A little while ago, when I was being particularly difficult, my wife said to me "that's right, you're an aspie, so you can't empathize". In fact, nothing could be further from the truth - so Empathy is the focus of this post.
It's a well documented fact that women are empathic creatures while men are problem-solvers. You can read all about this in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray. This isn't an aspie book but it is good reading for aspies because it contains a lot of useful information about how and why people react the way they do. It's also a good book for anyone in a long-term relationship because you fall into traps and stereotypes after a few years.
Now... back to the point.
When I was a kid, I couldn't really empathize well. Without realizing it, I would say things that hurt people's feelings (I still do). The aspie doesn't really "think on the fly" during conversations. There's a delay and we often don't pick up on non-verbal or non-obvious cues that we're hurting someone.
That said, aspies are the first to notice when people are obviously upset or hurt.
Obvious and Physical Hurt
When people are physically rather than verbally hurt, aspies tend to be quite concerned. I've seen that behaviour in my eldest child (7) at school and at play. I've also seen it in myself. It's not that we don't understand emotional hurt but rather that we have more difficulty determining that it has happened.
In adult and teenage aspies, there's an extra dimension to concern for others and the aspie needs to learn that there are times when they should not become involved.
This is particularly important when, for example, the aspie is displaying obvious concern for other adults, particularly those of the opposite gender.
Such concern could easily be misinterpreted as romantic interest and this could lead to unintended entanglements, or if either person is already "entangled", open hostility from partners arising from jealousy.
"Empathy" in its Truest form.
When an aspie is listening/concentrating or deliberately trying to be emphatic, they achieve a level of empathy well beyond what neurotypical people experience.
For example, when watching a movie, I find myself emoting with the characters to a huge degree, even when they're CGI, Cartoons or fluffy muppets. I can't help it. Often when I'm explaining things to my kids, I'll get a lump in my throat because I'll suddenly remember something about my childhood that links to the moment.
Empathy with the non-human and non-living
This is where it gets weird... but I wouldn't trade the gifts of aspergers for anything.
In aspergers, empathy doesn't just mean "put yourself in my shoes" it means "become me", "feel as I feel" and "see as I see". I'm sure that this is at least part of the reason why aspies are often good at acting.
When I have a reason to (usually in problem-solving). I can see and feel as the non-human and non-living objects do. Rather than using one of my own examples for non-human empathy, I'll direct you to Dr. Temple Grandin's Web Site.
Dr Grandin's Asperger's condition helped her to design a revolutionary and humane cattle handling system.
My Example of Non-Living Empathy
Non-Living empathy may seem bizarre at first but I have a good example.
I'm in the information technology field and I do a lot of development and troubleshooting with computers. One way in which my aspergers helps me is in the determination of what is "visible" or "known" to the code.
In problem-solving situations, I'm frequently telling my colleagues. "Hang on, lets just walk this one through". I then pretend to be a piece of computer code and say "ok,... now we're going through subroutine x and at this point I don't know about y".
Invariably, it results in a change to the computer code to make the application work.
I used to have problems understanding why my colleagues would look at me strangely instead of joining me on the trip but now that I understand my aspergers condition, I just take this as a gift and run with it.
Closing Comments...
Aspies don't lack empathy, we have oodles of it and not just the human kind either. If an aspie has trouble understanding your emotional state it's probably because it's not visible enough for them to start looking deeper.
Perhaps some hints would help at this stage?
It's a well documented fact that women are empathic creatures while men are problem-solvers. You can read all about this in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray. This isn't an aspie book but it is good reading for aspies because it contains a lot of useful information about how and why people react the way they do. It's also a good book for anyone in a long-term relationship because you fall into traps and stereotypes after a few years.
Now... back to the point.
When I was a kid, I couldn't really empathize well. Without realizing it, I would say things that hurt people's feelings (I still do). The aspie doesn't really "think on the fly" during conversations. There's a delay and we often don't pick up on non-verbal or non-obvious cues that we're hurting someone.
That said, aspies are the first to notice when people are obviously upset or hurt.
Obvious and Physical Hurt
When people are physically rather than verbally hurt, aspies tend to be quite concerned. I've seen that behaviour in my eldest child (7) at school and at play. I've also seen it in myself. It's not that we don't understand emotional hurt but rather that we have more difficulty determining that it has happened.
In adult and teenage aspies, there's an extra dimension to concern for others and the aspie needs to learn that there are times when they should not become involved.
This is particularly important when, for example, the aspie is displaying obvious concern for other adults, particularly those of the opposite gender.
Such concern could easily be misinterpreted as romantic interest and this could lead to unintended entanglements, or if either person is already "entangled", open hostility from partners arising from jealousy.
"Empathy" in its Truest form.
When an aspie is listening/concentrating or deliberately trying to be emphatic, they achieve a level of empathy well beyond what neurotypical people experience.
For example, when watching a movie, I find myself emoting with the characters to a huge degree, even when they're CGI, Cartoons or fluffy muppets. I can't help it. Often when I'm explaining things to my kids, I'll get a lump in my throat because I'll suddenly remember something about my childhood that links to the moment.
Empathy with the non-human and non-living
This is where it gets weird... but I wouldn't trade the gifts of aspergers for anything.
In aspergers, empathy doesn't just mean "put yourself in my shoes" it means "become me", "feel as I feel" and "see as I see". I'm sure that this is at least part of the reason why aspies are often good at acting.
When I have a reason to (usually in problem-solving). I can see and feel as the non-human and non-living objects do. Rather than using one of my own examples for non-human empathy, I'll direct you to Dr. Temple Grandin's Web Site.
Dr Grandin's Asperger's condition helped her to design a revolutionary and humane cattle handling system.
My Example of Non-Living Empathy
Non-Living empathy may seem bizarre at first but I have a good example.
I'm in the information technology field and I do a lot of development and troubleshooting with computers. One way in which my aspergers helps me is in the determination of what is "visible" or "known" to the code.
In problem-solving situations, I'm frequently telling my colleagues. "Hang on, lets just walk this one through". I then pretend to be a piece of computer code and say "ok,... now we're going through subroutine x and at this point I don't know about y".
Invariably, it results in a change to the computer code to make the application work.
I used to have problems understanding why my colleagues would look at me strangely instead of joining me on the trip but now that I understand my aspergers condition, I just take this as a gift and run with it.
Closing Comments...
Aspies don't lack empathy, we have oodles of it and not just the human kind either. If an aspie has trouble understanding your emotional state it's probably because it's not visible enough for them to start looking deeper.
Perhaps some hints would help at this stage?
Comments
It sounds like you've got the empathy and body language reading sorted, though this could be because of your reading.
The best way to evaluate your aspieness, short of visiting medical practitioners is to take the aspie quiz.
But I really feel it is a myth that ASD have no empathy. It is just a different kind of empathy and doesn't fit social norms to my thinking.
I have noticed I have no trouble being empathetic with fellow Aspies, and I also I think that about the body language as well. Fellow Aspies or people with Aspie traits can often read each other quite easily.
This all goes back to another article you have written about Asperger's being a "difference". But not to say that we don't need extra help and assistance in everyday life to get on in this very social world.
Em (aka emc2)
I am a partially self diagnosed aspie, (as most people seem to be) but still trying to root out the cause of my condition.
Anyway rant over. Thank you for the artical.
It's very hard for me.
I know it's early, but I'm actually looking forward to this journey, and discovering what a neat little guy he really is. Thank you for a positive viewpoint - they are too few and far between!
You're doing the right thing by telling him to come by 9.15 but it might be better if you tell him when he has to leave work.
I'm hopeless at getting places on time but I'm good if I'm told... "You have to leave the house at 7pm".
Set the time accordingly and allow him (without telling him) a little leeway but seriously, you'll probably have to enforce the rules a few times before he gets it. (ie: "Nope, sorry you're too late so can't come in "- or... "no, you
have to apologise/get flowers before you can come in".
Regarding saying "how are you". He's unlikely to ever "get it". I certainly don't. It's built into my coming home checklist routine now, so I always say "how was your day" to my wife but it's because it's a routine, not because I want to ask it.
Just blurt it out. That's what aspies do. That's what he expects you to do. If you've had a hard day, tell him - don't wait for him to notice the signs and ask.
Question- IYO, can an Aspie learn to empathize 'in the moment', rather than way later, when often times the damage is done? Or is this dependent on where he is in the spectrum?
As to learning to empathize "in the moment", I don't think that's possible. Reading your story with your husband, it reminded me of arguments I've had with my boyfriend (except I'm the Aspie in this situation.) I can say that if an argument started from a semantic misunderstanding, it makes sense to us Aspies to focus on that one detail. That detail is what made the argument in the first place, therefore, we see it as the most important aspect. We're used to being misunderstood on a regular basis. We often have to clarify what we mean, since even though we talk in a straightforward way, others tend to assume there is something else to it. Sometimes they think our literal or blunt words mean we're trying to be sarcastic, when we're actually being completely serious. A lot of times we're unaware of how our tone of voice is conveyed, and people assume we're angry when we're really content. It's a bit difficult to explain, but you can search for "Asperger's verify and clarify" to get more info. Long story short, the exact words that are used mean a lot to us. If another person said one thing but meant something else, and we took what they said at face-value, we feel that we were in the right. If something went wrong because the other person didn't want to just communicate what they meant and an argument started up from it, there could be either (or both) of the following happening- 1) The Aspie doesn't see that you are getting upset, and/or 2) They don't understand WHY you're getting upset. It's irrational for someone to get upset at another person over a misunderstanding that was their own cause. Therefore, we don't understand why it would hurt you. Only afterwards, when we see the eventual aftermath, might we realize that something went wrong. If I caused my boyfriend to be upset after an argument, my response would depend on which of the above two cases was happening. If I simply hadn't realized I hurt him, then I feel really bad and I try to comfort him. If, however, he started the issue in the first place, I'm much less sympathetic. I'm more likely to go to another room by myself and wait for us both to calm down. I then expect an apology. Lacking one, however, we eventually return to our normal life anyway... Just because some things are too silly to keep a grudge over.
I've read numerous articles about how Aspies can come off as rude and mean when in actuality they don't mean to be. My boss seems to lack empathy in some situations (ie. I was in a bad car accident and she never once asked me how I was doing, if I needed the rest of the day off, etc.), and then feels extreme empathy for other things (ie. people who have very mild anxiety or depression). I can appreciate that it's normal not to be able to completely understand how someone feels if we haven't been through the same things ourselves. But, myy question is, how can the rest of us recognize if people with AS coming off as rude is really them being rude, or if it's just them not being able to express themselves more empathetically? Sometimes my boss does or says something so outrageously inappropriate and blunt that I can't help but wonder if she really is just one mean, selfish person.
Every day when we have lunch she goes on and on about herself, tells me every detail about her weekend, what her children did, how she cleaned her kitchen, or starts listing all the appliances she has in her house. After 10-15 minutes I feel completely exhausted, and after a year of working for her, I am out of questions to ask her about her stories in order to have a conversation with her, and not just listen to a very monotonous monologue. Of course, she does not at all notice my lack of interest in her stories, and the fact that I'm not even listening to her anymore (ie. I'm be playing with my phone and she's still talking in the same tone of voice). Deep down, I know that she's a good and compassionate person, and so I'd really like to connect more with her.
If she were a friend or a co-worker, I think I would find the courage to mention Asperger's and ask her if she ever thought that she too, like her child, might have it. But, since she's my boss (and a doctor herself) I dare not say anything. I am actively looking for another job, but I would rather face the problem than run away from it. I have also found that she does listen when someone is talking, but interrupts the other person a lot (makes it difficult for us to have a dialogue and for me to finish my sentences), and is not at all good with confrontation. She sulks a lot if you hurt her feelings even a little and doesn't really know how to defend herself. So I'm afraid that if I say anything to her, even in the nicest way possible, she will feel so deeply hurt and disappointed, and I will not be able to live with myself later.
Maybe I've rambled on too much here, but I AM DESPERATE for help. I'll be grateful for any piece of advice.
Thank you all.
P.
It makes me wonder why they're married if they hate them so much. Also just so you know your acknowledgement of any kind of psychological difference between males and females rankles at my sense of morality. THEY ARE EXACTLY THE SAME DAMNIT!!! GRRR! There is no difference or if there is a difference it's so minute as to be unimportant and the rest is just societal conditioning kay? Kay. Glad we had this talk ^^
In other words: self-centered.
In my experience Aspergic people are unable to process the idea of 2nd person singular, to use a grammatical term, i.e. 'thou'. So other people with whom they are associated are part of the 2nd person plural 'you' or part of the 1st person 'we' should the other person be a 'significant other'.
In regard to the former the concept of empathy does not apply for an Aspergic person, nor neurotypical either for that matter. However for a neurotypical person a 'significant other' is recognised to be referred to as 'thou' meaning the speaker acknowledges that person is an entity in their own right with personal boundaries to be respected and that other person mutually recognises the converse, each separate but in a relationship as 'we'.
Aspergic persons on the other hand cannot grasp this and conflate 'I' and 'Thou' into 'We' and then may become bossy control freaks should the other neurotypical person gently flag that they are their own 'I' and need their boundaries respected. The neurotypical person will gently flag this requirement using non-verbal communication which goes unrecognised by the Aspergic person more often than not which makes the situation worse. That is why the advice is to let the Aspergic person know in no uncertain terms that the boundary trangression behaviours are not acceptable.
Re programming - we used to call it "playing computer". To this day that and thorough specification of a program's complete function is the only way I can write bullet-proof programs (principally firmware for specific microcontroller-based projects). I am an assembly-language fan to the death. And I "grew up" with Warnier-Orr diagramatic planning.