Monday, April 16, 2012

Adult Meltdowns and the Problems of Restraint

I was asked by a reader if I could write something about Adult Meltdowns.  This is my attempt.  It's not terribly good because I find this topic very difficult to write about.  

In children, meltdowns are sometimes incorrectly referred to as "tantrums".  I've talked about the differences between a meltdown and a tantrum before so I won't bore you with the details again.

The key things to remember about meltdowns are as follows;

  • They are not controlled events
  • Once "tripped" they can't be stopped easily.
  • The reasons for them are often long term and/or sensory (even though the triggers are usually immediate).

A young child can often be restrained or moved to a place of safety during a meltdown but what about older kids and adults? As a parent, you can often tell your kids to "go to your room" and sometimes they even comply but what happens when it's your spouse that's having the meltdown?

Adult Meltdowns Do Happen (they're just usually less visible)
It's true, adults do have meltdowns too. I'm not talking about temper flare ups and the urge to hit people who don't agree. You don't need to be on the spectrum to have those - though having a little alcohol and/or stress sometimes helps.

I'm talking about fully-fledged out-of-control meltdowns.

Most adults today with a history of meltdowns are able to exercise at least a degree of contol over their triggers.  We often know when someone is "pushing our buttons" and can switch topics or leave the room.  Similarly, if we walk into a store where the music is too loud, we can ask the storekeeper to turn it down - or we can choose to walk out again. We're at least that much better off than our children.

The Problems of Restraint
Unfortunately, there are situations in which we can't exercise our adult rights. Sometimes abusive people corner us, sometimes we get into situations from which we can't extract ourselves and sometimes we find that we are overwhelmed too quickly to react.

Police Action
One of the most common occasions in which an adult meltdown is triggered is during police action. Unfortunately, this is probably the worst time for one to occur because violent or noisy outbursts are often met with both violence and legal action.

When the police are called in to deal with stressful situations such as domestic issues, car accidents or minor infractions, the adult aspie is already stressed.  As tension builds and they feel a meltdown looming, they will attempt to remove themselves from the situation.  Unfortunately, during police action, this ability and this "right" is significantly reduced. It's quite common for innocent aspies to run from the police and it's equally common for aspies to resort to violent outbursts in these situations.

It's probably important to let the police know that you have aspergers syndrome as early as possible and to ask to be able to talk in a less confrontational situation.  In some cases, "taking a ride downtown" might be a safer option than trying to discuss it at the scene of the issue.

The Restraint of Responsibility 
The restricted ability to remove oneself from a situation isn't just about the law however. Adults with aspergers can be restricted at home by spouses who invade their personal space leaving them with nowhere to retreat to.

Responsibility is also a very restrictive force. Consider the parent who takes their children to a play center only to discover that the noise levels and social anxiety are pushing them to the verge of a meltdown. It isn't simply a case of leaving because the kids can't be left alone in such a place.

Many parents with sensory difficulties normally avoid such places but when they're chosen by other parents as venues for children's parties, they often attend rather than deny their own children a chance to make friends.

Sometimes you have little choice but to put yourself in meltdown territory and hope that nothing tips you over the edge.

Next time: I want to look at how the rules of relationships need to change to accommodate the needs of meltdown-prone adults.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for this post! Ever since I have a child I feel the reponsibility really pressing down on me and I never had so many meltdowns as I have had the past 3 years of my son's life. During a meltdown I feel like I can't escape because I can't leave my son alone. I just HAVE to cope with the situation until my husband comes home from work. Raising a child isn't easy!

bjforshaw said...

So true. The urge to escape from stressful situations can conflict terribly with one's sense of responsibility. I can't handle confrontations because they are too stressful, but I also can't break my "behavioral rules". If escaping the confrontation would involve breaking a rule I'm trapped - and feeling trapped is stressful in itself. Only a short step from that to overload and meltdown. And people never seem to see the signs that I'm getting close to the edge.

Monkeyfoot said...

+1 here. I also have a 3 year old and it's been an incredibly difficult 3 years. I love my daughter to death, but usually try to leave activities outside the home with her to my wife. By staying as involved as possible at home I can avoid the meltdown territory mentioned in the post. However, why is it that children love to play with multiple toys at once that play different tunes, all while the radio is playing????

Justin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Justin said...

Having a child, especially one on the spectrum, makes life much more interesting for us adults on the spectrum. I just spent the weekend camping with my 6 year old son and a pack of scouts... also his first experience with scouts. It was an exercise in restraint for us both.

Anonymous said...

@bjforshaw: I hear ya!! People don't see my overload coming either and I don't seem to be clear enough about it.
@Monkeyfoot:toys with batteries and tunes are not alowed in my home :)!

Anonymous said...

Thanks. 15 yrs ago my daughter ran out of a psychiatrist's office. The Dr. said 'probably' Asperger's but the diagnosis was incomplete. She jumped out of the car that day and the issue wasn't pushed. Now 24 I am seeing the same 'meltdowns' I think she holds off until she sees me. I don't know where to go from here; it's a deadend. I feel badly (she thinks her reactions are within normal range) and I'm too tired to tolerate them. Any advice?

Jay W said...

Thank you very much for this post. I really appreciate that someone has taken the time to talk online about adults with Asperger Syndrome. I am generally 'taught' to believe that meltdowns are something that I've done wrong and therefore have to face retribution for. However my atitude is, and always has been, you would not charge me for damage caused by hurricanes? I have as much control over those as I do meltdowns. OK sometimes I can control them, but sometimes I really cannot control them at all. At those times anything I do is not enough to sate my anger. I have been arrested and charged with domestic abuse because my ex-girlfriend got me into such a meltdown state. Being placed in the cells did not help me at all - it actually made my meltdowns a lot worse and I was threatening people with rape of people close to them, and with murder. I look back now and am shocked that I would have even came out with such things, but when I am in a meltdown stage, it is like I cannot help it. OK Imagine that you are controlling your emotions through an XBox game and someone unplugs the controller thus letting your emotions go on to auto-mode and do their own thing. This is what it can be like for me

Anonymous said...

"However my atitude is, and always has been, you would not charge me for damage caused by hurricanes?"

Yeah, shame on them for treating you like a human being instead of a weather pattern or wild animal.

Anonymous said...

"Being placed in the cells did not help me at all"

So what if it didn't help you? It helped your ex-girlfriend and whomever else you were threatening. That's the whole point of locking up people who threaten to hurt other people.

Sarahiously said...

Very insightful thankyou!

Anonymous said...

The reality is that nobody possesses the right to harm another human being. I have TWO children on the spectrum and suffer with Asperger's myself a SINGLE parent. The moment we provide ANYONE a liscence to harm another we have failed miserably. The HONEST truth is that if we cannot function safely in society, then there is a responsibility to remove ourselves(AND our children) from social settings. If you abuse women within the context of a committed relationship then YOU need to make the personal, HONEST self assessment and determination that you should NOT participate in such a relationship. The responsibility is ALL YOURS!! It is not the job of society to change the rules for you.

Hannah said...

Or if one is a female the adult meltdowns are inward to myself I become my own worse enemy. I end up cutting my arms legs body to hell and while melting down its at least 30 cuts or more 3 skin layers deep to fatty tissue many of them. Learning myself what triggers them has helped I have a list of the triggers. Sometimes new additions are added and I meltdown by myself or if I'm around people I'll verbally degrade myself or them. I'm quiet in command of language and can barb crass with cruel Easley. Without the use of foul language! No idea who could help me and I do so desperately want help but people.shrink away from me and that hurts.

Kaylee said...

Yes, of course -- OTHER people are responsible for your mektdowns. By coming too close to YOU, the other person is obvious responsible for triggering you.

"if you didn't make me so mad, I wouldn't have to hit you!"... Textbook language from theouth of the abuser!!

Anonymous said...

My aspie ex used to hit me during meltdowns...and always had just one thing to say. afterwards..." if u hadn't pushed me to it I wouldn't have hit you" Take it from a person who has suffered fractures, bruises, cuts, concussions for months on and only YOU are responsible for you behaviour. Injuring another person is inexcusable. N you are the only one to be blamed. Not your partner, not you child, not your pet, not your one but YOU.

Ashtamangala said...

To the anonymous Comment about an abusive Aspie ex-spouse:
When an Aspie feels a melt-down coming on, the best thing to do is to leave the presence of other people and find a place to be alone. I am non-violent during meltdowns, but if someone intrudes I will yell at them to "leave me alone!" It is important to differentiate between a Meltdown and a Shutdown. Some people in Shutdown do lose consciousness, however briefly. Most people injure themselves under those circumstances and don't strike out violently at others. I am curious whether your ex was also a substance abuser. The "blaming others" is not typical Aspie behavior, even when they are in extreme distress -- unless their request to be left alone was not respected. If the Aspie has nowhere to go, maybe the spouse and children could leave for a few hours? You didn't discuss what "triggered" these meltdowns. This seems a bit too violent for a meltdown and more like temper tantrums in children and adolescents. Did your ex have other co-morbid problems, like PTSD, for example?

Ernie CC Young de Herrera Jr. V.D.V. said...

I'm a single Aspie! I have one daughter! Her mother left us in 2002. A years later came back with a new boyfriend. Someone new to have coitus with.
we went to court in 2003 and because I am an Aspie and I don't reach their intellectual standards. My case worker betrayed me! If I were a female Aspie one might ask would it be the same out come as it is that I am a male Aspie?

I love! And love is a very strong word!!! I love my "daughter!" With all heart and being! That truly makes absolute sense to me! For ten years now I have met heartaches and defeats on a new level! For the fourth time my daughters mother, is threatening to to terminate my parental rights! For No good reason. My daughter is well! Very smart! Brilliant so far at math. Taught her to read and I taught her math at the of 3! I also showed her the mathematical equation of sports such as her favorite, soccer!!! She is my lil Einstein and my favorite FUTBOL player!!!!!!! My daughter is 13 years of age. Is anyone familiar with Parental Alienation Syndrome? I do, I have dealt with the narcissism of my daughters mother! Not to talk badly!!! We all have this human flaw! The motheris Alienating me.from my daughter, and doing everything to sabotage my relationship with our daughter. This is attempt No.#4! The neurotypical mother I might add! Is continuing to sever my relationship by ingratiating the judge, with my mental health. My lawyer and case worker/advocate allowed them to get my medical history.. Violating my human rights. Not mention the hypa law! I will have to spell check I believe it is hypa!
If anyone reads this! Can you help me? I have court September 20 2012. I'm tired of being bullied! I love my daughter!!!!!!! I'm a good Papa to her! I love her with my heart! My meltdown status is very current! Repetitive reactions, stressed, over stimulation. I would it if I could see everything wrong inside! Like a toy or a car! You can just fix it! Please, fellow Aspie brothers and sisters can you as neurotypical siblings or close friends would say, " can you help a brother out?

Cordially, Ernie Ccamvega Young de Herrera Jr. V.D.V.

Ernie CC Young de Herrera Jr. V.D.V. said...

I'm a single Aspie! I have one daughter! Her mother left us in 2002. A years later came back with a new boyfriend. Someone new to have coitus with.
we went to court in 2003 and because I am an Aspie and I don't reach their intellectual standards. My case worker betrayed me! If I were a female Aspie one might ask would it be the same out come as it is that I am a male Aspie?

I love! And love is a very strong word!!! I love my "daughter!" With all heart and being! That truly makes absolute sense to me! For ten years now I have met heartaches and defeats on a new level! For the fourth time my daughters mother, is threatening to to terminate my parental rights! For No good reason. My daughter is well! Very smart! Brilliant so far at math. Taught her to read and I taught her math at the of 3! I also showed her the mathematical equation of sports such as her favorite, soccer!!! She is my lil Einstein and my favorite FUTBOL player!!!!!!! My daughter is 13 years of age. Is anyone familiar with Parental Alienation Syndrome? I do, I have dealt with the narcissism of my daughters mother! Not to talk badly!!! We all have this human flaw! The motheris Alienating me.from my daughter, and doing everything to sabotage my relationship with our daughter. This is attempt No.#4! The neurotypical mother I might add! Is continuing to sever my relationship by ingratiating the judge, with my mental health. My lawyer and case worker/advocate allowed them to get my medical history.. Violating my human rights. Not mention the hypa law! I will have to spell check I believe it is hypa!
If anyone reads this! Can you help me? I have court September 20 2012. I'm tired of being bullied! I love my daughter!!!!!!! I'm a good Papa to her! I love her with my heart! My meltdown status is very current! Repetitive reactions, stressed, over stimulation. I would it if I could see everything wrong inside! Like a toy or a car! You can just fix it! Please, fellow Aspie brothers and sisters can you as neurotypical siblings or close friends would say, " can you help a brother out?

Cordially, Ernie Ccamvega Young de Herrera Jr. V.D.V.

Anonymous said...

To Ashtamangla: the most common trigger for his meltdown for having a different opinion from his. Let me give you an example: there was a new boss who had joined our team. He was also my ex's boss in his previous firm & my ex regarded him as his mentor. When the boss joined my firm he invited the team along with their spouses/fiances/life partners for dinner and drinks, his purpose being to get to know the team. During dinner he addressed his team and said " nobody is indispensible. No matter how good you are at work, none of you should make the mistake of thinking you are indispensable" now you can imagine that didn't sit well with the team...hearing a comment like that from your new boss. So on our way home when we were discussing how the dinner went I remarked saying that was not the wisest thing for the boss to have said. He lashed out at, slapping me, hitting ,me right there, in the car, saying how dare you say that. He is my mentor. His comment is not wrong. You dare not say anything wrong about him. Now i know the team didnt like it. I am part of that team. I thought the comment by the boss was not the most appropriate thing to say at a team dinner. Now what would you have me do ? Jump out of a moving vehicle so the aspie can have his space ????!!!!! Get real !! And for what??? Having a different opinion from his about a subjective comment ??!! And what does my ex say the morning after..."you pushed me to that by saying boss is wrong when I know he is not wrong in what he said" it is always the other person to be blamed for pushing the aspie into a state of violent meltdown. It is never his fault. Come on...get real. There is no excuse for hitting someone for having a different opinion. If an aspie can't handle the fact that other people will have differing opinions on various matters it not the other person's fault. The aspire alone is responsible for his inflexibility. You can't hit someone. No matter what. Period.

Anonymous said...

According to

"[men who batter women, men who rape women, and other men on a dominance trip over women] depend on others to make excuses for them, to say they didn't mean it that way or to claim that maybe they really don't know what they're doing or claim that they just lost their temper or that it's just a joke."

Ashtamangala said...

As is evident, it is as much or more stressful BEING an adult with Aspergers as it is having and raising a child with or without Aspergers or simply EXISTING as an adult with Aspergers and living day to day in a world that is often stressful.

I made a decision NOT to have a child due to the fear that they would if not inherit, "learn" from me the social phobia, the different ways of perceiving things, the melt downs, etc. It has been difficult enough to cope with being visit this upon a child? I lacked the courage to make the attempt.

I TELL people when I am hitting overload and some do not listen. A few are even sadistic and deliberately continue ridiculing or criticizing me (these are the people I turn away from forever). I will not get violent. I will not tolerate violence against me.

I feel honest empathy for those on the spectrum who are raising children and remain responsible. For you I have great admiration! Thank you for staying with your child or children in spite of your pain, which I know only too well. My mother was NT and abandoned me to my abusive father (an Aspie alcoholic w/PTSD). She was self-centered & didn't seem interested in trying to understand me. To her, I was just a burden. She left me to raise my own father, who was a destroyed man. I was a little girl, seven years old, being punished for all the wrongs of war and the wrongs this woman had done. So again, I thank you Aspies who are kind, loving and patient with your children and do not desert them or what is best in yourselves.

Ashtamangala said...

To Sept 5 comment from Anonymous. This behavior is absolutely unacceptable and outrageous! I am questioning whether the diagnosis of "Aspie" is correct & whether ASPD is not more appropriate for this man! The sudden "lashing out without warning"..most Aspies DO give indication that they are upset and do NOT corner others or "trap them" in situations that are very dangerous or impossible to exit safely. Your EX is one of the strangest Aspies I've ever heard of! I am an Aspie and I am non-violent and will not accept violent treatment from others!

You have the RIGHT to a differing opinion and NO ONE has the right to do physical harm to you! In this you have my complete and total support! I was just amazed that an Aspie would behave so sadistically, so abruptly! I thought..maybe there is some sort of communication problem, here? NO! There is NO communication problem here! Your EX is someone you should stay away from! Get a transfer to another part of the company and a restraining order! What reason do you have to continue seeing him outside of work, at all?

The "Boss"sounds like someone from MSFT...I worked there and very much disliked this SAME attitude (it is an old LIE intended to devalue each individual member of a "team" NOT believe it!). This "Aspie" is your EX? What reason, other than time at work together, do you have to spend ANY time alone in his company? HE HAS NO CONSCIENCE! He beats you up and blames YOU because you expressed a difference of opinion?!? What happens when he KILLS you or one of your pets? I did not understand before...I do NOW. Aspies may sometimes have low Empathy, but they are not lacking in a sense of right and wrong. Your EX cannot see what is right and what is wrong. I will ask again about substance abuse and also question the diagnosis of "Aspie." He behaves like a PREDATOR. Please protect yourself from him NOW. Speak with a lawyer, police, your family, close friends (who will NOT speak to him), Doctors. Get AWAY from him. Do you happen to know who formally diagnosed him? I question the sanity and skill of this Doctor!

Ashtamangala said...

In response to Anonymous' comment of 8/12/12

These men who abuse may count on others to apologize for them, but there ARE no apologies and NO excuses. I do not care WHAT a woman SAYS or the tone or voice she uses. TO slap her. to punch her, to kick her, grab her and slam her into walls, trap her in a corner and shove her back when she attempts to go by, trip her so she stumbles and falls, act as if you're being a gentleman and then deliberately HIT her with the arm of a chair while you sarcastically "apologize" and your idiot friends laugh. There ARE no excuses. There ARE no apologies. AND you are in all likelihood NOT men with Aspergers Syndrome. Aspies know the difference between right and wrong, even when they have low Empathy. Whoever formally diagnosed a brutal, sadistic man as an "Aspie" when this man didn't clearly have other co-morbid issues and problems with substance abuse didn't do such a great job and a second opinion is definitely called for before some long-suffering woman DIES because you made a bad judgement call and allowed a Psychopath to masquerade as a person with Aspergers. Brutality is NEVER a joke. Melt downs do NOT involve adults suddenly and without warning lashing out and beating women who are TRAPPED and cannot escape their tormentor because they stated in a non-confrontational way a difference of opinion. Any man who tells you he is an Aspie and behaves like this to you is a LIAR. You call police, get yourself, children, pets, to a safe place, talk to a lawyer, get a restraining order and NEVER have anything to do with this maniac again! This is not, I repeat, NOT, the way an adult person with Aspergers behaves! I am an Aspie! Aspies are not predatory people who enjoy doing harm to others! ASPD is not the same as ASPERGERS. Aspies with substance abuse disorders and co-morbid problems need additional professional help! DO NOT REMAIN WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE PHYSICALLY HARMING YOU!

Anonymous said...

I had a melt down at home after a long period of stress. I don't remember exactly what happened. I was sure that PVC had not been invented. This meant that my mum could not use the phone. The logic was that the phone cables could not have been made with out plastic insulation . The fact that my Mum was trying to contact the local crises team seemed a impossibility so I insisted she couldn't . Eventually the Police escorted me to this unit and I was not happy . I felt I was being kidnapped . I was sectioned as I refused help. While in the hospital I got into trouble for switching of all of the tv sets. With out PVC they shouldn't be working . I received a diagnosis of aspergers syndrome and acute stress. This has happened before. My physciatrist told me that I exhibit phscofrenic like symptoms but i don't have phscofrenia. I am dyslexic . I am aware that under stress I tend to retreat into a fantasy world. I have spent a night in a police cell . I like their humour as their was a sign saying it was illegal to write graffittee on the walls! I have never been able to get a job and even voluntary work proves stressfull. I am LGBT probably GB though I have only ever had a girl friend . I don't like kissing so it was difficult showing emotions. I have only been diagnosed a few months . This is just how my life is . I would like a relationship but I like being single. Not being sure about GB complicates matters . I'm called David.

Anonymous said...

"These men who abuse may count on others to apologize for them, but there ARE no apologies and NO excuses."

My point exactly!

You might like this link too - it's a cool metaphor:

Hershele Ostropoler says:
August 4, 2012 at 12:30 am

"If you step on my foot, you need to get off my foot.

"If you step on my foot without meaning to, you need to get off my foot.

"If you step on my foot without realizing it, you need to get off my foot.

"If everyone in your culture steps on feet, your culture is horrible, and you need to get off my foot.

"If you have foot-stepping disease, and it makes you unaware you're stepping on feet, you need to get off my foot. If an event has rules designed to keep people from stepping on feet, you need to follow them. If you think that even with the rules, you won't be able to avoid stepping on people's feet, absent yourself from the event until you work something out.

"If you're a serial foot-stepper, and you feel you're entitled to step on people's feet because you're just that awesome and they're not really people anyway, you're a bad person and you don't get to use any of those excuses, limited as they are. And moreover, you need to get off my foot.

"See, that's why I don't get the focus on classifying harassers and figuring out their motives. The victims are just as harassed either way."

Jean said...

@ Ernie CC Young de Herrera Jr. V.D.V. - No, not because you are a male aspie. I am an aspie mother who lost both her children to their father.

I love my children more than anything or anyone. That doesn't make people see me as a good mother. Love isn't enough.

The stresses of working and sensory issues makes being a parent incredibly hard.

Through a lot of personal growth and evaluation, I have come to understand myself and what is best for my children. As much as my heart screams I want them with me 24-7... reality doesn't play out that way. My needs and behaviors yields a different reality.

I miss them. Oh how I miss them.

Anonymous said...

What to do when your Aspie child refuses to talk to you after ameltdown for days.

Anonymous said...

"Sometimes you have little choice but to put yourself in meltdown territory and hope that nothing tips you over the edge"

>>>THIS<<< As an adult female aspie in a 30-year relationship - I am forced to attend family get-togethers, wedddings, bridal showers, etc. - although I have grown fond of his family over the years, I never want to attend this gatherings, because I know I am a ticking time bomb, and those one or two people in his family that I absolutely CANNOT STAND, will be there, and will be sure to annoy the living hell out of me. I have had many, many, close calls and barely-deferred meltdowns over the years, and they are always AWFUL and so stressful to endure. I feel SO MUCH like a trapped animal at these events. Aspergers can be both heaven (when I'm alone and in a "safe" environment, feel an absolute joy and sense of well-being, that I can't imagine NT's would understand) and pure hell on Earth. ~ 46 y/o female Aspie

Anonymous said...

I'm tired of NT women! Always making it sound like I'm stupid. I see all things in the Matrix for the way it is, not How I want to see! Everything proper comes with logical guide. It's as if NT women and well NT's in general need us to continuously parrot back what things really are. For instance the proper meaning of GAY in English is happy, right? well NT's define it's true meaning to something it has never meant. (homosexual) like Fag means cigarette not (homosexual) and they use B*tch to describe human women who are either mean, nasty or cruel. It means female dog really, you NT women that refer to the word used to describe a female dog, are being called or even calling yourselves and other females b*tches even homosexual's. Misrepresentation is the worst.

I can't stand it! I want finally female of my own species! People hate me! Some cry Cause they say there stupid! And when I tell them That's no reason to cry! For instance one cries because their sad! And I'm sad because other's are stupid.
They don't get my sadness and the trouble I've seen, And none of them know my sorrows. And they certainly don't understand I'm trying to help them.

I've learn that I can't! So what do I do now? I want a wife, best friend, companion! Friends that love me and my daughter. O bother!

This is Ernie Young de Herrera Jr. Till then have a nice day!

Ashtamangala said...

First, let me establish the fact that I am not at all representative of the NT female upon which your complaint is based. I am an Aspie female, formally diagnosed and I find your complaint somewhat strange and more than a little bit bigoted.

To express a blanket condemnation of ANY group of people within society is your right, but it is also MY right to disagree with a blanket condemnation of all women who are Neurotypical.

It arouses my suspicions when people speak or describe things in terms of absolutes: rarely does a person "always" or "never" act in the same way repeatedly.

I'm uncertain what you mean by "everything proper comes with (a) logical guide", because I've not found this to be true. The meaning of MANY words within various cultures have changed over years and decades and you've chosen some very provocative examples when there are many more that illustrate the point without possibly upsetting anyone. "Dog" became an expression that meant much more than man's best friend and was sometimes positive.

There was a time when calling a person a "mudsill" was considered a terrible insult, but it is still a fundamental part of construction.

No one can reach inside of you and make you feel stupid, unless you agree with them. If you do not believe you are stupid, no one can convince you that you are.

As for your species, what is it? You are saying you are a human being with Asperger's. I am writing in response to what you've written and I am a female human being with Asperger's (and ADHD and PTSD).

Do you really believe that EVERYONE hates you or are you afraid to give people a chance to know you? Have you seen a counselor and talked about the way you feel?

There are a LOT of people in the world and to be writing that billions of people you have not even met hate you... that's judging yourself and others pretty harshly, imo. You've just gotten through the holidays... these are tough times. Get professional help. Be honest with your counselor and with yourself.

All you want is all MOST of us wants: to be happy, to be loved and to be accepted. This might seem very simple from our point of view; very often it is not at all simple. We think we see ourselves as we are and often we don't. That is what makes a good counselor so important.

Being an Aspie does not guarantee that one will get along with another Aspie. Regardless of how upset I become, I am non-violent. I will not tolerate threats or "hate speech".

If I were to meet a man with Asperger's who behaved violently in my presence or who was abusive with me or anyone else, I'd be unable to remain in close proximity to this man and I'd do everything within the law to remove any other person he might hurt to a place of safety.

So, knowing this, is ii only NT women who are a problem for you? Have you managed to have a successful relationship with a woman who has Asperger's? You say you have a daughter. By condemning yourself as "stupid", what sort of message do you think she is getting from this?

Ashtamangala said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Ms. Ashtamangala

First of all! " My Autism Asperger's Syndrome is a Nuerological Disorder!" If you have (AS) a (HFA) you would know that."

Autism is not a mental illness!
Ptsd, depression, bipolar, is a mental illness. These I do not have. As (A) true Aspie! My inheritance comes from my father on his side of the family. I don't know How I can or could make myself much clearer to anyone including you! As you have taken my personal feelings toward the issues I've had to endure with nuerotypical females or NT's in general, offensive to you yourself! I'am So Sorry! Bazinga!!! I'm really not!!!
If I say peanut butter! do I mean peanut butter in some other way? Of course not! It (is) just peanut butter! Literally okay?

And I take things literally for what they are!!! I don't see this or that the way I want to!
But it is very obvious that you see what you want to see, as they say: "Everything is black and white with you!" Aspies do not see your point of view if you see things the way the Nuerotypical world dose. If your an Aspie! Why would you be affended? Your comments seem to be of the hurtful intent. I detect, that you may feel superiority by adding and adding your own feelings. As an Aspie! born into a Nuerotypical world. From the time of my youth! To comprehend the meaning of feelings and emotions to be in dire need of any closeness to people has s always alluded me! Now material objects, I have more of a bond with than any human. I did not cry, or show emotion. I explored by running away. I taught myself to read at the age of 3. And by four, I knew How to multiply by 12's. I got beat up for correcting people, as they had no clue of the way things should be. For example: "I was told to go to hell. I corrected the individual for using a word he did not understand! Thus telling him what the meaning of hell actually is."

Hell means: "The common grave of mankind. Not a literal place of fire and torment. Job, Jesus and all who have died and will die, are going to the common grave of man kind! The Hebrew word (Sheol) the Greek word (Haides) and the English word (Hell) all mean the samething! "THE COMMON GRAVE OF MANKIND." The proper word he should have used to describe what he was saying to me, is (Gehenna). Means everlasting destruction, burned in the fire, gone forever. You'll never live again!!! you are no more!!!
Well, then, this other individual says to me: "He is actually telling you to just shut up!
my comment after words again corrected him as I then said: " why didn't you just ask me nicely to stop talking or to keep quiet, shut up? "I understand English! dont you?" That did not end well.
Or if someone cries and says they are stupid. I wouldn't cry because I did not know something! I would learn it! And then parrot it back to other's to help them! Even though at my expense I'am bullied, treated with disdain and contempt.
I'm going to try to help you understand.
A person saying they are stupid isn't a reason to cry! One cries because one is sad! For example: "I cry because other's are stupid, and that makes me sad!
If you Ms..Ashtamangala think you are "A" true Aspie through and through! Then why would you not understand the words I posted?
Another example: "Why would an Aspie say formally diagnosed? If you are! Then you always have been, since you came into the world! And when you just became diagnosed you wouldn't
say: "O now I have a Form of Autism, or, I have Asperger's Syndrome NOW!
O FYI!.For someone like you who has ADHD and PTSD, and !!!NO!!! NOT AUTISM!!! Don't "YOU" need a counselor or Therapist, phsyciatrist? Because, I certainly don't!!! And I'm not crazy!!! My family had me tested! I have an IQ. of 175! And things I should know that are beneficial in this world I do know!

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Now I have helped you and thoroughly corrected you!!!

A Female Aspie is what I want, because the world has no place still for the different and brilliant a like.

My experience is, as mi abuelita says: "Mijo like speaks to like, stick with your own kind!"

See my Dr. reccomends that I do So, and I intend to. I want to be loved by my own kind A nice beautiful Female Aspie! It is only, logical that I find a Female Aspie counter part. What is it to you? If you can't understand well I forbid you to post on my posts!!! After all, if you do not understand what I'am saying and you have an uncertainty of my words, And you not capable of inquiring of what I mean, before you judge me, then your words are vain and pitiful at best! There is no welcome here!!! There is no room for an attack on me for posting my thoughts! That is who I'am! What is my life to you? You are confused by me! How i s it you could ever be an Aspie of our kind! Obviously, we are segregated and not of Nuerotypical origin! You would challenge that? A blind human being, is
neither Nuerotypical or Autistic! So How can you judge our kind! "We are Aspies!" We are happy that is what we are and I was born Autistic, an Aspie you weren't, Right? Because you just all of a sudden became an Aspie. Huh! You are !!!NOT!!! YOU ARE an N.T.F. So How dare you, bully us because we don't fit to your liking you are Autistic, Aspie!

Ernie Young de Herrera

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Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Ms.Ashtamangala I want to apologize, for becoming irritated with you!

And for giving harsh correction, I was upset by your snide remarks and decided to set you straight, for it did not make sense that you would make comments as you did. And it still doesn't. I need not to worry myself with your irrational comments! I will tell you, I realize as someone who is struggling with other's impositions against me. That I do not understand! Why do other's issues with me affect me? Their issues aren't mine to bare.

But none the less, I'am trying harder than ever to be A Christian, Christ like. my own Imperfections, I apologize again!!! Please, accept my gesture as an act of humility, even though I at times may struggle to find it with in myself!

Ernie Young de Herrera

Gavin Bollard said...

Just a reminder to keep things on topic and steer away from personal attacks.

All people with Asperger's syndrome are different and even the diagnostic criteria is far from complete particularly in terms of women.

Anonymous said...

My 63yo AS husband had a meltdown yesterday because I didn't eat the oatmeal he had fixed for me. I wanted to eat something else. He screamed at me and said he was mad because I didn't tell him sooner so he would have made one serving.
The first time this happened over my saying I would fix something for dinner in the AM and later said I didn't feel up to it. He screamed at me and went out for pizza. He says he cannot trust me anymore. I am making him angry.
I think I have tolerated these and other meltdowns too long.
I really do not feel the same about him as I once did.

Ernie Cc Young de Herrera Jr V.D.V. said...

Hey you went into this knowing he needs you to not be lax with him! He obviously loves you … isn't it the simplest thing for you to remember that he hasn't changed... because we don't like change. But if there is, like your husband! You need to continue to be understanding and up front a head of time. Because … simply put, it's not him that's changed! But you! And butting head with him because you think controlling him is fare, isn't! You weren't born this way! It's by no fault of his! You should of thought about that along time ago …! All you need to do is remember why you fell in love with him in the first place! Think about his feelings!!! Your nuerotypical … He's not! Love him for who He's always been especially since He's your husband! You should know better. I hope you take my word's the right way! I'm an Aspie to! I'm harmless! But just cause I have a meltdown, dose not mean I'm abnormal or crazy or as mean person. 10 out 10 time's when are careless when you change something or don't appreciate something he did for you …! He'll have a meltdown because you are not acting the.same all of the time, when you absolutely need to!!! He would do it for you if the shoe was on the other foot! There are no double standards here. He's an Aspie! You should know better!!!

Ernie Cc Young de Herrera Jr V.D.V. said...

To Mrs. Ashtamangala

Clearly when you didn't understand when I said: Everything proper comes with a logical guide! You know nothing about Euclid! Euclid's, axciums and common notions. Euclid's 1st common notion is this! Thing's which are the same or that equal to the same thing, are equal to each other. This is a rule of mathematical reasoning, it's True!
Like Euclid said: This is self evident! So … I say again … and no! What I said: was not bigoted! Simpleton! to find a female Aspie because I need to be with someone like me is DUH! SELF EVIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thing's which are the same or equal to the same thing's are equal to each other! A rule of mathematical reasoning.

Don't assume please, it's not characteristic of a female Aspie k! Thank you,

Vanessa said...

My brother-in-law has at times played imaginary musical instruments during conversation. During a particularly stressful time recently, he started firing what looked like imaginary bows from and imaginary crossbow. I have never commented on this behaviour. Could this be stimming and could have Apergers? He has also displayed other unusual traits.

Anonymous said...

Dear Vanessa

I want you to know that each Aspie is different! No two are completely the same in who they are and where they are nuerologically.

Now if never diagnosed. Your brother in law is not known as to what criteria, or diagnosis would fit his behavioural traits. Therefore being considered undiagnosed and unknown.

Please, be encouraged to research the curiosty you have. One way to start would be finding books online or paper back. Online has a much broader and more detailed scope of the very specific traits and diagnosis of (AS) Asperger's Syndrome. (HFA) A Higher Functioning Autism. Vanessa there are many spectrum's of Autism. (AS) being the most High Functioning. Iam an Aspie! I like my Aspie kind are not [NT] which defines to Aspies, those who arent Autistic, and who understand the public society of today! There is nuerologically, no understanding to us... the way this very distraut and unorganized world works. as Aspies male and female, EVERYTHING haS to be literal and A matter of fact. Just to give you insight!

Vanessa ask Professional's in the field study of Autism, Dr.'s, psychiatrists. The scope of an affirmed confirmation is very fine. Fine line is criterialy adimit in discovery of true diagnosis whether Autistic, or not!

I hope all is well in your journey, if you so choose to make it one.

I appreciate your thought's, Ernie Cc. Young de Herrera V.D.V

Anonymous said...

I have a 23 yr old nf recently diagnosed with asp. He is mainly negetive. Worried about everything. He has ptsd as well. His melt downs seem to be happening every few days now. He has destroyed my self esteem in two yrs and caused me to fear hos rage fits. I am also dealing with ptsd for physical and mental abuse. I recently was informed he doesnt want to lose me and wants to marry. But i know this os not getting any easier. Friends and family tell me to leave him.
I know hes like a scared child inside. Ive met this side whenhes exausted after a huge meltdown. But every other day he is critical of everything i do. Controlling,demoralizing...hes called me every nasty mame i can think. Some times i think he has turrets.
Seriously tho. He thought he didnt need meds. But it is progressing to threats of damaging property. Hurting my dog. Trying to keep me away from friends and family. I just dont think the ends justify the means.
But i promised him i would never give up.

Miriam Peacock said...

I'am an AS sufferer, female. Has people around often call, they say that I have sudden outbursts & it has landed me in a lot of extreme situations, by lashing. Has I may be upset either my routine has been changed or I have been hit. I don't think that anyone gives peoples disabilities neither the person trapped inside, the opportunity to survive in the world today then.
Non-talking aspie.

Chad Ernie Young Jr. said...

I don't suffer from Something I was born with! I'am a male Aspie! What I suffer from is this Nuerotypical society this imperfect world that the majority of it's population is NTP Nuerotypical people. They cause more harm than good! Always changing thing's, they don't care how you feel or how the change effects you, as long as they get what they want. They call us crazy! I have an eidetic memory and an IQ. of 170. I'm not crazy, I was tested. And I suffer from being tired of a Nuerotypical society that could careless about anyone not like them.

Anonymous said...

My name is Ernie Young de Herrera... I don't suffer from Something I was born with! I'am a male Aspie! What I suffer from is this Nuerotypical society this imperfect world that the majority of it's population is NTP Nuerotypical people. They cause more harm than good! Always changing thing's, they don't care how you feel or how the change effects you, as long as they get what they want. They call us crazy! I have an eidetic memory and an IQ. of 170. I'm not crazy, I was tested. And I suffer from being tired of a Nuerotypical society that could careless about anyone not like them.

Anonymous said...

I am so frustrated that I cannot find anything about this: I was imprisoned and abused by my Aspergers Boyfriend (I have now left him and escaped). At first I thought he was just awkward and sweet and I had always been tols that people with ASD are not violent. But he would OFTEn have "meltdowns" like the sort you see on psych videos of low-functioning autistic children. He would not try to restrain himself, never learned how and didn't want to. If he was "triggered" to have a meltdown it was always my fault even if I could never have anticipated the trigger, not even a psychic could. He would have daily meltdowns about things I couldn't even understand. I tried to follow all his OCD rules and guess at what things would give him a meltdown--but it could be something as obscure as that a random circumstance reminded him of something unpleasant from years ago. He would hit himself, bang his head into the wall (once he even broke his own nose). All I could do would be try to physically restrain him. He was much bigger than me so I would try to get into a position where I could sit on him to stop him from breaking my things (like things my dead mother had give me, which he would trow and smash) or harming himself. He punched through walls, bruised his hands, hit himself in the face. If I tried to get to the phone or call the police it would just get worse. He would run after me shrieking like an insane person and star hitting me. He would hit and kick at random sometimes for hours and hours. He had no end to energy while I would be exhausted. Sometimes he would keep me awake for 24-48 hrs while he was in his mind "looping" as he called it, but if I made noise or tried to leave the house or begged to go to sleep or to be able to go get food or water he would start having a "meltdown". Every little thing had to be his way (even things I could not anticipate) or it would trigger this behavior. It seems to me he had lousy parents who never dealt with his Autism. But he would not get help for it either saying he didn't want to be "labeled" by a psychiatrist and that if NT people would just "comply" with his neuroticisms then everything would be fine. It was always seen as my fault when he would have a "meltdown" and if he broke things or hurt me or himself he would demand that I "fix" it or pay for it immediately so he didn't have to "look at" the damage. When he broke my fingers, beat me to the point of limping, his me in the ear givving me tinnitus, I had to pretend I was fine or he would start "melting down" again. Every forum I go on says that people with AS disorder are "not violent" and that I am being "prejudiced" but surely others have had this experience? If children with AS can't be controlled and will hit and kick without any concern for others then why do we think everyone outgrows this. Let me tell you a 200lb man having a "meltdown" who never learned restraint is a n ugly thing. I don't understand--I can't be the only person to have had an experience like this. I know not everyone with ASD is like this, but my experience can't be the only one?

Anonymous said...

What can I do for an A who will not seek his benefits, be diagnosed, and can't get a job? Just leave him?

Ricky Moore II said...

I have been dealing with undiagnosed (a combination of incompetence and a lack of resources) Aspergers, and 'meltdowns' have been a persistent part of my life. At this point it is not realistic for me to be employed or socially acceptable in general, and the constant pressure to be so anyway directly leads to these meltdowns and a worsening of the situation.

I am presently ready to commit suicide because social services and my family both feel unwilling or unable to provide me with any assistance, and my executive and emotional issues make me unable to manage the complex and confrontational process necessary to even have a chance of getting services. It is virtually impossible to find anyone willing or able to offer assistance, psychiatric hospitals and Vocational Rehabilitation proved of NO USE WHATSOEVER. Right now my options seem to be homelessness and suicide, therapy and psychiatric medications are having a negative effect if any.

Gavin Bollard said...


You only get one shot at life and that's it (depending on your religious views).

Even if you do believe in a "glorious afterlife", many religions make it clear that suicide does not result in you going to a good place.

Suicides fail quite frequently and can leave you in a much worse state than before - effectively rendering another attempt impossible while ensuring that your quality of life decreases significantly.

In short, suicide is not the answer. It never is.

I'm not sure where you reside but there has to be some kind of support that you're eligible for. You'll also need to put in a lot of effort yourself.

If you're feeling really suicidal, please contact your local telephone support services. They can help.

Anonymous said...

My aspie roomie shows no emotions at all...never gets angry or too happy either for that matter. He says, deadpan serious...that he has never hurt anyone and no one has ever hurt him.

I had to read 3/4 the way through all these posts to even figure out WHO everyone was talking about. But I'll tell u this.....aspergers means no emotions....and instead, their partners can get driven to a meltdown just trying to get some cooperative behavior from them...or some responsiveness. And I know I can "just leave" cause we are not married. Trouble is he will have no other caretaker so I am stuck here. And after having searched for years for any kind of caretaker support, I have given up. There is none. There is also apparently no "therapy" for aspie adults. They are here to try our souls, and I for one am hanging by a fraying thread for the trying.

Anonymous said...

Thank you everyone for your has made me feel less alone and helpless as I sit here on the floor, locked in my bathroom because I just couldn't stand one more minute of abuse from my probably AS boyfriend. The last month has been insane...he has not been officially diagnosed but we put all the pieces together recently after he finally resolved to stop his long term drug abuse. After being off the xanax, pain killers and dope, the symptoms became more clear. Only problem is that he probably needs to be on the very same medications (only at reasonable doses) that he has been abusing in the extreme. I've been trying to read up as much as I can but the last couple of weeks have been sheer hell for me...I'm trying to hold down a full time job and he is starting to interfere with it. Pick a subject--any subject and that will be the meltdown of the day. He will not listen even in a calm state to reason--he is verbally abusive and demanding and acting like a child. This week it has been about his feeding schedule. I'm supposed to come home at lunchtime to feed him and be home to feed him at some predetermined time in his head. He has a total meltdown if I dont put a plate of food in front of him at a certain time--which he never ate so regularly before--and cant seem to feed himself even though the whole house is literally stocked to the hilt with food and snacks. I went to the grocery on the way home and he called and texted me 42 times because he didnt have food in front of him at whatever time he imagined it should be...whatever I was getting at the store was not sufficient because I would have to cook it when I got home and that just wasnt fast enough. I cant stand this much longer. Im going to call the police and have him removed from my home if he does this to me one more time.

But thanks to all of you, I have calmed myself down...which will make it easier to deal with him. I'm just not equipped to deal with this and try to keep a job too. He needs help--and I need help dealing with him. What in the world can I do????

123xcharm said...

Wow...I am not sure if I feel better or worse for having googled "how to prevent asperger meltdowns". About a year ago, I met a man, we had a lot of things in common, and within a short amount of time, we were a couple. I began noticing things were quite confusing, but hung in there. Fast forward a year, and I figured out he has Aspergers, mainly because of his huge inability to recognize people. I thought he had some weird facial recognition disorder or something, but then saw this is common with Aspergers, and MAN...once I saw the list of traits, well, everything made sense.

The problem now is he appears to not want to accept the label. He see it as an "excuse" for the bad behavior. Also, he doesn't want to think of himself as being mentally handicapped. It made things better for me, to some degree, because I had another explanation for him being a total "jerk". But now...his abuse is getting worse actually. He is starting to resent me, everytime I try to help him, and say, don't beat yourself up, its Aspergers, not you. Well, as is typical with this disorder, it is always my fault if he starts having a meltdown. I simply cannot live with the demeaning verbal abuse. I am a patient person, but even I have my breaking point.

He pretty much refuses to remove himself, even when I realize it is coming, and ask him to go somewhere, so it doesn't escalate. I believe he is so miserable, that he wants to get it out so bad, that although he doesn't WANT to hurt me, he cannot help getting some relief. I love him very much, but he is 52, and I don't see much hope of him trying to change. I have tried encouraging him, fighting back, being his verbal punching bag is getting very old.

I realize there is probably nothing but heartache ahead if I stay, but somehow I keep hoping he will at least learn he MUST remove himself from me. And yes, I know I could be the one to remove myself, but then, I have to come back, don't I? His meltdowns are very violent. He pretty much begs, entices, and pushes my buttons so he can blow his top. Even as I am writing this, I am making myself ill by listening to myself complain.

I am just wanting tell me they HAVE found a way to make a relationship work. He has now started resenting me a lot. He is pulling away, although I know he really doesn't want to lose me, yet I think he believes it's just a matter of time anyway, and also, the messy reality of now knowing he will always be like this, he is starting to say things like "you need to leave me...I am a terrible person...yet, with the same breath, he begins saying I am even worse than he is. He is going to hell, but I am the devil. I believe he must bring me down to his level, in order for him to rationalize us being together. He is right...I am too good for him, but now because of the things he thinks, like beauty, talent, intelligence, charisma...I am better because I fight to get better and improve, and he just wants to do what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants, with no interference my me, or any one else for that matter.

I'm not even sure any of this is making sense anymore. I now wish I had not moved in with him so soon. And not because he has Aspergers, but more because he doesn't want to try to learn ways to deal and live with it WITHOUT beating me up.

Like I said, is there any hope, and if so, what do I do. I don't want to give up, yet at some level, I almost feel like he is so miserable being in a relationship with someone he thinks deserves better, he would almost rather deal with the sadness and regret of losing me, than to have to fight and battle to learn how to control or manage his aspergers. He threatened tonight to burn his house down, and shoot his brains out, if I left. Yet with the same breath almost, he says I am driving him insane, and I am nothing but torture for him. Does anyone have any advice?

Jen said...

I am an adult aspie. My 8 year old Aspie daughter has major attitude at the moment, and sets me off. My almost-4 year old son has autism, and his behaviours lately are very difficult. Couple that with friends changing plans and work "guilting" me into taking an extra shift when I was already teetering on overload, and you have me who just wants to sit in the corner and rock because I can't cope with anything else and STILL have to get through my son's therapies and spending quality time with both my kids.

Anonymous said...

I am pretty sure that someone I have known for a while in real life has revealed that he has Asperger's by "melting down" on Facebook, but not right in front of me, face to face. Twice he seems to have flown into a verbal rage when he over-interprets something I say on FB as though it is a personal attack on him. The first time he did it, he didn't communicate with me for months, but we got back on good terms. The second time was a few weeks ago and he let fly at me in the middle of a FB group chat about batteries! Others were shocked by his foul language towards me, but he just blocked us all so we couldn't deal with it. He won't communicate in any form and tells everyone he will never let us darken his doorstep again. There seems no way to get him to listen to anything, when learning about Asperger's may help make his life more tolerable. He has a well-paid job, his own home, 3 adult children but no genuine friends, although heaps of acquaintances who mostly treat him rather like a pet! Do you think there is any way to get him to listen to reason, as he is a lovely person when not melting down? If we knew his trigger topics we could try to avoid them and he might be able to steer us and him away from them.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if my partner's 35 yr old son is autistic or aspie but he abuses his mother and others when it suits him and has meltdowns often when he is 'stressed'. I have had 10 yrs of his 'carryons' but keep quiet as his mother is trying everything to help but he thinks everyone is against him. He feigns illness/injury, lies, threatens suicide etc. even said he'd like to kill me. Lately he has taken to sending many emails to his mother about what a bad life he has so thought I would put a couple in here if ok to get other's thoughts. We are in NZ.


I'm deteriorating fast. Lost my only contacts with the outside world [you, mum]. No one cares that I'm on the brink of taking action that
will terminate my life. I don't want to die but I can't go on living
like this. A little bit of kindness, hope & opportunity could have
saved me, I'm not asking for much, it didn't need to end like this.
I've just been locked into this narrow empty hopeless world by society
because of being on the autistic spectrum and developing depression,
anxiety, extreme low self-esteem and self-hatred etc. I've been
totally rejected and written off and left to rot in this hopeless
empty hell, totally alone, with only my soul destroying robotic job
for company. Nothing. Loosing my mind more and more everyday from the
hopelessness of this situation. I've becoming a zombie, fighting to
take care of the life sustaining routines [that's all I have the
strength to do now: feed myself and sleep]. I didn't imagine coming
into this world that a life could become so empty, hopeless & utterly
pointless. My deepest regret now in hindsight, is not taking my life
at sixteen, instead of struggling on for another 20 years, just to end
up like this. I can't believe now that I ever believed that things
could get better for me; that people would ever treat me any
differently or that I'd ever be able to do or achieve anything in this
life. Getting the job at Pac N' Save was a big turning point for me,
and dramatically demonstrated to me, how utterly hopeless my situation
is, and how little progress I've been able to make, in the important
areas that are holding me back in 20 years. Instead I seem to have
deteriorated. My will and belief in creating a better future for
myself has been utterly smothered. Instead of moving my life forward
I've gone backwards. I'm in the worst condition of my life socially,
psychologically & intellectually. I shouldn't be surprised given the
life that I've lived that I've ended up mad.No human being can endure
what I have, my inner-and outer struggle, indefinitely and not have
their psyche cave in and collapse. I'm buried under the rubble of my
collapsed mind. I can't see or breath.


Gavin Bollard said...

Anonymous NZ,

You need to get some social services involved because your partner's son has some serious depression issues.

If left unchecked these could become life threatening to him - or to people around him.

Depression is serious business and while many people act this way for attention, it's clear that in this case, the person has serious issues.

He would benefit from making contact with other people on the autism spectrum, is a good starting point as a forum but there should also be some local groups he can talk to.

Here are some local Autism NZ Support Groups

Anonymous said...

Hi Gavin,
Thanks for yr advice. Problem is he won’t see anyone, thinks they all got their degrees from a cereal packet etc. He rang on the weekend and his mother handed the phone to me and it was the first time I realized what she has put up with. He was totally out of control, raving, screaming, swearing, threatening etc. Hung up once then he said he was coming around (lives round the corner). We rang the police but he arrived first and I had to bite my tongue rather than trigger him. Police took him away to a mental health unit but they could not hold him so we got a taxi to take him home. This is a game changer as I am now involved and have been replying to his emails with selective responses to various statements he makes, hoping that a down to earth, logical, reasonable approach may help after other things have been tried, (incl. trying to expel possible evil spirit). He warned me not to come between him and his mum but I will protect her from this and may have to get a restraining order out. He has calmed down a bit now, says he is off to his doctor and if he says to go back for the psychiatrist appointment (which he flatly turned down) he would. I think it’s more lies and over the next few days will email him not to contact us again until he takes treatment and changes his attitude. The lady at mental health said he has a long history of not engaging with them and while we were all sitting there on Sunday he was a picture of an explosive volcano just holding it down because he has such a vehement disrespect for her and her profession. We are hoping it’s not the usual case where he has to commit serious violence before he’s forced to take treatment. He’s bigger than me and in the state I saw him probably has the strength of 3 so am wondering what type of weapons I can have at my disposal.

Gavin Bollard said...

No matter what happens, you must never engage an autistic adult who is in a meltdown state. It could cause him to be irresponsible.

From your description of the meltdown, this is clearly more than just Aspergers. There is almost certainly another mental issue at work here.

You need to talk to authorities away from the situation (ie: not in the middle or the aftermath of one) and determine what needs to happen in order for him to receive proper care.

There must be some conditions under which he can be required to attend help sessions.

Anonymous said...

I have AS, and was diagnosed just 3 years ago, after seeing a therapist due to some things my fiance pointed out to me, regarding my behaviors and thought processes. I cope with the world around me fairly well, and quite honestly most people and activities do not trigger meltdowns for me: mine are more emotional based, and tend to center around arguments that my fiance and I have, as he is the only one I "allow" in emotionally who is in a position to hurt me in that sense.

That said, the meltdown triggers are typically unintentional on his part, but my reasoning and logic as it is influenced by my AS tends to create problems where, in reality, there are none. After I have reached that point, I become so emotionally overstimulated, that I can no longer reason, and I tend to cry or lash out verbally, though I have never become abusive in any sense.

After a meltdown, I am able to look back on things that he has said to try and defuse the situation, but at the time it occurs, I am unable to process his explanations or any information that might "negate" the meltdown. Oftentimes, it is the way that something is worded, or how I interpret it (thanks to the literalism of AS,) that triggers an over emotional response, and thus the meltdown.

Not all AS individuals become abusive or physically violent with a meltdown. I do have my "down" times, and my fiance has recognized this and also does all he can to support and help me through them as well. For those who are upset that their spouse or significant other isn't understanding about the issues, I highly suggest involving them in your therapy or having them see a counselor with you, so that you can work together on your issues, and they can learn to have a better view of how you see the world, in addition to how they see it. It has taken my fiance and I the better part of our time together to come to an understanding about how I process things versus how he does, and how we can approach these subjects together and work together to minimize my issues from the AS when it comes to our relationship. Having someone willing to work with you, instead of expecting you to do it all by yourself, can make a world of difference.

Anonymous said...

I have not been formally diagnosed but I feel as if I've been dealing with this my entire life. It seems as the things that I enjoy, I lack the skills to master. The things I master with ease, I could really care less about. It has always been difficult to relate to others socially and have become a pariah by my own inability to connect to others. It is like being stuck on an island and having a cruise ship roll by and when you scream for help the people aboard the ship ignore you because they think you're telling them to leave you alone. If I were to manage to get them to stop, they would throw me overboard because of my wonderful ability to analyze and slowly pick them to pieces. I'd gladly just shut my mouth but that function tends to be overridden by the need for stimulus. It sucks.

Anon said...

Can anyone tell me how to get formally diagnosed as an adult? I am struggling desperately with my 6 yr old son and can too easy melt down, and he cops it. Thankfully, he gets it and just comforts me until it's over. But I don't want this to be his memories of his childhood. I live in Melbourne.

jx rx said...

hi. well may i say i feel so bad for you....i almost sent my fiance to jail once for slightly hurting me....but i didnt cause i realized i could easily be in his shoes...i have bipolar and boarderline personality i have episodes too...can you believe it two people so socially awkward,not understood by almost anybody, fineally finding each other?! nurotypicals are the crazy ones to us!! i was just trying to learn more about his meltdowns, so i wont be so confused....or scared....

jx rx said...

i can also understand about the hurricane anology.... when i have an episode i feel justified in the way i have over the top emotions i exsuede...anger, pain, violent...but i have made progress... im 32, and no longer physcailly attacking loved ones...only verbally still hard to love sometimes, but i feel like im trying my best, and it wont be enough for some but at least i try....

jx rx said...

people who have meltdowns or episodes have almost no control over theyer actions!!! shame on you for shaming us...

jx rx said...

ok, well they souldnt lock up the mentally ill in jail for being sick, really, i mean wtf?! take an aspie during a meltdown to a mental hospital, where they will be safe and so will anyone else....would you want to go to jail cause youre diabetic?! ass...

jx rx said...

some people havent had any treatment for their issues, or very little, its like asking a two year old to do algerbra, they can try, but unless theyve been taught how, theyll never get it...

jx rx said...

wow i am so sorry....get a counsiler to help w self harm first then aspergers....the aspergers wont kill you but self harm might not even mean to and accidently off yourself....remember, i tell this to myself too, no one wants to be around the monster, and also remember, you are not a monster, but a human, a sick human....

jx rx said...

my fiance has attacked me before, a few times, but i know hes not an abuser...first off abusers always say sorry that theyll never do it again, he straight up told me he cant say it will ever stop, but heres the big differance abusers abuse cause of control and past pain, he meltsdown cause of stress, and its not always violent, hardly ever... ive just changed my violent episodes over time to be almost non existant, but sometimes i just cant stop a violent impulse...but no one can 100% of the time

jx rx said...

true no one should ever be hit by a loved one, but people w aspergers or boaderline personality have little to no control of their extreme emotions... id be like telling your dog to stop growling at other dogs but never training him on how to counsiling means less w any mental illness...

jx rx said...

sorry if i keep saying illness about aspergers, im still figuring this all mentally ill, thats why i keep calling it an illness,sorry no disrespect ment.....

jx rx said...

ernie young calm down, she probally got diegnosed aspergers til they took her iq and realized shes just autistic,lol she did sound alittle too hurt by your comments, and for her not to feel an overwelming sense of being differant, then she never has been....find yourself a woman with mental illness, theres lots of us out there who will understand you better than NTs.....

jx rx said...

even people who know about the situations can have a hard time knowing its not about them, when the meltdown or episodes happen, the person isnt really mad at you, they are mad at a situation, and the other person might get blamed, just cause the one exploding needs to put the feelings to a place and youve made yourself a target....please dont leave a long im assuming loving marriage cause its hard loving someone who has problems, til death do we part mean anything to you? you know you still care or you wouldnt be on here telling us your story...

jx rx said...

well how much do you love him? i love my aspie fiance, and hes scared me and attacked me, but i know thats a part of him, like my boarderline personality disorders episodes, and he weathers the storm of mine and i weather the storm of his,mine last hours at a basic high level of screaming, blameing, anger and hurt...his are fast, loud and sometimes violent, one of us might really hurt each other one day, but i love him so much i just pray he'll never realize im sicker than him and leave me....

jx rx said...

ricky moore, dont do it!! its hard trying to get the help you need sometimes, sometimes the help doesnt even work, due to someone thinking they know your problem, and trying to fix something you dont have, it can feel like its pointless...ive found if you talk to people honestly and openly you get the best help....

jx rx said...

dont stay w someone just cause they will..."have no caretaker" aspie adults are smart enough people to take care of themselves, sometimes feeling better alone, at least they dont have to deal w a NT woman having an episode cause she doesnt feel human emotions from him, he has aspergers!!! doesnt mean they dont have feelings, they just dont know how to show them!!!leave him now before he thinks you love him...

jx rx said...

diegnoses and counsiling, na or aa too....ive noticed in my dealings w aspies that addiction is a common theme, not cause their dumb and just wanna get high, but the reason most addicts use, to tolerate the awful world that they dont understand or feel part of... the three aspie men ive meet have similarities, but are still three very differant people...and in this world if youre differant your riddliculed or torn down for just for being you...ive been differant my whole life too, mental illness is my game, its all i know how to play.and it took me years and a failed marriage to realize, the things im doing are going to drive anyone crazy enough to give me a chance away... so im working on myself, wout a counsiler (cause theyve never helped me), changing what i dont like about me....i call my episodes now, the monster...btw im not an aspie, but my aspie fiance thinks i might be pdd nos, or thats what is closest to me, the repeative movements, the episodes, socially always offending people, and have a small repiture of emotions, my iq isnt like mr.angry aspie of 170 but im about alittle above avaerage....i cant imagin having a 170 iq, i bet id be miserable, cause im already intellegent enough to see how awful the world is for people who are differant...and no one has mentioned how hard it is for gay or bi aspies!!!! crazy hard!!!

jx rx said...

get him help, instatutionalize him and get him help, hes suffering just as much as fiance has gotten some, not alot, of counsiling for aspergers...says it helps him act more like a real person, even if sometimes he has to fake it....

Anonymous said...

I agree 100% my daughter does not understand personal space, I obviously understand logically a four year old does not grasp this concept, I allow her to climb all over me but it's like a switch it flicked and I snap and scream at her to get off of me or if I hyper focus on something and she repetitiously calls out to me I snap and instantly my mom or sister are yelling at me like I have any control I just snap, altercations make me very aggressive and louder than I should be I was sent to an alternative school because they thought I was a trouble child even now I'm 20 and I've opened car doors going 60 because of arguments and stress I've destroyed rooms looking for objects because of displacement I've freaked out because my mom touches my things and moved them and I'm treated like a crazy person no one respects that it is hard for someone like me doesn't help I have 0 copping mechanisms

Anonymous said...

Finding out I had Asperger's (now Autistic Spectrum Disorder?), I have been able to understand and lessen my meltdowns. However, I still find having them if I am tired, and/or overly stressed. I just want to cry, run, hit myself, throwing things. I feel like what David (Bruce) Banner must feel like trying not to become the hulk. If it loose control even to small degrees, I always feel like a failure and foolish afterwards. I just want to stay in control. I don't want people to see that side of me. How can you explain to nero-typical people why you are acting this way? How can you show people at work you deserve a promotion when you lose control? I'm just so angry at myself.

Gavin Bollard said...

Unfortunately, losing control at work is the fastest way to get yourself onto a "do not promote" list. The workplace should, in theory be one of the better controlled environments in your life.

If it isn't, then perhaps it's not a good place for you to work (ie: too stressful). You need to work on identifying your triggers and your discomforts.

If your trigger is a person, you might want to request a transfer to a branch or position away from the problem individual. Don't use that as your reason for a transfer though.

kerry said...

My son who is soon to turn thirty has asphergus and he is not aware. he still lives at home and helps by playing an active part on his brother and sisters life. We had a falling out about seven years ago and since then he doesn't talk to me anymore unless I ring home at work or his cell phone. so I have had seven years of the silent treatment from him, I just carry on talking to him. My daughter of fifteen has chronic fatigue syndrome so my life is very hard work considering I am single. Having met his father again just recently it is so clear he got this from him. neither of them can do small talk, not very social, the one saving grace is he has a great job and he has been there for eight years. it does upset me that he doesn't talk to me, but only he can change this.

Mister C F said...

Look what I have done so bad vibes! Guess what! I am a monster for pushing my teacher and slapping her face as bad karma rises because I have meltdown, hot temper and panic attacks to say sorry to ny teacher. I hate Unilab. Good riddance to bad rubbish.