There's a lot in the literature about gaze-avoidance or lack of eye contact in Asperger's kids (and adults) but not really a lot from an Asperger's point of view.
What Practitioners and Parents Think
Frequently, it's left up to the reader's imagination to think of reasons - perhaps the child has just not learned that making eye contact is an essential part of spoken communication? Of course, this theory assumes that the condition is eventually treatable by training. It's consistent with the notion that eye contact does improve as the subject gets older but it's from a medical or educational point of view instead of coming from an Aspie.
[btw: apologies for my use of the term aspie - I'll use it through this blog in a familiar sense because it's difficult to keep writing Asperger's Syndrome. It is not intended to be derogatory in any way.]
An Aspie Point of View
Eye contact hurts.. no, not in the painful sense but it's quite uncomfortable. I always feel that I'm revealing more than I want to with eye contact and that I'm receiving more information than I want to know. Of course, I know that eye contact is critical to spoken communication, so often I'll compromise by either of two methods;
Method 1: Making brief eye contact every few seconds.
This is the "roving eye" technique whereby you make eye contact at the very start of each sentence and then drift away as soon as the person you're talking to is reassured that you're listening. There are a few problems with this method.
First of all, people often assume that your concentration is wandering. I'll often get told, "well, I know you're quite busy..." or "I'm probably boring you..." or "I can tell you're not interested..." as a response to using this technique when I really am interested in the conversation. When that happens, I usually have to switch to the other technique.
Method 2: Making eye contact for half of the Conversation
A two-way conversation is made up of two halves. Person 1 speaking while Person 2 listens and vice versa. As a general rule, people like to know that they're being listened to but aren't as worried if you don't make a lot of eye contact while you're talking. The plan with this method is to make reasonably constant eye contact (though you'll probably need to "flit" your eyes away several times during longer diatribes to ease the tension) while they talk to you and rest your eyes while you talk back.
As a partially deaf person I was encouraged to look at lips and I've become quite good at lip-reading. Unfortunately, as an adult, the lips are just too close to breasts and I often find that my female subjects will try to cover themselves during conversations. This is as embarrassing for me as it is for them.
I guess the best rule is to either stare at the face or (cheeks are a good idea) or slightly above and/or to the left or right of their head - never downwards or they'll assume the worst.
Overall, this is a more effective method than the "roving-eye" method but it doesn't work with everybody. In particular, you need to watch out for people who start turning around mid-conversation to see what you're staring at. If this happens, you need to either make more regular eye contact or switch to the other method.
One way of overcoming uncomfortable situations is to be seated at a desk and work during the conversation. I know that this is rude, but if you're doing related work or even turning to take the occasional note on a computer, it can give you a welcome break.
My background is in computers, so I use this to great advantage, often changing screens or adjusting code as the changes are discussed. This gives the impression that I'm just "raring to go" or that I'm prototyping systems (providing examples) to help the conversation, rather than just being rude.
What can parents do to help their children with Aspergers?
What Practitioners and Parents Think
Frequently, it's left up to the reader's imagination to think of reasons - perhaps the child has just not learned that making eye contact is an essential part of spoken communication? Of course, this theory assumes that the condition is eventually treatable by training. It's consistent with the notion that eye contact does improve as the subject gets older but it's from a medical or educational point of view instead of coming from an Aspie.
[btw: apologies for my use of the term aspie - I'll use it through this blog in a familiar sense because it's difficult to keep writing Asperger's Syndrome. It is not intended to be derogatory in any way.]
An Aspie Point of View
Eye contact hurts.. no, not in the painful sense but it's quite uncomfortable. I always feel that I'm revealing more than I want to with eye contact and that I'm receiving more information than I want to know. Of course, I know that eye contact is critical to spoken communication, so often I'll compromise by either of two methods;
Method 1: Making brief eye contact every few seconds.
This is the "roving eye" technique whereby you make eye contact at the very start of each sentence and then drift away as soon as the person you're talking to is reassured that you're listening. There are a few problems with this method.
First of all, people often assume that your concentration is wandering. I'll often get told, "well, I know you're quite busy..." or "I'm probably boring you..." or "I can tell you're not interested..." as a response to using this technique when I really am interested in the conversation. When that happens, I usually have to switch to the other technique.
Method 2: Making eye contact for half of the Conversation
A two-way conversation is made up of two halves. Person 1 speaking while Person 2 listens and vice versa. As a general rule, people like to know that they're being listened to but aren't as worried if you don't make a lot of eye contact while you're talking. The plan with this method is to make reasonably constant eye contact (though you'll probably need to "flit" your eyes away several times during longer diatribes to ease the tension) while they talk to you and rest your eyes while you talk back.
As a partially deaf person I was encouraged to look at lips and I've become quite good at lip-reading. Unfortunately, as an adult, the lips are just too close to breasts and I often find that my female subjects will try to cover themselves during conversations. This is as embarrassing for me as it is for them.
I guess the best rule is to either stare at the face or (cheeks are a good idea) or slightly above and/or to the left or right of their head - never downwards or they'll assume the worst.
Overall, this is a more effective method than the "roving-eye" method but it doesn't work with everybody. In particular, you need to watch out for people who start turning around mid-conversation to see what you're staring at. If this happens, you need to either make more regular eye contact or switch to the other method.
One way of overcoming uncomfortable situations is to be seated at a desk and work during the conversation. I know that this is rude, but if you're doing related work or even turning to take the occasional note on a computer, it can give you a welcome break.
My background is in computers, so I use this to great advantage, often changing screens or adjusting code as the changes are discussed. This gives the impression that I'm just "raring to go" or that I'm prototyping systems (providing examples) to help the conversation, rather than just being rude.
What can parents do to help their children with Aspergers?
- Place less emphasis on eye contact and more on "participation in conversation".
- Explain how some people need to see you looking in their direction before they think you're listening.
- Give your children a few options for controlling gaze avoidance (suggest looking at cheeks) or higher.
- Encourage "looking at my face" but don't push it - it's really uncomfortable for us.
- Be understanding when we don't feel like looking - we're not being rude, just feeling insecure.
Comments
Although I have a normal social life, enjoy talking with friends and family, eye contact has been painful -to say the least- for the past 15 years or so. It hurts every time I look into the eyes of the person I'm talking with, and have to make up with a lot of weird faces / grins if I want to maintain the eye contact. Which, as a result, makes my interlocutor feel uncomfortable.
I've tried several self-improvement and meditation techniques, hoping I could get to the root of this problem and eradicate it, but have been unsuccessfull so far.
Do you think this might be Asperger's syndrome? Is there... any way out? Thanks for your help.
As for aspergers, there's no cure and no way out. You just have to make the best of what you have.
There are a lot of positives to aspergers too.
Having lived in Japan for several years, I can read and write the language. I decided to search for information on the Japanese net about jikoshisen-kyofu (which translates in "aversion of eye-to-eye contact") and was astonished by the quantity of detailed/concrete information available!
The Japanese webpages I read through give a very pragmatic description of the eye contact phobia, classifying it as one of the four known anthropophibias, with phobia of blushing, of one's body odor, and of deformed body.
The recommended treatment in Japan is called Morita therapy. It is zen-based, and says that one should not try to "fight" the uncomfortable feeling during eye-to-eye contact (this only results in a quicksand effect, which I know too well!), but rather accepts the feeling and try to develop the sunao mind, which is a natural, frank state of mind. The bottomline is to observe and accept reality, while being less self-centered.
There are tons of webpages about the Morita technique in Japanese, some of them in English as well (I suggest you google "morita" "eye contact"). What really impressed me is the testimonies of people who said they no longer suffer from eye-contact phobia thanks to Morita therapy.
In the book "Morita Therapy and the True Nature of Anxiety-Based Disorders", you can find a lot of information on the treament (which takes 1 to 2 months in a specialized institute).
It's been 16 years since I started to fear eye contact (am 31 now). It's only been 1 day since I found out about this information! It just feels good to be able to give "it" a name, and to know that there seems to be an adequate treatment. Hope this post helps. Best wishes.
I've just finished reading another body language book. apparently all you need to do is maintain eye contact for 1/3 of the conversation. The darting/roving/wandering eye makes you look squirrelly and from the NT perspective uninterested/distrustful. If you go longer than 1/3 then you are getting into the creeping out phase or the stare down phase. Apparently if you look up and away you are "thinking/recalling" and partaking in the conversation. I'm yet to try this but logic dictates the up and away "thought (your turn)" and then come to rest on their eyes/face (their turn)and then think again.
Glazing over or looking through someone is not a good look. Ground staring is a sign of submission/weakness to the NT.
This'll be a hard one to break but I am tackling it in terms of just a little more contact than yesterday or waht colour are their eyes and how does their pupil dilate.
All the things that make me unique...that make me me... are Aspergers traits. I swear im the poster child.. err adult for Aspergers.
Anyway. Thanks for the blog, going to bookmark this.
Also im trained to look at someone eye when he/she is talking to me, but is imposible for me to talk to someone and look him/her in the eyes.
Since you feel that talking may be unsettling for this person, maybe you should write/email.
Just ask directly and see how you go.
Then you'll know whether or not to put more effort in.
Gavin.
I never noticed I had an issue, until a friend told me, before we went to a car show. "Make sure you don't keep looking everyone in the eyes". I just thought he was weird and dismissed it. (I was 15)
Now, I try and look away, once in a while. Although, during interviews, introductions and high level social events, other people find it Very flattering, since "All my attention is on them, and I'm so focused on them." I easily make acquaintances, and impress professionals... casual situations it can go somewhat more down hill.
Oh, a Eureka moment!
That might be why I truly enjoy and prefer large social gatherings! I make constant eye-contact; divide that amongst 5-15 people and it is a perfect amount of individual eye-contact/attention for everyone!
(Haha, I feel so clever!)
I don't often enjoy intimate occasions of 1-3 people. I have a new project to work on! : )
I hope that the general public will get more knowledge about these issues.
No idea if I've got AS (pretty sure my wife has - she's not just socially inept she's incapable of functioning in groups). Probably not.. I can socialise, although I only really started to learn how to do it in my 20's (they need to teach this stuff in schools! It's complex!) so was a bit late to the game.
I started researching and found that someone suggested imagining that you put a vail on someone's face to cover up most of the face, but imagine that only the eyes remain. Once I started trying this, WOW!!! Major difference!!
I can now focus on someone's eyes!
So, I think it's just that the whole face is like a sensory overload! I imagine taking the vail away and instantly I start to feel uncomfortable. When I imagine the vail is back, I feel calm.
I'm a successful software engineer today and highly functional, but after reading of AS, I know I have Asperger's.
Hope this technique helps others!!!
Shannon - Dallas, TX
I used to think this was because as a very young child I was conditioned to associate eye contact with being told off. I still have a vivid memory of a teacher's bright blue eyes staring at me as she told me off for knocking something over. Not sure if it's an AS thing but being told off for an accident really upset me!
It's reassuring to learn that aversion to eye contact is more likely to be genetic, so I can stop worrying that I must have been very naughty as a child!
Just yesterday my mother (who knows of the ADD and Asperger's!) lectured me for not looking at her while she was talking. It's so uncomfortable :'(
I have the problem that I can make eye contact ok when I'm talking but I don't know how to hold eye contact when they are talking and then my eyes move, and they move down (probably because I'm short?) and then I get really paranoid b/c I think they think I'm looking at parts I shouldn't be and they put their hands in their pockets (as it's usually men) so I think that they DO see the unintended glance down, and then I get really really uncomfortable and am mortified. This mostly happens when the person is farther away from me, it's ok if they are closer.
It's starting to obsess me and I hate it. Help! I don't want my male collegues to think I am some kind of pervert.
I do the roving eye technique just so the NTs don't think think that I am being rude they should be able to tell that I have a problem with eye contact and that I'm making an effort.
As in my case has been all in vain. Whenever I'm out in town my eyes seems to shift around ... so for the female of gender, it may turn uncomfortable. I've operated one eye, yet that did not help it at all.
I mean no harm at all! I swear to that... but I still seem to cause some sort of issue, as their reaction seems to show.
I'm twenty years old, I might turn twenty-one depending on the months to come. My AS diagnosis was given to me during junior-high. High functioning, with A.D.D - sigh.
Cheers,
Alex
To cope, I find even body (not directly at the eyes) staring incredibly awkward as I often find I am trying to interpret their body posture, breathing, hand movements, eye movements, heart beat, expression. I find when I push for eye contact.
I can meet the eyes of people and force myself to hold on contact, but I feel my face become plastic as I begin to panic about my facial expression, I loose the ability to automatically breath and feel as though I have to maintain breathing. Often I feel my body change temperature and the vision turns brighter, slightly green tinged, and I experience a feeling of falling back in my chair. Force to long and I break into cold sweat. My mind begins to panic and wonder if the person is doubting me, offended by me, disapproving and any other number of things. I also find that I lose all short term memory for the conversation and begin to lose most meaning to sentences.
When I have good eye contact, it has to be with a person who never made me feel uncomfortable. you have to be patient, DO NOT ask them to look at you. As long as they are responding to you with words, they are very focused on the conversation. Pushing is traumatic. I mean, it's long lasting. I mean they could feel traumatised forever after that, and maybe turn into a hermit. DO NOT PUSH. how to do it is just accept how they face you. If they face away, that's alright. All is well. Just accept it. When they are ready they will want to look at you. The other thing is DO NOT stand or site SQUARELY FACING them and don't stand too close. Arms length is optimal. I'm giving you these pointers so you know how to make your Asperger friend feel comfortable and able to look you in the eye when they are ready. There is nothing wrong with their feelings, and they are usually not crazy, they are practically normal, just highly sensitive to social and tactile things. Their thinking is completely sane. In fact more sane than an average person because they rely so much on logic to get through life. They have to analyze deeply to comprehend people emotionally, and to figure out how it relates their their feelings. It takes longer, as if a delay, to understand what you are feeling. the easiest way to get them to understand your feelings is to say them in words (politely). Don't think you can get away with being rude back just because you think we are rude. We are not that way deliberately and rarely know when we do it. So be kind. You wouldn't want to be clobbered over the head with a sledgehammer just out of no where, over something you didn't realize. Right? When people fill you in, when they are getting frustrated, realise that that may be the first time they find out what you are feeling, and if you are super mean, it's like getting severely attacked.
In habitually looking away, I feel some people don't trust me; or they get the impression I'm not interested in what they're saying. Sometimes a person that I'm talking to would follow my eyes to see what the hell I'm looking at that's more important than what they're saying to me. I'm too embarrassed to tell them I have AS because they'll not know what it is; and may think I’m weird or something.
AS-related poor social skills are bad enough in themselves without being further compromised by the eye contact problem. My job and past-times place me among people all the time, but I think I often come across as either slightly rude, impatient, disinterested or even a bit stupid or shallow.
In actuality, I crave friendships; but it's difficult to make them and to maintain them. They require considerable generous input from the other person. Conversations are quite stressful if I'm facing a person; but easier if I'm beside them - like in a car or at the counter in a pub.