As discussed a few posts back, I've been doing a lot of cub scout leader training recently. It's been very interesting because it has taught me a lot about myself. In this post I want to discuss a recent experiment with eye contact.
Overcoming the Eye Contact Behavioural Issues
I don't have a particular problem with eye contact compared to my aspie peers. This is because most people assume that I am giving good eye contact and don't hassle me about it. In truth, although I don't give good eye contact, I give great "lip contact", though probably not the kind you're thinking of.
Being deaf has taught me to stare at people's lips when they talk as an aid to lip-reading. Since most people simply assume that I'm looking at their eyes when they're talking I haven't been subject to the constant corrections that other aspies have to suffer.
Of course, it has its downsides too. Every now and then, someone will realise that I'm not looking directly into their eyes but am looking a little bit lower. Females particularly tend to become unnerved by this and will slap a hand to the top of their clothing (as if they're worried that I'm talking to their breasts).
When that happens, It's embarrassing for me and for them. Even worse, their sudden hand movements distract me so that I do end up looking there. If they could just wear sensible clothing we could concentrate on the exchange of information rather than "wardrobe malfunctions". At work, I'm always wearing a tie, so it isn't an issue for me (not that I have anything to look at anyway).
The "Test" from the Inside
Being a part-physical and part academic course, scout leadership includes a lot of bonding, team-building and psychological exercises. I groaned inwardly when we were told to select a partner for an eye-contact exercise. We had the option to refuse but I'm always keen to experiment and learn new things about myself. This seemed to be a good opportunity.
I can't remember the last time I deliberately tried to look someone in the eye but I suspect that it was when I was a child.
We stood opposite our partners and when told to start began starring into each other's eyes. I immediately felt nauseated. It was like a howling wind was screaming in my mind and I felt like I was being peeled away layer by layer. I ended up having to look away several times and although I felt calmer when I did, I still felt extremely uncomfortable knowing that those eyes were waiting for me to look back.
Finally, after what seemed an eternity, our leader told us to stop. I broke contact immediately and was surprised to find her standing right next to me.
The "Test" from the Outside
Our leadder talked generally about how our body language changed during the experiment and she mentioned mine in particular. She said that she'd sensed something was wrong with me and had moved over to me because she was worried that I might collapse. She said that I had jolted backwards and was doing things with my hands. Fisting and spreading my fingers, obviously a stim which I'd subconsciously started.
I told her that I had aspergers (I hadn't written it on the forms, so nobody knew) and I was surprised to find that I had trouble getting the words out. I was a bit out of breath. I think I'd been supressing my breathing during the experiment. Worse though, my heart was still racing and I was shaking like a leaf. It didn't seem to be getting any better.
Fortunately, our leader announced lunch immediately and I think I almost bowled people over in my haste to get out of the room. I ran down to the lunch room, quickly grabbed a plate and sat at an empty table as far away from the occupied tables as I could. It took my colleagues quite a while to fill up the tables around me and I was just beginning to stop shaking when the seats around me started to fill. There were a few people around me who obviously wanted to talk but somehow, I'm not quite sure how, I must have been giving off strange vibes because they stayed fairly silent for a few minutes longer.
Eventually I calmed down enough to be able to speak.
Things to take note of
It was an interesting test but it's not one that I'm inclined to repeat. I wasn't expecting the intensity of my own reaction and I wasn't expecting that full-fledged eye contact would be so painful. That's what happens when you go about your daily business for years not having to do it.
I'm one of the most well adjusted aspies around (IMHO). I like to think that Aspergers doesn't impact me as much as my colleagues. It's probably true but it's still scary to think that eye contact can so quickly reduce me from a competent business person to a gibbering wreak.
The most important point that I want to make here is... before you start encouraging (or forcing) your child to make eye contact, spare a thought for what it might be doing to them. Try asking them to look at mouths or chins instead.
Comments
Of course, where I often land myself in trouble is when someone gives me instructions. In such situations, I stare at the ground because this is the way I concentrate. Needless to say, it's not uncommon for the other person to think I'm ignoring them, daydreaming or both.
I loathe the point in which the other person says, "Would you look at me? I'm trying to tell you something important."
As I've aged, I've grown more comfortable explaining to folks that they have two choices: 1) If they insist I look in their general direction, my overall uncomfortableness will mean that I will only process 50% or less of what they are saying to me or 2) If they want me to understand what they are saying, they will have to accept the fact that I'm going to stare at the ground.
Also, I avoid eating around other people like the plague. I will go eat in a closet, if it comes to that!
Jaimie just doesn't hear us when we do that and Xander...well...you can never get him to look you in the eye. Jaimie just can't look and listen at the same time.
I'm going to make notes of your post and try getting her to look at chins or noses.
(I've ALWAYS had trouble with eye contact. I look between the eyebrows. ;) )
Thanks, Gavin.
Chynna
www.lilywolfwords.ca
www.the-gift-blog.com
eye contact just doesn't rate.
I was having a rant about it just the other day...
http://differentbrainspace.blogspot.com/2010/04/culture-of-eye-contact.html
I think the eye contact issue is one of the biggest issues for people on the spectrum insofar as there is still a big part of the 'treatment sector' that believes forced eye contact is a necessary part of social integration. Just another example of where the deficit has nothing to do with autism and everything to do with a neurocentric culture.
Caitlin
www.welcome-to-normal.com
I hate the idea of autistic kids being made to do things like make eye contact, as though they're just being perverse. There are very good internal reasons that we avoid it--just as there are very good internal reasons that we stim. Take away those harmless behaviors and we're a mess. Kind of like trying to get a left handed person to be right handed, except worse by several hundred orders of magnitude.
Don't really know why, other than direct eye contact feels uncomfortable.
Regarding "wardrobe malfunctions": Women react that way because, despite social progress, we're still frequently objectified. Often, it doesn't require any kind of exposure for this to occur, either. I don't insist on eye contact (obviously), but I do strongly prefer guys look at my face when they're talking to me. Rough estimate: 40% of the random guys I talk to don't.
That being said, there's a considerable difference in trajectory between reading lips and staring at a woman's chest. If you don't assume eye contact should be made, then the difference is noticeable. Perhaps if you assume eye contact should be made, then the difference is less noticeable.
When I asked her something about herself she was fully engaged in the conversation and gave eye contact and became animated. I feel better now.
Don't blame them and their clothing choices (which I bet *are* sensible, especially in hot weather!). How would you like it if someone else had problems talking to you and blamed those problems on your sensible choice of clothes?
Exactly! You shouldn't be accused of ableism and anti-Asperger's behavior for buying and wearing the most sensible clothes that are available to you (not even if there aren't any available in your size that have high buttons and so you're wearing clothes that show a bit of chest!!) .
Also, if someone demands that you look them in the eyes, you can try pointing out to them that you hear with your ears, not your eyes. Not guaranteed to impress them, but it can sometimes stop them in mid-tirade. Results for that not guaranteed.
Now I have finally broken that threshold and I find eyes to be utterly interesting. A window into people's souls. Unless overwhelmed for one reason or another, I tend to carefully observe people's eyes, perhaps even dwell in them. hahahaha Now I find that my gaze can be unnerving to some, yet very interesting to others.
I've always been a people-watcher and I notice that most strangers feel very uncomfortable if you look them in the eyes if they feel that there is no reason for association with them. Even when you catch them looking at you when they think you don't know they are looking, they quickly avert their eyes. I find this to be the case more in some cultures than in others.
For example, in my native country of Panama, people will meet your eyes and nod or wave even from very far away. On the other hand, in the United States, to the most part, people tend not to acknowledge you until you are practically in their face. It's as though there were a larger protective bubble. And strangers in my country of origin tend to greet you and acknowledge you even from very far away. It's like you've made a connection, and then the familial nod that follows. Sometimes if its someone you know they'll wave or you wave and the other person waves back. From these observations it seems to me that Panamanians are generally more effusive, connecting and outgoing than people from the USA. As such, I also feel more at ease and get a better vibe from people from my country of origin.
But, in my analysis, I feel that this may be what NTs might feel when approaching an Aspie. An NT may perceive this as a negative vibe.
And now even I must admit that initially I may perceive it as such, until the rest if their actions give them away as a fellow Aspie then I no longer feel there is anything to worry about, because then I also feel like I'm at home and speak that language and can for attunement in ways that don't require stuff like eye-contact.
As of about two years ago I can deliver speeches at public events, without a meltdown or shutdown. But I equate it to being like an astronaut doing a space-walk out of their capsule. It's an acquired skill, but eventually one needs to go back into the sustaining support of one's spacecraft.
Cheers