Can Aspies Make Good Parents? - Part 2

Note: I've changed the post titles in this series from a statement to a question because I think it will promote more discussion. 

Continuing from the last post debunking some of the myths of bad parenting due to Aspergers. 

The Anti-Social Parent 

Since the majority of diagnosed aspies tend to be male, this is generally less of an issue because men in general are usually less social than women and because men are less often expected to attend social functions for schools etc. 

 Furthermore, I personally feel less than qualified to address this question because although I'm often quiet and reserved (and very uncomfortable at social gatherings), my social issues tend to affect me less than many of my fellow aspies. 

 As such, my comments here relate to "strained" attendance at functions, rather than the non-attendance which often applies. Children's schools, sports and other activities have a way of gathering parents together in various social ways. 

 When children reach older age groups, the issues are minimal because they don't need their parents present but in the younger years, it creates some difficult situations. For example; I sent my son to soccer for a season. It was difficult for him and just as difficult for me. I didn't fit in with the soccer mums and dads crowd, I couldn't relax and I hated the social aspect. 

 Luckily, in my teen years, I'd played a role playing game (by myself on the computer - for two years). The game was called Ultima V and essentially you had to "talk" to everyone in the game (about 500 characters) in order to complete it.

 

Conversations in the game were done as mostly one word questions; name, job etc. As you'd "talk", a word would highlight eg; "I am the court Jester.", to which you'd reply "jester" and the conversation would continue. With the soccer parents, I felt like I was playing the game. 

I'd ask the few main questions and then I'd listen to their answer to find the highlighted word and repeat it back to them. This, I discovered was the bare essence of smalltalk - and I hated it. 

Smalltalk in this manner works surprisingly well in the short term but it isn't sustainable from one week to the next. People grow tired of the same questions each week and eventually the highlighted words run out. 

More and more, I'd notice that the parents would huddle together and talk without me. Sometimes I'd hover nearby but never with any real chance of participation. I'd find myself being the only parent who was actually watching the soccer training but this wasn't by choice (I hated soccer), it was because I was excluded from all other activities. 

Eventually it became easier to assist in the training than to simply watch. 

 The sad thing though was that the cliquey group was making plans for parties and get-togethers while I was otherwise occupied. This meant that their kids all got to play together off the field but that mine missed out. 

My child was disadvantaged because of my poor social skills. 

Eventually we quit soccer for scouts and once again, I've become quite involved (a leader) rather than risk major exposure to the parents. Scouts is very different to soccer however because the parents don't usually stay for the activities. In fact, often parents don't even attend the group activities such as camps. As a scout leader, I'm involved in organising such outings and I can make sure that my son is included. There seems to be no discrimination - so far. 

I guess the point I'm making here is that it's quite likely that the children of parents with aspergers may indeed suffer for their parent's social inabilities but that the degree of impact changes depending upon the types of activities and the age of the children. 

The Emotional Child 

People with aspergers are often criticized for "not having emotions". I think that is has been pretty well established here on this blog - and in recent research, that this is not the case. People with aspergers most certainly do experience emotions but may display them differently. 

Aspie empathy doesn't necessarily feel like empathy to a neurotypical. I guess that the question we're really asking here is whether or not parents with aspergers are harming their child's emotional development, or perhaps introducing depression because they're not proving an empathetic environment. 

These are difficult questions and since both of my children have aspergers, I can't answer with any honesty on the subject of neruotypicial children. I can however say that my children express emotion, support and sympathy, if not necessarily empathy, in the normal way with their peers. In fact, I'd venture to say that my children are more empathetic than most because they know that there's a gap there that they need to address. 

I go to a lot of trouble to ask them how they would feel if they were in a given situation (usually while watching a movie). In many ways, I believe that I've exposed them to a wider range of emotive reactions than many children from more sheltered/censored backgrounds would otherwise see. I don't believe that their emotional development has been hindered in any way - if anything, their ability to understand different points of view should be above the norm. 

The question of whether or not my children suffer because I'm less sensitive to their needs is a more difficult one for me. I know that sometimes when they get hurt, I'm not always as good a father as I should be. Sometimes, the cut seems small and I'm concentrating more on making them silent than on giving them any emotional support they might need. 

My clinical descriptions of why we're cleaning the wound, to prevent it from becoming infected, often receives panicked looks from them. I'll usually realize at this time that I'm probably giving more information than necessary. I'm not the sort of parent that chases my children around for hugs but I do respond when they hug me and I feel that genuine hugs are much better than routine ones. 

A hug because a child wants or needs one carries a lot more feeling than a hug that you're receiving simply because it's bedtime. 

 I don't feel that my children are suffering but I'm always watching for clues. 

All parts to this Series: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 2.5 | Part 3