In part one, we looked at the role that Change Resistance plays in causing aspies to suddenly go "cold" in otherwise good relationships. This time, I want to look at self esteem and depression;
Self Esteem
The aspie relationship with themselves is tedious at best. People with Asperger's commonly suffer from low self esteem. As discussed in earlier posts, this low self esteem often results from years of emotional turmoil resulting from their poor social skills.
Aspies are often their own worst enemy. They can over analyze situations and responses in an effort to capture lost nonverbal communication. This often causes them to invent problems and to imagine replies. Everything made up by aspies will tend to be tainted with their own self image.
This is one of reasons that people with Asperger's will sometimes decide that they are not good enough for their partner and that they must let them go. Sometimes, the aspie will develop a notion of chivalry or self-sacrifice and will feel like they need to push their partner away for their own good despite the fact that they personally don't wish to give up the relationship.
Sometimes the aspie feels that they do not deserve the good luck that the relationship is bringing them. Sometimes they feel as if they need to punish themselves.
Several times during the courtship of my (now) wife, I experienced this problem. I had a plan to go to university and I knew that I couldn't spare the time to be with her. I mistakenly assumed that she would not tolerate this separation and kept putting the brakes on our relationship without providing any explanations. Eventually, she did leave me and although I was extremely upset, I figured that I deserved it.
I guess that I was ready to accept that she would find someone else provided that they lived up to my (impossibly high) standards. Discovering that the new man was not treating her as well as I would have was enough to galvanize me into action and I won her back. Self esteem issues can sometimes be conquered simply by realising that you are just as capable as others.
Depression
Going hand in hand with the self esteem issues is depression. Most aspies seem to suffer from depression in one form or another. In fact often they suffer from almost bi-polar emotions, swinging from extreme happiness extreme depression with very little in between. If a new relationship is formed during a period of extreme happiness, the partner will often mistake the depression phase for waning interest.
Depression can also be self-destructive. The aspie may terminate their relationship as a way of punishing themselves or they may begin to self-harm in other ways. Sometimes, it's not the depression but the depression medication itself which is responsible for the strain on the relationship. Sometimes too, it's other medications as many drugs which treat psychological conditions which commonly occur alongside aspergers, have depression as a side-effect.
Fixing the Problems
There's not really a great deal that can be done by the partner in relationships which are affected by self esteem and depression issues. Self-esteem issues can only be resolved with long term therapy. It doesn't have to be with a professional, it can be done as part of the relationship provided that the other partner is patient and considerate enough to do the hard work.
Therapy may also work in cases of depression but sometimes the depression is integral to the aspie condition and no matter how often you ease the aspie through the depression phase and into a happier place, the depression will always return.
Sometimes it's better to simply accept rather than to try and change or to "fix" your aspie. Sometimes, it's the aspie who needs to learn to accept themselves.
Next Time
Next time I'll look at people who just don't know what to do or how to behave in relationships.
35 comments:
"The aspie relationship with themselves is tedious at best"
-I don't know. My relationship with myself has always been a blast. It's the relationships with others that are boring.
I've had the tendency to go cold on people overnight for a very long time. For me, it usually happened because I would suddenly feel that they were not good enough for me, not the other way round. I also often felt that they wanted too much. Too much contact, too much communication, too much emotion. And it felt really boring.
Asperger's is in no way synonymous with low self-esteem. We can have high or low self-esteem, which depends not on the Asperger's but on our own personalities.
Yes, You're right, that was a bit of a generalisation (it comes from writing posts on the wrong side of midnight).
A lot of aspies I know have self-esteem issues. Even I do at times and I'm considered to be fairly well adjusted.
It doesn't necessarily follow that all aspies have esteem issues. I'm sure that many of them don't.
I have been very withdrawn and depressed in the past but my discovery of AS has been tremendously liberating. I'm much more accepting of myself and happy to be who I am.
My partner and I previously had tremendous communication problems that are put into context knowing about AS. I've been able to open up to him and we talk about our different points of view now. This discovery has been very healing for me.
I think it really helps to have a partner who is genuinely interested in you and how you perceive the world. Without that bridge between us, I'd probably still be withdrawn and not want to explore the wonderful country that is my loving partner.
"The aspie relationship with themselves is tedious at best"
Yeah I'm going to call you on that too. I'm tall, eccentric, highly intelligent, like myself, like other people until they give me a really good reason to get away from them, generally cool socially (given that the people in question make at least some attempt at tolerance) and Aspergers up to the eyeballs and out my ears.
Many people have been accepting of my oddness but my strong sense of autonomy, self-medicating behaviour (seclusion etc) and pride in being me has taken it's toll on relationships where they're based on an popularly derived sense of 'normalness'. (I'm writing from Australia where being an outlier is vastly frowned upon, it's referred to as the 'tall poppy syndrome')
I'd say that one reason why aspies don't do the relationship thing is self preservation. Being a terribly sensitive soul my perception of relationships is that after the honeymoon period, acceptance, (as if it's alcohol based) evaporates at room temperature and what is left is an almost capricious need to 'fix' various curious personality traits.
This just strikes me as appalling bad manners; it's also fairly demeaning if you're highly intelligent, introspective and sensitive to then be told that you need straightening and punishing like a small child.
It's Pandoras box: if there is no ruleset, no baseline about how to treat and be treated, if there is no sense of logic to the way in which a relationship is conducted then what is left is ambivalence, anxiety and stress as you never quite know what is going to be the next issue. Basically I just think relationships are too intimate, intense and volatile for the average garden-variety delicate aspie...
This post really hit home. I know the reason my depression revisits: 1. The full range of the upside and downside of Aspie giftedness is on display within our own families; it's one thing not to be normal, harder still growing up with the next Bill Gates or someone else with the best permutation of these genes. It means you are being raised in a highly competitive environment that will grow and go with you wherever you live; so that whatever developmental milestone you are lagging at will be highlighted by the juxtaposition of being placed next to the standard of a superlatively successful sibling;
2. It's human nature to exploit human weakness to acquire power, and this will be true even in our intimate relationships, so that our spouse will always be tempted to focus on our Aspie traits as a way of gaining the upper hand. For instance, most moms will tell you that when a husband refers to his children during their misbehavior, he will call them "your children" instead of "our children." My own husband will sometimes imply that the Aspie traits in our two Aspie daughters are learned (from me) behaviour. When he does this it will seem unfair and true at the same time. (I always find ambiguity hard, being cognitively more black and white abled.) This tends to erode the "united front" that is required in difficult parenting situations.
3. It is heartbreaking to watch your children go through the same difficulties without being able to always help them. So while I may be more compassionate toward them, I am sometimes having old wounds reopened in the process. (It's like being forced to do open heart surgery on yourself with no anaesthetic--did I mention that I'm not a surgeon?)
THANK YOU! This has been very helpful as I've been through similar situations. It's kind of weird to see that our thoughts are controlled by a syndrome but that's life I guess.
Well, I've entered the land of confused. I've read the original article and felt better about my situation, then I read the comments and..feel worse.
I'm not sure I totally buy into the notion that dismissing someone because he or she is boring is not unrelated to self-esteem issues. I mean this not in terms of how one feels about ones' self, but how one feels about ones' self in relation to others' feelings and thoughts.
In my own experience, it seemed more like my Aspie guy's fear to connect with not only my emotions in the context of the relationship, but also fear preventing him to connect with his own very powerful emotions regarding the relationship.
My depression usually comes out as rage. So, when I am feeling down, this will sometimes manifest as extreme anger at my husband. (For being stupid enough to be with me.)
I think he's stupid and boring and I HATE HATE HATE him!!!
But then later, when I'm calmer/happier... I think, I am probably sad/angry because I am unhappy with myself, not him.
I feel a lot of guilt because I throw so much at him and he takes it all reasonably well. Instead of being able to love and appreciate his niceness, the GUILT makes me feel resentful instead.
I find myself feeling a combination of what others are saying. On the one hand, when left to my own devices, I like myself very much, I actively value my intelligence and sensitivity, and I enjoy the things I do. On the other hand, when I am spending time with my husband, my feelings about myself will vary widely. Sometimes, I will believe him when he tells me that I give him everything he needs (even the difficult times being experiences he learns and grows from), and sometimes, I just want to apologize constantly for all the difficult times. Slowly but surely, though, I really believe that I am bringing as many gifts into his life as he is bringing into mine.
I'm a female who's fallen in love with an Aspie guy. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, but it feel like it was about me, but rather about him.
I'm really heart broken as I wanted to be with him so badly. Can someone please help me with this? I do have some know about Aspie's but not a lot.
I was in a relationship with an aspie who when I asked for more attention and time (not a lot more, just more than the couple of hours a week he was prepared to give me and I virtually always arranged everything we ever did anyway) he ended everything and then, although he stated that he wanted to still be friends, he left for university and contacted me twice in 6 months via e-mail! I know he was briefly involved with someone else, but it was very short-lived! I have been so hurt by this lack of concern for me. I was going through such a tough patch in my life and he knew this but it seems that all his communication problems he layed at my door entirely! He appears slightly eccentric but outgoing and funny to others and has a circle of friends who know he is quirky, but do not realise at all how in an intimate relationship, he just is utterly incapable of getting close! We made out once in the whole time we were together! No other girl would have accepted that, but I loved him so much I dealt with it! I came out of the relationship completely emotionally confused, bruised and damaged! He will not talk to me at all and yet we were friends for some years before we became boyfriend and girlfriend, so I am still hurting about this even though a lot of time has elapsed. I suppose it would be good to try and understand why he treats me this way when I know he sees other friends when he comes home from university, but although in the last e-mail he sent he said he wanted us to be friends, he has made no effort in that regard since! I just wondered if there was some insight you could give me as to why he would be so hurtful towards me! He knows that I no longer want to be his girlfriend because I am not a strong enough person to deal with the way he is, but I care about him as a friend. What hurts is that all his other friends seem to be so much more important to him than me and he will put himself out for them which hurts given our history!
Re what Anonymous said on 3 April 2010 - you rang all the bells for me. I'm in love with a man 18 years younger than me and we've been friends for a few years before any sense of attraction occurred. It was after this happening that I noticed he might have AS - tight hugs, sensitivity to touch, narrow interests, eye contact's not direct when in conversation, lack of reciprocity, is helpless at most common sense things, etc. I've read up a lot on AS, been to relationship workshops, been the one who's organised things we do together and understood when he wants space and have let him take time. It hasn't always been easy because he gives absolutely nothing to our relationship and is not good at talking more deeply about our relationship, but I've been there for him. He's got a lot of friends/acquaintances and often cancels dates with me at short notice to be with them, which gives me the idea I'm not that important to him. As a result, sexually, it's been slow and I've been keen to establish trust and not be just an object for his sexual release but know that he wants me for ME. He'd told me he saw a woman once a month for sex so I wanted to be assured that wasn't still going on. I'm deeply in love with him and see the best in him because he's always been sweet, non-macho, has a great intellect and I truly enjoy his company. However, last week, I discovered that the woman he'd been seeing is someone who works with me. She is not a nice woman, is always verbally aggressive and confrontational. I feel that he's lied to me by not telling me he was involved with her. When I asked him if he still saw "the woman for sex", he told me he hadn't pursued things. But she's currently out of the country so he wouldn't be able to. I don't know what he intends to do when she comes back in June (I am leaving my job). I feel he's been manipulative and I don't want to have sex with him now I know he's had sex with her. I could accept it when I didn't know who she was. I am going to tell him it's over. I know he will go into self-pity as he does so often (I don't love anyone and never will, etc), but I deserve a lot better and so do you, Anonymous. A guy who doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship is just that and it's nothing to do with AS. I will be sad for months, maybe years, and I will always hope the best for him, but my self-respect comes first.
It's some weeks later. He was ill and we only communicated by text but finally we had a call, despite that I wanted to see him face to face. I told him that I needed to have space from him, to which he he responded with sadness, and said that the affair with the woman was just casual. I told him I didn't want that kind of relationship but someone who cared for me. He said he would miss me. I can't stand the thought of him settling for this half-life but then maybe I have to accept that his needs are different from mine and always will be. I believe you can't stop love happening to you, no matter how hard you try to stop feeling it, but I guess he's getting his needs met, which is probably all that matters to him, and I will have to move on. I told him I'd get in touch in a year or two but he was not to contact me. I will miss him so much because he's a decent guy and I love him, but life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't want me. Sad, eh? Is it impossible for an Aspie to love deeply?
As a NT girlfriend of an aspie, I can say that the part about low self esteem and him thinking I am too good for him is true.
The key to a relationship with an aspie is to listen to him, and to not take it as an empty platitude, like most NTs would be inclined to do, but instead to take it for what it is, and point out reasons why they are good enough (note: do not use empty platitudes, but instead point out what you honestly like/admire about him or her).
@annonymous on Oct 12
Yes, I always got the best responses from my ex aspi boyfriend when I pointed out the differences between us as things we could learn from eachother, namely his patience and meticulousness with projects, something I greatly admire in aspis generally, myself having ADD--being all over the place, completely inpatient.
Unfortunately something like this "suddenly backing off" thing still happened to me when I pressed him for more "quality" time. I didn't know back then that he had aspergers. This article really helped me see things from his point of view, though it doesn't forgive him for giving up on me when the going got tough. I never did. Heck he never let me get away with blaming a relationship blunder on my ADD.
I agree with grant harper. After the honeymoon period, there is the desire to have me be someone I'm not.
I'm not excessively cuddly nor do I want to spend all my waking hours with a person.
And so I'm not in a relationship. I guess I am a garden variety aspie. The only long relationship I had was with another.
I am a forty plus male with aspergers and have suffered the highs and lows of the mood swings.I have had numerous affairs in my past, while I was in a long term relationship. The affairs where triggered by my mood, generally when I become highly stressed with and I need the hit off attention without having to to give any back. These affairs where mainly brief one night stands and put me back on an even keel. I felt no guilt what so ever and because of the way I am I don't give any signs out to alert my partner.I am interested to hear if anyone else has experienced this type of behaviour
This is a very good blog...I'm a Auspie pushing slowly on 50s and I also have trouble with relationships, to the point where I decided it's just too hard and I'm better off alone. I think my biggest issue is that women yell and scream, when they get upset or give the cold treatment. These two extremes of emotions
hot /cold are unbearable to me. Plus on top of it I don't understand it. I have found that practising Taichi and meditation helps...and in a way makes relating to people little easier, because of relaxation.
I have never experenced love or relationships and it was not until I was 40 and diagnosed with this syndrome(after a melt down at work) that I realised why. I partly lost my virginty at 31 with a escort but the hotel broadcast my attempts a lovemaking all over their other rooms. This resulted in some one shouting comment on my lovemaking. And they where drunk.
Since them I have tried to get into relationships but to no avail.On holiday in sweden and denmark I see many wonderful blonde/blue eyed women and think 'shes nice' . But I don't have a clue on how to attract them.
Wow, I have hit my mid-forties and only just self-diagnosed myself as suffering from AS. I have been married for many years to a long-suffering wife to whom I have never been unfaithful but at the same time not that physically attentive. I feel that I often let her down in that area and have recently felt that I need to run away, give her the house and kids and let her get on with her life. That would be the “grand gesture” of guilt talking, nothing more.
Finding out the cause of my total dislike of nightclubs and other loud social events full of strangers is a great relief and also the explanation of why I don’t have many friends. My bubble has consisted of an adulthood filled with unanswered questions as to why no one comes knocking on my door to arrange a social event. That is now answered, I believe I become overly attentive in a “friend” relationship and this makes normal people run a mile. Not to mention the strange sense of humour and my mind wandering through hundreds of permutations as we hold discussions. I often completely lose track of what is being said and with the shifting eye contact I am sure I come across as “bored”.
The problem would appear to be two-fold. The ordinary person treating us like lepers and us getting more and more frustrated with the isolation.
Buying a car is a nightmare. I will find fault with almost everything that isn’t perfect, even a very good one. Rattles, shakes, engine noises, etc. Get me stuck in unexpected traffic and I go off like a nuclear bomb, disrupt my routine with frivolous interruptions and I go bang. Mostly it is my total un-acceptance of other people’s disregard for “me”. An example is traffic jams where I am certain somebody knew about it but “just couldn’t be bothered”. If I ran the traffic department it would be Swiss clockwork with regular bulletin updates and warnings on those multi-million dollar signs.
Holidays. Well, these generally tend to be “driven” – no sitting around or time wasting. Whistle-stop tours of countries where pausing to small-talk with the locals just doesn’t happen. Everything is organised down to the last detail and by the time we get to go away I am often just stepping through the details and not actually enjoying it that much.
Hopefully that hasn’t scared people off too much…
w,
My problem with relationships.has had little to do with depression or self esteem. I, and as one other aspies, find it hard to consider someone else all the time. If IM in a relationship, IM expected to change my life to include the person and not to make plans without them. they mess up the routine and don't understand why some things are important that may seem like nothing to them. They don't understand why aspies need alone time and want to force you to interact.
I am trying to figure out what is going on with a friend of mine that has aspbergers. At one point he really liked me but did not know how to show it and I really liked him too but I wasn't sure if he did or not. At that time I did not know he had aspbergers. I finally told him I liked him and everything got better. He still how a hard time showing his feelings and this job he took stressed him out so bad he became cold towards me. It has been months and now he has a new job and is starting to open up again. He is acting a little better towards me and sometimes I think he is still interested in me and other times not. I don't know what to think. I don't want to talk to him about it at this time because I don't want him to feel pressured. Do Aspies act this way? Do they hurt those that care about them the most or do they hurt those who THEY care about the most? Please help!!
I think I've fallen for an aspergers 40something male. Well I don't know if he has got it, he certainly hasn't said but he is an oddball and I have left him twice now in less than a year due to his coldness and aloofness. I have taken a couple of tests to see if it's me but my scores came up 9 and 14 so it's not me. The clues that lead me to think he has got this are as follows
His job is his hobby (or his hobby is his job) he is a company director of three companies connected to specialist cars, skateboards and bmx bikes. It's quite simply his life. He visits the USA 6-7 times per year for car shows. And usually takes on average about 1000 photos of cars per visit...yes an obsession.
His house is a shambles, even employing a cleaner you wouldn't know. Work needing done such as carpets laid, painting or decorating have not been touched for 5 yrs plus when his wife left him.
He was married for 13 yrs and has two children. He told me he never loved her but she suited his purposes and she was the best around at the time and she had her
own life and allowed him to get on with his (job/hobby)
He is obsessed with dating sites and looking for that amazing woman and has dated oodles of women since his divorce but only one and me have come close.
He regularly watches porn which I feel has de sensitised him to women and he only sees them as sex objects.
He told me I had many endearing qualities, more than most and any guy would be lucky to have me but all he wanted from me was a fuck buddy arrangement as in his words..."I'm looking for my amazing woman, I can't find her so what do I do in the meantime" this as you can imagine really hurt.
He monopolises the conversation.....I would say 95 percent about issues at work 4 percent about issues with friends he feels are mental bullies towards him and yeah a bit about his kids and how sexy I look.
He feels uncomfortable in a social environment and when his friends find it easy to chat to women, he feels uncomfortable and would rather go home.
He is on the Internet most of his time (work, dating sites, social network sites and porn)
Wears thick glasses as his eyesight is poor (I'm not surprised)
Very geeky and nerdy looking. My friends are shocked when they meet him...they say "what do you see in him" "he's weird, you can do better" etc etc
A real loner and one who thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. I tried once to see if he could be more open about himself to interact and perhaps he would find it easier to mix but his response "I'm not diluting myself for the sake of others, those people out there like me and understand me, I will find"
I asked him if he was emotionally detached or emotionally unavailable, his reply..."emotionally available to the woman who holds the key and has the right combination " (bizarre)
You may wonder what I do see in him, I really don't know other than he has a meek, mild and genteel way. There isn't an aggressive bone in his body and it's quite calming being in his company (even though he does talk shop all the time). He is quite childlike too, but I find this quite sweet.
I want to address this with him, but unsure if it would be a good idea. I think I could handle things better by having a clearer understanding of him and I know if the case is he does have aspergers or mild autism...it wouldn't bother me and I wonder if this is his fear of becoming too close to someone because of this (maybe his secret he can only share with people he knows well and trusts)
Regards
Anon
It's people like the Anonymous who posted at July 4, 2011 7:03 PM, whether Aspie or NT or whatever else, who make their wives die of AIDS.
Hi, I am an Aspie male (UK) knocking on 50. Suffering the inability to understand relationship issues with women. I was married in my teens and we have 2 grown up sons, divorced after 13 years, i didnt know i had AS until i was 40 and that then helped explain a lot of my actions/reactions over my whole life period. I would say the main problem is 'taking things literally'. This has got me into a whole heap of trouble. Plus the need when someone asks a question that i give them ALL the details in reply, the ... "more than i needed to know..." scenario then rears up. If it's a girlfriend who asks it 'at the wrong time' in a mood cycle then it usually leads to heartache and tears, for her not for me. For me "i was just being honest" but that isnt then fair on her and my attempts to retract the statement are rejected.
My eldest son is bipolar and the divorce caused a lot of heartache and pain for him. We have had little contact over the years as he feels angry and bitter about what happened. His complaints that "he just wanted a dad" are valid as although i loved him and his brother and his mother for that matter, i didnt know how to relate to them emotionally, i could only 'solve' problems by "throwing money at it" in his words. For me, i was helping by providing financial security and the things they asked for, it didnt occur to me that they wanted something else. I used to give them hugs and cuddles as i am very tactile which appears to be a non-standard trait of AS, but i just didnt know how to 'talk things through' when they needed me. I do try and listen but often fall into the 'normal' male trap of listening to a problem and then trying to 'fix' it.
Not even sure why i am writing this, but thought i would offer my insight into my dealings with AS.
I have broken off a 5yr relationship because i didnt think i loved her and that she deserved to be with someone who would love her as she deserved. We had a good life together, great times, great intimacy, but i didnt 'feel' i loved her and so i felt guilty because of this. I felt i was wrong in holding her back from finding a man who would love her totally as i wanted to do but couldnt. This was also the main cause of my initial marriage breakup, although at that time i was convinced my wife didnt love me, but later found out she did.
But when i have made a decision to 'change my relationship' then i am unchangeable. No amount of talking by family or friends will change my mind, always to my or others detriment.
I am fortunate that i have a good job and 'a few' very good friends who i can rely on 100%, without them i think i would be very unhappy.
I am currently in a relationship with a 22 yr old man with Aspergers, we have been together a year & a half , and at the start things were great. Until he started telling me he wasn't good enough for me , and why would i want to be with someone like him! it broke my heart. Recently he (on my 21st birthday may i add) he broke up with me telling me he stil loves me but doesn't want me anymore, i was completely devastated. 3 days later he was back lovey dovey with me which had me all confused, but a month later were getting on great again , but i still think in the back of my head he doesnt care about me? he will comment about other girls he sees on telly or magazines but rarely me! Its driving me insane but i dont want to lose him he is a great guy when were alone. is this normal of someone with aspergers?
I just discovered this article and it covers something I'm going in my life perfectly. I've just graduated from high school and I've liked a girl in my class for a few years now but because she's always been very dedicated to her work I've restrained myself from doing anything about it because it's better if she focuses on her work. I always told myself I'll ask her out as soon as we graduate.
But now that we have graduated I've come to the exact same conclusion that you described. I've decided that even though she likes me now as soon as she goes to uni she'll meet more people. So even though I score highest out of the small amount of people she knows right now when she goes to a big city there's guaranteed to be someone who scores higher. And thus, as much as it hurts to do so, I've decided to let her go. The worst part is that I was briefly proud of myself for doing this.
Now I've read your article and heard your experiences I've slightly changed my mind, there's still no way I can ask her out knowing there's someone better for her. But seeing as we're going to be doing the same degree at the same uni I can remain in contact and if I continue to score the highest I'll definitely ask her out. Unfortunately my words can not express how much happiness you've given me. Thank you so much.
I dated a guy with similar behaviors as you've listed. he could be a great guy, but other days cold or distant. he would also comment on girls like that- some of them being girls in town! I was told by mutual friends to have patience because of his diagnosis. I did. he broke up with me. we remained friends. two years later he -very randomly- asks me out. then I barely hear from him for 3 weeks. (a sentence at a time)
he will always be important to me no matter what happens, but I don't know how to approach/don't understand some of these situations with him.
thank you for posting your experience btw
I learn so much from this forum. I dated and fell in love my undiagnosed Aspie boyfriend. We dated for six or seven months, and then he grew distant. At 52, he had only had about five short term (6 month each) relationships. Should have been a red flag. I was devastated when we broke up. Once I sensed his distance, I asked him if he wanted to continue dating, and he told me he had reached a turning point weeks earlier. He said he tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. The most likely turning point? He made plans to leave town for short pleasure trips and never told me about either of them. This was the very first time I expressed a need, which was that it was important to me that he tell me when he was going away. Not to get permission, but just to keep me in the loop since he was my boyfriend. He got angry at that request, and then grew distant. We didn't talk for months, then began speaking again. He did tell me that he didn't want to get back together, and "the fact is that I am not good boyfriend material." Months later (even though we were still in touch), he sent an e-mail message to me on Valentine's Day saying "Be My Valentine!" Probably not significant, but I wanted to believe that he missed me in that special way. Again I'm confused, as I was constantly while we were dating. Yes, we always had serious communication problems ... in part due to my ever increasing anxiety due to my confusion. Is it likely that my finally expressing needs caused him to back away? Prior to that he seemed really into me. Man, what a hard time I had because I fell so hard for him. It sounds like a lot of people on here have had similar experiences. Anyone ... please tell me if there's hope for us to become an "us" again, or will I need to cease all communication so that my heart can mend.
Follow up to the message I just posted about the "Be My Valentine!" message after we broke up several months ago. Was he being like a kindergartner who doesn't understand that someone who is in love with him might misconstrue that message, or is it possible that he means it? This confusion is driving me crazy.
To my knowledge he is undiagnosed, but he uses a lot of the terminology such as telling me about his "meltdowns", tell me he can't multi-task, seeming perplexed and confused by statements people make, gullible (once with strangers where he was actually in danger), acting convinced that he has "many, many, many dear, dear, dear, dear friends" -- most of whom really don't seem to care about him or were maybe nice to him once or twice, and class issues at work that I've seen documented in blogs and articles time and time again. He seems to really believe that he's not good boyfriend material, although I sometimes wonder whether that was an excuse. Mind you, he's never really had a relationship at 52. Someone tell me, please. Could there have been significance in asking me to be his Valentine, or is the mindblindness preventing him from considering how such a message could confuse or hurt me if he wasn't sincere. I swear sometimes that I'm going insane, both while we were together and since.
Wowwww!! Reading this, is like looking into a mirror at myself. my aspergers condition has often stopped me from approaching relationships let alone maintaing them. I suffer with very sever depression. Extreme highs and lows. I cut people from life at the drop of a hat without explanation?!
I literally started seeing this girl about a week ago.. she saw through my condition... But something seemed ajar, and I over analysed it to the point where I blocked her from Facebook without even telling her... I don't mean to be evil. I just cant trust a lot of women.... As a result I feel alone. I've lives alone for coming on 7/8 years now and it depresses me not having anyone around. A lot of the serious relationships I've been involved in, have often been long distance...
I've been to counsellors and they say my problems are too complex to address. I was on medication (anti-depressants) but due to a failed overdose attempt. I chose not to you use them. My behaviour can often be erratic and sudden. So il do things without thinking of the consequences, it scares me, to think I may grow old alone.. i also fear, the fact that I could have found the perfect girl. But due to my inability to comprehend the positives I feel like I may have destroyed my life routes. I try to deal with my depression adequately, but I've noticed my negative moods are becoming more frequent. Can you offer any advice??
Many thanks
I dated an aspie woman and oh boy was I miserable. Especially when they flat out deny it and put so much blame into other people. Why would anyone ever put themselves through that non-sense? Life is tough as it is and now I'm dating someone and who loves to laugh and isn't depressed all the time. The dark cloud is gone.It was fun.. ...NOT!!!!
Greetings from NJ - USA.
I just learned I either have asp or simply traits of it - so trying to figure out a few things - such as are you either asp or not asp - or is having a few traits considered as an asp? I've had several fantastic jobs, earned good money, have a wife and child. so just curious to compare notes, cheers.
first- thank you for your post. One of my very best friends with Aspergers finally asked me out- then was upset at me (for reasons I do not know) and stopped talking to me. I've known that when he gets nervous about asking girls out or is dealing with a problem he sometimes dissappears. Its been almost 3 months and I care about him. I just want to be there for him- but he's blocked me on facebook and won't talk online elsewhere.
personally I just wanted communication- just to say "I'm ok. ill be back soon" I still have many things to learn about him- but I try very hard to be more understanding each day.
if the girl is right for you she'll be okay with being there through good and bad.
from the perspective of a girl wanting to still da te my friend with aspergers- let her know that you did not mean to hurt her if you accidentally did. and let her know you are interested. taking steps like these- no matter how small at first are very significant.
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