We often hear about aspie awkwardness in social situations but the diagnostic criteria doesn't give parents and supporters much to go on. I've decided to give you a very simple example;
The Setup
Yesterday was Melbourne cup day. For overseas people, Melbourne cup day is the day in which the entire of Australia stops to celebrate a horse race in Melbourne. For the people of Melbourne, it is actually a holiday however the other States in Australia simply get a break around time the race is run and perhaps a few other celebrations.
At my workplace, we celebrate by wearing silly hats to a luncheon and then watching the race on TV together. This year, although I was looking very hard for a propeller hat, I ended up wearing a London bobby helmet.
Being in IT, I am always late to these functions due to last-minute helpdesk calls etc. This usually means that I end up sitting next to the CEO who is often also late.
On this occasion, the CEO wore a pointed wizards hat. A few other people around the table wore funny hats but most were too "sad"? To wear anything that wasn't strictly normal.
A Bit of Background
Last year, the CEO wore a jester's hat and it was a great hit. 1 month later, at the Kris Kringle (where we buy each other presents and secretly swap), the CEO received a clown's wig. He was not amused. At the time, I thought it was a pretty bizarre present and I could understand why he wasn't impressed. The CEO followed his musings up with a statement to the effect that the present must have been chosen because of his "comedy trendsetting" at the Melbourne cup.
Being an aspie, all of this is recorded in my memory in full detail and feels like yesterday. I might not necessarily expect everybody to remember the details but since it happened to the CEO, I would have expected him to remember it perfectly.
Forced Conversation
One of the things that I really hate about social occasions is the fact that you are expected to converse, even though there is not much to talk about. The aim of this conversation is small talk where you are supposed to talk about all manner of disconnected and non-relevant things such as the weather and you are supposed to comment on things that are unusual at the table - though not personal features.
Melbourne cup day hats fall very much into this category as great objects for discussion. I commented to the CEO that his was a cool hat but suggested that he would need to be careful as whatever he wore could conceivably influence his Christmas present in the Kris Kringle.
I figured that it was a fairly plain way to remind him, with humorous intent and without going into too much detail. As it turned out, the CEO looked at me strangely and said that he had no idea what I had just said. I had to elaborate four times and after each time he'd say, "no, I'm still not quite following you".
Eventually I had to tell the entire story which, to be honest is a fairly boring one. I couldn't just drop the matter since the CEO was now taking this as a personal comment.
After a while, the CEO and the other people at the table started to remember however it confused me that they didn't already know - they were all there after all.
They thought that I had purchased the clown hair since I was the only person who remembered it well. Although I dissuaded them, I wonder whether or not they believe that.
Results
The result of all of this was that I ended up having to talk more than I wanted to, got blamed for something I didn't do and ended coming across as a very boring person because I had to spend a long while explaining a quip. I also felt pretty stupid because I wasn't able to get my point across without having to repeat it four times.
It just becomes yet another social discouragement for me and encourages me to keep my mouth shut in future. I'm not blaming the people involved, their own lack of memory isn't their fault. I'm simply using the incident to demonstrate how differently the aspie mind works and why it makes conversation so painful for us.
This was a very small incident but the point I'm trying to make here is that this sort of thing happens nearly every single time an aspie tries to be involved in a social event. Social events become extremely trying for us as well as significantly reducing our self-esteem.
I don't know what the answer is. I don't think that there really is one.
The Setup
Yesterday was Melbourne cup day. For overseas people, Melbourne cup day is the day in which the entire of Australia stops to celebrate a horse race in Melbourne. For the people of Melbourne, it is actually a holiday however the other States in Australia simply get a break around time the race is run and perhaps a few other celebrations.
At my workplace, we celebrate by wearing silly hats to a luncheon and then watching the race on TV together. This year, although I was looking very hard for a propeller hat, I ended up wearing a London bobby helmet.
Being in IT, I am always late to these functions due to last-minute helpdesk calls etc. This usually means that I end up sitting next to the CEO who is often also late.
On this occasion, the CEO wore a pointed wizards hat. A few other people around the table wore funny hats but most were too "sad"? To wear anything that wasn't strictly normal.
A Bit of Background
Last year, the CEO wore a jester's hat and it was a great hit. 1 month later, at the Kris Kringle (where we buy each other presents and secretly swap), the CEO received a clown's wig. He was not amused. At the time, I thought it was a pretty bizarre present and I could understand why he wasn't impressed. The CEO followed his musings up with a statement to the effect that the present must have been chosen because of his "comedy trendsetting" at the Melbourne cup.
Being an aspie, all of this is recorded in my memory in full detail and feels like yesterday. I might not necessarily expect everybody to remember the details but since it happened to the CEO, I would have expected him to remember it perfectly.
Forced Conversation
One of the things that I really hate about social occasions is the fact that you are expected to converse, even though there is not much to talk about. The aim of this conversation is small talk where you are supposed to talk about all manner of disconnected and non-relevant things such as the weather and you are supposed to comment on things that are unusual at the table - though not personal features.
Melbourne cup day hats fall very much into this category as great objects for discussion. I commented to the CEO that his was a cool hat but suggested that he would need to be careful as whatever he wore could conceivably influence his Christmas present in the Kris Kringle.
I figured that it was a fairly plain way to remind him, with humorous intent and without going into too much detail. As it turned out, the CEO looked at me strangely and said that he had no idea what I had just said. I had to elaborate four times and after each time he'd say, "no, I'm still not quite following you".
Eventually I had to tell the entire story which, to be honest is a fairly boring one. I couldn't just drop the matter since the CEO was now taking this as a personal comment.
After a while, the CEO and the other people at the table started to remember however it confused me that they didn't already know - they were all there after all.
They thought that I had purchased the clown hair since I was the only person who remembered it well. Although I dissuaded them, I wonder whether or not they believe that.
Results
The result of all of this was that I ended up having to talk more than I wanted to, got blamed for something I didn't do and ended coming across as a very boring person because I had to spend a long while explaining a quip. I also felt pretty stupid because I wasn't able to get my point across without having to repeat it four times.
It just becomes yet another social discouragement for me and encourages me to keep my mouth shut in future. I'm not blaming the people involved, their own lack of memory isn't their fault. I'm simply using the incident to demonstrate how differently the aspie mind works and why it makes conversation so painful for us.
This was a very small incident but the point I'm trying to make here is that this sort of thing happens nearly every single time an aspie tries to be involved in a social event. Social events become extremely trying for us as well as significantly reducing our self-esteem.
I don't know what the answer is. I don't think that there really is one.
Comments
And I always get accused for being responsible for something bad just because I am the only one who remembers it in full detail.
It's kinda stressful to always conciously remove details from your memory to scale it down to NT level when telling a story.
Oh, and I'd love to one day get one of those really silly propeller hats for those special moments in life :)
Mostly I just smile, nod, encourage other people to talk about themselves, and often just shut my mouth... and pick my social occasions. Bit hard to avoid the melb cup thing when you work with other ppl tho.
Thanks for blogging about this.
I have "learned" to enjoy being social at work, against a backdrop of structure, but when I join co-workers outside of work for a get-together, my house of cards crumbles. My stories go nowhere.
Inside my mind, I'm cheering myself on, and I 'm the only person who seems interesting to me!
It's funny here, it's not funny there.
It always made me wonder if I was crazy...that people could be at the same place I'd been, witnessed the same event and have no knowledge of what I was talking about.
I like what you said about having other people talk about themselves, though. It makes you seem more eager to get to know them, and most people love talking about themselves. I've learned to do this the hard way, and it works so much better - the only thing I need to think of creatively are questions to ask the other person!
Gotta love our awkwardness :P
I am confused by the list in the DSM - IV that describes this condition a bit. I know aspergers is on a spectrum, so it doesn't look the same in everyone. Yet in the DSM -- IV it states that the traits which people have when they have aspergers have to significantly detract from a persons ability to thrive in social situations.
So assuming a case is borderline, where would asperger's end and a neurotypical person with a lot of aspie traits begin?
My email is aviolamom@yahoo.com -- if you could give me any insight into this. Thanks.
I quickly learned to shut up.Of course then people thought I was unfriendly because I didn't talk to them even though we had talked before.
I somehow cannot break the habit of making the little quips anyway...possibly due to the fact that my whole family makes jokes that are similar to those. But theirs are funny and mine, by and large, aren't. So it's like random reinforcement -- I get just enough positive feedback to make me think it's OK to try again. After all, it works *sometimes*. :(
I also always avoided eye contact based on principle. I found it to be too odd to stare into another's eyes, too physical and emotional, simply a distraction from what they actually stand for. I can get the social hints form watching the order of the their eyebrow and eye lashes and how the eye moves and recognize the patterns. I actually think I do better than the intuitive standard human way (which I mastered soon as I discovered they actually do look into each other's eyes). But all in all, my actions and reaction are all based on one principle!
Never dig myself into a hole by speaking too much.