This follows on from Part 1: Talking.
Last time, I talked about the need to talk in our relationships and specifically, to ask your partner what they need. In my case, I got the rather vague answer of "I want to be appreciated more".
That answer really confused me. If she'd said, "I want to go out to dinner more" or "I want more flowers" then it would have been a specific and measurable thing but she didn't. Instead she used a vague and undefined term - and the only thing I got was that I must have done some of it but it wasn't enough. I had to do more.
I guess to really appreciate my point of view, suppose I'd been asked the question and replied that I wanted a bit more lavacultophilia (not that I actually do). My wife would be in a similar quandry (except that lavacultophilia is a real word which actually means a desire to stare at someone in a bathing suit). I got this randomly out of the Grandiloquent Dictionary. In my case, looking up appreciation doesn't necessarily give me anything I can use.
So, getting back to the point. I was left with a mental journey I needed to go on to determine what appreciation was and how to give more of it;
As far as I can tell, there are an unlimited number of parts to appreciation but here are some of the majors;
- Flowers
- Saying "Thank You"
- Saying "I really appreciate.... " with a specific target in mind (eg: ironing, food etc)
- Spontaneously helping out
- Praising HER to the kids (ie: "Isn't your mother clever")
- Listening and Showing Empathy
- Spontaneous Gifts
It's possible that it could also mean less of the following;
- Criticism
- Sarcasm
- Being dismissive of opinions
I'm trying very hard to be more appreciative and some of these things are working. I'll talk about flowers in my next post. The praise isn't working so well with most of my efforts being brushed off - so obviously I'm doing it all wrong.
Spontaneous help is working a little and listening/empathy is hardly working at all. I'll be working on those and will hopefully have a positive post later.
Comments
I kid, I kid. He actually does a lot of these things already. I'm a lucky girl.
Bobbi Sheahan
I have a friend who suspects her husband of having Asperger's Syndrome. She mentioned how frustrated she is with her husband. They have been married for 23 years and she frequently threatened her husband that she'd leave him if he did not work with her. It took years of work between them to make their marriage work, but she still longed to feel wanted. He has never taken her out on a romantic date, gave her flowers, or any other expected relationship rituals. It may sound trivial, but it is important to the woman.
Let me elaborate. There are mental, physical, and emotional needs. Examples of meeting mental needs are intellectual discussions, reading, picking up on a special interest, and attending museums. As for physical needs - fresh air, adequate nutritious foods, and exercising. Emotional needs involve hugging, feeling valued, knowing that someone is supporting/being there for them, and having a sense of belonging.
Aspergians often think emotional needs are unimportant. This is very dangerous as it can be a factor to damaging a relationship. Think of this way. If you don't give the woman a flower on her anniversary. It interprets to the woman that you don't care about her and that she is not being valued by her. This leaves her feeling inadequate and unworthy. Giving her flowers boosts her emotionally as she would feel cared for and valued.
Just to elaborate on this post. My commentary went longer than expected. Oops!
People have different ways of connecting to others. Some people need words to feel appreciated and love. Some people need actions to show that they are appreciated and loved. Some people need gifts to show that they are appreciated and loved, but many times, people need a bit of a combination of all three.
I have no problem telling my family that I love them and cooking a meal for them to show them that I care and love them... sometimes I make their favorite meals and deserts as a gift to them, as well. I sometimes leave notes to give them written words and tokens that I love them. Things like: "I love you very much and thank you so much for taking out the garbage. I really do appreciate it and it helped me out a lot this afternoon. Thank you and lots of love to you."
My son does these things too, though not as much. He will give hugs and tell me he loves me and give me gifts of drawings or playing his piano for me. He says thank you and please and so on. He helps with housework, especially when I don't feel good and he sees that and wants to make sure he is giving me a hand.
Hubby has trouble doing things though. He doesn't leave notes most of the time, doesn't read things I write, I have to tell him to do the dishes or help with laundry if I don't feel good and he never cooks. Not his thing. He does tell me he loves me all the time, but I am a person of action and show. I like tangible things. I love words, don't get me wrong. But I've always been a doer and I like it when someone does something, too. He does a lot of other things for us and for me, though. He will go to the store so I don't have to. That is showing me he loves me by doing something for me that I would rather avoid. If I'm sick, he will bring me food, stay close in case I need something, and when I've had to go to the hospital, he never leaves my side.
I don't think theory of mind is all there is to this and that is what makes it so difficult all the time. I really don't.
I think when we talk (or write or physically show) and let each other know what things make us happy, then that helps a great deal. Each of us is different but there are some very basic things within all of us that need recognition. If I can see it within myself, then I know it is most probably there for someone else.
Like: For me, I like to hear "I love you" and I like to have a gift now and then, so I do that for others and I like to have help with the housework, or to give hugs. If they have more specific things they want or need, then, the policy in our house is that we say so. It doesn't always work, but at least it's something we do try to do.
I've done plenty of articles about accepting the aspie for who they are.
Those articles were mainly aimed at neurotypicals and they encouraged understanding and acceptance.
This particular series is aimed at the aspie. It's all about how the aspie can contribute to the relationship, hence it's bound to feel a little one-sided.
All relationships require work and all relationships require constant change.
If both parties aren't willing to put effort into the relationship, then it will fail.
I have a question though. How can I get my partner to explain his expectations of me before we attend a social event without sounding like an idiot?
"It's possible that it could also mean less of the following;
Criticism
Sarcasm
Being dismissive of opinions"
Those are exactly the things that hurt me more than he will ever know.
Or thanks yous when she does something that you appreciated. Thank yous goes a long way.
You can easily show your appreciation by saying, "Thank you" when she does something nice for you. You can go even further by saying, I really like it when you _____." or I really do appreciate it when you______." If a person never gets any acknowlegegment or praise for the nice things that they do for you, they might begin to feel like you do not notice the nice things they do for you.
I wonder if my son who has A.S. ( when he gets older) will feel the way you do?:)
Have you read Journal of Best Practices by David Finch? It's a memoir about this very journey & it made me feel so understood. I would expect it to be a good read for NTs married to Aspies, too, because Finch does a great job explaining that he feels love for his wife & just bungles the expression of it.
Like, you are right on with the "clever" comment. "Clever", "hardworking", "giving", "thoughtful" and so on. For an NT those character qualities being verbally recognized may mean a whole lot more than comments regarding actions she performs. I'm just sayin'. :) It could make a big, positive difference.