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Conversations with People with ASDs can leave you with a Wrong Impression

People with ASDs often come across in conversations as very self-obsessed and this is reflected in “Aspie-type” personalities in the media, such as “Doc Martin” in the British TV show of the same name and “Sheldon Cooper” from the “Big Bang Theory”**.

The question is whether this is a reputation that we deserve. It's certainly true that conversations with people with Asperger's can be an “experience” but is this a self-centred superiority complex or simply the way that a bunch of traits appear to others… and if so, what can be done about it?


One Sided Conversations 

Autistic people with often seem to dominate conversations, turning the topic to things that interest us (our special interests) and then talking until the listeners make their escape. 

To an outsider, this appears to be “conversation dominance”. It suggests that the “aspie” is not interested in the opinions and subjects of other people.

Autistic people are constantly thinking about their interests and apparently this isn't the case with “normal” people. When you're talking, you tend to say what you're thinking- and for us, it's pretty obvious what that is. In fact, it's hard for us to concentrate on other topics especially if, like “today's weather” or “last night’s sports game”, they seem to lack conversational depth.

This is an area where we can improve simply by trying to rein in our exposure of the special interest and trying to listen to others. It takes practice but it's an important skill to learn.

Being Direct

People with ASD's often ask very direct questions, for example asking an elderly person exactly how old they are or aggressively asking multiple questions about a given purchase which interests them.

Other people can interpret this as being “nosey”, pushy or simply rude.

People with on the spectrum see this quite differently. It shows interest, engagement and sometimes honesty, all traits that we admire in conversation.

Personally I've always been proud of my honesty but over the years I've learned that there are some things that you just can't say. I now refrain from personal comments of any kind to such an extent that I've been accused many times of “not giving compliments”. In fact it's arguably the most difficult part of my marriage.

Too often my most well-meant comments are taken completely the wrong way. It's easier to completely avoid all personal comments than it is to say things that are intended as compliments but could all too easily have unintended consequences.

This is an area where others need to change their unrealistic expectations of us. Of course over the years, I've learned through trial and observation to avoid specific types of comments and questions - and my reading of body language has improved significantly. It’s probably safe to say that these problems should decrease over time with familiarity.


Blurting and Interrupting

People with ASD's are often seen to interrupt the conversations of others, simply blurting out what seems to be random facts. This leads others to presume that they consider their conversations to be more important or at best, that they are simply rude.

Blurting can be a symptom of “over-excitement” in a topic or the urgent need to convey some information before it is forgotten. While autistic people usually have a great long term memory, short term tends to be poor.

More often, blurting is the result of difficulty locating simple entry points into a conversation. I know that in my case, I'll often walk up to a conversation and watch it like a tennis match for a few minutes before silently walking away. This isn't rudeness, simply the person being unable to find the right “gaps” in which to enter a conversation. After a few such attempts, blurting is only to be expected.

In General

There are many other nuances in “autistic conversation” but the answers usually boil down to the same things. Some things, the person with an ASD needs to work on, some things develop naturally over time and sometimes others need to be more understanding and more accommodating. 

The more time you spend listening to a person on the spectrum, the more you'll find yourself "acclimatising" to their "peculiar" speech and world-view. If you're a regular watcher of either of the shows I mentioned earlier, think about how you feel about Doc Martin or Sheldon Cooper now versus how you felt about them in their earliest episodes. 

The rudeness and the superiority complex that people on the spectrum often project is rarely intended as such. 


** Note that neither Doc Martin, nor Sheldon Cooper are specifically identified as "having Asperger's syndrome". though it has certainly come up on one, maybe both, shows.  They're both characters based on real like people who are known by the actors and/or writers.  Nevertheless, the characters they portray are very "aspie-like".

Comments

"People with Asperger's syndrome are often seen to interrupt the conversations of others, simply blurting out what seems to be random facts. " This is very understandable.
Jay said…
I've always been pretty bad at conversation and since I have come to realise I probably have Aspergers I notice it all the more.

I am bad at chit-chat and recognise the "self-obsessed" aspect that you mention. Typically, I will answer the other persons questions and then the conversation fizzles out. Later I will realise that this is because the chat was all one-sided and I should have asked a few questions of my own until the conversation took on a life of it's own. Then I get down because I feel sure the other person must have thought me to be uninterested or uncommunicative.

I think a conversation with me can be quite disjointed as I will be late spotting my opening and "blurt" the contribution I intended to make when the opportunity presented. Often, the conversation will have moved on and I end up dragging it back several stages.
Anonymous said…
"People with Asperger's often seem to dominate conversations, turning the topic to things that interest us (special interests) and then talking until the listeners make their escape.

"To an outsider, this appears to be “conversation dominance”. It suggests that the “aspie” is not interested in the opinions and subjects of other people."

That behavior does in fact have the effect of dominating the conversation, no matter what the person doing the behavior intends by it.

Also, when a person is in a conversation and *is* interested in the opinions and subjects of the other person, then *how* is he or she supposed to learn what those opinions and subjects are?

He or she learns what those are by *paying attention to* to the other person and *giving that person chances to say something*!

This can be done by listening in a spoken conversation, watching in a conversation in sign language, or reading in a conversation in an online chat.

This *cannot* be done by ignoring the other person and/or not giving the other person a chance to say something in the first place.

Therefore, if a person is *not* listening to the other person, then obviously that person is *not* interested in the other person's opinions and subjects.
Anonymous said…
"People with Asperger's often ask very direct questions, for example asking an elderly person exactly how old they are or aggressively asking multiple questions about a given purchase which interests them.
Other people can interpret this as being “nosey”, pushy or simply rude.
People with Asperger's see this quite differently. It shows interest, engagement and sometimes honesty, all traits that we admire in conversation."

Bluntly asking people their ages, ethnicities, etc. can show interest in *stereotyping* them.

Suppose a Canadian both looks Latino and looks Arab, and has this exchange with someone else:

"...Where are you from?"
"I'm from Toronto"
"But where are you really from? What are you?"

Maybe the second person is asking because he thinks all Latinos are gangsters, all Arabs are terrorists, and wants to know which stereotype to use against the first person. Maybe the second person is just so interested in the first person that he honestly wants to know everything about him ASAP.

*How* is the first person supposed to know which intention the second person has, when either way the second person is doing and saying the same things to the first person in this conversation?

Don't forget, this applies no matter if the first person is NT or Aspie or something else, and no matter if the second person is NT or Aspie or something else!

" People with Asperger's often seem to dominate conversations, turning the topic to things that interest us (special interests) and then talking until the listeners make their escape."

Even if the listeners making their escape are *other Aspies*. A topic that interests one Aspie can bore some other Aspies as much as it bores some NTs.

Suppose two Aspies who both have a special interest in Doctor Who are having a conversation about Doctor Who and a third person interrupts them then drones on and and on and on and on and on about model trains until the first two Aspies make their escape.

Does it matter if the third person is an Aspie or an NT? No, it doesn't matter, it's an unpleasant experience for the first two Aspies either way.
Anonymous said…
My son has been diagnosed with AS but lacks conversation and gets irritated if we talk to him. Is this not common?
Gavin Bollard said…
Asperger's syndrome is characterised by having fairly good verbal skills. I know people who have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome who have minimal verbal abilities but this is less common.

Having good verbal abilities but not having the social skills (or inclination to use them) is fairly common though, not just with kids with Asperger's but also with kids who are introverted and within specific age ranges (Ages about 8-16).
Unknown said…
I feel like a bit of a black sheep among aspies. For some reason, I didn't obsess over anything when I was younger. I had a lot of the other markers, day dreaming, poor social skills, lack of body language reading ability, etc. I'd binge on wikipedia or stupid games, but I never wanted to talk about any of that. I'd just sit back in social settings, and mostly would add in wordplay. That was an interesting tactic. it let me feel social while still being in my head. Doesn't quite work so well anymore. It seems that most adults are out to intellectual dominate the conversation somehow. I that kind of setting always day dreaming kind of just makes me fade from relevance till I am a specter... Luckily I've recently found solace in my ability to obsess over 1 topic. Juggling is great if you just want to fade into the background and be off in your own world. It's honestly a self centered way of thinking of it, but when conversations tend to be so awkward, why not?
patrickleahy@hotmail.co.uk said…
Hi,

I am supporting a young man with AS and wish to assist him with his conversational skills. As is very common, the flow of conversation tends to come from his direction and become rapid (possibly more when he is tired).

He is a great guy, very interesting and his two way conversation is superb and can last quite a while. I am looking for a learning tool (should one exist) to assist him to identify one way conversation or let those close to him flag it up without offending him.
Unknown said…
My Nonverbal Learning Disability has hindered me from making close friendships and having romantic relationships.
NVLD and Social Communication Disorder are similar enough to Asperger's that this blog should address the needs of all individuals with impaired nonverbal communication.
Anonymous said…
Aspies need to understand a few things: 1. if you act in a way that is disrespectful to people then in a sense, it doesn't matter why you are doing it, you are being rude and people have every reason not to like you for it, no matter what your diagnosis and 2. you aren't as smart and logical as many of you think, you just fit the common "smart nerd person" trope that average people hold in their head. you tend to not see the forest from the trees and commit egregious intellectual errors. there is no way for you to compete with the mental abilities of a neurotypical with a similar ability at math and logic. so, stop thinking so highly of yourself as a coping mechanism for pissing everyone off.
Anonymous said…
Bottomline: folks with aspergers seem to be self-assessed and lack outside awareness.

When they are taken the wrong way, they offer excuses for their behavior and they think this makes it not as wrong or hurtful. Basically, "I'm not a bad guy and I didn't mean it like that and I have these reasons for doing it....oh and also I just wanted you to be right!".

That last part is why people find aspies kind of pompous. They think because they disagree with someone or that they don't understand people and vice versa....that that is a sign of a more logical/stronger intellect. Hence why they get to decide what is "true" and then interrupt to enforce it.

Well, newsflash, a neurotypical person with the same logical abilities as you (yes, they exist in abundance) has a crisper mind and awareness because they can see the forest from the trees and they judge things much more clearly.

My boss is an aspie. He is also much less educated than I am and he is less intelligent (clearly). He repeated interrupts me and "corrects" me throughout the day. Guess what? He is wrong about 80% of the time and is quite smug about it.

Aspies don't realize this, but when you continually "correct" people that are smarter than you and you are in fact wrong, then it makes you look really bad.
Anonymous said…
Anonymous poster from 03/20/18 clearly has a problem with their boss making him or her feel less than; apparently it's worked because they're now generalizing Aspies based on the behavior of one. You might think you're more intelligent than your boss but truly intelligent people know better than to generalize. You don't realize this, anonymous poster, but you're wearing your feelings and ego issues on your sleeve and it makes you look really silly. Besides that, how do you know your boss is an aspie? Did they tell you that or are you just playing armchair psychologist?
Aspie girl blog said…
I once asked a woman who'd told me she's pregnant how old she was, and I added that I'm surprised she can still get pregnant, seeing that she's got gray streaks in her hair.

I'm sorry about it now, but I really didn't mean to hurt her feelings.
Unknown said…
LOL, as a woman married to one, whose last two wives left him, and I’ve threatened it for 15 years, you took the words right out of my mouth. I just now found out he has asperger’s so I’m giving him a little grace, but geez loose can he be arrogant, doggedly wrong while starting fights over the stupidest things on the planet, and incredibly hypocritical, as he criticizes others harshly for stuff he does himself even more than they do. The poor logic is infuriating, especially when he’s sure that he’s the only one right.
Unknown said…
LOL, as a woman married to one, whose last two wives left him, and I’ve threatened it for 15 years, you took the words right out of my mouth. I just now found out he has asperger’s so I’m giving him a little grace, but geez loose can he be arrogant, doggedly wrong while starting fights over the stupidest things on the planet, and incredibly hypocritical, as he criticizes others harshly for stuff he does himself even more than they do. The poor logic is infuriating, especially when he’s sure that he’s the only one right.
Unknown said…
If you are an Aspie, you probably are missing that for an NT, saying “always” or generalizing a problem to a whole group is understood by most NT’s to be an exaggeration out of frustration, or just means many and not all, and no one takes it as truly meaning that they stereotype everyone. As I read it, I doubted that he/she truly believes every Aspie is exactly the same. However, many are similar enough that just saying Aspie’s like to correct instead of some or many like to correct, was understood by me to mean some or a lot or in general. Don’t take it personally toward you if you don’t do that.
Unknown said…
That’s very kind of you to care about the faupau. Even NTs say stupid things by accident sometimes, if that makes you feel better. I guess we just learn not to faster or catch it sooner. I thought I might be Aspie for reasons like this, fear of talking or saying things differently, but I’m not so I think I have a different social issue. I worked on it and most of the time I can fit right in, but my friend’s daughter endearingly (I hope) call me Phoebe from Friends. Based on tests for Aspergers, I’m definitely an NTwhile my husband is a severe Aspie.
The AntiDote said…
Thank you so much for posting this! I know it’s a few years old now but it’s rare that I come across something that puts it all in to words so well.

I’m 44 and was diagnosed with Asperger’s only last year so I’ve spent decades being regarded by many as being a conversational “narcissist” and someone who rudely interrupts etc. This always annoyed and frustrated me as I knew I wasn’t really that type of person but obviously I can now plainly see how and why I came across in those ways. I spent years trying to figure out why so few people wanted have ever wanted to consider me a friend as well as why I’ve never been invited to weddings, stag nights, holidays abroad etc. Oh hang on....there I go again just talking about myself! ;-)

Realising that all this “self-centredness” comes from our Aspergers is only part of the solution - the majority (as well as being more significant) is all about taking action and using this knowledge to make changes. I thikkkuts certainly true that we as Aspies are forced to work twice as hard as NT to be “normal”.

Good luck everybody ��
Anonymous said…
I'm pretty sure my wife is on the Asperger's spectrum, and have put up with moods, rants, meltdowns, a fair degree of attempted gaslighting, and more over the past 20 years. Leaving her is constantly on my mind. I'm curious to know your own feelings, and whether or not you think you'll eventually leave.

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