The plan for this post is to round up the topic of Aspie parenting with a look at some of the many benefits that aspie parents can give their children.
Emotional Clarity
One unexpected benefit of having difficulty reading and expressing emotions is that you become considerably more verbal in their expression. Aspie parents don't wait for their children to magically read their emotional state - they tell them outright.
This in turn teaches children to express their emotive state verbally. There are no emotional secrets in aspie families - at least, not if you're listening*.
* note that I've often heard people complain about how an aspie partner never lets them know how he's feeling but quite often I find that the "complainers" are looking for an emotive expression rather than a direct statement.
Honesty and Integrity
Aspies are usually sticklers for rules and honesty is one of the most important of these. In a world where it is normal, even expected, that people will tell "white lies" all the time - (for example; no, the dress doesn't make you look fat), you can often rely on aspies to tell the truth no matter how tactless or hurtful it might be.
This can be quite a good thing really because it's nice to know that there is someone you can rely upon for honesty. It often means that you can trust aspie children to follow rules to the letter and that family discussions are open and honest.
Routine and Planning
All children thrive on routine and planning but aspergers and autistic children do so more than most. An aspergers parent needs routine in their life. They need to plan things in intricate detail and they need to make lists. Not surprisingly all this is good for their children who quickly fall into the routine and know, from the various charts and lists around the house, exactly what is expected of them. Of course, this only works when the aspie parent is directly responsible for the children. Aspie moms are particularly effective in this regard - aspie dads, less so.
Shared Special Interests
Aspie Parents will usually pass through a brief period in which their special interest is popular with their children. Unfortunately, with neurotypical children, this moment is all too brief. Aspie parents with aspie children however have a different story to tell. In particular, special interest crossovers occur when the parent's interests are "child-like" in nature. For example, in my case, I've a big interest in Doctor Who, and a lesser but still good interest (and knowledge of) Star Wars. These don't serve me particularly well in terms of employment but it does make me very popular with my kids, both of whom have varying degrees of special interest in these subjects.
Understanding and Suitability
This really only applies to aspie parents with aspie kids. There's nothing quite like insider understanding. Aspie parents know what it's like to be shunned by other children in the playground and usually our memories of childhood (and our childhood feelings) are as clear as yesterday's memories. This makes us considerably more empathetic with our own aspie children than neruotypical parents could be.
Aspie parents with aspie children are also much less likely to put social stress on their children and are less likely to engage in heavily social or strenuous activities (for which low muscle tone is an issue). They are also less likely to induce stress in their children over the display of empathy, tone and eye contact.
Summary
I think that this topic has presented a very positive message about parents with aspergers. Yes, it is recognised that we have our difficulties but it seems pretty clear that our methods of dealing with these difficulties are generally sound and unlikely to harm our children.
Furthermore, it's obvious that aspergers parents bring a number of strengths to their parenting style and in particular, that they are probably more suited to the parenting of children with aspergers, than neurotypical parents.
17 comments:
Beautiful post, Gavin. I agree with every word. It's so important to put out the message that Aspies can be great parents. I've seen it lift the burden of worry from the shoulders of many a potential Aspie mom or dad.
One additional benefit of being an Aspie parent is that if you have a neuro-typical child, you will give that child a very positive feeling about Aspies. My daughter doesn't have the fear and stereotypes about autism that so many people have, and she is able to pass on her understanding to her friends. And while so many people complain about their insensitive teenagers, I can happily say that my teenage daughter is very considerate of my sensory issues and other Aspie challenges, and she makes her friends aware of them, too.
We Aspie parents have a great deal to offer.
Thanks for all of your posts, very insightful.
"Aspie" has been a term being knocked around the family for a while now and reading your posts make a lot of sense. I recognize a number of things you've mentioned in myself (should I be worried ;) ).
Keep up the good work!
Brilliant post, I agree with the analysis. I've never understood people who've tried to tell me that people with aspergers make ever so dramatically terrible parents.
Aspergers parents may not have all the same things to offer as neurotypical parents but they do have very valuable things to offer.
If I may present a wee voice of dissent. Well, not really dissent, but just one of the harder aspects of having an Aspie for a mom.
I've had a hard time as a mother, related to the unpredictability of kids and the 24/7 nature of parenting in the early years. My executive dysfunction and need for lists and routines does not translate to keeping things orderly and to my kids knowing exactly what's expected when...far from it. Mostly I feel overwhelmed by the constant need to redo tasks just done (cleaning, laundry) and am in various stages of hopelessness, frazzle, and/or meltdown. My children routinely report an absence of clean underwear. :-)
That said, the honesty and the ability to let someone be exactly who they are are things I consider very positive about me as a mother. I'm a good listener (when not frazzled) and I do, at core, think I'm a very good mother.
I was googling for stuff to read on Aspie Parents and found your blog. I love what you wrote. The piece is very encouraging.
I don't mean to rain on the parade, but I think it's a good idea not to approach this with unbounded "It'll Be Great." You have to keep in mind that you're talking about an enterprise that'll last the rest of your life, and if it turns out not to be something you can handle well, you're likely to hurt your children and grandchildren. I'd go beyond "hurt" to "damage".
Rachel's talking about what wonderful things her daughter does *for her*, and spinning that to make it be a gift to the daughter. This is just about the reverse of what you'll see most NT moms doing, which is to foreground the daughter and her needs to the point where you have to remind the mother to think of herself. And unfortunately, as a daughter of an Aspie, I must admit sadly that this my experience, too. My Aspie parent does not repay all this consideration with love, connection, interest in others' interests and lives, visits to grandchildren, etc. It's all about my parent. When others in the family are confrontational about the harm this causes, the reaction is rage -- and never a thought about why the confrontation's occurred. The entire focus is on getting an apology. Again, all about the Aspie parent.
It's deeply harmful, and it continues harmful long after childhood is over.
Go have a look at some mothers' boards in which mothers are talking about their effects on their children. See how quickly the conversation turns almost exclusively to the children themselves, the children's interests, the children's problems. Then compare with this page. And before you embark on some critique of why the other page is "wrong", or adopt a self-defensive posture that says that you're great *too*, stop, please, and think about why the other mothers behave that way, and what it might be doing for children. Why, in general, mothers behave like that, and not like this.
If you can't take your focus off yourself, if you can't give children the sort of connection and empathy and interest and chronic tolerance they need, please, don't have kids. Yeah, they'll live...mostly. This is not the same as happiness. Don't have children for yourselves only to condemn them to pain, if, constitutionally, you cannot offer what a normal child needs.
Sorry, I forgot to mention: Things like not having clean underwear? When chronic, they're not cute. Kids who have to go to school wearing dirty clothes smell bad. Other kids react to the smell, and it's your kids who take the social hit for it, not you. If your house is gross, because it's too much to manage? Yes, other parents will be less willing to let their kids play over with yours. They'll sense that something's wrong. That playground shunning you find so understandable? You have to stop and ask yourself how much of it has to do with *your* behavior, things over which your kids have no control.
I'm not saying that AShood is bad in itself. But it has very real consequences for your children. I don't know, I'm probably talking to a wall here, just as I am when I try to show my Aspie parent that the behavior does cause real damage to me, my brother, our children. My parent is pretty much impervious to the suggestion that there are behaviors -- changeable behaviors -- that hurt other people badly. Unless, of course, they're someone else's behavior is hurting my parent. Then suddenly it's possible for one person to harm another.
Great post. I married a man who has Aspergers who has two sons with Aspergers. I love their minds, I love the routines of our family. Sometimes I feel envious being so neuro-typical.
Im another child of an Aspie parent. The reason I am here today is because after 40 years that Aspie parent is still damaging my life!
Aspei parents are all about the parent. Everything done is for the self not the child. "Look at MY lovely child" every achievement of the child is attributed to the parent, every conversation about the child is to draw attention to the parent, their hardwork, their effort, their sacrifice and suffering. OMG the suffering! Eevrythign that happens in the world is a direct attack, deliberate plot or conspiracy to cause the aspei pain. Get a grip. people live thier life and a lot of teh time what they need to do to survive will not be a perfect outcome for you or in line with what you want. deal with it.
I think the most important thing to keep in mind is that each Aspie presents differently. No 2 are the same. So while one person with aspergers may not be the ideal parent that does not mean that another will not be.
I'm a 29 year old Aspie, contemplating motherhood. I came here in search of some insight. My biggest issue is getting information from ADULT children of aspie parents, and it seems that they are rather negative. I was adopted at birth, and I had a fairly horrible childhood, which is another reason for contemplating bringing a child into this world.
If you're thinking about posting your life experience, please do! We can all benefit from it.
I'm contemplating on having children as well. I am a woman with Aspergers syndrome and have a husband without it (although his uncle does ) I don't know if we should have children or not, I just don't want them to have the horrible life I have endured. I have mild aspergers syndrome in my opinion, because I can look people in the eyes, understand social cues, have a non-monotone voice, cry from things anyone else would cry about, love children, and just want a family. I just don't have enough resources on asperger moms and how rare or common it is to have a child on the autism spectrum. If anyone knows I'd love to find out!
Hi I'm an aspie woman and wondering if it is common or rare for aspie women to have aspie/autistic children if the Aspie woman is with a neurotypical male.
I'm a 29 year-old aspie female contemplating having kids in the next couple of years. I suspect that my parents are both Aspies, although neither have been diagnosed and I have only been diagnosed recently.
I can see where I will struggle with keeping the meltdowns away and the 24/7 nature of parenting, but I also know that I love kids and am great with kids and the periods of my life that have been smoothest emotionally were the times where I had to make my existence about other people so I literally didn't have time to be anxious about my own problems.
As a child of Aspies, I certainly have accused my parents of being egotistical and not sensitive to my emotional needs...many and many times. I also see their good qualities though and I would not say my life was hard because of them. Life IS hard. You get knocked down and scraped up and kicked. I have simply come to accept what my parents' individual limitations are and what is just them being them, just as I must accept my own limitations and that I don't always thrive in the same situations as my neurotypical peers. (Some people can work 60 hours a week and still have their wits about them. I start becoming a wreck somewhere around 48 hours.)
I am going to have kids because my whole life, having children has been something that I've wanted, and it's something that my husband(NT) has always wanted. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be hard. And I'll need support and my kids will need support. There will be days when my kids detest me as there are days when all kids detest their parents. It's going to be worth it though; I may be an aspie, but I have a lot of love to give.
As a aspie child and now a aspie mother to a aspie daughter i have 3 generations of aspie ..I see there is negative and postives to every style of parenting .. I see how my mum damaged me but I also see how she made me strong enought to cope with motherhood .. Im now dealing with an aspie daughter and Ive come to realize it ist just 123 it takes a lot of time and patience and self realisation ..One thing i know its discrimination and ignorance which makes it harder for the kids..but the determination I have is like a nucleae bomb, so despite up and downs remembee be proud to be Aspie because your special and not just a sheep ..
My husband is an Aspie and my young daughter who is NT will have virtually nothing to do with him. It became noticeable around 18 months and has continued to progress to where she says she wants a new dad. She has no emotional connection to him which has left me to essentially raise her alone. He does not seem capable of understanding her emotional needs and when she does something wrong, does not deal with the situation appropriately. I had no idea that this could lead to such poor family dynamics. I can't change him, but at least in my household, he is incapable of fulfilling a parenting role.
How a parent is, is how a person is and what they grew up with. Im too be a new mom and i have aspergers. The thing is i love being touched, cuddled, and i do have social abilities and direct eye contact. Which i had years of learning to do. my child will be nice and respectfull because i will teach him to be that way. And disipline him too
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