Thursday, November 5, 2009

Why do Aspies Suddenly Back Off in Relationships (Part 2)

In part one, we looked at the role that Change Resistance plays in causing aspies to suddenly go "cold" in otherwise good relationships. This time, I want to look at self esteem and depression;

Self Esteem
The aspie relationship with themselves is tedious at best. People with Asperger's commonly suffer from low self esteem. As discussed in earlier posts, this low self esteem often results from years of emotional turmoil resulting from their poor social skills.

Aspies are often their own worst enemy. They can over analyze situations and responses in an effort to capture lost nonverbal communication. This often causes them to invent problems and to imagine replies. Everything made up by aspies will tend to be tainted with their own self image.

This is one of reasons that people with Asperger's will sometimes decide that they are not good enough for their partner and that they must let them go. Sometimes, the aspie will develop a notion of chivalry or self-sacrifice and will feel like they need to push their partner away for their own good despite the fact that they personally don't wish to give up the relationship.

Sometimes the aspie feels that they do not deserve the good luck that the relationship is bringing them. Sometimes they feel as if they need to punish themselves.

Several times during the courtship of my (now) wife, I experienced this problem. I had a plan to go to university and I knew that I couldn't spare the time to be with her. I mistakenly assumed that she would not tolerate this separation and kept putting the brakes on our relationship without providing any explanations. Eventually, she did leave me and although I was extremely upset, I figured that I deserved it.

I guess that I was ready to accept that she would find someone else provided that they lived up to my (impossibly high) standards. Discovering that the new man was not treating her as well as I would have was enough to galvanize me into action and I won her back. Self esteem issues can sometimes be conquered simply by realising that you are just as capable as others.

Depression
Going hand in hand with the self esteem issues is depression. Most aspies seem to suffer from depression in one form or another. In fact often they suffer from almost bi-polar emotions, swinging from extreme happiness extreme depression with very little in between. If a new relationship is formed during a period of extreme happiness, the partner will often mistake the depression phase for waning interest.

Depression can also be self-destructive. The aspie may terminate their relationship as a way of punishing themselves or they may begin to self-harm in other ways. Sometimes, it's not the depression but the depression medication itself which is responsible for the strain on the relationship. Sometimes too, it's other medications as many drugs which treat psychological conditions which commonly occur alongside aspergers, have depression as a side-effect.

Fixing the Problems
There's not really a great deal that can be done by the partner in relationships which are affected by self esteem and depression issues. Self-esteem issues can only be resolved with long term therapy. It doesn't have to be with a professional, it can be done as part of the relationship provided that the other partner is patient and considerate enough to do the hard work.

Therapy may also work in cases of depression but sometimes the depression is integral to the aspie condition and no matter how often you ease the aspie through the depression phase and into a happier place, the depression will always return.

Sometimes it's better to simply accept rather than to try and change or to "fix" your aspie. Sometimes, it's the aspie who needs to learn to accept themselves.

Next Time
Next time I'll look at people who just don't know what to do or how to behave in relationships.

82 comments:

Clarissa said...

"The aspie relationship with themselves is tedious at best"

-I don't know. My relationship with myself has always been a blast. It's the relationships with others that are boring.

I've had the tendency to go cold on people overnight for a very long time. For me, it usually happened because I would suddenly feel that they were not good enough for me, not the other way round. I also often felt that they wanted too much. Too much contact, too much communication, too much emotion. And it felt really boring.

Asperger's is in no way synonymous with low self-esteem. We can have high or low self-esteem, which depends not on the Asperger's but on our own personalities.

Gavin Bollard said...

Yes, You're right, that was a bit of a generalisation (it comes from writing posts on the wrong side of midnight).

A lot of aspies I know have self-esteem issues. Even I do at times and I'm considered to be fairly well adjusted.

It doesn't necessarily follow that all aspies have esteem issues. I'm sure that many of them don't.

Sir Wobin said...

I have been very withdrawn and depressed in the past but my discovery of AS has been tremendously liberating. I'm much more accepting of myself and happy to be who I am.

My partner and I previously had tremendous communication problems that are put into context knowing about AS. I've been able to open up to him and we talk about our different points of view now. This discovery has been very healing for me.

I think it really helps to have a partner who is genuinely interested in you and how you perceive the world. Without that bridge between us, I'd probably still be withdrawn and not want to explore the wonderful country that is my loving partner.

Grant Harper said...

"The aspie relationship with themselves is tedious at best"

Yeah I'm going to call you on that too. I'm tall, eccentric, highly intelligent, like myself, like other people until they give me a really good reason to get away from them, generally cool socially (given that the people in question make at least some attempt at tolerance) and Aspergers up to the eyeballs and out my ears.

Many people have been accepting of my oddness but my strong sense of autonomy, self-medicating behaviour (seclusion etc) and pride in being me has taken it's toll on relationships where they're based on an popularly derived sense of 'normalness'. (I'm writing from Australia where being an outlier is vastly frowned upon, it's referred to as the 'tall poppy syndrome')

I'd say that one reason why aspies don't do the relationship thing is self preservation. Being a terribly sensitive soul my perception of relationships is that after the honeymoon period, acceptance, (as if it's alcohol based) evaporates at room temperature and what is left is an almost capricious need to 'fix' various curious personality traits.
This just strikes me as appalling bad manners; it's also fairly demeaning if you're highly intelligent, introspective and sensitive to then be told that you need straightening and punishing like a small child.

It's Pandoras box: if there is no ruleset, no baseline about how to treat and be treated, if there is no sense of logic to the way in which a relationship is conducted then what is left is ambivalence, anxiety and stress as you never quite know what is going to be the next issue. Basically I just think relationships are too intimate, intense and volatile for the average garden-variety delicate aspie...

eaucoin said...

This post really hit home. I know the reason my depression revisits: 1. The full range of the upside and downside of Aspie giftedness is on display within our own families; it's one thing not to be normal, harder still growing up with the next Bill Gates or someone else with the best permutation of these genes. It means you are being raised in a highly competitive environment that will grow and go with you wherever you live; so that whatever developmental milestone you are lagging at will be highlighted by the juxtaposition of being placed next to the standard of a superlatively successful sibling;
2. It's human nature to exploit human weakness to acquire power, and this will be true even in our intimate relationships, so that our spouse will always be tempted to focus on our Aspie traits as a way of gaining the upper hand. For instance, most moms will tell you that when a husband refers to his children during their misbehavior, he will call them "your children" instead of "our children." My own husband will sometimes imply that the Aspie traits in our two Aspie daughters are learned (from me) behaviour. When he does this it will seem unfair and true at the same time. (I always find ambiguity hard, being cognitively more black and white abled.) This tends to erode the "united front" that is required in difficult parenting situations.
3. It is heartbreaking to watch your children go through the same difficulties without being able to always help them. So while I may be more compassionate toward them, I am sometimes having old wounds reopened in the process. (It's like being forced to do open heart surgery on yourself with no anaesthetic--did I mention that I'm not a surgeon?)

Anonymous said...

THANK YOU! This has been very helpful as I've been through similar situations. It's kind of weird to see that our thoughts are controlled by a syndrome but that's life I guess.

Anonymous said...

Well, I've entered the land of confused. I've read the original article and felt better about my situation, then I read the comments and..feel worse.

I'm not sure I totally buy into the notion that dismissing someone because he or she is boring is not unrelated to self-esteem issues. I mean this not in terms of how one feels about ones' self, but how one feels about ones' self in relation to others' feelings and thoughts.

In my own experience, it seemed more like my Aspie guy's fear to connect with not only my emotions in the context of the relationship, but also fear preventing him to connect with his own very powerful emotions regarding the relationship.

Amanda said...

My depression usually comes out as rage. So, when I am feeling down, this will sometimes manifest as extreme anger at my husband. (For being stupid enough to be with me.)

I think he's stupid and boring and I HATE HATE HATE him!!!

But then later, when I'm calmer/happier... I think, I am probably sad/angry because I am unhappy with myself, not him.

I feel a lot of guilt because I throw so much at him and he takes it all reasonably well. Instead of being able to love and appreciate his niceness, the GUILT makes me feel resentful instead.

Rachel said...

I find myself feeling a combination of what others are saying. On the one hand, when left to my own devices, I like myself very much, I actively value my intelligence and sensitivity, and I enjoy the things I do. On the other hand, when I am spending time with my husband, my feelings about myself will vary widely. Sometimes, I will believe him when he tells me that I give him everything he needs (even the difficult times being experiences he learns and grows from), and sometimes, I just want to apologize constantly for all the difficult times. Slowly but surely, though, I really believe that I am bringing as many gifts into his life as he is bringing into mine.

Anonymous said...

I'm a female who's fallen in love with an Aspie guy. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, but it feel like it was about me, but rather about him.

I'm really heart broken as I wanted to be with him so badly. Can someone please help me with this? I do have some know about Aspie's but not a lot.

Anonymous said...

I was in a relationship with an aspie who when I asked for more attention and time (not a lot more, just more than the couple of hours a week he was prepared to give me and I virtually always arranged everything we ever did anyway) he ended everything and then, although he stated that he wanted to still be friends, he left for university and contacted me twice in 6 months via e-mail! I know he was briefly involved with someone else, but it was very short-lived! I have been so hurt by this lack of concern for me. I was going through such a tough patch in my life and he knew this but it seems that all his communication problems he layed at my door entirely! He appears slightly eccentric but outgoing and funny to others and has a circle of friends who know he is quirky, but do not realise at all how in an intimate relationship, he just is utterly incapable of getting close! We made out once in the whole time we were together! No other girl would have accepted that, but I loved him so much I dealt with it! I came out of the relationship completely emotionally confused, bruised and damaged! He will not talk to me at all and yet we were friends for some years before we became boyfriend and girlfriend, so I am still hurting about this even though a lot of time has elapsed. I suppose it would be good to try and understand why he treats me this way when I know he sees other friends when he comes home from university, but although in the last e-mail he sent he said he wanted us to be friends, he has made no effort in that regard since! I just wondered if there was some insight you could give me as to why he would be so hurtful towards me! He knows that I no longer want to be his girlfriend because I am not a strong enough person to deal with the way he is, but I care about him as a friend. What hurts is that all his other friends seem to be so much more important to him than me and he will put himself out for them which hurts given our history!

Bea said...

Re what Anonymous said on 3 April 2010 - you rang all the bells for me. I'm in love with a man 18 years younger than me and we've been friends for a few years before any sense of attraction occurred. It was after this happening that I noticed he might have AS - tight hugs, sensitivity to touch, narrow interests, eye contact's not direct when in conversation, lack of reciprocity, is helpless at most common sense things, etc. I've read up a lot on AS, been to relationship workshops, been the one who's organised things we do together and understood when he wants space and have let him take time. It hasn't always been easy because he gives absolutely nothing to our relationship and is not good at talking more deeply about our relationship, but I've been there for him. He's got a lot of friends/acquaintances and often cancels dates with me at short notice to be with them, which gives me the idea I'm not that important to him. As a result, sexually, it's been slow and I've been keen to establish trust and not be just an object for his sexual release but know that he wants me for ME. He'd told me he saw a woman once a month for sex so I wanted to be assured that wasn't still going on. I'm deeply in love with him and see the best in him because he's always been sweet, non-macho, has a great intellect and I truly enjoy his company. However, last week, I discovered that the woman he'd been seeing is someone who works with me. She is not a nice woman, is always verbally aggressive and confrontational. I feel that he's lied to me by not telling me he was involved with her. When I asked him if he still saw "the woman for sex", he told me he hadn't pursued things. But she's currently out of the country so he wouldn't be able to. I don't know what he intends to do when she comes back in June (I am leaving my job). I feel he's been manipulative and I don't want to have sex with him now I know he's had sex with her. I could accept it when I didn't know who she was. I am going to tell him it's over. I know he will go into self-pity as he does so often (I don't love anyone and never will, etc), but I deserve a lot better and so do you, Anonymous. A guy who doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship is just that and it's nothing to do with AS. I will be sad for months, maybe years, and I will always hope the best for him, but my self-respect comes first.

Bea said...

It's some weeks later. He was ill and we only communicated by text but finally we had a call, despite that I wanted to see him face to face. I told him that I needed to have space from him, to which he he responded with sadness, and said that the affair with the woman was just casual. I told him I didn't want that kind of relationship but someone who cared for me. He said he would miss me. I can't stand the thought of him settling for this half-life but then maybe I have to accept that his needs are different from mine and always will be. I believe you can't stop love happening to you, no matter how hard you try to stop feeling it, but I guess he's getting his needs met, which is probably all that matters to him, and I will have to move on. I told him I'd get in touch in a year or two but he was not to contact me. I will miss him so much because he's a decent guy and I love him, but life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't want me. Sad, eh? Is it impossible for an Aspie to love deeply?

Anonymous said...

As a NT girlfriend of an aspie, I can say that the part about low self esteem and him thinking I am too good for him is true.

The key to a relationship with an aspie is to listen to him, and to not take it as an empty platitude, like most NTs would be inclined to do, but instead to take it for what it is, and point out reasons why they are good enough (note: do not use empty platitudes, but instead point out what you honestly like/admire about him or her).

Anonymous said...

@annonymous on Oct 12

Yes, I always got the best responses from my ex aspi boyfriend when I pointed out the differences between us as things we could learn from eachother, namely his patience and meticulousness with projects, something I greatly admire in aspis generally, myself having ADD--being all over the place, completely inpatient.

Unfortunately something like this "suddenly backing off" thing still happened to me when I pressed him for more "quality" time. I didn't know back then that he had aspergers. This article really helped me see things from his point of view, though it doesn't forgive him for giving up on me when the going got tough. I never did. Heck he never let me get away with blaming a relationship blunder on my ADD.

francis f. said...

I agree with grant harper. After the honeymoon period, there is the desire to have me be someone I'm not.

I'm not excessively cuddly nor do I want to spend all my waking hours with a person.

And so I'm not in a relationship. I guess I am a garden variety aspie. The only long relationship I had was with another.

Anonymous said...

I am a forty plus male with aspergers and have suffered the highs and lows of the mood swings.I have had numerous affairs in my past, while I was in a long term relationship. The affairs where triggered by my mood, generally when I become highly stressed with and I need the hit off attention without having to to give any back. These affairs where mainly brief one night stands and put me back on an even keel. I felt no guilt what so ever and because of the way I am I don't give any signs out to alert my partner.I am interested to hear if anyone else has experienced this type of behaviour

DAN'S BLOG said...

This is a very good blog...I'm a Auspie pushing slowly on 50s and I also have trouble with relationships, to the point where I decided it's just too hard and I'm better off alone. I think my biggest issue is that women yell and scream, when they get upset or give the cold treatment. These two extremes of emotions
hot /cold are unbearable to me. Plus on top of it I don't understand it. I have found that practising Taichi and meditation helps...and in a way makes relating to people little easier, because of relaxation.

Anonymous said...

I have never experenced love or relationships and it was not until I was 40 and diagnosed with this syndrome(after a melt down at work) that I realised why. I partly lost my virginty at 31 with a escort but the hotel broadcast my attempts a lovemaking all over their other rooms. This resulted in some one shouting comment on my lovemaking. And they where drunk.
Since them I have tried to get into relationships but to no avail.On holiday in sweden and denmark I see many wonderful blonde/blue eyed women and think 'shes nice' . But I don't have a clue on how to attract them.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I have hit my mid-forties and only just self-diagnosed myself as suffering from AS. I have been married for many years to a long-suffering wife to whom I have never been unfaithful but at the same time not that physically attentive. I feel that I often let her down in that area and have recently felt that I need to run away, give her the house and kids and let her get on with her life. That would be the “grand gesture” of guilt talking, nothing more.

Finding out the cause of my total dislike of nightclubs and other loud social events full of strangers is a great relief and also the explanation of why I don’t have many friends. My bubble has consisted of an adulthood filled with unanswered questions as to why no one comes knocking on my door to arrange a social event. That is now answered, I believe I become overly attentive in a “friend” relationship and this makes normal people run a mile. Not to mention the strange sense of humour and my mind wandering through hundreds of permutations as we hold discussions. I often completely lose track of what is being said and with the shifting eye contact I am sure I come across as “bored”.

The problem would appear to be two-fold. The ordinary person treating us like lepers and us getting more and more frustrated with the isolation.

Buying a car is a nightmare. I will find fault with almost everything that isn’t perfect, even a very good one. Rattles, shakes, engine noises, etc. Get me stuck in unexpected traffic and I go off like a nuclear bomb, disrupt my routine with frivolous interruptions and I go bang. Mostly it is my total un-acceptance of other people’s disregard for “me”. An example is traffic jams where I am certain somebody knew about it but “just couldn’t be bothered”. If I ran the traffic department it would be Swiss clockwork with regular bulletin updates and warnings on those multi-million dollar signs.

Holidays. Well, these generally tend to be “driven” – no sitting around or time wasting. Whistle-stop tours of countries where pausing to small-talk with the locals just doesn’t happen. Everything is organised down to the last detail and by the time we get to go away I am often just stepping through the details and not actually enjoying it that much.

Hopefully that hasn’t scared people off too much…
w,

boomzy said...

My problem with relationships.has had little to do with depression or self esteem. I, and as one other aspies, find it hard to consider someone else all the time. If IM in a relationship, IM expected to change my life to include the person and not to make plans without them. they mess up the routine and don't understand why some things are important that may seem like nothing to them. They don't understand why aspies need alone time and want to force you to interact.

Anonymous said...

I am trying to figure out what is going on with a friend of mine that has aspbergers. At one point he really liked me but did not know how to show it and I really liked him too but I wasn't sure if he did or not. At that time I did not know he had aspbergers. I finally told him I liked him and everything got better. He still how a hard time showing his feelings and this job he took stressed him out so bad he became cold towards me. It has been months and now he has a new job and is starting to open up again. He is acting a little better towards me and sometimes I think he is still interested in me and other times not. I don't know what to think. I don't want to talk to him about it at this time because I don't want him to feel pressured. Do Aspies act this way? Do they hurt those that care about them the most or do they hurt those who THEY care about the most? Please help!!

Anonymous said...

I think I've fallen for an aspergers 40something male. Well I don't know if he has got it, he certainly hasn't said but he is an oddball and I have left him twice now in less than a year due to his coldness and aloofness. I have taken a couple of tests to see if it's me but my scores came up 9 and 14 so it's not me. The clues that lead me to think he has got this are as follows
His job is his hobby (or his hobby is his job) he is a company director of three companies connected to specialist cars, skateboards and bmx bikes. It's quite simply his life. He visits the USA 6-7 times per year for car shows. And usually takes on average about 1000 photos of cars per visit...yes an obsession.
His house is a shambles, even employing a cleaner you wouldn't know. Work needing done such as carpets laid, painting or decorating have not been touched for 5 yrs plus when his wife left him.
He was married for 13 yrs and has two children. He told me he never loved her but she suited his purposes and she was the best around at the time and she had her
own life and allowed him to get on with his (job/hobby)
He is obsessed with dating sites and looking for that amazing woman and has dated oodles of women since his divorce but only one and me have come close.
He regularly watches porn which I feel has de sensitised him to women and he only sees them as sex objects.
He told me I had many endearing qualities, more than most and any guy would be lucky to have me but all he wanted from me was a fuck buddy arrangement as in his words..."I'm looking for my amazing woman, I can't find her so what do I do in the meantime" this as you can imagine really hurt.
He monopolises the conversation.....I would say 95 percent about issues at work 4 percent about issues with friends he feels are mental bullies towards him and yeah a bit about his kids and how sexy I look.
He feels uncomfortable in a social environment and when his friends find it easy to chat to women, he feels uncomfortable and would rather go home.
He is on the Internet most of his time (work, dating sites, social network sites and porn)
Wears thick glasses as his eyesight is poor (I'm not surprised)
Very geeky and nerdy looking. My friends are shocked when they meet him...they say "what do you see in him" "he's weird, you can do better" etc etc
A real loner and one who thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. I tried once to see if he could be more open about himself to interact and perhaps he would find it easier to mix but his response "I'm not diluting myself for the sake of others, those people out there like me and understand me, I will find"
I asked him if he was emotionally detached or emotionally unavailable, his reply..."emotionally available to the woman who holds the key and has the right combination " (bizarre)

You may wonder what I do see in him, I really don't know other than he has a meek, mild and genteel way. There isn't an aggressive bone in his body and it's quite calming being in his company (even though he does talk shop all the time). He is quite childlike too, but I find this quite sweet.

I want to address this with him, but unsure if it would be a good idea. I think I could handle things better by having a clearer understanding of him and I know if the case is he does have aspergers or mild autism...it wouldn't bother me and I wonder if this is his fear of becoming too close to someone because of this (maybe his secret he can only share with people he knows well and trusts)

Regards
Anon

Anonymous said...

It's people like the Anonymous who posted at July 4, 2011 7:03 PM, whether Aspie or NT or whatever else, who make their wives die of AIDS.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am an Aspie male (UK) knocking on 50. Suffering the inability to understand relationship issues with women. I was married in my teens and we have 2 grown up sons, divorced after 13 years, i didnt know i had AS until i was 40 and that then helped explain a lot of my actions/reactions over my whole life period. I would say the main problem is 'taking things literally'. This has got me into a whole heap of trouble. Plus the need when someone asks a question that i give them ALL the details in reply, the ... "more than i needed to know..." scenario then rears up. If it's a girlfriend who asks it 'at the wrong time' in a mood cycle then it usually leads to heartache and tears, for her not for me. For me "i was just being honest" but that isnt then fair on her and my attempts to retract the statement are rejected.

My eldest son is bipolar and the divorce caused a lot of heartache and pain for him. We have had little contact over the years as he feels angry and bitter about what happened. His complaints that "he just wanted a dad" are valid as although i loved him and his brother and his mother for that matter, i didnt know how to relate to them emotionally, i could only 'solve' problems by "throwing money at it" in his words. For me, i was helping by providing financial security and the things they asked for, it didnt occur to me that they wanted something else. I used to give them hugs and cuddles as i am very tactile which appears to be a non-standard trait of AS, but i just didnt know how to 'talk things through' when they needed me. I do try and listen but often fall into the 'normal' male trap of listening to a problem and then trying to 'fix' it.

Not even sure why i am writing this, but thought i would offer my insight into my dealings with AS.

I have broken off a 5yr relationship because i didnt think i loved her and that she deserved to be with someone who would love her as she deserved. We had a good life together, great times, great intimacy, but i didnt 'feel' i loved her and so i felt guilty because of this. I felt i was wrong in holding her back from finding a man who would love her totally as i wanted to do but couldnt. This was also the main cause of my initial marriage breakup, although at that time i was convinced my wife didnt love me, but later found out she did.
But when i have made a decision to 'change my relationship' then i am unchangeable. No amount of talking by family or friends will change my mind, always to my or others detriment.

I am fortunate that i have a good job and 'a few' very good friends who i can rely on 100%, without them i think i would be very unhappy.

Anonymous said...

I am currently in a relationship with a 22 yr old man with Aspergers, we have been together a year & a half , and at the start things were great. Until he started telling me he wasn't good enough for me , and why would i want to be with someone like him! it broke my heart. Recently he (on my 21st birthday may i add) he broke up with me telling me he stil loves me but doesn't want me anymore, i was completely devastated. 3 days later he was back lovey dovey with me which had me all confused, but a month later were getting on great again , but i still think in the back of my head he doesnt care about me? he will comment about other girls he sees on telly or magazines but rarely me! Its driving me insane but i dont want to lose him he is a great guy when were alone. is this normal of someone with aspergers?

Anonymous said...

I just discovered this article and it covers something I'm going in my life perfectly. I've just graduated from high school and I've liked a girl in my class for a few years now but because she's always been very dedicated to her work I've restrained myself from doing anything about it because it's better if she focuses on her work. I always told myself I'll ask her out as soon as we graduate.

But now that we have graduated I've come to the exact same conclusion that you described. I've decided that even though she likes me now as soon as she goes to uni she'll meet more people. So even though I score highest out of the small amount of people she knows right now when she goes to a big city there's guaranteed to be someone who scores higher. And thus, as much as it hurts to do so, I've decided to let her go. The worst part is that I was briefly proud of myself for doing this.

Now I've read your article and heard your experiences I've slightly changed my mind, there's still no way I can ask her out knowing there's someone better for her. But seeing as we're going to be doing the same degree at the same uni I can remain in contact and if I continue to score the highest I'll definitely ask her out. Unfortunately my words can not express how much happiness you've given me. Thank you so much.

Anonymous said...

I dated a guy with similar behaviors as you've listed. he could be a great guy, but other days cold or distant. he would also comment on girls like that- some of them being girls in town! I was told by mutual friends to have patience because of his diagnosis. I did. he broke up with me. we remained friends. two years later he -very randomly- asks me out. then I barely hear from him for 3 weeks. (a sentence at a time)

he will always be important to me no matter what happens, but I don't know how to approach/don't understand some of these situations with him.

thank you for posting your experience btw

Anonymous said...

I learn so much from this forum. I dated and fell in love my undiagnosed Aspie boyfriend. We dated for six or seven months, and then he grew distant. At 52, he had only had about five short term (6 month each) relationships. Should have been a red flag. I was devastated when we broke up. Once I sensed his distance, I asked him if he wanted to continue dating, and he told me he had reached a turning point weeks earlier. He said he tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. The most likely turning point? He made plans to leave town for short pleasure trips and never told me about either of them. This was the very first time I expressed a need, which was that it was important to me that he tell me when he was going away. Not to get permission, but just to keep me in the loop since he was my boyfriend. He got angry at that request, and then grew distant. We didn't talk for months, then began speaking again. He did tell me that he didn't want to get back together, and "the fact is that I am not good boyfriend material." Months later (even though we were still in touch), he sent an e-mail message to me on Valentine's Day saying "Be My Valentine!" Probably not significant, but I wanted to believe that he missed me in that special way. Again I'm confused, as I was constantly while we were dating. Yes, we always had serious communication problems ... in part due to my ever increasing anxiety due to my confusion. Is it likely that my finally expressing needs caused him to back away? Prior to that he seemed really into me. Man, what a hard time I had because I fell so hard for him. It sounds like a lot of people on here have had similar experiences. Anyone ... please tell me if there's hope for us to become an "us" again, or will I need to cease all communication so that my heart can mend.

Anonymous said...

Follow up to the message I just posted about the "Be My Valentine!" message after we broke up several months ago. Was he being like a kindergartner who doesn't understand that someone who is in love with him might misconstrue that message, or is it possible that he means it? This confusion is driving me crazy.

To my knowledge he is undiagnosed, but he uses a lot of the terminology such as telling me about his "meltdowns", tell me he can't multi-task, seeming perplexed and confused by statements people make, gullible (once with strangers where he was actually in danger), acting convinced that he has "many, many, many dear, dear, dear, dear friends" -- most of whom really don't seem to care about him or were maybe nice to him once or twice, and class issues at work that I've seen documented in blogs and articles time and time again. He seems to really believe that he's not good boyfriend material, although I sometimes wonder whether that was an excuse. Mind you, he's never really had a relationship at 52. Someone tell me, please. Could there have been significance in asking me to be his Valentine, or is the mindblindness preventing him from considering how such a message could confuse or hurt me if he wasn't sincere. I swear sometimes that I'm going insane, both while we were together and since.

Anonymous said...

Wowwww!! Reading this, is like looking into a mirror at myself. my aspergers condition has often stopped me from approaching relationships let alone maintaing them. I suffer with very sever depression. Extreme highs and lows. I cut people from life at the drop of a hat without explanation?!

I literally started seeing this girl about a week ago.. she saw through my condition... But something seemed ajar, and I over analysed it to the point where I blocked her from Facebook without even telling her... I don't mean to be evil. I just cant trust a lot of women.... As a result I feel alone. I've lives alone for coming on 7/8 years now and it depresses me not having anyone around. A lot of the serious relationships I've been involved in, have often been long distance...

I've been to counsellors and they say my problems are too complex to address. I was on medication (anti-depressants) but due to a failed overdose attempt. I chose not to you use them. My behaviour can often be erratic and sudden. So il do things without thinking of the consequences, it scares me, to think I may grow old alone.. i also fear, the fact that I could have found the perfect girl. But due to my inability to comprehend the positives I feel like I may have destroyed my life routes. I try to deal with my depression adequately, but I've noticed my negative moods are becoming more frequent. Can you offer any advice??


Many thanks

Anonymous said...

I dated an aspie woman and oh boy was I miserable. Especially when they flat out deny it and put so much blame into other people. Why would anyone ever put themselves through that non-sense? Life is tough as it is and now I'm dating someone and who loves to laugh and isn't depressed all the time. The dark cloud is gone.It was fun.. ...NOT!!!!

adnan said...
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adnan said...

Greetings from NJ - USA.
I just learned I either have asp or simply traits of it - so trying to figure out a few things - such as are you either asp or not asp - or is having a few traits considered as an asp? I've had several fantastic jobs, earned good money, have a wife and child. so just curious to compare notes, cheers.

Kristina Heathcote said...

first- thank you for your post. One of my very best friends with Aspergers finally asked me out- then was upset at me (for reasons I do not know) and stopped talking to me. I've known that when he gets nervous about asking girls out or is dealing with a problem he sometimes dissappears. Its been almost 3 months and I care about him. I just want to be there for him- but he's blocked me on facebook and won't talk online elsewhere.

personally I just wanted communication- just to say "I'm ok. ill be back soon" I still have many things to learn about him- but I try very hard to be more understanding each day.
if the girl is right for you she'll be okay with being there through good and bad.

from the perspective of a girl wanting to still da te my friend with aspergers- let her know that you did not mean to hurt her if you accidentally did. and let her know you are interested. taking steps like these- no matter how small at first are very significant.

Scully's Apartment said...

All you aspies need to do the world a favour and go fuck off and die!

You try and get women totally out of your league and then wonder why they reject you. Maybe it's because you all smell, you don't brush your teeth, you have disgusting habits, no self-awareness, you compulsively eat junk food, are lazy and have no idea about life. I have seen aspie men cause chaos in women's lives and simply not give a shit that they are destroying a person's life. A woman is just a mother figure to an aspie. GO FUCK YOURSELVES!

Scully's Apartment said...

Unless you women want every aspect of your life ruined and your health to suffer greatly, DO NOT DATE AN ASPIE. You will end up with PTSD. These men are nothing more than emotionless monsters who have an "excuse" to treat women like shit as they "have a disorder"

Gavin Bollard said...

Scully's Apartment,

There's a reason why I let comments through even if I don't agree with them. It's to give my readers a chance to see all kinds of reactions from all kinds of different people.

Thank you for presenting a different perspective. I'll let my readers make up their own minds.

(Other readers, please no personal attacks against scully's apartment - or anyone else - as I can't permit direct personal attacks on people here).

Fine to post conflicting opinions though.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I wanted to share something that happened to me which has been really hard to deal with. I met a woman on a dating site and we talked for about 2 weeks online and on the phone. We planned a date in Boston/Cambridge which is about an hour away from me. Needless to say an unfortunate set of circumstances happened and now she has completely cut off all contact with me. I am extremely confused, angry, and hurt. I have struggled with AS most of my life and I was not diagnosed until I was 15. I am now 33 and have had almost zero success with women. It is always the same story honestly. And now I realize it was never about me at all.

It's funny because I seem to pick the most messed up insecure women. But this last one was probably the worst of the worst. An ex cocaine addict (me being a recovering alcoholic for almost 11 years), low self-esteem. Before we met she told me she was worried I would not like her. She seemed to really like me though for who I was. My special interest actually is the punk subculture. So I literally know everything about it and I have tons of clothes in that style. This woman was into the same thing but obviously not with the same intensity. We were going to go to all these punk shows and hang out. I was so happy and excited.

And then the date went okay I thought. Until she had to call it off because she got a call from her mother saying her brother had a seizure and was in the hospital. So I left and then got home to a "nice" e-mail in my box saying that she did not feel a connection to me. I lost it calling her like 10 times in a row. I basically scared the crap out of her.

So now I am even more confused because I feel it is all my fault that she left. But now I realize she was afraid for her own reasons. I believe she was afraid I did not like her because that is what depressed and insecure people do. They run. I understand that some on here mentioned an AS guy who does the same thing and calls everything off. I don't know maybe she had AS but it was never confirmed.

At this point I am still in a few online dating sites looking for someone and its hard for people with AS as you all know. Sometimes I feel like I will not be able to love a woman like an NT can. I think this quest is also a special interest for me. I am mesmerized when I see a young couple in love. I want it so bad for myself. I feel that it will happen because I am worth people's time. It just hurts to know that some would not even give me a chance because they think aspies are jerks or assholes. It's so wrong. We have to work so hard to fit in and the frustration sometimes causes us to lash out at those we care about.

adnan said...

Hello Anonymous -

There is no easy answer to your experience, and perhaps you don't need an answer - so instead I might share my experience and personal observations with you.

You may want to check the bookstore or library for a timely book called "The Journal of Best Practices, A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband" - it may help provide some guidance for relationships with the NTs, and IMHO is a good guide for also NT husbands / men as well.

As for relationships I would not criticize yourself over this incident or any relationship - I myself am coming out of a 16+ year relationship - or rather having it evolved into a different type of relationship - now I think part of the reason has been some of these aspergian tendencies I'd self observed.

There is nothing wrong with being comfortable in your own skin with who you are and how you live your life - and IMHO instead of looking for love - I encourage you and others to live your life to your best ability, and experience love come to you - after all searching for love and having it end can be heart-breaking and I imagine difficult for aspies and NTs equally.

A friend of mine who experienced a break up had told me he was never happy when he sought out love and a companion, as he was looking and looking instead of simply being and living mindfully - after he stopped searching - a woman came into his life - the one he had been seeking actually found him, because he was being himself and honest to himself.

If you need a little bit of medicine - try some laughter by watching "Silver Linings Playbook" the movie (avoid the book which is too serious).

Do look forward and upward, and remember the first thing you do when you wake up every day is to simply SMILE. Cheers,

Anonymous said...

I agree w scully about the ptsd thing. I'm NT, he's AS. First two years were great, then we had a baby and the next 5 years were HELL. I've been to the brink of suicide and insanity and finally back after a 2 year separation. Almost together 10 years and every day is a struggle. I've had to detach almost entirely as to remain in the relationship at all and not lose myself. I stay because my AS child loves him and they "get" each other. I feel like I am mother to them both. I feel like I am doing time. Abandoning them feels wrong yet staying feels abusive. I have to mske time for myself with a lot of self care. I honestly do not get many of my needs met in this relationship. Our child, however, gets most of hers met by staying. Not an easy life. It seems no easier on him though, I have to say.

Shayna Lee said...

I was dating a man for 2 months who I now suspect is AS. I am NT, although I do have a few AS traits. I am shy and find it hard to find people who I think are not worthwhile to connect with. This may be more due to the fact that I grew up isolated in a small family. My father was physically abusive and would blow up under stress. My mother tired to do it all. She is a strong woman! That said I was a model for a few years in Los Angeles. Anyways I fell head over heels for my AS boyfriend as did he. He was super gentle, kind, caring and a total gentleman. He always carried my handbag as it is always super heavy and tended to my needs. In 2 months we didn't have sex as he wanted to wait until we were married - yes he said he wanted to marry me. I was the one who had meltdowns over nothing. I think this is because I am suffering from PTSD from prior bad relationships with NT men. My AS BF was trying to help me overcome all that. He is highly spiritual and is a spiritual author. He was raised Catholic and still keeps his religious morals.
Anyways we broke up after a I had another meltdown over seemingly nothing. I think that deep down I did feel a disconnect and it made my very anxious. It didn't make sense to me that both women in his previous relationships just walked out on him - never to be seen again. He was wonderful with me but the waiting for sex didn't make total sense. I got the feeling he was afraid of it. He said he wanted to show me that he was willing to wait for me which was beautiful but he later revealed that he thinks he is asexual. I am very intuitive so I must trust that even though he was "perfect" I felt that something was awry. He is 53 and like no one I have ever met in my life. I grew up in Australia and now live in Los Angeles and have traveled all over the world. I thought he was the answer to all my prayers when we met and even my mother was so happy that I finally found a Godly, loyal, moralistic man who was good-looking, kind, caring, considerate and not into the "scene."
So after reading all these posts and researching online and being consumed with all of this for the last week non stop, perhaps God knows better and is sparing me from a lifetime of hardships. I don't know and I am heart broken right now. However my life is about to change with a new career so I will keep you all updated as to what happens.
Thank you for this blog, otherwise I would feel so alone.

Anonymous said...

I am.currently an 18 year old aspie male, I realize many people feel differently about many things, I can see how in the past I have retracted myself because I felt it was for the greater good, usually it's due to a feeling of inadequacy which very well may be correct, my issue is after each failed relaion ship I was able to actually change my view of the person such as thinking of her in a different light, right now I am in what is probably the worst situation I feel I have ever been in, I am in love with a girl (I suppose you could say woman) she is a little order than I am but we were both in the same grade, (sorry if iam diverging) my point is she was highly troubled, she has a history of being abused, neglected, molested, raped, along with all of that she has also had many near death experiences, and due to her life experiences she is untrusting of men, and for some reason, far beyond my understanding, I love her, and it may come to the point where she tells me she doesn't like me, but even though all of that I still find a way to be I love with her even though she doesn't show any real response to me telling her that I love her, something I had a discussion with a few months ago, and I guess part of it is she has never responded negatively to me really, and I realize her trust issues are something that she can't change, when around her I try yo be considerat and try as hard as I can to give her my attention, and I have told her if I ever make her uncomfortable. Ll she needs to do is tell me what I can do to alleviate that, my issue is I realize that all of my feelings are impracticle, and that I should just not talk to her or that I should kill my self (which is something that makes no sense either because I know all it does is cause other people pain which is why I am fairly sure I won't kill myself, anyway I want to be whatever she needs from me wither that be just a freind or otherwise, I can't seem to allow myself to change how I view her, I feel as if I am being riped in half and I can't fully decide to stay or leave, which makes me feel like these feelings are abhorrations, and unnatural, I would like to know how I should proceed in any regard
Sincerely
-Raphael

Anonymous said...

I need some help... I think I have a friend with asperger. When he sensed he was getting too close to me, he just backed up entirely and didn't want the friendship anymore. I obviously care about him and would like the have the friendship back but he just disappeared. I wrote him 4 or 5 nice and caring e-mails but he never answered to them. Should I never write or contact him again because he apparently doesn't want it with the fear that he will never get in touch anymore or should I go on writing to make him feel that I care about him and I'm there for him? Which is the best approach? I just have no clue... Thanks

Anonymous said...

From my experience, I'd say don't ever push him. Give it time, and he might reach back to you.

I have a different problem, I'm not sure what to believe, I find myself doubting my sanity sometimes. The situation is my aspie friend spends a lot of time talking with me, claims to care for me, and is physically attracted to me. However he insists that he doesn't love me and that he just doesn't want a relationship with anyone, because he feels he cannot offer people what they want from him.

Is my hope that this might some day change (he's young btw) ridiculous and retarded? My NT friends all say he's just an egoistic emotionless bastard, get him out of your life. And I just cannot bring myself to doing that after years of longing for him.
I understand this summary is very brief and lacking a lot of complexity, but if anyone has a comment, opinion or advice, I'd appreciate it.

Anonymous said...

to Anonymous who wrote on July 31st and all other people who might want to help us: I'm Anonymous who wrote on July 21st:
From my experience with my male aspie friend I first of all want to say that they are absolutely NOT egoistic emotionless bast****. The have very deep emotions but they sometimes are not able to express them and sometimes they pretend not to have them to protect themselves. My friend also spent a lot of time with me, claimed to care very much and found me attractive. But when our relationship began to become very strange and include feelings, he began to back off completely. He also insulted me twice, claiming that I was the only one wanting the friendship/relationship but this is obvioulsy not true. This I think might be explained by what in this blog (part 1 of why do aspies suddendly back off in relationships) is called "Resistance to change", so your aspie friend might be only very very afraid and scared of a change in your relationship. The word I've heard most from my friend in connection with me is "I'm scared". So it might be that in the end your friend changes his mind and overcomes his fears and start a relationship with you but if yes, you will have to be prepared to the fact that he will need a lot more distance than what you need and this will hurt you very very much if you are NT. Anyway, love is love and you cannot really decide to have or stop feelings, can you?? For what concerns me, after the first time he insulted me, we somehow managed to stay friends but after the second time he is much more rigid and doesn't want to be friends anymore. Also, I didn't know until 3 weeks ago that he had aspergers, so I even stressed him a lot saying a lot of times that I wanted back the friendship and I wanted to see him often again. The result is that now he avoids me completely and is totally scared of me and I doubt we will ever be friends again. Of course this is causing me a lot of pain and sadness and I'm desperately trying to understand him and let him alone but I fear that this time it might really be too late. Any advice on why he behaves like this and what I should do now would be precious because I really do not know how to make him understand that I care and that he shouldn't be afraid of me and that we can again spend time together. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Hey, July 21 anonymous. Thank you for a more positive view than what I usually hear.
I cannot claim this behavior of his has anything to do with AS, but if it does, it might comfort you to know that earlier I spent quite a few months not having any contact with my friend, because he freaked out once my feelings became obvious, and he chased me away in a pretty rude manner. But now we're back to what we had before.
Wish you all the luck, fellow-sufferer! :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks. He is not going to talk to me anymore. I think it's a decision which will last for ever. I saw him today by chance and he did nothing, no gesture at all to show me that there's any kind of hope. I'm trying all my best and he's simply not. He's made a decision and that's it, he's not going to change it. I find all this terribly sad. Whatever I do, whichever effort, is not going to change things. He also in the past freaked out when he understood my feelings but I think he also freaked out when he understood his own feelings. I do not really understand what they are most scared of, if from our feelings or theirs. Anyway, as said, I think for me it's just too late. Thank you from July 21 anonymous

Bjg1984 said...

I started talking to this girl almost three years ago, and was hesitant about dating her. We talked for a few weeks then we started dating. About a month into it I fell in love with her, I mean I experienced a feeling from her that was so amazing and a feeling that I've never felt before. So I guess you would call it the honeymoon phase right? Well about two months later I started feeling less emotions and getting more irritable. I was devistated I thought it was over and I didn't want it to be, but I wasn't starting to focus on negatives and then I freaked out and was depressed for a while. I believe that nothing good comes easy so I fought for it. We are married now but ever since then I have had anxiety about how I am constantly feeling about her. My happiness comes and goes, and other life stresses impact this as well. My wife is beautiful, caring, understanding, and very good me, and everyone else thinks so including my therapist. I know I love her more than anything in the world I just hate waking up most days and having to push my self throug the anxiety to be happy. Not being able to feel that initial magic most of the time kills me inside. Does any one else go through this? And I do have aspergers by the way. I went to special schools and clinics for a few years and after that I always thought I was in the clear until I got into a longterm relationship. Help!!

R.S. said...

Exactly how I feel about myself. I have difficulty comforting my SO, and since his ex and ex-friend seems to be better than me in that aspect. I have been so close to giving up the relationship, with the belief that I'm not good enough for him and I should let him go to someone whom he's more compatible and outwardly caring. If it weren't for his persistence, I believe that I would have broken up with him long ago. The worst thing? I don't know why I feel this way, even though I know very well deep down in my heart that I will never want to give him up .
Now that we are aware of the root of the issue, I believe that I can approach our relationship with a different mindset. At first I was deeply disappointed at the news of me having AS, but I see myself in a whole new light, which is refreshing. Thanks for bringing this knowledge into light! :)

Bjg1984 said...

Thanks !! I am glad we could help eachother out. I was constantly questioning if she was right for me but also at the same time knew she was the best thing that ever happened to me. Having AS means lots of repairing and hardwork to make things alot easier. I spent two years split between a very special psychiatric clinic ( not a psych ward lol) and birding school for kids with special needs. It was there were I started becoming the person that I consider truly me. Now for relationships I didn't have really any success with women until college. I had a couple of girlfriends they either cheated on my or I broke up with them because it wasn't meant to be, also all of these only lasted about three weeks a piece. And aside from these the rest of my experience with women is from one night stands. My point is I never had any relationship more than a couple of weeks at a time experience. So when I met my sou mate I thought everything was going to be perfect for ever just like in the movies. So I am learning as I go, constantly happy and frustrated at the same time. I learned about my As when I was 13 and I am now 28 do I've had so much experience. Most people that find out that I have as and the don't believe and it's because I have so much practice with routines and behaviors that I don't have to work at it that hard, but in the marriage side where I have had no experience I am constantly in the dark. I also I don't if this happens to anyone else, but just when I feel that I am at my worst my wife always seems to make feel like we did when we first fell in live and it reminds me all of the hard work is worth it but it doesn't mean that is easy for me when that wears off.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bjg 1984, dear R.S. and all who read,I'm the woman who wrote calling herself July 21st. I'm NT and I'm writing because I'm feeling very much alone and also to tell the end of my story, which is a sad story. But mostly because I believe that the secret for having a successful love relationship or a friendship between an NT and an AS is trying to communicate as much as possible, even if this is very hard. So, for Bjg and for R.S. and others, what we NT mostly expect is that you share and communicate your fears with us.I know it is very hard, I know, believe me, I saw it with my friend. What we are more scared of, instead, is when you interrupt the communication or the relationship. So my advice is, do communicate as much as possible, do not give up on us as you would expect us not to give up on you and don't think that you are not enough for us: you are enough and we like you!!!! As concerns me, as said, I had a male AS friend who I was very affectionate to. We had many problems when the relationship became too close and he insulted me twice, the second time telling me that I should leave him alone and never wanting to be alone with me anymore since 4 months. At that time I didn't know he had AS, so I pushed him a lot, writing him that I wanted the friendship back and that I wanted to spend some time alone with him. As a result he was even more scared of me and avoiding me even more. When one month ago I discovered by chance he had AS, I changed very much and tried to be very kind but not pushy when I met him by chance. He noticed that for sure, but he was still very scared and refused to be alone with me. In the end, after one month of me behaving very nicely, he left for good for his home country, which is different from my home country, and decided not to say goodbye to me, even though he knew I really wanted to say goodbye. He didn't meet me in person and didn't write me a line either. He just disappeared. This is something that hurt me so much I cannot even describe in words. And mostly, I do not even know if I ever hear from him again, but I think not. Whatever I could do for him, I did, but he doesn't want the friendship and doesn't even want to say goodbye. If anyone has some advice or at least some comforting words I would be grateful because I feel very sad. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Oh, poor soul, July 21. You make me wanna hug you. But I suppose sometimes there comes a moment where we have to accept the things we cannot change. You cannot force anyone into wanting or feeling things. Though perhaps, if you two are meant to be (however you interpret that), he will reach out to you in time. And perhaps you will find happiness elsewhere. Either way, the pain will slowly fade in time. Take care.

Bjg1984 said...

Sounds like you are better off. Coming from experience with having aspergers and some of the troubled relationships. Sometimes we are feeling so much raw emotion we don't know what we are feeling. I feel that your friend as much as this might hurt, is no longer interested and has already made up his mind. However, aspie or not you shouldn't have been treated the way you were there's no excuse for that. It sounds like your heart is heavy and deserve much better. However there is the chance he might realize what he is missing down the road but I wouldn't get my hopes up. I know it hurts but time will heal.

Anonymous said...

Thanks to Anonymous and Bjg 1984. Yes, I need a hug and yes, I'll accept that he doesn't want any contact with me of course. However, I feel like I've always tried to save the friendship and made a lot of efforts to understand him, but he instead just gave up in the end. Or probably was never interested in the friendship. The last thing he did after not having said goodbye, which was already very horrible, was that he gave the presents that I had made him to a colleague of mine because he apparently didn't want to keep them. So yesterday this colleague of mine gave me the bag with inside the presents I had made him. It was very humiliating and sad. I mean, you do not give back presents! So yes, I do not deserve this, but it still hurts. However, your comments help me a bit. If I can offer any advice from an NT point of view of just from an understanding human being point of view on any subject, I will.
July 21st

K.S. said...

I never really meant to comment, or even read all the comments, but I got stuck reading and after reading the posts by "Anonymous, July 21st" I even felt I had to comment. I just happened upon this post due to a random question I had about myself and relationships, as I'm at the end of my screening for AS. With all three who've conducted the screening leaning heavily to me having AS, I'll get the definitive answer in a week though, but it'd surprise me if they suddenly came back with a no.
However, I'm a, 24 years old, male with AS and as I read your story, "July 21st", it felt like I read about myself, regarding your friend. I've become known for disappearing by everyone around me, and everyone around them even. Last year I isolated myself for nine months, from everyone. On a smaller, more common scale, I disappear from every new relationship, friendly or romantic, withing weeks/months. I come back, but it's a constantly repeating pattern. It's something I've both hated and craved. I hate myself for not being able to cope with relationships changing, evolving or even taking up too much time. Yet I always come to the conclusion that it's for the best, since I need time alone and much of it and I also always come to the conclusion that others are better of without me anyhow. Now that I read your story though, was the first time I think I started to grasp what that means/can mean to others, NTs, around me.. I even started to feel the need to apologize for his behavior, something I won't do since I can't read his mind, of course, just because I recognized myself in what you wrote. I generally don't concern myself with how others feel, unless they're very close to me, but I really do hope you'll feel better soon. Also thank you for shedding some light on the messages, what I considered over-dramatic ramblings in ridiculous amounts, from NT-friends, that I get when I've disappeared. Mainly the thought behind them, the well-meaning. As others have said before, all those messages and phone-calls just made me back off even more and I still think it'll be hard for me not to, but at least now I get them and can try.

Anonymous said...

Dear K.S.,
I'm July 21st. Thank you for your words. In many respects, you are far ahead than my friend. You almost felt the need to apologise to me in his place. He never felt the same need. Then you said you have a pattern of disappearing but you always come back, whereas he never will. Finally, you are trying to understand what your behaviour can mean to other people. I really want to tell you that in my opinion you are in the right direction!!! Also, a comment of you stroke me: that is, when you disappear you usually think others are better off without you. I assure you it's not like that at all!! We MISS you when you are not there. The more often an NT calls you when you disappear or writes you the more he/she is affectionate to you and cares about you. It's our way to show that we care. Usually if you disappear and do not want any contact for a long period or for ever with us, an NT will interpret this as a sign that you do not care at all about us, that you do not miss us and do not love us or do not give value to our friendship. I'm not discussing if this is true, right, or wrong. It's just like that. The more we try to contact you and connect with you, the more we care. Since you need more often distance, I think the only solution is, if possible, that you explain this to us, so that we do not take it personally and we give you the space that you need. Even a small sign of communication on your side can help us... At some point my friend decided that I was asking him too many questions, thus "invading" his life, as he said. To us, the more questions we ask you, the more we are interested in you. When I was told I invaded too much, of course I tried to change and, since I was not allowed to ask any questions at all for fear that he got angry, when I saw him I tried to communicate with my eyes, which was the only means left. Somehow it worked, until his final decision not to say goodbye and to disappear. I mentioned this to make an example of how to us communication is fundamental. A difference I found instead between you and my friend is that you isolate yourself from everybody whereas he isolated himself only from me. He's still in contact with all our common friends except me. I have difficulties interpreting this. I sometimes think that this is because he didn't care about me, whereas some other time I just think the opposite: that he cared about me more than about all other people and that he had to push me away because I got too close and he told me things he never told to anybody or I accepted him for what he is, like no other people did. However, there were times when I also hurt him. Not intentionally, but I did. So, even if I'm suffering very much, I do not want to give the idea that I was the only one suffering. I found an internet site where AS are represented as porcupines, meaning that they hurt you if you come too close and vice versa. I think this is what happened to us both. In any case, I've tried my best and I would do the same if he ever contacted me again, which he is obviously not going to do. Sorry for writing too much and good luck!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm a 27 yr old female who was approached by a 30 yr old guy with AS. He invited me out for dinner oson after and he had a hard time picking a restaurant, kept complaining about other people, and tried to avoid confrontation ( not because he was scared of fighting, but that he was afraid he would kill someone.) We had a fallout later, and every time we saw each other it was hostile. Months later we started talking again like nothing ever happened, and at times we even get very intimate with each other even though we aren't dating. Is odd really, we feel extremely comfortable and open to each other ( especially when drinking) and then go back to our normal lives". We even talked about how weirdly comfortable we do feel with each other, yet we do have moments when we do fight. Especially when all i w ant to do is help. I like him a lot. He is very protective, caring, focused, and respectful. I just wish I could show him, or that he would let me show him how wonderful he truly is and goes much potential he has. Any advice on how i can do this without upsetting or aggregating him? Especially if he's may have self esteem, depression, and the need for space?

Conrad Eve said...

Hello every body....
My name is Conrad Eve, my family and i live together live in USA. It was after seven years i got to discover that my Husband was unfaithful to me. I didn't know what was going on at first but as he got deep in the affair with his new lover, i felt that our marriage was on the rocks. I notice that he no longer light up when i touch him or kiss him in his neck and his chest cos he really liked it when i did that, he also usually get naked in front of me but when he started seeing that woman he stopped it. I remember asking him if i have done anything that makes him feel irritated when i am around him then he gives silly excuses that he has been feeling stressed up and that he need space for a while. I know when you are been asked for space its usually because there is something fishy going on. I hired a private investigator to help find out what was going on. And in a week time he brought me prove that my Husband that i have lived with for seven straight year is cheating on me with his high school lover. I had picture of him walking out a of a restaurant with her and many other photo of them kissing in public like he will never be caught by someone that knows he is my Husband. I asked myself, even when we had a daughter together he could do this to me. That same night i showed him the pictures that i got from my private investigator. He didn't look at it before saying, that he is seeing someone and he know that i just found out about it. Then he said that he is in love with her. At that moment, i didn't know if to kill myself or to kill him but the button line is that if i was going to kill anyone it was going to be me because i was so much in love with him to even think of thinking to hurt him. As time goes on he asked for a divorce and got it and i got custody of our daughter and i weep everyday seeing my daughter with out being around her daddy. I just couldn't get my mind off my Husband and all i could think about was getting him back and live as every family should. For a year i tried all i could to get him back with the help of my seven year old daughter. Even at that all effect was in vain, i used the help of his friend but turned out all bad. I know most people don't believe in spell casting but believe me this was my last option and the result i most say was impressive. And i know it difficult to believe but A SPELL CASTER Dr iayaryi really made my life much better because he gave me my family back. He didn't ask me to pay for what he did for me all i was to do, was to provide the materials for the spell and i should believe that he had the power to help me. Like he said, he was going to do something that will make him reset his love and affection for me just as it has always been. My Husband told me he woke up and realized that he should have never left me that i am all he needs.To make thing clear, his life with his high school lover was great before Dr iayaryi cast the spell, they had no disagreement on anything. My Husband said it himself that why he broke up with her is something he can not explain just that he woke up on the same bed with her after a very romantic night saying he is breaking up with her for no reason at all. Only Dr iayaryi can do such a thing, contact him to solve your problem with his email driayaryi2012@hotmail.com

Trinity Dawn said...

I feel this blog has been helpful. I'm 30 F and looking for penpal. Hopefully, to visit with. I tell family I am single by choice. Sadly, this is untrue.

CARDENAS NAIDA said...

My name is Mr Cardenas,my wife was having affair with a senior secretary in her office. I love this woman so much that i would not want to share her with any body. i told her to retire from the job and i would take care of all her needs but she would take it because she is been embraced by everybody in her office, this normally leads to quarrel every-time. i tried all i can to please her and she will promise to be good , some days later she will turn back to her normal way.
i was nearly loosing out, i could not focus in my job, my whole life was full of sorrow and i was thinking i should kill the other man my self and put an end to all this until i saw a testimony from a blog on how DR EDIONWE could cast a love spell to bring lovers back no matter what is behind the disappointment. so i decided to write him via email. edionwesolutiontemple@yahoo.com and now all my wishes are exactly as i wanted. She told me everything that has happened secretly in the past and i forgave her as DR EDIONWE instructed me to and she loves me and care for me as i ever wanted. i know there are many spells that do not work but i want to assure all you out there no matter what you have been trough to have faith and believe that this is the final solution to your problem.
Even if my job is taking most of my time, the little free time i have , i will share the good news to everyone in the world because i know that with love brings happiness and hope for a long life.

Buzzy Bee said...

I'm a NT that just began an relationship with a man in his late 20's that I highly suspect has AS, especially after doing some research, talking to a professional, & reading through the majority of the comments on this post.

Recently, he's backed off with his efforts to communicate with me and

After reading through a few different perspectives, I want to know if anyone has had any successes with dating an aspie and to let me know if there are any tips for an NT in communicating my needs (he disregards them when I subtly communicate these to him).

I would also appreciate any tips for on dating someone with AS.

What helps build stronger relationships for NTs with aspies?

What are some of the biggest obstacles in a NT and aspie relationship and what are ways of overcoming these obstacles?

My deepest gratitude goes out to all of you for sharing your wide range of experiences. It is really helping to shed light on the inconsistencies that are occurring in my current relationship.

cgreen said...

" made up by aspies will tend to be tainted with their own self image" case / point

Akania said...

Interesting blog. I'm ADD and recently thinking I have some AS traits but probably not full AS, I don't know. I always score high but never thought I was AS as I thought AS people don't have empathy which I knew I had. I find it hard to connect with people so I can understand the need for solitude to destress. But my boyfriend is the typical AS though not diagnosed, he won't bother and he melted down after I tried to see him more often. For someone who's not AS, unexplained disappearances from someone you care for are almost like being punched in the gut. It's been discovered that emotional pain actually corresponds to actual pain centres in the brain so yes like a punch to the gut.
Just like having to cope with invasions of space for an AS is very upsetting, so are the disappearances for us. My family knows I disappear sometimes. I tell them and occasionally send them something so they know I'm alive. Sometimes it's not even words but pictures of me, emojis or different articles I find so they know I'm alive and don't worry too much. If I'm able to chat, I will, if not they understand I won't be able to reply. But we reached a compromise.
In many stories of NTs and Aspies, its the NT who tries to learn the Aspie whilst the Aspie just does what they want and blame the NT for everything. Though it also goes the other way. Both situations are not fair. Tell the NT about your feelings and likewise. If this is not possible, tell the non AS person about your communication needs in the first date instead of reeling them in and hoping things will magically sort themselves out.

Anonymous said...

My ex girlfriend informed me today that she was diagnosed as high functioning aspergers which is a relief for both of us as it allows for closure and understanding as to why we were both frustrated about the dynamic.
I would love for us to try again but I have read on here that aspies often need space and timeuto breath. I could never understand how she was so hot and cold but I understand this now.
I love and care for her with all my heart. When she was diagnosed I wanted to cry. I feel a range of thoughts. I have gotten over the worse of the heartache due to her bailing out after I asked her to make a decision on treating the relationship like one and not going back and forth. She decided to end it and after a lovely week spent together I was shocked.
I understand fully now why things happened as they did and why the communications between us was frustrating at best. It did not flow at all. One moment she would be very attentive and next day cold and distant.
Despite this I still love her with all my heart. Our relationship was interesting because the love I have for her is not your passionate fireworks love but a love that is very deep.I feel like we are an amazing fit together.
But as I know she needs her space. It makes sense now why she felt so overwhelmed at me being very emotional toward her when I was frustrated. She could not process it.
I would love for us to try again but I know that time and understanding will determine what happens eventually.
I am not angry anymore. The confusion and wracking my mind trying to work out what on earth happened makes sense now.
I secretly wish that no one can match up to my patience and understanding and hope she sees that we were great together but its part narcissistia on my past I admit. I too am not the most secure person in the world.
I wish her all the best. Its definitely not easy toxwork with an aspie however love and discussion may go a long way. Of course for some of us it cannot work and that is fine too.
:)

Anonymous said...

While reading this blog has been somewhat comforting, I still find it hard to deal with the end of the relationship with an aspie. I don't know for a fact that he has aspergers, but he's awfully quirky and bit socially awkward. I did confront him a year ago and he did not deny having aspergers, but changed the subject. I didn't push. We had been dating about a year and a half when I discovered he was still dating others in search of that elusive woman who was his rocket to the moon. I ended it - he didn't even seem bothered by it. Completely devoid of any emotion. I'm still reeling a bit as it just happened. My friends say to just forget him, but i fell in love. I don't think he will ever speak to me again. And I honestly don't know if he's even aware of the hurt he causes others. His first wife left him 15-20 years ago and he has just dated since then. I have no idea if he ever got over that hurt. I've read a little about aspergers, but have not truly educated myself on the subject. I just wish i knew what he was thinking...assuming he even has thought about me. I let him call the shots and gave him all the space he needed/wanted. Never pushed. I guess I just need to get over the hurt and move on. Thank you for posting the blog. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has loved and lost an aspie.

Anonymous said...

HOW DR LOVE HELP ME GET MY EX BACK

I saw him while walking my dog and fell in love with him instantly. I loved him since always He loved me back. We are a very good looking couple and everybody comment good about us , We share so much and he makes me laugh a lot. It all happened fast and We started living together 2 weeks after meeting and 6 months later we moved to Europe together. We were obsessed with each other, I was planning to move to Europe when we met, he followed me. He was unhappy with his life and I inspired him to change it. Now we are both here but our relationship deteriorated I was constantly afraid of all and everything. I was so scared of loosing him that I would break up with him constantly. He tried his best to keep things together but he also has a character that can be explosive and I am sensible… But we love each much. After another fight he had enough and packed his things and left, Its been 4 months now. because of our argument and fighting I have been studding physiology and everything that has to do with how to have a good relationship.

Now I understand it all, all our mistakes. I made a list of all the things I was sorry for and read it to him, he cried and so did I. But he was full of rage and treated me badly after all i did , don't know he was dating a lady close to where he work then one night i went through his phone and saw a lot of text message they have exchange together ,i was so upset and mad when i read all there text message I could not take it anymore and we finally break up , He lives in another apartment now, we are still in the same city for a months now no contact with each other and i was thinking so much about him until a friend tell me about DR Love that he has help him before to get his love back between 48 hrs drlovespellcastersolution@gmail.com , Tel+2348038096203 then i email Dr Love and he told me there was a demon that was on me that is causing my relationship problem , i was so scared to hear that because i never had that before but i know something is going on with me and i told Dr Love to help . he promise me my boyfriend will come back after we remove the demon so i give him trust and believe tell him go ahead then after 38 hrs i saw my boyfriend knocking my door with a rose flower on is hands,this is the story of my love .

ELLEN FROM UK

Thank you Dr Love solution.

Anonymous said...

I'm not diagnosed but this hits way too close at home. I'm 20 and I still live at home due to economic reasons, but should I talk with my parents about AS? I mean, is AS something I can live with without any kind of help? All these feelings are driving me insane and I don't know if it is AS or something else but it's not nice at all

Anonymous said...

I know i'm very late with this post but i only just found this blog (great btw).
I have a boyfriend with AS & everytime i get mad or express that i am upset he backs off & often walks away. I know he does this because he doesn't want me to be around him when he has upset me but i want him to stay & talk. what can i do?
Also he has a habit of turning situations back on me e.g. if i have upset him & then his response upsets me (i always apologise & make sure he's ok) he will often simply reference the fact that i upset him & am in the wrong.
Both of these behaviours undermine my feelings, make it all about him & make me feel like my feelings don't matter.
I love him so much & we have a good relationship, this is the only thing that worries me.
Do you have any advice or insight?
Thank you so much

Gavin Bollard said...

Anonymous, it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't like confrontation.

Since you want him to listen to you and to understand your feelings, I'd suggest that you write him a letter (or an email).

Let him read it away from you and in his own time.

Put your feelings down and tell him what you want him to do.

Encourage him respond in writing too as this takes the likelihood of confrontation away.

MC said...

I'm an Aspie female living in the States.

Over the years, I have made (and enjoyed) many attempts at liking myself and believing I am a good person.

Always, ALWAYS, they end in the people who care about me screaming about what an autocratic, self-absorbed, incredibly foul person I have become.

Positive self-esteem (or what would be positive self-esteem for a normal person) IS NOT A POSITIVE THING IN SOMEONE WITH ASPERGER'S.

Hating ourselves and repressing all that is "self" (Greek, 'autos,' the root word from which 'autism' is derived) makes it possible for us to "pass" for normal, be acceptable to normal people, and have relationships in which we will not ultimately be rejected.

Those are the facts we have to accept. Like ourselves in isolation, or hate ourselves and join the world. PLEASE STOP SPREADING THE MESSAGE THAT IT CAN BE ANY OTHER WAY. It is a false hope that holds people back.

Anonymous said...

hi- thank you for this post. i just broke up with my boyfriend who i'd been with for 7months. i'm NT female in 30s living in tokyo. things were so great and i was feeling that we were really moving towards something significant possibly moving in together or getting married. but literary one day in the midst of happiness, he sent me an email saying he needed to talk, implying he wanted to break up. he would not pick up the phone, he had to see me and talk in person. he wrote he was really confused. i was caught off guard and panicked but after two meetings over 3 days we decided to break up. in the midst of happiness, just like that it was over. he had already made up his mind, and whatever i said, i realized he wouldn't reconsider. i could tell he liked me, but his face said that he was determined to break up. there was no room for discussion or convincing.

the reasons he gave for breaking up was because he thought people around him become unhappy. he doesn't intend to but people get hurt, and he is the reason their life is ruined. he said if we stop now, when we are happy and have good memories of each other, we might be able to be friends. but if we got married, or lived together, i would start seeing things about him he didn't want me to see, and (he called me) i am a "giving" person, i would pour my heart and give everything until there's nothing left, while he won't be able to give me what i want or need. so for me, for my happiness, he thought we cannot be together.

it made no sense to me. i thought, we clearly like each other, we are important to one another, and since the future is always uncertain, we just can try to work it out and not give up. we have something so special so let's try. isn't that what relationships were about?

to me, he had always been sweet, funny, so genuine sometimes with an expression like a little boy, calm, understanding and very intelligent. sometimes i worried about him not calling back, or wondered why he'd get so caught up about specific social issues that he'd not be able to go back to a fun dinner topic, or just doze off and seem like he was not paying attention to our conversation. he made me really upset about missing an anniversary. but after i had asked him to do specific things, he'd always do exactly what i asked. i would text him before calling and this seemed to make it easier for him. i learned to give him space, all not knowing he might have aspergers, but because they seemed to work after i tried it once. but this was the first time he seemed panicked and the first time he really spoke about what's in his mind.

i really cared for him (still do) and it was impossible that he would make people unhappy. it was not his fault. so i asked him to try to explain what made him think this way. he said : he did not have any friends, had difficulty in understanding people's feelings, he can't feel people or love, he thought he was different and people suggested he be tested, he would eat people's energy, people call him manipulative sometimes, and he recognized he could be unintentionally manipulative.

gathering from this, i stumbled on "aspergers" online. i had never heard of this before, and reading through this blog and many others and a few books, now it all makes sense. he has never been diagnosed, but he is very smart, and loves to research so i think he might have self diagnosed himself and thus have taught himself ways to act like NT.

Anonymous said...

continued from above:

i know it must have been so hard for him to explain this to me, and i appreciated how much he tried. i care for him even more after all this, but he was determined we should part and it makes me very sad to say, in the end i agreed.

i am heartbroken, i scream, i cry and cry and it just hurts. but i would never even think of taking back the time we spent together. i am grateful to have met him and i cherish the moments we shared, how he filled me with happiness, and cared for me in his very own way. how cute and sweet and romantic he was, how intellectually stimulating our conversations were. how just sitting at the dinner table with him made me happy. he deserves to be happy as much as everybody else and i really wish him the best in life. i just wish i could be of any help to him. i know it is beyond my ability, but i really wish i can.

i never post on blogs, it's not my thing. i live in japan and our culture is not open about conversations like this. but reading these posts really saved me. it really made me realize the power of sharing.

thank you for reassuring that the man i fell for and care so dearly did not leave me for no reason. and i really hope that although we cannot be romantically together, if i can overcome my heartbreak and despair of not being able to help him or live side by side with him, i really wish i could one day at least be a friend so at least he won't have to say he has no friends.

thank you

Anonymous said...

I unwittingly married a man with AS. He was charming, funny and loving when we first got together. However, once we got married, he was less able to control a lot of his symptoms. He has a difficult time dealing with my (grown) children and can exhibit many of the classic symptoms that are described when discussing AS. He is stubborn, seems to lack empathy, and can appear to be mean. He talks a lot about how smart he is and how talented he is musically, but I think he is doing this to convince himself that he has worth. He doesn't realize he has AS, our therapist pointed it out to me during a one on one session and it has been such an eye opener for me. I am going to try to hang in there, but this is the hardest work I have ever done.

Anonymous said...

@scullys apartment. We should all fuck off and die huh? I'd love nothing more than to do to you than what the navy seals did to Osama Bin Laden. Then we would see who should really fuck off and die. I have aspergers and I'm a gentleman to women and you can take your stereotypes and shove them up your ass and choke to death on them you fucking pile of dog shit.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, (September 16th)
Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. I met an American Man who lived in Tokyo. He came back to the states and our stories sound almost identical. I handled things almost the same way as you did. I also miss him, but I am going to believe him. I pray that you get through it. I understand the sadness and pain. Hugs

Anonymous said...

September 16 Anonymous, thank you for sharing - the end to my relationship was similar. It's been really helpful to read this post and the responses by Aspies and NTs. I was blindsided by my fiance's decision to call off our engagement, with no explanation beyond "I don't think I can make you happy." I'm devastated right now and am struggling to cope as I'm NT with mild separation anxiety. I ended up here after some googling while trying to recall situations were he or I had been upset. Everything pointed to Aspergers.

We'd been close friends in middle school after just clicking but drifted apart after he moved. Six years later he'd found me on Facebook via mutual friends and we just fell into a daily Skype/text friendship - he was in Japan for work and I was in Canada for university. He'd always been "quirky" but that hardly bothered me as I was taken by how intelligent, charming, and silly he could be and by how much we had in common.

He flew out to visit me during his holiday at one point - we bonded instantly and decided to try long a long distance relationship. We physically were together 8 times a year during that stint. Six months into our relationship though he'd told me I was "the one". He said he'd wanted to marry me and start a life together. At first I was a little taken aback, but he seemed incredibly genuine in his feelings and I couldn't help but feel the same way.

The only thing that bothered me about him was his drinking and occasional out bursts. He talked a lot about being uncomfortable in his own body sometimes, and how drinking helped him by making him feel more "human" instead of like a "drone". I never once felt that he would hurt me (he was a gentle giant that loved animals and nature) but my father had been an abusive alcoholic and these two things were very triggering for me. He's repeatedly told me that I just needed to remind him to take a breath when he had an outburst, and that he wasn't actually angry - just "frustrated when things didn't work the way they were supposed to". He only ever seemed to get angry at electronics though. I think back and he was a big stickler for logical reasoning, facts, and things being done efficiently. I'd never questioned it as I always saw myself as the utilitarian type as well.

We were L/D 2.5 years until I graduated and went to Japan for a bit with him. We came back to N. America where I went to spend time with my family and he with his before planning our wedding

He ended up having a horrible experience trying to reconnect with his real dad while he was back, and had been distancing himself from me the last 3 or 4 months while drinking much more than usual. I'd thought we'd hit a really bad low when he had a terrible argument about an outburst last month - I began confronting him about his drinking and sudden bursts of anger and frustration towards electronics and told him I couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone who drank too much.

Overall I saw it as a really bad argument, but a few days later we had an odd discussion about what happened. He kept going on about how he didn't comprehend how me leaving was even a "hypothetical option" as "no matter what, he couldn't understand a life without me," and that the future was a blank if I wasn't there. But he also said he didn't know if he could change as it would mean he wouldn't be him but that it was important that I was happy. I'd initially thought this was his drunken way of saying we needed to compromise but that he loved me - the entire argument had been upsetting and I suppose my judgement was clouded by the idea of losing him. I wrongly assumed we were getting back on track. (cont..)

Anonymous said...

(...cont)
Three days later he'd messaged me and said we needed to talk about our relationship and just ended it. Just an "I can't make you happy," and "it's not happiness if one of us has to change." I was heartbroken and it just destroyed me. What made it worse was that when I asked for an explanation the next day all he said was, "I'm sorry for dragging this out, but I realized I was avoiding large parts of myself just to say and do things that I thought you wanted and would make you happy." I ended up inquiring about what was making him feel this way, whether it was depression and if there was anything I could do. (I'd found this blog and other resources at this point, but didn't feel right bringing it up) It was then that he mentioned there were things going on in his head that just worked differently, and that it prevented him from feeling what normal people felt and there was nothing I could do. He then mentioned he'd been formally diagnosed as a young teen as a high-functioning autistic and informally assessed as having Aspergers on multiple occasions after.

I truly wouldn't trade our relationship for anything, and I still want to ensure that we stay friends if he'll let us. At least now I'm better equipped at understanding where he's coming from. I'm still not entirely sure what to make of him telling me that he simply did things to make me happy, but the man I knew was the most generous and kindest man I'd met in a long time. He made me feel blessed in so many ways and had been the most supportive person in my life those three years. But I also just feel so much guilt for the fact that my happiness made him feel like he was suppressing parts of himself and living in a made up shell.

Anonymous said...

I dated an Aspie once and did not know it at the time. First of all, I have to start out by saying she was sweet, kind and very smart. But since I did not know she was an Aspie, I was not prepared for how she behaved. There were some signs early on, isolation, no close friendships, distant from family, etc. but I was ok with that. The problems arose when she would "shutdown" out of nowhere. She would just shutdown, go to a room and sit for hours and even most of the day and evening. She would never want to talk to me during those times and it left me very confused and towards the end, angry. I finally ended the relationship and learned later that she had Asperger's. My biggest regret is that I did not know she had Asperger's nor did she tell me.

Gabriel Parra said...

Eventhought you think he doesn‘t care, he probally does. That‘s the thing about aspies. In fact, you probally meant the the world for him.

Gabriel Parra said...

I know how you feel. We will never be what we want to be. For some reason every body around us gets hurt. We are like a parasite of some sort. I also down‘t care what you ‘‘+‘‘ aspies think, but people like us don‘t have the right to have children. It would be selfish of us to do so. It wouldn‘t be fair for the kid.