Skip to main content

FTF: Post 4 "All Showers Lead to Australia" by Hartley Steiner


First things first was a series of articles collated by Hartley Steiner. Since her site no longer exists, I can't link to the original article or any other articles in the series. I'm keeping this page active because unlike most of my pages relating to this series, this has other information on it. 

Since the entire "First things First" series is Hartley's brainchild, I was really looking forward to reading her entry. It didn't disappoint - and it was called "All Showers Lead to Australia".

Hartley Steiner is the author of; This is Gabriel Making Sense of School, A Book About Sensory Processing Disorder. Hartley's eldest son Gabriel struggles with Sensory Processing Disorder, High Functioning Autism, Bipolar and Learning Disabilities. She is a sensational writer-mom and used to blog at "Hartley's life with three Boys".


My thoughts on her post

This article touched a raw nerve for me. It's not that I don't take care of my own needs - I do. Sort of. Every day is mostly the same for me. I get up, shower, go to work (before the kids are awake). I work long hours and don't have a huge amount of social contact at work (I actually like it that way). I come home late and have a short while to eat dinner and be bombarded with the kids babble before they go to bed. Then I talk to my wife and watch a DVD.

There are variations, weekends particularly, and scout nights but generally my life is the same every day. To a certain extent, I'm stuck in a rut. Right now, taking care of my own needs tends to mean that I read books on the bus or that I go shopping and buy DVDs to cheer myself up. I used to say to my wife that I only buy DVDs when I'm feeling depressed. The fact that I have 2,328 says a lot about my feelings.

My wife is in a similar, dare I say worse(?) rut. Her days involve much more child support because she somehow has to get them ready for school in the mornings - and help them with their homework in the afternoons. She also doesn't have the luxury(?) of going to work where she can hold adult conversations.

It's funny but like Hartley's husband, I'll occasionally throw a lifeline out to my wife. I'll offer her the chance to go out without the kids or suggest that we do something different. I'm always surprised that it's rarely taken up. It looks like something she'd want to do. It's tempting, but somehow her responsibility to the family always ends up being put first.

The thing is; my kids have set weekday routines and set weekend routines (they both have tutoring on the weekend too). We're stuck in such a rut just caring for our kids that we've neglected ourselves.

I'm not saying that I'd like to go on holidays - though, of course it would be great. It's much simpler than that. I've got friends who I never see anymore because I'm too caught up in the here and now with my family to think about anything else. I'd love to just go out and have dinner with them more than twice a year.

Then there's the health issues. Last year was a difficult one for us. Both my wife and I had big issues. In my case, I was hospitalized with a heart issue. A lot of the problems stem from us not taking care of ourselves. We're just too busy.

Hartley's suggestions are great ones. Start with the little things, like showers and work upwards from there. Reclaim your life. You can have life and family too.
Labels:

Comments

outoutout said…
Is it wrong that my first thought was, "You can't just spend 'a few days' in Australia! You need at least two weeks. Especially if you're coming from America. Yes, take 2 weeks. And see more besides Sydney! Ye gods, there's more to Oz than the friggin' Opera House and Harbour Bridge!" LOL. Total neurotypical fail, I know. :)

It's really hard, when you're the parent of a differently-abled child and some days just making it from sunrise to sunset is a huge success, to allow yourself any other identity. It feels like betrayal. I went through the same thing last year when my parents insisted on paying for my partner & I to go away to Singapore for a few days. I had to get into the mindset that it was OK to be something other than someone's full-time carer.

I know things will be better - less hectic, anyway - when they're older, but you're right, a lot of problems right now stem from not taking care of ourselves properly. A lot of that comes from not having enough support, period, from being worn out... sorry, going off on a tangent there. I'll just end by saying I agree. :)
May 2, 2010 at 4:49 PM
Miguel Palacio said…
The better u take care of yourself, the more there is of yourself to give.
January 3, 2015 at 2:42 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What is Stimming and what does it feel like?

According to wikipedia , stimming is; "a jargon term for a particular form of stereotypy, a repetitive body movement (often done unconsciously) that self-stimulates one or more senses in a regulated manner. It is shorthand for self-stimulation, and a stereotypy is referred to as stimming under the hypothesis that it has a function related to sensory input." The wikipedia article then goes on to propose some theories about the function of stimming and how it is designed to provide nervous system arousal. The theory being that it helps autistic people "normalize". I'm not sure how much I believe that theory - I helps us relax and it feels good... but normalize?? Not sure. The most commonly cited form of stimming is body rocking. Such is the prevalence of this form of stimming in Hollywood films concerning autism that you could be forgiven for thinking that autistic people stim by rocking most of the time. How far does stimming go? Stimming is much more than just...
204 comments
Read more

Why do Aspies Suddenly Back Off in Relationships (Part 2)

In part one, we looked at the role that Change Resistance plays in causing aspies to suddenly go "cold" in otherwise good relationships. This time, I want to look at self esteem and depression; Self Esteem The aspie relationship with themselves is tedious at best. People with Asperger's commonly suffer from low self esteem. As discussed in earlier posts, this low self esteem often results from years of emotional turmoil resulting from their poor social skills. Aspies are often their own worst enemy. They can over analyze situations and responses in an effort to capture lost nonverbal communication. This often causes them to invent problems and to imagine replies. Everything made up by aspies will tend to be tainted with their own self image. This is one of reasons that people with Asperger's will sometimes decide that they are not good enough for their partner and that they must let them go. Sometimes, the aspie will develop a notion of chivalry or self-sacrific...
134 comments
Read more

Are Aspies Capable of Love?

Although the answer to this question may seem simple, it recurs with alarming regularity on aspie forums everywhere. Often, it is confused with the aspie's ability to find a partner or the famous aspie empathy problems - these are different things altogether which I'll hopefully discuss in follow-up posts. Emotional Behavior in Aspies Aspies are very capable of loving but they often confuse the issue by adopting an altogether too rigid view of love. Despite popular mis-belief, aspies are generally fairly emotional beings. We have intense feelings of happiness and even more intense feelings of sadness. The smallest triggers can produce huge emotional responses in us. While a bad day at work may make an NT grumpy, it could make an aspie feel suicidal. Similarly, when something good happens an aspie may seem to be over-reacting or overly happy. Most aspie adults have long since learned to control excessive displays of happiness but it's very apparent in aspie children...
386 comments
Read more