Skip to main content

He doesn't look autistic to me...

He doesn't look autistic to me... 

It's a phrase that every parent of a child on the autism spectrum dreads. Apparently it's meant as a compliment but in reality it's a fairly impressive bit of “multiple insulting“.

Disclaimer: Nick Cage doesn't necessarily have autism but I used this photo because it has the right kind of "weird face" required to match the offending phrase.

Why is this so insulting?

On the one hand,  it's insulting to all people with autism because it suggests that all children with autism can be identified by presumably defective physical traits making them “inferior” to their neurotypical counterparts in yet another way.

On the other hand, it's insulting to the person who has autism and their carers because it belittles their struggle and challenges the idea that they have anything to complain about. People often use the offending phrase to suggest that a child or adult doesn't need special treatment or support services.

It often leads into a discussion about the removal of services or the reduction of financial support.

What "comeback should you use"?

As a parent, I know that there are a million witty comebacks for this line but the question is less about which to use and more about whether to bother with a reply at all.

I usually make my decision based upon whether or not I think that the person can learn from the experience.

If I think that learning is possible, I usually fall back on one of my favourite quotations; “if you’ve met one person on the spectrum, then you've met ONE person on the spectrum”.

There's no rule that says that people with autism should look or act in any way similar to each other”. 

Usually people who want to learn will begin to understand at this point.

People who don't want to learn will never change their minds regardless of anything that you say or do. If the person you're talking to doesn't seem to be trying to understand, then it's time to break off the conversation.

Is there any truth at all to this statement?

As far as whether it's possible to tell if someone it autistic simply by looking at them is concerned, the answer is "no".  Close observation however is a different thing and if you were to observe a person in their natural environment for long enough or under the right conditions, it's possible that you'd pick up their differences.

People who are very familiar with autism, particularly people with autism themselves, can often pick up on similar differences in others.

I've noticed that this occurs even if the person observing is completely oblivious to their own differences. It's one of the reasons why children with autism in mainstreamed schools often find friends on the spectrum.  It's also the reason that people with autism often discover years later that their partners are either on the spectrum or have genetic links to someone else, for example brothers or cousins, on the spectrum.

In autism, like more often than not, attracts like. 


Experts are everywhere -- but they won't approach you

While many teachers, child therapists and doctors are pretty good at spotting people with autism, it's fairly unlikely that you'd encounter someone with a talent for detection at your local shopping centre or at a social gathering not related to autism.

More importantly though, if you did, they would generally have the experience and training required to know not to approach you and offer their unsolicited opinion on your child.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Sometimes it's utterly undetectable and then the autistic insists that we should have detected it.

*How* are we supposed to know whether or not the strangers stalking us are autistic or NT?

Popular posts from this blog

Why do Aspies Suddenly Back Off in Relationships (Part 2)

In part one, we looked at the role that Change Resistance plays in causing aspies to suddenly go "cold" in otherwise good relationships. This time, I want to look at self esteem and depression; Self Esteem The aspie relationship with themselves is tedious at best. People with Asperger's commonly suffer from low self esteem. As discussed in earlier posts, this low self esteem often results from years of emotional turmoil resulting from their poor social skills. Aspies are often their own worst enemy. They can over analyze situations and responses in an effort to capture lost nonverbal communication. This often causes them to invent problems and to imagine replies. Everything made up by aspies will tend to be tainted with their own self image. This is one of reasons that people with Asperger's will sometimes decide that they are not good enough for their partner and that they must let them go. Sometimes, the aspie will develop a notion of chivalry or self-sacrific...

Aspie Myths - "He Won't Miss Me"

I apologise for the excessive "male-orientated" viewpoint in this post. I tried to keep it neutral but somehow, it just works better when explained from a male viewpoint. Here's a phrase that I've seen repeated throughout the comments on this blog on several occasions; "I know that he won't miss me when I'm gone because he's aspie" Today, we're going to (try to) bust that myth; Individuals I'll start off with a reminder that everyone is an individual. If all aspies were completely alike and predictible, they'd be a stereotype but they're not. Each is shaped by their background, their upbringing, their beliefs and their local customs. An aspie who grew up with loud abusive parents has a reasonable chance of becoming loud and abusive themselves because in some cases, that's all they know. That's how they think adults are supposed to behave. In other cases, aspies who grew up in those circumstances do a complete about-fa...

What is Stimming and what does it feel like?

According to wikipedia , stimming is; "a jargon term for a particular form of stereotypy, a repetitive body movement (often done unconsciously) that self-stimulates one or more senses in a regulated manner. It is shorthand for self-stimulation, and a stereotypy is referred to as stimming under the hypothesis that it has a function related to sensory input." The wikipedia article then goes on to propose some theories about the function of stimming and how it is designed to provide nervous system arousal. The theory being that it helps autistic people "normalize". I'm not sure how much I believe that theory - I helps us relax and it feels good... but normalize?? Not sure. The most commonly cited form of stimming is body rocking. Such is the prevalence of this form of stimming in Hollywood films concerning autism that you could be forgiven for thinking that autistic people stim by rocking most of the time. How far does stimming go? Stimming is much more than just...