated room. If the aspie is engaged in an activity which brings on a meltdown (ie: malfunctioning computer). They should leave the activity for that day and resume fresh on the following day instead.
How long do meltdowns usually last?
Most meltdowns in children last between five and 15 minutes though I have heard of some lasting 45. The lower end of this range is probably due to the amount of energy that an Aspie expends on the meltdown itself. Older and stronger children would obviously be able to continue their meltdown behavior for a longer period than younger ones.
How then, do meltdowns manifest themselves in adults who obviously are much stronger than children.
This one is quite difficult for me to answer because any sense of time disappears during a meltdown. I believe however that I have not gone over the 45 minute mark. I am not sure whether meltdowns are sustainable over a longer period.
The violent adult meltdown
Although there is some suggestion that the violent adult meltdown could lead to mass murderous tendencies (Port Arthur Massacre - Australia 1996), there is much to suggest that this incident can not be blamed solely on the Asperger's condition. In particular, Martin Bryant's Aspergers diagnosis was disputed by a forensic psychiatrist working with his defense team and there were obviously other mental factors at work, including a sub-normal IQ (estimated at 66). Low IQ's are not associated with the Aspergers condition.
Turning a normal meltdown violent
There have been very few occasions where I personally have had a violent meltdown and although furniture or walls would generally be the main victims, there have been times when I've struck people.
What makes an adult aspie in meltdown lash out at people?
- Other adults being physical first
- Other adults throwing objects first
- Adults hurling abuse at the aspie in meltdown
- Adults taunting or laughing at an aspie in meltdown
- Adults refusing to leave the personal space of an aspie in meltdown
I think it should be fairly obvious from this list that if other adults behave irresponsibly around an aspie in meltdown, they can escalate the problem.
What can/should the Aspie in Meltdown do?
Leave the vicinity of any non-tolerant adults. Preferably retiring to a lockable (by the aspie) isolated room. If the aspie is engaged in an activity which brings on a meltdown (ie: malfunctioning computer). They should leave the activity for that day and resume fresh on the following day instead.
Comments
I'm running a Norwegian site about Autism and Aspergers (http://autismesiden.no) and I wonder if we can get permission to translate your two posts about The Aspie Meltdown into Norwegian to use as articles on our site. There is very little information about meltdowns available in Norwegian. You will of cause be credited. Send me an email at webmaster (at) autismesiden.no if you're interested. Thanks.
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My first long-term adult girlfriend was very special. After about one year together, I developed a verbal conflict-related meltdown cry for help that I would say "I need forgiveness". The manifestation of this: close contact and petting would relax and disarm me. This partner ultimately left the relationship a couple years later as neither of us understood the underlying cause of the problems.
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Many years later, I eventually got a new girlfriend. This second relationship was much longer lasting. Sadly for both involved, failure of this second relationship is what lead to Aspie realization.
The second partner never trusted me on this need to respond immediately to the "forgiveness request". The first time I had a major meltdown with this second partner, the next day I tried to explain how things had gone in my first long-term relationship. Alas, this second person considered forgiveness as "rewarding bad behavior". This person was unable to change their stance, despite the relationship continuing. Throughout this very long relationship, many intellectual attempts to explain the need were interpreted as one-sided attempts to threaten demands on the person. I expect it also didn't help the ego of the second partner to be compared negatively with a first partner from many years earlier.
I never really was able to cope in the second relationship with the general inability to resolve or understand this need. At times, I would avoid the person in a preemptive way, and to isolate from social situations structually with career changes and lifestyle changes. This only added to the long-term relationship issues.
No real solution was ever found or developed in this second relationship.
Looking back, I admit I was closed minded in this second relationship. I did not grow in my understanding. Part of it was intellectual idealism. Not to abandon a committed partner in times of conflict. Marriage vows come to mind.
Part of it was short term forgiveness need: that realization that the meltdown had started and already the other person was hurt. I could never get this person to understand the concept that it wasn't intentional. Despite having a very long lasting monogamous relationship, trust was lacking.
The physical and emotional stress of this second relationship has been bad on both parties in the relationship. More spiritually, I have always forgiven the other person and taken the majority of the blame. However, over many years, resentment and a sense of hopelessness would build about not having that trust. Hhaving few to any close friends as an Aspie, I keep all eggs in that one unhealthy relationship basket. It made for an abusive situation, much of it self-abuse by staying in the relationship until the bitter end when the partner left in a rather hostile and draw-out way.
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Nearly two decades letter, I was fortunate enough to reconnect with the first girlfriend. That person played a pivotal role in my Aspie realization and discoveries.
I wrote this post as I wanted to point out that for at least one person in a period of undiagnosed/unrealized state: intense close and "light intimate contact" (petting, hugging, reassurance) was a response request to the "meltdown is imminent" internal sensation.
Taken to an extreme, I guess generally NT's call this contact "make up sex". More literally for me, "make up hugging and petting." I never asked for nor had any sexual desires during the conflict, it wasn't about that. It was more the clearly obvious realization that all was forgiven and understood that the first relationship had offered.
Needless to say, your blog posting is very appreciated. I hope that at least someone else sees themselves in my story and can learn from my previously unrealized mistakes. Ideally, before it is too late.
thank you.
Part 1 about kids and posessiveness of food - last year I had a meltdown triggered by one of my grandkids asking for food off my plate. I and everyone else were WTF!?!?!?!? Was THAT? when it cooled off.
That taunting bit led to a story I'm not gonna tell here.
The more I see there is to learn about Asperger's, the more I see there is to learn.
You have no idea quite how much I identify with what your saying here. The grey band, the feeling of helplessness, the loss of the realization of time; all of those happen to me.
Yes I feel remorse, and also great sadness at times from fatally damaging close relationships or friendships with people I really liked following one of my meltdowns.
Before recently being diagnosed with ASD, I never understood what was happening to me when I had my meltdowns from various and sometimes seemingly insignificant situations. The trouble is that it was always some time after the event when I calmed down and thought things through that I had any sort of realisation of what had happened and it was only then that I became remorseful and apologetic to the people I had blown up at, but I also became withdrawn and depressed as a result of my remorse and lack of self control. The major issue with all of this is that I have, and continue to alienate people without knowing I am doing it at the time, they too cannot tolerate my mood swings. It is at the point where I now have no outside friends and, my work colleagues and family will give me a wide berth for a quite a while after I have blown my top.
My latest meltdown and depressive state was not long ago on my birthday (which I was not looking forward to). My poor long-suffering wife had gone all-out to get me something special for my birthday to cheer me up. However, due to already being in a depressive state from a recent 'episode', I bluntly said that I did not want the gift after seeing it. Needless to say she was most upset and taken aback from my reaction. She immediately took the gift back from me (to avoid/prevent any further grief), and returned it the next day for a refund. Things got really quiet after that with nothing further said. It was only during this quiet that I realised (too late yet again) what I had done and I cursed myself relentlessly for being so callous and ungrateful for the gift and the effort she put into it.
I tried to talk to her and apologise for what I had done and about how I was feeling, but it only seemed to create more friction between us. I already felt like such an uncaring and worthless person, but I now felt far worse (I really hated myself by now) and withdrew even further from every thing and everyone.
It has been just over 2 weeks now since my birthday fiasco and we are only just starting to talk again. But even now my wife is very wary about talking to me, or even touching me for that matter, as she says that I am still 'not on the planet' and she does not want to set me off again. I'm really not sure how she copes with me at times, and I often wonder how much longer our marriage and friendship will last before I foul that up too. I really thought I had a handle on things, but as I get older I find that I seem to be going backwards despite seeking help.
The way I see things now, is that if I cannot get back control of myself soon, I am going to lose the most precious things in my life (my wife and daughters) and wind up being nothing but a lonely, miserable old man.
Having ASD is a curse, and I would not wish it upon anyone.
In fact, reading this blog, (thank-you for it), helped me very much identify the outburst as a meltdown. We haven't yet discussed it and I am not sure how to approach the subject.